# joke du jour



## MACSPECTRUM (Oct 31, 2002)

A husband walks into Frederick's of Hollywood to purchase some sheer lingerie for his wife. 
He is shown several possibilities that range from $250 to $500 in price, the more sheer, the higher the price. He opts for the most sheer item, pays the $500 and takes the lingerie home. 

He presents it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs, put it on and model it for him.
Upstairs, the wife thinks, "I have an idea. It's so sheer that it might as well be nothing. I'll not put it on, do the modeling naked and return it the next day and get a $500 refund for myself. 

So she appears naked on the balcony and strikes a pose. 

The husband says, "Good Lord! You'd think that for $500 they'd at least iron it!" 

Funeral Services are pending.


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## The Doug (Jun 14, 2003)

At a convention of biological scientists, one prominent researcher remarked to another, "Did you know that in our lab we have switched from rats to lawyers for our experiments?"

"Really?" the other researcher replied. "Why did you switch?"

"Well, for three reasons. First we found that lawyers are far more plentiful. Second, the lab assistants don't get so attached to them, and thirdly there are some things even a rat won't do."


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## MACSPECTRUM (Oct 31, 2002)

Five surgeons are discussing who makes the best patients to operate on

The first surgeon says, "I like to see accountants on my operating table
because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered."

The second responds, "Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything
inside them is color coded.

The third surgeon says, "No, I really think librarians are the best;
everything inside them is in alphabetical order."

The fourth surgeon chimes in: "You know, I like construction workers.
Those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over at the
end, and when the job takes longer than you said it would.

But the fifth surgeon shut them all up when he observed: "You're all
wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no
heart, no balls, no brains and no spine, and the head and the ass are
interchangeable.


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## MacDoc (Nov 3, 2001)




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## arminarm (Jan 12, 2002)

Yo! MacDoc, where you bin?

I got the "you're not hip enough" 'tude at the large Apple dealer in the lower east end of T.O. that opened last year.

5 staff (2 on the phone).... 1 customer (me) and 1 customer at cash.

I ask for ink.

I get from counter staff (a sloth-like goth) a glance at the ceiling and "we'll be right with you" .... 

1 staff leaves the premises .... 2 wander ....

I ask wandering staff for ink ... "ask at the counter".

I leave .... come back in 20 minutes.

Same customer at checkout counter visibly pissed off.

Sloth-like goth asking her if she has shopped there before. She declines to answer saying "Put it on the card and let me out of here".

He: "is this your husband's card?
She: "Yes!"
He: "Has he shopped here before?"

Finally sloth goth to me: "Have you shopped here before?

Me: "just now for the last time"


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## MaxPower (Jan 30, 2003)

A pastor, a doctor and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers.

The engineer fumed, "What's with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!"

The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such ineptitude!"

The pastor said, "Hey, here comes the greens keeper. Let's have a word with him."

"Hi George! Say, what's with that group ahead of us... they're rather slow, aren't they?"

The greens keeper replied, "Oh, yes, that's a group of blind firefighters... they lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime."

The group was silent for a moment.

The pastor said," That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight."

The doctor said, "Good idea. And I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there's anything he can do for them."

The engineer said, "Why can't these guys play at night?"


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## The Doug (Jun 14, 2003)

*HOW TO KEEP A HEALTHY LEVEL OF INSANITY* 

1) At lunchtime, sit in your parked car with sunglasses on and point a hair dryer at passing cars. See if they slow down. 

2) Page yourself over the intercom. Don't disguise your voice. 

3) Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries with that. 

4) Put your garbage can on your desk and label it "IN." 

5) Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten over their caffeine addiction, switch to espresso. 

6) In the memo field of all your checks, write "FOR SEXUAL FAVORS". 

7) Finish all your sentences with "In accordance with the prophecy." 

8) Dont use any punctuation 

9) As often as possible, skip rather than walk. 

10) Ask people what sex they are. Laugh hysterically after they answer. 

11) Specify that your drive-through order is "to go." 

12) Sing along at the opera. 

13) Go to a poetry recital and ask why the poems don't rhyme. 

14) Put mosquito netting around your work area. Play a tape of jungle sounds all day. 

15) Five days in advance, tell your friends you can't attend their party because you're not in the mood. 

16) Have your coworkers address you by your wrestling name, for example: Rock Hard or El Guapo (Or one of your choice). 

17) When the money comes out of the ATM, scream "I Won! I Won!" "3rd time this week!!!" 

18) When leaving the zoo, start running towards the parking lot, yelling, "Run for your lives, they're loose!" 

19) Tell your children over dinner. "Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go." 

And the final way to keep a healthy level of insanity.... 

20) Send this to everyone in your address book, even if they sent it to you or have asked you not to send them stuff like this.


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## godot (Jan 17, 2004)

A teacher in a small Texas town asks her class how many of them are Bush fans. 
Not really knowing what a Bush fan is, but wanting to be liked by the teacher, all the kids raise their hands except one boy, Johnny. 
The teacher asks Johnny why he has decided to be different. 
Johnny says, "I'm not a Bush fan."
The teacher says, "Why aren't you a Bush fan?" 
Johnny says, "I'm a John Kerry fan." 
The teacher asks why he's a John Kerry fan. 
The boy says, "Well, my mom's a John Kerry fan and my dad's a John Kerry fan, so I'm a John Kerry fan!" 
The teacher is kind of angry, because this is Texas, so she says, "What if you're mom was a moron and you're dad was an idiot, what would that make you?"
Johnny says, "That would make me a Bush fan."


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## K_OS (Dec 13, 2002)

A guy and an Ostrich walk into a bar and sit down, bartender asks "what will you have?" the man answers "a beer" and the bartender asks the Ostrich "the same" the bartender comes back with the beers and say's "that will be 5.25" the man goes into his coat pocket and pulls out exact change. The following day both the man and the Ostrich walk into the bar again the man asks for a beer and the Ostrich gets the same, the bartender comes back and says "that will be 5.25" the man again goes into his coat pocket and grabs exact change. The following night it was getting pretty close to last call the man and the Ostrich walk in sit down at the bar and the bartender asks " what will you be having?" the man asks for a Scotch and the Ostrich again asks for the same, the bartender comes back with the drinks and asks for "that will be 8.62" the man reachs into his coat pocket and again pays with exact change, the bartender at this point is very curious he asks the man "how do you come with exact everytime?" the man responds "well that's a very funny story one day I'm cleaning out my closet and this lamp fall out, I rub the lamp and a genie pops out and grants me 2 wishs so on the 1st wish I asked that whenever I'm paying for anything I can reach into my pocket and get exact change" then the bartender asks "so what with the Ostrich?" the man responds "that was the 2nd wish, I asked for a chick with long legs".


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## kps (May 4, 2003)

In keeping with the Passion...

Two guys and a union worker were fishing on a lake one day, when Jesus walked across the water and joined them in the boat. When the three astonished men had settled down enough to speak, the first guy asked humbly, "Jesus, I've suffered from back pain ever since I took shrapnel in the Vietnam war...could you help me?"

"Of course, my son", Jesus said, and when he touched the man's
back, he felt relief for the first time in years.

The second man, who wore very thick glasses and had a hard
time reading and driving, asked if Jesus could do anything about his eyesight.

Jesus smiled, removed the man's glasses and tossed them in the
lake. When they hit the water, the man's eyes cleared and he could see everything distinctly.

When Jesus turned to heal the union worker, the guy put his
hands up and cried defensively, "Don't touch me! I'm on long term disability."


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## CubaMark (Feb 16, 2001)

How many e-mail group members does it take to change a lightbulb?

1 to change the light bulb and to post that the light bulb has been changed

14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light
bulb could have been changed differently

7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs

27 to point out spelling/grammar errors in posts about changing light bulbs

53 to flame the spell checkers

41 to correct spelling/grammar flames

6 to argue over whether it's "lightbulb" or "light bulb" ...

another 6 to condemn those 6 as anal-retentive

2 industry professionals to inform the group that the proper term is "lamp"

15 know-it-alls who claim *they* were in the industry, and that "light bulb"
is perfectly correct

156 to email the participant's ISPs complaining that they are in violation
of their "acceptable use policy"

109 to post that this group is not about light bulbs and to please take this
discussion to a lightbulb group

203 to demand that cross posting to hardware forum, off-topic forum, and
lightbulb group about changing light bulbs be stopped

111 to defend the posting to this group saying that we all use light bulbs
and therefore the posts *are* relevant to this group

306 to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior, where to buy
the best light bulbs, what brand of light bulbs work best for this
technique, and what brands are faulty

27 to post URL's where one can see examples of different light bulbs

14 to post that the URL's were posted incorrectly and then post the
corrected URL's

3 to post about links they found from the URL's which make light bulbs
relevant to this group

33 to link all posts to date, quote them in their entirety including all
headers and signatures, and add "Me too"

12 to post to the group that they will no longer post because they cannot
handle the light bulb controversy

19 to quote the "Me too's" to say "Me three"

4 to suggest that posters request the light bulb FAQ

44 to ask what is a "FAQ"

4 to say "didn't we go through this already a short time ago?"

143 to say "do a Google search on light bulbs before posting questions about
light bulbs"

1 forum lurker to respond to the original post 6 months from now and start
it all over again....


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## Aurora (Sep 25, 2001)

Oh wow. A little over reactive maybe but did you ever hit the nail on the head with this post CM.


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## Peter Scharman (Jan 4, 2002)

Thanks, CubaMark.....and here I thought this problem existed only in Ehmac. I guess we're just normal after all.


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## The Doug (Jun 14, 2003)

A man was searching the dictionary for the word "dictionary", and he found this meaning: _Dictionary is the thing which you are holding, stupid!_

When he searched for the word "stupid" he found: _Is that you again?_


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## BigDL (Apr 16, 2003)

During the cold war the USA was bragging on about a super computer that they had developed. The computer’s program was to translate form english to any language and back to English as an exact translation.

They called a great press conference. Representatives of the world’s press corps arrived to see the demonstration of the computer’s abilities.

A representative from the State Department type into the computer “Out of sight out of mind.” The phrase was instantly translated into many languages. The print out was given to press corps and they all agreed that each translation was written perfectly and translated faithfully. All of the translations were typed back into the computer and the English translation all came back as “Out of sight out of mind”

A correspondent from the USSR was not pleased with the praise being heaped on the computer’s abilities and thereby the good old USA. He admitted that was interesting but in a time of crisis could the computer translate from say English to Russian and then to Chinese and back to English?

The rep. from the State Department said can do and proceeded to put the phrase “Out of sight out of mind” into the computer again but only with a Russian translation and then when he put the Russian phrase “Out of sight out of mind” into Chinese when that translation came out he typed it back into the computer and out popped the English translation instantly *“Invisible Lunatic.”*


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## SINC (Feb 16, 2001)

A man is softly playing the piano one night in a downtown bar. 

In walks an elephant, sits down by the piano and while listening begins to cry.

"There, there", says the pianist, "do you recognize the song?"

"Oh no", said the elephant, "I recognize the white keys".

Cheers


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## godot (Jan 17, 2004)

I was travelling between Toronto and Ajax the other day when a tire blew out. Checking my spare, I found that it too was flat. My only option was to flag down a passing motorist and get a ride to the next town.

The first vehicle to stop was an old man in a van. He yelled out the window, "Need a lift?"

"Yes, I sure do," I replied.

"You a Liberal or Conservative," asked the old man.

"Conservative," I replied.

"Well, you can just go to Hell," yelled the old man as he sped off.

"Another guy stopped, rolled down the window, and asked me the same question.

Again, I gave the answer, "Conservative."

The driver gave me the finger and drove off.

I thought it over and decided that maybe I should change my strategy, since this area seemed to be overly political and there appeared to be few Conservatives.

The next car to stop was a red convertible driven by a beautiful blonde. She smiled seductively and asked if I was a Liberal or Conservative.

"Liberal," I shouted.

"Hop in!" replied the blonde.

Driving down the road, I couldn't help but stare at the gorgeous woman in the seat next to me, the wind blowing through her hair, perfect breasts, and a short skirt that continued to ride higher and higher up her thighs.

Finally, I yelled, "Please stop the car."

She immediately slammed on the brakes and as soon as the car stopped, I jumped out.

"What's the matter?" she asked.

"I can't take it anymore," I replied. "I've only been a Liberal for five minutes and already I want to screw somebody."


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## SINC (Feb 16, 2001)

HOW BUSINESS IS DONE IN OTTAWA

The steps at the Parliament Hill building needed some repairs so bids are
taken from contractors from across the country.

First a contractor from Toronto looks it over. After a session of measuring
and figuring he presents his bid. I can do it for $19,000, he says. I'd need
$9,000 for materials, $9,000 for my crew, and $1,000 profit for me.

Next a ******* from Calgary does his measuring and calculating then says,
I'll do it for $17,000. $8,000 for materials, $8,000 for my crew, and $1,000
profit for me.

Last a Liberal friendly advertising firm from Montreal steps up. Without
even looking at the job site he says, I'll do it for $57,000. Surprised at
how high it is, the man taking the bids asks him to explain it. It's simple,
he says. $20,000 for me, $20,000 for you, and we hire the guy from Calgary.

Cheers


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## The Doug (Jun 14, 2003)

A kangaroo kept getting out of his enclosure at the zoo.

Knowing that the animal could jump pretty high, the zoo officials put up a ten-foot fence. However, the next morning the kangaroo was out again, just roaming around the zoo.

The zoo officials raised the height of the fence again, this time to twenty feet. The next morning though, they found the kangaroo roaming around the zoo grounds.

This kept on, night after night, until the fence was sixty feet high. Finally, the camel in the next enclosure asked the kangaroo, "How high do you think they'll go?"

The kangaroo replied, "Probably a hundred feet, unless somebody starts locking my gate at night!!"


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## SINC (Feb 16, 2001)

Two men are driving through Alberta when they get pulled over by a Mountie. 

He walks up and taps on the window with his nightstick. The driver rolls down the window and WHACK, the mountie smacks him in the head with the stick. "What the hell was that for?" the driver asks. 

"You're in Alberta, boy," the mountie answers. "When we pull you over, you better have your license ready when we get to your car." 

"I'm sorry, officer," the driver says, "I'm not from around here." 

The mountie runs a check on the guy's license--he's clean--and gives his license back. 

He then walks around to the passenger side and taps on the window. The passenger rolls down the window and WHACK, he smacks him on the head with the nightstick. 

"What'd you do that for?" the passenger whines. 

"Just making your wish come true," replies the mountie. 

"Making WHAT wish come true?" the passenger asks. 

"Well now," says the mountie, "you know and I know that about two blocks down the road you're going to turn to your buddy and say, "I wish that jerk had tried that crap with me!"

Cheers


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## The Doug (Jun 14, 2003)

1. Two peanuts walk into a bar. One was a salted.

2. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."

3. A sandwich walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Sorry we don't serve food in here."

4. A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says, "A beer please...... and one for the road."

6. Two antennas meet on a roof, fall in love, and get married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was brilliant.

7. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other, "Does this taste funny to you?"

8. "Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home.'" "That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome." "Is it common?" "It's Not Unusual."

9. Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning." "I don't believe you," said Dolly. "It's true, no bull!" exclaimed Daisy.

10. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.

11. Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One says, "I've lost my electron." The other says, "Are you sure?" The first replies, "Yes, I'm positive..."

12. Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull s**t before.

13. A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet and says, "My dog's cross-eyed. Is there anything you can do for him?" "Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him." So, he picks the dog up, examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says, "I'm going to have to put him down." "What?! Just because he's cross-eyed?!?" "No, because he's really, really heavy!!"

14. Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. And there are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mom or my dad...... or, maybe my older brother Colin or my younger brother Ho Chau. But I'm pretty sure it's Colin.

15. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.

16. I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 5 bucks that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, "No, the steaks are too high."

17. A man regained consciousness in the hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, "Doctor, doctor! I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you can't...... I've cut your arms off".

18. I went to a seafood disco rave last week and pulled a mussel.

19. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. But when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank....... proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

20. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

21. Two termites walk into a bar. One asked, "Is the bar tender here?


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## iLabmAn (Jan 1, 2003)

A man walked into a bar....

....took him three months to recover.


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## SINC (Feb 16, 2001)

I giggled when I saw this one this morning:










Cheers


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## MaxPower (Jan 30, 2003)

Customer: "I'm having a problem installing your software. I've got a Fairly old computer, and when I type 'INSTALL', all it says is 'Bad command or File name'."

Tech Support: "Ok, check the directory of the A: drive. Go to A: \ and Type 'dir'."

Customer reads off a list of file names, including 'INSTALL.EXE'.

Tech Support: "All right, the correct file is there. Type 'INSTALL' again."

Customer: "Ok." (pause) "Still says 'Bad command or file name'."

Tech Support: "Hmmm. The file's there in the correct place-it can't help but do something. Are you sure you're typing I-N-S-T-A-L-L and hitting the Enter key?"

Customer: "Yes, let me try it again." (pause) "Nope, still 'Bad command or file name'."

Tech Support: (now really confused) "Are you sure you're typing I-N-S-T-A-L-L and hitting the key that says 'Enter'?"

Customer: "Well, yeah. Although my 'N' key is stuck, so I'm using the 'M' key... does that matter?"


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## MaxPower (Jan 30, 2003)

A scientist approached God and said "Listen, we've decided we no longer need you. Nowadays we can clone people, transplant hearts and do all kinds of things that were once considered miraculous."

God patiently heard him out and then said "All right. To see whether or not you still need me, why don't we have a man making contest?"

"Okay, great!" the scientist said.

"Now we're going to do this just like I did back in the olde days with Adam" God said.

"That's fine" replied the scientist and bent to scoop up a handful of dirt.

"Whoa!" God said shaking his head in disapproval. "Not so fast pal. You get your own dirt."


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## BigDL (Apr 16, 2003)

Three brothers who recently retired were discussing their careers. Two had become Doctors and one became a mechanic.

The Doctors chastised the mechanic for not becoming a Doctor. They pointed out the mechanic was smart and with all the time he had spent taking course and looking at technical manuals and such he too could have been a doctor. The doctors demanded to know why their brother could have picked such a mundane profession.

The mechanic replied that his profession was very dynamic. He felt his brothers profession was very mundane. 

The mechanic asked his brothers “how could you put up with working, day in and day out, on only two models that have not changed since their original introduction?


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## SINC (Feb 16, 2001)

To which the two brother doctors replied, "Fair enough, but we work on them with the engine running!"

Cheers


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## Strongblade (Jul 9, 2001)

My mother sent me this one... I hope you find as funny as I did!

===================
While vacationing on a ranch one August day, Jean Chretien gets thrown from his horse, lands on a rattlesnake, gets bit and dies because the emergency room at the nearest hospital is too understaffed to treat him in time. 
 
So his soul arrives in heaven and he is met by St. Peter at the Pearly Gates. 
 
"Welcome to Heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a Liberal around these parts, so we're not sure what to do with you." 
 
"No problem, just let me in; I'm a believer." says Chretien. 
 
"I'd like to just let you in, but I have orders from the Man Himself. He says you have to spend one day in Hell and one day in Heaven. Then you must  choose where you'll live for eternity." 
 
"But, I've already made up my mind, I want to be in Heaven," replied Chretien. 
 
"I'm sorry, but we have our rules." And with that, St. Peter escorts him to an elevator and he goes down, down, all the way to Hell . The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a lush golf course; the sun is shining in a cloudless sky, the temperature a perfect 72 degrees. 
 
In the distance is a beautiful clubhouse. Standing in front of it is his dad and thousands of other Liberals who had helped him out over the years. Pierre Trudeau, Jean Marchand, Pelletier, St Laurent etc . . . 

The whole of the "Left" was there . . .everyone laughing . . happy and casually but expensively dressed. They run to greet him, hug him, and reminisce about the good times they had getting rich at expense of the "suckers and peasants." 
 
They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster and caviar. The Devil himself comes up to Chretien with a frosty drink. "Have a Margarita and relax, Jean!" 

"Uh, I can't drink no more, I took a pledge," says Chretien, dejectedly. 

"This is Hell, son you can drink and eat all you want and not worry, and it just gets better from there!" 
 
Chretien takes the drink and finds himself liking the Devil, who he thinks is a really very friendly guy who tells funny jokes like himself, and pulls hilarious nasty pranks, kind of like they pulled on the GST and Free Trade promises. They are having such a great time that, before he realizes it, it's time to go. Everyone gives him a big hug and waves as Chretien steps on the elevator and heads upward. 
 
When the elevator door reopens, he is in Heaven again and St. Peter is waiting for him. "Now it's time to visit Heaven," the old man says, opening the gate. So for 24 hours Chretien is made to hang out with a bunch of honest, good-natured people who enjoy each other's company, talk about things other than money, and treat each other decently. Not a nasty prank or fratboy joke among them; no fancy country clubs and, while the food tastes great, it's not caviar or lobster. And these people are all poor, he doesn't see anybody he knows, and he isn't even treated like someone special! 
 
"Whoa," he says uncomfortably to himself. "Pierre Trudeau never prepared me for this." 
 
The day done, St. Peter returns and says, "Well, you've spent a day in Hell and a day in Heaven. Now choose where you want to live for eternity." 
 
With the 'Jeopardy' theme playing softly in the background, Chretien reflects for a minute, then answers, "Well, I would never have thought I'd say this -- I mean, Heaven has been delightful and all -- but I really think I belong in Hell with my friends." 
 
So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down, all the way to Hell. The doors of the elevator open and he is in the middle of a barren scorched earth covered with garbage and toxic industrial waste. kind of like SUDBURY. He is horrified to see all of his friends, dressed in rags and chained together, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags. They are groaning and moaning in pain, faces and hands black with grime. 
 
The Devil comes over to Chretien and puts an arm around his shoulder. 
 
"I don't understand," stammers a shocked Chretien, "Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and a clubhouse and we ate lobster and caviar and drank booze. We screwed around and had a great time. Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage and everybody looks miserable!" 
 
The Devil looks at him, smiles slyly, and purrs, 

"Yesterday we were campaigning; today you voted for us!"
===================


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## Lawrence (Mar 11, 2003)

Dave


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## The Doug (Jun 14, 2003)




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## Moscool (Jun 8, 2003)

Another one from the PC corner:

A few minutes before the services began, the townspeople were sitting in their pews and talking. Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church. 

Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, 
trampling each  other in a frantic effort to get away from the evil incarnate. 

Soon everyone exited the church except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew without moving, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence. 

So Satan walked up to the old man and said, "Don't you know who I am?" 

The man replied, "Yep, sure do." 

"Aren't you afraid of me?" Satan asked. 

"Nope, sure ain't." said the man. 

"Don't you realize I can kill you with a word?" asked Satan. 

"Don't doubt it for a minute," returned the old man, in an even tone. 

"Did you know that I could cause you profound, horrifying, physical AGONY for all eternity?" persisted Satan. 

"Yep," was the calm reply. 

"And you're still not afraid?" asked Satan. 

"Nope." 

More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, "Well, why aren't you 
afraid of  me?" 

The man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for over 48 
years.


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## The Doug (Jun 14, 2003)

Two priests died at the same time and met Saint Peter at the pearly gates.

"Our computer's down," said Saint Peter. "You'll have to go back for a week, but you can't go back as priests. What"ll it be?"

The first priest said, "I've always wanted to be an eagle, soaring above the Rocky Mountains."

"So be it," said Saint Peter, and off flew the first priest.

The second priest thought for a moment and asked, "Will any of this week count?"

"No," said Saint Peter.

"Well, the priest said, "I've always wanted to be a stud."

"So be it," said Saint Peter.

A week later, the computer was fixed and the Lord told Saint Peter to recall the two priests.

"Will you have any trouble locating them?" He asked.

"The first one should be easy," said Saint Peter. "He's somewhere over the Rockies, flying with the eagles. But the second one could prove more difficult."

"Why?" asked the Lord.

"He's on a snow tire somewhere in northern Ontario," said Saint Peter.


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## The Doug (Jun 14, 2003)

Fat-Kins Diet. 

I found this really funny - but if you don't want to hear the F-word every 2.5 seconds, stay away.


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## Moscool (Jun 8, 2003)

Very funny Doug. Shame the voice can't be a bit clearer.


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## SINC (Feb 16, 2001)

Apparently this guy dropped his pen into the office printer and couldn't get it out. To be sure no one used it, he scrawled this sign:










Ya gotta love it when that happens!

Cheers


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## kps (May 4, 2003)

Her Diary and His Diary:

HER DIARY...

Sunday night I thought he was acting weird. We had made plans to meet 
at a bar to have a drink. I was shopping with my friends a ll day long, 
so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he
made no comment. Conversation wasn't flowing so I suggested that we go
somewhere quiet so we could talk, he agreed but he kept quiet and 
aloof. I asked him what was wrong - he said, "Nothing." I asked him if 
it was my fault that he was upset. He said it had nothing to do with me
and not to worry. On the way home I told him that I loved him, he 
simply smiled and kept driving. I can't explain his behavior; I don't 
know why he didn't say, "I love you, too." When we got home I felt as 
if I had lost him, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He 
just sat there and watched TV; he seemed distant and vacant. Finally I
decided to go to bed. About 10 minutes later he came to bed and to my
surprise he responded to my caress and we made love, but I still felt 
that his thoughts were somewhere else. I decided that I could not take 
it anymore, so I decided to confront him with the situation but he had
fallen asleep. I started crying and cried until I also fell asleep. I
don't know what to do. I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with
someone else. My life is a disaster.


HIS DIARY...

Today the Leafs lost, but at least I got laid.


----------



## SINC (Feb 16, 2001)

A housewife takes a lover during the day, while her husband is at work. 

Unbeknownst to her, her 9 year old son was hiding in the closet. Her husband came home unexpectedly, so she hid her lover in the closet. The boy now has company. 

Boy: "Dark in here."
Man: "Yes it is."
Boy: "I have a baseball."
Man: "That's nice."
Boy: "Want to buy it?"
Man: "No, thanks."
Boy: My dad's outside."
Man: "OK, how much?"
Boy: "$250." 

In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the mom's lover are in the closet together. 

Boy: "Dark in here."
Man: "Yes, it is."
Boy: "I have a baseball glove."
Man: "How much?"
Boy: "$750."
Man: "Fine." 

A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your glove. Let's go outside and toss the baseball." 

The boy says, "I can't ! I sold them." 

The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?" 

The son says,"$1,000." 

The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that. That is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess." 

They go to church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and closes the door. 

The boy says, "Dark in here." 

The priest says, "Don't start that again." 

Cheers


----------



## Dennis the Menace (May 10, 2004)

There once was a woman who was telling her friend that she'd been married three times but was still a virgin. Her friend asked how this was possible.

"The first time I married a soldier but he was called to duty right after the ceremony and he never returned home."

"What about the second time?" asked her friend.

"The second time I married an older man but he passed away before we could consumate our marriage."

"And the third time?"

"The third man I married was a Microsoft engineer. And he just sat on the side of the bed and told me how great it was going to be."


----------



## Loafer (Jan 7, 2004)

What goes clip-clop, clip-clop, BANG!
clipperty-clop, clipperty-clop?

An Amish drive-by shooting.


----------



## BigDL (Apr 16, 2003)

When I have "relations with my wife" we do it what I like to call "doggie style."

Doggie style is when I sit up and beg in bed and she rolls over and plays dead.


----------



## MaxPower (Jan 30, 2003)

A physician claims these are actual comments from his patients made while he was performing colonoscopies:

01. "Take it easy, Doc, you're boldly going where no man has gone before."

02. "Find Amelia Earhart yet?"

03. "Can you hear me NOW?"

04. "Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?"

05. "You know, in Arkansas, we're now legally married."

06. "Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?"

07. "You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out. You do the Hokey Pokey...."

08. "Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!"

09. "If your hand doesn't fit, you must acquit!"

10. "Hey, Doc, let me know if you find my dignity."

11. "Could you write me a note for my wife, saying that my head is not, in fact, up there?"


----------



## Strongblade (Jul 9, 2001)

These are actual excuse notes from parents (including original spelling)

Please excuse Jennifer for missing school yesterday. We forgot to get the Sunday paper off the porch, and when we found it on Monday, we thought it was Sunday.

My son is under a doctors care and should not take P.E. today. Please execute him.

Please excuse Lisa for being absent. She was sick and I had her shot.

Dear School: Please ekscuse John being absent on Jan 28,29,30,31,32 and also 33.

Excuse Roland from P.E. for a few days. Yesterday he fell out of Tree and misplaced his hip.

John has been absent because he had two teeth taken out of his face.

Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football. He was hurt in the growing part.

Megan could not come to school today because she has been bothered by very close veins.

Chris will not be in school cus he has an acre in his side.

Please excuse Ray Friday from school. He has very loose vowels.

Please excuse Pedro from being absent yesterday. He had (diahre) (dyrea) (direathe) the ****s. Words in the ( ) had been crossed out.

Please excuse Jason for being absent yesterday. He had diarrhea and his boots leak.

I kept Billie home because she had to go Christmas shopping because I don’t know what size she wear.

Please excuse Jason for being absent yesterday. He had a cold and could not breed well.

Please excuse Mary for being absent Yesterday. She was in bed with gramps.

Please excuse Burma, she has been sick and under the doctor.

Maryann was absent December 11-16, because she had a fever, sore throat, headache and upset stomach. Her sister was also sick,fever and ached all over. I wasn’t the best either, sore throat and fever. There must be something going around, her father even got hot last night.


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## Dr.G. (Aug 4, 2001)

Strongblade, the fun part is being a teacher who receives such a note. When I taught grade 6 in Waycross, Georgia, most of my students were from families in which neither parent could read or write. Notes like this were dictated, so they were in the handwriting of the child. Still, these were honest but poor kids, and I trusted them.


----------



## SINC (Feb 16, 2001)

The first mate on a ship decided to celebrate an occasion with a little stowed away rum. Unfortunately, he got drunk and was still drunk the next morning. The captain saw him drunk, and when the first mate was sober, showed him the following entry in the ship's log, "The first mate was drunk today." "Captain," the mate said, "please don't let that stay in the log. This could add months or years to my becoming a captain myself." "Is it true?" asked the captain, already knowing the answer. "Yes, it's true" the mate said. "Then if it is true it has to go in the log. That's the rule. If it's true, it goes into the log, end of discussion," said the captain, sternly. Weeks later, it was the first mate's turn to make the log entries. The first mate wrote, "The ship seems in good shape. The captain was sober today."

Cheers


----------



## Strongblade (Jul 9, 2001)

Actually, i found it funny from the perspecitve of the typos and such, Dr. G. I realize these people may just not have proper spelling/grammar knowledge, but the end results are unny.

Thankfully, none of the notes were taken literally, "Please excuse Lisa for being absent. She was sick and I had her shot." doesn't mean they believed the child was shot, but had been taken to the doctors and given a flu shot. 

However, the context the error implies is funny.


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## SINC (Feb 16, 2001)

Speaking of funny, I could hardly contain myself when I came across this while searching for a new safe for the office:

http://www.shomertec.com/item.cfm?Action=Index&variable=1164

Cheers


----------



## Lawrence (Mar 11, 2003)

Political Humour:

I was traveling between Toronto and Ajax the other day
when a tire blew out. Checking my spare, I found that it too
was flat. My only option was to flag down a passing
motorist and get a ride to the next town. The first vehicle
to stop was an old man in a van. 

He yelled out the window, "Need a lift?" 

"Yes, I sure do," I replied. 

"You a Liberal or Conservative," asked the old man. 

"Conservative," I replied. "Well, you can just go to hell,"
yelled the old man as he sped off. 

Another guy stopped, rolled down the window, and asked
me the same question. Again, I gave the same answer,
"Conservative." 

The driver gave me the finger and drove off. I thought it
over and decided that maybe I should change my strategy,
since this area seemed to be overly political and there
appeared to be few Conservatives. The next car to stop was
a red convertible driven by a beautiful woman. She smiled
seductively and asked if I was a Liberal or Conservative. 

"Liberal" I shouted. 

"Hop in!" replied the blonde. 

Driving down the road, I couldn't help but stare at the
gorgeous woman in the seat next to me. The wind was
blowing through her hair, she had perfect breasts and a
short skirt that continued to ride higher and higher up her
thighs. Finally, I yelled,"Please stop the car." She
immediately slammed on the brakes. As soon as the car
stopped, I jumped out. 

"What's the matter?" she asked. 

"I can't take it anymore," I replied. "I've only been a Liberal
for five minutes and already I want to screw somebody". 

Dave


----------



## Lawrence (Mar 11, 2003)

Starving Canadian dot com

Dave


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## Lawrence (Mar 11, 2003)

Canadian Cows are Mad as Hell... 

Dave


----------



## The Doug (Jun 14, 2003)

1. How do you catch a unique rabbit? Unique up on it!

2. How do you catch a tame rabbit? Tame way, unique up on it.

3. How do crazy people go through the forest? They take the psycho path.

4. How do you get holy water? You boil the hell out of it.

5. What do fish say when they hit a concrete wall? Dam!

6. What to Eskimos get from sitting on the ice too long? Polaroids!

7. What do you call a boomerang that doesn’t work? A Stick.

8. What do you call cheese that isn’t yours? Nacho cheese.

9. What do you call Santa’s little helpers? Subordinate Clauses.

10. What do you call four bullfighters on quicksand? Quattro sinko.

11. What do you get from a pampered cow? Spoiled milk.

12. What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire? Frostbite.

13. What lies at the bottom of the ocean twitching? A nervous wreck.

14. What’s the difference between roast beef and pea soup? Anyone can roast beef.

15. Where do you find a dog with no legs? Right where you left him.

16. Why do gorillas have big nostrils? Because they’ve got big fingers.

17. Why don’t blind people like to skydive? Because it scares the dog.

18. What kind of coffee was served on the Titanic? Sanka.

19. What’s the difference between a Harley and a Hoover? The location of the dirt bag.

20. Why did pilgrims’ pants always fall down? Because they wore their buckle on their hat.

21. What’s the difference between a bad golfer and a bad skydiver? A bad golfer goes, whack, dang! A bad skydiver goes dang! Whack!

22. How are a Texas tornado and a Tennessee divorce the same? Somebody's gonna lose a trailer.


----------



## SINC (Feb 16, 2001)

This lady who was living in New York City had to get back to her old country but she was broke.

One day she wandered down to the docks and spotted a worker getting ready to load supplies onto a boat. "Please I need to get back to England" she pleaded. "If you sneak me onboard tonight I'll give you favors all the way across the ocean."

Well needless to say later that night he put her in a duffel bag and carried her onboard. Down in the hold where she was hidden he said, "When I bring you some food, twice a day, I'll collect." And being true to her word she agreed.

This went on for about a week when by accident the captain found her.

"Please don't get angry," she started to say and explained the story to the captain who busted up laughing.

"Why are you laughing?" she demanded.

He said, "Because you're on the Statten Island Ferry."

Cheers


----------



## The Doug (Jun 14, 2003)

*20 Words That Should Exist*

ACCORDIONATED (ah kor' de on ay tid) adj. 
Being able to drive and refold a road map at the same time. 

AQUADEXTROUS (ak wa deks' trus) adj. 
Possessing the ability to turn the bathtub faucet on and off with your toes. 

AQUALIBRIUM (ak wa lib' re um) n. 
The point where the stream of drinking fountain water is at its perfect height, thus relieving the drinker from (a) having to suck the nozzle, or (b) squirting himself in the eye (or ear). 

BURGACIDE (burg' uh side) n. 
When a hamburger can't take any more torture and hurls itself through the grill into the coals. 

BUZZACKS (buz' aks) n. 
People in phone marts who walk around picking up display phones and listening for dial tones even when they know the phones are not connected. 

CARPERPETUATION (kar' pur pet u a shun) n. 
The act, when vacuuming, of running over a string or a piece of lint at least a dozen times, reaching over and picking it up, examining it, then putting it back down to give the vacuum one more chance. 

DIMP (dimp) n. 
A person who insults you in a cheap department store by asking, "Do you work here?" 

DISCONFECT (dis kon fekt') v. 
To sterilize the piece of candy you dropped on the floor by blowing on it, somehow assuming this will 'remove' all the germs. 

ECNALUBMA (ek na lub' ma) n. 
A rescue vehicle which can only be seen in the rearview mirror. 

EIFFELITES (eye' ful eyetz) n. 
Gangly people sitting in front of you at the movies who, no matter what direction you lean in, follow suit. 

ELBONICS (el bon' iks) n. 
The actions of two people maneuvering for one armrest in a movie theater (or on an airplane!). 

ELECELLERATION (el a cel er ay' shun) n. 
The mistaken notion that the more you press an elevator button the faster it will arrive. 

FRUST (frust) n. 
The small line of debris that refuses to be swept onto the dust pan and keeps backing a person across the room until he finally decides to give up and sweep it under the rug. 

LACTOMANGULATION (lak' to man gyu lay' shun) n. 
Manhandling the "open here" spout on a milk container so badly that one has to resort to the `illegal' side. 

NEONPHANCY (ne on' fan see) n. 
A fluorescent light bulb struggling to come to life. 

PEPPIER (pehp ee ay') n. 
The waiter at a fancy restaurant whose sole purpose seems to be walking around asking diners if they want ground pepper. 

PETROPHOBIC (pet ro fob' ik) adj. 
One who is embarrassed to undress in front of a household pet. 

PHONESIA (fo nee' zhuh) n. 
The affliction of dialing a phone number and forgetting whom you were calling just as they answer. 

PUPKUS (pup' kus) n. 
The moist residue left on a window after a dog presses its nose to it. 

TELECRASTINATION (tel e kras tin ay' shun) n. 
The act of always letting the phone ring at least twice before you pick it up, even when you're only six inches away.


----------



## LGBaker (Apr 15, 2002)

Doug - 20


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## Moscool (Jun 8, 2003)

As the President is getting off the helicopter in front of the White House, he has a baby pig under each arm.

The Marine guard snaps to attention, salutes, and says: "Nice pigs, sir!"

The President replies: "These are not pigs, these are authentic Texan Razorback Hogs. I got one for VP Cheney, and I got one for Defense Secretary Rumsfeld."

The Marine again snaps to attention, salutes, and replies, "Nice trade


----------



## The Doug (Jun 14, 2003)

*The Stock Market Explained*

Bull Market: A random market movement causing investors to mistake themselves for financial geniuses. 

Bear Market: A 6 to 18-month period when the kids get no allowance, the spouse gets no gifts. 

Momentum Investing: The fine art of buying high and selling low. 

Value Investing: The fine art of buying low and selling lower. 

P/E ratio: The percentage of investors wetting their pants as the market keeps crashing. 

Broker: Poorer than you were last year. 

"Buy, Buy": A flight attendant making market recommendations as you step off the plane. 

Stock Analyst: Idiot who just downgraded your stock. 

Stock split: When your ex-spouse and the lawyer split all your assets equally between themselves. 

Financial Planner: Someone who actually remembers their wallet when running to the store for toilet paper and soda pop. 

Market Correction: The day after you buy stocks. 

Cash Flow: The movement your money makes as it disappears down the toilet. 

Call Option: Something people used to do with a telephone in ancient times before e-mail. 

Day Trader: Someone who is disloyal from 9 to 5 every day. 

Cisco: Sidekick of Pancho. 

Yahoo: What you yell after selling it to some poor sucker for $240 per share. 

Windows 2000: What you jump out of when you're the sucker that bought Yahoo for $240 per share.

Institutional Investor: Past year investor who's now locked up in a nut house.


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## The Doug (Jun 14, 2003)




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## Macified (Sep 18, 2003)

The last two times I told jokes they were absolute failures. I told a joke about George Pappard and two days later he died. I told a joke about Michael Jackson and he ends up getting arrested.

So Celine Dion walks into a bar....


----------



## The Doug (Jun 14, 2003)

A cop pulls over a car load of nuns. He walks up to the car and says, "Sister, this is a 65 MPH highway -- why are you going so slow?"

The sister replies, "Sir, I saw a lot of signs that said 22, not 65."

"Oh sister, that's not the speed limit," said the cop. "That's the number of the highway you're on!"

"Oh! Silly me!" said the nun. "Thanks for letting me know. I'll be more careful."

At this point the cop looks in the backseat where the other nuns are shaking and trembling.

"Excuse me, Sister," said the cop. "What's wrong with your friends back there? They're shaking something terrible."

The nun took a look at the other sisters and said, "Oh, we just got off of highway 119."


----------



## MaxPower (Jan 30, 2003)

On their honeymoon the new husband said to his bride, "I have a confession that I should have made before, but I was concerned that it might affect our relationship."

"What is it?" she asked. "I'm a golfer," he said. "What's the big deal about that?" she asked.

He replied, "When I say I'm a golfer, I mean that I'll be on the golf course Saturday, Sunday, Wednesday afternoon and any holidays. If it comes to a choice between your wishes and golf-- golf wins."

She pondered a moment and said, "I thank you for your honesty. In the same spirit of honesty, I should tell you that I've concealed something about my own past that you should know about. I'm a hooker."

"No problem," was his response, "just narrow your stance a little and overlap your grip, swing through the ball and that should clear it right up."


----------



## kps (May 4, 2003)

The Top 14 Signs Your SUV Is Too Damn Big
*********************************
Your kids refer to riding the bus to school as "downsizing." 

Before go you out, you have to file for a parade permit. 

You're the first one in your neighborhood to own a 2004 Halliburton-Savior S-Class. 

It has its own gravitational field and has drawn a Geo Metro into its orbit. 

There are two successful Starbucks franchises located in the back seat. 

It doubles as a carport for your Taurus. 

It's great for soccer moms, since the back seat folds down into an entire field, complete with goals. 

You need a Sherpa and an oxygen tank to reach the driver's seat. 

Your buddy riding shotgun is in a different time zone. 

Mortgage payment = $2200. Texaco card payment = $2201. 

When you pull up to the pharmacy window, they already have the package of extra small condoms bagged and ready to go. 

You get a letter from Hans Blix demanding that it be dismantled immediately. 

Due to new military intel that has narrowed the search down to the inside of your vehicle, President Bush remains confident that Osama Bin Laden will someday be found. 

and the Number 1 Sign Your SUV Is Too Damn Big... 

The fuel gauge doubles as a fan.


----------



## Moscool (Jun 8, 2003)

The Lone Ranger was ambushed and captured by an enemy Indian war party.

The Indian Chief proclaims, "So, you are the great Lone Ranger. In honour of the Buffalo Festival, you will be executed in three days. But, before I kill you, I will grant you three requests. What is your first request?"

The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my horse." The Chief nods and Silver is brought before the Lone Ranger, who whispers in Silver's ear, and the horse gallops away.

Later that evening, Silver returns with a beautiful blonde woman on his back. As the Indian Chief watches, the blonde enters the Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night. The next morning the Indian Chief admits he's impressed. "You have a very fine and loyal horse, but I will still kill you in two days. What is your second request?"

The Lone Ranger again asks to speak to his horse. Silver is brought to him, and he again whispers in the horse's ear. As before, Silver takes off across the plains and disappears over the horizon. Later that evening, to the Chief's surprise, Silver again returns, this time with a voluptuous brunette, even more attractive than the blonde. She enters the Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night.

The following morning the Indian Chief is again impressed. "You are indeed a man of many talents, but I will still kill you tomorrow. "What is your last request?" The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my horse... alone."

The Chief is curious, but he agrees, and Silver is brought to the Lone Ranger's tent. Once they're alone, the Lone Ranger grabs Silver by both ears, looks him square in the eye and says, "Listen very carefully for the last time...

 
 
 


I said, "Bring POSSE !!!"


----------



## BigDL (Apr 16, 2003)

Q.	What do you have if you have five female pigs and five male deer?

A.	Why you would have five sows and bucks.


----------



## The Doug (Jun 14, 2003)




----------



## The Doug (Jun 14, 2003)

Received these by e-mail today - they were apparently scanned from a student's exam somewhere...


----------



## dibenga (Oct 30, 2001)

An man was being tailgated by a woman on a busy Boulevard.  Suddenly, the light turned yellow, just in front of him. He did the right thing, stopping at the crosswalk, even though he could
have beaten the red light by accelerating through the
intersection.

The tailgating woman hit the roof, and the horn, screaming in frustration as she missed her chance to get through the intersection with him. As she was still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and looked up into the face of a very serious police officer.


The officer ordered her to exit her car with her hands up. He took her to the police station where she was searched, fingerprinted, photographed, and placed in a cell.


After a couple of hours, a policeman approached the cell and opened the door.  She was escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting officer was waiting with her personal effects.

He said, "I'm very sorry for this mistake. You see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping the guy off in front of you, and cussing a blue streak at him. I noticed the 'Choose Life' license plate holder, the 'What Would Jesus Do' bumper sticker, the 'Follow Me to Sunday School' bumper sticker, and the chrome- plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk. . . .
Naturally, I assumed you had stolen the car."


----------



## Strongblade (Jul 9, 2001)

Heh


----------



## Moscool (Jun 8, 2003)

Variation on a well known theme, but a good version of it nonetheless... Here we go:


I never quite figured out why the sexual urges of men and women differ   so much. And I never figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I have never figured out why men think with their head and women think with their heart I have never figured out why the sexual desire gene gets  thrown into a state of turmoil, when it hears the words "I do"

FOR EXAMPLE:

One evening last week, my wife and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me." I said "WHAT???!!! What was that?!"  So she says the words that every husband on the planet dreads to hear...

"You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man."  She responded to my puzzled look by saying, "Can't you  just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?"

Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night I went to sleep.

The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take so I told her we'll just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to complement her new clothes, so I said lets get a pair for each outfit.   

We went to the jewellery department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you, she was so excited, she must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation she finally said, "I think this is all dear, lets go to the cashier." 

I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No honey, I don't feel like it."

Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled "WHAT??!!!" I then said "Really honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman."

And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me I added,  Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?" 

Apparently I won't be having sex again until sometime after pigs fly over a frozen hell.


----------



## Strongblade (Jul 9, 2001)

Two Muffins are sitting in an oven. One muffin says to the other, "Holy sh*t it's hot in here." The other muffin replys with, "Holy sh*t, a talking muffin."


----------



## SINC (Feb 16, 2001)

Two bears were sitting at the side of the road. The smaller one turned to the bigger one and said, "I can't understand how you can be so much bigger than me. We're the same age, we were the same size as kids...I just don't get it." 

"Well," said the big bear, "What you been eating?" 

"Liberals, same as you," replied the small bear. 

"Hmm. Well, where do you catch them?" 

"Down on the other side of the forest near the parking lot of the courthouse." 

"Same here. Hmm. How do you catch them?" 

"Well, I crawl up under one of their Lexuses and wait for someone to unlock the door. Then I jump out, grab them on the leg, shake the crap out of them, and eat them."

"Ah," says the big bear, "I think I see your problem. You aren't getting any real nourishment. You see, by the time you get done shaking the crap out of a Liberal, there's nothing left but lips, lies and a briefcase." 

Cheers


----------



## Strongblade (Jul 9, 2001)

MUST... SAY... SOMETHING... FUNNY...

MUST... KEEP... THREAD... ALIVE!

[THUD]

Damn, that was exhausting...


----------



## The Doug (Jun 14, 2003)

There once was a very old man, a soothsayer some might say, who walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of callouses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his bad diet, he suffered from horrible breath. This made him what?

A super calloused fragile mystic plagued with halitosis.


----------



## The Doug (Jun 14, 2003)

Grandpa and Grandma were sitting a the breakfast table as usual. Grandma gets up suddenly, rolls up her newspaper and proceeds to slap Grandpa upside the head. He says, "What was that for?"

Grandma says, "That's for 40 years of bad sex."

Grandpa sits there muttering, rolls up his newspaper, and goes over and slaps Grandma upside the head.

She says, "Now what's that for?"

He says, "That's for knowing the difference."


----------



## SINC (Feb 16, 2001)

Doug, that reminded me of one I heard about Grandparents:

A young man came to visit his grandparents. He noticed his grandfather sitting in the rocking chair on the porch, wearing only a shirt, with nothing on from the waist down.

"Grandpa, what are you doing?  Your weenie is out in the wind for everyone to see!" he exclaimed.

The old man looked off in the distance without answering.

"Grandpa! What are you doing sitting out here with nothing on below the waist?" he asked again.

The old man slowly looked at him and said, "Well, last week I sat out here with no shirt on, and I got a stiff neck. This is your grandma's idea..." 

Cheers


----------



## The Doug (Jun 14, 2003)

When the driver of a huge trailer lost control of his rig, he plowed into an empty tollbooth and smashed it to pieces. He climbed down from the wreckage and within a matter of minutes, a truck pulled up and discharged a crew of workers.

The men picked up each broken piece of the former tollbooth and spread some kind of creamy substance on it. Then they began fitting the pieces together. In less than a half hour, they had the entire tollbooth reconstructed and looking good as new.

"Astonishing!" the truck driver said to the crew chief. "What was the white stuff you used to get all the pieces together?"

The crew chief said, "Oh, that was tollgate booth paste."


----------



## The Doug (Jun 14, 2003)

busload of politicians were driving down a country road when, all of a sudden, the bus ran off the road and crashed into a tree in an old farmer's field.

The old farmer, after seeing what happened, went over to investigate. He then proceeded to dig a hole and bury the politicians. A few days later, the local sheriff came out, saw the crashed bus and asked the old farmer where all the politicians had gone.

The old farmer said he had buried them.

The sheriff asked the old farmer, "Were they ALL dead?"

The old farmer replied, "Well, some of them said they weren't, but you know how them politicians lie."


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## Strongblade (Jul 9, 2001)

Back fromt he dead, it's the Joke Du Jour!

=============
One night George W. Bush is tossing restlessly in his White House bed. He awakens to see George Washington standing beside him.


Bush looks up and asks, "George, what's the best thing I can do to help the country?" 


"Set an honest and honorable example, just as I did," Washington advises, then fades away.


The next night, Bush is astir again when he sees the ghost of Thomas Jefferson moving silently around the bedroom.  Bush calls out:   "Tom, please! What is the best thing I could do to help the country?"


"Respect the Constitution, as I did,"   Jefferson advises, and then dims from sight.


The third night sleep still evades Bush.  He sees the ghost of FDR hovering over his bed. Bush lowers his voice and asks, "Franklin, What is the best thing I could do to help the country?"


In that golden voice of his, FDR replies,   "Help the less fortunate, just as I did,"   and then he disappears.


Bush still isn't sleeping well the fourth night. He tosses and turns, and suddenly another figure moves out of the shadows. It's the ghost of Abraham Lincoln.


"Abe,"   Bush pleads,   "what's the best thing I can do right now to help the country?"


Lincoln pauses, then replies.


"Go see a play."
=============


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## The Doug (Jun 14, 2003)

Thanks to all my friends who sent me such important emails in the past year! It's so wonderful that they included me in their quest to inform!

Because of them:

- I stopped drinking Coca-Cola after I found out that it's good for removing toilet stains.

- I stopped going to the movies for fear of sitting on a needle infected with AIDS.

- I smell awful, but thank goodness I stopped using deodorant because they cause cancer.

- I don't leave my car in any parking lot even though I sometimes have to walk about seven blocks, for fear that someone might drug me with a perfume sample and then try to rob me.

- I also stopped answering the phone for fear that they will ask me to dial a stupid number and then I get a phone bill from hell with calls to Uganda, Singapore and Tokyo.

- I also stopped eating chicken and hamburgers because they are nothing more than horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers that are bred in a lab so that places like McDonalds can sell their Big Macs.

- I also stopped drinking anything out of a can for fear that I will get sick from the rat feces and urine.

- When I go to parties, I now don't mix with anybody, for fear that someone will take my kidneys and leave me taking a nap in a bathtub full of ice.

- I donated all my savings to the Amy Bruce account. That poor sick girl that was about to die in the hospital. Funny thing, she never seems to get any older .

- I went bankrupt from bounced checks that I made, expecting the $15,000 that Microsoft and AOL were supposed to send me when I participated in their special e-mail program.

- It's weird, though, that my new free cell phone never arrived, and neither did the passes for my paid vacation to Disneyland.

- But I am positive that all this is because of the chain I broke or forgot to follow and I got a curse from hell.

*IMPORTANT NOTE*:

If you don't send this e-mail to at least 750 people in the next ten seconds, a bird will crap on you today at 7:00 PM.


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## SINC (Feb 16, 2001)

She married and had 7 children, and then her husband died. 

She remarried and had 5 more. Again, her husband died. 

She married for the third time and had 3 more children. 

Alas, she finally died leaving behind her 15 children. 

Standing before her coffin, the preacher prayed to the Lord above and thanked Him for this loving woman who fulfilled his commandment to 'Go forth and multiply'. 

In his eulogy the preacher said, 'Lord, they are finally together'. 

Leaning over to a neighbor, one mourner quietly asked 'Do you think he means her first, second or third husband?' 

The neighbor replied, 'I think he means her legs'. 

Cheers


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## The Doug (Jun 14, 2003)

The Donkey And The Farmer

One day a farmer's donkey fell down into a well. The animal cried loudly for hours as the farmer tried to figure out what to do.

Finally, he decided the animal was old and the well needed to be covered up anyway. It just wasn't worth it, to retrieve the donkey. So he invited all his neighbors to come over and help him. They all grabbed a shovel and began to shovel dirt into the well. At first, the donkey realized what was happening and bellowed horribly. Then, to everyone's amazement he quieted down. 

A few shovel loads later, the farmer finally looked down the well. He was astonished at what he saw. With each shovel of dirt that hit his back, the donkey was doing something amazing. He would shake it off and take a step up. As the farmer's neighbors continued to shovel dirt on top of the animal, he would shake it off and take a step up.

Pretty soon, everyone was amazed as the donkey stepped up over the edge of the well and happily trotted off.

Life is going to shovel dirt on you, all kinds of dirt. The trick to getting out of the well is to shake it off and take a step up. Each of our troubles is a stepping-stone. We can get out of the deepest wells just by not stopping, never giving up. Shake it off and take a step up.

Remember the five simple rules to be happy:
1. Free your heart from hatred - forgive
2. Free your mind from worries - most never happen.
3. Live simply and appreciate what you have.
4. Give more.
5. Expect less.

NOW -------- Enough of that crap.

The donkey later came back and bit the **** out of the farmer who had tried to bury him. The gash from the bite got infected and the farmer eventually died in agony from septic shock.

MORAL:

When you do something wrong and try to cover your ass, it always comes back to bite you.


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## used to be jwoodget (Aug 22, 2002)

SINC,

That joke was recounted a couple of weeks ago by Robert X. Cringely as told to him by the late Ronald Reagan. It's how you tell em, as they say.


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## SINC (Feb 16, 2001)

During the final week of the Canadian federal election campaign, the Pope makes an unexpected visit to Canada.

As he did on his last visit, he stays at the island in Lake Simcoe he liked so much on the earlier trip here. He decides to arrange to take the Prime Minister out for an afternoon on the Lake in a yacht, and because the outcome of the election is unclear, invites Stephen Harper as well. The three men and their attendants are admiring the sights when, all of a sudden, the Pope's hat blows off his head and out into the water.

Martin orders one of his RCMP bodyguards to jump in and retrieve the hat, but Harper waves him aside , saying "Wait, wait. I'll take care of this. Don't worry."

Harper then steps off the yacht onto the surface of the water and walks out to the Holy father's little hat, bends over and picks it up, then walks back across the water to the yacht and climbs aboard. He hands the hat to the Pope amid stunned silence.

The next morning the topic of conversation among Liberals in Ottawa, the CBC, and left-wing newspapers like the Toronto Star is.............

"HARPER CAN'T SWIM!"

Cheers


----------



## The Doug (Jun 14, 2003)

A couple hosted a dinner party for people from work and everyone was encouraged to bring their children.

All during the sit-down dinner, one co-worker's three-year-old girl stared at the man sitting across from her. The girl hardly even touched her supper, she was staring so hard.

The man checked his tie, felt his face for food, patted his hair in place, but nothing stopped her from staring at him. He tried his best to just ignore her but finally it was too much for him. He asked her, "Why are you staring at me?"

Everyone at the table had noticed her behaviour, and the table went quiet for her response.

The little girl said, "I just want to see how you drink like a fish!"


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## iGeeK (Jan 27, 2003)

SINC wrote:

* {...}
Harper then steps off the yacht onto the surface of the water and walks out to the Holy father's little hat {...)

The next morning the topic of conversation among Liberals in Ottawa, the CBC, and left-wing newspapers like the Toronto Star is.............

"HARPER CAN'T SWIM!"*

What's funny here is that this joke would only be amusing to anyone who believes that Harper is a saviour figure.

Glug, glug, glug...

iG/<


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## iGeeK (Jan 27, 2003)

There’s an old joke about the Bloc. Duceppe tells Chrétien, “Let me explain ‘special sovereignty’ to you. We still want to use Canadian currency and have access to federal social programs, but, damnit, you people in Ottawa can’t tell us what to do.” Chrétien, replies, “Gilles, dat’s not sovereignty, dat’s Alberta!”

iG/<


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## SINC (Feb 16, 2001)

> There’s an old joke about the Bloc. Duceppe tells Chrétien, “Let me explain ‘special sovereignty’ to you. We still want to use Canadian currency and have access to federal social programs, but, damnit, you people in Ottawa can’t tell us what to do.” Chrétien, replies, “Gilles, dat’s not sovereignty, dat’s Alberta!”


When will eastern [email protected]#$$%%^s get over the darn election and lighten up?

IT WAS A JOKE!

Cheers


----------



## iGeeK (Jan 27, 2003)

Every nation in attendance at an international symposium on elephants had to deliver a report on the animals. 

France's report: "The Love Life of an Elephant." 

America saw the economic values in: "Raising Elephants for Fun and Profit." 

Great Britain had their own unique view: "The Elephant and the British Empire." 

The Canadian report was, of course, typically Canadian... "The Elephant: A Federal or Provincial Responsibility?" 

---

Happy Canada Day, eh?

iG/<


----------



## gwillikers (Jun 19, 2003)

Long joke, but worth the effort...








=======================

While vacationing on Chuck Guite's ranch, Paul Martin gets thrown from his horse, lands on a rattlesnake, gets bitten in the ass and dies because the emergency room at the nearest hospital is too understaffed to treat him in time.

So his soul arrives in heaven and he is met by St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.

"Welcome to Heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a Liberal around these parts, so we're not sure what to do with you."

"No problem, just let me in; I'm a believer." says Martin

"I'd like to just let you in, but I have orders from the Man Himself.  He says you have to spend one day in Hell and one day in Heaven. Then you must choose where you'll live for eternity."

"But, I've already made up my mind, I want to be in Heaven," replied Martin.  "I'm sorry, but we have our rules." And with that, St. Peter escorts him to an elevator and he goes down, down, down, all the way to Hell.

The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a lush golf course; the sun is shining in a cloudless sky, the temperature a perfect 72 degrees.  In the distance is a beautiful clubhouse.

Standing in front of it is his dad, and thousands of other Liberals who had helped him out over the years. Pierre Trudeau, Jean Marchand,  Pelletier, St Laurent, etc. The whole of the "Left" was there, everyone laughing, happy and casually but expensively dressed.

They run to greet him, hug him, and reminisce about the good times they had getting rich at expense of the "suckers and peasants."  They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster and caviar.

The Devil himself comes up to Martin with a frosty drink, "Have a Margarita and relax, Paul!"

"Uh, I can't drink any more, I took the pledge," says Martin, dejectedly.

"This is Hell, son. You can drink and eat all you want and not worry, and it just gets better from there!"

Martin takes a drink and finds himself liking the Devil, who he thinks is a really very friendly guy who tells funny jokes like himself, and pulls hilarious nasty pranks,  kind of like they pulled on the voters with the GST, Quebec scandals and Free Trade promises.

They are having such a great time that, before he realizes it, it's time to go. Everyone gives him a big hug and waves as Martin steps on the elevator and heads upward.

When the elevator door reopens, he is in Heaven again and St. Peter is waiting for him.

"Now it's time to visit Heaven," the old man says, opening the gate.

So for 24 hours Martin is made to hang out with a bunch of honest, good-natured people who enjoy each other's company, talk about things other than money, and treat each other decently.

Not a nasty prank or frat boy joke among them; no fancy country clubs and, while the food tastes great, it's not caviar or lobster.  And these people are all poor, he doesn't see anybody he knows, and he isn't even treated like someone special!

Worst of all, to Martin, Jesus turns out to be some kind of Jewish hippie with his endless 'peace' and 'do unto others' jive. "Whoa," he says uncomfortably to himself. "Pierre Trudeau never prepared me for this!"

The day done, St. Peter returns and says, "Well, you've spent a day in Hell and a day in Heaven. Now choose where you want to live for eternity."

With the 'Jeopardy' theme playing softly in the background, Martin reflects for a minute, then answers: "Well, I would never have thought I'd say this -- I mean, Heaven has been delightful and all -- but I really think I belong in Hell with my friends."

So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down, all the way to Hell. The doors of the elevator open and he is in the middle of barren scorched earth covered with garbage and toxic industrial waste,  kind of like Sudbury.

He is horrified to see all of his friends, dressed in rags and chained together, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags. They are groaning and moaning in pain, faces and hands black with grime.

The Devil comes over to Martin and puts an arm around his shoulder.

"I don't understand," stammers a shocked Martin, "Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and a clubhouse and we ate lobster and caviar, drank booze. We screwed around and had a great time. Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage and everybody looks miserable!"

The Devil looks at him, smiles slyly, and purrs, "Yesterday we were campaigning; today you voted for us!"


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## iGeeK (Jan 27, 2003)

SINC wrote:

*"IT WAS A JOKE!"*

Oh, reeeeeeeeeeeally? Wow, I soooo missed out on that one.
Maybe if it were *funny* to begin with... Even jokes about Harper are about as amusing as he is.

*When will eastern [email protected]#$$%%^s get over the darn election and lighten up?*

We have *considerably* lightened up about the election. We just haven't lightened up about you guys whining about it and calling us "eastern [email protected]#$$%%^s".

Or was THAT a joke too?

Prost,

iG/<


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## gwillikers (Jun 19, 2003)

Damn, I killed the "joke du jour" thread with my long Paul Martin joke. Okay, here's a short one, to fix the problem...
================================

Barbara Walters of 20/20 (USA) did a story on gender roles in Kabul several years before the Afghan conflict. She noted that women customarily walked about 5 paces behind their husbands.

She returned to Kabul recently and observed that women still walk behind their husbands, but now seem to walk even further back and are happy with the old custom.

Ms. Walters approached one of the Afghani women and asked, "Why do you now seem happy with the old custom that you used to try and change?"
 
"Land mines," said the woman

MORAL: BEHIND EVERY MAN IS A SMART WOMAN.










-Howie


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## The Doug (Jun 14, 2003)

Rodney sat in his attorney's office.

"Do you want the bad news first or the terrible news?" asked the lawyer.

"Give me the bad news first," said Rodney.

"Your wife found a picture worth a half-million dollars," said the lawyer.

"That's the bad news?" asked Rodney incredulously. "I can't wait to hear the terrible news."

"It's of you and your mistress."


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## The Doug (Jun 14, 2003)

Visit your online fortune teller here. ..


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## Strongblade (Jul 9, 2001)

Oh My God, The Doug... That's brilliant!


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## Pelao (Oct 2, 2003)




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## The Doug (Jun 14, 2003)

Fresh off a successful caper, a gang of thieves decided to do a second robbery that same evening, and broke into a lawyer's club by mistake. The old legal lions gave them a fight for their life and their money. The gang was very happy to escape.

"It ain't so bad,' one crook noted. 'We got $25,000 between us."

The boss screamed, "I warned you to stay clear of lawyers - we had $100,000 when we broke in!"


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## SINC (Feb 16, 2001)

I thought you might enjoy these supposedly true airline stories.

Cheers










Heard over Airline Speakers! 

On a lengthy evening Air Canada Flight with a somewhat "senior" flight attendant crew, the pilot said, "Ladies and gentlemen, we've reached cruising altitude and will be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and to enhance the appearance of your flight attendants." 

Upon landing, a Westjet stewardess was heard to say: "Please be sure to take all of your belongings. If you're going to leave anything, please make sure it's something we'd like to have." 

Also from Westjet: "There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane. So pay attention!" 

"Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride." 

As the Continental plane landed and was coming to a stop at La Guardia, a lone voice came over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. WHOA!" 

After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced: "Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as hell everything has shifted." 

From a Southwest Airlines flight crew member: "Welcome aboard Southwest Flight 245 to Tampa. To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seat belt; and, if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised. 

In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with more than one small child, pick your favorite. 

The captain's dulcet tones droned over the plane's speakers: "Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but we'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines." 

"Your seat cushions can be used for flotation. In the event of an emergency water landing, please use them to paddle to shore and feel free to take them home with our compliments." 

"Should the cabin lose pressure, oxygen masks are in the overhead area. Please place the bag over your own mouth and nose before assisting children or other adults acting like children." 

"As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed equally amongst the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses." 

And from the pilot during his welcome message: "Delta airlines is pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry. Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight!" 

Heard from a flight attendant on a Westjet Airlines flight just after a very hard landing in Edmonton, Alberta: "That was quite a bump, and I know what you're all thinking ... I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight attendant's fault ... it was Air Canada." 

Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a particularly windy and bumpy day: During the final approach, the captain was really having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with your seat belts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!" 

Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal." 

A Canadian airline pilot wrote in his journal, a few years ago, that on one particular flight due to strong crosswinds, he had unfortunately hammered his ship onto the runway with a very hard greeting. The airline had a policy, which required the first officer on the flight to stand at the exit door while the passengers disembarked, to smile and repeat "Thanks for flying our airline." His comments indicated that, in light of the poor landing, he avoided eye contact with the passengers in an attempt to avoid any smart comments that might result. Finally there was only one little old lady left to exit the plane. Walking slowly up the aisle with a cane, she approached the awaiting first officer and said, "Sir, do you mind if I ask you a question?" "Why, no, Ma'am," said the pilot. "What is it?" "Did we land, or were we shot down?" 

After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the Flight Attendant came on with, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Capt. Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal." 

Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of U.S. Airways." 

A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After reaching a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax. OH, MY GOD!" Silence followed, and after a few minutes, the captain came back on the intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier. While I was talking to you, the flight attendant brought me a cup of very hot coffee, which ended up spilling in my lap. You should see the front of my pants! A passenger in Coach yelled, "That's nothing. You should see the back of mine!


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## The Doug (Jun 14, 2003)

*Your Stock Quotes for Today:*

Helium: Up

Feathers: Down

Paper: Stationary


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## K_OS (Dec 13, 2002)

> Your Stock Quotes for Today:
> 
> Helium: Up
> 
> ...


  
finally sound investment choices that I can take to the bank


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## K_OS (Dec 13, 2002)

One day Little Johnny went to his father, and asked him if he could buy him a $200 bicycle for his birthday. Little Johnny's father said, "Johnny, we have a $80,000 mortgage on the house, and you want me to buy you a bicycle? Wait until Christmas!" Christmas came around, and Little Johnny asked again. The father said, "Well, the mortgage is still extremely high, sorry kiddo. Ask me again some other time." Well, about 2 days later, the boy was seen walking out of the house with all his belongings in a suitcase. The father felt sorry for him, and asked him why he was leaving. Little Johnny said, "Yesterday I was walking past your room, and I heard you say that you were 'pulling out,' and mommy said that 'you should wait because she was coming, too....' "And I'll be DAMNED if I'm gonna stuck with your $80,000 mortgage!"

--------------------------------------------------

Johnny's parents were out of town once and so they asked that young female teacher to stay for that time in their house. Before going to bed Johnny Says to her "Oh, please, I'm so afraid to be by myself, please, sleep in my bed." She agrees, they go to bed. In the morning she wakes up to find a big hairy-chested man in her bed. She exclaims: "Johnny? Where is Johnny?" "Johnny? Who is Johnny? Is that the little boy selling the tickets?"


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## K_OS (Dec 13, 2002)

I just received this one from my wife.

The Clinton Family Tree
One Sunday morning Chelsea burst into the living quarters at the White House and said, "Dad! Mom! I have some great news for you! I am getting married to the greatest hunk in Washington. He lives in Georgetown and his name is Matt." After dinner, the President took Chelsea aside. "Honey, I have to talk with you. Your mother and I have been married a long time. She's a wonderful wife but she's never offered much excitement in the bedroom, so I used to fool around with women a lot. Matt is actually your half-brother, and I'm afraid you can't marry him." Chelsea was heartbroken. After eight months, she eventually started dating again. A year later she came home and very proudly announced, "Robert asked me to marry him! We're getting married in June." Again her father insisted on another private conversation and broke the sad news. "Robert is your half-brother too, honey. I'm awfully sorry about this." Chelsea was furious! She finally decided to go to her mother with the news. "Dad has done so much harm. I guess I'm never going to get married," she complained. "Every time I fall in love, Dad tells me the guy is my half- brother." Hillary just shook her head. "Don't pay any attention to what he says, dear. He's not really your father."


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## Pelao (Oct 2, 2003)

Sinc,

I'm currently doing some consulting for a major travel company - the airline jokes proved useful. Very good - thanks!


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## The Doug (Jun 14, 2003)

[ July 10, 2004, 08:49 AM: Message edited by: The Doug ]


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## SINC (Feb 16, 2001)

My pleasure to be sure, Paleo!

Cheers


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## Moscool (Jun 8, 2003)

OK Saturday night, full moon (maybe) and 100 million iTunes songs (maybe), so time for a bit of risqué airline humour. Apparently this one is true. I'll let you be judge... 

Another of those fun mid-west stormy flights. The captain is working really hard to keep the ship steady and the cabin is very quiet. The only colour outside that of the lightning is the green hue on most passengers' face....  

Eventually, the weather settles and the Captain picks up the mike: "Ladies & Gentlemen, thanks for your patience, courage and for suffering in silence! The worst is behind us, etc."

The Captain then hangs up but forgets to switch off the microphone. He turns to the co-pilot and the whole cabin can hear: "Well that was a sonavabitch of a storm. I sure could use a blow-job and a cup of coffee to steady my nerves!"

Upon hearing this, the stewardess realises what is happening and runs down the aisle to tell the Captain. At which point a small voice comes out of row 8 and suggests: "Don't forget the coffee!" 

Passengers were still laughing when the aircraft landed...


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## Toca Loca Nation (Jun 22, 2004)

Three nuns are talking.

The first says, "Last December, I was cleaning Father O'Reilly's room, and I found some pornographic magazines!"

The others ask, "What did you do????"

"I threw them in the garbage!"

The second says, "That's nothing. Three months ago, I was cleaning his room and I found some condoms!!"

"What did you do????"

"I took a pin and poked holes in them!!"

The third nun fainted.


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## Moscool (Jun 8, 2003)

Will this one bring Macnut back? You never know...

A Scottish tourist at his first baseball game...


A Scottish tourist attended his first baseball game in the US and after a base hit he hears the fans roaring "Run....Run!"

The next batter connects heavily with the ball and the Scotsman stands up and roars with the crowd in his thick accent: "R-r-run ya bahstard, r-run will ya!"

A third batter hits a slam and again the Scotsman, obviously pleased with his knowledge of the game, screams "R-r-run ya bahstard, r-r-run will ya!"

The next batter steadfastly holds his swing four times and as the ump calls a walk the Scotsman stands up and yells "R-r-run ya bahstard, r-r-run!"

All the surrounding fans giggle quietly and he sits down confused. A friendly fan, sensing his embarrassment, whispers to the Scotsman, "He doesn't have to run, he's got four balls."

After this explanation the Scotsman stands up in disbelief and screams, "Walk with pr-r-ride man! Walk with pr-r-ride!!!!"


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## The Doug (Jun 14, 2003)

Q: What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is 24 hours a day, seven days a week?

A: A widow.


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## SINC (Feb 16, 2001)

He, he he he!

A widow!

He he he he!

Cheers


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## The Doug (Jun 14, 2003)

Two men are approaching each other on a sidewalk. Both are dragging their right foot as they walk.

As they meet, one man looks at the other knowingly, points to his foot and says, "Vietnam, 1969."

The other points his thumb behind him and says, "Dog poop, 20 feet that way."


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## The Doug (Jun 14, 2003)

Oh, and HAPPY BASTILLE DAY everyone!!!


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## The Doug (Jun 14, 2003)

This is true - a radio station in Britain, owned by French Connection UK, FCUK FM ("None of the hits, none of the time") recently had some poster ads with this text:

*FCUK FM. FROM PNUK TO RCOK AND BACK. NON-STOP FNUK. FCUK FM*.

The British Advertising Standards Authority will require the station to seek approval for its advertising for the next two years. Link here.


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## SINC (Feb 16, 2001)

A little old man shuffled... slooooowly into an ice cream parlor, pulled himself... slooooooowly... painfully... up onto a stool. 

After catching his breath... he ordered a banana split. 

The waitress asked kindly, "Crushed nuts?" 

"No," he replied, "Arthritis." 

Cheers


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## The Doug (Jun 14, 2003)

That's a keeper!


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## Strongblade (Jul 9, 2001)

Oh, and here's an oldie but goodie..not really a "joke"..but still funny...

PRISON VS. WORK

Just in case you ever got the two mixed up. This should make things a bit
clearer.

IN PRISON.. you spend the majority of your time in an 8X10 cell.
AT WORK... you spend the majority of your time in a 6X8 cubicle.

IN PRISON... you get three meals a day.
AT WORK... you only get a break for one meal and you pay for it.

IN PRISON... you get time off for good behavior.
AT WORK... you get more work for good behavior.

IN PRISON... the guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.
AT WORK... you must carry around a security card and open all the doors for
yourself.

IN PRISON... you can watch TV and play games.
AT WORK... you get fired for watching TV and playing games.

IN PRISON... you get your own toilet.
AT WORK... you have to share with some idiot who pees on the seat.

IN PRISON... they allow your family and friends to visit.
AT WORK... you can't even speak to your family.

IN PRISON... the taxpayers pay all expenses with no work required.
AT WORK... you get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they
deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners.

IN PRISON... you spend most of your life inside bars wanting to get out.
AT WORK... you spend most of your time wanting to get out and go inside
bars.

IN PRISON... you must deal with sadistic wardens.
AT WORK... they are called managers.

Have a Great Day at WORK


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## The Doug (Jun 14, 2003)




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## The Doug (Jun 14, 2003)

The Bulwer-Lytton contest, also known as the "Dark and Stormy Night Contest" (run by the English Dept. of San Jose State University), wherein one writes only the first line of a bad novel, has announced their winners.


10) "As a scientist, Throckmorton knew that if he were ever to break wind in the echo chamber, he would never hear the end of it." 

9) "Just beyond the Narrows, the river widens." 

8) "With a curvaceous figure that Venus would have envied, a tanned, unblemished oval face framed with lustrous thick brown hair, deep azure-blue eyes fringed with long black lashes, perfect teeth that vied for competition, and a small straight nose, Marilee had a beauty that defied description." 

7) "Andre, a simple peasant, had only one thing on his mind as he crept along the East wall: 'Andre creep... Andre creep... Andre creep." 

6) "Stanislaus Smedley, a man always on the cutting edge of narcissism, was about to give his body and soul to a back alley sex-change surgeon to become the woman he loved." 

5) "Although Sarah had an abnormal fear of mice, it did not keep her from eeking out a living at a local pet store." 

4) "Stanley looked quite bored and somewhat detached, but then penguins often do." 

3) "Like an over-ripe beefsteak tomato rimmed with cottage cheese, the corpulent remains of Santa Claus lay dead on the hotel room floor." 

2) "Mike Hardware was the kind of private eye who didn't know the meaning of the word 'fear'; a man who could laugh in the face of danger and spit in the eye of death -- in short, a moron with suicidal tendencies." 

AND THE WINNER IS..... 

1) "The sun oozed over the horizon, shoved aside darkness, crept along the greensward, and, with sickly fingers, pushed through the castle window, revealing the pillaged princess, hand at throat, crown asunder, gaping in frenzied horror at the sated, sodden amphibian lying beside her, disbelieving the magnitude of the frog's deception, screaming madly, 'You lied!"


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## The Doug (Jun 14, 2003)

BlondeStar: An OnStar commercial parody...


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## iLabmAn (Jan 1, 2003)

The previous reply inspired me. 

These analogies were taken, just like an eagle who plucks helpless baby robins from their nest, from High School essays (in the United States). Yet, I’m sure we’ve seen our share of bad Canuck ones in our time.

I often share these with students when we study narrative writing. Enjoy:


She caught your eye like one of those pointy hook latches that used to dangle from screen doors and would fly up whenever you banged the door open again. (Rich Murphy, Fairfax Station) 

The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't. (Russell Beland, Springfield) 

McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty Bag filled with vegetable soup. (Paul Sabourin, Silver Spring) 

>From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in another city and "Jeopardy" comes on at 7 p.m. instead of 7:30. (Roy Ashley, Washington) 

Her hair glistened in the rain like nose hair after a sneeze. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) 

Her eyes were like two brown circles with big black dots in the center. (Russell Beland, Springfield) 

Bob was as perplexed as a hacker who means to access T:flw.quid55328.com\aaakk/[email protected] but gets T:\flw.quidaaakk/[email protected] by mistake (Ken Krattenmaker, Landover Hills) 

Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever. (Unknown) 

He was as tall as a six-foot-three-inch tree. (Jack Bross, Chevy Chase) 

The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease. (Gary F. Hevel, Silver Spring) 

Her date was pleasant enough, but she knew that if her life was a movie this guy would be buried in the credits as something like "Second Tall Man." (Russell Beland, Springfield) 

Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph. (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) 

The politician was gone but unnoticed, like the period after the Dr. on a Dr Pepper can. (Wayne Goode, Madison, Ala.) 

They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences that resembled Nancy Kerrigan's teeth (Paul Kocak, Syracuse, N.Y.) 

John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met. (Russell Beland, Springfield) 

The thunder was ominous-sounding, much like the sound of a thin sheet of metal being shaken backstage during the storm scene in a play. (Barbara Fetherolf, Alexandria) 

His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) 

The red brick wall was the color of a brick-red Crayola crayon.


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## SINC (Feb 16, 2001)

How to spot a rich guy!










Cheers


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## The Doug (Jun 14, 2003)

A man calls a lawyer and asks: "How much would you charge me to answer three questions?"

Lawyer: "Four hundred dollars."

Man: "That's a lot of money isn't it?"

Lawyer: "I guess so. What's your third question?"


----------



## MACSPECTRUM (Oct 31, 2002)

After getting all of Pope John Paul's luggage loaded into the limo
(and he doesn't travel light), the driver notices that the Pope is still standing on the curb. 

"Excuse me, Your Eminence," says the driver, "would you please take your seat so we can leave? 

"Well, to tell you the truth," says the Pope, "they never let me drive at the Vatican, and I'd really like to drive today." "I'm sorry but I cannot let you do that. I'd lose my job! And what if something should happen?," protests the driver, wishing he'd never gone to work that morning. 

"There might be something extra in it for you," says the Pope.
Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope climbs in behind the wheel. The driver quickly regrets his decision when, after exiting the airport, the Supreme Pontiff floors it, accelerating the limo to 105 mph.

"Please slow down, Your Holiness!!!" pleads the worried driver, but the Pope keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear sirens. "Oh, my, I'm gonna lose my license," moans the driver.

The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the cop approaches, but the cop takes one look at him, goes back to his motorcycle, and gets on the radio. 

"I need to talk to the Chief," he says to the dispatcher. The Chief
gets on the radio, and the cop tells him that he he's stopped a limo going a hundred and five. "So bust him," said the Chief. "I don't think we want to do that, he's really important," said the cop. Then the Chief exclaimed, "All the more reason!" "No, I mean really important," said the cop. The Chief then asked, "Who ya got there, the Mayor?" 
Cop: "Bigger." 
Chief: "Governor?" 
Cop: "Bigger." "Well," said the Chief, "who is it?" 
Cop: "I think it's God!" 
Chief: "What makes you think it's God?"

Cop: "He's got the Pope for a limo driver!"


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## The Doug (Jun 14, 2003)

A man went skydiving for the first time. After listening to the instructor for what seemed like days, he was ready to go. Excited, he jumped out of the airplane. About five seconds later, he pulled the ripcord. Nothing happened. He tried again. Still nothing. He started to panic, but remembered his back-up chute. He pulled that cord. Nothing happened. He frantically began yanking both cords to no avail.

Suddenly he looked down, and he couldn't believe his eyes. Another man was in the air with him, but this guy was going up! Just as the other guy passed by, the skydiver yelled, "HEY, DO YOU KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT SKYDIVING?"

The other guy yelled back, "NO! DO YOU KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT GAS STOVES?"


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## The Doug (Jun 14, 2003)

A woman went to doctor's office. She was seen by one of the new doctors, but after about 4 minutes in the examination room, she burst out, screaming as she ran down the hall. An older doctor stopped and asked her what the problem was, and she explained. He had her sit down and relax in another room.

The older doctor marched back to the younger one and demanded, "What's the matter with you? Mrs. Terry is 63 years old, she has four grown children and seven grandchildren, and you told her she was pregnant?"

The new doctor smiled smugly as he continued to write on his clipboard. "Cured her hiccups though, didn't it?"


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## MaxPower (Jan 30, 2003)

A first-grade teacher, Ms Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, "Harry, what's your problem?"

Harry answered, "I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!"

Ms. Brooks had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office. While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was.

The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave.

She agreed..

Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.

Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"

Harry: "9"...

Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"

Harry: "36".

And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know.

The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, "I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade."

Ms. Brooks says to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions."

The principal and Harry both agreed.

Ms. Brooks asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?"

Harry, after a moment: "Legs."

Ms. Brooks: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?"

The principal wondered, why would she ask such a question!

Harry replied: "Pockets."

Ms. Brooks: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?"

Harry: "Pants."

Ms. Brooks: "What starts with a C, ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious, and contains thin, whitish liquid?"

Harry: "Coconut."

The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.

Ms. Brooks: "What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?"

The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer.

Harry: "Bubble gum".

Ms. Brooks: "What does a man do standing up, a woman do sitting down and a dog does on three legs?"

Harry: "Shake hands."

The principal was trembling.

Ms. Brooks: "What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement?"

Harry: "Fire truck"

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong."


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## The Doug (Jun 14, 2003)

Anyone want some gum?


----------



## iLabmAn (Jan 1, 2003)

Ok. That commercial was hilarious - especially the scene at the dance club.


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## talonracer (Dec 30, 2003)

hahaha, that commercial was brilliant...

Definately not something that would get airplay in north america!!


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## The Doug (Jun 14, 2003)

This news story on Foxnews is pretty amusing - and somewhat scary:

*Cops Make Major Hibiscus Bust*
_Wednesday, August 04, 2004_

Texas cops thought they'd made a major drug bust when they raided a home northwest of Houston last Tuesday. After all, it looked like there were huge marijuana plants growing in the front yard.

"All of a sudden, they burst in with their guns loaded, pointing at me, screaming, 'Get on the floor! Get on the floor!'" northwest Harris County resident Blair Davis told KHOU-TV.

It turns out the tall plants with the narrow leaves arranged in a fan pattern weren't pot plants at all, but specimens of Texas Star hibiscus (search), which Davis grows for his landscaping business.

That didn't convince the 10 or so members of the Harris County Organized Crime Unit (search) who stormed around the house.

"I just put my head down, shook it and said: 'Guys, you are making a terrible mistake. That is Texas Star hibiscus, not marijuana,'" Davis told the TV station. "They just told me to shut up."

At one point, the officers discussed whether the bamboo in the window might be the demon weed as well, Davis told the Houston Chronicle. They also asked him what he planned to do with the watermelons and cantaloupes growing out back.

"What would I do with them?" Davis said he responded.

It turned out a concerned citizen had seen the native Texas plant, which has little white flowers and smooth green leaves — marijuana has rough leaves and dense flowering buds — in the yard and tipped off the authorities.

"My guys went out there, and they looked at the plants and stuff, and they believed them to be marijuana," Lt. Dan Webb told KHOU-TV.

After about an hour, the officers decided the search was over. They gave Davis a "citizen's information card" with the words "closed-report" written on it.

"No apology, no nothing," Davis complained to the Chronicle. "I realize they have a job to do, but this seems a little bizarre."

Lt. Webb defends his officers.

"I'm sure it was traumatic," he told KHOU. "Any time there's a search warrant served at your house, there's gonna be some trauma involved."

Davis thinks the narcotics officers might need a little more training.

"If they don't know what a marijuana plant looks like, maybe they should bring a picture with them," he told the TV station, "before they invade a citizen's home."


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## SINC (Feb 16, 2001)

A man was driving through Southern Alberta one spring evening. The road was deserted and he had not seen a soul for what seemed like hours.

Suddenly his car started to cough and splutter and the engine slowly died away, leaving him sitting by the road in total silence.
He popped the hood and looked to see if there was anything that he could do to get it going again. Unfortunately, he had a limited
knowledge of cars, so all he could do was look at the engine, feeling despondent. 

As he peered by the gradually fading light of his flashlight, he cursed that he had not put in new batteries, like he had promised.

Suddenly, through the inky shadows, came a deep voice, it's your fuel pump."

The man jumped up quickly striking his head on the underside of the hood. "Who said that?" he demanded.

There were two horses standing in the field alongside and the man was amazed when the nearest of the two horses repeated, "It's your fuel pump, tap it with your flashlight, and try it again."

Confused, the man tapped the fuel pump with his flashlight, turned the key and sure enough, the engine roared into life. He muttered a short thanks to the horse and screeched away.

When he reached the next town, he ran into the local bar. "Large
whiskey, please!" he said.

A rancher sitting at the bar looked at the man's ashen face and asked, "What's wrong? You look like you've seen a ghost!"

"It's unbelievable," the man said and recalled the whole tale to the rancher.

The rancher took a sip of his beer and looked thoughtful. "A horse, you say? Was it by any chance a white horse?"

The man replied to the affirmative. "Yes it was! Am I crazy?"

"No, you ain't crazy. In fact, you're lucky," said the rancher "'cause the black horse don't know crap about cars!"

Cheers


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## The Doug (Jun 14, 2003)

The couple living next door to Little Johnny had a new baby and the poor little thing was born with no ears. For weeks Little Johnny begged his Mom to take him to see the baby with no ears. She always told him no because she was afraid of what he might say. Still Little Johnny begged and begged. So his Mom finally told him she would take him if he PROMISED not to say anything mean about the baby not having any ears. So Little Johnny promised and they went to see the baby.

Johnny walked up to the basinet, looked down at the baby, then looked at the baby's Mom and said, "Look at those big hands, he has really big hands, and look at those big feet, and long legs, and look at those chubby little cheeks, WOW look at those big blue eyes. He has GOOD EYES doesn't he?" Johnny asked.

"Yes he does." Said the baby's Mom.

Then Johnny said, "Well it's a darn good thing, cause he'll never be able to wear glasses."


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## The Doug (Jun 14, 2003)

A monastery in the English countryside had fallen on hard times, and decided to establish a business to defray their expenses, such as a bakery or winery. Being English, however, they decided to open a fish-and-chips restaurant. The establishment soon became very popular, attracting people from all over. 

One city fellow, thinking himself clever, asked one of the brothers standing nearby, "I suppose you're the 'fish friar'?"

"No", answered the brother levelly, "I'm the 'chip monk'".


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## Dr.G. (Aug 4, 2001)

ABBOTT and COSTELLO Buy A Computer 
Remember ABBOTT and COSTELLO Jokes? Hope you enjoy this one. 
In today's world, Bud ABBOTT and Lou COSTELLO's famous sketch
"Who's on first?" might have turned out something like this.... 

COSTELLO CALLS TO BUY A COMPUTER FROM ABBOTT . . . . 

ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you? 

COSTELLO: Thanks.I'm setting up an office in my den and 
I'm thinking about buying a computer. 

ABBOTT: Mac? 

COSTELLO: No, the name's Lou. 

ABBOTT: Your computer? 

COSTELLO: I don't own a computer.I want to buy one. 

ABBOTT: Mac? 

COSTELLO: I told you, my name's Lou. 

ABBOTT: What about Windows? 

COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here? 

ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with Windows? 

COSTELLO: I don't know. What will I see when I look in the windows? 

ABBOTT: Wallpaper. 

COSTELLO: Never mind the windows.I need a computer and software. 

ABBOTT: Software for Windows? 

COSTELLO: No. On the computer!I need something I can use to write
proposals,track expenses and run my business. What have you got? 

ABBOTT: Office. 

COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything? 

ABBOTT: I just did. 

COSTELLO: You just did what? 

ABBOTT: Recommend something. 

COSTELLO: You recommended something? 

ABBOTT: Yes. 

COSTELLO: For my office? 

ABBOTT: Yes. 

COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office? 

ABBOTT: Office. 

COSTELLO: Yes, for my office! 

ABBOTT: I recommend Office with Windows. 

COSTELLO: I already have an office with windows! OK, lets just say
I'm sitting at my computer and I want to type a proposal. What do I need? 

ABBOTT: Word. 

COSTELLO: What word? 

ABBOTT: Word in Office. 

COSTELLO: The only word in office is office. 

ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows. 

COSTELLO: Which word in office for windows? 

ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue "W". 

COSTELLO: I'm going to click your blue "w" if you don't start with 
some straight answers. OK, forget that. Can I watch
movies on the Internet? 

ABBOTT: Yes, you want Real One. 

COSTELLO: Maybe a real one, maybe a cartoon. What I watch is none of 
your business. Just tell me what I need! 

ABBOTT: Real One. 

COSTELLO: If it's a long movie I also want to see reel 2, 3 & 4. Can
I watch them? 

ABBOTT: Of course. 

COSTELLO: Great! With what? 

ABBOTT: Real One. 

COSTELLO: OK, I'm at my computer and I want to watch a
movie. What do I do? 

ABBOTT: You click the blue "1". 

COSTELLO: I click the blue one what? 

ABBOTT: The blue "1". 

COSTELLO: Is that different from the blue w? 

ABBOTT: The blue "1" is Real One and the blue "W" is Word. 

COSTELLO: What word? 

ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows. 

COSTELLO: But there's three words in "office for windows"! 

ABBOTT: No, just one. But it's the most popular Word in the world. 

COSTELLO: It is? 

ABBOTT: Yes, but to be fair, there aren't many other Words left. 
It pretty much wiped out all the other Words out there. 

COSTELLO: And that word is real one? 

ABBOTT: Real One has nothing to do with Word. Real One isn't 
even part of Office. 

COSTELLO: STOP! Don't start that again. What about financial bookkeeping? 
You have anything I can track my money with? 

ABBOTT: Money. 

COSTELLO: That's right. What do you have? 

ABBOTT: Money. 

COSTELLO: I need money to track my money? 

ABBOTT: It comes bundled with your computer 

COSTELLO: What's bundled with my computer? 

ABBOTT: Money. 

COSTELLO: Money comes with my computer? 

ABBOTT: Yes. No extra charge. 

COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much? 

ABBOTT: One copy. 

COSTELLO: Isn't it illegal to copy money? 

ABBOTT: Microsoft gave us a license to copy money. 

COSTELLO: They can give you a license to copy money? 

ABBOTT: Why not? THEY OWN IT! 

A FEW DAYS LATER . . 

ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you? 

COSTELLO: How do I turn my computer off? 

ABBOTT: Click on "START"..........


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## Peter Scharman (Jan 4, 2002)

> *COSTELLO: How do I turn my computer off?
> 
> ABBOTT: Click on "START"..........*


LOL....that about sums it up!


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## Dr.G. (Aug 4, 2001)

Peter, we should use this in our routine. Our agent has booked us for a corporate affair and a personal party -- the former at the Microsoft campus and the latter at a birthday party being thrown for Bill Gates. Talk about tough audiences...............  







Still, we are traditional "hoofers" and have survived worse (remember the great egg toss fiasco in Calgary at the Ralph Klein birthday bash???)


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## moonsocket (Apr 1, 2002)

This is one that my 7 year old daughter heard from her "boyfriend" at school last june:


Question:Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?


Answer:Because it was dead.









I know. That's horrible but really funny coming from a 7 year old!


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## MaxPower (Jan 30, 2003)

One afternoon a wealthy lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two men along the roadside eating grass. Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate.

He asked one man, "Why are you eating grass?"

"We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied. "We have to eat grass."

"Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you" the lawyer said.

"But sir. I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there, under that tree"

"Bring them along," the lawyer replied. Turning to the other poor man he stated, "You come with us also."

The second man, in a pitiful voice then said, "But sir, I also have a wife and SIX children with me!"

"Bring them all, as well," the lawyer answered.

They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limousine was.

Once underway, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you."

The lawyer replied, "Glad to do it. You'll really love my place; the grass is almost a foot high!"


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## SINC (Feb 16, 2001)

A young tourist was enjoying his first night in Rome, drinking cappuccino at a pavement cafe when a pretty girl sat beside him.

"Hello," he said. " Do you understand English?" 

"Only a little," she answered. 

"How much?" he asked. 

"Fifty dollars," she replied.

Cheers


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## The Doug (Jun 14, 2003)




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## iGeeK (Jan 27, 2003)

Well, more like "Crouch and Smile" when in Thailand.  

iG/<


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## SINC (Feb 16, 2001)

Scientists have shown that the moon is moving away at a tiny, although measurable distance from the earth every year. 

If you do the math, you can calculate that 85 million years ago the moon was orbiting the earth at a distance of about 35 feet from the earth's surface.

This would explain the death of the dinosaurs.

Well, the tallest ones, anyway.

Cheers


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## iLabmAn (Jan 1, 2003)

Ok SINC.

That was funny. I pee-d myself.


----------



## MaxPower (Jan 30, 2003)

A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get it started."

Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"

The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a rooster."

Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle. She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table. He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says, "First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster."

He takes her hand and says, "Second, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then..." he sighed, "...let's put all these Corn Flakes back in the box."


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## The Doug (Jun 14, 2003)

A woman is trying to board a bus, but her skirt is too tight and she can't step up. She reaches behind her and lowers the zipper a bit and tries again. Skirt's still too tight. She reaches behind her and lowers the zipper some more. She still can't get on and lowers the zipper a third time.

Suddenly, the woman feels two hands on her butt, trying to push her up onto the bus. She spins around and says very indignantly, 'Sir, I do not know you well enough for you to do that!!'

The man responds, 'Lady, I don't know you well enough for you to unzip my fly three times either!'


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## iGeeK (Jan 27, 2003)

http://punkwave.ca/english/vehicles/pontiac/wave/promo/main.html?genre=punk

Yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa... The *perfect* car for punks! Nothing says *no future!* like this car...

"I gotta have it!" 

Ah, ha, ha...

iG/<


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## SINC (Feb 16, 2001)

> unzip my fly three times


Hehehehehe!

Attaboy Doug!

Cheers


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## The Doug (Jun 14, 2003)

A young boy had just received his drivers license. He asked his father, who was a minister, if they could discuss the use of the car. His father took him to his study and said to him, "I'll make a deal with you. You bring home good grades, study your bible a little and get your hair cut and we'll talk about the use of the car." 

After about a month the boy came back and again asked his father if they could discuss use of the car. They again went to the father's study where his father said, "Son, I've been real proud of you. You have brought your grades up, you've studied your bible diligently, but you didn't get your hair cut!" 

The young man waited a moment and replied, "You know dad, I've been thinking about that. You know, Samson had long hair, Moses had long hair, Noah had long hair, and even Jesus had long hair..." 

The boy's father replied, "Yes, and they WALKED everywhere they went!"


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## The Doug (Jun 14, 2003)

From a passenger ship, everyone can see a bearded man on a small island, who is shouting and desperately waving his hands.

"Who is that man?" a passenger asks the captain.

"I've no idea. Every year when we pass, he goes nuts."


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## The Doug (Jun 14, 2003)

http://www.engrish.com/image/engrish/****thing.jpg


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## The Doug (Jun 14, 2003)

"How was your blind date?" a freshman college student asked her roommate.

"Terrible!" the roommate answered. "He showed up in his 1932 Rolls Royce."

"Wow! That's a very expensive antique car. What's so bad about that?"

"He was the original owner."


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## MaxPower (Jan 30, 2003)

To Exercise or Not to Exercise 

1 It is well documented that for every mile that you jog, you add one minute to your life. This enables you, at age 85, to spend an additional 5 months in a nursing home at $5,000 per month.

2. My grandmother started walking 5 miles a day when she was 60. She is now 97 and we don't know where the hell she is.

3. The only reason I would take up jogging is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.

4. I joined a health club last year, spent about $400. Haven't lost a pound. Apparently you have to show up.

5. I have to exercise early in the morning before my brain figures out what I am doing.

6. I don't exercise at all. If God meant us to touch our toes, he would have put them further up our body.

7. I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.

8. I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.

9. The advantage of exercising every day is that you die healthier.

10. If you are going to try cross country skiing, start with a small country.

11. And last, but not least, I don't jog - it makes the ice jump right out of my glass.


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## khummsein (Sep 12, 2003)

> From a passenger ship, everyone can see a bearded man on a small island, who is shouting and desperately waving his hands.
> 
> "Who is that man?" a passenger asks the captain.
> 
> "I've no idea. Every year when we pass, he goes nuts."
























took me a little while but that's really funny


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## iGeeK (Jan 27, 2003)

Doug, one doesn't have to go to Asia for "Ingrish".

Local supermarket:










Knowing the people who work there, I'd bet this is intentional, though.

iG/<


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## The Doug (Jun 14, 2003)




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## SINC (Feb 16, 2001)

A woman was helping her husband set up his computer, and at the appropriate point in the process told him he needed to enter a password. 

The husband was in a rather frisky mood and figured he would try to shock his spouse a little. When the computer asked for a password, he typed in "penis." 

His wife fell off her chair laughing when the computer replied, "Please enter another password. Not long enough."

Cheers


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## SINC (Feb 16, 2001)

Larry's barn burned down and his wife, Susan, called the insurance company. Susan spoke to the insurance agent and said, "We had that barn insured for fifty thousand, and I want my money." 

The agent replied, "Just a minute. Insurance doesn't work quite like that. An independent adjuster will assess the value of what was insured, and then we'll provide you with a new barn of similar worth." 

There was a long pause, and then Susan replied, "If that's how it works, then I want to cancel the life insurance policy on my husband." 

Cheers


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## Cameo (Aug 3, 2004)

1. ARBITRATOR: A cook that leaves Arby's to work at McDonalds 
  2. AVOIDABLE: What a bullfighter tried to do
  3. BERNADETTE: The act of torching a mortgage
  4. BURGLARIZE: What a crook sees with
  5. CONTROL: A short, ugly inmate

  6. COUNTERFEITERS: Workers who put together kitchen cabinets
  7. ECLIPSE: What an English barber does for a living
  8. EYEDROPPER: A clumsy ophthalmologist
  9. HEROES: What a guy in a boat does
  10. LEFTBANK: What the robber did when his bag was full of money

  11. MISTY: How golfers create divots
  12. PARADOX: Two physicians
  13. PARASITES: What you see from the top of the EiffelTower
  14. PHARMACIST: A helper on the farm
  15. POLARIZE: What penguins see with

  16. PRIMATE: Removing your spouse from in front of the TV
  17. RELIEF: What trees do in the spring
  18. RUBBERNECK: What you do to relax your wife
  19. SELFISH: What the owner of a seafood store does
  20. SUDAFED: Brought litigation against a government official


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## Cameo (Aug 3, 2004)

A Husband took his wife to play her first game of golf..... Of course, the wife promptly hacked her first shot right through the window of the biggest house adjacent to the course. The husband cringed, "I warned you to be careful! Now we'll have to go up there, find the owner, apologize and
see how much your lousy drive is going to cost us." So the couple walked up to the house and knocked on the door. A warm voice said, "Come on in". When they opened the door they saw the damage that was done: glass was all over the place, and a broken antique bottle was lying on its side near the broken window.

A man reclining on the couch asked, "Are you the people that broke my window?" "Uh...yeah, sir. We're sure sorry about that," the husband replied. "Oh, no apology is necessary. Actually I want to thank you.. You see,
I'm a genie, and I've been trapped in that bottle for a thousand years. Now that you've released me, I'm allowed to grant three wishes. I'll give you each one wish, but if you don't mind, I'll keep the last one for myself."
"Wow, that's great!" the husband said. He pondered a moment and blurted out, "I'd like a million dollars a year for the rest of my life." "No problem," said the genie. "You've got it, it's the least can do. And I'll guarantee you a long, healthy life!" 
"And now you, young lady, what do you want?" the genie asked. "I'd like to own a gorgeous home complete with servants in every country in the world," she said. "Consider it done," the genie said. "And your homes will always be safe from fire, burglary and natural disasters!" "And now," the couple asked in unison, what's your wish, genie?"
"Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle and haven't been with a woman in more than a thousand years, my wish is to have sex with your wife."
The husband looked at his wife and said, "Gee, honey, you know we both now have a fortune, and all those houses. What do you think?"
She mulled it over for a few moments and said, "You know, you're right.
Considering our good fortune, I guess I wouldn't mind, but what about you, honey?"
"You know I love you sweetheart," said the husband. "I'd do the same for you!"

So the genie and the woman went upstairs where they spent the rest of the afternoon enjoying each other. The genie was insatiable. After about
three hours of non-stop sex, the genie rolled over and looked directly into
her eyes and asked, How old are you and your husband?"
"Why, we're both 35," she responded breathlessly.
"No Kidding." He said, "Thirty-five years old and both of you still
believe in genies?"


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## Cameo (Aug 3, 2004)

BIG OOOPS!

quote:
You agree, through your use of this service, that you will not use ehMac to post any material which is knowingly false and/or defamatory, inaccurate, abusive, vulgar, hateful, harassing, obscene, profane, sexually oriented, threatening, invasive of a person's privacy, or otherwise violative any law. You agree not to post any copyrighted material unless the copyright is owned by you or by ehMac. Software sold in the "Trading Post" must comply with the software's licence agreement. Questionable posts will be removed.

I guess this joke wasn't appropriate...I didn't think it too bad!!!
No offense meant to anyone


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## Chris (Feb 8, 2001)

None taken!  

An oldie, but a goodie!


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## MACSPECTRUM (Oct 31, 2002)

This is the message that the Pacific Palisades High School (California) Staff voted unanimously to record on their school telephone answering machine. This came about because they implemented a policy requiring students and parents to be responsible for their children's absences and missing homework.

 The school and teachers are being sued by parents who want their children's failing grades changed to passing grades even though those children were absent 15-30 times during the semester and did not complete enough school work to pass their classes.

 This is the actual answering machine message for the school:


*"Hello! You have reached the automated answering service of your school.  In order to assist you in connecting the right staff member, please listen to all your options before making a selection:


"To lie about why your child is absent - Press 1  


"To make excuses for why your child did not do his work- Press 2

"To complain about what we do - Press 3

"To swear at staff members - Press 4

"To ask why you didn't get information that was already enclosed in your newsletter and several flyers mailed to you - Press 5

"If you want us to raise your child - Press 6

"If you want to reach out and touch, slap or hit someone - Press 7

"To request another teacher for the third time this year- Press 8

"To complain about bus transportation - Press 9

"To complain about school lunches - Press 0

"If you realize this is the real world and your child must be  accountable and responsible for his/her own behavior, class work, homework, and that it's not the teachers' fault for your child's lack of effort:  Hang up and have a nice day!"


If you can read this thank a teacher. If you are reading it in English thank a veteran.*


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## MaxPower (Jan 30, 2003)

At New York Kennedy airport, today, an individual later discovered to be a public school teacher, was arrested trying to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a set square, a slide rule and a calculator.

Attorney General John Ashcroft believes the man is a member of the notorious Al-Gebra movement. He is being charged with carrying weapons of math instruction.

"Al-Gebra is a very fearsome cult, indeed", Ashcroft said. "They desire average solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on a tangent in a search of absolute value. They consist of quite shadowy figures, with names like "x" and "y", and, although these individuals are frequently referred to as "unknowns", we know they really belong to a common denominator and are part of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every country. "As the great Greek philanderer Isosceles used to say, there are 3 sides to every triangle."

When asked to comment on the arrest, President Bush said, "If God had wanted us to have better weapons of math instruction, He would have given us more fingers and toes."


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## buck (Jan 10, 2003)

thats hilarious maxpower 
(the guy with the name that you want to touch... but you cannot touch it)


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## The Doug (Jun 14, 2003)

Bubba passed away and his wife Emily called 911. The 911 operator told Emily that she would send someone out right away.

"Where do you live?" asked the operator.

Emily replied, "At the end of Eucalyptus Drive."

The operator asked, "Can you spell that for me?"

There was a long pause and finally Emily said... "How 'bout if I drag Bubba over to Oak Street and you pick him up there?"


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## SINC (Feb 16, 2001)

A drunken man lay sprawled across three entire seats in the posh theater. When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the guy, "Sorry, sir, but you're only allowed one seat."

The fellow groaned but didn't budge. The usher became more impatient: "Sir, if you don't get up from there I'm going to have to call the manager."

Once again, the guy just groaned. The usher marched briskly back up the aisle, and in a moment he returned with the manager. Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move the man, but with no success. Finally they summoned the police. The cop surveyed the situation briefly then asked, "All right buddy what's your name?"

"Sam," the guy moaned.

"Where ya from, Sam?" asked the cop.

With pain in his voice Sam replied,. . . . . . . "The balcony!" 

Cheers


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## used to be jwoodget (Aug 22, 2002)

A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him, "Father, I have a 
problem. I have two female parrots, but they only know how to say one thing."

"What do they say?" the priest inquired. 

They say, "Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?"

"That's terrible!" the priest exclaimed, then he thought for a moment.

"You know," he said, "I may have a solution to your problem. I have two male talking parrots, which I have taught to pray and read the Bible.

Bring your two parrots over to my house, and we'll put them in the cage with Francis and Peter. My parrots can teach your parrots to praise and worship, and your parrots are sure to stop saying . . . that phrase ... in no time." 

The next day, she brought her female parrots to the priest's house. As he ushered her in, she saw that his two male parrots were inside their cage, holding rosary beads and praying. Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots in with them.

After a few minutes, the female parrots cried out in unison: "Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?"

There was stunned silence. Shocked, one male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and exclaimed, "Put the beads away Frank, our prayers have been answered!"


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## The Doug (Jun 14, 2003)

He lives!


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## The Doug (Jun 14, 2003)




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## The Doug (Jun 14, 2003)

A mother takes her son to a psychiatrist and says, "Doctor, I'd like you to evaluate my 13 year-old son."

"He's suffering from a transient psychosis with an intermittent rage disorder, punctuated by episodic radical mood swings, but his prognosis is good for full recovery," said the doctor.

"How can you say all that without even meeting him?" asked the mother.

Replied the psychiatrist, "Didn't you say he was 13?"


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## Chipper (Aug 31, 2004)

SON SAYS: "Daddy, how was I born?"

DAD SAYS: "Ah, well, my son, one day you will need to find out anyway! Mom and Dad got together in a chat room on MSN. Dad set up a date via e-mail with your mom and we met at a cyber cafe. We sneaked into a secluded room, and then your mother downloaded from dad's memory stick. As soon as dad was ready for an upload, it was discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall. Since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later the blessed little virus appeared.


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## MaxPower (Jan 30, 2003)

A real groaner.....


A guy gets shipwrecked. When he wakes up, he's on a beach. The sand is dark red. He can't believe it. The sky is dark red. He walks around a bit and sees there is dark red grass, dark red birds and dark red fruit on the dark red trees. He's shocked when he finds that his skin is starting to turn dark red too.

"Oh no!!" he says. "I think I've been marooned!!"


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## Strongblade (Jul 9, 2001)

Ow...

MaxPower hurt my brain!


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