# joke du jour



## MACSPECTRUM (Oct 31, 2002)

*George Bush goes to a primary school to talk about the war. After his talk he offers question time. One little boy puts up his hand and George asks him what his name is. "Billy." "And what is your question, Billy?"

"I have 3 questions. First, why did the USA invade Iraq without the support of the UN? Second, why are you President when Al Gore got more votes? And third, whatever happened to Osama Bin Laden?"

Just then the bell rings for recess. George Bush informs the kiddies that they will continue after recess. 

When they resume George says, "OK, where were we? Oh that's right question time. Who has a question?" Another little boy puts up his hand. George points him out and asks him what his name is. "Steve" "And what is your question, Steve?" "I have 5 questions. First, why did the USA invade Iraq without the support of the UN? Second, why are you President when Al Gore got more votes? Third, whatever happened to Osama Bin Laden? Fourth, why did the recess bell go 20 minutes early? And fifth, what happened to Billy?"*


i used to hear about Soviet jokes like this
my, how times have changed


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## minnes (Aug 15, 2001)

guffaw


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## MacNutt (Jan 16, 2002)

The far left and their hapless indoctrinees are currently reduced to making jokes to cover the fact that they would rather still have Usama and the Taliban running Afghanistan and would MUCH rather that Saddam and his horrid sons were still in control of Iraq and sitting on the second biggest stash of oil money on the planet.

There is no way that the UN or any sort of "negotiations" would have EVER changed these intractible situations. Especially since France, Germany and Russia were busy selling all sorts of illegal high-tech gear to Iraq in return for long term oil contracts. They had, effectively, gridlocked the UN, to protect their own economic interests, for more than a decade.

Personally, I'm GLAD that this whole situation has been turned on it's collective ear and I'm REALLY glad that Iraq finally has a shot at some sort of democracy.

I'm also glad that so very many other rogue states are starting to open themselves up to UN inspection.

THAT certainly never happened before!   

I should also note that a Norweigan Nobel Commitee member has nominated George. W Bush and Tony Blair for the Nobel Peace Prize this year!







 

Quite fitting, I'd say.

But go ahead and make jokes if you'd like. Have at it.

But be prepared to have your noses rubbed in it, at a later date, when this current period is widely seen by pretty much everybody as a major positive turning point in the modern history of the middle east. And the whole world, for that matter.


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## Moscool (Jun 8, 2003)

I used to wind up my American friends by telling them that Russia was really like the US. And it is very true:

- Same huge space/abundant resources giving a sense of no need to be careful with resources (yes, even during commie times overheating and windows open was common)

- Same abundance of police on the streets/roads who can stop you on a whim and are totally devoid of a sense of humour

- Same 'brands' ruling everything up and down the country (in the Soviet lands it was because there wasn't much choice, in the US it is because Cosmo Girl and Bill Gates and Anheuser Bush rule)

- Same love for conspiracy theories

- Same huge airports that look like greyhound bus hangars

- Same brazen entrepreneurship (commies use to call it managing state resources, they have their Texans too)

- Same media dominance by pro-government channels

- Same addiction to soaps (mani Mexicans)

- Same extreme weather giving rise to solidarity, particularly outside big towns

In these respects, the Soviet Union was much closer to the US model of living and thinking than to its satellite East European countries.

So it's not surprising that the jokes are interchangeable. We just didn't know how similar the countries were until we visited there in the 90s...


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## MacNutt (Jan 16, 2002)

While I agree that there are some very glaring similarities between the Old Soviet Union and America....

I would just like to suggest to anyone who is interested that they should visit each country for about three or four months before they decide how similar the two countries really are.

Spend some time. Travel all over each country and try living there for a while. No vists to resort areas!

THEN come back here and tell all of us how terribly similar they REALLY are. 









I've met so very many people who have told me that they have "visited" a country...but who never really ventured outside of some sort of resort area.
















Russia...which is the central hub of the collapsed Soviet Union...is still about a full generation away from the very beginnings of a modern capitalist society.

They're on their way...finally, after seven decades...but they have a very LONG way to go!

Twenty or thirty years from now, they may be challenging US for supremacy on the world stage!

But right now, they are struggling to make ends meet. It's always really tough when any country decides to abandon socilaism and embrace reality.

Its a horrible adjustment for people who have been living in a fantasy world for so very long.









Doctors in communist Cuba make about ONE DOLLAR per day! Doctors in the failed Soviet Union made about the same. Doctors in modern Russia make less than most busboys in restaraunts. Just like in Cuba, they make FAR less than baggage boys at the local airports.

Waiters with NO educations make fifteen times what well-educated doctors do...in BOTH countries.

No wonder everyone is risking life and limb trying to get out of these places!


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## Moscool (Jun 8, 2003)

May I suggest that you take your own medicine and risk a visit?

I have worked in Russia (Moscow and the Urals), Ukraine, Belarus, Kyrgyzstan, and most East European countries. So to paraphrase someone: trust me on this one!  

PS: going back to Moscow in a couple of weeks. With a dozen hotels each charging US$400 a night, I don't think that capitalism is a generation away!


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## MacNutt (Jan 16, 2002)

Fair enough, Moscool. No doubt that there are some real distortions in Russia these days while they sort everthing out.

But I still think that it will be a couple of decades before the infrastructure is in place, and the average Russian begins to think like a capitalist. They are still in the socialist mode (demanding a raise in their "allowance from daddy"...just as we in Canada like to do o a regular basis)

Just a suggestion here...

Find a hospital. Go there and ask the physicians what they get paid for a days work. Ask them if there is any hot water available at their hospital (under the Old Soviet Union some 60% of all of the hospitals had NO hot water)

Then ask a busboy or a waiter or a baggage boy at an airport what THEY get paid for a day's work.

The answers might really surprise you.


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## SINC (Feb 16, 2001)

MACSPECTRUM, that must have been a "seed" joke of the day.

Look, it sprouted into a horrible long thread that has nothing to do with a joke of the day!

Cheers


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## PosterBoy (Jan 22, 2002)

*The far left and their hapless indoctrinees are currently reduced to making jokes to cover the fact that they would rather still have Usama and the Taliban running Afghanistan and would MUCH rather that Saddam and his horrid sons were still in control of Iraq and sitting on the second biggest stash of oil money on the planet.*

Macnutt, if you really believe that then I think you need to take a serious look at what people have been saying. The "far left" are not Pro-Taliban/Pro-Saddam, they are Anti-USA.

And yes, there is a difference.

I believe that the removal of Saddam was a good thing, I've just never been sure that the US was right in the way they went about it.

The joke, as mildly entertaining as it is, is a bit much.


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## godot (Jan 17, 2004)

This could have been a fun thread, but MacNutt's ranting and misinformation have gotten it off track.

Misinformation? 
For example:


> I should also note that a Norweigan Nobel Commitee member has nominated George. W Bush and Tony Blair for the Nobel Peace Prize this year!


MacNutt, stick to what you know something about. (The weather on Salt Spring Island perhaps.)

The Nobel Committee members don't nominate. They judge the nominations received.

In the case of Bush and Blair the nomination was made by Jan Simonsen, a far right-wing member of the Norwegian parliament who is opposed to the U.N and saw the Iraq war as a slap in the face to the U.N. by Bush and Blair.

Yes, the same U.N. that Bush is now going cap in hand to in order to help get him out of the election mess he created in Iraq.

MacSpectrum:
The joke was hilarious. Thanks.

Cheers,


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## Brainstrained (Jan 15, 2002)

Macspectrum, I laughed (and will likely tell it to others).

Macnutt, thousands of people have the right to nominate people for a Nobel prize, and more than 100 people and organizations are nominated every year. Last year almost 150 people were nominated. Often those nominations are made with an eye to publicity and politics.

Previous failed nominees over the past few years include:

- a street gang member convicted of and in jail for murder;
- the game of football (what North Americans call soccer);
- Mordechai Vanunu, jailed almost 20 years ago for leaking secrets of Israel's nuclear program;
- a 16-year-old Columbian peace activist;
- a former pop star twice accused of sexually assaulting children, yes, Michael Jackson;
- Canadian child advocate Craig Keilburger when he was about 16.

I don't intend to put down any of these people (or sports) or their accomplishments, but it's plain to see the nomination doesn't mean much. 

What counts is winning and being counted among those people and organizations that include Nelson Mandela, Aung San Suu Kyi, the Dalai Lama, Lech Walesa, Andrei Sakhorov, Mother Teresa, Archbishop Desmond Tutu, Amnesty International, the Red Cross, UN Peacekeepers, Doctors Without Borders, and on and on.

Bush and Blair don't come close.

Trust me on this.


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## godot (Jan 17, 2004)

To help get this thread back on the track I believe MacSpectrum hoped for, I offer the following. It is as old as the hills but one of my favourites:

*Every nation in attendance at an international symposium on elephants had to deliver a report on the animals. 

France's report: "The Love Life of an Elephant." 

Germany's report was in six volumes: "The Elephant: an Introduction."

The UK report: "The Elephant and the British Empire." 

The U.S. report: "Raising Elephants for Fun and Profit." 

Canada's report: "The Elephant: A Federal or Provincial Responsibility?" 
* 

Cheers,


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## BigDL (Apr 16, 2003)

Com’on people lighten up! This thread is going along just great. That is it was filled by a long winded joke with only one punch line.


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## MacDoc (Nov 3, 2001)

And covering.....err uncovering....all the hot news in one take


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## Lawrence (Mar 11, 2003)

At least there is some good that is coming out of the Iraq war:
Is Syria changing? 

I think that Syria is afraid that Bush may decide to take a Baath
in Syria while he is in the area.  

Dave


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## arminarm (Jan 12, 2002)

Thanks Moscool for the glaring similarities.

Most blinding of course is the fact that in both regimes, capital rules absolutely over democracy.

This is how democracy gets distorted.

*Back to Joke du Jour







* ..... and I'm still trying to figure out which the below is the joke!

Bush Says Federal Government "Has Plenty Of Money"
Quicken - 29 Jan 2004
... On the same day reports emerged that the federal budget deficit will be larger than previously predicted, President George W. Bush said the federal government ... 

*Federal government ups borrowing* .........
Buffalo News, NY - 4 Feb 2004
WASHINGTON (AP) - The government expects to tap $177 billion from the credit markets this quarter, which would mark the largest amount ever borrowed in any ... 

and finally .....
*Bush initiates investigation into his own failure of intelligence!*


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## SINC (Feb 16, 2001)

Aw the hell with it, I'm gonna start my own JOKE thread!

Cheers


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## Dr.G. (Aug 4, 2001)

Sinc, here's a riddle for your new joke thread -- How many doxies does it take to make Sinc happy?


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## SINC (Feb 16, 2001)

Four?

Cheers


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## Dr.G. (Aug 4, 2001)

One. The other three are there is you get sad, very sad, and extreamly sad.


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## arminarm (Jan 12, 2002)

Fighting joke:

http://www.mnftiu.cc/mnftiu.cc/fighting.054.html


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## MacDoc (Nov 3, 2001)




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## The Doug (Jun 14, 2003)

Patient: Doctor, there's a ringing in my ear!

Doctor: Don't answer it.


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## Lawrence (Mar 11, 2003)

Oh...Man...I've got to get into my Syquest,
I've got a couple of thousand jokes archived,
But...Oh Nooooo!!!...I'd have to switch to OS 9 to retrieve them.

Dave


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## MacNutt (Jan 16, 2002)

Macdoc....

I really want a solid link to that photo of Saddam. It's wayy too funny!!


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## PosterBoy (Jan 22, 2002)

The Saddam "Dictate for Beer" image:

http://mediaservice.photoisland.com/auction/Feb/2004262620581750515417.jpg 

Right click (control click) on the image->open in new window/tab.


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## MacNutt (Jan 16, 2002)

Thanks PosterBoy! My American friends thank you as well!


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## SINC (Feb 16, 2001)

A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet. "My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?"

"Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him."

So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth.

Finally, he says "I'm going to have to put him down."

"What? Because he's cross-eyed?"

"No, because he's really heavy." 

Cheers


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## Bolor (Sep 14, 2003)

A professor of mathematics sent a fax to his wife. It read: 

"Dear Wife: You must realize that you are 54 years old, and I have certain needs which you are no longer able to satisfy. I am otherwise happy with you as wife, and I sincerely hope you will not be hurt or offended to learn that by the time you receive the letter, I will be at the Grand Hotel with my 18-year-old teaching assistant. I'll be home beforemidnight. 

-Your Husband" 


When he arrived at the hotel, there was a faxed letter waiting for him that 
read as follows: 

"Dear Husband: You, too, are 54 years old, and by the time you receive this letter, I will be at the Breakwater Hotel with the 18- year-old pool boy. 
Being the brilliant mathematician that you are, you can easily appreciate the fact that 18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18. 

Don't wait up.


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## SINC (Feb 16, 2001)

Joe took his blind date to the carnival. "What would you like to do first, Kim?" asked Joe.

"I want to get weighed," she said. They ambled over to the weight guesser.

He guessed 120 pounds. She got on the scale; it read 117 and she won a prize.

Next the couple went on the ferris wheel. When the ride was over, Joe again asked Kim what she would like to do.

"I want to get weighed," she said.

Back to the weight guesser they went. Since they had been there before, he guessed her correct weight, and Joe lost his dollar.

The couple walked around the carnival and again he asked where to next.

"I want to get weighed," she responded.

By this time, Joe figured she was really weird and took her home early, dropping her off with a handshake.

Her roommate, Laura, asked her about the blind date, "How'd it go?"

Kim responded, "Oh, Waura, it was wousy." 

Cheers


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## The Doug (Jun 14, 2003)

*SO YOU THINK YOU KNOW EVERYTHING?* 

A dime has 118 ridges around the edge. 

A cat has 32 muscles in each ear. 

A crocodile cannot stick out its tongue. 

A dragonfly has a life span of 24 hours. 

A goldfish has a memory span of three seconds. 

A "jiffy" is an actual unit of time for 1/100th of a second. 

A shark is the only fish that can blink with both eyes. 

A snail can sleep for three years. 

Al Capone's business card said he was a used furniture dealer. 

All 50 states are listed across the top of the Lincoln Memorial on the back of the $5 bill. 

Almonds are a member of the peach family. 

An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain. 

Babies are born without kneecaps. They don't appear until the child reaches 2 to 6 years of age.

Butterflies taste with their feet. 

Cats have over one hundred vocal sounds. Dogs only have about 10. 

"Dreamt" is the only English word that ends in the letters "mt". 

February 1865 is the only month in recorded history not to have a full moon. 

In the last 4,000 years, no new animals have been domesticated. 

If the population of China walked past you, in single file, the line would never end because of the rate of reproduction. 

In your whole life, you will spend an average of 6 months waiting at red lights. 

It's impossible to sneeze with your eyes open. 

Leonardo Da Vinci invented the scissors. 

Maine is the only state whose name is just one syllable. 

No word in the English language rhymes with month, orange, silver, or purple. 

On a Canadian two dollar bill, the flag flying over the Parliament building is an American flag. 

Our eyes are always the same size from birth, but our nose and ears never stop growing. 

Peanuts are one of the ingredients of dynamite. 

Rubber bands last longer when refrigerated. 

"Stewardesses" is the longest word typed with only the left hand and "lollipop" with your right. 

The average person's left hand does 56% of the typing. 

The cruise liner, QE2, moves only six inches for each gallon of diesel that it burns. 

The microwave was invented after a researcher walked by a radar tube and a chocolate bar melted in his pocket. 

The sentence: "The quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog" uses every letter of the alphabet. 

The winter of 1932 was so cold that Niagara Falls froze completely solid. 

The words 'racecar,' 'kayak' and 'level' are the same whether they are read left to right or right to left (palindromes). 

There are 293 ways to make change for a dollar. 

There are more chickens than people in the world. 

There are only four words in the English language which end in "dous": tremendous, horrendous, stupendous, and hazardous 

There are two words in the English language that have all five vowels in order: "abstemious" and "facetious." 

There's no Betty Rubble in the Flintstones Chewables Vitamins. 

Tigers have striped skin, not just striped fur. 

TYPEWRITER is the longest word that can be made using the letters only on one row of the keyboard. 

Winston Churchill was born in a ladies' room during a dance. 

Women blink nearly twice as much as men. 

Your stomach has to produce a new layer of mucus every two weeks; otherwise it will digest itself.


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## Dr.G. (Aug 4, 2001)

Doug, actually I did know that 
All 50 states are listed across the top of the Lincoln Memorial on the back of the $5 bill. 

Almonds are a member of the peach family. 

TYPEWRITER is the longest word that can be made using the letters only on one row of the keyboard.

There are two words in the English language that have all five vowels in order: "abstemious" 
and "facetious."
The sentence: "The quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog" uses every letter of the alphabet. 

The winter of 1932 was so cold that Niagara Falls froze completely solid. 

The words 'racecar,' 'kayak' and 'level' are the same whether they are read left to right or right to left (palindromes). 


There are only four words in the English language which end in "dous": tremendous, horrendous, stupendous, and hazardous.

Do I win a prize???


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## The Doug (Jun 14, 2003)

Dr. G., you have won my admiration!


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## Dr.G. (Aug 4, 2001)

Doug, coming from you, that is a fine prize indeed. Merci, mon ami.


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## MACSPECTRUM (Oct 31, 2002)

Two bored casino dealers are waiting at the craps table.
A very attractive blonde woman arrived and bet twenty thousand Dollars
on a single roll of the dice. She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I
feel much luckier when I'm completely nude.

" With that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and
yelled,
"Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!"

As the dice came to a stop she jumped up and down and
squealed...

"YES!
YES!
I WON, I WON!"

She hugged each of the dealers and then picked up her winnings and
her clothes and quickly departed.
The dealers stared at each other dumfounded.

Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?"

The other answered, "I don't know - I thought you were watching."

MORAL: Not all blondes are dumb, but all men are men.


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## SINC (Feb 16, 2001)

Women on men:

Q. How can you tell when a man is well-hung?
A. When you can just barely slip your finger in between his neck and the noose.

Q. Why do little boys whine?
A. Because they're practicing to be men.

Q. How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A. Three - one to screw in the bulb, and two to listen to him brag about the screwing part.

Q. What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?
A. You didn't hold the pillow down long enough.

Cheers


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## The Doug (Jun 14, 2003)

There are words which inspire.

Then, there's the truth.


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## GratuitousApplesauce (Jan 29, 2004)

... and in the same vein,

Grant me the serenity,
to accept the things I cannot change,
the courage to change the things I can,
and the wisdom
to hide the bodies,
of the people I had to kill,
BECAUSE THEY PISSED ME OFF!!!


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## GratuitousApplesauce (Jan 29, 2004)

Oh no! I found this old chestnut ...

A man met a beautiful woman, and she agreed to spend the night with him for $500. So, they spent the night together. In the morning before he left, he told the woman that he did not have any cash with him, but that he would have his secretary write a check and mail it to her, calling the payment "Rent for Apartment". 

On the way to the office, he regretted what he had done, realizing that the whole event was not worth the price. So, he sent a check for $250 and enclosed a note: "Dear Madam: Enclosed you will find a check in the amount of $250 for rent of your apartment. I am not sending the amount agreed upon, because when I rented the apartment, I was under the impression that: 

1. It had never been occupied; 
2. There was plenty of heat; and 
3. It was small enough to make me cozy and at home. 

Last night, however, I found out that it had been previously occupied, that there wasn't any heat, and that it was entirely too large." Upon receipt of the note, the woman immediately sent back the following reply:

"Dear Sir: First of all, I cannot understand how you expect such a beautiful apartment to remain unoccupied indefinitely. As for the heat, there is plenty of it if you know how to turn it on. Regarding the space, the apartment is indeed of regular size, but if you don't have enough furniture to fill it, please don't blame the landlord."


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## arminarm (Jan 12, 2002)

Next time you're at Wal-Mart:

Make a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the rest
rooms.

Move a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

When a clerk asks if they can help you, scream, "Why can't you people just leave me alone?"

Look right into the security camera, use it as a mirror and pick your nose.

While handling guns in the hunting department, ask the clerk if he/she knows where the anti-depressants are.

When an announcement comes over the loud speaker, assume the fetal position and scream "NO! NO! It's those voices again!!!"

Go into a fitting room, shut the door and wait a while and then yell loudly "There's no toilet paper in here!"


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## MacNutt (Jan 16, 2002)

If you even start to behave like this in a Wal-Mart, the "sales associates" will escort you out, or summon the authorities forthwith.

Don't ask me how I know this.

BTW...When I lived in Billings Montana, there was a HUGE Wal-Mart on the edge of town. It had everything you might ever want...including a major grocery section...at fire sale prices. 

The place was absolutely packed, 24/7!  

In that Montana Wal-Mart, I once stood in line behind a fat guy guy in a NASCAR T-shirt who was buying twenty cases of beer, a handgun, a shotgun, and a hunting rifle. PLUS a whole pile of ammo!
















Guess he was planning a party.


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## arminarm (Jan 12, 2002)

Don't go here if you revere Disney or Wal-Mart or other icons of commercial prowess .....

For others, a hilarious anti-Disney blog for "Shock & Awe" Photoshop mavens.

Beats the hell out of doggie poo! ....


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## The Doug (Jun 14, 2003)

BLAMESTORMING: Sitting around in a group, discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed, and who was responsible.

SEAGULL MANAGER: A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps on everything, and then leaves.

ASSMOSIS: The process by which some people seem to absorb success and advancement by kissing up to the boss rather than working hard.

SALMON DAY: The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to get screwed and die in the end.

CUBE FARM: An office filled with cubicles.

PRAIRIE DOGGING: When someone yells or drops something loudly in a Cube farm, and people's heads pop up over the walls to see what's going on.

MOUSE POTATO: The on-line, wired generation's answer to the couch potato.

SITCOMs: Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage. What yuppies turn into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay home with the kids.

STRESS PUPPY: A person who seems to thrive on being stressed out and whiney.

SWIPEOUT: An ATM or credit card that has been rendered useless because the magnetic strip is worn away from extensive use.

XEROX SUBSIDY: Euphemism for swiping free photocopies from one's workplace.

IRRITAINMENT: Entertainment and media spectacles that are annoying but you find yourself unable to stop watching them. 

PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE: The fine art of whacking the crap out of an electronic device to get it to work again.

ADMINISPHERE: The rarefied organizational layers beginning just above the rank and file. Decisions that fall from the adminisphere are often profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed to solve.

404: Someone who's absolutely clueless. From the World Wide Web error message "404 Not Found," meaning that the requested document could not be located.

GENERICA: Features of the American landscape that are exactly the same no matter where one is, such as fast food joints, strip malls, and subdivisions.

OHNOSECOND: That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that you've just made a BIG mistake.

WOOF'S: Well-Off Older Folks.


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## SINC (Feb 16, 2001)

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter. "What are you doing?" she asked. "Hunting flies," he responded. "Oh. Killing any?" she asked. "Yep, three males, two females," he replied. Intrigued, she asked. "How can you tell?" He responded, "Three were on a beer can, two were on the phone." 

Cheers


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## LGBaker (Apr 15, 2002)




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## Lawrence (Mar 11, 2003)

Subject: Newfoundland quarters
Joke deleted,
I'll try to find a replacement that doesn't cause offence.
(Although...I may be hard pressed)

Dave

[ February 19, 2004, 09:42 AM: Message edited by: dolawren ]


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## Dr.G. (Aug 4, 2001)

Dave, first of all our province is called Newfoundland and Labrador. Second of all, the variation of this joke goes back to make fun of Jewish, Polish, Scottish, et al, as far back as the ten-cent phone call and two nickles. None of them were funny then, as this is not funny now.


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## MACSPECTRUM (Oct 31, 2002)

Well said Dr. G.


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## Dr.G. (Aug 4, 2001)

These days, I just don't see the humor in "jokes" that make "fun" of some identifiable group and which furthers the stereotype. Still, that said, did you hear the one about the New Yorker and his four doxies??? They were his own "glassmanagerie".


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## MACSPECTRUM (Oct 31, 2002)

[groan]


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## Dr.G. (Aug 4, 2001)

Macspectrum, at least I am picking on myself, rather than an identifiable group of Canadians. As the old saying goes in the Glassman household, "People who live in stone houses should not throw glasses."


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## SINC (Feb 16, 2001)

A man went to visit Dr. G. and was amazed to find him playing chess with his Doxie. He watched the game in astonishment for a while. "I can hardly believe my eyes!" he exclaimed. "That's the smartest Doxie I've ever seen."

"Oh, he's not so smart," Dr. G. replied. "I've beaten him three games out of five."

Cheers


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## Dr.G. (Aug 4, 2001)

Good one, Sinc.

Dr.G. went into a bar with one of his doxies. He bet the bartender $5 that his dog could order a drink. The bartender took the bet, but the doxie remained silent. Dr.G., knowing of his talented doxie, offered double or nothing, which the bartended accepted. Again the doxie was silent. Upon leaving the bar, Dr.G. scolded his doxie saying, "Why didn't you order me a gin and tonic???" The doxie replied, "Relax, next time go in and bet him $1000 and we will have it made." 

(NOTE -- No doxies, doctors or bartenders were hurt in this bomb of a joke).


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## Chris (Feb 8, 2001)

A man walked into a bar and sat down. He pulled a miniature piano from his pocket, and placed it on the bar. He then reached into his other pocket and removed a small, well dressed man, who sat before the piano and started playing it.

The bartender was very impressed, and, as he poured the man a beer, asked how he came to be in possession of such a fascinating combination.

"It's funny," said the man, "I found this old lamp, just like Aladdin's. When I was cleaning it, I thought of somethin I would like, then, suddenly, it appeared before me."

"Can I try it?" asked the barkeep.

"Sure," said the man,"but be very, very clear about what you wish for."

The man handed the lamp to the bartender, who held it, and polished it with his cloth, his brow furrowed in concentration. Just then, a duck walked into the bar. Then another, and another; soon a whole flock was in the bar, quacking and making themselves comfortable.

The bartender was shocked. "What's this?" he asked. The man at the bar shook his head. "I told you to be very clear as to what you wanted," he said.

"Do you think I asked for a 10 inch pianist?"


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## MACSPECTRUM (Oct 31, 2002)




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## SINC (Feb 16, 2001)

I found this photo of the winner of a wet T-Shirt contest rather amusing!









Cheers


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## arminarm (Jan 12, 2002)

"I can't remember what I did , but I wasn't flying because they didn't have the same airplane."
-- George W. Bush


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## SINC (Feb 16, 2001)

If you can start the day without caffeine or pep pills...

If you can always be cheerful, ignoring aches and pains...

If you can resist complaining and boring people with your troubles...

If you can eat the same food everyday and be grateful for it...

If you can understand, repeatedly, when loved ones are too busy to give you time...

If you can overlook when people take things out on you when, through no fault of yours, something goes wrong...

If you can take criticism and blame without resentment...

If you can face the world without lies and deceit...

If you can conquer tension without medical help...

If you can relax without liquor...

If you can sleep without the aid of drugs...

If you can do all of these things...

Then you are probably the family dog.

Cheers


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## Dr.G. (Aug 4, 2001)

How very true, Sinc.


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## Peter Scharman (Jan 4, 2002)

Three Texas surgeons were playing golf together and
discussing surgeries they had performed.
One of them said, "I'm the best surgeon in Texas. A concert pianist lost 7 fingers in an accident, Ireattached them, and 8 months later he performed a private concert for the Queen of England."
One of the others said. "That's nothing. A young man lost both arms and legs in an accident, I reattached them, and 2 years later he won a gold medal in field events in the Olympics."
The third surgeon said, "You guys are amateurs. Several years ago a cowboy who was high on cocaine and alcohol rode a horse head-on into a train traveling 80 miles an hour. All I had left to work with was the horse's ass and a cowboy hat. Now he's president of the United States."


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## Dr.G. (Aug 4, 2001)

Peter, "ride em cowboy". We should work this into the act.


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## Lawrence (Mar 11, 2003)

Subject: Airline Humour

All too rarely, airline attendants make an effort to
make the in-flight "safety lecture" and announcements
a bit more entertaining. Here are some real examples 
that have been heard or reported:
*****************************
On a Continental Flight with a very "senior" flight 
attendant crew, the pilot said, "Ladies and gentlemen,
we've reached cruising altitude and will be turning down
the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and to
enhance the appearance of your flight attendants."
*****************************
Heard on a Southwest Airline flight. "Ladies and 
gentlemen, if you wish to smoke, the smoking section
on this airplane is on the wing and if you can light 'em,
you can smoke 'em."
**************************************************
On landing, the stewardess said, "Please be sure to
take all of your belongings. If you're going to leave anything,
please make sure it's something we'd like to have."
*******************************
There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there
are only 4 ways out of this airplane"
****************************
"Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope
you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed
taking you for a ride."
*******************************
As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at
Ronald Reagan, a lone voice came over the loudspeaker:
"Whoa, big fella. 
WHOA!"
********************************
After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in 
Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced,
"Please take care when opening the overhead compartments
because, after a landing like that, sure as hell everything has shifted."
*********************************
From a Southwest Airlines employee: "Welcome aboard 
Southwest Flight 245 to Tampa. To operate your seat belt,
insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every
other seat belt; and, if you don't know how to operate one, you probably
shouldn't be out in public unsupervised."
***************************
"In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend from
the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face.
If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before
assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with more than one small child,
pick your favorite."
*****************************
Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but
we'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember,
nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines."
*********************************
"Your seat cushions can be used for flotation; and, in the event of an
emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with
our compliments."
***********************
"As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings.
Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight
attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses."
****************************************
And from the pilot during his welcome message: "Delta Airlines is
pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry.
Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight!"
********************************************
Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in Salt Lake City:
The flight attendant came on the intercom and said, "That was quite a bump,
and I know what y'all are thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airline's fault,
it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight attendant's fault, it was the asphalt."
*********************************************
Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a
particularly windy and bumpy day: During the final approach, the Captain
was really having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo.
Please remain in your seats with your seat belts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!"
**************************************************
Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing:
"We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the
terminal."
***************************************************
An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered
his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which
required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited,
smile, and give them a "Thanks for flying our airline." He said that,
in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment.
Finally everyone had gotten off except for a little
old lady walking with a cane. She said, "Sir, do you mind if I ask you a question?" "Why, no, Ma'am," said the pilot. "What is it?" 
The little old lady said, "Did we land, or were we shot down?"
*******************************************************
After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the attendant came on the horn, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Capt. Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal."
************************************************************
Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement:
"We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the
next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the
skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of US Airways."
***********************************************************
A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached comfortable cruising altitude, the Captain made an announcement over the intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles. 
The weather ahead is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and
uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax... OH, MY GOD!"
Silence followed, and after a few minutes, the captain came back on the
intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier. While I was talking to you, the flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot
coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!" 
A passenger in Coach yelled, 
"That's nothing. You should see the back of mine!"


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## The Doug (Jun 14, 2003)

A man visited his doctor with an apple stuck in his mouth, celery jammed in each ear, and a carrot stick up each nostril. 

He mumbles, "Doc, I'm just not feeling well."

The doctor replies, "Maybe you're not eating right."


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## SINC (Feb 16, 2001)

After telling the customs agent he had nothing in his bags but clothing, a man was alarmed when the female official decided to open them up and check.

In the very first one she opened, cushioned between his socks was a bottle of cognac.

"Nothing to declare but clothing, eh?"

"Right," the man extemporized. "That, madam, is my nightcap." 

Cheers


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