# joke du jour



## MACSPECTRUM

A man took his wife to the Rodeo and one of the exhibits is that of breeding bulls. They went up to the first pen and there was a sign that said, "This bull mated 50 times last year." 
The wife poked her husband in the ribs and said, "He mated 50 times last year." 

They walked a little further and saw another pen with a sign that said, "This bull mated 130 times last year." 
The wife hit her husband and said, "That's more than twice a week! You could learn a lot from him." 

They walked further and a third pen had a bull with a sign saying, "This bull mated 365 timmes last year." 
The wife got really excited and said, "That's once a day. You could REALLY learn something from this one." 

The husband looked at her and said, "Go up and ask him if it was with the same cow." 

The husband's condition has been reduced from critical to stable 
and he should make a full recovery.


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## used to be jwoodget

macspectrum, you've opened a can of worms..... This joke is based on a scientific observation known as the Coolidge Effect which is named for a classic joke/anecdote involving the ex-President of the USA (no, not Clinton, Coolidge, although Bill did offer a practical demonstration).

The effect.

The anecdote.

The antidote?


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## MACSPECTRUM

Blonde enters a store that sells curtains. She tells the salesman, "I would like to buy a pair of pink curtains.

The salesman assured her that they had a large selection of pink
curtains. He showed her several patterns, but the blond seemed to be having a hard time choosing.

Finally she selects a lovely pink floral print.
The salesman asked what size curtains she needed.
The blond replies: "fifteen inches."

"Fifteen inches???" asked the salesman. "That sounds very small, what room are they for?"

The blond tells him that they aren't for a room, they are for her
computer monitor.

The surprised salesman replies, "but, Miss, computers do not need curtains!"

The blond says, "Hellllooooooooo........I've got Windows!"


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## SINC

Sinatra with a twist:

http://www.beecy.net/frank/

Cheers


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## MaxPower

Brilliant!!!!!!


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## The Doug




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## The Doug

Q: What has four legs and an arm?

A: A Doberman.


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## SINC

Cheers


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## misspentyouth

Married 

A man and a woman, who have never met before, but are both married to other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a transcontinental train. Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly ... 

he in the upper bunk and she in the lower. 

At 1:00 AM, the man leaned over and gently woke the woman saying, "Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold." 

"I have a better idea," she replied. "Just for tonight, let's pretend that we're married." 

"Wow! That's a great idea!" he exclaimed. 

"Good," she replied. "Get your own f -----g blanket!" 

After a moment of silence, he farted.


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## vacuvox

Monday, Sep 27
Baltimore - An employee of the Space Telescope Science Institute was detained for questioning by the FBI this morning. No charges have been laid. The unnamed man is suspected of uploading a software hack to the Hubble Space Telescope. "The code is non-malicious and poses no threat to operations other than a small setback in schedule", said an STSI spokesperson, "The uploaded code allowed the hacker to aim Hubble towards Earth - which is normally a prohibited target. The objects resolved by the telescope in this case happened to coincide with the location of the Whitehouse in Washington DC - which explains why the employee has attracted the attention of federal authorities."

In response to questions about possible links to terrorism the spokesperson stated, "I cannot speculate on that, although - as I said - I see no malicious intent. Let me put it another way: an act of terrorism would have tested our president's resolve. This event however seems only to have resolved our president's testis".

[ September 27, 2004, 07:40 PM: Message edited by: vacuvox ]


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## SINC

So, tell me again why this Hubble thing is posted in the joke du jour thread?

Cheers


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## Cynical Critic

Something about the "testis" I guess. I'm a bit confused too. Can anyone illuminate this matter for us?


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## The Doug

*Why Did The Chicken Cross The Road?*

GEORGE W BUSH
We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road, or not. The chicken is either against us, or for us. There is no middle ground here.

COLIN POWELL
Now to the left of the screen, you can clearly see the satellite image of the chicken crossing the road.

HANS BLIX
We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been allowed to have access to the other side of the road.

JOHN KERRY
Although I voted to let the chicken cross the road, I am now against it!

RALPH NADER
The chicken's habitat on the other side of the road had been polluted by unchecked industrial greed. The chicken did not reach the unspoiled habitat on the other side of the road because it was crushed by the wheels of a gas-guzzling SUV.

PAT BUCHANAN
To steal the job of a decent, hardworking American.

RUSH LIMBAUGH
I don't know why the chicken crossed the road, but I'll bet it was getting a government grant to cross the road, and I'll bet that somebody out there is already forming a support group to help chickens with crossing-the-road syndrome. Can you believe this?!? How much more of this can real Americans take? Chickens crossing the road paid for by their tax dollars. And when I say tax dollars, I'm talking about your money, money the government took from you to build a road for chickens to cross.

MARTHA STEWART
No one called me to warn me which way that chicken was going. I had a standing order at the Farmer's Market to sell my eggs when the price dropped to a certain level. No little bird gave me any insider information.

DR SEUSS
Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, the chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed I've not been told.

ERNEST HEMINGWAY
To die in the rain. Alone.

MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR
I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question.

GRANDPA
In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough.

BARBARA WALTERS
Isn't that interesting? In a few moments, we will be listening to the chicken tell, for the first time, the heartwarming story of how it experienced a serious case of molting, and went on to accomplish its life long dream of crossing the road.

JOHN LENNON
Imagine all the chickens in the world crossing roads together - in peace.

ARISTOTLE
It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.

KARL MARX
It was an historic inevitability.

CAPTAIN KIRK
To boldly go where no chicken has ever gone before.

SIGMUND FREUD
The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying insecurity.

BILL GATES
I have just witnessed eChicken2003, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook. Internet Eggsplorer is an integral part of eChicken.

ALBERT EINSTEIN
Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath the chicken?

BILL CLINTON
I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. The answer depends on your definition of chicken.

HILLARY CLINTON
Even though I am the smartest woman in the world and know all there is to know about everything, I do not know anything about any chicken including the one allegedly found in my residence.

AL GORE
I invented the chicken!

THE BIBLE
And God came down from heaven, and he said unto the chicken THOU SHALT CROSS THE ROAD. And the chicken didst cross the road, and there Was much rejoicing.

COLONEL SANDERS
Did I miss one?


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## The Doug

One day a man came home and was greeted by his wife, who was dressed in a brand new, very alluring nightie.

"Tie me up," she purred, "and you can do anything you want."

So, he tied her up and went golfing.


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## vacuvox

_So, tell me again why this Hubble thing is posted in the joke du jour thread?_

Geez guys... what - no amateur astronomers in the house? well.....









excuuuuuuuuuse meeeeeeeee!

[edited to fix the SM link]

[ September 29, 2004, 06:38 PM: Message edited by: vacuvox ]


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## SINC

Sorry Vacuvox, I meant no offense.

I was only trying to find the humour in the post.

Obviously I am missing something and wondered what it was, that's all.

Cheers


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## Mac Jedi

A blonde man from Arkansas is going on his first overseas 
trip. He drives all the way into Little Rock to apply for a 
passport. In the passport office, the government official sees 
that he is visibly puzzled filling his passport application. 
The passport official looks over his shoulder, and sees the
blonde trying to write 'twice a week' into the small space 
labeled 'SEX.'
The official explains: "No, no, no. That is not what we mean 
by this question. We are asking 'Male' or 'Female.'"

"Doesn't matter," the blonde answers.


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## The Doug




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## The Doug

The Monday Afternoon Club, an organization of wealthy city people, met and decided that this month's outing was to be at a dairy farm. Most of them had lived in the city all their lives, and had never seen such a thing.

The day came, and the city folk filed into the rented bus which whisked them off to their destination. On the way, they watched out the windows as the city squalor turned into lovely, unpolluted countryside.

After they arrived, they were greeted by the farmer who invited them to look him up should they have any questions.

Myrtle, after looking about, and being amazed by what she saw, stepped into a building and viewed something she thought was quite remarkable. She saw the farmer walk by and hailed him - he sauntered in.

"Sir," she inquired, "Why doesn't this cow have any horns?"

The farmer cocked his head for a moment, then began in a patient tone: "Well, ma'am, cattle can do a powerful lot of damage with horns. Sometimes we keep' em trimmed down with a hacksaw. Other times we can fix up the young 'uns by puttin' a couple drops of acid where their horns would grow in, and that stops 'em cold. Still, there are some breeds of cattle that never grow horns. But the reason this cow don't have no horns, ma'am, is 'cause it's a horse."


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## Dr.G.

A guy is driving around the wide open spaces outside of Calgary and he sees a sign in front of a house: "Talking Dog for Sale." 

He rings the bell, and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard. The guy goes into the backyard and sees a beautiful black Labrador retriever sitting there

"You talk?" he asks.

"Yep," the Lab replies.

"So, what's your story?"

The Lab looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young, and I wanted to help the government; so I told the Canadian government about my gift, and in no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running."

The Lab continued his story -- "But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger and I wanted to settle down. I signed up for a job at the Calgary airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible! dealings."

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

"Ten dollars." The guy says,

"This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?"

"Because he's a liar. He didn't do any of those things."


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## The Doug

A man was asleep and God came to him in a dream. God said, "Is there anything you'd like to ask me?"

The man thought a minute and then he said, "Yes. What is a hundred years to you?"

God said, "A hundred years is like a second."

The man said, "Can I ask you another question? What is a million dollars like to you?"

God said, "Well, a million dollars is like a penny to me."

The man said, "And now I have one more question. Can I borrow a penny?"

God said, "Sure. Just a second."


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## Dr.G.

Good one, Doug. As the old Yiddish saying goes, "From your lips to God's ear."


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## BigDL

Q: How many flies does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A: Just two, but how the little critter get inside of a light bulb is beyond me!


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## Mac Jedi

I went to the store the other day and was only in there for about 5 minutes.
When I came out, there was a city cop writing out a parking ticket.
I went up to him and said, "Come on, buddy, how about giving a senior a break?"
He ignored me and continued writing the ticket.
I called him a Nazi.
He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn tires.
So, I called him a piece of horse manure.
He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield, with the first.
Then, he started writing a third ticket.
This went on for about 20 minutes.
The more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote.
I didn't care.
My car was parked around the corner.
I try to have a little fun each day.
It's important at my age.


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## SINC

An American tourist in London decides to skip his tour group and explore the city on his own. He wanders around, seeing the sights, and occasionally stopping at a quaint pub to soak up the local culture, chat with the lads, and have a pint of beer. After awhile, he finds himself in a very high-class neighborhood with big, stately residences—no pubs, no stores, no restaurants, and worst of all, no public restrooms. He really, really has to go, especially after all those beers. He finds a narrow side street, with high walls surrounding the adjacent buildings and decides to use the wall to solve his problem. As he is unzipping, he is tapped on the shoulder by a London Bobbie, who says, "I say, sir, you simply cannot do that here, you know." "I'm very sorry, officer," replies the American, "but I really, really have to go, and I just can't find a public restroom." "Ah, yes," said the Bobbie, "just follow me." He leads him to a back delivery alley, then along a wall to a gate, which he opens. "In there," points the Bobbie. "Whiz away, anywhere you want." The fellow enters and finds himself in the most beautiful garden he has ever seen. Manicured grass lawns, statuary, fountains, sculptured hedges, and huge beds of gorgeous flowers, all in perfect bloom. Since he has the cop's blessing, he unburdens himself and is greatly relieved. As he goes back through the gate, he says to the Bobbie, "That was really decent of you. Is that British hospitality?" "No," replied the Bobbie, with a satisfied smile on his face, "That is the French Embassy."

Cheers


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## Dr.G.

Hopefully, the American had a "Reelect Bush" button on his coat.


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## The Doug

Great one, Sinc. Consider it copied, pasted, and kept. To be retold countless times next week...


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## SINC

Glad you chaps enjoyed it!

Thanks.

Cheers


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## simon

Five men were bragging about how smart their dogs were. One was an engineer, the second man was an accountant, the third man was a chemist, the fourth was a computer tech, and the fifth was a government worker.

To show off, the engineer called his dog."T-square, do your stuff." T-square trotted over to a desk, took out some paper and a pen and promptly drew a circle, a square and a triangle. Everyone agreed that was pretty incredible.

But the accountant said his dog could do better. He called to his dog and commanded "Spreadsheet, do your stuff." Spreadsheet went out into the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies. He divided them into 4 equal piles of 3 cookies each. Everyone agreed that was good.

But the chemist said his dog could do better. He called to his dog and said, "Measure, do your stuff. " Measure got up, walked over to the fridge, took out a quart of milk, got a 10 ounce glass from the cupboard and poured exactly 8 ounces without spilling a drop. Everyone agreed that was more than a little impressive.

The computer tech knew he could top them all. "Hard Drive, have a go at it." Hard Drive crossed the room and booted the computer, checked for viruses, upgraded the operating system, sent an email, and installed a cool new game. Everyone knew that was a tough act to follow.

Then the four men turned to the government worker and said, "What can your dog do?" The government worker called to his dog and said, "Coffee Break, do your stuff, Boy." Coffee Break jumped to his feet, ate the cookies, drank the milk, erased all the files on the computer, screwed the other four dogs, claimed he injured his back while doing so, filed a grievance report for
unsafe working conditions, put in for workers compensation and went home for six-month sick leave.


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## SINC

The first mate on a ship decided to celebrate an occasion with a little stowed away rum. Unfortunately, he got drunk and was still drunk the next morning. 

The captain saw him drunk, and when the first mate was sober, showed him the following entry in the ship's log, "The first mate was drunk today." 

"Captain," the mate said, "please don't let that stay in the log. This could add months or years to my becoming a captain myself." "Is it true?" asked the captain, already knowing the answer. "Yes, it's true" the mate said. "Then if it is true it has to go in the log. That's the rule. If it's true, it goes into the log, end of discussion," said the captain, sternly. 

Weeks later, it was the first mate's turn to make the log entries. The first mate wrote, "The ship seems in good shape. The captain was sober today."

Cheers


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## Mac Jedi

Hello everyone! 
Check it out!
http://www.seanism.com/dlarea/pafiledb.php?action=watch&id=35


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## Cameo

[ October 06, 2004, 09:48 AM: Message edited by: Cameo ]


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## misspentyouth

Brewster the Rooster

****** was in the fertilized egg business. He had several hundred young layers called pullets and eight or ten roosters, whose job was to fertilize the eggs. ****** kept records and any rooster that didn't perform went into the soup pot and was replaced. 
That took an awful lot of ******'s time so ****** got a set of tiny bells and attached them to his roosters. Each bell had a different tone so ****** could tell from a distance, which rooster was performing. Now he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report simply by listening to the bells. 
******'s favorite rooster was old Brewster, a very fine specimen he was, too. But on this particular morning ****** noticed old Brewster's bell hadn't rung at all. ****** went to investigate. The other roosters were chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing. 

The pullets, hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover. BUT, to ******'s amazement, Brewster had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring. He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one. ****** was so proud of Brewster, he entered him in the county fair...and Brewster became an overnight sensation among the judges. The result...The judges not only awarded Brewster the "No Bell Piece Prize" but they also awarded him the "Pulletsurprise" as well. 

Clearly Brewster was a Republican. Who else could figure out how to win two of the most politically biased awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the populous and screwing them.


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## misspentyouth

duplicate post, sorry...

... but it was a good one, no?


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## CubaMark

Issue resolved.

M

[ October 07, 2004, 10:04 PM: Message edited by: CubaMark ]


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## Cameo

My apologies. No offense meant. I have erased the post. I do not follow politics, I am not racist or bigoted and didn't see any real depth to it.


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## Dr.G.

CubaMark, I felt the same way about Cameo's "joke". However, from her previous postings in ehMacLand, I feel that she is sincere in stating that presenting a stereotypical and bigoted posting was not her intention.


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## SINC

Cameo, a minor error best forgotten.

What were we chatting about anyway?

Cheers


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## Cameo

Sinc, Dr. G, two true gentlemen and real sweethearts. 

I was quite upset about Cubamarks remarks. I do not even pretend to know what goes on in politics, so other than a play on roles, didn't see such depth to my post. I certainly didn't take anything seriously about it and never supposed others would.

I do not care what religion, race or colour people are. I don't care if you can walk or not, hear or not, see or not, or if you are poor or wealthy, I don't care if you're gay or if you are pink with purple polka dots- everyone is a human being and has as much right as the other. I try not to judge anyone (though I am as human as you are) and hold no grudges. I do, though, hurt as much as anyone else.

I will not post any more politic minded jokes as it is obviously taken waaaay to seriously. 

I say what I mean and if I want to offend someone, believe me, that someone will know it - bluntly and plainly. No offense to anyone was meant and I fail to understand what is meant by "right wing" AND I don't want to know either. I am not going to defend or discuss politics - obviously I don't understand enough to do so. 

I did feel that I had to defend myself here tho.


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## Dr.G.

Cameo, re your comment that "Sinc, Dr. G, two true gentlemen and real sweethearts.", I can attest to Sinc being a gentleman. As for me, I shall stand on my record and let the voters of ehMacLand cast their ballots one way or the other.

Still, you shall find most ehMacLanders to be understanding and compassionate.


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## The Doug

Oklahoma, where the sh!t comes flingin'...


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## The Doug

"Dear Lord: I go to work every day and put in 8 hours while my wife merely stays at home. I want her to know what I go through, so please allow her body to switch with mine for a day. Amen."

God, in his infinite wisdom, granted the man's wish. The next morning, sure enough, the man awoke as a woman. He arose, cooked breakfast for his mate, awakened the kids, set out their school clothes, fed them breakfast, packed their lunches, drove them to school, came home and picked up the dry cleaning, took it to the cleaners and stopped at the bank to make a deposit, went grocery shopping, then drove home to put away the groceries, paid the bills and balanced the check book. He cleaned the cat's litter box and bathed the dog.

Then it was already 1 P.M. and he hurried to make the beds, do the laundry, vacuum, dust, and sweep and mop the kitchen floor. Ran to the school to pick up the kids and got into an argument with them on the way home. Set out milk and cookies and got the kids organized to do their homework, then set up the ironing board and watched TV while he did the ironing.

At 4:30 he began peeling potatoes and washing vegetables for salad, breaded the pork chops and snapped fresh beans for supper. After supper, he cleaned the kitchen, ran the dishwasher, folded laundry, bathed the kids, and put them to bed.

At 9 P.M. he was exhausted and, though his daily chores weren't finished, he went to bed where he was expected to make love which he managed to get through without complaint.

The next morning, he awoke and immediately knelt by the bed and said, "Lord, I don't know what I was thinking. I was so wrong to envy my wife's being able to stay home all day. Please, oh please, let us trade back."

The Lord, in his infinite wisdom, replied, "My son, I feel you have learned your lesson and I will be happy to change things back to the way they were. You'll just have to wait nine months, though. You got pregnant last night."


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## CubaMark

Cameo,

No worries. I came out of a very bigoted mindset, where jokes about blacks, immigrants, jews, etc. were just a part of the rural lifestyle. It took years for me to gain an understanding and appreciation for the often nasty things people who are not part of the dominant culture have to go through.

My family benefitted from my travels, and the friends I've made at university over the years. In the early 1990s, I began inviting my classmates - those who were in Canada alone, with few local friends and no family - to our cottage for Thanksgiving weekend. It wasn't so much the observance of the holiday, as it was giving them something to do when everyone else they knew disappeared from the city to spend time with their families.

My parents, my sibling, my friends all learned - gradually - that the things they used to say off-handedly, or jokingly, were offensive. They saw the very real hurt that words can cause.

At the peak of my undergraduate days, we had on one Thanksgiving weekend about 13 nations and 18 or more languages represented. (And the food was a delicious melding of our usual roasted Turkey with papadam, rice, curry, salsa, etc.). It enriched our lives in many ways, culturally, emotionally, gastronomically (!) and politically.

Having been in a long-term relationship with an immigrant, a visible minority of the Muslim faith, perhaps I am a wee bit sensitive to things that were not meant to offend, but which do cross the line.

I believe that prejudices persist because we allow them to. Were I not to raise the issue with you, it would be the same as condoning the content.

I accept that you had no ill intent. I hope I don't come across as being reactionary... but I said what I believed to be appropriate.

Shall we be friends?

 
M


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## Cameo

As stated in my post - I don't hold grudges.

Although I am certainly aware that people can be bigoted, prejudiced and stupid, I am none of the above and to be quite truthful, never really think about it unless it is obviously right in my face.

I have never cared about anothers nationality, color, or even their sexual preference - but have treated others as they treat me. I also stand up for my beliefs and I applaud you for that.

My first thought was that you were waay to serious and quickly defensive - you obviously have reason for it.

It is sad that people can be deliberately nasty to others for such things as race.

We all bleed

We all breathe

We all feel love, hurt gladness and sorrow.

Some are really blind tho.

Indeed, lets consider ourselves friends.

[ October 07, 2004, 11:38 PM: Message edited by: Cameo ]


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## SINC

In the 16th and 17th centuries, everything had to be transported by ship and it was also before commercial fertilizer's invention, so large shipments of manure were common.

It was shipped dry, because in dry form it weighed a lot less than when wet, but once water (at sea) hit it, it not only became heavier, but the process of fermentation began again, of which a by product is methane gas.

As the stuff was stored below decks in bundles you can see what could (and did) happen. Methane began to build up below decks and the first time someone came below at night with a lantern, BOOOOM! Several ships were destroyed in this manner before it was determined just what was happening.

After that, the bundles of manure were always stamped with the term "Ship High In Transit" on them which meant for the sailors to stow it high enough off the lower decks so that any water that came into the hold would not touch this volatile cargo and start the production of methane.

Thus evolved the term "S. H. I. T " , (Ship High In Transport) which has come down through the centuries and is in use to this very day.

You probably did not know the true history of this word.

Neither did I. I thought it was a Golf Term!

Cheers


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## bopeep

SINC.. now THAT is something interesting. 

Ship High In Transport. 

kewal. 

Cheers
Bo


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## Dr.G.

Bopeep, yes, Sinc is full of it all right....... I do refer to his being full of knowledge and unique stories when I say he is "full of it". Just wanted to keep the record clean.


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## SINC

You know Bopeep, I can almost see Dr. G.'s tail waggin' after that last post!

His devil's tail that is!

Cheers


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## used to be jwoodget

Umm.... where was the dig at the Liberal government in that joke Sinc? Pile Only On Platform - deck.


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## Dr.G.

Sinc, you know that you and Peter are among the two persons here in ehMacLand that I most respect and feel honored to be able to be called "mon ami".


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## SINC

> Umm.... where was the dig at the Liberal government in that joke Sinc?


No need UTBJ.

You see, the Liberals are very good at digging a hole for themselves all by themselves.

Cheers


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## Cameo

Sinc, check your email.


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## SINC

When I opened my e-mail, this is what I found:










Thank you Cameo, for your kind thoughts!

Cheers


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## SINC

A guy goes to the ophthalmologist in Edmonton who shows him a card with the letters: 

'C Z W X N Q S T A C Z' 

"Can you read this?" he asks.

"Read it?" he replies, "I know the guy!"

Cheers


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## Dr.G.




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## SINC

Three old men were sitting around and talking. The 80 year-old said, "The best thing that could happen to me would just to be able to have a good pee. I stand there for twenty minutes, and it dribbles and hurts. I have to go over and over again."

The 85 year-old said, "The best thing that could happen to me is if I could have one good bowel movement. I take every kind of laxative I can get my hands on and it's still a problem."

Then the 90 year-old said, "That's not my problem. Every morning at 6:00 am sharp, I have a good long pee. At 6:30 am sharp I have a great bowel movement. The best thing that could happen to me would be if I could wake up before 7:00 am."

Cheers


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## Dr.G.




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## The Doug

Jack was first up in his golf foursome. Eyeing the ball, he swung his club and hooked his shot over the fence and down a road where the ball crashed through the windshield of an oncoming car. The startled driver lost control of his vehicle, and it spun into a parking lot and bounced off three cars.

Jack raced over to the crash scene and was relieved to find that no one was hurt. Almost immediately, a policeman arrived and approached Jack, who was standing next to the crashed car, eyeing his ball. "Just what are you going to do about this?" demanded the policeman.

Jack looked up and said, "Well, the first thing I'm going to do is change my grip."


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## The Doug

A man passed by a fortune teller's tent at a county carnival, and decided to have some fun. He went inside.

The fortune-teller welcomed him and took out her crystal ball. After a few minutes, she said to her customer, "You have two children."

The man said smugly, "That's what you think. I have THREE children."

The fortune teller calmly replied, "That's what YOU think!"


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## Dr.G.

Doug, I have heard this with the person stating "No, I have two children", but the three children response and the "That's what you think" works just as well.


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## SINC

Life, explained:










Cheers


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## Dr.G.




----------



## MaxPower

An 80 year old couple were having problems remembering things, so they decided to go to their doctor to get checked out to make sure nothing was wrong with them. When they arrived at the doctor's, they explained to the doctor about the problems they were having with their memory. After checking the couple out, the doctor tells them that they were physically okay but might want to start writing things down and make notes to help them remember things.

The couple thanked the doctor and left.Later that night while watching TV, the old man got up from his chair and his wife asks, "Where are you going?"

He replies, "To the kitchen."She asks, "Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?"

He replies, "Sure." She then asks him, "Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?"

He says, "No, I can remember that." She then says, "Well I also would like some strawberries on top. You had better write that down cause I know you'll forget that."

He says, "I can remember that, you want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries." She replies, "Well I also would like whip cream on top. I know you will forget that so you better write it down."

With irritation in his voice, he says, "I don't need to write that down I can remember that." He then fumes into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes he returns from the kitchen and hands her a plate of bacon and eggs. She stares at the plate for a moment and says, "You forgot my toast."


----------



## Dr.G.

MaxPower, that reminds me..........happy birthday, my friend. Paix. And you thought that I would forget/


----------



## MaxPower

Dr. G. I think you may resemble that old couple in the joke more than you may think  

My Birthday is in April. The second to be precise.

But thanks anyway. It's nice to feel remembered.


----------



## Dr.G.

MaxPower, April 14th..............I am 6 months late and 6 months early. Thus, by my calculations, I am right in the middle, so Happy Birthday, my friend.


----------



## MaxPower

I've always said that I was born a day late.........


----------



## Dr.G.

.......or a day early..........which makes your birthday today, which is just right.


----------



## MaxPower

Can you explain the math according to Dr. G?

Maybe I'm not following the bouncing ball.


----------



## Dr.G.

Today is Oct.14th. Your birthday was exactly 6 months ago, and will come again 6 months from today. Thus, -6 and +6 = 0. Thus, your birthday is 0 days from today, which is today. So, today is your birthday. Happy Birthday!!!!


----------



## The Doug




----------



## The Doug

A very drunk gent checked into a hotel late one Saturday night. He awoke very ill, and summoned a bellboy to fetch him a bottle of whiskey and a Sunday newspaper. The bellhop was gone a long time.

When he returned, the lush remarked, "It must be hard to buy a bottle in this town on Sunday."

"There was no trouble with the liquor," replied the bellboy, "but it's tough finding a Sunday paper on Tuesday."


----------



## SINC

A new monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to help the other monks in copying the old texts by hand. He notices, however, that they are copying copies, not the original books.

So, the new monk goes to the head monk to ask him about this. He points out that if there were an error in the first copy, that error would be continued in all of the other copies.

The head monk says, "We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son." So the head monk goes down into the cellar with one of the copies to check it against the original.

Hours later, nobody has seen him. So, one of the monks goes downstairs to look for him. He hears sobbing coming from the back of the cellar, and finds the old monk leaning over one of the original books crying. 

He asks, "What's wrong?"

"The word is celebrate," says the old monk.

Cheers


----------



## Macified

My life, Explained


----------



## gwillikers

These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.

----------------------------------------------------------

Q: Are you sexually active?

A: No, I just lie there.

__________________________________

Q: What is your date of birth?

A: July 15th.

Q: What year?

A: Every year.

______________________________________

Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?

A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

_____________________________________

Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?

A: Yes.

Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?

A: I forget.

Q: You forget? Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten?

___________________________________

Q: How old is your son, the one living with you?

A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.

Q: How long has he lived with you?

A: Forty-five years.

____________________________________

Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he
woke up that morning?

A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"

Q: And why did that upset you?

A: My name is Susan.

______________________________________


Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in
voodoo or the occult?

A: We both do.

Q: Voodoo?

A: We do.

Q: You do?

A: Yes, voodoo.

______________________________________

Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?

A: Did you actually pass the bar exam?

__________________________________

Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?

_____________________________________

Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?

_____________________________________

Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?

A: Yes.

Q: And what were you doing at that time?

____________________________________

Q: She had three children, right?

A: Yes.

Q: How many were boys?

A: None.

Q: Were there any girls?

______________________________________

Q: How was your first marriage terminated?

A: By death.

Q: And by whose death was it terminated?

______________________________________

Q: Can you describe the individual?

A: He was about medium height and had a beard.

Q: Was this a male, or a female?

______________________________________

Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?

A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

_____________________________________

Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?

A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.

_____________________________________

Q: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?

A: Oral.

______________________________________

Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?

A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.

Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?

A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.

______________________________________

Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?

______________________________________

Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?

A: No.

Q: Did you check for blood pressure?

A: No.

Q: Did you check for breathing?

A: No.

Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?

A: No.

Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?

A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.

Q: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?

A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.


----------



## SINC

Abe's son arrives home from school puffing and panting, sweat rolling down his face. "Dad, you'll be so proud of me" he says, "I saved a dollar by running behind the bus all the way home". 
"Oy" says Abe, "You could have run behind a taxi and saved $20"!

Cheers


----------



## Dr.G.

Oy vey!!!!!


----------



## MaxPower

A couple, both 78, went to a sex therapist's office in Winter Haven, Florida. The doctor asked, "What can I do for you?"

The man said, Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?"

The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed. When the couple had finished, the doctor said, "There's nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse," and charged them $50. This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an appointment, have intercourse with no problems, pay the doctor, then leave.

Finally the doctor asked, "Just exactly what are you trying to find out?"

The old man said, "We're not trying to find out anything. She's married and we can't go to her house. I'm married and we can't go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $90. The Hilton charges $140. We do it here for $50 and I get $43 back from Medicare. Is Florida great or what!"


----------



## The Doug

A young student was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.

The student stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale. Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.

The student said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah."

The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?"

The student replied, "Then _you_ ask him".


*** *** ***

A boy walked into a supermarket and asked the clerk, "Can I have a turkey for my grandma?"

The clerk responded, "Sorry. We don't do exchanges."


----------



## SINC

The strong young man at the construction site was bragging that he could outdo anyone in a feat of strength. He made a special case of making fun of one of the older workmen. 

After several minutes, the older worker had had enough. "Why don't you put your money where your mouth is," he said. "I will bet a week's wages that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow over to that outbuilding that you won't be able to wheel back."

"You're on, old man," the braggart replied. "Let's see what you got."

The old man reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles. Then, nodding to the young man, he said, "All right. Get in."!

Cheers


----------



## Dr.G.

Good one, Sinc. Youth is wasted on the young.


----------



## Chipper

The famous Olympic skier Picabo (pronounced "Peek-A-Boo") Street is not just an athlete, she is a nurse.  

She currently works in the Intensive Care Unit of a large metropolitan hospital, however, she is not permitted to answer the telephone while she is at work.  

It simply caused too much confusion when she would answer the phone and say:  "Picabo, ICU."


----------



## Dr.G.

"Picabo, ICU."


----------



## MACSPECTRUM

One afternoon a wealthy lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two men along the roadside eating grass. Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop. He then asked one of the men, "Why are you eating grass? 

The man replied, "I don't have any money for food. I have to eat grass." 

"Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll see that you are fed" the lawyer said. 

"But sir. I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there, eating grass under that tree." 

"So much the better, bring them along," the lawyer replied. Turning to the other poor man who also had been eating grass he stated, "You come with us also." 

The second man, in a weak and pitiful voice replied, "But sir, I  have a wife and SIX children with me!  They are over there under that other tree eating grass" 

"So much the better, bring them all, as well," the lawyer answered. They all got in the car, which was no easy task, even for a limousine. 

Once underway, one of the pitiful fellows turned to the lawyer and said, "Sir, you may be a lawyer, but you are a very kind man.  Thank you for inviting us." 

The lawyer replied, "Glad to do it. You'll really love my place .. the grass is almost a foot high!"


----------



## paul_sells_macs

A Husband takes his wife to play her first game of golf.....

Of course, the wife promptly hacked her first shot right through the window of the biggest house adjacent to the course.

The husband cringed, "I warned you to be careful! Now we'll have to go up there, find the owner, apologize and see how much your lousy drive is going to cost us."

So the couple walked up to the house and knocked on the door.

A warm voice said, "Come on in."

When they opened the door they saw the damage that was done. Glass was all over the place, and a broken antique bottle was lying on its side near the broken window.

A man reclining on the couch asked, "Are you the people that broke my window?"

"Uh...yeah, sir. We're sure sorry about that," the husband replied.

"Oh, no apology is necessary. Actually I want to thank you.. You see, I'm a genie, and I've been trapped in that bottle for a thousand years. Now that you've released me, I'm allowed to grant three wishes. I'll give you each one wish, but if you don't mind, I'll keep the last one for myself."

"Wow, that's great!" the husband said. He pondered a moment and blurted out, "I'd like a million dollars a year for the rest of my life."

"No problem," said the genie. "You've got it, it's the least I can do. And I'll guarantee you a long, healthy life!"

"And now you, young lady, what do you want?" the genie asked.

"I'd like to own a gorgeous home complete with servants in every country in the world," she said.

"Consider it done," the genie said. "And your homes will always be safe from fire, burglary and natural disasters!"

"And now," the couple asked in unison, what's your wish, genie?"

"Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle and haven't been with a woman in more than a thousand years, my wish is to have sex with your wife."

The husband looked at his wife and said, "Gee, honey, you know we both now have a fortune, and all those houses. What do you think?"

She mulled it over for a few moments and said, "You know, you're right. Considering our good fortune, I guess I wouldn't mind, but what about you, honey?"

"You know I love you sweetheart," said the husband. "I'd do the same for you!"

So the genie and the woman went upstairs where they spent the rest of the afternoon enjoying each other.

After about three hours of non-stop sex, the genie rolled over and looked directly into her eyes and asked, How old are you and your husband?"

"Why, we're both 35," she responded breathlessly.
"No Kidding." He said,

"Thirty-five years old and both of you still believe in genies?"


----------



## The Doug

An Amish lady is trotting down the road in her horse and buggy when she is pulled over by a cop.

"Ma'am, I'm not going to ticket you, but I do have to issue you a warning. You have a broken reflector on your buggy."

"Oh, I'll let my husband, Jacob, know as soon as I get home."

"That's fine. Another thing, ma'am. I don't like the way that one rein loops across the horse's back and around one of his testicles. I consider that animal abuse. That's cruelty to animals. Have your husband take care of that right away!"

Later that day, the lady is home telling her husband about her encounter with the cop.

"Well, dear, what exactly did he say?"

"He said the reflector is broken."

"I can fix that in two minutes. What else?"

"I'm not sure, Jacob ... something about the emergency brake..."


----------



## Dr.G.

Things Dachshunds Must Try To Remember....

The garbage collector is NOT stealing our stuff.

I do not need to suddenly stand straight up when I'm lying under the coffee table.

I must shake the rainwater out of my fur BEFORE entering the house.

I will stop trying to find the few remaining pieces of clean carpet in the house when I am about to throw up.

I will not eat any more socks, Kleenex or napkins, and then redeposit them in the backyard after processing.

I will not chew my human's toothbrush and not tell them.

I will not chew crayons or pens, especially not the red ones, or my people will think I am hemorrhaging.

We do not have a doorbell. I will not bark each time I hear one on TV.

I will not steal my Mom's underwear and dance all over the back yard with it.

The sofa is not a face towel. Neither are Mom & Dad's laps.

I will not bite the officer's hand when he reaches in for Dad's driver's license and car registration.

I will not play tug-of-war with Dad's underwear when he's on the toilet.

I will not roll around in the dirt right after getting a bath.

The cat is not a squeaky toy; so when I play with him and he makes that noise, it's usually not a good thing.


----------



## K_OS

*Penny Drinks*

A man walks into a bar one night. He goes up to the bar and asks for a beer. "Certainly, sir, that'll be 1 cent." "One penny!?" exclaimed the guy. The barman replied, "Yes."

So, the guy glances over at the menu, and he asks, "Could I have a nice juicy T-bone steak, with fries, peas, and a salad?" "Certainly sir," replies the bartender, "but all that comes to real money." "How much money?" inquires the guy. "Four cents," he replies. "Four cents?!" exclaims the guy. "Where's the guy who owns this place?" The barman replies, "Upstairs with my wife." The guy says, "What's he doing with your wife?" The bartender replies, "Same as what I'm doing to his business."


----------



## K_OS

*Corporate Talk*

Helping you figure out those slick and glossies from companies recruiting here are what they actually mean. 

"JOIN OUR FAST-PACED COMPANY" We have no time to train you; you'll have to introduce yourself to your co-workers. 

"IMMEDIATE OPENING" The person who used to have this job gave notice a month ago. We're just now running the ad. 

"PENSION/RETIREMENT BENEFITS" After 3 years, we'll allow you to fund your own 401(k) and, if you behave we'll give you a 5 percent matching contribution. 

"COMPETITIVE ENVIRONMENT" We have a lot of turnover. 

"EXCITING AND PROFESSIONAL WORK ENVIRONMENT" Guys in grey suits will bore you with tales of squash and their weekends on yachts. 

"JOIN OUR DYNAMIC TEAM" We all listen to nutty motivational tapes. 

"MUST BE DEADLINE ORIENTED" You'll be six months behind schedule on your first day. 

"FLEXIBLE HOURS" Work 40 hours; get paid for 25. 

"DUTIES WILL VARY" Anyone in the office can boss you around. 

"MUST HAVE AN EYE FOR DETAIL" We have no quality control. 

"SEEKING CANDIDATES WITH A WIDE VARIETY OF EXPERIENCE" You'll need it to replace three people who just left. 

"PROBLEM-SOLVING SKILLS A MUST" You're walking into a company in perpetual chaos. 

"REQUIRES TEAM LEADERSHIP SKILLS" You'll have the responsibilities of a manager, without the pay or respect. 

"GOOD COMMUNICATION SKILLS" Management communicates, you listen, figure out what they want and do. 

"ABILITY TO HANDLE A HEAVY WORKLOAD" You whine, you're fired.


----------



## Strongblade

My mom sent me this. I figured you guys might find it funny:


----------



## bopeep

> I will not chew crayons or pens, especially not the red ones, or my people will think I am hemorrhaging.


























Been there!


----------



## The Doug

One Sunday, a cowboy went to church.

When he entered, he saw that he and the preacher were the only ones present. The preacher asked the cowboy if he wanted him to go ahead and preach.

The cowboy said, "I'm not too smart, but if I went to feed my cattle and only one showed up, I'd feed him."

So the minister began his sermon. 

One hour passed, then two hours, then two-and-a-half hours.

The preacher finally finished and came down to ask the cowboy how he had liked the sermon.

The cowboy answered slowly, "Well, I'm not very smart, but if I went to feed my cattle and only one showed up, I sure wouldn't feed him ALL the hay."


----------



## SINC

With all the sadness and trauma going on in the world at the moment, it is worth reflecting on the passing of a very important person which almost went unnoticed last week. 

Larry La Prise, the man who wrote "The Hokey Pokey", died peacefully at the age of 93. 

The most traumatic part for his family was getting him into the coffin. They put his left leg in, and then . . .

Well, you know the rest!

Cheers


----------



## SINC

NOTICE:

Print this post for the full effect.

OSAMA WRITES TO GEORGE W.

After numerous rounds of, “We don’t even know if Osama is still alive”, Osama himself decided to send Dubya a letter in his own handwriting to let him know he was still in the game.

Bush opened the letter and it appeared to contain a coded message:

370HSSV-0773H

Bush was baffled, so he e-mailed it to colin Powell, who had no clue so they sent it to the FBI, who sent it to the CIA, then to NASA and the Secret Service.

None could help, so they turned to Canada’s RCMP who replied to the White House as follows:

Tell the President he is looking at the message upside down.

Cheers


----------



## Dr.G.

Such Language Sinc................and I thought that you were a fine upstanding pillar of your community. Still, the sentiment is accurate.


----------



## MaxPower

Funny thing is I can picture everyone cocking their head to read the message upside down.


----------



## Snapple Quaffer

Man goes to see his doctor.

Doctor to man: "What seems to be the trouble?"

Man: "Well, I've got this steering wheel stuck in my underpants."

Doctor: "Really?"

Man: "Yes and it's driving me nuts."


----------



## Dr.G.

SQ, you and Sinc should join Peter and I in a vaudeville revival at the "What up Dachs?" Comedy Club.


----------



## Snapple Quaffer

Ah! Dr. G., Sir.

The roar of the crowd … the smell of the greasepaint …


----------



## Lawrence

Well...I suppose it's a joke...Anyways it's interesting.

It takes less than a minute....... Work this out as you read.


Be sure you don't read the bottom until you've worked it out!
This is not one of those waste of time things, it's fun.


1. First of all, pick the number of times a week that you would
like to have chocolate. (more than once but less than 10)


2. Multiply this number by 2 (Just to be bold)


3. Add 5. (for Sunday)


4. Multiply it by 50 I'll wait while you get the calculator................


5. If you have already had your birthday this year add 1754....
If you haven't, add 1753 ............


6. Now subtract the four digit year that you were born.


You should have a three digit number .....


The first digit of this was your original number (i.e., how many
times you want to have chocolate each week). The next two
numbers are ...........YOUR AGE! (Oh YES, it is!!!!!)


THIS IS THE ONLY YEAR (2004) IT WILL EVER WORK,
SO SPREAD IT AROUND WHILE IT LASTS


----------



## bopeep

> Funny thing is I can picture everyone cocking their head to read the message upside down.


I did exactly that!


----------



## Dr.G.

Dave........WOW!!! I love things like this.


----------



## SINC

Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cell phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands free speaker-function and begins to
talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.

MAN: Hello

WOMAN: Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?

MAN: Yes

WOMAN: I am at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's
only $1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?

MAN: Sure, go ahead if you like it that much.

WOMAN: I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new
2005 models and I saw one I really liked.

MAN: How much?

WOMAN: $90,000

MAN: OK, but for that price I want it with all the options.

WOMAN: Great! Oh, and one more thing. The house we wanted last year is
back on the market. They're asking $950,000.

MAN: Well, then go ahead and give them an offer, but just offer $900,000. but no more.

WOMAN: OK. I'll see you later! I love you!

MAN: Bye, I love you, too.

He hangs up. The other men in the locker room are looking at him in astonishment. 

Then he asks: Anyone know who this phone belongs to?

Cheers


----------



## The Doug

A woman walked up to the information desk in a hospital and asked to see the "upturn."

"I think, you mean the 'intern,' don't you?" asked the nurse on duty.

"Yes," said the woman. "I want to have a 'contamination.'"

"You mean 'examination,'" the nurse corrected her.

"Well I want to go to the 'fraternity ward,' anyway."

"I'm sure you mean the maternity ward."

To which the woman replied: "Upturn, intern; contamination, examination; fraternity, maternity.... What's the difference? All I know is I haven't demonstrated in two months, and I think I'm stagnant."


----------



## SINC

An oldie, but a goodie, Doug! I had nearly forgotten that one!

Cheers


----------



## MACSPECTRUM

True bravery (maybe stupidity) is arriving home stinking drunk after a very late night out with the boys.....

Then.....being assaulted by your wife with a broom,

And still having the guts to ask:

"Are you cleaning, or were you flying somewhere?"


----------



## used to be jwoodget

What's the difference between the Vietnam War and the war in Iraq?

George W. Bush knew how to get out of the Vietnam War.

(attribution, Globe and Mail)


----------



## Dr.G.

Jim, sad, but all too true.


----------



## used to be jwoodget

After numerous rounds of "We don't even know if Osama is still 
alive", Osama himself decided to send the President a letter in his own handwriting to let him know he was still in the game.

Bush opened the letter and it appeared to contain a coded message:

370HSSV-0773H

The President was baffled, so he typed it out and e-mailed it to Dick Cheney.

Cheney and his advisors had no clue either so they sent it to the NSA cryptographic division.

The NSA replied both quickly and tartly, "Tell the President he is 
looking at the message upside down."

(Attribution - Your Mac Life)


----------



## Dr.G.

"Vaughn Meader, who gained instant fame satirizing the presidency of John F. Kennedy in the multimillion-selling album "The First Family," died Friday at the age of 68. When it came out in late 1962, poking gentle fun at JFK's wealth, large family and "vigah," "The First Family" became the fastest-selling record of its time, racking up 7.5 million copies and winning the Grammy for album of the year.

Compared with today's bare-knuckled political humor, the satire was tame, but it tickled the funnybone of the Kennedy-obsessed public."


----------



## SINC

used to be jwoodget, had you looked at page 7 of this thread, you would see I posted the same joke.

Cheers


----------



## Dr.G.

Sinc, imitation is a show of respect. Just ask Uncle Miltie.


----------



## used to be jwoodget

Apologies Sinc. I missed it - it was rather prescient of you with todays video. I've a steering wheel in my pants and its driving me.....







Oh, that's been posted too....


----------



## MACSPECTRUM

Twenty-eight years ago, Herman James, a Tennessee Mountain man, was drafted by the Army. 

On his first day of boot camp, the Army issued him a toothbrush. That afternoon, an Army dentist yanked several of his teeth.

On his second day, the Army issued him a comb. That afternoon, an Army barber sheared his head. 

On his third day, he was issued a jock strap. 
The Army is still looking for him.


----------



## Dr.G.

I heard a variation of this joke when I was teaching in Waycross, Georgia. Back then, the man came from near where I was teaching, the Okeefenokee Swamp.


----------



## SINC

In Africa, every morning a gazelle awakens knowing that it must outrun the fastest lion if it wants to stay alive. Every morning, a lion wakes up knowing it must run faster than the slowest gazelle or it will starve to death.

Moral of the story:
It makes no difference whether you are a gazelle or a lion: When the sun comes up, you had better be hauling ass.

Cheers


----------



## The Doug

A married couple in their early 60s were out celebrating their 35th wedding anniversary in a quiet, romantic little restaurant.

Suddenly, a tiny fairy appeared at their table and said, "For being such an exemplary married couple, and for being faithful to each other for all this time, I will grant you each a wish."

"Ooh, I want to travel around the world with my darling husband," said the wife.

The fairy moved her magic stick and said, _"Abracadabra!"_ Two tickets for the new QE2 luxury liner appeared in her hands.

Now, it was the husband's turn. He thought for a moment and said, "Well, this is all very romantic, but an opportunity like this only occurs once in a lifetime, so, I'm sorry my love, but my wish is to have a wife 30 years younger than me."

The wife and fairy were deeply disappointed, but a wish is a wish...

So the fairy made a circle with her magic stick and - _abracadabra!_ - the husband became 92 years old.


----------



## SINC

World's Thinnest Books:

HOW I SERVED MY COUNTRY - by Jane Fonda

MY BEAUTY SECRETS - by Janet Reno

MY SUPER BOWL HIGHLIGHTS - by Dan Marino

THINGS I LOVE ABOUT BILL - by Hillary Clinton

MY LITTLE BOOK OF PERSONAL HYGIENE - by Osama Bin Laden

THINGS I CANNOT AFFORD - by Bill Gates

THINGS I WOULD NOT DO FOR MONEY - by Dennis Rodman

MY WILD YEARS - by Al Gore

AMELIA EARHART'S GUIDE TO THE PACIFIC

AMERICA'S MOST POPULAR LAWYERS

DETROIT: a Travel Guide

A COLLECTION of MOTIVATIONAL SPEECHES - by Dr. J. Kevorkian

EVERYTHING MEN KNOW ABOUT WOMEN

EVERYTHING WOMEN KNOW ABOUT MEN

ALL THE MEN I HAVE LOVED BEFORE - by Ellen de Generes

GUIDE TO DATING ETIQUETTE - by Mike Tyson

SPOTTED OWL RECIPES - by the EPA

THE AMISH  PHONE DIRECTORY

MY PLAN TO FIND THE REAL KILLERS - by O. J. Simpson

THINGS I KNOW FOR SURE - by John F. Kerry

A GUIDE TO THE ENGLISH LANGUAGE - by George W. Bush

MY TENURE ON THE U. S. SUPREME COURT - by Hillary Clinton

And the world's Number One Thinnest Book, Drum Roll please

MY BOOK OF MORALS - by Bill Clinton
(with introduction by The Rev. Jessie Jackson)

Cheers



[ November 03, 2004, 09:35 PM: Message edited by: SINC ]


----------



## Dr.G.

Sinc, some were funny, some merely interesting. However, "HOW TO BUILD YOUR OWN AIRPLANE - by John Denver" was in bad taste. We could use a bit of his humanity and environmentalism just now. Just one man's opinion, my friend.


----------



## vacuvox

what about:

THREADS of CONSENSUS - compiled by Heart, ehMax + Chealion


----------



## SINC

Right you are Dr. G., I edited the post to remove the Denver item.

(If you did the same, it would be gone entirely)  

Cheers


----------



## Dr.G.

Good old, Sinc. Deep down, you are a true humanitarian. On the exterior, you are a fine husband, excellent writer, and overall good person. Paix, mon ami.


----------



## used to be jwoodget

There were also many, many French war heroes (WWI and WW2). Ask the allied airmen who were spirited to safety or the resistance fighters who confounded the German troops prior to D-Day or the French soldiers who served in the British army.

There is nothing gained by demeaning the gallantry of many.

I know it was a joke, but with poor timing with Remembrance Day in a weeks time. Lest We Forget.


----------



## SINC

That one is gone as well, UTBJ, sorry.

If this keeps up, there will be no list. I must read them more carefully and edit them for taste in future, but is was just intended to be a joke.

Cheers


----------



## used to be jwoodget

I like the rest Sinc!









What is George W. Bush eating tonight? Kerry Out.


----------



## Dr.G.

Bush has ordered the immediate closure of ALL Kerry-OK clubs and pubs.


----------



## iGeeK

That'd be a service to humanity, if true. Alas! It's only a jape!

iG/<


----------



## MaxPower

The blonde reported for her university final examination that consists of yes/no type questions. She takes her seat in the examination hall, stares at the question paper for five minutes and then, in a fit of inspiration, takes out her purse, removes a coin and starts tossing the coin, marking the answer sheet: Yes, for Heads, and No, for Tails. Within half an hour she is all done, whereas the rest of the class is still sweating it out. During the last few minutes she is seen desperately throwing the coin, muttering and sweating. The moderator, alarmed, approaches her and asks what is going on. "I finished the exam in half an hour, but now I'm rechecking my answers."


----------



## Dr.G.

MP, I tell my students a similar joke, although I leave out the mention that it is a "blond woman". I merely use the generic term "a student".


----------



## The Doug

A prison warden, addressing the three instigators of a failed prison riot, said, "I would like to know two things. First, Why did you revolt? Second, how did you get out of your cell?"

One of the three men stepped forward, "Warden, we rebelled because the food is awful."

"I see. And what did you use to break the bars?", the warden asked.

Replied the spokesman, "French Toast..."


----------



## SINC

An English professor told her students that there would be no excuse for not showing up for their final exam, except for serious injury, illness, or a death in the student's immediate family. 

A smartass jock in the back of the room asked, "What about extreme sexual exhaustion?" 

The entire class did its best to stifle their laughter. 

When silence was restored, the teacher smiled sympathetically at the student, shook her head, and sweetly said, "You can write with your other hand." 

Cheers


----------



## archangel

My goodness, Dr. G, do you really have students? Of what?


----------



## SINC

Sorry, double post


----------



## SINC

archangel, look here! 

Cheers


----------



## archangel

Thank you, Sinc.
Well, well, well, hmmm.


----------



## Dr.G.

Archangel, yes, I have taught a few students during my 28 years here at Memorial University. Since 1925, going back to the days of Memorial College, 13,800+ students have graduated with some sort of degree in education, going on to become teachers. In all my years at MUN, I have taught 6700+ students. Thus, I have taught one out of every two students who have ever graduated with some form of degree in education on a graduate or undergraduate level.







I am now teaching the children of some of my students. When I start getting the grandchildren of my former students then I shall know it is time to retire.


----------



## SINC

It's wise to remember how easily email -- this wonderful technology -- can be misused, sometimes unintentionally, with serious consequences. 

Consider the case of the Toronto man who left the snow-filled streets last winter for a vacation in Florida. His wife was on a business trip and was planning to meet him there the next day. When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a quick email. 

Unfortunately, when typing her address, he missed one letter, and his note was directed instead to an elderly preacher's wife whose husband had passed away only the day before. When the grieving widow checked her email, she took one look at the monitor, let out a piercing scream, and fell to the floor in a dead faint. 

At the sound, her family rushed into the room and saw this note on the screen: 

"Hi Dear, Just got checked in. Everything prepared for your arrival tomorrow. P.S. Sure is hot down here." 

Cheers


----------



## archangel

Dr. G: 
good Sinc has demonstrated that you are worthy of more respect than I've shown. I'm sorry.

Here is a really bad joke to show my good faith and willingness to share in the proceedings
A Jelly Bean walks into a bar and starts talking to a Smartie.
After a few beers the Smartie says, 'Ere, a bunch of us are heading to that new club - fancy tagging along?'
The Jelly Bean says, 'Sorry mate - I'm a soft centre. I always end up getting my head kicked in.'
So, the Smartie says, 'Don't worry about that - I'm a bit of a hard case. I'll look after you.'
The Jelly Bean thinks about it for a minute and says, 'Fair enough - as long as you'll look after me.' and off they go.
A bit later and after the guys have had a few beers in the club, three Vick's cough drops walk in.
As soon as he sees them, the Smartie hides under the table. The Vicks take one look at Jelly Bean and start kicking the jelly out of him, breaking bottles over his little jelly head, lamping him with little sugary chairs, and generally having a laugh. After a while they get bored and walk out.
The Jelly Bean pulls his battered Jelly Bean body over to the table and wipes his Jelly Bean blood up and turns to the Smartie and says, 'I thought you were going to look after me.'
I was, I was!' says the Smartie, 'but those Vicks are menthol.'";:


----------



## The Doug

A couple attended a seminar on the importance of communication in a marriage.

"It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other," the speaker said. Addressing the husband, the speaker asked, "Can you describe your wife's favorite flower?"

The man leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently and whispered, "It's Robin Hood, isn't it?


----------



## SINC

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower when the doorbell rings. After a few seconds of arguing over which one should go and answer the doorbell, the wife gives up, quickly wraps herself up in a towel and runs downstairs. 

When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next door neighbour. Before she could say a word, Bob says, "I'll give you $800 to drop that towel that you have on.

"After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob. After a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves. 

Confused, but excited about her good fortune, the woman wraps
back up in the towel and goes back upstairs. When she gets back to the bathroom, her husband asks from the shower, "Who was that?"

"It was our neighbour Bob," she replies. 

"Great!" the husband says, "Did he give you the $800 he owes me?"

Cheers


----------



## Dr.G.

Archangel, no need to feel "sorry". This is, after all, the "joke du jour" thread. I assume you meant to say "Or what?" in your questions, "My goodness, Dr. G, do you really have students? Of what?" Paix, mon ami.


----------



## Dr.G.

US Attorney General John Ashcroft was visiting an elementary school. After speaking for a few minutes he says, "I will now answer any questions you have." 

A little boy stood up and said, "I'm Timothy, and I have four questions:" 

1. How did Bush win the election with such a huge budget deficit? 

2. Why haven't you caught Osama bin Laden? 

3. Why are you considering an American Patriot Act II, "The Sequel", to limit civil liberties? 

4. Where ARE all the weapons of mass destruction in Iraq? 

Just then the bell rang and the kids rushed out to play. Upon their return, Mr. Ashcroft said, "I'm sorry we were interrupted. Now I will answer any questions you have." 

A little girl stood up and said, "I'm Julie, and I have six questions: 

1. How did Bush win the election with such a huge budget deficit? 

2. Why haven't you caught Osama bin Laden? 

3. Why are you considering an American Patriot Act II, "The Sequel", to limit civil liberties? 

4. Where ARE all the weapons of mass destruction in Iraq? 

5. Why did the bell ring twenty minutes early? 

6. Where is Timothy?


----------



## SINC

One Sunday morning, everyone in one bright, beautiful, tiny town got up early and went to the local church. Before the services started, the townspeople were sitting in their pews and talking about their lives, their families, etc. 

Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church. Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate. 

Soon everyone was evacuated from the church, except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew, not moving, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence. 

Now this confused Satan a bit, so he walked up to the man and said, "Don't you know who I am?" 

The man replied, "Yep, sure do." 

Satan asked, "Aren't you afraid of me?" 

"Nope, sure ain't," said the man. 

Satan was a little perturbed at this and queried, "Why aren't you afraid of me?" 

The man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for over 48 years now."

Cheers


----------



## Dr.G.

Sinc, luckily, you are a happily married man.


----------



## Codger

November 3, 2004 CANADA REPORTS HUGE JUMP IN IMMIGRATION

Over 55,000,000 Requests for Citizenship Since Tuesday Night

Canadian immigration officials have reported a huge increase
in the number of requests for Canadian citizenship in the
past twenty-four hours, with over fifty-five million such inquiries
pouring in since late Tuesday night.

Of those fifty-five million requests, well over 99.99% of
them came from U.S. citizens, the lion's share residing in
such states as New York, California, Massachusetts, Oregon, Washington,
Pennsylvania, New Jersey, Vermont, Maine, Rhode Island, Connecticut,
Delaware, Maryland, and the District of Columbia.

Canadian Foreign Affairs Minister Pierre Pettigrew said that
he was "flabbergasted" by the fifty-five-million-plus
requests for Canadian citizenship, adding that it was
difficult to pinpoint the precise reasons for the staggering increase.

"My only theory is that after many years of exposure in the U.S., 
hockey
is finally starting to catch on," Mr. Pettigrew said.

He cautioned, however, that it is impossible to know exactly what is
sparking the sudden interest in America's frozen neighbor to the north:
"People answering our immigration hotline say that it is hard to
understand many of the American callers because they are sobbing
uncontrollably."

In other news, President Bush used his acceptance speech Wednesday to
reach out to supporters of Sen. John Kerry, telling them, "You can run,
but you can't hide."

Meanwhile, in his first statement since being voted out of office
Tuesday night, Senate Minority Leader Tom Daschle said, "Do you want
fries with that?"

Elsewhere, experts said that exit polls may have falsely predicted a
Kerry victory because Kerry voters exited while Bush voters stayed
behind and voted again.


----------



## Dr.G.

Don't laugh. A friend of mine is considering selling his land outside of Atlanta for $4million+ US, and moving to the west coast. He is quite liberal, so I told him to check out Salt Spring Island, since it is a "hot bed of liberalism" in Canada. "Macnutt meets his match" will read the headlines. We shall see.


----------



## Dr.G.

Not sure where to put this, but since I thought it was, at first, a joke, I shall put this here. What I find amazing that as an afterthought, the writer also mentions that Pres. Reagan and Henry Fonda will also get a stamp.









WASHINGTON - CP --A new series of U.S. stamps will be issued in 2005 featuring images of Kermit the Frog and the rest of the Muppet gang. 

Kermit – who appeared on Sesame Street and The Muppet Show before graduating to a career in film – was the creation of Jim Henson, who passed away in 1990. 


Miss Piggy, Kermit the Frog's sometime love, gets a stamp to herself. 
The series is a tribute to Henson's abilities as a creator of unique characters. 

"U.S. commemorative stamps portray individuals, subjects and events that are instrumental to the American experience," David Failor, executive director of stamp services for the Postal Service, told the Associated Press. 

In all, there are 11 Muppet stamps. Miss Piggy, Kermit's sometime love, gets a stamp of her own, as does the nonsense-spouting Swedish Chef, who was a supporting character on The Muppet Show known for his offbeat cooking techniques. The program debuted in 1976. 

Gonzo the Great, the blue-furred daredevil with the impossibly crooked nose, shares his stamp with a chicken. 

While it was often assumed that Gonzo was himself some sort of bird, it was revealed in the last Muppet movie, 1999's Muppets from Space, that he is an alien. 

The Muppet stamps, valued at 37 cents, will be issued in March. 

Kermit and his friends are not the first puppets to be featured on a U.S. stamp – that distinction belongs to Charlie McCarthy, who was featured alongside Edgar Bergen on a 1991 issue. 

Other people to be honoured with their own stamps next year include president Ronald Reagan and actor Henry Fonda.


----------



## SINC

A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while the were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work.

As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was. The girl replied, "I'm drawing God."

The teacher paused and said, "But no one knows what God looks like."

Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, "They will in a minute."

Cheers


----------



## Dr.G.

Good one, Sinc. It's like the song, "What color is God's skin?", with the answer, "It is black, brown, yellow, red and white, everyone is the same in the good Lord's sight." When I taught in Georgia, we had to have each class sing a religious song for the Easter assembly. My class was given "Were you there when they nailed Him to the cross". When I said that I did not know this song, my class voted to let me pick a religious song that I did know the words to, and this is what I selected. I won't go in to the reaction of many of the parents, but the kids liked this uplifting song.


----------



## SINC

With all the talk about teachers lately, I thought you might enjoy this one:

The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture.

"Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer, she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, He's a doctor.'

A small voice at the back of the room rang out, "And there's the teacher, She's dead."

Cheers


----------



## Dr.G.

Sinc, as one who is now teaching the children of my students when I first came to MUN, and watching some of the first students I taught now retiring, I do NOT find that last joke funny.  Just kidding. Out of the mouths of babes, as they say.


----------



## SINC

A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds.

After explaining the commandment to "honour" thy Father and thy Mother, she asked, "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?"

One little boy near the back, the oldest of a family answered, "Thou shall not kill."

Cheers


----------



## Dr.G.




----------



## MaxPower

Breaking news from Washington

WASHINGTON (Reuters) - A tragic fire on Tuesday night destroyed the personal library of President George W. Bush.

Both of his books have been lost.

A presidential spokesman said that the president was devastated, as he had not finished coloring in the second one.


----------



## Dr.G.

MP,















While I give the president a bit more credit, the idea that he is sitting in the same office as an academic like Woodrow Wilson brings out the sad reality of this joke.


----------



## The Doug

A deer and an antelope were out playing on the range. Suddenly the antelope stopped and perked up its ears, alarmed.

"What's wrong?" asked the deer. 

The antelope answered, "I thought I just heard a discouraging word."


----------



## Dr.G.

Doug, I think that it was more than a "discouraging word".


----------



## SINC

Two old guys, one 75 and one 87, were sitting on their usual park bench one morning.

The 87-year-old had just finished his morning jog and wasn't even short of breath.

The 75-year-old was amazed at his friend's stamina and asked him what he did to have so much energy.

The 87-year-old said, "Well, I eat rye bread every day. It keeps your energy level high and best of all, you'll have great stamina with the ladies."

So, on the way home, the 75-year-old stops in at the bakery. As he was looking around, the lady in the bakery asked if he needed help.

He asked, "Do you have any rye bread?"

She replied, "Yes, there's a whole shelf of it, would you like some?"

He said, "I want 5 loaves."

She said, "Five loaves? My goodness, it'll get hard before you use it!"

He replied, "Does everybody in the world know about this rye bread but ME?"

Cheers


----------



## SINC

A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, "Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face."

"Yes," the class said.

"Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?"

A little fellow shouted, "Cause your feet ain't empty."

Cheers


----------



## Cameo

Three handsome male dogs are walking down the street when they see a beautiful, enticing, female Poodle. 

The three male dogs fall all over themselves in 
an effort to be the one to reach her first, but end up arriving in front of her at the same time. 

The males are speechless before her beauty, slobbering on themselves and hoping for just a glance from her in return. 

Aware of her charms and her obvious effect on the three suitors, she decides to be kind and tells them, "The first one who can use the words 
'liver' and 'cheese' together in an imaginative, intelligent sentence can go out with me." 

The sturdy, muscular black Lab speaks up quickly and says, "I love liver and cheese." 
"Oh, how childish," said t he Poodle. "That shows no imagination or intelligence whatsoever." 

She turns to the tall, shiny Golden Retriever and says "How well can you do?" 
"Um. I HATE liver and cheese," blurts the Golden Retriever. 
"My, my," said the Poodle. "I guess it's hopeless. That's just as dumb as the Lab's sentence." 

She then turns to the last of the three dogs and says, "How about you, little guy?" 
The last of the three, tiny in stature but big in fame and finesse, is the Taco Bell Chihuahua. 

He gives her a smile, a sly wink, turns to the Golden Retriever and the Lab and says ...... 

(GET READY FOR THIS......) 


"Liver alone. Cheese mine."


----------



## Dr.G.

Good one, Cameo. As a dog lover, and one who speaks Spanish, it came across quite well. Have you ever considered doing a stand-up routine at the "What's up Dachs?" Comedy Club in The Shang??


----------



## MaxPower

More Engrish......


----------



## SINC

The weather was very hot and this man wanted desperately to take a dive in a nearby lake. He didn't bring his swimming outfit, but who cared? He was all alone. So he undressed and got into the water.

After some delightful minutes of cool swimming, a pair of old ladies walked onto the shore in his direction. He panicked, got out of the water and grabbed a bucket lying in the sand nearby. He held the bucket in front of his private parts and sighed with relief.

The ladies got nearby and looked at him. He felt awkward and wanted to move. Then one of the ladies said: 'You know , I have a special gift, I can read minds.'

'Impossible', said the embarrassed man, 'You really know what I think?'

'Yes', the lady replied, 'Right now, I bet you think that the bucket you're holding has a bottom.'

Cheers


----------



## Dr.G.

Sinc, you have FAR too much time on your hands. I shall send you one of the doxies so that you can become part of the Neighborhood Watch and Attack Dog Team.


----------



## iGeeK

Five Englishmen in an Audi Quattro arrive at the Italian border.
The Italian Customs agent stops them and says, "It's illegal to put five
people in a Quattro."
"What do you mean it's illegal?" ask the Englishmen.
"Quattro means four," replies the Italian official.
"Quattro is just the name of the automobile," the Englishmen retort
disbelievingly. "Look at the papers: this car is designed to carry five
persons."

"You can't pull that one on me," replies the Italian customs agent.
"Quattro means four. You have five people in your car and you are
therefore breaking the law."

The Englishman replies angrily, "You idiot! Call your supervisor over
-- I want to speak to someone with more intelligence!"

"Sorry," responds the Italian official, "he can't come. He's busy with
two guys in a Fiat Uno."


----------



## SINC

After his exam the doctor said to the elderly man,  "You appear to be in good health.  Do you have any medical concerns you would like to ask me about?"

"In fact,  I do,"  said the old man.  "After I have sex with my wife, the first time I am usually hot and sweaty,  and then,  after I have sex with her the second time, I am usually cold and chilly."

After examining his elderly wife, the doctor said,  "Everything appears to be fine.  Do you have any medical concerns that you would like to discuss with me?"

The lady replied that she had no questions or concerns. The doctor then said to her:  "Your husband had an unusual concern.  He claims that he is usually hot and sweaty after having sex with you the first time, and then cold and chilly after the second time. Do you know why?"

"Oh that crazy old fart,"  she replied. "That's because the first time is usually in July and the second time is in January"

Cheers


----------



## simon

A LADY walked into a drug store and told the pharmacist she needed some cyanide. The pharmacist said: "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"

The lady then explained she needed it to poison her husband. The pharmacist's eyes got big and he said: "Lord have mercy, I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband!

"That's against the law! They'll throw both of us in jail and I'll lose my license."

Then the lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife and handed it to pharmacist.

The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied: "Well now, you didn't tell me you had a prescription."


----------



## MacAndy

The pilot...

Airline pilot is at the doctor's office having his annual physical. Doctor goes through all the tests and finishes up with a survey. He goes through all of questions and gets to the last question on the survey - "When was the last time you had sex?"

The pilot thinks for a minute and replies "Uh, about 1957."

The doctor is shocked. "Really, THAT long ago?"

To which the pilot replies "What do mean, it's only 21:45 now!"

Hardee har har.

macandy
G5 1Gb/160Gb 20in
G4 PB400 512Mb/6Gb
and proud of it!


----------



## simon

Buddy and his girlfriend were making love in the back of his van when all of a sudden she shouted at him to whip her. "Find something to whip me with now! If you do it will be the best sex you have ever had" she screamed. So he opened the window, snapped off the aerial and started whipping her with it.

Three weeks later she went to the doctor and asked him to take a look at some infected cuts that she had on her back. The doctor said: "These are really badly infected.  I bet you got them making wild passionate love didn't you?''

"Yes" she replied, ''But how did you know that?'' she asked.

"Well, this is the worst case of van aerial disease I have ever seen".


----------



## SINC

Keep your Pfizer Stock!

Pfizer Corp. announced today that VIAGRA will soon be available in liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage, suitable for use as a mixer. It will now be possible for a man to  literally pour himself a stiff one.

Obviously we can no longer call this  a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of "cocktails", "highballs" and just a good old-fashioned "stiff drink." Pepsi will market the new concoction under the name of: "MOUNT & DO."

Cheers


----------



## simon

I saw six men kicking and punching my mother-in-law. 

My neighbour said: "Aren't you going to help?"

"Nope" I said, "six should be enough."


----------



## The Doug

A big-city lawyer was representing the railroad in a lawsuit filed by an old rancher. The rancher's prize bull was missing from the section through which the railroad passed. The rancher claimed that the bull must have been hit by the train, and wanted to be paid the fair value of the bull.

The case was scheduled to be tried before the justice of the peace in the back room of the general store.

As soon as the rancher showed up, the attorney for the railroad pulled him aside and tried to get him to settle out of court. The lawyer did his best selling job, and finally the rancher agreed to take half of what he was asking.

After the rancher had signed the release and took the check, the young lawyer couldn't resist gloating a little over his success, telling the rancher, "You know, I hate to tell you this, old man, but I put one over on you in there. I couldn't have won the case. The engineer was asleep and the fireman was in the caboose when the train went through your ranch that morning. I didn't have one witness to put on the stand. I bluffed you!"

The old rancher replied, "Well, I'll tell you, young feller, I was a little worried about winning that case myself, because that darned bull came home this morning."


----------



## The Doug

Unbelievable...


----------



## Dr.G.

Howver, this is the actual "vision".

http://edition.cnn.com/2004/US/11/16/ebay.sandwich.ap/index.html


----------



## The Doug

A nursery school teacher was delivering a station wagon full of kids home one day when a fire truck zoomed past. Sitting in the front seat of the fire truck was a Dalmatian dog. The children started discussing the dog's duties.

"They use him to keep crowds back," said one youngster.

"No," said another, "he's just for good luck."

A third child brought the arguments to a close. "They use the dogs", she said confidently, "to find the fire hydrant."


----------



## The Doug

From Dave Barry's column published last Sunday. 

All the news not fit to print

DAVE BARRY

_Today we have some urgent breaking news, defined as "news that happened at some point in the past year and we just now found out because we're way behind in our mail."

Our first breaking item, brought to our attention by alert reader Don Bovaird, is an alarming report in the May 28 Erie (Pa.) Times-News, which devoted most of its front page, and an entire inside page, to this story. What happened, in brief, was that an 18-year-old male got sick and defecated in... well, in his briefs. He then changed at a friend's house, put his soiled clothes in a black garbage bag, and threw the bag away.

Now in normal times, this would not be front-page news, even in Erie. But of course we do not live in normal times: We live in the Age of Stark Buttpuckering Terror. In fact, the day before the young man soiled his undies in Erie, U.S. Attorney General John Ashcroft had issued one of those vague yet at the same time unhelpful federal terrorism warnings that boil down to: "Be afraid! Be very afraid!"

So the nation was on High Random Fear Alert when the young man disposed of his poopy pants. Unfortunately, he elected to toss the garbage bag next to a municipal reservoir, where he was spotted by an Erie Water Works employee, who found the bag and reported it to the police, who closed all the streets in the area and called out the Bomb Squad and the Hazardous Materials Response Team. The Water Works department shut down the reservoir and warned the public to conserve water, a move that caused concerned residents to deluge the police with phone calls.

After several tense hours, police apprehended the young man, who told them what was in the garbage bag. This was confirmed by the Bomb Squad, and I think we can all agree that no matter how much those officers get paid, it is not enough. So life in Erie returned to normal for everybody except the young man, who is currently in a Guantanamo Bay cell surrounded by irate military dogs.

No, seriously, he faced minor charges, and we're sure he's doing just as well as you'd be doing if you were the subject of a front-page newspaper story informing the world that you managed to paralyze your city after doodifying your drawers. But let this story serve as a reminder to all of us: If we ever have a similar accident, we should NOT dispose of our underwear in a careless manner. Instead, we should -- to quote U.S. Department of Homeland Security director Tom Ridge -- "mail it to whoever is responsible for the TV show Wife Swap."_


----------



## simon

Two cowboys from Texas walk into a roadhouse to wash the trail dust from their throats. They stand at the bar drinking and talking about current cattle prices. Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough. After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress.

One of the cowboys looks at her and says, "Kin ya swaller?" The woman shakes her head, no. "Kin ya breathe?" The woman begins to turn blue and shakes her head. The cowboy walks over to the woman, lifts up the back of her dress and runs his tongue all over her buttocks in a circular motion. The woman is so shocked, that she has a violent spasm and the obstruction flies out of her mouth. 

As she begins to breathe again, the cowboy walks slowly back to the bar and takes a drink from his beer. His partner says, "Ya know, I'd heard of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver,' but I ain't never seen nobody do it."


----------



## The Doug

Two mothers were talking about their sons.

The first said, "My son is such a saint. He works hard, doesn't smoke, and he hasn't so much as looked at a woman in over two years."

The other woman said, "Well, my son is a saint himself. Not only hasn't he not looked at a woman in over three years, but he hasn't touched a drop of liquor in all that time."

"My word," the first mother said. "You must be so proud."

"I am," the second mother replied. "And when he's paroled next month, I'm going to throw him a big party."


----------



## Lawrence

HEAVENLY REWARD: 

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the  pearly 
gates. "In honor of this holy season," Saint Peter said,  "you must each 
possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven." 

The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter.  He 
flicked it on.  "It represents a candle," he said. 

"You may pass through the pearly gates,"  Saint Peter said. 

The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys.   He 
shook them and said,  "They're bells." 

Saint Peter said you may pass through the pearly gates. 

The third man started searching desperately through his pockets  and finally 
pulled out a pair of women's panties. 

St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked,  "And just what 
do those symbolize?" 

The man replied,  "They're Carols."


----------



## Lawrence

Married for sixty years

The couple was 85 years old, and had been married for sixty years. Though they were far from rich, they managed to get by because they watched their pennies. Though not young, they were both in very good health, largely due to the wife's insistence on healthy foods and exercise for the last decade. One day, their good health didn't help when they went on a rare vacation and their plane crashed, sending them off to Heaven.

 

They reached the pearly gates, and St. Peter escorted them inside. He took them to a beautiful mansion, furnished in gold and fine silks, with a fully stocked kitchen and a waterfall in the master bath. A maid could be seen hanging their favourite clothes in the closet. They gasped in astonishment when he said, "Welcome to Heaven. This will be your home now."

 

The old man asked Peter how much all this was going to cost. "Why, nothing," Peter replied, "remember, this is your reward in Heaven." The old man looked out the window and right there he saw a championship golf course, finer and more beautiful than any ever built on Earth.

 

"What are the greens fees?" grumbled the old man. "This is heaven," St. Peter replied. "You can play for free, every day."

 

Next they went to the clubhouse and saw the lavish buffet lunch, with every imaginable cuisine laid out before them, from seafood to steaks to exotic deserts, free flowing beverages. "Don't even ask," said St. Peter to the man. "This is Heaven, it is all free for you to enjoy." The old man looked around and glanced nervously at his wife.

 

"Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol foods, and the decaffeinated tea?" he asked. "That's the best part," St. Peter replied. "You can eat and drink as much as you like of whatever you like, and you will never get fat or sick. This IS Heaven!"

 

The old man pushed, "No gym to work out at?" "Not unless you want to," was the answer. "No testing my sugar or blood pressure or..." Never again. All you do here is enjoy yourself."

 

The old man glared at his wife and said, "You and your damn bran muffins. We could have been here ten years ago!"


----------



## vacuvox

humour for chemistry buffs:

The following is supposedly an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry mid-term. The answer by one student was so "profound" that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well.

Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.

One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave.

Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today.  Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell.

With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.

This gives two possibilities:

1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.

2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

So which is it?

If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, " it will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you", and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number 2 must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over.

The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct .. leaving only Heaven, and thereby proving the existence of a devine being, which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting, "Oh my God."

THIS STUDENT RECEIVED THE ONLY "A"


----------



## MacNoob

And physics buffs (I like this one even though it is an urban legend that it was ever used on an exam):

The following concerns a question in a physics degree exam at the University of Copenhagen:

"Describe how to determine the height of a skyscraper with a barometer."

One student replied:

"You tie a long piece of string to the neck of the barometer, then lower the barometer from the roof of the skyscraper to the ground. The length of the string plus the length of the barometer will equal the height of the building."

This highly original answer so incensed the examiner that the student was failed immediately. The student appealed on the grounds that his answer was indisputably correct, and the university appointed an independent arbiter to decide the case.

The arbiter judged that the answer was indeed correct, but did not display any noticeable knowledge of physics. To resolve the problem it was decided to call the student in and allow him six minutes in which to provide a verbal answer that showed at least a minimal familiarity with the basic principles of physics.

For five minutes the student sat in silence, forehead creased in thought. The arbiter reminded him that time was running out, to which the student replied that he had several extremely relevant answers, but couldn't make up his mind which to use. On being advised to hurry up the student replied as follows:

"Firstly, you could take the barometer up to the roof of the skyscraper, drop it over the edge, and measure the time it takes to reach the ground. The height of the building can then be worked out from the formula H = 0.5g x t squared. But bad luck on the barometer."

"Or if the sun is shining you could measure the height of the barometer, then set it on end and measure the length of its shadow. Then you measure the length of the skyscraper's shadow, and thereafter it is a simple matter of proportional arithmetic to work out the height of the skyscraper."

"But if you wanted to be highly scientific about it, you could tie a short piece of string to the barometer and swing it like a pendulum, first at ground level and then on the roof of the skyscraper. The height is worked out by the difference in the gravitational restoring force T =2 pi sqr root (l /g)."

"Or if the skyscraper has an outside emergency staircase, it would be easier to walk up it and mark off the height of the skyscraper in barometer lengths, then add them up."

"If you merely wanted to be boring and orthodox about it, of course, you could use the barometer to measure the air pressure on the roof of the skyscraper and on the ground, and convert the difference in millibars into feet to give the height of the building."

"But since we are constantly being exhorted to exercise independence of mind and apply scientific methods, undoubtedly the best way would be to knock on the janitor's door and say to him 'If you would like a nice new barometer, I will give you this one if you tell me the height of this skyscraper'."

The student was Niels Bohr, the only Dane to win the Nobel Prize for physics.


----------



## The Doug

The lion was proud of his mastery of the animal kingdom. One day he decided to make sure all the other animals knew he was king of the jungle. He was so confident that he bypassed the smaller animals and went straight to the bear.

"Who is the king of the jungle?" the lion asked.

"Why, of course, you are," the bear replied. The lion gave a mighty roar of approval.

Next he asked the tiger, "Who is the king of the jungle?"

The tiger quickly responded, "Everyone knows that YOU are, oh mighty lion."

Next on the list was the elephant. "Who is the king of the jungle?" the lion asked.

The elephant immediately grabbed the lion with his trunk, whirled him around in the air five or six times and slammed him into a tree. Then he pounded him onto the ground several times, dunked him under water in a nearby lake and finally dumped him out on the shore.

The lion - beaten, bruised and battered - struggled to his feet.

"Look," he told the elephant, "just because you don't know the answer is no reason to get upset."


----------



## SINC

An elderly fella went to the doctor and came home looking dejected.

"Whatever is wrong", asked his wife.

"The doctor said I have to take a pill every day for the rest of my life", he moaned.

"Is that all?" said his wife. "Lots of people have to take a pill every day for the rest of their lives."

"Right," said the husband. "But he only gave me four!"

Cheers


----------



## SINC

SENIOR PICK-UP LINE

An elderly gentleman, in his mid 90's, with hair well groomed, a great looking suit, a flower in his lapel, smelling slightly of a very nice after shave, and presenting a well-cared-for image, walks into an upscale cocktail lounge.

Seated at the bar, an elderly lady, mid 80's, also well dressed and attractive is sitting alone.

The gentleman walks over, sits down beside her, orders a drink, takes a sip, turns to her and says....

"So tell me, do I come here often?"

Cheers


----------



## Dr.G.

Sinc, tell me that you are not the ghost of a Christmas yet to be? This need not be in our future, n'est pas??????????????????


----------



## SINC

Dear President Bush,

Thank you for doing so much to educate people regarding God's Law.  I have learned a great deal from you and understand why you would propose and support a constitutional amendment banning same sex marriage. As you said "in the eyes of God marriage is based between a man and a woman." I try to share that knowledge with as many people as I can. When someone tries to defend the homosexual lifestyle, for example, I simply remind them that Leviticus 18: 22 clearly states it to be an abomination. End of debate.

I do need some advice from you, however, regarding some other elements of God's Laws and how to follow them.

1. Leviticus 25: 44 states that I may possess slaves, both male and female, provided they are purchased from neighboring nations. A friend of mine claims that this applies to Mexicans, but not Canadians. Can you clarify? Why can't I own Canadians?

2. I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as sanctioned in Exodus 21: 7. In this day and age, what do you think would be a fair price for her?

3. I know that I am allowed no contact with a woman while she is in her period of menstrual uncleanness - Lev. 15: 19-24. The problem is how do I tell? I have tried asking, but most women take offense.

4. When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know it creates a pleasing odor for the Lord - Lev. 1: 9. The problem is, my neighbors. They claim the odor is not pleasing to them. Should I smite them?

5. I have a neighbor who insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus 35: 2. Clearly states he should be put to death. Am I morally obligated to kill him myself, or should I ask the police to do it?

6. A friend of mine feels that even though eating shellfish is an abomination - Lev. 11: 10, it is a lesser abomination than homosexuality. I don't agree. Can you settle this? Are there degrees' of abomination?

7. Lev. 21: 20 states that I may not approach the altar of God if I have a defect in my sight. I have to admit that I wear reading glasses. Does my vision have to be 20/20, or is there some wiggle-room here?

8. Most of my male friends get their hair trimmed, including the hair around their temples, even though this is expressly forbidden by Lev. 19:27. How should they die?

9. I know from Lev. 11: 6-8 that touching the skin of a dead pig makes me unclean, but may I still play football if I wear gloves?

10. My uncle has a farm. He violates Lev. 19: 19 by planting two different crops in the same field, as does his wife by wearing garments made of two different kinds of thread (cotton/polyester blend). He also tends to curse and blaspheme a lot. Is it really necessary that we go to all the trouble of getting the whole town together to stone them? Lev. 24: 10-16. Couldn't we just burn them to death at a private family affair, like we do with people who sleep with their in-laws? (Lev. 20: 14)

I know you have studied these things extensively and thus enjoy considerable expertise in such matters, so I am confident you can help.

Thank you again for reminding us that God's word is eternal and unchanging.

Cheers


----------



## Dr.G.

From: GWB
To: Sinc
Re: Your questions

Thank you for this letter of support. A fundraiser shall visit you shortly to work out the details of our "agreement" (hint, hint).

With regards to your questions --

1)You may not own Canadian slaves because they are too well educated, and an educated person makes for a poor slave.

2) $1,313 US

3) Ask your daughter about this just before you sell her into bondage.

4) By all means "smite them", unless they are Ralph Klein conservatives.

5) If the person is working on the Muslim or Jewish Sabbath, then you may smite him or her. If the person is working on a Sunday, keep in mind that the Christmas season is upon us, and show some Christian charity.

6) Yes, there ARE degrees of abomination, just so long as the degree is not from Yale. 

7) There is NO "wiggle-room here". 

8) Use your imagination on this one.

9) This was some Jewish/Muslim rule, and was established long before the Dallas Cowboys became America's team in America's sport. Don't worry about this rule.

10) Say goodbye to your uncle, unless he is a supporter of Ralph Klein.


I trust that this answers all of your questions. Thank you again for your support. You are a fine patriot and I shall pass your name on to the new Regional Governor of the State of Canada, one Gerald Moses Macnutt.

Respectfully submitted,
George W.


----------



## Dr.G.

FLU VACCINE

In recent negotiations for influenza vaccine between a Canadian health official and an American representative, it was clear that there was a disconnection between the American government's sudden reliance on Canada for flu vaccine despite the fact that the U.S. has discouraged Americans from buying routine prescription drugs from Canadian pharmacies.

Not seeing the irony of the request, the American continued to press for the vaccine, and then demanded to know why the United States would be charged for the vaccine while Canadians get their innoculations "for free." 

The Canadian official replied, "Oh it's not free, our government pays for it for Canadians covered under our National Health Care Program." 

"Well then," the American replied, "How much will it cost us?" 

The Canadian slowly replied, "Well, we aren't sure yet. We'll let you know." 

In frustration, the American responded, "Well, our people need it very urgently, so just send an invoice with the shipment. By the way, how will the vaccine be delivered?" 

After careful consideration, the Canadian official replied, "By cow. Twenty vials of vaccine will be tied around the neck of every cow that passes over the border. However, if you want faster delivery, there may be some softwood lumber trucks available to transport it."


----------



## don

BLIND PILOTS

Passengers on a small commuter plane are waiting for the flight to leave. They're getting a little impatient, but the airport staff assures them that the pilots will be there soon, and the flight can take off.

The entrance opens, and two men dressed in pilot's uniforms walk up the aisle. Both are wearing dark glasses, one is using a seeing-eye dog, and the other is tapping his way up the aisle with a cane.

Nervous laughter spreads through the cabin but the men enter the cockpit, the door closes, and the engines start up.

The passengers begin glancing nervously around, searching for some sign that this is just a little practical joke. None is forthcoming.

The plane moves faster and faster down the runway, and the people at the windows realise that they're headed straight for the water at the edge of the airport territory.

As it begins to look as though the plane will plough into the water, panicked screams fill the cabin. At that moment, the plane lifts smoothly into the air.

The passengers relax and laugh a little sheepishly, and soon all retreat into their magazines, secure in the knowledge that the plane is in good hands.

In the cockpit, the co-pilot turns to the pilot and says, "You know, Bob, one of these days, they're gonna scream too late, and we're all gonna die."

don


----------



## Guinness

Speaking of brother Bush ...



> Bush meets the Queen of England
> 
> George Bush meets with the Queen of England.
> He asks her, "Your Majesty, how do you run such an efficient government?
> Are there any tips you can give to me?"
> 
> "Well," says the Queen,
> "the most important thing is to surround yourself with intelligent people."
> 
> Bush frowns.
> "But how do I know the people around me are really intelligent?"
> 
> The Queen takes a sip of tea.
> "Oh, that's easy. You just ask them to answer an intelligent riddle."
> The Queen pushes a button on her intercom.
> "Please send Tony Blair in here, would you?"
> 
> Tony Blair walks into the room.
> "Yes, my Queen?"
> The Queen smiles.
> "Answer me this, please, Tony. Your mother and father have a child. It is not your brother and it is not your sister.
> Who is it?"
> 
> Without pausing for a moment, Tony Blair answers,
> "That would be me."
> 
> "Yes! Very good," says the Queen.
> 
> Bush goes back home to ask Dick Cheney the same question.
> 
> "Dick. Answer this for me. Your mother and your father have a child. It's not your brother and it's not your sister. Who is it?"
> 
> "I'm not sure," says Dick Cheney.
> "Let me get back to you on that one."
> 
> Cheney goes to his advisors and asks every one, but none can give him an answer.
> Finally, he ends up in the men's room and recognizes Colin
> Powell's shoes in the next stall.
> Cheney shouts,
> "Colin! Can you answer this for me? Your mother and father have a child and it's not your brother or your sister.
> Who is it?"
> Colin Powell yells back, "That's easy.. It's me!"
> 
> Cheney smiles, and says, "Thanks!"
> Then, Cheney goes back to speak with Bush.
> "Say, I did some research and I have the answer to that riddle.
> It's Colin Powell."
> 
> Bush gets up, stomps over to Cheney,
> and angrily yells into his
> face, "No, you idiot! It's Tony Blair!"


----------



## Dr.G.

The flood of American liberals sneaking across the border into Canada has intensified in the past week, sparking calls for increased patrols to stop the illegal immigration. The re-election of President Bush is prompting the exodus among left-leaning citizens who fear they'll soon be required to hunt, pray and agree with Bill O'Reilly. Canadian border farmers say it's not uncommon to see dozens of sociology professors, animal-rights activists and Unitarians crossing their fields at night.

"I went out to milk the cows the other day, and there was a Hollywood producer huddled in the barn," said Manitoba farmer Red Greenfield, whose acreage borders North Dakota. The producer was cold, exhausted and hungry. "He asked me if I could spare a latte and some free-range chicken. When I said I didn't have any, he left. Didn't even get a chance to show him my screenplay, eh?"

In an effort to stop the illegal aliens, Greenfield erected higher fences, but the liberals scaled them. So he tried installing speakers that blare Rush Limbaugh across the fields. "Not real effective," he said. "The liberals still got through, and Rush annoyed the cows so much they wouldn't give milk."

Officials are particularly concerned about smugglers who meet liberals near the Canadian border, pack them into Volvo station wagons, drive them across the border and leave them to fend for themselves. "A lot of these people are not prepared for rugged conditions," an
Ontario border patrolman said. "I found one carload without a drop of drinking water. They did have a nice little Napa Valley cabernet, though."

When liberals are caught, they're sent back across the border, often wailing loudly that they fear retribution from conservatives. Rumors have been circulating about the Bush administration establishing re-education camps in which liberals will be forced to drink domestic beer and watch NASCAR..

In the days since the election, liberals have turned to sometimes-ingenious ways of crossing the border. Some have taken to posing as senior citizens on bus trips to buy cheap Canadian prescription drugs. After catching a half-dozen young vegans disguised in powdered wigs, Canadian immigration authorities began stopping buses and quizzing the supposed senior-citizen passengers. "If they can't identify the accordion player on The Lawrence Welk Show, we get suspicious about their age," an official said.

Canadian citizens have complained that the illegal immigrants are creating and organic-broccoli shortage and renting all the good Susan Sarandon movies. "I feel sorry for American liberals, but the Canadian economy just can't support them," an Ottawa resident said. "How many art-history majors does one country need?"

In an effort to ease tensions between the United States and Canada, Vice President Dick Cheney met with the Canadian ambassador and pledged that the administration would take steps to reassure liberals, a source close to Cheney said. "We're going to have some Peter, Paul & Mary concerts. And we might put some endangered species on postage stamps. The president is determined to reach out."


----------



## SINC

This will warm your heart. Just when you have lost faith in human kindness: 

This letter was sent to the principal's office after an elementary school had sponsored a luncheon for the elderly. An old lady had received a new radio at the lunch as a door prize, and was writing to say thank you. This story is a credit to all human kind. 

Dear Faculty and Students: 

God bless you for the beautiful radio I won at your recent senior citizens' luncheon. I am 84 years old and live at an Assisted Home for the Aged. All of my family has passed away. I am all alone now and it's nice to know someone is thinking of me. God bless you for your kindness to an old forgotten lady. 

My roommate is 95 and always had her own radio. Before I received this one, she would never let me listen to hers, even when she was napping. 

The other day, her radio fell off the night stand and broke into a lot of little pieces. It was awful and she was in tears. She asked if she could listen to mine, and I said @#&$ you!

Thank you for that opportunity. 

Sincerely, Agnes.

Cheers


----------



## The Doug




----------



## The Doug




----------



## Dr.G.

Doug, had one of my doxies read the dog section of this sign. It says, "Aren't humans well trained to pick up after us???"


----------



## iPetie

Thought this was pretty funny!

NEW EVENING CLASSES FOR MEN!!!

ALL ARE WELCOME
OPEN TO MEN ONLY

Note: due to the complexity and level of difficulty, each course will accept a maximum of eight participants

The course covers two days, and topics covered in this course include:


DAY ONE 

HOW TO FILL ICE CUBE TRAYS
Step by step guide with slide presentation

TOILET ROLLS- DO THEY GROW ON THE HOLDERS?
Roundtable discussion

DIFFERENCES BETWEEN LAUNDRY BASKET & FLOOR
Practicing with hamper (Pictures and graphics)

DISHES & SILVERWARE; DO THEY LEVITATE/FLY TO KITCHEN SINK OR DISHWASHER BY THEMSELVES?
Debate among a panel of experts.

LOSS OF VIRILITY
Losing the remote control to your significant other - Help line and support groups

LEARNING HOW TO FIND THINGS
Starting with looking in the right place instead of turning the house upside down while screaming - Open forum


DAY TWO

EMPTY MILK CARTONS; DO THEY BELONG IN THE FRIDGE OR THE BIN?
Group discussion and role play

HEALTH WATCH; BRINGING HER FLOWERS IS NOT HARMFUL TO YOUR HEALTH
PowerPoint presentation

REAL MEN ASK FOR DIRECTIONS WHEN LOST
Real life testimonial from the one man who did

IS IT GENETICALLY IMPOSSIBLE TO SIT QUIETLY AS SHE PARALLEL PARKS?
Driving simulation

LIVING WITH ADULTS; BASIC DIFFERENCES BETWEEN YOUR MOTHER AND YOUR PARTNER
Online class and role playing

HOW TO BE THE IDEAL SHOPPING COMPANION
Relaxation exercises, meditation and breathing techniques

REMEMBERING IMPORTANT DATES & CALLING WHEN YOU'RE GOING TO BE LATE
Bring your calendar or PDA to class

GETTING OVER IT; LEARNING HOW TO LIVE WITH BEING WRONG ALL THE TIME
Individual counsellors available


----------



## Dr.G.

Good one, iPetie. A bit insulting to some men, but still humerous. Of course, "GETTING OVER IT; LEARNING HOW TO LIVE WITH BEING WRONG ALL THE TIME" will come a bit easier for some of us knowing that we have been trained by the Master of Continual Correctness -- Macnutt.


----------



## The Doug




----------



## iPetie

Yes Dr G,
A little insulting to some men but the coarse content is extensive and, I would suggest more geared toward the beginner. A brush up for the some and rehab for others.


----------



## Dr.G.

iPetie, I do most of the cooking, dishes and laundry in our house, with my wife being able to do an outstanding job of baking and cooking complex meals.


----------



## SINC

My wife and I share the cooking and I do the dishes, but laundry is not on my list.

Cheers


----------



## The Doug




----------



## Pelao

> My wife and I share the cooking and I do the dishes, but laundry is not on my list.
> 
> Cheers


Me too: I can do laundry, but apparently not very well.

Love to cook, and cleaning is no problem.

Directions now, are a different matter. I don't ask, because I don't need to. I love to navigate. maps are fascinating. Really.


----------



## SINC

Brad, a guy on the local beach just couldn't make progress with any of the girls, so he heads over to the guard tower to see if the lifeguard has any advice for him. 

"Dude, it's obvious," says the lifeguard, "you're wearing those baggy swim trunks that make you look like an old geezer. Grab yourself a pair of Speedos, about two sizes too small, and drop a fist-sized potato inside. I'm telling you, man, you'll have all the babes you want!" 

The following weekend, Brad hits the beach with his new Speedos, and his fist-sized potato and it's even worse than before. Everybody on the beach acts disgusted as he walks by, covering their faces, turning away, laughing, looking sick. 

So, he goes back to the lifeguard and asks him, "What's wrong now?"

"Dude!" says the lifeguard, "The potato goes in front!"

Cheers


----------



## The Doug

Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for company. One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest and asked, "Father, my dog is dead. Could ya' be sayin' a mass for the poor creature?"

Father Patrick replied, "I'm afraid not; we cannot have services for an animal in the church. But there is a new denomination down the lane, and there's no tellin' what they believe. Maybe they'll do something for the creature."

Muldoon said, "I'll go right away Father. Do ya' think $5,000 is enough to donate for the service?"

Father Patrick exclaimed, "Sweet Mary! Why didn't ya' tell me the dog was Catholic?"


----------



## The Doug

Not a joke - but I find this kind of humorous, and I didn't want to start a whole new thread for it...


_NORFOLK Naval Air Station Virginia - One of the military's largest transports got stuck at the end of a runway atop the I-564 overpass for more than 16 hours. It was unable to turn around at the west end of Chambers Field at the Norfolk Naval Station. The incident forced the closing of the field to all but helicopter traffic and made for a dramatic sight for hundreds of motorists passing beneath it during morning rush hour. 

"That thing's like a big building sitting there," said motorists. The nose of the aircraft actually stuck out and OVER the Interstate! 

The aircraft's nose was so far over the end of the ramp, the crew was unable to see the runway where it was supposed to turn around so the pilot simply had to leave it at the end of the runway. The Air Force C-5 Galaxy, largest airplane in the free world, is almost as long as a football field and as high as a six-story building. 

Weighing 420 tons with a full load, it uses a system of 28 wheels to distribute its weight. The aircraft had to wait for a specially made tow bar trucked in from Dover, Delaware. When the tow bar arrived, it was used to hook the C-5 to a tractor that then turned the aircraft around. The plane was not damaged._


----------



## Carex

A Canadian Christmas…

A man in Newfoundland calls his son in Fort McMurray two days before Christmas and says, “I hate to ruin your holiday, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough.”

“Pop, what are you talking about?” the son screams. 

“We can’t stand the sight of each other any longer,” the father says. “We’re sick of each other, and I’m sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Vancouver and tell her.”

Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. “There is no way they are getting divorced!” she shouts, “I’ll take care of this.”

She calls Newfoundland immediately and screams at her father, “You are not getting divorced. Don’t do a single thing until I get there. I’m calling my brother back, and we’ll both be there by tomorrow. Until then, don’t do a thing. DO YOU HEAR ME?” and hangs up.

The old man hangs up the phone and turns to his wife. “Okay,” he says, “they’re coming for Christmas and paying their own way.”


----------



## youngbd1

Hmm. Thanks for the "heads up".


----------



## MACSPECTRUM

Passengers on a small commuter plane are waiting for the flight to leave. They're getting a little impatient, but the airport staff assures them that the pilots will be there soon, and the flight can take off.

The entrance opens, and two men dressed in pilot's uniforms walk up the aisle. Both are wearing dark glasses, one is using a seeing-eye dog, and the other is tapping his way up the aisle with a cane.

Nervous laughter spreads through the cabin but the men enter the cockpit, the door closes, and the engines start up.

The passengers begin glancing nervously around, searching for some sign that this is just a little practical joke. None is forthcoming.

The plane moves faster and faster down the runway, and the people at the windows realise that they're headed straight for the water at the edge of the airport territory.

As it begins to look as though the plane will plough into the water, panicked screams fill the cabin. At that moment, the plane lifts smoothly into the air.

The passengers relax and laugh a little sheepishly, and soon all retreat into their magazines, secure in the knowledge that the plane is in good hands.

In the cockpit, the co-pilot turns to the pilot and says, "You know, Bob, one of these days, they're gonna scream too late, and we're all gonna die."


----------



## MACSPECTRUM

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time.

Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. The pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex.

At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.

That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!"

The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head.

A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down.

10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy.

Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious."

The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist.


----------



## The Doug

The teenager lost a contact lens while playing basketball in his driveway. After a fruitless search, he told his mother the lens was nowhere to be found. Undaunted, she went outside and in a few minutes returned with the lens in her hand.

"How did you manage to find it, Mom?" the teenager asked.

"We weren't looking for the same thing," she replied. "You were looking for a small piece of plastic. I was looking for $150."


----------



## SINC

A bus carrying only ugly people crashes into an oncoming truck, and everyone inside dies. When they get to meet their maker, because of the grief they have experienced, he decides to grant them one wish each before they enter Paradise.

They're all lined up, and God asks the first one what the wish is. "I want to be gorgeous," and so God snaps His fingers, and it is done. 

The second one in line hears this and says "I want to be gorgeous, too."  Another snap of His fingers and the wish is granted.

This goes on for a while but when God is halfway down the line, the last guy in the line starts laughing. When there are only ten people left, this guy is rolling on the floor, laughing his head off.

Finally, God reaches this guy and asks him what his wish will be. The guy eventually calms down and says: "Make 'em all ugly again".

So, the next time you're last in line, consider yourself blessed!
 
Cheers


----------



## The Doug

An amusing little Christmas cartoon. I'm providing just a link instead of posting the actual image because it bears the F-word:

http://srv.fotopages.com/2/3351098.jpg


----------



## Lawrence

Some light reading:

http://www.darwinawards.com/index.html

Dave


----------



## Dr.G.

A neighbor, who is an avid big game hunter here in NL (e.g., moose and caribou), wanted to put my name into the lottery for a big game hunting permit. I do not like guns, so I declined. He asked if my wife would let her name be put in the pool. She declined. I did agree to let Rootie, the most vicious of our Fearsome Foursome have his name put into the draw. Guess who got lucky last week???? Now, my neighbor has to teach Rootie how to shoot a shotgun to fulfill the regulations for the hunting permit.

Rootie, as it turns out, is a natural born killer, and was great with a gun. The folks down at the Rod and Reel Gun Club gave Rootie and new nickname -- ""Quick Paw McGraw"


----------



## SINC

A 65 year old man went to the doctor for his Class II exam and the doctor was amazed at what good shape the guy was in.  The doctor asked, "To what do you attribute your good health?"

The old timer said, "I'm a helicopter pilot and that's why I'm in such good shape.  I 'm up well before daylight, climb all over the helicopter doing my preflight inspection, flying all day, etc." 

The doctor said, "Well, I'm sure that helps, but there's got to be more to it.  How old was your dad when he died?"

The old timer said, "Who said my dad's dead?" 

The doctor said, "You mean you're 65 years old and your dad's still alive?  How old is he?" 

The old timer said, "He's 84 yrs old and, in fact, he built and flies his own airplane and he went flying with me this morning.  That's why he's still alive... he's a pilot too!"

The doctor said, "Well, that's great, but I'm sure there's more to it.  How about your dad's dad?  How old was he when he died?" 

The old timer said, "Who said my grandpa's dead?" 

The doctor said, "You mean your dad is 84 years old and his father is still living!  How old is he?"

The old timer said, "Grandpa is 102 years old and he was a pilot too."

The doctor was getting frustrated at this point and said, "I guess he went flying with you this morning too?" 

The old timer said,  "No...Grandpa couldn't go this morning because he just got married and he's on his honeymoon." 

The doctor said in amazement, "Got married!!
Why would a 102-year-old guy want to get married?"

The old timer said, "Who said he wanted to?"

Cheers


----------



## SINC

When you cry... no one sees your tears. 

When you are worried... no one sees your pain. 

When you are happy... no one sees your smile. 

But fart just one time ... 

Cheers


----------



## The Doug

Sitting by the window in her convent, Sister Anne opened a letter from home and found a $10 bill inside. As she read the letter, she caught sight of a shabbily dressed, depressed-looking stranger leaning against a lamppost below. Quickly she wrote, "Don't despair. Sister Anne" on a piece of paper, wrapped the $10 in it, and dropped it out the window.

The stranger picked it up and, with a puzzled expression and a tip of his hat, went off down the street.

The next day Sister Anne was told that a man was at the door, insisting on seeing her. She went down and found the stranger waiting. Without a word, he handed her a roll of bills.

"What's this?" she asked.

"That's the 60 bucks you have coming. Don't Despair paid five to one."


----------



## The Doug

*The Twelve Days of Christmas: A Correspondence*
_By Julius Norwich and Quentin Blake_


December 14, 1972

My dearest darling John:

Who ever in the whole world would dream of getting a real Partridge in a Pear Tree? How can I ever express my pleasure. Thank you a hundred times for thinking of me this way.

My love always,

Agnes


***


December 15, 1972

Dearest John:

Today the postman brought your very sweet gift. Just imagine two turtle doves. I'm just delighted at your very thoughtful gift. They are just adorable.

All my love,

Agnes


***


December 16, 1972

Dear John:

Oh! Aren't you the extravagant one. Now I must protest. I don't deserve such generosity, three French hens. They are just darling but I must insist, you've been too kind.

All my love,

Agnes


***


December 17, 1972

Dear John:

Today the postman delivered four calling birds. Now really, they are beautiful, but don't you think enough is enough. You are being too romantic.

Affectionately,

Agnes


***


December 18, 1972

Dearest John:

What a surprise. Today the postman delivered five golden rings, one for every finger. You're just impossible, but I love it. Frankly, all those birds squawking were beginning to get on my nerves.

All my love,

Agnes


***


December 19, 1972

Dear John:

When I opened the door today there were actually six geese laying on my front steps. So you're back to the birds again huh? These geese are huge. Where will I ever keep them? The neighbors are complaining and I can't sleep through the racket. Please stop.

Cordially,

Agnes


***


December 20, 1972

John:

What's with you and those freaking birds?? Seven swans a swimming. What kind of damn joke is this? There's bird poop all over the house and they never stop the racket. I can't sleep at night and I'm a nervous wreck. It's not funny. So stop those freaking birds.

Sincerely,

Agnes


***


December 21, 1972

O.K. Buster:

I think I prefer the birds. What the hell am I going to do with 8 maids a milking? It's not enough with all those birds and 8 maids a milking, but they had to bring their damn cows. There is manure all over the lawn and I can't move in my own house. Just lay off me, smartass.

Agnes


***


December 22, 1972

Hey Sh!thead:

What are you? Some kind of sadist? Now there's nine pipers playing. And Christ do they play. They've never stopped chasing those maids since they got here yesterday morning. The cows are getting upset and they're stepping all over those screeching birds. What am I going to do? The neighbors have started a petition to evict me.

You'll get yours !

Agnes


***


December 23, 1972

You rotten prick:

Now there's ten ladies dancing. I don't know why I call those sluts ladies. They've been balling those pipers all night long.

Now the cows can't sleep and they've got diarrhea. My living room is a river of sh!t. The Commissioner of Buildings has subpoenaed me to give cause why the building shouldn't be condemned.

I'm calling the police on you!

Agnes


***


December 24, 1972

Listen F*ckhead:

What's with those eleven lords a leaping on those maids and ladies? Some of those broads will never walk again. Those pipers ran through the maids and have been committing sodomy with the cows. All twenty-three of the birds are dead. They've been trampled to death in the orgy. I hope you're satisfied, you rotten vicious swine.

Your sworn enemy,

Agnes


***


December 25, 1972

Dear Sir:

This is to acknowledge your latest gift of twelve fiddlers fiddling which you have seen fit to inflict on our client, Miss Agnes McHolstein.

The destruction, of course, was total. All correspondence should come to our attention. If you should attempt to reach Miss McHolstein at Happy Dale Sanitarium, the attendants have been instructed to shoot you on sight.

With this letter please find attached a warrant for your arrest.

Cordially,

Law Offices of Badger Bender & Chole


----------



## MBD

Herding Sheep
-------------
One Christmas, Dan and Stan built a skating rink in the middle of a
pasture. A shepherd leading his flock decided to take a shortcut across the
rink. The sheep, however, were afraid of the ice and wouldn't cross it.
Desperate, the shepherd began tugging them to the other side.

"Look at that," remarked Dan to Stan. "That guy is trying to pull the wool over our ice!"

Ba Dum Da!


----------



## MaxPower

A little late but.....


To: All Concerned
From: Santa Claus

I regret to inform you that, effective immediately, I will no longer serve the States of Georgia, Florida, Virginia and North and South Carolina, Louisiana, Kentucky, Tennessee, Texas, and Arkansas on Christmas Eve. Due to the overwhelming current population of the earth, my contract was renegotiated by North American Fairies and Elves Local 209. As part of the new and better contract I also get longer breaks for milk and cookies so keep that in mind. However, I'm certain that your children will be in good hands with your local replacement who happens to be my third cousin, Bubba Claus. His side of the family is from the South Pole. He shares my goal of delivering toys to all the good boys and girls; however, there are a few differences between us. Differences such as:

1. There is no danger of the Grinch stealing your presents from Bubba Claus. He has a gun rack on his sleigh and a bumper sticker that reads: "These toys insured by Smith and Wesson."

2. Instead of milk and cookies, Bubba Claus prefers that children leave an RC cola and pork rinds [or a moon pie] on the fireplace. And Bubba doesn't smoke a pipe. He dips a little snuff though, so please have an empty spit can handy.

3. Bubba Claus' sleigh is pulled by floppy-eared, flyin' **** dogs instead of reindeer. I made the mistake of loaning him a couple of my reindeer one time, and Blitzen's head now overlooks Bubba's fireplace.

4. You won't hear "On Comet, on Cupid, on Donner and Blitzen .." when Bubba Claus arrives. Instead, you'll hear, "On Earnhardt, on Andretti, on Elliott and Petty."

5.. "Ho, Ho, Ho!" has been replaced by "Yee Haw!" And you also are likely to hear Bubba's elves respond, "I her'd dat!"

6. As required by Southern highway laws, Bubba Claus' sleigh does have a Yosemite Sam safety triangle on the back with the words "Back Off."

7. The usual Christmas movie classics such as "Miracle on 34th Street" and "It's a Wonderful Life" will not be shown in your negotiated viewing area. Instead, you'll see "Boss Hogg Saves Christmas" and "Smokey and the Bandit IV" featuring Burt Reynolds as Bubba Claus and dozens of state patrol cars crashing into each other.

And Finally,

8. Bubba Claus doesn't wear a belt. If I were you, I'd make sure you, the wife, and the kids turn the other way when he bends over to put presents under the tree.

Sincerely Yours,

Santa Claus
Member of North American Fairies and Elves Union 225


----------



## William

A guy who ought to have known better responded to an ad in the neighbourhood paper. A student advertised wanting jobs painting. When the student showed up at the front door, the guy said: "I'd like you to paint the porch at the back of the house. How much an hour?" The student said, "Ten bucks, if you supply the paint." "OK," said the guy, "use this gray paint, I have lots of it." 

About three hours later, the student knocks at the front door again, and tells the guy: "Its all done. The charge is thirty dollars." The guy gives the student forty dollars saying "Here's a little extra for you. I'm sure you did a good job on the old porch." "Gee, thanks," said the student, "that's great. But there's one thing I'd like to know. Why do you keep calling it a porch when it's a BMW?"


----------



## The Doug

A middle-aged man walks into a psychologist's office wearing a tutu, flippers and a scuba mask.

The psychologist, humouring him, asks, "What seems to be the problem?"

The man answers, "Well, Doc, I'm worried about my brother..."


----------



## SINC

Bubba's sister is pregnant and is in a bad car accident, which caused her to fall into a deep coma.

After nearly six months, she awakens and sees that she is no longer pregnant.

Frantically, she asks the doctor about her baby.

The doctor replies, " Ma'am, you had twins - a boy and a girl. The babies are fine. Your brother came in and named them."

The woman thinks to herself, "Oh, no! Not Bubba; he's an idiot!"

Expecting the worst, she asks the doctor, "Well, what's the girl's name?"

"Denise," the doctor answers.

The new mother thinks, "Wow! That's a beautiful name! I guess I was wrong about my brother. I really like the name Denise."

Then she asks the doctor, "What's the boy's name?"

The doctor replies, "Denephew." 

Cheers


----------



## Dr.G.

Sinc, I told this to my wife and she did not see the humor. I think that it might have been in the delivery, or in the fact that I changed it a bit, using a Brooklyn NY accent instead of a southern accent.


----------



## The Doug

Noticing a man who appeared to be really drunk, a few of the guys at the bar decided to be Good Samaritans and help him get home. They picked him up off the floor and dragged him out the door. The poor guy fell down three times on the way to the car.

Finding his house, they helped him out of the car and he fell down four more times on the way to his front door. The helpful fellows rang the doorbell and the man's wife came to the door. One said, "Here's your husband! We got him home safe and sound!"

"Oh thank you!", the woman said. "But where is his wheelchair?"


----------



## SINC

Dr.G. said:


> Sinc, I told this to my wife and she did not see the humor. I think that it might have been in the delivery, or in the fact that I changed it a bit, using a Brooklyn NY accent instead of a southern accent.


I guess you get an "A" for effort, Dr. G.!


----------



## Dr.G.

Sinc, it was dem boids to toity toid street that made a mess of da joke. (read this with a Brooklyn accent, SVP)


----------



## SINC

*It is SO cold!*

It is so cold here this morning that even the lawyers have both hands in their own pockets!


----------



## The Doug

A hungry lion was roaming the veldt looking for something to eat. He came across two men. One was sitting under a tree reading a book; the other was nearby, typing away on his laptop.

The lion quickly pounced on the man reading the book and devoured him. Even the King of the Beasts knows that readers digest and writers cramp.


----------



## MaxPower

Somehow, this just doesn't seem right.....


----------



## Dr.G.

Mr.Sinclair, it has come to our attention that you have posted disparaging comments pertaining to the legal profession. We demand that you cease and desist such commentary, or else face the full wrath of the ehMacLand Barristers Assoc.

Respectrully submitted,
Lord Jason Jinglestars, QB
Of the firm Jinglestars, Dewey, Cheatham and Howe.


----------



## SINC

What the heck is a: "<br />14" G4 iBook"

anyway? 

Or is your signature been modified by the lawyers?


----------



## Snapple Quaffer

*Not another CIA-bashing thread, surely?*

The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all of the background checks, interviews, and testing were done there were three finalists, two men and a woman. For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. 

'We must know that you will follow your instructions, no matter what the circumstances. Inside this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill her!' 

The man said, 'You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife.' The agent said, 'Then you're not the right man for this job.' 

The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the man came out with tears in his eyes. 'I tried, but I can't kill my wife.' 

The agent said, 'You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home.'

Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one shot after another. Then the agents heard screaming, crashing, and banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow, and said, 'This gun is loaded with blanks. I had to beat him to death with the chair.'


----------



## Dr.G.

???? "What the heck is a: '14" G4 iBook' anyway?" It's an iBook, with a G4 processor, and a 14" screen. Sinc, you've been out in the cold for too long.


----------



## Dr.G.

Mr.Sinclair,
Re you comment "Or is your signature been modified by the lawyers?", please be advised that to remain syntactically accurate, the statement should have read, "Or has your signature been modified by the lawyers."
Respectfully submitted,
Dr.Jason Jinglestars, Ph.D.
ehMacLand Ministry for Correct Grammar, Spelling, Thoughts and Deeds.


----------



## SINC

*Allow me to correct myself!*

When your signature appears in your post it looks like this to me (without the spaces):

< b r / > 14" iBook

Yet when I type that into the body copy of my posts the < b r / > part does not appear.

I just wondered why that is?


----------



## Snapple Quaffer

SINC said:


> When your signature appears in your post it looks like this to me (without the specs):


Why, just put your specs on then, Sinc!


----------



## SINC

Believe it or not SQ, I never take them off. Blind as a bat, comes to mind!


----------



## Dr.G.

Sinc, haven't a clue why that happened. I think that I solved the problem, however. Paix, mon ami.


----------



## Snapple Quaffer

Got yourselves sorted now then, boys?

How about a nice mug of Ovaltine in the Shang!

Whoooaaa. It's not over there. That's the massage parlour. It's thisaway.


----------



## Dr.G.

SQ, haven't had Ovaltine since I was a boy.


----------



## Snapple Quaffer

Dr. G, Sir, then you must have one on me. Coming right up!


----------



## SINC

Beleive it or not, I still keep a jar in my cupboard and enjoy a cup every now and then.


----------



## The Doug

_We now return to our originally-scheduled broadcast_...


*Q:* Where does a king keep his armies?
*A:* In his sleevies.


----------



## Snapple Quaffer

The Doug said:


> _We now return to our originally-scheduled broadcast_



Hrrrmmmph. OK.

Q. How do you tell one end of a worm from the other?

A. .traf ot ti rof tiaw dna ruolf fo lwob a ni ti tuP


----------



## SINC

Watch for the little white "puffs"!


----------



## Dr.G.

SQ, I was born just after Ovaltine stopped sponsoring Little Orphan Annie on the radio.


----------



## SINC

Getting Old?

Have you been guilty of looking at others your own age and thinking, "Surely I can't look that old?" This one hurts!

I was sitting in the waiting room for my first appointment with a new dentist. I noticed his DDS diploma, which bore his full name.

Suddenly, I remembered a tall, handsome, dark-haired boy with the same name had been in my high school class some 40-odd years ago.

Upon seeing him, however, I quickly discarded any such thought.

This balding, gray-haired man with the deeply lined face 'was way too old to have been my classmate.

After he examined my teeth, I asked him if he had attended Lawton Senior High School.

"Yes. Yes, I did." he gleamed with pride.

"When did you graduate?" I asked.

He answered, "In 1961. Why do you ask?"

"You were in my class!" I exclaimed.

He looked at me closely.

Then, that ugly, old, wrinkled son-of-a-gun asked, "What did you teach?"


----------



## Dr.G.

Sinc, I am starting to get the children of my student that I taught when I first came to MUN. When I start getting their grandchildren, I shall know it's time to retire.


----------



## SINC

*Tech Department's Delight!*

A slightly off-colour story from a surprised tech department manager...

A co-worker got a pen stuck inside our printer. He started to try and remove the pen, but I told him we don't have time for that now, just put a note on the printer telling folks not to use it and then report it to the Help Desk.

So he grabbed a piece of paper and scrawled on it. I left before he finished the note. About 20 minutes later, one of my techs comes in laughing and says he was just in the lobby, saw a piece of paper on a printer and went to investigate.

Here is what he found. Sometimes things don't always come out the way you want them to.


----------



## SINC

It was three o'clock in the morning, and the receptionist at a posh hotel was just dozing off, when a little old lady came running towards her, screaming. "Please come quickly!" she yelled, "I just saw a naked man outside my window!"

The receptionist immediately rushed up to the old lady's room.

"Where is he?" asked the receptionist.

"He's over there," replied the little old lady, pointing to an apartment building opposite the hotel.

The receptionist looked over and could see a man with no shirt on, moving around his apartment. "It's probably a man who's getting ready to go to bed," she said reassuringly. "And how do you know he's naked, you can only see him from the waist up?"

"The dresser, honey!" screamed the old lady. "Try standing on the dresser!"


----------



## Call me 'Sherman'

I might be missing this, but are these jokes gotten of of the Joke du Jur, that plays at 7:25 apprx. on AM 740 every morning? cuase a good chunk of these jokes i've heard on that radio station....
ciao


----------



## SINC

Call me 'Sherman' said:


> I might be missing this, but are these jokes gotten of of the Joke du Jur, that plays at 7:25 apprx. on AM 740 every morning? cuase a good chunk of these jokes i've heard on that radio station....
> ciao


Gee Sherman, I am pretty sure my radio won't pick up AM 740 Toronto here in Alberta. Does that answer your question?


----------



## The Doug

One of the city's top cardiac specialists died. At his funeral the coffin was placed in front of a huge mockup of a human heart made up of red flowers.

Following the service, after everyone said their good-byes, the large heart opened. The coffin rolled inside and the heart closed again.

At that moment, one of the mourners burst into a fit of laughter. Irritated by his insensitivity, the guy next to him asked, "Why are you laughing Buddy?"

"I was just thinking about my own funeral" the man replied. "I'm a proctologist."


----------



## Call me 'Sherman'

SINC said:


> Gee Sherman, I am pretty sure my radio won't pick up AM 740 Toronto here in Alberta. Does that answer your question?



it doesnt?!?! last time i was in alberta, i was sure i was able to pick it up.... sides, i wasnt talking bout u anyways...

ciao


----------



## The Doug

When Noah built his ark, he had two snakes aboard. When the animals were leaving, he said, "Go forth and multiply."

The snakes didn't move.

"Go forth and multiply!"

They still didn't move.

Noah was yelling by now. "Go forth and multiply!" 

"We can't," they answered.

Noah was confused. "Why not?"

"We're adders."

****

The cops came across these two kids. One was eating batteries, and the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let off the other.

****

Q: Why do cowboys ride horses? 

A: Because they are too heavy to carry.

****

Q: What do you get when you cross a lawyer with The Godfather?

A: An offer you can't understand.

****

A tough old cowboy once counseled his grandson that if he wanted to live a long life, the secret was to sprinkle a little gunpowder on his oatmeal every morning.

The grandson did this religiously and he lived to the age of 93.

When he died, he left 14 children, 28 grandchildren, 35 great grandchildren and a fifteen foot hole in the wall of the crematorium.

****

Q: What did the banjo player get on his IQ test?

A: Drool.


----------



## Carex

John went to visit his 90 year old grandfather in a very secluded, rural area of Georgia. 

After spending a great evening chatting the night away, John's grandfather prepared breakfast of bacon, eggs and toast. However, John noticed a film like substance on his plate, and questioned his grandfather asking, "Are these plates clean?" 

His grandfather replied, "They're as clean as cold water can get them. Just you go ahead and finish your meal, Sonny!" 

For lunch the old man made hamburgers. Again, John was concerned about the plates as his appeared to have tiny specks around the edge that looked like dried egg and asked, "Are you sure these plates are clean?" 

Without looking up the old man said, "I told you before, Sonny, those dishes are as clean as cold water can get them. Now don't you fret, I don't want to hear another word about it!" 

Later that afternoon, John was on his way to a nearby town and as he was leaving, his grandfather's dog started to growl, and wouldn't let him pass. John yelled and said, "Grandfather, your dog won't let me get to my car". 

Without diverting his attention from the football game he was watching on TV, the old man shouted ... 

"COLDWATER, GO LAY DOWN!!!!"


----------



## The Doug

*Very Punny*

_I don't write 'em, I just pass 'em along..._ 


*CONVERSION UNITS*

1- Ratio of an igloo's circumference to its diameter = Eskimo Pi

2- 2.4 statute miles of intravenous surgical tubing at Yale University Hospital = 1 IV League

3- 2000 pounds of Chinese soup = Won Ton

4- 1 millionth mouthwash = 1 microscope

5- Speed of a tortoise breaking the sound barrier = Mach Turtle

6- Time it takes to sail 220 yards at 1 nautical mile per hour = knot furlong

7- 365.25 days of drinking low-calorie beer because it's less filling = 1 lite year

8- 16.5 feet in the Twilight Zone = 1 Rod Sterling

9- 1/2 large intestine = 1 semicolon

10- 1,000,000 aches = 1 megahertz

11- Weight an evangelist carries with God = 1 billigram

12- Basic unit of laryngitis = 1 hoarsepower

13- Shortest distance between two jokes = a straight line

14- Time between slipping on a peel and smacking the pavement = 1 bananosecond

15- 1/2 bath = 1 demijohn

16- 453.6 graham crackers = 1 pound cake

17- Given the old adage "a journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step" , the first step of a one-mile journey = 1 Milwaukee

18- 1 Million microphones = 1 megaphone

19- 1 Million bicycles = 2 megacycles

20- 365.25 days = 1 Unicycle

21- 2000 mockingbirds = two kilomockingbirds

22- 1 kilogram of falling figs = 1 Fig Newton

23- 1000 grams of wet socks = 1 Liter Hosen

24- 1 millionth of a fish = 1 microfiche

25- 1 trillion pins = 1 terrapin

26- 1 million billion picolos = 1 gigolo

27- 10 rations = 1 decoration

28- 100 rations = 1 C-ration


----------



## The Doug

A skeptical anthropologist was cataloguing South American folk remedies with the assistance of a tribal sorcerer who indicated that the leaves of a particular fern were a sure cure for any case of constipation.

When the anthropologist expressed his doubts, the sorcerer looked him in the eye and said, "Let me tell you, with fronds like these, who need enemas?"


----------



## The Doug

Two cannibals were eating a comedian.

One cannibal turned to the other cannibal and said...

"Does this taste funny to you?"


----------



## The Doug

*Fractured Nursery Rhymes*

*JACK AND JILL*
Went up the hill
To have a little fun.
Oh that Jill
Forgot the pill
And now they have a son.


*MARY HAD A LITTLE LAMB*
Her father shot it dead
Now it goes to school with her
Between two hunks of bread.


*SIMPLE SIMON met a Pieman*
Going to the fair
Said Simple Simon to the Pieman
"What have you got there?"
Said the Pieman unto Simon
"Pies, you stupid ass!"


*HUMPTY DUMPTY sat on a wall*
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall
All the kings horses and all the kings men
Had scrambled eggs for breakfast again.


----------



## SINC

OK, you started it!

Mary had a steamboat
The steamboat had a bell
Mary went to heaven
And the steamboat went "toot, toot".

Mary had a little lamb
She also had a duck
She placed them on a window sill
To see if they would fall off.


----------



## The Doug

*Hickory dickory dock,*
Three mice ran up the clock.
The clock struck one,
and the others got away with minor injuries.


----------



## Call me 'Sherman'

( I hate these racist jokes so I'll try not to use recognized races)

A IBMer, Microsoftilite, and a Applian were all running from the... Unix Mofia.
The IBMer runs up into a tree and yells "HURRICANE"—the mofia scatters.
The Microsoftilite runs down into a sewer (they belong there), and yells "TWISTER"—the mofia scatters.
The Applian runs down an alley and yells "FIRE"—and they did...

The next day a IBMian, a Microsofter, and an Applite are running from the Linux Mofia.
The IBMian runs up a tree and into a birds nest and when the mofia comes by he goes "tweet, tweet" and the mofia leaves to search elsewhere.
The Microsofter runs into a kennel and when the mofia comes in he goes "woof, woof" and the mofia again leaves to search elsewhere
The Applite runs into a bakery and hides under a sack of potatoes when the mofia walk in he goes "taters, taters"... you can guess what happenewd to him...

ciao

PS: I am not anti-apple


----------



## The Doug

_The Washington Post's Mensa Invitational once again asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition Here are this year's winners:_ 

1. Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with. 

2. Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly. 

3. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stop bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future. 

4 . Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period. 

5. Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high. 

6. Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it. 

7. Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late. 

8. Hipatitis: Terminal coolness. 

9. Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.) 

10. Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer. 

11. Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you. 

12. Glibido: All talk and no action. 

13. Dopeler effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly. 

14. Arachnoleptic fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web. 

15. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out. 

16. Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a worm in the fruit you're eating. 

And the pick of the literature: 
17. Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an asshole.


----------



## SINC

According to a news report, a certain private school in Washington was recently faced with a unique problem.

A number of 12-year-old girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints. Every night the maintenance man would remove them and the next day the girls would put them back.

Finally the principal decided that something had to be done. She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night. To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required.

He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it. Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.

There are teachers, and then there are educators.


----------



## Chipper

Three women and three men are traveling
by train to the Super Bowl.

At the station,
the three men each buy a ticket
and watch as the three women
buy just one ticket.

"How are the three of you going
to travel on only one ticket?"
asks one of the men.

"Watch and learn,"
answers one of the women.

They all board the train.
The three men take their respective seats
but all three women cram into a toilet together
and close the door.

Shortly after the train has departed,
the conductor comes around
collecting tickets.
He knocks on the toilet door and says,
"Ticket, please."

The door opens just a crack,
and a single arm emerges
with a ticket in hand.

The conductor takes it and moves on.

The men see this happen
and agree it was quite a clever idea;
so, after the game,
they decide to do the same thing
on the return trip
and save some money.

When they get to the station
they buy a single ticket for
the return trip
but see,
to their astonishment,
that the three women
don't buy any ticket at all!!

"How are you going to travel
without a ticket?"
says one perplexed man.

"Watch and learn,"
answer the women.
When they board the train,
the three men cram themselves
into a toilet,
and the three women cram
into another toilet just down the way.

Shortly after the train is on its way,
one of the women leaves her toilet
and walks over to the toilet
in which the men are hiding.

The woman knocks
on their door and says,
"Ticket, please."


----------



## The Doug




----------



## The Doug

*Why?!*

WHY...

Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are flat? 

Why do banks charge a fee on "insufficient funds" when they know there is not enough? 

Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet? 

Why doesn't glue stick to the bottle? 

Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard? 

Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him? 

Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets? 

Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up every two hours? 

Why does a round pizza come in a square box?

Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground? 

Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They're going to see you naked anyway.


----------



## MACSPECTRUM

*one liners*

1. My wife and I divorced over religious differences; she thought she was God and I didn't.

2. I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.

3. I work hard because millions on welfare depend on me!

4. Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.

5. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

6. Don't take life too seriously; no one gets out alive.

7. You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me.

8. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.

9. Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.

10. I'm not a complete idiot; some parts are missing.

11. Out of my mind; back in five minutes.

12. NyQuil, the stuffy, sneezy, why-the-heck-is-the-room-spinning medicine.

13. God must love stupid people; he made so many.

14. The gene pool could use a little chlorine.

15. Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.

16. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

17. Being "over the hill" is much better than being under it!

18. Wrinkled was not one of the things I wanted to be when I grew up.

19. Procrastinate Now!

20. I have a degree in liberal arts; do you want fries with that?

21. A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

22. A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.

23. Stupidity is not a handicap; park elsewhere!

*24. They call it PMS because "mad cow disease" was already taken.*

25. He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless dead.

26. A picture may be worth a thousand words, but it uses up three thousand times the memory.

27. Ham and eggs? A day's work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig.

28. The trouble with life is there's no background music.

29. The original point and click interface was a Smith and Wesson.

30. I smile because I don't have a clue as to what's going on.


----------



## SINC




----------



## The Doug

A truck driver used to amuse himself by running over lawyers he would see walking down the side of the road. Every time he would see a lawyer walking along the road, he would swerve to hit him, and there would be a loud "THUMP" and then he would swerve back on the road.

One day, as the truck driver was driving along he saw a priest hitchhiking. He thought he would do a good turn and pulled the truck over. He asked the priest, "Where are you going, Father?".

"I'm going to the church 5 miles down the road," replied the priest.

"No problem, Father! I'll give you a lift. Climb in the truck."

The happy priest climbed into the passenger seat and the truck driver continued down the road. Suddenly the truck driver saw a lawyer walking down the road and instinctively he swerved to hit him. But then he remembered there was a priest in the truck with him, so at the last minute he swerved back to the road, narrowly missing the lawyer.

Even though he was certain he missed the lawyer, he still heard a loud "THUD." Not understanding where the noise came from he glanced in his mirrors and when he didn't see anything, he turned to the priest and said, "I'm sorry Father. I almost hit that lawyer."

"That's okay," replied the priest. "I got him with the door." 

***

A farmer got pulled over by a state trooper for speeding, and the trooper started to lecture the farmer about his speed, and in general began to throw his weight around to try to make the farmer uncomfortable.

Finally, the trooper got around to writing out the ticket, and as he was doing that he kept swatting at some flies that were buzzing around his head.

The farmer said, "Having some problems with circle flies there, are ya?" The trooper stopped writing the ticket and said, "Well yeah, if that's what they are. I never heard of circle flies."

So the farmer says, "Well, circle flies are common on farms. See, they're called circle flies because they're almost always found circling around the back end of a horse."

The trooper says, "Oh," and goes back to writing the ticket. Then after a minute he stops and says, "Hey... wait a minute, are you trying to call me a horses ass?"

The farmer says, "Oh no, officer. I have too much respect for law enforcement and police officers to even think about calling you a horses ass."

The trooper says, "Well, that's a good thing," and goes back to writing the ticket.

After a long pause, the farmer says, "Hard to fool them flies though."


----------



## The Doug

It's still morning yet, but this is probably the funniest thing I'll see all day.


----------



## SINC

*Only In Ottawa!*

A colonel on his way home from work at the Department of National Defense in Ottawa came to a dead halt in traffic and thought to himself, "Wow, this traffic seems worse than usual. Nothing's even moving."

He notices a police officer walking back and forth between the lines of cars so he rolls down his window and asks, "Excuse me, Officer, what's the hold up?"

The Officer replies, "The Prime Minister is just so depressed about the minority government thing he stopped his car and driver in the middle of the highway and he's threatening to douse himself in gasoline and set himself on fire. He says Canadians hate him and he doesn't have the $1 billion he blew on gun control or the $100 million he blew on Adscam to pay back the people. I'm walking around taking up a collection for him."

"Oh really? How much have you collected so far?"

"So far only about three hundred liters, but I've got a lot of folks still siphoning!"


----------



## The Great Waka

Two snares and a cymbal fall down a hill...

...Ba-Dum-Dum-Ching!


----------



## SINC

A guy went to apply for a job with the Canadian Government. During the interview, the interviewer asked the guy if he had any disabilities. The guy said "Well, years ago I stepped on a stick of dynamite and blew my testicles off." 

"Great!" the interviewer responded. "We give disabled applicants preference. You can start tomorrow morning at 10 a.m." 

"But doesn’t everyone normally start at 8 a.m.?" asked the guy. 

"Yes, but you don’t have to come in until 10. All we do is just stand around and scratch our balls for the first two hours anyway."


----------



## Chipper

*Mary Poppins*

Mary Poppins was traveling home, but due to worsening weather, she decided to stop at a hotel for the night.
She approached the receptionist and asked for a room for the night.
"Certainly madam", he replied courteously.
"Is the restaurant open still?" inquired Mary.
"Sorry, no," came the reply, "but room service is available all night.
Would you care to select something from this menu?"
Mary smiled and took the menu and perused it. "Hmm, I would like cauliflower cheese please," said Mary.
"Certainly madam," he replied.
"And can I have breakfast in bed?" asked Mary politely.
The receptionist nodded and smiled.
"In that case, I would love a couple of poached eggs please," Mary mused.
After confirming the order, Mary signed in and went up to her room for the night.
The night passed uneventfully and next morning Mary came down early to check out. The same guy was still on the desk.
"Morning madam...sleep well?"
"Yes, thank you," Mary replied.
"Food to your liking?"
"Well, I have to say the cauliflower cheese was exceptional, I don't think I have had better. Shame about the eggs tho....they really weren't that nice at all," replied Mary truthfully.
"Oh...well, perhaps you could contribute these thoughts to our Guest Comments Book. We are always looking to improve our service and would value your opinion," said the receptionist.
"OK, I will...thanks!" replied Mary....who checked out, then scribbled a comment into the book. Waving, she left to continue her journey.
Curious, the receptionist picked up the book to see the comment Mary had written. (Scroll down)


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Supercauliflowercheesebuteggswerequiteatrociouskj


----------



## SINC

I recently picked a new primary care physician. After two visits and exhaustive lab tests, he said I was doing "fairly well" for my age.

A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, "Do you think I'll live to be 80?"

He asked," Well, do you smoke tobacco or drink beer/wine?"

"Oh no," I replied. "I've never done either."

Then he asked, "Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?"

I said "No, I've heard that all red meat is very unhealthy!"

"Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, sailing, ballooning or rock climbing?"

"No, I don't," I said.

He said, "Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or sexually fool around?"

"No," I said. "I've never done any of those things."

He looked at me and asked, "Then why do you give a darn if you live to be 80?


----------



## The Doug

A man was driving down a quiet country lane when out into the road strayed a rooster. WHACK! The roster disappeared under the car in a cloud of feathers.

Shaken, the man pulled over at the farmhouse and rang the door bell. A farmer appeared. The man somewhat nervously said, "I think I just killed your rooster. Please allow me to replace him."

"Suit yourself," the farmer replied, "the hens are in the coop out 'round the back."


----------



## SINC

William and Mildred were married twenty-five years. They decided to celebrate with a trip to Las Vegas. When they entered the hotel/casino and registered, a sweet young woman dressed in a very short skirt, became very friendly. William brushed her off rather rudely. Mildred objected, "William, she was nice, that young woman, and you were so rude."

"Mildred, she's a prostitute."

"I don't believe you. That sweet young thing?

"Let's go up to our room and I'll prove it." In their room, William called down to the desk and asked for Candie to come to room 1217. "Now," he said, "you hide in the bathroom with the door open just enough to hear us, okay?"

She did. Soon, there was a knock on the door. William opened it and Candie walked in, swirling her hips provocatively. "So, I see you're interested after all," she said. William asked, "How much do you charge?" "$125 basic rate, $100 tips for special services." William was taken aback. "$125! I was thinking more in the range of $25." Candie laughed derisively. "You must really be a hick if you think you can buy sex for that price." "Well," said William, "I guess we can't do business. Goodbye."

After she left, Mildred came out of the bathroom. "I just can't believe it."

William said, "Let's forget it. We'll go have a drink, then eat dinner."

At the bar, as they sipped their cocktails, Candie came up behind William pointed slyly at Mildred, and said, "See what you get for $25?"


----------



## The Doug

Er... does anyone really need instructions like this? Click on the "wipes" link and enjoy the animation.


----------



## The Doug

*Heh Heh*

_As It Happens_ on the CBC had posed the question to listeners, _what should we do with the Stanley Cup this year?_ They played a few of the responses phoned in by listeners this evening. My favourite was,

_"I think we should give it to the Toronto Maple Leafs because they're *never gonna get it playing hockey*."_


----------



## MaxPower

*For Manny P*



> As It Happens on the CBC had posed the question to listeners, what should we do with the Stanley Cup this year? They played a few of the responses phoned in by listeners this evening. My favourite was,
> 
> "I think we should give it to the Toronto Maple Leafs because they're never gonna get it playing hockey."



It's funny you posted this The Doug. I just got this in my InBox:


----------



## SINC

A young man wanted to get his beautiful blonde wife, Susie, something nice for their first wedding anniversary. So he decided to buy her a cell phone. 

He showed her the phone and explained to her all of its features.

Susie was excited to receive the gift and simply adored her new phone. 

The next day Susie went shopping. Her phone rang and, to her astonishment, it was her husband on the other end. 

"Hi Susie," he said, "how do you like your new phone?" Susie replied, "I just love it! It's so small and your voice is clear as a bell, but there's one thing I don't understand though ... "! 

"What's that, sweetie?" asked her husband. 

"How did you know I was at Wal-Mart?"


----------



## Carex

Ok Sinc, you've lost me there. I need help with this one?


----------



## SINC

Well, you see, the wife was so stupid that she thought he had to know where she was before he could phone her. Get it?


----------



## Carex

Where is my blonde wig?


----------



## SINC

I dunno, but you had it on when you asked the question!


----------



## Bosco

A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected: a half-gallon of 2% milk, a carton of eggs, a quart of orange juice, a head of romaine lettuce, a 2 lb. can of coffee and a 1 lb. package of bacon.

As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the cashier. While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly stated, "You must be single." The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since she was indeed single.

She looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about her selections that could have tipped off the drunk to her marital status.

Curiosity getting the better of her, she said "Well, you know what, you're absolutely correct. But how on earth did you know that?"

The drunk replied, " 'Cause you're ugly.


----------



## Snapple Quaffer

Hear about the dyslexic, agnostic insomniac?

Lay awake all night, wondering if maybe there really was a dog.


----------



## used to be jwoodget

*Charles and Camilla*

The Official Royal Engagement picture:


----------



## SINC

used to be jwoodget said:


> The Official Royal Engagement picture:


Guess you missed it when I posted it here on Feb. 23!


----------



## used to be jwoodget

Sorry SINC, you should have posted here as well. I'd get no sleep at all if I read all the posts in the Clubhouse......  I was going to email it to my Mum in England, a die-hard Royalist, but its just not worth getting the cold shoulder for a month!


----------



## The Doug

A pipe burst in a lawyer's house, so he called a plumber. 

The plumber arrived, unpacked his tools, did mysterious plumber-type things for a while, and handed the lawyer a bill for $600.

The lawyer exclaimed, "This is ridiculous! I don't even make that much as a lawyer!"

The plumber replied sympathetically, "Neither did I when I was a lawyer."


----------



## gastonbuffet

Every day, a male co-worker walks up very close to a lady standing at 
the coffee machine, inhales a deep breath of air and tells her that her 
hair smells nice.


After a week of this, she can't stand it anymore, takes her complaint to 
a supervisor in the personnel department and asks to file a sexual 
harassment grievance against him.


The Human Resources supervisor is puzzled and asks, "What's sexually 
threatening about a co-worker telling you your hair smells nice?"


The woman replies, "It's Keith, the midget."


----------



## Bolor

A retired gentleman went to the CPP office to apply for his pension. ****After waiting in line a long time he got to the counter. The woman behind the counter asked him for his driver’s license to verify his age. 
He looked in his pockets and realized he had left his wallet at home. He told the woman that he was very sorry, but he seemed to have left his wallet at home. 
"I will have to go home and comeback later." 
The woman says, "Unbutton your shirt." 
So he opens his shirt revealing lots of curly silver hair. *****
She says, "That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me," and she processed his social security application. *****
When he gets home, the man excitedly tells his wife about his experience at the social security office.
She said, "You should have dropped your pants, you might have gotten disability too."


----------



## Bolor

BREWSTER THE ROOSTER 

****** was in the fertilized egg business. He had several hundred young layers called pullets and eight or ten roosters, whose job was to fertilize the eggs. ****** kept records and any rooster that didn't perform went into the soup pot and was replaced. 

That took an awful lot of ******'s time so ****** got a set of tiny bells and attached them to his roosters. Each bell had a different tone so ****** could tell from a distance, which rooster was performing. Now he could sit on the porch and fill out an 
efficiency report simply by listening to the bells. 

******'s favorite rooster was old Brewster, a very fine specimen he was,too. But on this particular morning ****** noticed old Brewster's bell hadn't rung at all! 

****** went to investigate. The other roosters were chasing pullets,bells-a-ringing. The pullets, hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover. BUT, to ******'s amazement, Brewster had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring. He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one. 

****** was so proud of Brewster, he entered him in the county fair... and Brewster became an overnight sensation among the judges. 

The result... 

The judges not only awarded Brewster the "No Bell Piece Prize" but they also awarded him the "Pulletsurprise" as well. 

Clearly Brewster was a republican. Who else could figure out how to win two of the most politically biased awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the populous and screwing them.


----------



## ram55

It was a small town and the patrolman was making his evening rounds.

As he was checking a used car lot, he came upon two little old ladies
sitting in a used car.

He stopped and asked them why they were sitting there in the car. Were
they trying to steal it?

"Heavens no, we bought it."

"Then why don't you drive it away."

"We can't drive."

"Then why did you buy it?"

"We were told that if we bought a car here we'd get screwed ...so we're
just waiting.


----------



## The Doug

A blonde met up with a friend as she is picking her car up from the garage. 

Her friend asked, "Everything okay with your car now?"

The blonde replied, "Yes, thank goodness. I was worried that my mechanic might try to rip me off. So I was relieved when he told me all I needed was $12 worth of blinker fluid."


----------



## MACSPECTRUM

An elderly Ukrainian Canadian woman, Helen, from Edmonton called the local newspaper to place a notice that her husband, Ivan, of 47 years had passed.

Helen told the person on the phone taking the ad to place; "Ivan dead"

The woman explained that there was a 5 word minimum for ads.

After thinking about it for a minute Helen replied; "Ivan dead. Buick for sale."


----------



## The Doug

*Presidential Advice*

One night, G.W. Bush was awakened by George Washington's ghost. Bush saw him and asked, "President Washington, what is the best thing I could do to help the country?"

"Set an honest and honorable example, just as I did," said Washington.

The next night, the ghost of Thomas Jefferson moved through Dubya's bedroom.

"President Jefferson, what is the best thing I could do to help the country?" Bush asked.

"Cut taxes and reduce the size of government," came the reply.

Bush didn't sleep well the next night, and saw yet another figure moving in the shadows. It was Abraham Lincoln's ghost.

"President Lincoln, what is the best thing I could do for the country?" Bush asked.

"Go to the theater," replied Lincoln.


----------



## SINC

A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room waiting for the doctor to come in for the baby's first exam. Finally, the doctor arrived, examined the baby, checked his weight, and being a little concerned, asked if the baby was being breast-fed or bottle-fed. "Breast-fed," she replied. "Well, strip down to your waist," the doctor ordered. She did. He pinched her nipples, then pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both breasts for a while in a detailed examination that seemed to be quite enjoyed by the woman. Motioning to her to get dressed, the doctor said, "No wonder this baby is underweight. You don't have any milk." "I know," she said, "I'm his Grandma."


----------



## SINC

*Celebrating Saskatchewan's Centennial*

Born and raised in Saskatchewan, I will be returning there for many events this year. A pal who still resides there sent me the following invitation:

Come and visit our province, Saskatchewan! Here are a few things you ought to know to make your stay more pleasant:
** 1. That slope-shouldered farm boy you are snickering at did more work before breakfast than you will do all week at the gym.
** 2. It's called a "gravel road." No matter how slow you drive, you're going to get dust on your BMW. I have a 4-wheel drive because I need it. Now drive or get it out of the way.
** 3. We all started hunting and fishing when we were nine-years-old. Yeah, we saw Bambi die. We got over it.
** 4. Any references to "grain fed" when talking about our women will get your butt kicked .. by our women.
** 5. Pull your pants up, and turn your hat around. You look like an idiot.
** 6. If that cell phone rings while a bunch of mallards are making their final approach, we will shoot it. You might hope you don't have it up to your ear at the time.
** 7. No, there's no "Vegetarian Special" on the menu. Order steak. Order it rare. Or, you can order the Chef's Salad and pick off the two pounds of ham and turkey.
** 8. Yeah, we have sweet tea. It comes unsweetened in a glass with two packets of sugar and a long spoon.
* 9. You bring Coke into my house you better bring rye along, and some ice.
** 10. So you have a sixty-thousand-dollar car. We're real impressed. We have quarter-million-dollar combines that we use two weeks a year.
** 11. Let's get this straight. We may have one stoplight in town, but we stop when it's red. We may even stop when it's yellow.
** 12. Our women hunt, fish, and drive trucks because they want to. So, you're a feminist. Isn't that cute.
** 13. Yeah, we eat trout, Northern pike, walleye, and perch, too. If you really want sushi and caviar, it's available at the bait shop.
** 14. They are pigs and cows. That's what they smell like. Get over it. Don't like it? Highways #1 and #16 go two ways - get on one of them.
** 15. The "Opener" refers to the first days of fishing and deer season. They are religious holidays. You can get breakfast at the church.
** 16. So what if every person in every pick-up waves? It's called being friendly. Understand the concept?
** 17. Yeah, we have golf courses. Don't hit into the water hazards. It spooks the fish. And stay out of the woods. It'll spook the deer.
** Please enjoy your stay. Eh!


----------



## SINC

President Bush was invited to address a major gathering of the American Indian Nation last weekend in Arizona. He spoke for almost an hour on his future plans for increasing every Native American's present standard of living. 

He referred to his career as Governor of Texas, how he had signed YES" 1,237 times - for every Indian issue that came to his desk for approval.

Although the President was vague on the details of his plan, he seemed most enthusiastic about his future ideas for helping his "red brother".

At the conclusion of his speech, the Tribes presented the President with a plaque inscribed with his new Indian name - Walking Eagle. 

The proud President then departed in his motorcade, waving to the crowds.

A news reporter later inquired to the group of chiefs of how they come to select the new name given to the President.

They explained that Walking Eagle is the name given to a bird so full of **** it can no longer fly.


----------



## The Doug




----------



## SINC

Three friends from the local congregation were asked "When you're in your casket, and friends and congregation members are mourning over you, what would you like them to say? " 

Artie said: "I would like them to say I was a wonderful husband, a Fine spiritual leader, and a great family man." 

Eugene commented: "I would like them to say I was a wonderful teacher and servant of God who made a huge difference in people's lives." 

Don said: ! "I'd like them to say, "Look, he's moving!"


----------



## SINC

A man goes to see the Rabbi. "Rabbi, something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about it." 

The Rabbi asked, "What's wrong?" 

The man replied, "My wife is poisoning me." 

The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asks, "How can that be?" 

The man then pleads, "I'm telling you, I'm certain she's poisoning me, what should I do?" 

The Rabbi then offers, "Tell you what. Let me talk to her, I'll see what I can find out and I'll let you know." 

A week later the Rabbi calls the man and says, "Well, I spoke to your wife. I spoke to her on the phone for three hours. You want my advice?" 

The man said yes and the Rabbi! replied, "Take the poison."


----------



## rhino

*For SINC, ehMac's own Old Fart*

The Pond 
An elderly man in Florida had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back, fixed up nice; picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees. The pond was ideal for swimming, although he rarely did that anymore. 

One evening he decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a five gallon bucket with which to bring back some fruit. 

As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing spontaneously. 
He came closer and saw a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in the pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all swam to the deepest part of the pond. One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!" 

The old man frowned, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or to make you get out of the pond naked." Holding the bucket up he said, "I'm here to feed the alligator." 

** Moral: Old men can still think fast.


----------



## The Doug

Ha ha *ha*!


----------



## SINC

rhino said:


> ** Moral: Old men can still think fast.


You betcha we can sonny!

Great story rhino, thanks for the laugh.


----------



## Dr.G.

Doug, don't think the thought never crossed the mind of many a parent.


----------



## MACSPECTRUM

*Beer and Men*

LONDON (Reuters) Yesterday scientists for Health U.K. suggested that,
considering the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer, men should take a concerned look at their beer consumption. The theory is that beer contains female hormones (hops contain phytoeostrogens) and drinking it makes men turn into women. To test the theory, 100 men were fed 6 pints of beer each within a two-hour period. It was then observed that 100% of the men:

1.Gained weight
2.Talked excessively without making sense
3.Became overly emotional
4.Couldn't drive a car
5. Failed to think rationally
6. Argued over nothing
7. Had to sit down while urinating
8. Refused to apologize when obviously wrong

No further testing is considered necessary.


----------



## winwintoo

Don't you think that bullet-proof vest will start to chafe after a while??

Margaret


----------



## Chipper

For all of the females who are married, were married, wish you were married, or wish you weren't married, this is something to smile about the next time you open a bottle of wine.



Sally was driving home from one of her business trips in Northern Arizona hen she saw an elderly Navajo woman walking on the side of the road. As her trip was a long and quiet one, she stopped the car and asked the Navajo woman if she would like a ride. With a silent nod of thanks, the woman got into the car. Resuming the journey, Sally tried in vain to make a bit of mall talk with the Navajo woman. The old woman just sat silently, looking intently at everything she saw, studying every little detail, until she noticed a brown bag on the seat next to Sally.

"What's in the bag?" asked the old woman.

Sally looked down at the brown bag and said, "It's a bottle of wine. I got it for my husband."

The Navajo woman was silent for another moment or two. Then speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder, she said, "Good trade."


----------



## MACSPECTRUM

How To Clean Your Toilet -
The Fun Way

1. Put both lids of the toilet up and add 1/8 cup of pet shampoo to
the water in the bowl.

2. Pick up the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the
bathroom.

3. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both
lids. You may need to stand on the lid.




4. The cat will self agitate! and make ample suds.
Never mind the noises that come from the toilet, the cat
is actually enjoying this.

5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides
a "power-wash" and rinse".

6. Have someone open the front door of your home.
Be sure that there are no people between the bathroom
and the front door.

7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both
lids.

8. The cat will rocket out of the toilet, streak through the
bathroom, and run outside where he will dry himself off.

9. Both the commode and the cat will be sparkling clean.

Sincerely,

The Dog


----------



## miguelsanchez

*oldie but a goodie*

Once upon a time in the Kingdom of Heaven, God went missing for six days. 

Eventually, Michael the archangel found him, resting on the seventh day.

He inquired of God, "My Lord, where have you been?"

God sighed a deep sigh of satisfaction and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds, "Look Michael, look what I've made."

Archangel Michael looked puzzled and said, "What is it?"

"It's a planet," replied God, "and I've put LIFE on it. I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a great place of balance."

"Balance?" inquired Michael, still confused.

God explained, pointing to different parts of Earth, "For example, 

Northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth while Southern Europe is going to be poor; the Middle East over there will be a hot spot. Over there I've placed a continent of white people and over there is a continent of black people," God continued, pointing to different countries. "This one will be extremely hot and arid while this one will be very cold and covered in ice."

The Archangel, impressed by God's work, then pointed to a large landmass in the northern hemisphere and asked, "What's that one?"

"Ah," said God. "That's Canada, the most glorious place on Earth. There are beautiful mountains, lakes, rivers, streams and an exquisite coastline. The people from Canada are going to be modest, intelligent and humorous and they're going to be found traveling the world. They'll be extremely sociable, hard-working and high achieving, and they will be known throughout the world as diplomats and carriers of peace. I'm also going to give them super-human, undefeatable ice hockey players who will be admired and feared by all who come across them (_until they go on strike - ms._)."

Michael gasped in wonder and admiration but then proclaimed. "What about balance, God? You said there would be BALANCE!"

God replied wisely: "Wait until you see the arrogant, loud-mouth bastards I've put next to them."


----------



## miguelsanchez

*in memory of jp2*

The Pope was traveling to a much anticipated, historic meeting with the Secretary General of the United Nations. Preparations for the meeting had begun months earlier, and the Pope, now restless from his long journey, eagerly anticipated his arrival at John F. Kennedy Airport in New York City.

As the the pilot started his approach, he was instructed to land at Newark Airport in New Jersey rather than JFK Airport as planned. Then because of unsafe wind conditions, the aircraft was forced into a holding pattern, further delaying the arrival by more than an hour. When the plane finally touched down at Newark Airport, the Pope, now a bit agitated, was whisked away in a limousine to his conference with the Secretary General at the U.N. building in Midtown Manhattan.

With only minutes to go before the meeting was scheduled to begin, the Pope sat anxiously in the back seat of the limousine.

"Can you drive a bit faster my son?" the Pope gently asked the chauffeur. "I have a meeting with the Secretary General of the United Nations. There are more than two hundred dignitaries awaiting my arrival, and the outcome of this meeting could have a dramatic effect on world events. I must not be late."

"I'm terribly sorry Your Holiness," the limousine driver begged, "but I can't afford another speeding ticket. I already have been warned that if I receive one more violation I will lose my license. Surely you understand. I have a wife and three children at home. I'm very, very sorry."

The Pope responded sympathetically to the worried driver, then asked him to stop the car. To the chauffeur's astonishment, the Pope got out of the limousine, tapped on the driver's door and told him that he would drive the rest of the way. The driver moved to the back seat and the Pope got behind the wheel and sped off toward his appointment.

Driving much faster than the chauffeur would have dared, the Pope darted in and out of traffic, narrowly missing several parked cars. Observing the speeding limousine, a New York City police officer promptly chased the vehicle and signaled it to pull over.

"Let me handle this one," the notoriously tough officer announced to his partner. "These big shots think they can order their chauffeurs to speed around my city in their big limousines. Well they're not going to get away with it as long as I'm around. Before I'm through with this guy he'll have at least five tickets to pay! I'll make sure this is the sorriest day of his life."

After only a minute, the visibly shaken officer returned to his squad car with his ticket book still unopened.

"You didn't write him a single ticket?" his partner protested. "What happened?"

"I couldn't write him a ticket," the first officer said sheepishly. "This guy is big, I mean really big."

"Who was it?" his partner asked. "The Mayor of New York City?"

"No, bigger than that," the first officer assured him.

"Well was it the Governor of New York State?"

"No, bigger than that."

"Don't tell me," the policeman cried, "you didn't pull over the President of the United States?"

"No, he's even bigger than that!" the first officer insisted.

"Bigger than the President of the United States? Who in the world is bigger than the President of The United States?"

"Well I'm not exactly sure who he is," said the first officer, "but the Pope is his chauffeur!"


----------



## MACSPECTRUM

*Some guys just don't get it*

> Still living at home and expecting to inherit a fortune when his 
> sickly, widower father died, Jerry decided he needed a woman to enjoy 
> it with.
> 
> So he went to a singles bar and he searched until he spotted a woman 
> whose beauty took his breath away .
> 
> "Right now, I'm just an ordinary man," he said walking up to her, "but 
> within a month or two, my father will pass and I will inherit over 20 
> million dollars."
> 
> The woman went home with Jerry, and four days later she became his 
> stepmother.


----------



## Dr.G.

Michael, an oldie but a goodie.


----------



## SINC

A man, his wife, and his mother-in-law went on vacation to the Holy Land.

While they were there, the mother-in-law passed away.

The undertaker told them, "You can have her shipped home for $5,000, or you can bury her here in the Holy Land for $150.00."

The man thought about it and told him he would just have her shipped home.

The undertaker asked, "Why would you spend $5,000 to ship your mother-in-law home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here and spend only $150.00?"

The man replied, "A man died here 2000 years ago, was buried here,and three days later he rose from the dead. I just can't take that chance."


----------



## MaxPower

I Fired My Secretary

Two weeks ago was my 45th birthday and I wasn't feeling too good that morning. I went to breakfast knowing my wife would be pleasant and say, "Happy Birthday!" and probably have a present for me.

As it turned out, she didn't even say good morning, let alone any happy birthday. I thought, well, that's wives for you, the children will remember...

The children came in to breakfast and didn't say a word. So when I left for the office, I was feeling pretty low and despondent...

As I walked into my office, my secretary Janet said, "Good morning, Boss. Happy Birthday!" And I felt a little better that someone had remembered.

I worked until noon, then Janet knocked on my door and said, "You know, it's such a beautiful day outside, and it's your birthday, let's go to lunch, just you and me."

I said, "By George, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day. Let's go!" We went to lunch.

We didn't go where we normally go; instead we went out to a private little place. We had two martinis and enjoyed lunch tremendously. On the way back to the office, she said, "You know, it's such a beautiful day. We don't need to go back to the office, do we?"

I said, "No, I guess not." She said, "Let's go to my apartment." After arriving at her apartment she said, "Boss, if you don't mind, I think I'll go into the bedroom and slip into something more comfortable."

She went into the bedroom and, in about six minutes, she came out carrying a huge birthday cake --- followed by my wife, children, and dozens of our friends, all singing Happy Birthday.

And I just sat there --- on the couch --- naked.


----------



## SINC

That one gave me goose bumps MP!


----------



## Dr.G.

The birth of an urban legend???


----------



## SINC

Young son: "Is it true Dad, that in some parts of of the world a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?"

Dad: "That happens in every country, son."


----------



## Snapple Quaffer

Where will you find the darkest, curliest hairs on a woman?


East Africa.


----------



## Dr.G.

Good one, Sinc. I have a simple set of rules to keep a balance with my wife. Rule One -- Never argue with my wife, since she will always win the arguement, even if I am right. Rule Two -- There is nothing I can do to change rule #1.


----------



## SINC

Too true, Dr. G.

Nevertheless effective.


----------



## Dr.G.

Sinc, sad but true.


----------



## The Doug

SENTENCES FOUND ON PATIENTS' HOSPITAL CHARTS

- She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.

- Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.

- On the second day the knee was better, and on the third day it disappeared.

- The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.

- The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.

- Discharge status: Alive but without my permission.

- Healthy appearing decrepit 69-year-old male, mentally alert but forgetful.

- The patient refused autopsy.

- The patient has no previous history of suicides.

- Patient has left white blood cells at another hospital.

- Patient's medical history has been remarkably stable with only a 40-pound weight gain in the past three days.

- Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.

- Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant.

- Since she can't get pregnant with her husband, I thought you might like to work her up.

- She is numb from her toes down.

- While in ER, she was examined, X-rated, and sent home.

- The skin was moist and dry.

- Occasional, constant infrequent headaches.

- Patient was alert and unresponsive.

- Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid.

- She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life, until she got a divorce.

- I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.

- Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.

- Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.

- The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.

- The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as a stockbroker instead.

- Skin: somewhat pale but present.

- The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor.

- Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. Blank, who felt we should sit on the abdomen and I agree.

- Large brown stool ambulating in the hall.

- Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.


----------



## The Doug

A woman gets home, screeches her car into the driveway, runs into the house, slams the door and shouts to her husband at the top of her lungs, "Pack your bags. I won the lottery!"

The husband cries, "Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?"

"Doesn't matter," she says. "Just get the hell out."


----------



## Dr.G.

Good one, Doug. My wife and I joke about this..............but luckily, it's just a joke.


----------



## SINC

A group of third, fourth and fifth graders accompanied by two female teachers went on a field trip to the local racetrack to learn about thoroughbred horses and the supporting industry. 

During the tour some of the children wanted to go to the toilet so it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other. 

As the teacher assigned to the boys waited outside the men's toilet, one of the boys came out and told her that he couldn't reach the urinal. Having no choice, the teacher went inside and began hoisting the little boys up by their armpits, one by one. 

As she lifted one up by the armpits, she couldn't help but notice that he was unusually well-endowed for an elementary school child. "I guess you must be in the fifth," she said. 

"No ma'am," he replied, "I'm in the seventh, riding Silver Arrow, but thanks for the lift anyhow."


----------



## Peter Scharman

This not a joke (well, maybe it is) but check this out. Too funny!


----------



## used to be jwoodget

Peter,

Open up iTMS Canada, select the "electronic" genre and click on O-zone and play the featured video (Dragostea Din Tei). I think they should have gone with the lip-syncing kid over the real video.....


----------



## Peter Scharman

Sorry, UTBJ, I couldn't find what you were referring to and My Explorer 5 can't access some of the Apple pages. Can you provide a URL?


----------



## used to be jwoodget

You have to open up iTunes, select the Music Store (Canada version) and go from there. I'm not sure if there is a direct URL to the video.

Why o why are you using Explorer 5? Firefox, Safari, etc. are much safer/faster/better.  I only use IE5 when a silly web site absolutely requires it (such as booking tickets on Air Canada....).


----------



## Peter Scharman

I can't use Safari or Firefox because I'm using a G3/400 and system 9.2. I'm otherwise quite happy with 9.2 and all my apps are OS8/9 native. I'll slowly be forced to migrate to OSX and buy a more expensive computer, but not yet.


----------



## used to be jwoodget

Understood. Here is a link on other OS 9 compatible browsers - as part of my public duty to rescue people from Internet Explorer 

http://www.wap.org/journal/os9browsers/default.html

You might also try out iCab (full version costs money though).

Also, when you are forced to upgrade, there are lots of alternative browsers awaiting you:
http://downloads-zdnet.com.com/3150-2143-0.html

I couldn't find a good source for the direct O-Zone video but here's a Lego version that's even better (WMV file): http://www.koreus.com/files/200407/lego-zone.html

It's a very accurate take-off of the actual video (including them dancing on the wings).


----------



## 2063

Netscape is not bad (that isn't supposed to be a joke).

But I might as well now that I'm here.

This guy walks into a bar, he clearly knows the bartender, as he walks up and says: "hey, mike! check this out"

The man sits down and pauses, then pulls out a tiny piano, about 6 inches tall. Everyone around is mystified. He smurks and pulls out a man about 12 inches tall, who grins politely, sits down and starts to play a beautiful song on the piano.

without interrupting the mini-musician, the man tells everyone that he got this from a hobo, in the lane behind the pub. "he's magical and granting everyone wishes!".

Surely a bunch of people rush out. Several minutes later a man comes in swinging a cane with a hot lass holding his hand (some money hanging out of his pocket). He shouts: "hey everybody, the guy ain't joking it REALLY works!". Most of the bar has cleared by now to get their wishes granted, when there is a loud noise followed by a stampede of a million ducks, a man manages to slip in amidst the ducks and says: "hey that hobo must be part-deaf! I didn't ask for a million DUCKS... I said BUCKS!"

The mini-musician's owner shouts back "your not kidding! You think I wished for a 12 inch PIANIST?!"


----------



## Peter Scharman

Thanks UTBJ for the links. Looks like older Mozzila is NOT a good alternative. I'm curious as to why you dislike IE (other tan it's a MS product). I've found it to be reponsive and reliable. I hate all the pop-ups I get whenever I use Netscape. I can't ssee a better alternative to IE out there for OS9.


----------



## gwillikers

*The Donkey*

One day a farmer's donkey fell down into a well. The animal cried piteously 
for hours as the farmer tried to figure out what to do. Finally, he decided 
the animal was old, and the well needed to be covered up anyway; it just 
wasn't worth it to retrieve the donkey.

He invited all his neighbors to come over and help him. They all grabbed a 
shovel and began to shovel dirt into the well. At first, the donkey realized 
what was happening and cried horribly. Then, to everyone's amazement he 
quieted down.

A few shovel loads later, the farmer finally looked down the well. He was 
astonished at what he saw. With each shovel of dirt that hit his back, the 
donkey was doing something amazing. He would shake it off and take a step 
up.

As the farmer's neighbors continued to shovel dirt on top of the animal, he 
would shake it off and take a step up. Pretty soon, everyone was amazed as 
the donkey stepped up over the edge of the well and happily trotted off!

Life is going to shovel dirt on you, all kinds of dirt. The trick to getting 
out of the well is to shake it off and take a step up. Each of our troubles 
is a steppingstone. We can get out of the deepest wells just by not 
stopping, never giving up! Shake it off and take a step up.

Remember the five simple rules to be happy:

1. Free your heart from hatred - Forgive.

2. Free your mind from worries - Most never happen.

3. Live simply and appreciate what you have.

4. Give more.

5. Expect less

NOW --------

Enough of that crap . . .

The donkey later came back, and bit the **** out of the farmer who had tried 
to bury him. The gash from the bite got infected, and the farmer eventually 
died in agony from septic shock.

MORAL FROM TODAY'S LESSON:

When you do something wrong, and try to cover your ass, it always comes back to bite you.


----------



## Dr.G.

Now that George Bush has an iPod, Paul Martin wants one. His first download -- "We are all innocent" by Our Lady Peace.


----------



## gwillikers

Hah! That sounds pretty accurate Dr. G.!


----------



## Dr.G.

Bush likes George Jones on his iPod. 40GB and he has all of 250 songs which someone downloaded for him. Legally?????????


----------



## buck

An Irishman, an American and a Canadian walk into a bar.
The Bartender looks at them and says "What is this? Some kind of a joke?"


----------



## used to be jwoodget

Peter Scharman said:


> Thanks UTBJ for the links. Looks like older Mozzila is NOT a good alternative. I'm curious as to why you dislike IE (other tan it's a MS product). I've found it to be reponsive and reliable. I hate all the pop-ups I get whenever I use Netscape. I can't ssee a better alternative to IE out there for OS9.


From a security perspective, IE has not been updated in almost two years. It's full of exploitable holes. Being on a Mac is some protection, but IE is full of vulnerabilities.


----------



## Dr.G.

A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack.

"Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $30,000 loan to take a holiday."

Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's okay, he knows the bank manager.

Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral.

The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.

Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office.

She finds the manager and says, "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral."

She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what in the world is this?"

(you're gonna love this)

(its a real treat)

(a masterpiece)

(wait for it)

The bank manager looks back at her and says...

"It's a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."

(You're singing it, aren't you? Yeah, I know you are........)

Never take life too seriously! Come on now, you grinned, I know you did!!!


----------



## Snapple Quaffer

Love it, Dr. G. Love it.

Nightwatchmen in the (dark satanic) mills in the North of England used dogs while on patrol at night. A particularly good breed, known for its acute intelligence combined with merciless savagery when confronted by intruders, came from Bavaria.

One old nightwatchman had a pack of them for company and protection. He just sat in his cosy wee hut all night while they roamed the premises.

One night the mill-owner paid a surprise visit and was no too pleased to see the old guy asleep in his hut. He gave him a prod and demanded to know why the premises weren't being patrolled.

"Oh, there's no problem, guv'nor. You see …"

(bursting into song …)

"The mills are alive, with the hounds of Munich … "


----------



## SINC

G r r r o o o a a a n n n.


----------



## Dr.G.

Good one, SQ. Doxies are hounds, you know.


----------



## PosterBoy

Maybe it's already been told here, but I am not about to read all 9 pages of this thread just to find out.

Q: What do you call the med student who graduates at the <i>bottom</i> of his or her class?

A: "Doctor"


----------



## Peter Scharman

Dr.G. said:


> "It's a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."
> 
> (You're singing it, aren't you? Yeah, I know you are........)
> 
> Never take life too seriously! Come on now, you grinned, I know you did!!!


OK,........ you got me! So very corny and yet too funny.

Read the following speech enunciation phrases slowly out loud to your friends nearby.

"I am Reid Todd Ted. I am Reid Todd Ted. I am sofa king Reid Todd Ted."


----------



## Peter Scharman

BTW....no offense intended to anyone out there and certainly no offense to anyone inflicted with a handicap. It's just a gag to make you get laughes at!


----------



## Bosco

I'm just offended by bad jokes. That last 2 qualify for me with the frog one getting an honourable mention. The jokes have been excellent so far.


----------



## drehleierguy

Reminds me of how I was taught to speak Newfie. Repeat with just the right inflection:

whale-oil-beef-hooked


----------



## SINC

Uh, oh.

Dr. G. will have something to say about that one.


----------



## The Doug

*Q:* What goes oooOOOOOOOooooo ?

*A:* A cow with no lips.



(Okay it's stupid as hell, but that's all the more reason to share.)


----------



## SINC

The Doug said:


> (Okay it's stupid as hell, but that's all the more reason to share.)


Kind of like, "what do you call a dog with no legs"?

Nothing, it won't come anyway.


----------



## Dr.G.

"Uh, oh. Dr. G. will have something to say about that one." I cannot be the PC police for every thread.


----------



## Dr.G.

Now, had you written "what do you call a dog with no legs?" -- Answer, a doxie, then we might have had "words exchanged" between gentleman.


----------



## Carex

> whale-oil-beef-hooked


LOL!!

I remember seeing a team at the 24 Hour relay years ago with that team name. It took me about 23.5 hours to figure out that you need to say it with a Newfie accent to understand it. Makes for a good t-shirt though.


----------



## SINC

A chicken farmer goes into a local tavern, takes a seat at the bar next to a woman, and orders a glass of champagne. The woman perks up and says, "How about that? I just ordered a glass of champagne, too!" He turns to her and says, "What a coincidence. 

This is a special day for me, I'm celebrating." "This is a special day for me, too, and I'm also celebrating," says the woman. "What a coincidence," says the man. 

They clink glasses and he asks, "What are you celebrating?" "My husband and I have been trying to have a child. Today, my gynecologist told me I'm pregnant!" "What a coincidence," says the man. "I'm a chicken farmer. For years all my hens were infertile, but today they're finally fertile." 

"That's great," says the woman. "How did your chickens become fertile?" "I switched cocks," he replies. "What a coincidence," she said.


----------



## Dr.G.

Sinc, I think that this one is on the edge of what is acceptable humor. Still, since it does require a bit of thought to get the humor, it has its place in the Pantheon of Humor here in ehMacLand.


----------



## SINC

Dr.G. said:


> Sinc, I think that this one is on the edge of what is acceptable humor. Still, since it does require a bit of thought to get the humor, it has its place in the Pantheon of Humor here in ehMacLand.


Yep, I knew it was close, still it was worth a chuckle.


----------



## rhino

*Life*

On the first day God created the dog. God said, "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. I will give you a life span of twenty years."

The dog said, "That's too long to be barking. Give me ten years and I'll give you back the other ten."

So God agreed.

On the second day God created the monkey. God said, "Entertain people, do monkey tricks, make them laugh. I'll give you a twenty-year life span."

The monkey said, "Monkey tricks for twenty years? I don't
think so. Dog gave you back ten, so that's what I'll do too, okay?"

And God agreed..

On the third day God created the cow. "You must go to the
field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have
calves and give milk to support the farmer. I ! will give you a life
span of sixty years."

The cow said, "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. Let me have twenty and I'll give back the other forty."

And God agreed again.

On the forth day God created man. God said, "Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. I'll give you twenty years."

Man said, "What? Only twenty years! Tell you what, I'll take my twenty, and the forty the cow gave back and the ten the monkey gave back and the ten the dog gave back, that makes eighty, okay?"

Okay," said God, "You've got a deal."

So that is why the first twenty years we eat, sleep, play, and enjoy ourselves; for the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family; for the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren; and for the last ten years we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.

Life has now been explained to you.


----------



## Dr.G.

Rhino, and to think that for years philosophers have been trying to figure this out.


----------



## SINC

A kindergarten pupil told his teacher he'd found a cat, but it was dead. 

"How do you know that the cat was dead?" she asked her pupil. 

"Because I pissed in its ear and it didn't move," answered the child innocently. 

You did WHAT?!?" the teacher exclaimed in surprise. 

"You know," explained the boy, "I leaned over and went 'Pssst!' and it didn't move."


----------



## Dr.G.

Sinc, a linguistic joke. Quite good. I shall use it with my students.


----------



## MacNutt

Here's a few that will piss EVERYONE off. (far be it for ME to do that....lawdy sakes!)

Q- What do you tell a woman with two black eyes?
A-Nothing. Someone's already tried to tell her twice..and she still isn't listening.

A sandwich walks into a bar and says "gimme a beer"
The bartender says "No way...we don't serve food in here!"

A huge black guy walks into a bar with a big green parrot sitting on top of his head.
The bartender looks up and says "Where the HELL did you get _THAT??_"
The Parrot says, in an offhand way.. "Africa. There's _thousands_ of em!"

A frog is sitting on a lily pad, minding his own business. Suddenly, an eagle swoops down out of the sky and swallows the frog whole! Then the eagle flies back up into the sky.
The still intact frog gathers his wits and begins to swim back along the Eagles digestive tract, looking for an exit.
He gets to the eagles bu**h*le and prys it open. Then he looks down and sees the earth many thousands of feet below.

"Hey EAGLE!" says the frog.

"Yeah frog?" says the eagle.

"You wouldn't _SH*T_ me, now would ya?"


----------



## gwillikers

Rhino, that one (Life) is priceless!


----------



## SINC

A big city lawyer went duck hunting in rural Texas. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence. As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing. 

The lawyer responded, "I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now I'm going to retrieve it." The old farmer replied, "This is my property, and you're not coming over here." 

The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial attorneys in the country, and if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own." The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we settle disputes in Texas. We settle small disagreements like this with the Three Kick Rule." 

The lawyer asked, "What's the Three Kick Rule?" The farmer replied, "Well, because the dispute occurs on my land, first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times, and so on, back and forth, until someone gives up." The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom. 

The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the attorney. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy steel toed work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees. His second kick to the midriff knocked out three of the lawyer's teeth. The lawyer was on all fours when the farmer's third kick to his rear sent him face-first into a fresh cow pie. 

The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet. Wiping his face with the arm of his jacket, he said, "Okay, Now it's my turn." 

The old farmer smiled and said, "Naw, I give up. You can have the duck."


----------



## JAGflyer

Q: How do you know your dating a pilot?
A: He says: "Enough about me, let's talk about planes.


----------



## rhino

Thank you boys, now can we try to explain it to the girls?


----------



## SINC

An elderly man had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back, fixed up nice; picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees. The pond was properly shaped and fixed up for swimming. 

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a five gallon bucket to bring back some fruit. 

As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end. 

One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!" 

The old man frowned, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked." Holding the bucket up he said, "I'm just here to feed the alligator."


----------



## Dr.G.

Sinc, keep these up and you shall be given the title of "Dirty Old Man of ehMacLand".


----------



## SINC

Dr.G. said:


> Sinc, keep these up and you shall be given the title of "Dirty Old Man of ehMacLand".


Ah, that has a nice ring to it Dr. G.


----------



## ram55

Some alarming statistics!

Doctors:

(A) The number of doctors in the U.S. is 700,000

(B) Accidental deaths caused by physicians per year are 120,000

(C) Accidental deaths per physician is 17.14%

Statistics courtesy of the U.S.Dept of Health & Human Services


*GUNS*

(A) The number of gun owners in the U.S. is 80,000,000 (yes that's 80
million)

(B) The number of accidental gun deaths per year, all age groups, is
1,500

(C) The number of accidental deaths per gun owner is 0.001875%

Statistics courtesy of the FBI




So statistically, doctors are approximately 9,000 times more dangerous
than gun owners.


Remember, guns don't kill people, doctors do.

FACT: NOT EVERYONE HAS A GUN, BUT ALMOST EVERYONE HAS AT LEAST ONE DOCTOR.




Please alert your friends to this alarming threat. We must ban doctors.

before this gets completely out of hand!!!

Out of concern for the public at large, I have withheld statistics on
lawyers for fear the shock would cause people to panic and seek
medical attention.


----------



## Dr.G.

Sinc, just remember "Heavy is the head that wears the crown". Paix, mon ami.


----------



## FeXL

John & Marsha decided that the only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon quickie with their 8 year old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony with a popsicle and tell him to report on all the neighborhood activities. 

He began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation: 

"There's a car being towed from the parking lot" he shouted. A few moments passed. "An ambulance just drove by" A few moments later, "Looks like the Anderson's have company" he called out. "Matt's riding a new bike.....", "The Coopers are having sex!!" 

Startled, Mother and Dad shot up in bed. Dad cautiously asked "How do you know they are having sex?"

"Jimmy Cooper is standing out on his balcony with a popsicle too."


----------



## Dr.G.

My wife just sent me this:

ALL ARE WELCOME
OPEN TO MEN ONLY

Note: due to the complexity and level of difficulty, each course will
accept a maximum of eight participants each. Sign up early and get a
discount on registration. The course covers two days, and topics covered
in this course include:

DAY ONE

HOW TO FILL ICE CUBE TRAYS
Step by step guide with slide presentation

TOILET ROLLS- DO THEY GROW ON THE HOLDERS?
Roundtable discussion

DIFFERENCES BETWEEN LAUNDRY BASKET & FLOOR
Practicing with hamper. Pictures and graphics.

THE AFTER DINNER DISHES & SILVERWARE - DO THEY LEVITATE AND FLY INTO
KITCHEN SINK OR DISHWASHER BY THEMSELVES?
Debate among a panel of experts.

LOSS OF VIRILITY:
Losing the remote control to your significant other Help line and support groups

LEARNING HOW TO FIND THINGS, STARTING WITH LOOKING IN THE RIGHT PLACE
INSTEAD OF TURNING THE HOUSE UPSIDE DOWN WHILE SCREAMING.
Open forum

DAY TWO

EMPTY MILK CARTONS: DO THEY BELONG IN THE FRIDGE OR THE BIN?
Group discussion and role play

HEALTH WATCH - BRINGING HER FLOWERS IS NOT HARMFUL TO YOUR HEALTH.
PowerPoint presentation

REAL MEN ASK FOR DIRECTIONS WHEN LOST
Real life testimonial from the one man who did.

IS IT GENETICALLY IMPOSSIBLE TO SIT QUIETLY AS SHE PARALLEL PARKS?
Driving simulation

LIVING WITH ADULTS: BASIC DIFFERENCES BETWEEN YOUR MOTHER AND YOUR WIFE
Online class and role playing

HOW TO BE THE IDEAL SHOPPING COMPANION
Relaxation exercises, meditation and breathing techniques

REMEMBERING BIRTHDAYS, ANNIVERSARIES, OTHER IMPORTANT DATES AND CALLING
WHEN YOU'RE GOING TO BE LATE
Bring your calendar or PDA to class

GETTING OVER IT. LEARNING HOW TO LIVE WITH BEING WRONG ALL THE TIME


----------



## MaxPower

Maybe a bit off colour, but funny none the less.....




A man walks into a drug store with his 13-year old son. They happen to walk by the condom display, and the boy asks, "What are these, Dad?"
To which the man matter-of-factly replies, "Those are called condoms, son... Men use them to have safe sex."

"Oh I see," replied the boy pensively. "Yes, I've heard of that in health class at school." He looks over the display and picks up a package of 3 and asks, "Why are there 3 in this package?"

The Dad replies, "Those are for high school boys. One for Friday, one for Saturday, and one for Sunday." "Cool!" says the boy. He notices a 6 pack and asks, "Then who are these for?"

"Those are for college boys." The dad answers, "TWO for Friday, TWO for Saturday, and TWO for Sunday." "WOW!" exclaimed the boy, "then who uses THESE?" he asks, picking up a 12 pack!

With a sigh, the dad replied, "Those are for married men. One for January, one for February, one for March..."


----------



## Dr.G.

MP!!!!!!!!! I am shocked. And you a new father!!!!!!!!!!!


----------



## MaxPower

I know. I have a few of them. It's all in good fun though.


----------



## Dr.G.

MP, it may be "in good fun", but you are a new father. You should be setting an example for the rest of the ehMacLanders who look up to you. Even Sinc, who once prided himself as "a dirty old man" is now considering adopting a child..........or a doxie............or an RV................I forget.


----------



## MaxPower

I shall try to keep my jokes G rated from now on.


----------



## Dr.G.

MP, yes, DrG rated jokes are the best -- For example, "What did the mama broom say to the papa broom when he asked why there were no baby brooms? She said because that had not swept together yet."


----------



## poisonmonkey

This is something I heard a work.

What did the tie say to the hat?



You go on a-head, I'll just hang around!  Your daily cheese.


----------



## SINC

A popular bar had a new robotic bartender installed.

A fellow came in for a drink and the robot asked him, "What's your I.Q.?"

The man replied, "150."

The robot then proceeded to make conversation about Quantum physics, string theory, atomic chemistry and so on.
The man listened intently and thought, "This is really cool." The man decided to test the robot. He walked out of the bar, turned around, and came back in for another drink.

Again the robot asked him, "What's your I.Q.?"

The man responded, "100." 

So the robot started talking about football, baseball, and so on. The man thought to himself, "Wow, this is really cool."
The man went out and came back in a third time. 

As before the robot asked him, "What's your I.Q.?"

The man replied, "50."

The robot then said, "So, you gonna vote Liberal again?"

:rofl:


----------



## Carex

Sinc, that is way too easy. You could easily have written that joke from the Alberta perspective with the punch line "So, you gonna vote Conservative again?"


----------



## The Doug

The man walked over to the perfume counter and told the clerk he'd like a bottle of Chanel No.5 for his wife's birthday.

"A little surprise, eh?" smiled the clerk.

"You bet," answered the customer. "She's expecting a cruise."


----------



## BeeRich

*Penguins Can Drive*

A penguin takes his broken car to the garage. He leaves it with the mechanic and waddles over to the pub across the square. He orders a vanilla ice cream and has to eat it without a spoon, and gets it all over his beak, as he can't use his fins. 

He waddles back to the garage and the mechanic says "...looks like you blew a seal" to which the penguin replies...

"nah, that's just a little ice cream."


----------



## BeeRich

*Penguin In A Pub*

A penguin walks into a pub and sits down beside a dog. He says...

"How you doin'?", to which the dog says...

"Holy crap! A talking penguin!"


----------



## Ena

An old Scottish accent joke:

In Scotland a man goes into a bakery and asks the clerk a question. 
Customer: Is that a sponge cake in the window or a meringue?
Clerk: No, you're right, it is a sponge cake.


----------



## Sonal

Favourite joke as a kid:

Q: What did the big chimney say to the little chimney?
A: You're too young to smoke.


----------



## Dr.G.

My favorite sex-joke as a kid:

Why didn't the mama and papa broom have any baby brooms? Because they had not swept together yet.


----------



## SINC

I overheard a friend telling his pal, "I can't break my wife of the habit of staying up until 5 in the morning."

"What is she doing?" the pal asked.

"Waiting for me to get home."


----------



## Wolfshead

oh, Ena!


----------



## The Doug

An older gent wearing a stovepipe hat, a waistcoat and a phony beard sat down at a bar and ordered a drink. As the bartender set it down, he asked, "Going to a party?"

"Yeah," the man answered, "I'm supposed to come dressed as my love life."

"But you look like Abe Lincoln." protested the barkeeper.

"That's right," said the gentleman. "My last four scores were seven years ago."


----------



## SINC

Hehehe! :clap:


----------



## The Doug

A professor who had recently made a clone of himself was asked to tell about his accomplishment at a scientific convention held in a fifth floor hotel ballroom.

As he was giving his speech, the clone, who was sitting next to him, kept interrupting with a stream of filthy words.

Finally, the professor could no longer control his anger. He picked up the clone and started to throw him out the window. Fortunately, his colleagues stopped him just in time.

When the police arrived, they handcuffed the professor and booked him. The charge: trying to make an obscene clone fall.


----------



## SINC

I checked into a hotel on a business trip and being a bit lonely I thought I'd get me one of those ladies you see advertised almost everywhere.

I had a card complete with a telephone number and the photo of a lovely girl called Erogeonique. She was bending over in the photo, what a beautiful figure.

So I picked up the phone and dialled the number.

"May I help you?" a woman asks.

"Hi, I hear you do massage and I'd like you to come to my room and give me a massage...wait, I want sex... I need it now and badly. And talking kinky, the whole night, you name it we'll do it. Now how does that sound?"

She replies, "That sounds fantastic, but for an outside line you press 9".


----------



## MaxPower

Found this today.


----------



## Dr.G.

MP, but which one got there first????? Yes, it is a quandary, much like the "chicken or the egg" question.


----------



## The Doug

A travelling salesman rings the doorbell and 10-year old Little Johnny answers holding a beer and smoking a fat cigar. 

The salesman says, "Little boy, is your mother home?"

Little Johnny taps his ash on the carpet and says, "What the hell do you think?"


----------



## iLabmAn

I've told this joke to my students at the start of each school year. Drives them crazy....they ask for the answer and I respond: "Tell ya when ya graduate".

Two penguins are on an ice-field eating lunch.
One penguin turns to the other penguin and asks:
"Would you pass the salt?"
The other penguin responds:
"What do you think I am?...a goat?"


----------



## The Doug

You don't have to understand Swedish to get a chuckle out of this short video loop. Part of it is in an, ahem, _universal language_.


----------



## SINC

Hehehe! Why is it that fart jokes are so funny? Apparently even to women!

:clap:


----------



## Dr.G.

I guess that this was live TV, thus no editing possible.


----------



## SINC

Rrrrrrrrrrriiiiiiiipppp. Ooops, excuse me. Live forum and all.


----------



## Dr.G.

Sinc, potty humor is beneath you..........


----------



## used to be jwoodget

By way of my Scottish wife (one for MacNutt to enjoy):

A young Scottish lad and lassie were sitting on a low stone wall, holding hands, and just gazing out over the loch.

For several minutes they sat silently, then finally the girl looked at the boy and said, "A penny for your thoughts, Angus."

"Well, uh, I was thinkin'...perhaps it's aboot time for a wee kiss."

The girl blushed, then leaned over and kissed him. Then he blushed.

Then the two turned once again to gaze out over the loch. After a while the girl spoke again. "Another penny for your thoughts, Angus."

"Well, uh, I was thinkin'...perhaps its noo aboot time for a wee cuddle."

The girl blushed, then leaned over and cuddled him. Then he blushed.

Then the two turned once again to gaze out over the loch. After a while the girl spoke again. "Another penny for your thoughts, Angus."

"Well, uh, I was thinkin'...perhaps its aboot time you let me poot ma hand on your leg."

The girl blushed, then took his hand and put it on her leg. Then he blushed.

Then the two turned once again to gaze out over the loch. After a while the girl spoke again. "Another penny for your thoughts, Angus."

The young man knit his brow. "Well, now," he said, "My thoughts are a bit more serious this time."

"Really?" said the girl in a whisper, filled with anticipation.

"Aye," said the lad.

The girl looked away in shyness, began to blush, and bit her lip in anticipation of the ultimate request.

"Din'na ye think its aboot time ye paid me the first three pennies?"


----------



## used to be jwoodget

That one was MacNutt, this one's fer SINC:

A young guy from Ontario moves to Alberta and goes to a big "everything under the roof department store" looking for a job.

The manager says " Do you have any sales experience?"

The kid says " Yeah, I was a salesman back home in Toronto."

Well, the boss liked the kid so he gave him the job. "You start tomorrow, I'll come down after we close and see how you did."

His first day on the job was rough but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down, "How many sales did you make today?"

The kid says "one."

The boss says, "just one?!! Our sales people average 20 to 30 sales a day! How much was the sale for?"

The kid says " $101,237.64"

The boss says, "$101,237. 64? WHAT THE HELL DID YOU SELL?"

Kid says, " First I sold him a small fish hook, then I sold him a medium fish hook, then I sold him a larger fish hook, then I sold him a new fishing rod, then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down at the river, so I told him he was gonna need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him that twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4x4 Expedition."

The boss said, " A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a BOAT AND A TRUCK??"


The kid says, " No, he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his wife and I said, "Well, your weekend's shot, you might as well go fishing!"


----------



## SINC

And a humourous tale it was too, Laddie!


----------



## The Doug

A duck walked in a bar and asked, "Got any grapes?"

The bartender replied, "We don't sell grapes."

The duck leaves but returns later, and asked, "Got any grapes?"

The bartender replied, "I told you we don't sell grapes and if you come back here anymore asking for grapes, I'll nail your webbed feet to the floor."

The duck left but returned again later and asked, "Got any nails?"

"No," replied the bartender.

"Got any grapes?" the duck asked.


----------



## Gerbill

A termite walks into a saloon a saloon and asks, "Is the bar tender here?"


----------



## SINC

Never have been to a saloon a saloon.

Is it different than a saloon?


----------



## Carex

It's kinda like a bar I'm sure.


----------



## comprehab

sarcasim is fun.


----------



## Carex

So is sarcasm!!


----------



## SINC

Carex said:


> It's kinda like a bar I'm sure.


Isn't it more like a bar a bar?


----------



## The Doug

Are you being sarcasitc?


----------



## The Doug

A man walks into the street and manages to get a taxi just going by. He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, "Perfect timing. You're just like Moishe."

The passenger says, "Who?"

"Moishe Glickman," said the cabbie. "There's a guy who did everything right. Like my coming along when you needed a cab. It would have happened like that to Moishe every single time."

"There are always a few clouds over everybody," said the passenger.

"Not Moishe," said the cabbie. "He was a terrific athlete. He could have gone on the pro tour in tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano."

"Sounds like he was something, huh?" said the passenger.

The cabbie went on to say, "He had a memory like a computer. Could remember everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole neighborhood blacks out."

"Wow, he's some kind a guy, eh?" said the passenger.

"He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams, not like me, I always seem to get into them"

"Mmm, not many like that around," said the passenger.

"And he knew how make his wife feel good and he'd never answer her back even if she was in the wrong. His clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished all the time too."

"An amazing fellow," said the passenger. "How did you meet him?"

"Well, I never actually met Moishe," said the cabbie.

"Then how do you know so much about him?" inquired the passenger.

Replied the cabbie, "I married his widow."


----------



## The Doug

*Not A Joke Per Se, But...*



> _NBCSports.com news services
> Updated: 11:40 a.m. ET June 16, 2005_
> 
> Heavyweight boxer Kevin McBride said Mike Tyson bit him during McBride's sixth-round TKO victory over the former undisputed champion on Saturday night, the British newspaper The Sun reported Thursday.
> 
> "Tyson is crazy. He bit my nipple," McBride told the newspaper. "I didn't realize it at first but he had his teeth around it. I just felt a strange sensation and then realized what he'd done. He could not get up high enough to bite my ears — good job he wasn't a midget, otherwise he would have bitten something else."


----------



## DP004

Tyson sucks!


----------



## SINC

DP004 said:


> Tyson sucks!


No, he bites.


----------



## quiksilverkj

Why did the blonde bring a car door to the desert?

If it got hot, she could roll down the window!


----------



## The Doug

A man came into the doctor's office. "Doctor, I think I've got influenza."

"Okay," said the doctor. "Put your tongue out and stick your head out of the window."

"Will that make me feel better?" inquired the patient.

"No," said the doctor. "But I hate my neighbours across the street."


----------



## The Doug

A man was at the hospital awaiting surgery and he insisted that his son, a renowned surgeon, perform the operation. As he was about to be anaesthetised, he asked to speak to his son.

"Yes Dad, what is it?"

"Don't be nervous, do your best and just remember, if it doesn't go well, if something happens to me... your mother is going to come and live with you and your wife."


----------



## Paul O'Keefe

Okay... I've got one.

*A man walks into a bar and says, "Oww!"*


----------



## rneale

At the end of the tax year Revenue Canada sent an inspector to audit the Books of a synagogue. While he was checking the books he turned to the Rabbi and said, "I notice you buy a lot of candles. What do you do with the candle drippings?" 

"Good question," noted the Rabbi. "We save them up and send them back to the candle makers, and every now and then they send us a free box of candles." "Oh," replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer. 

But on he went, in his obnoxious way: 
"What about all these matzo purchases? What do you do with the crumbs?" 

"Ah, yes," replied the Rabbi, realising that the inspector was trying to trap him with an unanswerable question. "We collect them and send them back to the manufacturers, and every now and then they send a free box of matzo balls." "I see," replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the know-it-all Rabbi. 

"Well, Rabbi," he went on, "what do you do with all the leftover foreskins from the circumcisions you perform?" 

"Here, too, we do not waste," answered the Rabbi. "What we do is save up all the foreskins and send them to Revenue Canada , and about once a year they send us a complete dick." *


----------



## The Doug

Obi-Wan and Luke visited their favourite Chinese restaurant.

Soon enough they were enjoying a great meal, and this gave Obi-Wan a chance to show off his chopstick skills.

Luke admired how deftly Obi-Wan handled his chopsticks, and watched his teacher's hand movements closely. But Luke just couldn't get the hang of it, and dropped food in his lap, on the table, on the floor, all over.

Sensing his young protégé's growing frustration, Obi-Wan leaned over to him and said, "Use the fork, Luke."


----------



## rneale

Ouch!


----------



## ErnstNL

For those of us getting along in years, here is a little secret for building your arm and shoulder muscles. You might want to adopt this routine. Three days a week works well.

Begin by standing outside behind the house, with a 5-LB potato sack in each hand. Extend your arms straight out from your sides and hold them there as long as you can. Try to reach a full minute. Relax.

After one week move up to 10-LB potato sacks, then next week 50-LB potato sacks, and eventually try to get to where you can lift a 100-LB potato sack in each hand and hold your arms straight out for more than a full minute.

After you feel confident at that level, start putting a couple of potatoes in each of the sacks, but be careful not to overdo it.


----------



## Dr.G.

I trust those are good NL potatoes in those sack, ErnstNL. Paix.


----------



## ErnstNL

Wonderful blue potatoes. Mmmmm...


----------



## Dr.G.

With some fresh cabbage and a bit of corned beef.


----------



## The Doug

This year's Bulwer-Lytton Fiction Contest winners are...


----------



## PosterBoy

What's the difference between a Harley Davidson and a vacuum?

The vacuum has a dirtbag on the <em>inside</em>.


----------



## Dr.G.

PB, I would not repeat this joke too loudly in certain neighborhoods.


----------



## The Doug

*I Don't Write 'Em, I Just Pass 'Em Along...*

_The following are examples of letters that have been sent into Landlords:_

- I wish to complain that my father hurt his ankle very badly when he put his foot in the hole in his back passage. 

- The lavatory is blocked, this is caused by the boys next door throwing their balls on the roof. 

- This is to let you know that there is a smell coming from the man next door. 

- When the workmen were here they put their tools in my wife's new drawers and made a mess. Please send men with clean tools to finish the job and keep my wife happy. 

- The toilet seat is cracked: where do I stand?

- I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is running away from the wall. 

- I request your permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen.

- Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three pieces. 

- Can you please tell me when our repairs are going to be done as my wife is about to become an expectant mother.

- I want some repairs done to my stove as it has backfired and burnt my knob off. 

- I am still having trouble with smoke in my built in drawers. 

- The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is cleared. 

- The person next door has a large erection in his back garden, which is unsightly and dangerous.

- Will you please send someone to mend our cracked sidewalk. Yesterday my wife tripped on it and is now pregnant. 

- Our kitchen floor is very damp, we have two children and would like a third, so will you please send someone to do something about it.

- Will you please send a man to look at my water, it is a funny color and not fit to drink. 

- Would you please send a man to repair my downspout. I am an old age pensioner and need it straight away.

- Could you please send someone to fix our bath tap. My wife got her toe stuck in it and it is very uncomfortable for us. 

- I want to complain about the farmer across the road. Every morning at 5:30 his cock wakes me up, and it is getting too much.


----------



## Chipper

A large company, feeling it was time for a shakeup, hired a new CEO. This new boss was determined to rid the company of all slackers. On a tour of the facilities, the CEO noticed a guy leaning on a wall. The room was full of workers and he wanted to let them know that he meant business! The new CEO walked up to the guy leaning against the wall and asked, "How much money do you make a week?"

A little surprised, the young fellow looked at him and replied, "I make $300.00 a week. Why?"

The CEO then handed the guy $1,200 in cash and screamed, "Here's four weeks' pay, now GET OUT and don't come back." Feeling pretty good about himself, the CEO looked around the room and asked, "Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-off did here?"

From across the room came a voice, "Pizza delivery guy."


----------



## DJM

13 THINGS FOR MEN TO DO IN WALMART while his wife is taking her time...

(number 3 and 9 are my fav's)

1. Get 24 boxes of condoms & randomly put them in people's trolleys when they aren't looking.

2. Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5 minutes intervals.

3. Go into a fitting room, shut the door and wait a while... then yell loudly: "There's no toilet paper in here."

4. Walk up to an employee and tell him/her in an official tone: 'Code 3 in Housewares... and see what happens.

5. Go to the Service Desk and ask to put a bag of M&M's on credit.

6. Move a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

7. Set-up a tent in the Camping Department and tell other shoppers you are sleeping over and invite them in if they bring pillows from the Bedding Department.

8. When a clerk asks if they can help you, begin to cry and ask: "Why can't you people just leave me alone?"

9. Look right into the security camera, use it as a mirror and pick your nose.

10. While handling large knives in the Kitchen Dept, ask the clerk if he knows where the anti-depressants are located.

11. Dart around the store suspiciously, while loudly humming the theme from Mission Impossible.

12. Hide in a clothing rack . . . and when people browse through, say: "PICK ME!!! PICK ME!!!"

and last but not least...

13. When an announcement comes over the loudspeaker, hit the floor and assume the fetal position and scream "NO!...It's those voices again!!!"


----------



## The Doug

Did you hear the one about the kleptomaniac?

Yup, when it gets really bad he takes something for it.


----------



## MaxPower

Little Johnny wanted to go to the zoo and pestered his parents for days. Finally his mother talked his reluctant father into taking him.

When the day came, Little Johnny and his daddy got in the car and headed for the zoo. They were gone most of the day, and as the sun was setting, they arrived home.

"So how was it?" his mother asked Little Johnny.

"Great!" Little Johnny replied.

"Did you and your father have a good time?" asked his mother.

"Yeah, Daddy really liked it a lot," exclaimed Little Johnny excitedly, "especially when one of the animals came racing home at 30 to 1!"


----------



## The Doug

Heh heh...


----------



## Vexel

A guy came down from the hills, fell asleep on the beach for several 
hours, and got a horrible sunburn.

He went to the hospital and was promptly admitted after being 
diagnosed with second-degree burns. He was already starting to 
blister, and he was in agony.

The town doctor prescribed continuous intravenous feeding with 
saline and electrolytes, a sedative and a Viagra pill every four 
hours.

The nurse, rather astounded, asked, "What good will Viagra do him?"

The doctor replied, "It'll keep the sheets off his legs."


----------



## SINC

There was a papa mole, a mamma mole, and a baby mole. They lived in a hole out in the country near a farmhouse.
Papa mole poked his head out of the hole and said, "Mmmm, I smell sausage!" 

Mamma mole poked her head outside the hole and said, "Mmmm, I smell pancakes!" 

Baby mole tried to stick his head outside but couldn't because of the two bigger moles. Baby mole said, "The only thing I smell is molasses."


----------



## andrewenterprise

A doctor and a lawyer were talking at a party. 

Their conversation was constantly interrupted by people describing their ailments and asking the doctor for free medical advice. 

After an hour of this, the exasperated doctor asked the lawyer, "What do you do to stop people from asking you for legal advice when you're out of the office?"

"I give it to them," replied the lawyer, "and then I send them a bill."

The doctor was shocked, but agreed to give it a try. 

The next day, still feeling slightly guilty, the doctor prepared the bills.

When he went to place them in his mailbox, he found a bill from the lawyer.


----------



## The Doug

*Some Funny, Some Not*

1. Save The Whales. Collect The Whole Set.

2. A Day Without Sunshine Is Like ... Night.

3. On The Other Hand, You Have Different Fingers.

4. I Just Got Lost In Thought. It Wasn't Familiar Territory.

5. 42.7 Percent Of All Statistics Are Made Up On The Spot.

6. Light Travels Faster Than Sound, Which Is Why Some People Appear Bright Until You Hear Them Speak.

7. I Feel Like I'm Diagonally Parked In A Parallel Universe.

8. Honk If You Love Peace And Quiet.

9. Remember, Half The People You Know Are Below Average.

10. He Who Laughs Last, Thinks Slowest.

11. Depression Is Merely Anger Without Enthusiasm.

12. The Early Bird May Get The Worm, But The Second Mouse Gets The Cheese.

13. I Drive Way Too Fast To Worry About Cholesterol.

14. Support Bacteria. They're The Only Culture Some People Have.

15. Monday Is An Awful Way To Spend 1/7 Of Your Week.

16. A Clear Conscience Is Usually The Sign Of A Bad Memory.

17. Change Is Inevitable, Except From Vending Machines.

18. Get A New Car For Your Spouse. It'll Be A Great Trade!

19. Plan To Be Spontaneous Tomorrow.

20. Always Try To Be Modest, And Be Proud Of It!

21. If You Think Nobody Cares, Try Missing A Couple Of Payments.

22. How Many Of You Believe In Psycho-Kinesis? Raise My Hand.

23. Ok, So What's The Speed Of Dark?

24. How Do You Tell When You're Out Of Invisible Ink?

25. If Everything Seems To Be Going Well, You Have Obviously Overlooked Something.

26. When Everything Is Coming Your Way, You're In The Wrong Lane.

27. Hard Work Pays Off In The Future. Laziness Pays Off Now.

28. Everyone Has A Photographic Memory. Some Just Do Not Have Film.

29. If Barbie Is So Popular, Why Do You Have To Buy Her Friends?

30. How Much Deeper Would The Ocean Be Without Sponges?

31. Eagles May Soar, But Weasels Do Not Get Sucked Into Jet Engines.

32. What Happens If You Get Scared Half To Death Twice?

33. I Used To Have An Open Mind But My Brains Kept Falling Out.

34. I Couldn't Repair Your Brakes, So I Made Your Horn Louder.

35. Why Do Psychics Have To Ask You For Your Name?

36. Inside Every Older Person Is A Younger Person Wondering What Happened.


----------



## Cameo

The Outhouse 

Once there was a little boy that lived in the country. They had to use an outhouse, and the little boy hated it because it was hot in the summer and cold in the winter and stank all the time. The outhouse was sitting on the bank of a creek and the boy determined that one day he would
push that outhouse into the creek.

One day after a spring rain, the creek was swollen so the little boy decided today was the day to push the outhouse into the creek. So he
got a large pole and started pushing. Finally, the outhouse toppled into the creek and floated away.

That night his dad told him they were going to the woodshed after supper. Knowing that meant a spanking, the little boy asked why. The
dad replied, "Someone pushed the outhouse into the creek today. It was you, wasn't it son?" The boy answered "Yes father". 

Then he thought a moment and said, 
"Dad, I read in school today that George Washington chopped down a cherry tree and didn't get into trouble because he told the truth."

The dad replied, "Well, son, George Washington's father wasn't in the cherry tree."


----------



## Dr.G.

This just in from my wife.........

Gentlemen.............take heed..........


King Arthur and the Witch:



Young King Arthur was ambushed and imprisoned by the monarch of a
neighboring kingdom. The monarch could have killed him but was moved by
Arthur's youth and ideals. So, the monarch offered him his freedom, as long
as he could answer a very difficult question. Arthur would have a year to
figure out the answer and, if after a year, he still had no answer, he would
be put to death.

The question?....What do women really want? Such a question would perplex
even the most knowledgeable man, and to young Arthur, it seemed an
impossible query. But, since it was better than death, he accepted the
monarch's proposition to have an answer by year's end.

He returned to his kingdom and began to poll everyone: the princess, the
priests, the wise men and even the court jester. He spoke with everyone, but
no one could give him a satisfactory answer.

Many people advised him to consult the old witch, for only she would have
the answer.

But the price would be high; as the witch was famous throughout the kingdom
for the exorbitant prices she charged.

The last day of the year arrived and Arthur had no choice but to talk to the
witch. She agreed to answer the question, but he would have to agree to her
price first.

The old witch wanted to marry Sir Lancelot, the most noble of the Knights of
the Round Table and Arthur's closest friend!

Young Arthur was horrified. She was hunchbacked and hideous, had only one
tooth, smelled like sewage, made obscene noises, etc. He had never
encountered such a repugnant creature in all his life.

He refused to force his friend to marry her and endure such a terrible
burden; but Lancelot, learning of the proposal, spoke with Arthur.

He said nothing was too big of a sacrifice compared to Arthur's life and the
preservation of the Round Table.

Hence, a wedding was proclaimed and the witch answered Arthur's question
thus:

What a woman really wants, she answered....is to be in charge of her own
life.

Everyone in the kingdom instantly knew that the witch had uttered a great
truth and that Arthur's life would be spared.

And so it was, the neighboring monarch granted Arthur his freedom and
Lancelot and the witch had a wonderful wedding.

The honeymoon hour approached and Lancelot, steeling himself for a horrific
experience, entered the bedroom. But, what a sight awaited him. The most
beautiful woman he had ever seen lay before him on the bed. The astounded
Lancelot asked what had happened

The beauty replied that since he had been so kind to her when she appeared
as a witch, she would henceforth, be her horrible deformed self only half
the time and the beautiful maiden the other half.

Which would he prefer? Beautiful during the day....or night?

Lancelot pondered the predicament. During the day, a beautiful woman to show
off to his friends, but at night, in the privacy of his castle, an old
witch? Or, would he prefer having a hideous witch during the day, but by
night, a beautiful woman for him to enjoy wondrous intimate moments?

What would YOU do?

What Lancelot chose is below. BUT....make YOUR choice before you scroll down
below. OKAY?

















Noble Lancelot said that he would allow HER to make the choice herself.

Upon hearing this, she announced that she would be beautiful all the time
because he had respected her enough to let her be in charge of her own life.

Now....what is the moral to this story?


Scroll down












The moral is.....
If you don't let a woman have her own way....
Things are going to get ugly!


----------



## Cameo

A man was stopped by a game warden in Arkansas recently with two
ice chests of fish. He was leaving a cove well known for its fishing.

The game warden asked the man, "Do you have a license to catch those
fish?"

Naw, sir, I ain't got none of them thar licenses, no.. You must
understand these har are my pet fish."

Pet fish?" said the game warden.

Ya. Every night I take these har fish down to da lake and let them
swim 'round for a while. Then I whistle and they jump rat back into this
har ice chest and I take them home."

That's a bunch of hooey! Fish can't do that!" says the warden.

The man looked at the game warden for a moment and then said,
"It's the truth Mr. Government man, I'll show you. It really works."

Okay," said the game warden, " I've GOT to see this!"

The man poured the fish into the lake and stood and waited.
After several minutes, the game warden turned to him and said, "Well?"

Well, what?" said the man

The warden said, "When are you going to call them back?"

The ******* said, "Call who back?"

The FISH!" replied the warden.

What fish?" answered the man > >>>


----------



## HowEver

Dr.G. said:


> This just in from my wife.........
> 
> Gentlemen.............take heed..........
> 
> 
> King Arthur and the Witch:
> 
> 
> ...................


Dr. G, you are familiar with the "Wife of Bath's Tale" from the Canterbury Tales, no?


----------



## Dr.G.

HowEver, while I never professed to like Chaucer's "Canterbury Tales", I vaguely recall this section. The Wife of Bath presents herself as the authority on marriage and marital life is all I recall.


"Experience, though no authority
Were in this world, were good enough for me,
To speak of woe that is in all marriage;"


----------



## SINC

Worlds Shortest Fairy Tale:

Once upon a time, a guy asked a girl "Will you marry me?"

The girl said "No".

And the guy lived happily ever after and went golfing a lot.


----------



## SINC

Q: What is the difference between frustration and panic?

A: Frustration is the first time you discover you can't do it the second time. Panic is the second time you discover you can't do it the first time.


----------



## darkscot

Two turtles go camping and pack a cooler with sandwiches and beer. 
After three days of walking, they arrive at a great spot but realize 
they've forgotten a bottle opener. 

The first turtle turns to the second and says, "You've gotta go back 
and get the opener or else we will have no beer." 

"No way," says the second. "By the time I get back, you will have eaten 
all the food." 

"I promise I won't," says the turtle. "Just hurry!" 

Nine full days pass and there's still no sign of the second turtle. 
Exasperated and starving, the first turtle digs into the sandwiches. 

Suddenly, the second turtle pops out from behind a rock and yells, "I 
knew it! I'm not ****ing going!"


----------



## Cameo

Subject: FW: life explained


On the first day, God created the dog and said:
"Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at
anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will
give you a life span of twenty years
The dog said:
"That's a long time to be barking. How about only
ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?"
So God agreed.

On the second day, God created the monkey and said:
"Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh.
For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span."
The monkey said:
"Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty
long time to perform. How about I give you back ten
like the Dog did?"
And God agreed.

On the third day, God created the cow and said:
"You must go into the field with the farmer all day
long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give
milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will
give you a life span of sixty years."
The cow said:
"That's kind of a tough life you want me to live
for sixty years. How about twenty and I'll give back
the other forty?"
And God agreed again.

On the fourth day, God created man and said:
"Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For
this, I'll give you twenty years.

But man said:
"Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my
twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the
monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that
makes eighty, okay?"
"Okay," said God, "You asked for it."


So that is why the first twenty years we eat,
sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty
years we slave in the sun to support our family. For
the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain
the grandchildren. And for the last ten years we sit
on the front porch and bark at everyone.
Life has now been explained to you.


----------



## Dr.G.

Cameo, sticking with your biblical theme, here is a reading from "The Book of Dachshunds" --

Dachshund Creation

On the first day, God created the dachshund and S/He saw that s/he was good.

On the second day, God created man, and well, God was not impressed.

On the third day, God and the dachshund met to decide what to do with the man and they determined he should be the dachshunds servant. 

On the fourth day, God and the dachshund trained the man to get food, get water and to make a fuss over the dachshund.

On the fifth day, the dachshund said to God, "Hey, Lord, this is kind of fun to be waited on foot and foot, but what's next? " So God created woman. That same day, God and the dachshund began the woman's training.

She was trained to tell the man exactly when to get water and when exactly to get food so that God and the dachshund would not have to be bothered.

On the sixth day, the woman found some apples and told the man to take them to the dachshund. The dachshund, on seeing the apples said, "Hey! Those are God's apples off His tree, we are not supposed to eat them!"

The man said, "OK, I will eat them myself!" And he did and shared them with the woman. Well, God got pretty ticked and God threw the man and woman out of the area. And God was left alone with the dachshund. 

On the seventh day, God thought about taking a rest, but the dachshund was hungry and thirsty and God had to get up early to take care of the dachshund because the man and the woman were gone.

Once God got used to getting up really early to tend to dachshunds needs, things settled into a sort of routine. God would get up, dig the dachshund out of its warm burrow in the clouds and take the dachshund to an area to take care of business. This is where hail comes from.

Later, God would find the dachshund food and feed it from Her/His own hand and give the dachshund over to the angels with which to play. The dachshund would race back and forth over the clouds with the angels in tow, racing here and there and tearing up the sky. This is where tornadoes come from; from dachshunds running back and forth over the tops of the clouds.

In the evening, after the dachshund was really tired after playing with the angels, God would take it back into its bed, burrowed in the clouds.

But the dachshund always wanted a night light on. This is where sunsets come from; the dachshund's night light.

And God has been looking after little dachshunds ever since.


----------



## The Doug

99-year-old George ran into his friend, 97-year-old Stan, at the hardware store.

"Stan," George said excitedly. "My new hearing aid finally came. It is the best that money can buy. I paid $10,000 but it was worth every penny."

"What kind is it?" asked Stan, intrigued.

"Ten to three," replied George.


----------



## SINC

An Amish boy and his father were in a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.

The boy asked, "What is this Father?"

The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is."

While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheel chair moved up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room.

The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small circular numbers above the walls light up sequentially. They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order. Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous 24-year-old blonde stepped out. 

The father said quietly to his son . . . "Go get your mother"


----------



## MissGulch

A man was walking one day, when he came to this big house in a nice neighborhood. Suddenly he realized there was a nude couple making love out on the lawn. Then he noticed another couple over behind a tree. Then another couple behind some bushes by the house. He walked up to the door of the house and knocked. A well-dressed woman answered the door and the man asked what kind of a place this was. "This is a brothel," replied the madam. "Well, what's all this out on the lawn?" queried the man. "Oh, we're having a yard sale today."


----------



## Dr.G.

Sinc, Miss G., I just had my morning chuckle. Merci.


----------



## The Doug

Marvin The Robot from the _Hitchhiker's Guide To The Galaxy_ is apparently now a web server...


----------



## Dr.G.

JOHN CLEESE'S ADDRESS TO THE US CITIZENS

In light of your failure to elect a competent President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately. Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (excepting Kansas, which she does not fancy).

Your new prime minister, Tony Blair, will appoint a governor for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed. To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then look up aluminum, and check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'favour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters and the suffix ize will be replaced by the suffix ise. Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (look up vocabulary).

Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. There is no such thing as US English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of -ize. You will relearn your original national anthem, God Save the Queen.

July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.

You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not adult enough to be independent. Guns should only be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you're not grown up enough to handle a gun. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. A permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and this is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.

The former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline)-roughly $6/US gallon. Get used to it.

You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.

The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.

Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as Good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie MacDowell attempt English dialogue in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.

You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will,
in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty Seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies).

Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable.

You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.

An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776). Thank you for your co-operation.


----------



## MissGulch

All this is fine except for the french fry rule. Can't imagine eating them with vinegar. Also, the metric stuff. I don't understand it, or like it.


----------



## SINC

Boy oh boy, you don't know what you're missing. French fries with a sprinkle of vinegar, a little salt, and heck even some ketchup is great!

Wish my diet still allowed them more than a few times a year.


----------



## Dr.G.

Sinc, I have finally gotten to like homemade fries with a bit of vinegar.


----------



## SINC

Little Zachary was doing very badly in math. His parents had tried everything tutors, mentors, flash cards, special learning centers. In short, everything they could think of to help his math.

Finally, in a last ditch effort, they took Zachary down and enrolled him in the local Catholic school. After the first day, little Zachary came home with a very serious look on his face. He didn't even kiss his mother hello.

Instead, he went straight to his room and started studying. Books and papers were spread out all over the room and little Zachary was hard at work. His mother was amazed. She called him down to dinner. To her shock, the minute he was done, he marched back to his room without a word, and in no time, he was back hitting the books as hard as before.

This went on for some time, day after day, while the mother tried to understand what made all the difference.

Finally, little Zachary brought home his report card. He quietly laid it on the table, went up to his room and hit the books.

With great trepidation, his Mom looked at it and to her great surprise, little Zachary got an "A" in math.

She could no longer hold her curiosity. She went to his room and*said, "Son, what was it? Was it the nuns?"

Little Zachary looked at her and shook his head, no.

"Well, then," she replied, was it the books, the discipline, the structure, the uniforms?* WHAT WAS IT ALREADY"

Little Zachary looked at her and said, "Well, on the first day of school when I saw that guy nailed to the plus sign, I knew they weren't fooling around."


----------



## Dr.G.

Sinc, you are going to get it for this one. Trust me on this one.


----------



## SINC

Get It? But Dr. G., I got it! That's why I posted it!


----------



## Dr.G.

Sinc, you shall "get it" even more then.......when you least expect it.........trust me on this one. Paix, mon frere.


----------



## markceltic

I got this from an American friend :TWO COWS and the world in which we live.


DEMOCRAT

You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. You feel guilty for being 
successful. Barbara Streisand sings for you.


REPUBLICAN

You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. So?


SOCIALIST

You have two cows. The government takes one and gives it to your 
neighbor. You form a cooperative to tell him how to manage his cow.


COMMUNIST

You have two cows. The government seizes both and provides you with 
milk. You wait in line for hours to get it. It is expensive and sour.


CAPITALISM, AMERICAN STYLE

You have two cows. You sell one, buy a bull, and build a herd of cows.


DEMOCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE

You have two cows. The government taxes you to the point you have to 
sell both to support a man in a foreign country who has only one cow, 
which was a gift from our government.


BUREAUCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE

You have two cows. The government takes them both, shoots one, milks 
the other, pays you for the milk, and then pours the milk down the 
drain.


AMERICAN CORPORATION

You have two cows. You sell one, lease it back to yourself and do an 
IPO on the 2nd one. You force the two cows to produce the milk of four 
cows. You are surprised when one cow drops dead. You spin an announcement 
to the analysts stating you have downsized and are reducing expenses. 
Your stock goes up.


FRENCH CORPORATION

You have two cows. You go on strike because you want three cows. You go 
to lunch and drink wine. Life is good.


JAPANESE CORPORATION

You have two cows. You redesign them so they are one tenth the size of 
an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. They learn to travel 
on unbelievably crowded trains. Most are at the top of their class at 
cow school.


GERMAN CORPORATION

You have two cows. You engineer them so they are all blond, drink lots 
of beer, give excellent quality milk, and run a hundred miles an hour. 
Unfortunately they also demand 13 weeks of vacation per year.


ITALIAN CORPORATION

You have two cows but you don't know where they are. While ambling 
around, you see a beautiful woman. You break for lunch. Life is good.


RUSSIAN CORPORATION

You have two cows. You also have some vodka. You count the cows and 
learn you have five. You drink more vodka. You count them again and learn 
you have 42 cows. The Mafia shows up and takes over however many cows 
you really have


TALIBAN CORPORATION

You have all the cows in Afghanistan, which are two. You don't milk 
them because you cannot touch any creature's private parts. Then you kill 
them and claim a US bomb blew them up while they were in the hospital.


IRAQI CORPORATION

You have two cows. They go into hiding. They send radio tapes of their 
mooing.


POLISH CORPORATION

You have two bulls. Employees are regularly maimed and killed 
attempting to milk them.


FLORIDA CORPORATION

You have a black cow and a brown cow. Everyone votes for the best 
looking one. Some of the people, who like the brown one best, vote for the 
black one. Some people vote for both. Some people vote for neither. Some 
people can't figure out how to vote at all. Finally, a bunch of guys 
from out-of-state tell you which is the best looking cow.


CALIFORNIAN

You have a cow and a bull. The bull is depressed. It has spent its life 
living a lie. It goes away for two weeks. It comes back after a 
taxpayer-paid sex-change operation. You now have two cows. One makes milk; the 
other doesn't. You try to sell the transgender cow. Its lawyer sues you 
for discrimination. You lose in court. You sell the milk-generating cow 
to pay the damages. You now have one rich, transgender, 
non-milk-producing cow. You change your business to beef. PETA pickets your farm. 
Jesse Jackson makes a speech in your driveway. Cruz Bustamante calls for 
higher farm taxes to help "working cows." Hillary Clinton calls for the 
nationalization of 1/7 of your farm "for the children." Before he left 
office, Gray Davis signed a bill giving your farm to Mexico. The L.A. 
Times quotes five anonymous cows claiming you groped their teats. You 
declare bankruptcy and shut down all operations. The cow starves to death. 
The L.A.Times' analysis shows your business failure is Bush's!
fault. (But really it's not too far from the truth, lol)


----------



## MissGulch

Progression of a man's sex life:
Tri-weekly.
Try weekly.
Try weakly.


----------



## SINC

Sitting in a coffee shop a fellow notices a young lady reading the paper at the next table.

He notes the headline: "12 Brazilian residents perish in disaster".

She looks at him and says, "Isn't that awful?

He of course agrees.

She then asks, "Just how many are a brazilian anyways?


----------



## Cameo

Always thought those little green garden snakes were O.K.? 
Read on...
*
Green Garden Grass snakes can be dangerous. Yes, grass snakes, not rattlesnakes. A couple in Sweetwater, Texas, had a lot of potted plants, and during a recent cold spell, the wife was bringing a lot of them indoors to protect them from a possible freeze. It turned out that a little green garden grass snake was hidden in one of the plants and when it had warmed up, it slithered out and the wife saw it go under the sofa. She let out a very loud scream.
*
The husband who was taking a shower ran out into the living room naked to see what the problem was. She told him there was a snake under the sofa. He got down on the floor on his hands and knees to look for it. About that time the family dog came and cold-nosed him in the butt. 

He thought the snake had bitten him and he fainted. His wife thought* he had a heart attack, so she called an ambulance. The attendants rushed in and loaded him on the stretcher and started carrying him out. About that time the snake came out from under the sofa and the 
Emergency Medical Technician saw it and dropped his end of the* stretcher. That's when the man broke his leg and why he is in the hospital.
*
The wife still had the problem of the snake in the house, so she 
called on a neighbor man. He volunteered to capture the snake. He armed himself with a rolled-up newspaper and began poking under the couch. Soon he decided it was gone and told the woman, who sat down 
on the sofa in relief. But in relaxing, her hand dangled in between 
the cushions, where she felt the snake wriggling around. She screamed and fainted, the snake rushed back under the sofa, and the neighbor man, seeing her laying there passed out tried to use CPR to revive her.
*
The neighbor's wife, who had just returned from shopping at the 
grocery store, saw her husband's mouth on the woman's mouth and slammed her husband in the back of the head with a bag of canned goods, knocking him out and cutting his scalp to a point where it needed stitches. An ambulance was again called and it was determined that the injury required hospitalization.
*
The noise woke the woman from her dead faint and she saw her neighbor lying on the floor with his wife bending over him, so she assumed he had been bitten by the snake. She went to the kitchen, brought back a small bottle of whiskey, and began pouring it down the man's throat. 
By now the police had arrived. They saw the unconscious man, smelled the whiskey, and assumed that a drunken fight had occurred. They were about to arrest them all, when the two women tried to explain how it all happened over a little green snake.
*
They called an ambulance, which took away the neighbor and his sobbing wife. Just then the little snake crawled out from under the couch. One of the policemen drew his gun and fired at it. He missed the snake and hit the leg of the end table that was on one side of the sofa. The 
table fell over and the lamp on it shattered and as the bulb broke, it started a fire in the drapes. The other policeman tried to beat out the flames and fell through the window into the yard on top of the family dog, who startled, jumped up and raced out into the street, where an oncoming car swerved to avoid it and smashed into the parked police car and set it on fire.
*
Meanwhile the burning drapes had spread to the walls and the entire house was blazing. Neighbors had called the fire department and the arriving fire-truck had started raising his ladder as they were halfway down the street. The rising ladder tore out the overhead wires and put out the electricity and disconnected the telephones in a ten-square city block area.
*
Time passed ----
*
Both men were discharged from the hospital, the house was rebuilt, the police acquired a new car, and all was right with their world -------
*
About a year later they were watching TV and the weatherman announced a cold snap for that night. The husband asked his wife if she thought* they should bring in their plants for the night. 
*
She shot him.



My dad sent me that one


----------



## Dr.G.

Good one, Cameo.....................except the part of the husband getting shot. I once said to my wife "Why don't we get some goldfish instead of dachshunds......" Needless to say, that did NOT go over too well with my wife.


----------



## SINC

An Air Canada plane took off from Toronto's Pearson airport.

After it reached its cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom: "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight 293 non-stop from Toronto to Vancouver. The weather ahead is good and we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax.

OH, MY GOD!"

Silence followed.

After a few minutes, the captain came back on the intercom. "Ladies and gentlemen," he said, "I'm sorry if I scared you earlier. While I was talking to you, a flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!"

A passenger in coach yelled, "That's nothing. You should see the back of mine!"


----------



## Dr.G.

Sinc, an oldie but a goodie. I heard this first when the airline was Pan Am..........of course, that was back when there was a Pan American Airlines.


----------



## The Doug

*Real News Item*



> *Speeding Fines Repaid*
> 
> (Mon 26 Sep 05)
> 
> Car Parts Direct has admitted to refunding customers' speeding fines to the tune of over £10,000. The mail order company, which supplies the Quintezz speed camera spotter, offered to reimburse the £60 fine if any of its customers bought a Quintezz device and was subsequently caught speeding. The large number of claims has been caused partly because Car Parts Direct *did not specify that the detector had to be switched on at the time of the offence*, but spokesman Mark Cornwall says that it is "mainly due to a massive increase in mobile speed cameras.
> 
> "We have sold over 11,000 Quintezz units in the last two years," he adds. "That means that 98.5% of our customers have not needed to claim - they have stayed within the law. That's good news for us, our customers, other road users and pedestrians. We will continue to supply the Quintezz complete with our £60 cashback guarantee and review the claims situation in January 2006."


Original story here


----------



## Cameo

A cardiologist died and was given an elaborate
funeral. A huge heart covered in flowers stood behind
the casket during the service.

Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket
rolled inside. The heart then closed, sealing the
doctor in the beautiful heart forever.

At that point, one of the mourners burst into
laughter. When all eyes stared at him, he said, "I'm
sorry, I was just thinking of my own funeral... I'm a gynecologist."

That's when the proctologist fainted.


----------



## MACSPECTRUM

Donald Rumsfeld is giving the president his daily briefing. He concludes by
saying: "Yesterday, 3 Brazilian soldiers were killed."

"OH NO!" the President exclaims. "That's terrible!"

His staff sits stunned at this display of emotion, nervously watching as the
President sits, head in hands.

Finally, the President looks up and asks, "How many is a brazillion?"


----------



## Dr.G.

The Washington Post's Mensa Invitational once again asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition.

Here are this year's winners:

1. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period of time.

2. Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an asshole.

3. Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.

4. Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.

5. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.

6. Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.

7. Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.

8. Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.

9. Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

10. Hipatitis: Terminal coolness.

11. Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)

12. Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.

13. Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.

14. Glibido: All talk and no action.

15. Dopeler effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.

16. Arachnoleptic fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.

17. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.

18. Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a worm in the fruit you're eating.


----------



## Guest

LMAO, wiping tears from my eyes, that's great Dr.G.


----------



## MACSPECTRUM

*You know you live on the Gulf Coast if:*

You know you live on the Gulf Coast if:



1. You have FEMA's number on your speed dialer.

2. You have more than 300 'C' and 'D' batteries in your kitchen
drawer.

3. Your pantry contains more than 20 cans of Spaghetti Os.

4. You are thinking of repainting your house to match the plywood
covering your windows.

5. When describing your house to a prospective buyer, you say it
has three bedrooms, two baths, and one safe hallway.

6. Your SSN isn't a secret, it's written in Sharpie on your arms.

7. You are on a first-name basis with the cashier at Home Depot.

8. You are delighted to pay $3 for a gallon of regular unleaded.

9. The road leading to your house has been declared a 'No-Wake'
Zone.

10. You decide that your patio furniture looks better on the bottom
of the pool.

11. You own more than three large coolers.

12. You can wish that other people get hit by a hurricane and not
feel the least bit guilty about it.

13. You rationalize helping a friend board up by thinking, "It'll
only take a gallon of gas to get there and
back."

14. You have 2-liter coke bottles and milk jugs filled with water in
your freezer.

15. Three months ago you couldn't hang a shower curtain; today you
can assemble a portable generator by candlelight.

16. You catch a 13-pound redfish ---- in your driveway.

17. You can recite from memory whole portions of your homeowner's
insurance policy.

18. At cocktail parties, women are attracted to the guy with the
biggest chainsaw.

19. You have had tuna fish more than 5 days in a row.

20. There is a roll of tarpaper in your garage.

21. You can rattle off the names of three or more meteorologists who
work at the Weather Channel and
every single newscaster and reporter at all of the major stations in
town.

22. Someone comes to your door to tell you they found your roof.

23. Ice is a valid topic of conversation.

24. Your "drive-thru" meal consists of MRE's and bottled water.

25. Relocating to South Dakota does not seem like such a crazy idea.

26. You spend more time on your roof then in your living room.

27. You've been laughed at over the phone by a roofer, fence builder,
or a tree worker.

28. You don't worry about relatives wanting to visit during the
summer.

29. Your child's first words are "hunker down" and you didn't go to
Ole Miss!

30. Having a tree in your living room does not necessarily mean it's
Christmas.

31. You know the difference between the "good side" of a storm and
the "bad side."

32. Your kids start school in August and finish in July.

33. You go to work early and stay late just to enjoy the air
conditioning.

34. You get phone calls from family members saying they've found
bread at a store 6 miles away... and you hurry to get there.

35. You wait in line for 45 minutes for a loaf of bread and don't
mind because at least you have bread.

36. A battery powered TV is considered a home entertainment center.


----------



## Dr.G.

mguertin, it was from Mensa, so thank them. Many of the definitions are quite good.


----------



## Ingenu

Leaving Minnesota for Colorado, I decide to make a stop at one of those rest areas on the side of the road. I go in the washroom. The first stall was taken so I went in the second stall. I just sat down when I hear a voice from the next stall... 

"Hi there, how is it going?" 

Okay, I am not the type to strike conversations with strangers in washrooms on the side of the road. I didn't know what to say so finally I say: 

"Not bad..." 

Then the voice says: 

"So, what are you doing?" 

I am starting to find that a bit weird, but I say: 

"Well, I'm going back to Colorado..." 

Then I hear the person say all flustered: 

"Look I'll call you back, every time I ask you a question this idiot in the next stall keeps answering me."


----------



## SINC

While attending a marriage seminar dealing with communication, Tom and his wife Grace listened to the instructor, "It is essential that husbands and wives know each other's likes and dislikes." He addressed the man, "Can you name your wife's favorite flower?" Tom leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently and whispered, "It's Robin Hood, isn't it?


----------



## The Great Waka

Came across this one again today: 

Microsoft Dinner 98
INSTRUCTIONS FOR MICROSOFT'S NEW TV DINNER PRODUCT: 


You must first remove the plastic cover. By doing so you agree to 
accept and honor Microsoft rights to all TV dinners. You may not 
give anyone else a bite of your dinner (which would constitute an 
infringement of Microsoft's rights). You may, however, let others 
smell and look at your dinner and are encouraged to tell them how 
good it is. 

If you have a PC microwave oven, insert the dinner into the oven. 
Set the oven using these keystrokes: 

mstv.dinn.//[email protected]%heat 

Then enter: 
ms//start.cook_dindin/yummy\|/yum~yumgohot#cookme. 

If you have a Macintosh microwave oven, insert the dinner and press 
start. The oven will set itself and cook the dinner. 

If you have a Unix microwave oven, insert the dinner, enter the 
ingredients of the dinner found on the package label, the weight of 
the dinner, and the desired level of cooking and press start. The 
oven will calculate the time and heat and cook the dinner exactly to 
your specification. 

Be forewarned that Microsoft dinners may crash, in which case your 
oven must be restarted. This is a simple procedure. Remove the 
dinner from the oven and enter: 

ms.nodamn.good/tryagain\again/again.crap 

This process may have to be repeated. Try unplugging the microwave 
and then doing a cold reboot. If this doesn't work, contact your 
oven vendor. The oven itself is obviously on the blink. 

Many users have reported that the dinner tray is far too big, larger 
than the dinner itself, having many useless compartments, most of 
which are empty. These are for future menu items. If the tray is too 
large to fit in your oven, you will need to upgrade your equipment. 
Dinners are only available from registered outlets, and only the 
chicken variety is currently produced. If you want another variety, 
call Microsoft Help and they will explain that you really don't want 
another variety. Microsoft Chicken is all you really need. 

Microsoft has disclosed plans to discontinue all smaller versions of their chicken dinners. Future releases will only be in the larger family size. Excess chicken may be stored for future use, but must be saved only in Microsoft approved packaging. 

Microsoft promises a dessert with every dinner after '98. However, 
that version has yet to be released. Users have permission to get 
thrilled in advance. 

Microsoft dinners may be incompatible with other dinners in the 
freezer, causing your freezer to self-defrost. This is a feature, 
not a bug. Your freezer probably should have been defrosted anyway.


----------



## The Doug

It was almost Christmas, and a judge was in a merry mood as he asked a prisoner, "What are you charged with?"

"Doing my Christmas shopping early." replied the prisoner.

"That's no offense." said the judge. "How early were you doing this shopping?"

"Before the store opened." came the reply.


----------



## SINC

Three tipsy Irishmen were in a cemetery, searching for the oldest person buried there. 

One of the men, Shamus, yells out, "Here's a fella that died when he was 145 years old!" 

"What was his name?" asks Paddy. 

Shamus lights a match to see what else is written on the stone marker, and exclaims, "Miles, from Dublin."


----------



## Dr.G.

Sinc, as the old Irish saying goes, "May you be in heaven 1/2 an hour before the devil knows you are dead"..................but in your case, you might need at least an hour's head start with jokes like this one. Paix, mon frere.


----------



## Aurora

GOVERNMENTIUM
A major research institution has recently announced the discovery of the heaviest element yet known to science. The new element has been named "Governmentium". Governmentium has one neutron, 12 assistant neutrons, 75 deputy neutrons and 224 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312. These 312 particles are held together by forces called morons which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons.

Since Governmentium has no electrons, it is inert. However, it can be detected because it impedes every action with which it comes into contact. A seconds worth of exposure to Governmentium will cause any action to take four hundred times longer to complete and cost five times as much.

Governmentium has a normal half-life of 4 years; it does not decay but instead undergoes a reorganization in which a portion of the assistant neutrons and deputy neutrons change places. In fact, Governmentium's mass will actually increase over time since each reorganization will cause more morons to become neutrons, forming isodopes. This characteristic of moron promotion leads some scientists to believe that Governmentium is formed whenever morons reach a certain quantity in concentration. This hypothetical quantity is called "Critical Morass".

When catalyzed with money, Governmentium becomes Administratium (aka Bureaucratium)-an element which radiates as much energy as the Governmentium but has half as many peons and twice as many morons.


----------



## The Doug

*Funny Signs & Want Ads*

*Pets*
Lost: Small apricot poodle - Reward. Neutered, just like one of the family.

Dog For Sale: Great Dames.

Dog For Sale: Eats anything; especially fond of children.

*From the Kitchen*
A superb and inexpensive restaurant. Fine food expertly served by waitresses in appetizing forms.

7 ounces of choice sirloin steak, boiled to your likeness and smothered with golden fried onion rings.

Dinner Special - Chicken or Beef $2.25; Turkey $2.35; Children $2.00

*Antiques*
For sale: An antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers.

For sale: Four-posted bed, 101 years old, perfect for antique lover.

*Vacation*
Vacation Special: have your home exterminated.

Mt. Kilimanjaro, the breathtaking backdrop for the Serena Lodge. Swim in the lovely pool while you drink it all in.

The hotel has bowling alleys, tennis courts, comfortable beds, and other athletic facilities.

*Wanted*
Wanted: 50 girls for stripping machine operators in factory.

Wanted: Unmarried girls to pick fresh fruit and produce at night.

Wanted: Part-time marred girls for soda fountain in sandwich shop.

Wanted: Chambermaid in rectory. Love in, 200 a month; References required.

Wanted: Girl to assist magician in cutting-off-head illusion. Salary and Blue Cross.

Wanted: Mother's helper, peasant working conditions.

Wanted: Widower with school-age children requires a person to assume general housekeeping duties. Must be capable of contributing to growth of family.

Wanted: 3-year-old teacher needed for preschool; Experience preferred.

Wanted: Man to take care of cow that does not smoke or drink.

*Services*
Our experienced Mom will care for your child. Fenced yard, meals and smacks included.

Ears pierced - while you wait!

Save regularly in our bank. You'll never reget it.

We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by hand.

Tired of cleaning yourself? Let me do it.

*Miscellaneous*
Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to take home too.

Have several very old dresses from grandmother in beautiful condition.

Offer expires December 31 or while supplies last.

Stock up and save. Limit: one per customer

See ladies blouses. 50% off!

Sheer stockings. Designed for fancy dress, but so serviceable that lots of women wear nothing else.

Our bikinis are exciting. They are simply the tops!

Used Cars: Why go elsewhere to be cheated? Come here first!

Christmas tag-sale. Hand made gifts for the hard-to-find person.

Modular Sofas. Only $299 For rest or fore play

Auto Repair Service. Free pickup and delivery. Try us once, and you'll never go anywhere again.

Mixing bowl set designed to please a cook with round bottom for efficient beating.

Semi-Annual after-Christmas Sale.

And now, the Superstore - unequaled in size, unmatched in variety, unrivaled inconvenience.

We will oil your sewing machine and adjust tension in your home for $1.

*Radio Spots*
Ladies and gentlemen, now you can have a bikini for a ridiculous figure.

When you are thirsty, try 7-Up, the refreshing drink in the green bottle with the big 7 on it and the u-p after.

Tune in next week for another series of classical music programs from the Canadian Broadcorping Castration.

Illiterate? Write for free information.


----------



## The Doug

For your bookmark collection...


----------



## Cameo

For his birthday, little Patrick asked for a 10-speed bicycle. His father said, "Son, we'd give you one, but the mortgage on thishouse is $80,000 & your mother just lost her job. There's no way we can afford it."

The next day the father saw little Patrick heading out the front door with a suitcase. So he asked, "Son, where are you going?"

Little Patrick told him, "I was walking past your room last night and heard you telling mom you were pulling out. Then I heard her tell you to wait because she was coming too. And I'll be damned if I'm staying here by myself with an $80,000 mortgage & no bike!"


----------



## BushLeague

*One of my favourites*

This is an old one but still my favourite "teacher" joke-

A teacher is explaining to his class of high school students about an upcoming exam.

"No excuses will be accepted for your absence or poor performance on this test", said the teacher. He continued, "We have covered the topic thoroughly and you will have ample time to study for the test and as such, no excuses, will be accepted."

Naturally a hand goes up from the back row.
"Yes, Tom" says the teacher.

"Well, sir, what about sexual exhaustion as an excuse?" 

Of course the entire class erupts into laughter. The teacher, head down, patiently waits for the laughter to subside before answering...

"Sorry, Tom, you can write with your other hand."


----------



## gwillikers

_I apologize in advance if this joke offends anyone, and I also apologize if it was previously posted in this thread..._ 

=======================================

A guy in a bar stood up and shouted, "Lawyers are a$$holes!"

A guy at the other end of the bar shouted back "I resent that."

The first guy asked "Are you a lawyer?"

The second guy responded "No, I'm an a$$hole."


----------



## SINC

Grandpa was going on about the good old days, and the lower cost of living, in particular.

"When I was a kid, my mom would send me to the store. I'd get a ham, two pints of milk, six oranges, two loaves of bread, and a magazine, all for a quarter.

"You can't do that anymore. They've got those darn video cameras everywhere!"


----------



## The Doug

*Groan*

A high school chemistry professor gave his class a pop quiz on a lesson from earlier in the week. "What is the formula for water?" he asked. A second later, a hand was raised at the back of the classroom.

"HIJKLMNO", said the student authoritatively.

"What? That's incorrect," asked the professor.

"Well the other day," said the student, "you said it was 'H' to 'O'".


----------



## MACSPECTRUM

During one of her daily classes a teacher trying to teach good manners,
asked her students the following question: "Michael, if you were on a
date--- having supper with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that
you have to go to the bathroom?"

Michael said, "Just a minute I have to go pee."
The teacher responded by saying, "That would be rude and impolite." 

What about you, Peter, how would you say it?"
Peter said, "I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom. I'll be
right back."
"That's better, but it's still not very nice to say the word bathroom at
the dinner table."

"And you, little Johnny, can you use your brain for once and show us your
good manners?"
"I would say: 'Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have to
shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope you'll get to
meet after supper."


----------



## mr.steevo

What's the difference between a circus and a brothel?

Well, a circus is a cunning array of stunts.

s.


----------



## The Doug

A young man was strolling down a street in south London. As he passed a large building with a fence around it, he heard a group of people chanting "Thirteen, thirteen, thirteen" over and over again.

Curious, he tried to see over the fence, but couldn't. Then he spotted a knot-hole in the wood, and put an eye up to it. He just managed to spy some old people sitting in deckchairs chanting, before a finger came through the knot-hole and poked him in the eye. 

As the young man staggered back, the old people started chanting, "Fourteen, fourteen, fourteen ..."


----------



## SINC

You know you are living in the year 2005 when:

1. You accidentally enter your password on the microwave. 

2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years. 

3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of three. 

4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you. 

5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that they don't have e-mail addresses. 

6. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home to help you carry in the groceries. 

7. Every commercial on television has a web site at the bottom of the screen. 

8. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't have the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic and you turn around to go and get it . 

10. You get up in the morning and go on line before getting your coffee. 

11. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. : ) 

12. You're reading this and nodding and laughing. 

13. Even worse, you know exactly to whom you are going to forward this message. 

14. You are too busy to notice there was no number 9 on this list. 

15. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't a number 9 on this list. 

AND NOW YOU ARE LAUGHING at yourself.


----------



## SINC

You know you live too far north when: 

You design your Halloween costumes to fit over a snowsuit. 

You have more miles on your snow blower than your car.

You have 10 favourite recipes for elk, moose or deer meat.

You live in a house that has no front steps, yet the door is three feet above the ground.

Driving is better in the winter because the potholes get filled with snow.

You think everyone from the city has an accent.

You think sexy lingerie is tube socks and a flannel nightie with only 8 buttons.

At least twice a year, the kitchen doubles as a meat processing plant.

The most effective mosquito repellent is a shotgun.

You frequently clean grease off your barbecue so the bears won't come up on your deck.

There is only one shopping plaza in town.

You find -40C a little chilly.

The trunk of your car doubles as a deep freezer.

Shoveling the driveway constitutes a great upper body workout.

There are two seasons: Liquid and Solid

Nine months of winter and three months of rough sledding.

Six inches of snow is still considered a heavy frost.

You actually 'get' these jokes, and forward them to all your Northern friends.


----------



## The Doug

A little boy returning home from his first day at school said to his mother, "Mom, what's _sex?_"

His mother, who believed in all the most modern educational theories, gave him a detailed explanation, covering all aspects of the tricky subject.

When she had finished, the little lad produced an enrollment form which he had brought home from school and said, "Yes, but how am I going to get all that into this one little square?"


----------



## SINC

A theology professor at a rural community college started the class by asking the students, "What is the opposite of joy?" 

"Sadness," said one student. 

"And the opposite of depression?" 

"Elation," said another. 

"And how about the opposite of woe?" 

A farm boy in the back of the class stood up from his seat and said, "I reckon that would be giddy up, mister."


----------



## Dr.G.

Doug, Sinc, both were good jokes and I shall use them with my class to illustrate miscommunications with directions, and the multiple meanings that exist in English. Thanks for these, mes amis.


----------



## The Doug

Il n'y a pas de quoi. Le merci, c'est sur moi my friend!


----------



## enaj

http://www.bigad.com.au/


----------



## The Doug

Several race horses are resting in their stable. 

One of them starts to boast about his track record. "In the last 15 races, I've won 8 of them!"

Another horse chimes in, "Well in the last 27 races, I've won 19!!"

"Oh that's good, but in the last 36 races, I've won 28!", says another, flicking his tail.

At this point, they notice that a greyhound dog has been sitting there listening. 

"I don't mean to boast," says the greyhound, "but in my last 90 races, I've won 88 of them!"

The horses are clearly amazed. "Wow!" says one, after a hushed silence. "A talking dog."


----------



## SINC

I was asked to run a marathon. I said, "No way!"

They said "Come on, it's for handicapped and blind kids."

Then I thought . . . "Hey . . . I could win this . . . "


----------



## SINC

Paul Martin woke up one day last week and it was a glorious, sunny day. There wasn't a cloud in the sky. So Mr. Martin decided to walk into parliament instead of getting driven. As he was strolling along he looked up at the sun and asked "Mr. Sun, who is the greatest Prime Minister that there ever was?"

And the sun answered, "Why Paul, you are, of course." So he smiled and went to work and had a great day.

On the walk home, he once again looked up and asked the sun, "Mr. Sun, who is the greatest Prime Minister that there ever was?"

And, this time, the Sun answered, "Paul, you are a moron. You are an embarrassment as a Prime Minister, the worst that the country has ever seen."

"But I don't understand," Mr. Martin said. "This morning, you said that I was great."

"Well, yes," the sun answered. "This morning I was in the east. Now I am in the west."


----------



## Dr.G.

Good one, Sinc.


----------



## MissGulch

I didn't get Sinc's joke about Paul Martin, but the one with grandpa in the grocery was good. Here's my joke du jour:

Pinocchio was finishing up having sex with his girlfriend. He said to her "Was it good for you?"
"Frankly, Pinocchio. It wasn't. Sex with you gives me splinters" she replies. 

The next day Pinocchio goes to Geppetto, crying.
"What's wrong, Pinocchio?" he asks.
"Papa, my girlfriend complains that having sex with me is giving her splinters!"

"Don't cry, Pinocchio. I have a solution for you" Geppetto says, handing Pinocchio a piece of sandpaper. 
"Use this, and your troubles will be over."
"Thank you, Papa!" Pinocchio shouts. 

A few days later Geppetto asks Pinocchio how it's going with the girlfriend and the sandpaper solution. 
Pinocchio replies, "Girlfriend? Who needs a girlfriend?"


----------



## mr.steevo

Okay,

I'm going to start by saying you can use ANY geographical region for this joke. Given my geographical location, I have heard the joke this way.

"Why is it so windy in Alberta?"

"Because B.C. blows and Saskatchewan sucks"

s.


----------



## SINC

The English Language - One Word or Two? 

An elderly couple had been dating for some time. Finally they decided it might be time for marriage. But before tying the knot, they went out for dinner and had a heart to heart talk over about whether it would really work out.

They discussed finances, living arrangements, snoring, and so on.

Finally, the gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship. "How do you feel about sex?" he asked, rather trustingly.

"Well," she said, responding very carefully, "I'd have to say that I would like it infrequently."

The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment, pondering her response.

Then looking over his glasses, he casually asked, "Was that one word or two?"


----------



## Carex

*The taciturn cowboy...*

Don't know what taciturn means, this will give you a hint:


A young cowboy walks into a seedy cafe in Laramie,
Wyoming. He sits at the counter and notices an old
cowboy with his arms folded staring blankly at a full
bowl of chili. After fifteen minutes of just sitting
there staring at it, the young cowboy bravely asks the
old cowpoke, "If you ain't gonna eat that, mind if I
do?"
The older cowboy slowly turns his head toward the
young wrangler and in his best cowboy manner says,
"Nah, go ahead."

Eagerly, the young cowboy reaches over and slides the
bowl over to his place and starts spooning it in with
delight. He gets nearly down to the bottom and notices
a dead mouse in the chili. The sight was shocking and
he immediately pukes up the chili into the bowl.

The old cowboy quietly says, "Yep, that's as far as I
got, too.


----------



## Carex

Tool Definitions

DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, splattering it against that freshly painted airplane part you were drying.

BELT SANDER: Used for making rectangular gouges in wood.

PAD SANDER: Used for easing the edges of the rectangular gouges.

RANDOM ORBIT SANDER: Used for removing the marks left by the PAD SANDER, usually on any surface perpendicular to the original gouge. May also be used to make semicircular gouges in wood.

DETAIL SANDER: Makes triangular gouges, generally in blind corners.

BISCUIT JOINER: Tool used to misalign wood in a very consistent manner which can then be sanded heavily (See BELT SANDER).

CHISEL: Multi use tool - good for making deep cuts in the hand.

CORDLESS DRILL/POWER SCREWDRIVER: Used for rounding out Phillips screw heads at high speed.

ROUTER: Used to darken wood by friction and make smoke. For this latter purpose, it replaces the incense used by primitive woodworking cultures who wished to influence the woodworking deities. When used with a ROUTER TABLE this tool can be used to make varying profiles using a single bit and a single depth setting.

TAPE MEASURE: This device is used to measure length. It should be immediately dropped onto concrete several times so that measurements made with it will then agree with every other TAPE MEASURE in the world.

NAILSET: Used to make small, round depressions around the head of a finish nail. Principally used for decoration.

CLAMPS: These come in two sizes: too small and loaned to an in-law.

WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprint whorls and hard-earned guitar calluses in about the time it takes you to say, "Ouch...."

ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age; with the proper accessories, used to destroy perfectly good wood in many ways.

PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads.

HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

SABER SAW: See Hacksaw.

VISE-GRIPS: Used to round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

XYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub you want the bearing race out of.

WHITWORTH SOCKETS: Once used for working on older British cars and motorcycles, they are now used mainly for impersonating that 9/16 or 1/2 socket you've been searching for the last 15 minutes.

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new disk brake pads, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.

8-FOOT LONG 2X4: Used for levering an automobile upward off a hydraulic jack handle.

TWEEZERS: A tool for removing wood splinters.

PHONE: Tool for calling your neighbors to see if he has another hydraulic floor jack.

PHONE (alt.): Tool for calling your brother-in-law to see if he has your CLAMPS.

TABLE SAW: Used to make wood slightly narrower than necessary.

MITER SAW: Used to make wood slightly shorter than necessary.

THICKNESS PLANER: Used to make wood slightly thinner than necessary.

JOINTER: Used to make the too thin, too short, too narrow wood perfectly straight. Very useful for making two sides of a board perfectly straight but non-parallel.

SNAP-ON GASKET SCRAPER: Theoretically useful as a sandwich tool for spreading mayonnaise; used mainly for getting dog**** off your boot.

E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool ten times harder than any known drill bit that snaps off in bolt holes you couldn't use anyway.

TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the tensile strength on everything you forgot to disconnect.

CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 16-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A large pry bar that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end opposite the handle.

AVIATION METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw.

TROUBLE LIGHT: The home mechanic's own tanning booth. Sometimes called a drop light, it is a good source of vitamin D, "the sunshine vitamin," which is not otherwise found under cars at night. Health benefits aside, it's main purpose is to consume 40-watt light bulbs at about the same rate that 105-mm howitzer shells might be used during, say, the first few hours of the Battle of the Bulge. More often dark than light, its name is somewhat misleading.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the lids of old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splash oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.

AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced in a coal-burning power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into compressed air that travels by hose to a Chicago Pneumatic impact wrench that grips rusty bolts last over tightened 58 years ago by someone at ERCO, and neatly rounds off their heads.

PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50¢ part.

HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts not far from the object we are trying to hit.

HAMMER (alt.): Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer continues
to be the tool of choice for making medium sized circular depressions
in wooden surfaces of all kinds.

UTILITY KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts.

UTILITY KNIFE (alt.): Used to slice through the fingers. For purposes of sanitation, the blades are easily replaceable.

DAMMIT TOOL: Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling "DAMMIT" at the top of your lungs. It is also the next tool that you will need.

EXPLETIVE: A balm, usually applied verbally in hindsight, which somehow eases those pains and indignities following our every deficiency in foresight.


----------



## duosonic

Thanks for that - as I am working at a construction site tomorrow, I have printed this out & will post it on the worker's bulletin board.


----------



## SINC

A young reporter went to a retirement home to interview an aged but legendary explorer. The reporter asked the old man to tell him the most frightening experience he had ever had.

The old explorer said, "Once I was hunting Bengal tigers in the jungles of India. I was on a narrow path and my faithful native gunbearer was behind me. Suddenly the largest tiger I have ever seen leaped onto the path in front of us. I turned to get my weapon only to find the native had fled. The tiger leapt toward me with a mighty 
ROARRRR! and I soiled myself." 

The reporter said, "Under those circumstances anyone would have done the same." 

The old explorer said, "No, not then - just now when I went 'ROARRRR!'"


----------



## MissGulch

Mrs. Finsterbaum was at heaven's pearly gates, when God says "Mrs. Finsterbaum, you've been such a saintly woman all your life, doing nothing but mitzvahs. Go back down to earth and misbehave just once to see what it's like, and I'll let you into heaven."

Mrs. Finsterbaum pops back to earth, groans, and makes her way to a bar, where she sees an old man. He's spotted, wrinkled and walks with a cane, but Mrs. Finsterbaum thinks "he'll do," and propositioned him.

They go back to his room in the retirement community and have sex. Thinking she had done a requisite naughty thing, Mrs. Finsterbaum got out of bed, raised her arms, and awaited her passage into heaven.

Suddenly, the old man's voice rang out: "What a mitzvah you have performed tonight, Mrs. Finsterbaum!"


----------



## Dr.G.

Good one, Miss G. Jewish vaudeville lives on with this sort of humor.


----------



## MaxPower

An 8-year-old girl went to her grandfather, who was working in the yard and asked him, "Grandpa, what is sex?"

The grandfather was surprised that she would ask such a question, but decided that if she's old enough to know to ask the question, then she's old enough to get a straight answer. Steeling himself to leave nothing out, he proceeded to tell her all about human reproduction and the joys and responsibilities of intercourse. When he finished explaining, the little girl was looking at him with her mouth hanging open, eyes wide in amazement. Seeing the look on her face, the grandfather asked her, "Why did you ask this question, honey?"

The little girl replied, "Grandma says that dinner will be ready in just a couple of secs."


----------



## RevMatt

hehehehehehe. Excellent!


----------



## SINC

The manager of a large office noticed a new man one day and told him to come into his office. "What is your name?" was the first thing the manager asked the new guy. 

"John," the new guy replied.

The manager scowled, "Look, I don't know what kind of a mamby-pamby place you worked at before, but I don't call anyone by their first name. It breeds familiarity and that leads to a breakdown in authority. I refer to my employees by their last name only - Smith, Jones, Baker - that's all. I am to be referred to only as Mr. Robertson. Now that we got that straight, what is your last name?"

The new guy sighed and said, "Darling. My name is John Darling." 

"Okay, John, the next thing I want to tell you is..."


----------



## The Doug

*My Favourite Christmas Cartoon*


----------



## SINC

A blue question mark is your favourite?


----------



## Carex

A very distinguished lady was on a plane arriving from Switzerland. She found herself seated next to a nice priest whom she asked: 

"Excuse me Father, could I ask a favor?" 

"Of course my child, What can I do for you?" 

"Here is the problem, I bought myself a new sophisticated vibrating hair remover for which I paid an enormous sum of money. I have really gone over the declaration limits and am worried that they will confiscate it at customs. Do you think you could hide it under your cassock?" 

"Of course I could, my child, but you must realize that I can not lie." 

"You have such an honest face Father, I am sure they will not ask you any questions", and she gave him the 'hair remover'. 

The aircraft arrived at its destination. When the priest presented himself to customs he was asked, "Father, do you have anything to declare?" 

"From the top of my head to my sash, I have nothing to declare, my son", he replied. Finding this reply strange, the customs officer asked, "And from the sash down, what do you have?" 

The priest replied, "I have there a marvelous little instrument destined for use by women, but which has never been used!" 

Breaking out in laughter, the customs officer said, <> "Go ahead Father. Next!"


----------



## MissGulch

Dr.G. said:


> Good one, Miss G.  Jewish vaudeville lives on with this sort of humor.


I guess you must be ready for this one:

Give a kid a doll, the kid pulls the string and the doll goes "MAMA! MAMA!"
Give a kid a *Jewish* doll, the kid pulls the string and the doll goes "AGAIN with the string!"


----------



## Dr.G.

Good one, Miss G. 

My favorite Jewish joke, that is lost in print because I use gestures and a New York Jewish accent, is the one of the mother who takes her son, Jacob, to Coney Island in Brooklyn. As they were walking along the boardwalk, they decided to take off their shoes and walk along the shoreline.

Suddenly, a huge wave crashes over them, and drags poor Jacob into the Atlantic. The mother is frantic. She gets down on her knees and pleads with God to spare the life of her one son.

"Please, Lord", she begs, "I have been a good Jewish mother, and have raised my son to be a good Jewish boy. We both do mitzvahs, as you have commanded, and have never hurt anyone."

God, being a benevolent and loving God, hears her prayers. And, with a suddenness not known since the parting of the Red Sea, brings forth another giant wave, which returns her son, Jacob, to the sobbing mother.

Sarah, Jacob's mother, hugs and kisses her only son. Then, with tears in her eyes, she looks heavenward, holding tightly onto Jacob's hand, and calls forth to the heavens --

"He had a hat."


----------



## MissGulch

Me and you oughta put together an act and head for the Borscht Belt, DrG. I'm going to spoil the routine and do a Catholic joke now:

What does a priest and a Christmas tree have in common?
They both have balls for decoration.


----------



## Ena

Why do nurses make poor lovers?

They always wait until the swelling goes down.


----------



## Dr.G.

Miss G., back when I was in college, I took a part-time job at a small hotel up in the Catskills (aka "The Borscht Belt"). The reactions to the band and the comic merely solidified my desire to be a teacher and not a stand-up comic.


----------



## MissGulch

Ena said:


> Why do nurses make poor lovers?
> 
> They always wait until the swelling goes down.


:clap: Good one, Ena!

Why did the Dairy Queen get pregnant?
The Burger King forgot to wrap his whopper.
Why didn't the Dairy Queen get pregnant?
She went out with Mister Softee.

(Not funny if you don't know what these fast food chains are.)

DrG I used to visit the Catskills during the summer when I was a kid. My grandparents had a bungalow by Masten Lake.


----------



## SINC

A old Jewish man on his deathbed whispered, "Sarah, Sarah, where are you, my dear wife?" 

"Right here at your side, my love." 

"And my son, Moishe...where is he?" 

"Right here at your side, papa." 

"And my daughter, Mitsy...where is she?" 

"Right here at your side, papa." 

"And my son, Abraham...where is he?" 

"Right here at your side, papa." 

"What already, none of you is minding the store?"


----------



## SINC

A man walks into a bar and yells "Bartender, give me twenty shots of your best single malt scotch!" 

The bartender pours the shots and the man drinks them down one at a time, as fast as he can. 

The bartender says "Wow, I never saw anyonebody drink that fast" The man replies by saying, "Well, you'd drink fast if you had what I have" The bartender says "Oh my god, what do you have?" 

The man says "Fifty cents".


----------



## Dr.G.

Sinc, re "who is minding the store", an oldie but a goodie.


----------



## iNeedhelp

Sorry if this has been posted already:

These two lovers go to a well-known spot that lovers go to. Then they hear crickets. "How romantic those crickets are!", the lady says. The man responds: "Those aren't crickets! That's the sound of the zippers going down and up!"


----------



## MissGulch

I love light bulb jokes. Here's a good one:

How many engineers does it take to change a lightbulb?
32, but once it only took two kids in a garage in Mountain View.


----------



## MannyP Design

If ever there was a need to use the option to 'hide member's signatures' from posts... iNeedhelp has certainly given us reason to.


----------



## iNeedhelp

MissGulch said:


> I love light bulb jokes. Here's a good one:
> 
> How many engineers does it take to change a lightbulb?
> 32, but once it only took two kids in a garage in Mountain View.


Heh, I don't know any lightbulb jokes, but this is very similar to one:

Question: How many skinny people can fit inside a shower at once?
Answer: I don't know! They're always going down the drain!


----------



## RevMatt

« MannyP Design » said:


> If ever there was a need to use the option to 'hide member's signatures' from posts... iNeedhelp has certainly given us reason to.


eh? What am I not getting? Or did he change it?


----------



## MannyP Design

He changed it. It used to have the iPod portion in 20 point text.


----------



## RevMatt

« MannyP Design » said:


> He changed it. It used to have the iPod portion in 20 point text.


Hehe. He's proud of his toy!


----------



## SINC

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson go on a camping trip, set up their tent, and fall asleep. Some hours later, Holmes wakes his faithful friend. 

"Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see." 

Watson replies, "I see millions of stars." 

"What does that tell you?" 

Watson ponders for a minute. "Astronomically speaking, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Timewise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, it's evident the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?" 

Holmes is silent for a moment, then speaks. "Watson, you idiot, someone has stolen our tent."


----------



## iNeedhelp

« MannyP Design » said:


> He changed it. It used to have the iPod portion in 20 point text.


Heh, sorry folks, I messed up BIG time....(literally):lmao:


----------



## SINC

While suturing a cut on the hand of a 75-year old Alberta rancher whose hand was caught in a gate while working cattle, the doctor and the old man struck up a conversation about Paul Martin being in the Prime Ministers chair in the House of Commons. The old Albertan said, “Well, ya know, Martin is a ‘post turtle’.”

Not being familiar with the term, the doctor asked him what a ‘post turtle’ was.

The old rancher said, “When you’re driving down a country road and you come across a fence post with a turtle balanced on top, that’s a post turtle.”

The old man saw a puzzled look on the doctor’s face, so he continued to explain, “You know he didn’t get there by himself, he doesn’t belong there, he doesn’t know what to do while he’s up there, and you just want to help the it get down!”


----------



## Dr.G.

Sinc, you have to watch out for those post turtles in the praries, I guess. Would want them to fall from the post upside down. Paix, mon frere.


----------



## MissGulch

A woman gets onto a bus, and sits down behind two foreign men talking. She overhears their conversation:

"First Emma come,
Den I come,
Den two asses together
Den I pee
Den pee again
Den..."

The woman interrupts this.

"You swine," she says. "How dare you discuss your intimate sex details in a public place like a bus!"

The man replies: "Whose talking about-a sex-a lady? I'm only trying to spell-a Mississippi!"


----------



## MaxPower

A couple go for a meal at a Chinese restaurant and order the "Chicken Surprise".
The waiter brings the meal, served in a lidded cast iron pot. Just as the wife is about to serve herself, the lid of the pot rises slightly and she briefly sees two beady little eyes looking around before the lid slams back down.

"Good grief, did you see that?" she asks her husband.

He hasn't, so she asks him to look in the pot. He reaches for it and Again the lid rises, and he sees two little eyes looking around before it Slams down.

Rather perturbed, he calls the waiter over, explains what is happening, And demands an explanation.

"Please sir," says the waiter, "what you order?"

The husband replies, "Chicken Surprise."

"Ah... so sorry," says the waiter, "I bring you Peeking Duck."


----------



## SINC

A kindergarten pupil told his teacher he'd found a cat, but it was dead. 

"How do you know that the cat was dead?" she asked her pupil. 

"Because I pissed in its ear and it didn't move," answered the child innocently. 

"You did WHAT?" the teacher exclaimed in surprise. 

"You know," explained the boy, "I leaned over and went 'Pssst!' and it didn't move"


----------



## ram55

A woman says to her husband, "Would you like some bacon and eggs? Perhaps a
slice of toast and maybe some grapefruit and coffee?"

"Thanks for asking, but I'm not hungry right now. It's this Viagra. It's
really taken the edge off my appetite."

At lunchtime she again asks, "Would you like a bowl of soup, some homemade
biscuits, and a cheese sandwich?"

He declines again. "The Viagra," he says, "really kills my desire for
food."

At dinnertime, she again asks if he wants anything to eat.
"Would you like a juicy steak and scrumptious apple pie? Or perhaps a
rotisserie chicken or tasty stir fry?"

"Naw, I'm still not hungry."

"Well," she says, "would you mind getting off of me, because I'm starving."


----------



## SINC

A small boy is sent to bed by his father. 

Five minutes later....."Da-ad...." 

"What?" 

"I'm thirsty. Can you bring drink of water?" 

"No, You had your chance. Lights out." 

Five minutes later: "Da-aaaad....." 

"WHAT?" 

"I'm THIRSTY. Can I have a drink of water??" 

I told you NO! If you ask again, I'll have to spank you!!" 

Five minutes later......"Daaaa-aaaad....." 

"WHAT!" 

"When you come in to spank me, can you bring a drink of water?"


----------



## Beej

Hopefully not too many have seen this classic:

A young man named Paul bought a donkey from an old farmer for $100. The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day. When the farmer drove up the next day, he said, "Sorry son, but I have some bad news...the donkey is on my truck, but he's dead." 

Paul replied, "Well then, just give me my money back." 

The farmer said, "I Can't do that. I went and spent it already." 

Paul said, "OK then, just unload the donkey anyway". 

The farmer asked, "What are ya gonna do with him?" 

Paul said, "I'm going to raffle him off." 

To which the farmer exclaimed, "You can't raffle off a dead donkey!" 

But Paul, with a big smile on his face, said "Sure I can. Watch me. I just won't tell anybody that he's dead." 

A month later the farmer met up with Paul and asked, "What happened with that dead donkey?" 

Paul said, "I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at two dollars a piece and made a profit of $698.00." 

Totally amazed, the farmer asked, "Didn't anyone complain that you had stolen their money because you lied about the donkey being dead?" 

And Paul replied, "The only guy who found out about the donkey being dead was the raffle winner, when he came to claim his prize. So I gave him his $2 back plus $200 extra, which is double the going value of a donkey, so he thought I was a great guy." 

Paul grew up and eventually became the Prime Minister of Canada, and no matter how many times he lied or how much money he stole from Canadian 
voters, as long as he gave them back some of the stolen money, most of them thought he was a great guy.


----------



## Ena

Here's a joke to tell little ones:

Did you hear about the man who changed his name from John Smelly?
He changed it to Henry Smelly.


----------



## SINC

A husband and wife were having dinner at a very fine restaurant when an absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big kiss, tells him she'll see him later, and walks away. His wife glares at him and says, "Who was that?"

"Oh" replies the husband, "that was my mistress." "That's it," says the wife, "I want a divorce."

"Ok," replies her husband, "but remember, if you get a divorce there will be no more shopping trips to Paris, no wintering in the Caribbean, no Lexus in the garage, and no more country club. But, the decision is yours."

Just then the wife notices a mutual friend entering the restaurant with a gorgeous woman. "Who is that woman with Jim?" she asks.

"That's his mistress," replies her husband.

"Ours is much better looking." says the wife.


----------



## sammy

A young boy enters a barbershop and the barber whispers to his customer, "This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you."

The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, "Which do you want, son?"

The boy takes the quarters and leaves. "What did I tell you?" said the barber. "That kid never learns!"

Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store. "Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?"

The boy licked his cone and replied, "Because the day I take the dollar, the game's over!"


----------



## MissGulch

A family physician had been performing circumcisions in his practice, and saving the little tips in a jar of formaldehyde. After decades of doing the procedure, he had hundreds of them.

So as his practice wound down the doctor took the foreskins to a leather maker and said, "I've collected all these foreskins in my practice. Can you make something for me?"

"Sure," says the leather maker.

The doctor comes back a week later, and the leather maker presents him with a wallet.

"A wallet?" he says. "I gave you hundreds of foreskins."

The leather maker replies, "Rub it, and it turns into a briefcase."


----------



## RevMatt

OK, this one is slightly on the nasty side, but I don't want our politicians to feel alone in the Bush bashing 



George W Bush is visiting a primary school where they are discussing words and their meaning. The teacher asks the President if he would like to lead the discussion of the word "tragedy". So the illustrious leader asks the class for an example of a tragedy.

One little boy offers "If my best friend, who lives on a farm, is playing in the field and a runaway tractor comes along and knocks him dead, that would be a tragedy."

"No" says the President, "That would be an accident."

A little girl raises her hand: "If a school bus carrying 50 children drove over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a tragedy."

"I'm afraid not", explains the exalted leader. "that's what we would call a great loss."

The room goes silent. No other child volunteers; President Bush searches the room, "Isn't there someone here who could give me an example? "

Finally at the back of the room, Little Johnny raises his hand. In a quiet voice he says; "If Air Force One, carrying you, was struck by a missile and blown to smithereens, that would be a tragedy".

"Fantastic!" exclaimed President Bush, "that's right. And can you tell me why that would be a tragedy?"

"Well", says the boy, "because it sure as hell wouldn't be a great loss and it probably wouldn't be an accident either."


----------



## Dr.G.

RevMatt, that could get you 2-5 years in Levenworth Federal Prison if you posted that in the US. Luckily, you are here in Canada and with friends.


----------



## SINC

John and Mary were having dinner in a very fine restaurant. Their waitress, taking another order at a table a few paces away, noticed that John was ever so slowly sliding down his chair under the table while Mary acted unconcerned. Their waitress watched as John slid all the way down his chair and out of sight under the table. Still, Mary appeared calm and unruffled, apparently unaware that John had disappeared under the table.

After the waitress finished taking the order, she came over to the table and said to the woman, "Pardon me, ma'am, but I think your husband just slid under the table."

The woman calmly looked up and replied firmly, "Oh, no. He did not. In fact, he just walked in the front door."


----------



## SINC

This one is especially for RevMatt:

A driver tucked a note under her windshield wiper and dashed off:

"I've circled the block for 20 minutes. I'm late for an appointment, and if I don't park here I'll lose my job. Forgive us our trespasses."

Returning, she came back only to find a parking ticket and this note:

"I've circled the block for 20 years, and if I don't give you a ticket, I'll lose my job... Lead us not into temptation."


----------



## RevMatt

Hehe. Very nice, Sinc


----------



## Ena

A bunch of guys who are psychiatrists decide to form a rock band for something to do in their spare time. What did they call their band?

Pink Freud!


----------



## gwillikers

*My Home Province!*

GOTTA LOVE SASKATCHEWAN

A guy from Regina passed away and left his entire estate to his beloved 
widow, but she can't touch it 'til she's 14.

How do you know when you're staying in a Moose Jaw hotel? When you call the 
front desk and say, "I gotta leak in my sink," and the clerk replies, "Go 
ahead."

How can you tell if a Saskatoon ******* is married? There's dried tobacco 
juice on both sides of his pickup truck.

Did you hear that they have raised the minimum drinking age in Kindersley to 
32? It seems they want to keep alcohol out of the high schools.

What do they call reruns of "Hee Haw" in Saskatchewan? Documentaries

Where was the toothbrush invented? Swift Current. If it had been invented 
anywhere else, it would have been called a teeth brush.

An RCMP officer pulls over a pickup on the Trans Canada and says to the 
driver, "Got any I.D.?" and the driver replies "Bout wut?"

Did you hear about the $3 million Saskatchewan Lottery?

The winner gets $3.00 a year for a million years.

The Premiers mansion in Regina burned down! Yep. Pert' near took out the 
whole trailer park. The library was a total loss, too. Both books- POOF - up 
in flames and he hadn't even finished coloring one of them.

A new law was recently passed in Saskatchewan. When a couple gets divorced, 
they are STILL cousins.

A guy walks into a bar in Prince Albert and orders a mudslide. The bartender 
looks at the man and says, "You ain't from 'round here are ya?

"No," replies the man, "I'm from Winnipeg".

The bartender looks at him and says, "Well, what do ya do in Winnipeg?"

"I'm a taxidermist," said the man.

The bartender, looking very bewildered now, asks, "What in the world is a 
tax-e-derm-ist?"

The man says, "I mount animals".

The bartender stands back and hollers to the whole bar..."It's okay boys, 
he's one of us!"

:lmao:


----------



## SINC

A little girl is sitting on her grandpa's lap and studying the wrinkles on his old face. She gets up the nerve to rub her fingers over the wrinkles. Then she touches her own face and looks more puzzled. 
Finally the little girl asks, "Grandpa, did God make you?" 

"He sure did honey, a long time ago," replies her grandpa. 

"Well, did God make me?" asks the little girl. 

"Yes, He did, and that wasn't too long ago," answers her grandpa. 

"Boy," says the little girl, "He's sure doing a lot better job these days isn't He?"


----------



## Bolor

A WOMAN'S PERFECT BREAKFAST:
She's sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee.
Her son is on the cover of the Wheaties box.
Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week.
Her boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl.
And her husband is on the back of the milk
carton


----------



## MACSPECTRUM

After Sunday morning church, a little boy asks his mother about God.

Boy: "Is God a man or a woman?"

Mother: "God is neither a man nor a woman."

Boy: "Is God white or black?"

Mother: "God is neither white nor black."

Boy: "Is God gay or straight?"

Mother: "God is neither gay nor straight."

Boy: "So Michael Jackson is God?"


----------



## MACSPECTRUM

A pirate walked into a bar and the bartender said, "Hey, I haven't seen you in a while. What happened? You look terrible".
"What do you mean?" said the pirate, "I feel fine"
"What about the wooden leg? You didn't have that before."
"Well, we were in a battle and I got hit with a cannon ball, but I'm
fine now".
"Well, ok, but what about that hook? What happened to your hand?"
"We were in another battle. I boarded a ship and got into a sword fight.
My hand was cut off. I got fitted with a hook. I'm fine, really".
"What about that eye patch?"
"Oh, one day we were at sea and a flock of birds flew over. I looked up
and one of them crapped in my eye".
"You're kidding," said the bartender, "you couldn't lose an eye just
from some bird crap?"

"It was my first day with the hook"


----------



## MaxPower

An 80 year old woman was arrested for shop lifting. When she went before the judge he asked her, "What did you steal?"
She replied, "A can of peaches."

The judge asked her why she had stolen them and she replied that she was hungry. The judge then asked her how many peaches were in the can. She replied "6."

The judge then said, "I will give you 6 days in jail."

At this point the woman's husband spoke up and asked the judge if he could say something.

The judge said, "What is it?"

The husband said "She also stole a can of peas."


----------



## SINC

Little Nancy was in the garden filling in a hole when her neighbor peered over the fence. Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster was up to, he politely asked, "What are you doing there, Nancy?" 

"My goldfish died," replied Nancy tearfully without looking up, "and I've just buried him." 

The neighbor was very concerned. "That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?" 

Nancy patted down the last heap of dirt then replied, "That's because he's inside your cat."


----------



## Lawrence

*Thanks for everything*

My heartfelt appreciation goes out to all of you who have taken the time and trouble
to send me "forwards" over the past 12 months. Thank you for making me feel safe,
secure, blessed and healthy.
* Extra thanks to whoever sent me the email about rat crap in the glue on envelopes
- cause I now have to go get a wet towel every time I need to seal an envelope.
* Also, I scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason. Because of your
genuine concern, I no longer drink Coca Cola because I know it can remove toilet
stains, which is not exactly an appealing characteristic.
* I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be pricked with a
needle infected with AIDS.
* I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo
on a hot day.
* I no longer go to shopping malls because someone might drug me with a perfume
sample and rob me.
* I no longer eat KFC because their "chickens" are actually horrible mutant freaks
with no eyes or feathers.
* I no longer worry about my soul because at last count, I have 363,214 angels
looking out for me.
* Thanks to you, I have learned that God only answers my prayers if I forward an
email to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.
* I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl on the internet who is
about to die in the hospital (for the 1,387,258th time).
* I no longer have any money at all in fact - but that will change once I receive the
$15,000 that Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special on-
line email program.
Yes, I want to thank you all so much for looking out for me that I will now return the favour!
If you don't send this email to at least 144,000 people in the next 7 minutes, a large
pigeon with a wicked case of diarrhoea will land on your head at 5:00 PM tomorrow
afternoon. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next
door neighbour's ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's beautician.
DO IT NOW OR ELSE.
And have a Happy Christmas!


----------



## SINC

Two very elderly ladies were enjoying the sunshine on a park bench in Miami. They had been meeting that park every sunny day, for over 12 years, chatting and enjoying each others' 
friendship.

One day, the younger of the two ladies, turns to the other and says, "Please don't be angry with me dear, but I am embarrassed. After all these years, what is your name? I am trying to remember, but I just can't."

The older friend stares at her, looking very distressed, says nothing for two full minutes, and finally with tearful eyes, says, "How soon do you have to know?"


----------



## MissGulch

A joke now for DrG (no one else will understand it).

What do Brooklyn and control top pantyhose have in common?
Flatbush.


----------



## SINC

Two old guys were sitting in the park, talking, when the subject turned to getting older. The first guy said "Women have all the luck when it comes to getting older."

"What do you mean?" asked the second guy.

"Well," replied the first. "I can barely remember the last time I got aroused in bed, but my wife is healthier than ever!"

"Healthier? How is that?" his buddy wondered.

"Years ago, when we were younger, almost every night before bed she'd get these terrible headaches." he answered. "Now that we're older, she hasn't had a headache in years."


----------



## Dr.G.

Miss G., I had to ask my wife to explain the significance in "control top pantyhose", and then I understood the joke. My father grew up in the Flatbush/Bensonhurst area of Brooklyn.

Give my regards to Broadway and/or Times Square if you go down there tonight.


----------



## MissGulch

Dr.G. said:


> Miss G., I had to ask my wife to explain the significance in "control top pantyhose", and then I understood the joke. My father grew up in the Flatbush/Bensonhurst area of Brooklyn.
> 
> Give my regards to Broadway and/or Times Square if you go down there tonight.


I won't be in Times Square tonight; been there, done that. It's cold and crowded, and perhaps I'm a bit jaded. 

So you understood half the joke, and Mrs. DrG understood the other half. That's teamwork!  

Happy New Year, Marc, and everybody at ehMac. Whatever time zone and country you're in.


----------



## Dr.G.

Happy New Year, Ms. G. We shall ring in the New Year for North America here in St. John's, as we always have due to the fact that we have our own time zone.


----------



## SINC

Yet another one for RevMatt:

The minister was passing a group of young teens sitting on the Church lawn and stopped to ask what they were doing.

"Nothing much, Pastor," replied one boy. "We were just seeing who can tell the biggest lie about their sex life."

"Boys, boys, boys!" he scolded. "I'm shocked. When I was your age, I never even thought about sex."

In unison they all replied, "You win!"


----------



## Dr.G.

God shall get you for that one, my brother. "Woe unto him that mocketh the devout and celibate, for he shall be plagued by doxies." (Marc, Chapter 7, verse 13).


----------



## SINC

That's the chapter right before Louk, isn't it?


----------



## MLeh

Dr.G. said:


> God shall get you for that one, my brother. "Woe unto him that mocketh the devout and celibate, for he shall be plagued by doxies." (Marc, Chapter 7, verse 13).


The joke was directed at RevMatt was it not? Or is that who the quote is for too? (Plagued by doxies ... yes ... that's Matt)


----------



## SINC

Not "directed" at RevMatt, but rather offered as a story he might find amusing!


----------



## SINC

Resolutions in reveiw:

1999: I will get my weight down below 180.

2000: I will watch my calories until I get below 190.

2001: I will follow my new diet religiously until I get below 200.

2002: I will try to develop a realistic attitude about my weight.

2003: I will work out 5 days a week.

2004: I will work out 3 days a week.

2005: I will try to drive past a gym at least once a week.

2006: I will watch a video workout session once a month.


----------



## RevMatt

I'm quite certain that the joke was for me rather than about me.




I would never even try and get away with a fib that large


----------



## Dr.G.

RevMatt, as it is written in Marc, Chapter 237, verse 1313, "It is easier for a fibber to enter The Shang than it is for a rich man to ride a camel in Toronto".


----------



## SINC

That's still the chapter right before Louk, isn't it?


----------



## Dr.G.

Correct, Sinc. Mitchell, Marc, Louk and Josephine. It is amazing what I have learned from reading "The Wholly Bibble for Dummies".


----------



## The Doug

Best fridge magnet ever!


----------



## SINC

Would you look at that darn cat!


----------



## SINC

A popular airline recently introduced a special half rate fare for wives who accompanied their husbands on business trips. 

Expecting great feedback, the company sent out letters to all the wives of businessmen who had used the special rates, asking how they enjoyed their trip. 

Letters are still pouring in asking, "What trip?"


----------



## mr.steevo

:heybaby:


----------



## Cameo

father and son went hunting together for the first time. The father said, "Stay here and be very QUIET. I'll be across the field," A hour later, the father heard a bloodcurdling scream and ran back to his son. "What's wrong?" the father asked. "I told you to be quiet," The son answered, "Look, I was quiet when the snake slithered across my feet. I was quiet when the bear breathed down my neck. I didn't move a muscle when the skunk climbed over my shoulder. I closed my eyes and held my breath
when the wasp stung me. I didn't cough when I swallowed the gnat. I didn't cuss or scratch when the poison oak started itching. But when the two chipmunks crawled up my pant legs and said, 'Should we eat them here or take them with us?' Well, I guess I just panicked.


My boss sent me this one.........


----------



## SINC

Seems appropriate for today: 

A little girl asked her father, "Daddy, do all fairy tales begin with 'Once Upon A Time'?"

He replied, "No, there is a whole series of fairy tales that begin with 'If elected I promise'."


----------



## Dr.G.

Careful, Sinc, because that sword cuts both ways. PM-elect Harper made a great many promises to the people of NL (e.g., restore the Gander weather office, stand up to the foreign ships raping the fishstocks off the coast of Canada, etc). We helped to start the tide that carried over into Ontario.


----------



## Cameo

Even if you aren't a skier, you'll be able to appreciate the humor of the
>> slopes as written by a New Orleans paper:
>>
>> A friend just got back from a holiday skiing trip to Utah with the kind
>> of story that warms the cockles of anybody's heart.
>> Conditions were perfect...12 below, no feeling in the toes, basic
>> numbness all over...the "Tell me when we're having fun" kind of day. One
>> of the women in the group complained to her husband that she was in dire
>> need of a rest room. He told her not to worry, that he was sure there
>> was relief waiting at the top of the lift in the form of a powder room
>> for female skiers in distress.
>> He was wrong, of course, and the pain did not go away. If you've ever
>> had nature hit its panic button in you, then you know that a temperature
>> of 12 below doesn't help matters. With time running out, the woman
>> weighed her options. Her husband, picking up on the intensity of the
>> pain, suggested that since she was wearing an all-white ski outfit, she
>> should go off in the woods and no one would even notice. He assured her,
>> "The white will provide more than adequate camouflage."
>> So she headed for the tree line, began lowering her ski pants and
>> proceeded to do her thing. If you've ever parked on the side of a slope,
>> then you know there is a right way and wrong way to set your skis so you
>> don't move. Yup, you got it!!! She had them positioned the wrong way.
>> Steep slopes are not forgiving...even during the most embarrassing
>> moments. Without warning, the woman found herself skiing backward,
>> out-of-control, racing through the trees...somehow missing all of them
>> and onto another slope. Her derriere and the reverse side were still
>> bare, her pants down around her knees, and she was picking up speed all
>> the while. She continued backwards, totally out-of-control, creating an
>> unusual vista for the other skiers. The woman skied back under the lift
>> and finally collided violently with a pylon.
>> The bad news was that she broke her arm and was unable to pull up her ski
>> pants. At long last her husband arrived, putting an end to her nudie
>> show, then summoned the ski patrol. They transported her to a
>> hospital.
>> While in the emergency room, a man with an obviously broken leg was put
>> in the bed next to hers. "So, how'd you break your leg?" she asked,
>> making small talk.
>> "It was the stupidest thing you ever saw," he said. "I was riding up
>> this ski lift and suddenly, I couldn't believe my eyes! There was this
>> crazy woman skiing backward, out-of-control, down the mountain, with her
>> bare bottom hanging out of her pants. I leaned over to get a better look
>> and fell out of the lift." ......
>> "So, how'd you break your arm?"............................


----------



## SINC

An older couple were lying in bed one night. The husband was falling asleep but the wife was in a romantic mood and wanted to talk. 

She said: "You used to hold my hand when we were courting." Wearily he reached across, held her hand for a second and tried to get back to sleep. 

A few moments later she said: "Then you used to kiss me. "Mildly irritated, he reached across, gave her a peck on the cheek and settled down to sleep. 

Thirty seconds later she said: "Then you used to bite my neck." Angrily, he threw back the bed clothes and got out of bed. 

"Where are you going?" she asked. 

"To get my teeth!"


----------



## Boomcha

This one is for Dr. G. (Just started being a doxie owner myself)

A man runs into the vet's office carrying his Dachshund, screaming for help. The vet rushes him back to an examination room and has him put his Dachshund down on the examination table. The vet examines the still, limp body and after a few moments tells the man that his Dachshund, regrettable, is dead.

The man, clearly agitated and not willing to accept this, demands a second opinion.

The vet goes into the back room and comes out with a cat and puts the cat down next to the Dachshund's body. The cat sniffs the body, walks from head to tail poking and sniffing the Dachshund's body and finally looks at the vet and meows. The vet looks at the man and says,

"I'm sorry, but the cat thinks that your Dachshund is dead too."

The man is still unwilling to accept that his Dachshund is dead. The vet brings in a black Labrador. The lab sniffs the body, walks from head to tail, and finally looks at the vet and barks. The vet looks at the man and says, "I'm sorry, but the lab thinks your Dachshund is dead too."

The man, finally resigned to the diagnosis, thanks the vet and asks how much he owes.

The vet answers, "$650.

"$650 to tell me my Dachshund is dead?" exclaimed the man.

"Well," the vet replies, "I would only have charged you $50 for my initial diagnosis. The additional $600 was for the Cat scan and Lab tests."


----------



## Dr.G.

Good one, Boomcha. What sort of dachshunds do you own? We have four adult standard wirehaired doxies...........and four standard wirehaired doxie puppies.


----------



## Bosco

A female Mountie pulled over a drunk Saskatchewan farmer driving
down the back roads.

She said to him, "You're under arrest, anything you say, can and
will be held against you."


"Tits," replied the farmer.


----------



## MACSPECTRUM

*Cop and the Chrisitan*

Police aren¹t perfect, but this cop comes close to winning the ingenuity award. 


A driver did the thing, stopping at the crosswalk even though he could have beaten the red light by accelerating through the intersection. 

The tailgating woman behind him went ballistic, pounding on her horn and screaming in frustration as she missed her chance to drive through the intersection with him. Still in med-rant, she heard a tap on her window and looked up into the face of a very serious police officer. 

The officer ordered her to exit her car with her hands up. He took her to the police station where she was searched fingerprinted, photographed and placed in a cell. After a couple of hours, a policeman approached the cell and opened the door. She was escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting officer was waiting with her personal effects. 

He said, ³I¹m awfully sorry for this mistake. You see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping the guy off in front of you, and cussing a blue streak at him, I noticed the ³Choose Life² licence plate holder, the ³What would Jesus Do?² bumper sticker, the ³Follow me to Sunday School² bumper sticker and chrome plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk. 

Naturally, I assumed you had stolen the car.


----------



## ColBalt

*Thought of the Day!*

Some people are like slinkies,
They really don't have a purpose
But they can bring a smile to your face
When you push them down the stairs.


----------



## Dr.G.

ColBalt, that has got to hurt.


----------



## mr.steevo

I laughed out loud at ColBalt's poem. Does that make me a bad person?

s.


----------



## rgray

No but DrG will try to sell you on Doxies.... I'm a cat person, myself... but I'm not pushing them   

As Mr. Moosehead and I surf ehMac, my cats are barking out the windows at the birds I feed - pine warblers are thick here right now and I get about 2 dozen blue jays, 2 red squirrels (not eaten  ), 5 black squirrels, and everything else from jays to mourning doves thru crows - while I procrastinate on vacuuming and screw with the WebCT (does anyone love it?) for the Intro to Stats for Psych I am teaching this term - .... Pretty decent day.....


----------



## ColBalt

mr.steevo said:


> I laughed out loud at ColBalt's poem. Does that make me a bad person?
> 
> s.


No. I don't think it makes you a bad person. It makes you a human being with a healthy sence of humour.


----------



## Dr.G.

rgray, "WebCT (does anyone love it?)" -- I do!!! I have 7 online WebCT courses and am now a teleprofessor, with no on-campus courses.

"No but DrG will try to sell you on Doxies...." No need, because they sell themselves, especially the puppies.


----------



## Dr.G.

How To install a wireless security system:

Go to a second-hand store, buy a pair of men's used work boots, a really big pair. Put them outside your front door on top of a copy of "Guns and Ammo" magazine. Put a dog dish beside it. A really big dish. Leave a note on your front door that says something like --

"Bubba, big Mike and I have gone to get more ammunition - back in 1/2 an hr. Don't disturb the pit bulls, they've just been wormed." 

Or get yourself a pack of doxies.........


----------



## MACSPECTRUM

*In keeping with the Chinese New Year;

Legendary Proverbs:*

Passionate kiss like spider's web, soon lead to undoing of fly.

Virginity like bubble, one prick all gone.

Man who run in front of car get tired.

Man who run behind car get exhausted.

Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day.

Foolish man give wife grand piano, wise man give wife upright organ.

Man who walk thru airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok.

Man with one chopstick go hungry.

Man who scratches ass should not bite fingernails.

Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.

Baseball is wrong, man with four balls cannot walk.

Panties not best thing on earth but next to best thing on earth.

War doesn't determine who is right, war determines who is left.

Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cathouse.

Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.

It take many nails to build crib but one screw to fill it.

Man who drive like hell bound to get there.

Man who stand on toilet is high on pot.

Man who lives in glass house should change clothes in basement.

Man who fishes in other man's well often catches crabs.

Man who farts in church sits in own pew.

Man who drops watch in toilet bound to have crappy time.

Crowded elevator smells different to midget.


----------



## MACSPECTRUM

Three priests were in a railroad station on their
way home to Pittsburgh.

Behind the ticket counter was a very sexy, shapely,
well endowed woman wearing a very tight, skimpy sweater. 
She made the three priests very nervous, so they
drew straws to determine who would get the tickets.
The first priest approached the window. "Young lady, I would like three pickets to titsburg." He completely lost his composure and fled.

The second priest goes to the window. "Young lady, I would like three tickets to Pittsburgh and I would like the change in nipples and dimes." 
Mortified, he too fled.

"Morons...." the third priest mutters and moves to the window. "Young lady, I would like three tickets to Pittsburgh and I would like the change in nickels and dimes. And, if you insist on dressing like that, when you get to the pearly gates, St. Finger's going to shake his Peter at you."

They took the bus


----------



## SINC

There was this little guy sitting in a bar, drinking, minding his own business when all of a sudden this great big guy comes in and --WHACK!! -- knocks him clean off the bar stool and onto the floor. The big guy says, "That was a karate chop from Korea." 

The little guy thinks "GEEZ," but he gets back up on the stool and starts drinking again when all of a sudden --WHACK-- the big guy knocks him down AGAIN and says, "That was a judo chop from Japan." 

So the little guy has had enough of this... He gets up, brushes himself off and quietly leaves. The little guy is gone for an hour or so when he returned. Without saying a word, he walks up behind the big idiot and --Bong!!!-- bangs the big guy off his stool, knocking him out cold!!! 

The little guy looks at the bartender and says, "When he comes to, tell him that was a crowbar from Sears."


----------



## The Doug

Funny lines from the original Hollywood Squares show.

Q. Do female frogs croak?
A. Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough.

Q. If you're going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should you be?
A. Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.

Q. True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years.
A. George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes

Q. You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman?
A. Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me awake.

Q. According to Cosmo, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think that he is attractive, is it okay to come out and ask him if he's married?
A. Rose Marie: No, wait until morning.

Q. Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?
A. Charley Weaver: My sense of decency.

Q. In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to say "I Love You"?
A. Vincent Price: No, you can say it with a pineapple and a twenty.

Q. What are "Do It," "I Can Help," and "I Can't Get Enough"?
A. George Gobel: I don't know, but it's coming from the next apartment.

Q. As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your hands while talking?
A. Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing old question Peter, and I'll give you a gesture you'll never forget.

Q. Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather?
A. Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.

Q. Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get any during the first year?
A. Charley Weaver: Of course not. I'm too busy growing strawberries.

Q. In bowling, what's a perfect score?
A. Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.

Q. It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at a nudist camp. One is politics. What is the other?
A. Paul Lynde: Tape measures.

Q. During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet?
A. Rose Marie: Unfortunately Peter, I'm always safe in the bedroom.

Q. Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls?
A. Marty Allen: Only after lights out.

Q. When you pat a dog on its head he will wag his tail. What will a goose do?
A. Paul Lynde: Make him bark?

Q. If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to?
A. Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark.

Q. According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people?
A. Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army.

Q. While visiting China, your tour guide starts shouting "Poo! Poo! Poo! "What does this mean?
A. George Gobel: Cattle crossing.

Q. It is the most abused and neglected part of your body, what is it?
A. Paul Lynde: Mine may be abused, but it certainly isn't neglected.

Q. Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head,what was he trying to do?
A. George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.

Q. Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your elephant?
A. Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant?

Q. When a couple have a baby, who is responsible for its sex?
A. Charley Weaver: I'll lend him the car; the rest is up to him.

Q. Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they?
A. Charley Weaver: His feet

Q. According to Ann Landers, what are two things you should never do in bed?
A. Paul Lynde: Point and Laugh


----------



## MACSPECTRUM

*20 WAYS TO MAINTAIN A HEALTHY LEVEL OF INSANITY*

1. At lunch time, sit in your parked car with sunglasses on and
point a hair dryer at passing cars. See if they slow down.

2. Page yourself over the intercom. Don't disguise your voice.

3. Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want
fries with that.

4. Put your garbage can on your desk and label it "IN".

5. Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has
gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.

6 In the memo field of all your checks, write "for smuggling
diamonds".

7. Finish all your sentences with "in accordance with the prophecy".

8. Don't use any punctuation.

9. As often as possible, skip rather than walk.

10. Order a Diet Water whenever you go out to eat - with a
serious face.

11. Specify that your drive-through order is "to go".

12. Sing along at the opera.

13. Put mosquito netting around your work area and play
tropical sounds all day at work.

14. Go to a poetry recital and ask why the poems don't rhyme.

15. Five days in advance, tell your friends you can't attend
their party because you're not in the mood.

16. Have your coworkers address you by your wrestling name,
Rock Bottom.

17. When the money comes out the ATM, scream "I won! I won!"

18. When leaving the zoo, start running towards the parking lot
yelling, "Run for your lives, they're loose!!"

19. Tell your children over dinner "due to the economy, we are
going to have to let one of you go."

20. And the final way to keep a healthy level of insanity . .
e-mail this to someone to make them smile and laugh. Its called
therapy.


----------



## SINC

Having been married ten years and still living in an apartment, the wife would often complain about anything, as she was tired of saving every penny to buy a "dream home".

Trying to placate her, the husband found a new apartment, within their budget. However, after the first week, she began complaining again.

"Joel," she said, "I don't like this place at all. There are no curtains in the bathroom. The neighbors can see me every time I take a bath."

"Don't worry." replied her husband. "If the neighbors do see you, they'll buy curtains."


----------



## RevMatt

Men Are Just Happier People
What do you expect from such simple creatures? 
Your last name stays put. The garage is all yours. Wedding plans take care of themselves. Chocolate is just another snack. You can be Prime Minister (God forbid).
You can never be pregnant. You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park. You can wear NO shirt to a water park. 
Car mechanics tell you the truth. The world is your urinal. You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky. You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt. Same work, more pay. 
Wrinkles add character. Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental-$100. People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them. The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected. 
New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet. One mood all the time. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat. You know stuff about tanks. A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase. You can open all your own jars. 
You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness. If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend. Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough. You almost never have strap problems in public. You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes. 
Everything on your face stays its original color. The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades. You only have to shave your face and neck. You can play with toys all your life. Your belly usually hides your big hips. 
One wallet and one pair of shoes one color for all seasons. You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look. You can "do" your nails with a pocket knife. You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache. 
You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes. No wonder men are happier."


----------



## Aurora

*Airline Chatter*

Tower: "Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o'clock, 6 miles!"
Delta 351: "Give us another hint! We have digital watches!"
============================================================

"TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 Degrees."

"Centre, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?"

"Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 737?"

============= =========================================

From an unknown aircraft waiting in a very long takeoff queue:
"I'm f...ing bored!"

Ground Traffic Control: "Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself immediately!"

Unknown aircraft: "I said I was f... ing bored, not f... ing stupid!"

============================================================
O'Hare Approach Control to a 747:
"United 329 heavy, your traffic is a Fokker, one o'clock, three miles, Eastbound."

United 329: "Approach, I've always wanted to say this...
I've got the little Fokker in sight."
============================================================
A student became lost during a solo cross-country flight.
While attempting to locate the aircraft on radar, ATC asked,
"What was your last known position?"
Student: "When I was number one for take-off."
============================================================
A DC-10 had come in a little hot and thus had an exceedingly long roll
out after touching down.

San Jose Tower Noted: "American 751, make a hard right turn at the end
of the runway, if you are able. If you are not able, take the
Guadeloupe exit off Highway 101, make a right at the lights and return to the airport."

============================================================
There's a story about the military pilot calling for a priority landing
because his single-engine jet fighter was running "a bit peaked."

Air Traffic Control told the fighter jock that he was number two,
behind a B-52 that had one engine shut down.

"Ah," the fighter pilot remarked, "The dreaded seven-engine approach."
============================================================
Taxiing down the tarmac, a DC-10 abruptly stopped, turned around and
returned to the gate. After an hour-long wait, it finally took off.
A concerned passenger asked the flight attendant,
"What, exactly, was the problem?"

"The pilot was bothered by a noise he heard in the engine,"
explained the flight attendant. "It took us a while to find a new pilot."
============================================================
A Pan Am 727 flight waiting for start clearance in Munich overheard the following:

Lufthansa (in German): "Ground, what is our start clearance time?"

Ground (in English): "If you want an answer you must speak in English."

Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in Germany.
Why must I speak English?"

Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent):
"Because you lost the bloody war."

============================================================

Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for take-off, contact Departure on frequency 124.7"

Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By the way,
after we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of
the runway."

Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for take-off behind Eastern 702,
contact Departure on frequency 124.7.
Did you copy that report from Eastern 702?"

Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for take-off, roger; and yes,
we copied Eastern... We've already notified our caterers."

=========================================================
One day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold
short of the active runway while a DC-8 landed. The DC-8 landed, rolled out,
turned around, and taxied back past the Cherokee.

Some quick-witted comedian in the DC-8 crew got on the radio and said,
"What a cute little plane. Did you make it all by yourself?"

The Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came back with a real zinger:
"I made it out of DC-8 parts. Another landing like yours and I'll have enough parts for another one."

============================================================
The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a short-tempered lot.
They not only expect one to know one's gate parking location,
but how to get there without any assistance from them.

So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747)
listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control
and a British Airways747, call sign Speedbird 206.

Speedbird 206: "Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of active runway."

Ground: "Speedbird 206 Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven."

The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.

Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"

Speedbird 206: "Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now."

Ground (with quite arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, have you not been to Frankfurt before?"

Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark, -- And I didn't land."

===========================================================
While taxiing at London's Gatwick Airport, the crew of a US Air flight departing
for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727.

An irate female ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew, screaming:
"US Air 2771, where the hell are you going?! I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway!
You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I know it's difficult for you to tell the difference between C and D,but get it right!"

Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically:
"God! Now you've screwed everything up! It'll take forever to sort this out!
You stay right there and don't move till I tell you to! You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour, and I want you to go exactly where I tell you,
when I tell you, and how I tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?"

"Yes, ma'am," the humbled crew responded.

Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly silent
after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to chance
engaging the irate ground controller in her current state of mind.

Tension in every cockpit out around Gatwick was definitely running high.

Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone,
asking: "Wasn't I married to you once?"


----------



## SINC

This looks like the perfect place to hang this:


----------



## RevMatt

From Bash.org
Good Book Report

Students were assigned to read 2 books, "Titanic" & "My Life" by Bill Clinton.
One smart-ass student turned in the following book report, with the proposition that they were nearly identical stories!
His cool professor gave him an A+ for this report:

Titanic:..... $29.99
Clinton:..... $29.99

Titanic:..... Over 3 hours to read
Clinton:..... Over 3 hours to read

Titanic:..... The story of Jack and Rose, their forbidden love, and
subsequent catastrophe.
Clinton:..... The story of Bill and Monica, their forbidden love, and
subsequent catastrophe.

Titanic:..... Jack is a starving artist.
Clinton:..... Bill is a bull**** artist.

Titanic:..... In one scene, Jack enjoys a good cigar.
Clinton:..... Ditto for Bill.

Titanic:..... During ordeal, Rose's dress gets ruined.
Clinton:..... Ditto for Monica.

Titanic:..... Jack teaches Rose to spit.
Clinton:..... Let's not go there.

Titanic:..... Rose gets to keep her jewellery.
Clinton:..... Monica's forced to return her gifts.

Titanic:..... Rose remembers Jack for the rest of her life.
Clinton:..... Clinton doesn't remember Jack.

Titanic:..... Rose goes down on a vessel full of seamen.
Clinton:..... Monica...ooh, let's not go there, either.

Titanic:..... Jack surrenders to an icy death.
Clinton:..... Bill goes home to Hilary...basically the same thing


----------



## Dr.G.

RevMatt, and you a man of the cloth. I am shocked!!! However, the similarities are interesting, if not shocking. Paix, mon ami.


----------



## MissGulch

I have one dedicated to our naughty vicar, RevMatt. This was graffiti I spotted on the wall of a loo in East Anglia, England a long, long time ago:

There was a young lady from Nod
Who thought she was posessed by God.
But it wasn't the almighty
That went up her nightie.
It was the vicar,
That dirty old sod.


----------



## RevMatt

Hehehehe. Good one! I got sent a joke about Pastor Fluff by someone in one of my churches, but I have since lost it. If you Pastor Fluff the right way, though, you should be able to get the general gist of it.


----------



## SINC

Here's another one for you RevMatt:

An elderly couple was attending church services and about halfway through she leans over and says, "I just let a silent fart what do you think I should do?"

He replies "Put a new battery in your hearing aid."


----------



## RevMatt

Hehehe. Another good one  There must be some way I can work some of these into a sermon...


----------



## Bolor

A Hell stone and brim-fire type preacher in the hills of Kentucky was reaming out his congregation for all the naughtiness that the congregation was partaking of. It went something like this:
"All those that are shein' and hein' stand up" ... about 2/3 stood
"All those hein' and hein', stand up" ... a few guys stood up
"All those shein' and shein', stand up .. a few more stood. There was only on guy left sitting down at this point and the preacher started to praise this man for the fine example he set. "And what do you attribute to to your fine attributes and what do you say for yourself?"
"well" drawled the man, "I have done any of the hein' and shein', or any of the hein' and hein' and I can't take part in any shein' and shein' but you didn't ask about mein' and mein' .


----------



## SINC

And if you liked that one RevMatt:

Two little old ladies were attending a rather long church service.

One leaned over and whispered, "My butt is going to sleep".

"I know", replied her companion, "I heard it snore three times".


----------



## SINC

I'm on a roll:

A preacher retired and moved to the country to enjoy life and practice his hobby of yard work. Needing a lawn mower, he headed into town to buy one. On the way he saw a sign advertising a lawn mower for sale. He stopped at the house and a young lad came out to greet him. 

The preacher asked about the lawn mower and the kid said it was behind the house. The two went to look at the lawn mower. The engine was sputtering along at idle speed. The preacher increased the speed of the engine and mowed a few strips. Satisfied that the mower would do the job they settled on a price of $25.00.

Later in the day, the young lad was riding his bicycle when he spied the preacher pulling on the engine starter rope. The kid stopped and watched for a couple of minutes. He asked, "What's wrong?" 

The reply came, "I can't get this mower started. Do you know how?"

The kid said, "Yep."

"Well, how do you do it? Tell me!", the preacher yelled.

The kid replied, "You have to cuss it."

The preacher rose up indignantly. "Now you listen here. I am a preacher and if I ever did cuss, not saying I have, I've forgotten how to do it after all these years." 

With a wise look on his face well beyond his years, the kid said, "Preacher, you keep on pulling that rope and it'll all come back to ya."


----------



## MacAndy

I have to pipe in with one of my all-time favourite Dave Allen [rest his soul] jokes...

A Catholic and an Anglican minister pass each other on their bikes every Sunday on their way to their respective churches. They give each other a friendly nod and ride on. One Sunday, the Catholic minister is cycling along and notices the Anglican minister walking towards him.

So he stops and asks "Ay, I see you don't have yoor bike wid ya this mornin'?"

"Ach," replies the Anglican minister, "me bike is goon. What's woorst, I believe it to be one of mee ooown flock."

"That's terrible," relies the Catholic minister. "I think I know what you can doo. When you get up there this mornin' you preach fire and brimstone and you go threw the ten commandments, and when you get to 'though shalt not steal' I bet you'll have yer culprit."

"That maaaarveloos," replied the Anglican minister. They go on their way.

Sure enough, the following Sunday, along comes the Anglican minister on his bike and they stop again.

"Aiee! I see you goot yer bike!" says the Catholic minister, "Did what I tell you do the trick?" he asks.

"Well, ah, yes and noo." Replies the Anglican minister. "I did as you saed... I got up there and I preached fire and brimstone, striking fear in them all, and I started going through the ten commandments... but when I got to 'though shalt not commit adultery' I remembered where I left me bike!"

My apologies to Dave Allen - Dave, no one can deliver it as you did. I watched him all through the late Seventies and early Eighties, 10:30pm I think it was on Buffalo 29, every night, right after Benny Hill.

I'm warped for life.


----------



## RevMatt

There was a man who had worked all of his life, had saved all of his money, and was a real miser when it came to his money.

Just before he died, he said to his wife, "When I die, I want you to take all my money and put it in the casket with me. I want to take my money to the afterlife with me."

And so he got his wife to promise him with all of her heart that when he died she would put all of the money in the casket with him.

Well, he died.

He was stretched out in the casket, his wife was sitting there in black, and her friend was sitting next to her.

When they finished the ceremony, just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said, "Wait just a minute!"

She had a box with her, she came over with the box and put it in the casket.

Then the undertakers locked the casket down and they rolled it away.

So her friend said, "Girl, I know you weren't fool enough to put all that money in there with your husband."

The loyal wife replied "Listen, I can't go back on my word. I promised him that I was going to put that money in that casket with him."

"You mean to tell me you put that money in the casket with him!!!!?"

"I sure did," said the wife. "I got it all together, put it into my account and wrote him a check. If he can cash it, he can spend it."


----------



## Dr.G.

Good one, RevMatt.


----------



## MLeh

I came across this one - and I apologise if it's been quoted before, but I like it.

*If Doctor Suess Did Technical Writing*

_If a packet hits a pocket on a socket on a port, 
and the bus is interrupted as a very last resort, 
and the address of the memory makes your floppy disk abort, 
then the socket packet pocket has an error to report. 

If your cursor finds a menu item followed by a dash, 
and the double-clicking icon puts your window in the trash, 
and your data is corrupted 'cause the index doesn't hash, 
then your situation's hopeless and your system's gonna crash! 

If the label on the cable on the table at your house, 
says the network is connected to the button on your mouse, 
but your packets want to tunnel on another protocol, 
that's repeatedly rejected by the printer down the hall, 
and your screen is all distorted by the side effects of gauss, 
so your icons in the window are as wavy as a souse,
then you may as well reboot and go out with a bang, 
'cause as sure as I'm a poet, the sucker's gonna hang! 

When the copy of your floppy's getting sloppy on the disk, 
and the microcode instructions cause unnecessary risk, 
then you have to flash your memory and you'll want to RAM your ROM. 

Quickly turn off the computer and go and tell your mom.

(by Bill Bercu)_


----------



## The Doug

http://www.cryingwhileeating.com/

http://www.rathergood.com/first_drink/

http://www.menwholooklikekennyrogers.com/


----------



## Lawrence

A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around
looking for valuables, and when he picked up a CD Player to place in his
sack, a strange, disembodied voice echoed from the dark saying "Jesus is
watching you."

He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight 
out, and froze.

When he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook his 
head, promised himself a vacation after the next big score, then 
clicked the light on and began searching for more valuables.

Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect 
the wires, clear as a bell he heard, "Jesus is watching you."

Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, 
looking for the source of the voice.

Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam 
came to rest on a parrot.

"Did you say that?" he hissed at the parrot.

"Yep," the parrot confessed, then squawked, "I'm just 
trying to warn you."

The burglar relaxed. "Warn me, huh? Who in the world are 
you?"

"Moses," replied the bird.

"Moses?" the burglar laughed. "What kind of people would 
name a bird Moses?"

"The kind of people that would name a Rottweiler Jesus."


----------



## SINC

Very good Dave! :clap: :lmao:


----------



## Dr.G.

I sent that joke to my wife, but took the liberty of changing the type of dog at the end from a Rottweiler to a breed more vicious.


----------



## Bosco

Dr.G. said:


> I sent that joke to my wife, but took the liberty of changing the type of dog at the end from a Rottweiler to a breed more vicious.



A Doxie??


----------



## duosonic

Watching CBC coverage of the Winter Olympics, I saw an Inuit competing 
in the downhill slalom. He kept getting in the way of the other skiers,
and yet no one did anything to remove him from the course. I just
couldn't believe my eyes!

Finally, I realized my mistake. He was not, in fact, an Inuit
competitor.

He was only an obstacle Aleutian.

(unknown authorship)


----------



## Dr.G.

Bosco, I have been getting private messages requesting that I not use the "D" word in threads other than The Shang. Thus, while you are correct in your assumption, you did not hear it from me. Of course, it is common knowledge that pit bulls, German Sheppards, Dobermans and Rottweiler have all been guarded by the "D" dog. Of course, any dog bred to tunnel down into a badger's hole, or to hunt down wolverines, is NOT afraid of a pit bull or Rottweiler.


----------



## Bosco

I assume that you're not kidding but I find it hard to believe that some people have a problem with the word "Doxie". There I said it.

I actually like the word and have no problem if you use it. In fact I'm a little miffed that anyone would have enough of a problem with it that they would privately message you about that. After all, this is a PUBLIC forum and I will miss your use of that word.

The things that some people have problems with!!!


----------



## SINC

The cowboy was trying to buy an insurance policy. The insurance agent was going down the list of standard questions.

"Ever have an accident?"

"Nope, nary a one."

"None? You've never had any accidents."

"Nope. Ain't never had one. Never."

"That's hard to believe. No accidents at all?"

"Well, a rattler bit me one time."

"Wouldn't you consider that an accident?"

"Heck no. Darned varmint bit me on purpose."


----------



## Dr.G.

Bosco, we are in total agreement re the "D" word.


----------



## SINC

This is another one just for RevMatt, but the rest of you may enjoy it too!

Mildred, the church gossip, self-appointed monitor of the church's morals, kept sticking her nose into other people's business. Several members did not approve of her extra curricular activities, but feared her enough to maintain their silence. 

She made a mistake, however, when she accused Henry, a new member, of being an alcoholic after she saw his old pickup truck parked in front of the town's only bar one
afternoon.

She emphatically told Henry and several others that everyone seeing it there would know what he was doing.

Henry, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment and just turned and walked away. He didn't explain, defend, or deny. He said nothing.

Later that evening, Henry quietly parked his pickup in front of Mildred's house . . . walked home . . . and left it there all night.

You gotta love Henry!


----------



## MACSPECTRUM

Bill Clinton started jogging near his new home in Chappaqua. 

On each run he happened to jog past a hooker standing on the same street corner, day after day. With some apprehension he would brace himself as he approached her for what was most certainly to follow. 

"Fifty dollars!" she would shout from the curb. 

"No, five dollars!" fired back Clinton. 

This ritual between Bill and the working girl continued for days. 

He'd run by and she'd yell, "Fifty dollars!" And he'd yell back,"Five dollars!" 

One day however, Hillary decided that she wanted to accompany her husband on his jog. 

As the jogging couple neared the problematic street corner, Bill realized the "pro" would bark her $50 offer and Hillary would wonder what he'd really been doing on all his past outings. He realized he should have a darn good explanation for the Senator. 

As they jogged into the turn that would take them past the corner, there was the hooker. 

Bill tried to avoid the "pros" eyes as she watched the pair jog past. 

Then, from the sidewalk, the hooker yelled, 

"See what you get for five bucks?"


----------



## SINC

Experts agree that over the past few years more money has been spent on breast implants and Viagra than is spent on Alzheimer's disease research. 

It is believed that by the year 2030, there will be a large number of people wandering around with huge breasts and erections that can't remember what to do with them.


----------



## SINC

Tee hee!


----------



## ErnstNL

Thank you SINC, that picture is now posted on a wall in our lab. :lmao: :lmao:


----------



## Bosco

A sign at my gym

Unattended Children
Will be given Espresso 
and a Free Puppy


----------



## SINC

Here is one more that caught me off guard!

"Sitting together on a train, traveling through the Canadian Rockies, were an American guy, a Canadian guy, a little old Greek lady, and a young blonde girl with large breasts. The train goes into a dark tunnel and a few seconds later there is the sound of a loud slap. When the train emerges from the tunnel, the American has a bright red hand print on his cheek. No one speaks.

The little old Greek lady thinks: The American guy must have groped the blonde in the dark and she slapped his cheek.

The blonde girl thinks: That American guy must have tried to grope me in the dark, but missed and fondled the old lady and she slapped his cheek.

The American thinks: The Canadian guy must have groped the blonde in the dark. She tried to slap him but missed and got me instead.

The Canadian thinks: I can't wait for another tunnel, just so I can smack the American again.

Now THAT'S Canadian!"


----------



## SINC

ErnstNL said:


> Thank you SINC, that picture is now posted on a wall in our lab. :lmao: :lmao:


Always glad to be of service!


----------



## SINC

My wife left me.

I don't understand. 

After the last child was born, she told me we had to cut back on expenses, I had to give up drinking beer. I was not a big drinker, maybe a 12-pack on weekends. 

Anyway, I gave it up, but the other day, when she came home from shopping and I looked at the receipt and saw $45 in makeup.

I said, "Wait a minute. I've given up beer and you haven't given up anything!"

She said, "I buy that makeup so I can look pretty for you."

I told her, "Hell, that's what the beer was for!"

I don't think she'll be back.


----------



## Bosco

The title cracked me up.

Man caught with goat forced to marry it!

http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/africa/4748292.stm


----------



## SINC

Six retired Irishmen were playing poker in O'Leary's apartment when Paddy Murphy loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest and drops dead at the table.

Showing respect for their fallen brother, the other five continue playing standing up.

Michael O'Conner looks around and asks, "Oh, me boys, someone got's to tell Paddy's wife. Who will it be?"

They draw straws. Liam Gallagher picks the short one. They tell him to be discreet be gentle, don't make a bad
situation any worse.

"Discreet??? I'm the most discreet Irishmen you'll ever meet. Discretion is my middle name. Leave it to me"

Gallagher goes over to Murphy's house and knocks on
the door. Mrs. Murphy answers and asks what he wants.

Gallagher declares: "Your husband just lost $500 and is
afraid to come home".

"Tell him to drop dead!" says Murphy's wife.

"I'll go tell him." says Gallagher.


----------



## MACSPECTRUM

*1st year Med Students*

First-year students at Med School were receiving their first Anatomy
class with a real dead human body. They all gathered around the
surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet. The professor
started the class by telling them: "In medicine, it Is necessary to have 2
important qualities as a doctor.

The first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving the
human body." For an example, the Professor pulled back the sheet, stuck
his finger in the butt of the corpse, withdrew it and stuck his finger
in his mouth." Go ahead and do the same thing," he told his students.

The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes, but
eventually took turns sticking a finger in the butt of the dead body and
sucking on it. When everyone had finished, the Professor looked at them and
told them,

"The second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my
middle finger and sucked on my index finger. Now learn to pay attention."


----------



## MissGulch

I had to reread this twice because I just didn't get it.

Now THAT'S American.  




SINC said:


> Here is one more that caught me off guard!
> 
> "Sitting together on a train, traveling through the Canadian Rockies, were an American guy, a Canadian guy, a little old Greek lady, and a young blonde girl with large breasts. The train goes into a dark tunnel and a few seconds later there is the sound of a loud slap. When the train emerges from the tunnel, the American has a bright red hand print on his cheek. No one speaks.
> 
> The little old Greek lady thinks: The American guy must have groped the blonde in the dark and she slapped his cheek.
> 
> The blonde girl thinks: That American guy must have tried to grope me in the dark, but missed and fondled the old lady and she slapped his cheek.
> 
> The American thinks: The Canadian guy must have groped the blonde in the dark. She tried to slap him but missed and got me instead.
> 
> The Canadian thinks: I can't wait for another tunnel, just so I can smack the American again.
> 
> Now THAT'S Canadian!"


----------



## Aurora

I understand that when the Newfie team won the gold medal for Curling at the Olympics, They rushed home and had it bronzed.


----------



## Dr.G.

Aurora, that is an insulting comment, not worthy to be called a joke.


----------



## SINC

Here's a little something to lighten the mood:

A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office. 

After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone. He said, "Your husband is suffering from a very severe stress disorder. If you don't follow my instructions carefully, your husband will surely die. 

"Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant at all times. For lunch make him a nutritious meal. For dinner prepare an especially nice meal for him. 

"Don't burden him with chores. Don't discuss your problems with him; it will only make his stress worse. Do not nag him. Most importantly, make love to him regularly. 

"If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health completely." 

On the way home, the husband asked his wife, "What did the doctor say?" 

"He said you're going to die," she replied.


----------



## Aurora

Dr. G. For 20 years in the Cdn Forces, the best newfie jokes I heard were told by Newfoundlanders. Lighten up


----------



## ErnstNL

Gawd, I hate that word "Newfie"


----------



## SINC

For the record, some of my best friends from Newfoundland and Labrador that I have known since the early 1980s call themselves "that word" and use it to refer to the Newfoundland Club in Fort McMurray.

It seems to me that it is more a term of endearment to them out west, than it is an insult.

But I never use it unless they do first.


----------



## Dr.G.

ErnstNL, as do I. Aurora just does not "get it". Self-depricating humor is not funny, and is used as a defense. Paix, mon ami.


----------



## Dr.G.

My grandmother felt that chicken soup was the cure all for everything wrong with the body, mind and soul. In fact, she felt that chicken soup could bring about world peace.

When I was a little boy my grandmother took me to a Broadway play. Around the second act, at a dramatic moment, the star of the show suddenly clutches his chest and drops to the floor. The entire house is hushed, and then the other actors quickly rush to the fallen man's side. As he lay on the stage, the audience suddenly realizes that this is not part of the play. A doctor rushes up onto the stage and starts to administer CPR. At this my grandmother shouts out "Give him some chicken soup!". 

An ambulance arrives outside of the theatre, and an emergency crew rushes onto the stage to care for the fallen actor. Again my grandmother yells out "Give him some chicken soup!" Everyone starts to stare at my grandmother.

The emergency crew begins to place the ashen faced actor on to the stretcher, and again my grandmother yells out "Give him some chicken soup!". 

The doctor who initially tended to the fallen actor steps off the stage and comes up to my grandmother. With anger in his eyes he says "Madam, this man may have just suffered a massive coronary. I can assure you that giving him chicken soup would do him no earthly good."

My grandmother, with kindness in her eyes, and with the conviction of one who came to America as a little girl after the Tzar's pogroms against the Jews, simply replied "It couldn't hurt."

So, on this cold Canadian night, let's all be grateful that we live somewhere in Canada, and let's all have a bowl of chicken soup. After all, it couldn't hurt.


----------



## SINC

A man walks into a bar and yells, "Bartender, give me twenty shots of your best single malt scotch!" 

The bartender pours the shots and the man drinks them down one at a time, as fast as he can. 

The bartender says "Wow, I never saw anyonebody drink that fast".

The man replies by saying, "Well, you'd drink fast if you had what I have".

The bartender says "Oh my god, what do you have??!!" 

The man says "Fifty cents"!


----------



## Dr.G.

Good one, my brother.


----------



## SINC

A new manager spends a week at his new office with the manager he is replacing. On the last day the departing manager tells him, "I have left three numbered envelopes in the desk drawer. Open an envelope if you encounter a crisis you can't solve." 

Three months down the track there is major drama, everything goes wrong - the usual stuff - and the manager feels very threatened by it all. 

He remembers the parting words of his predecessor and opens the first envelope. The message inside says "Blame your predecessor!" He does this and gets off the hook. 

About half a year later, the company is experiencing a dip in sales, combined with serious product problems. The manager quickly opens the second envelope. The message read, "Reorganize!" This he does, and the company quickly rebounds. 

Three months later, at his next crisis, he opens the third envelope. The message inside says "Prepare three envelopes".


----------



## Dr.G.

In this age of mixing breeds to get the perfect pet, here are some crosses for consideration:

Collie + Lhasa Apso = Collapso, a dog that folds up easy for transporting

Pointer + Setter = Poinsetter, a traditional Christmas pet

Kerry Blue Terrier +Skye Terrier = Blue Skye, a dog for visionaries

Great Pyrenees + Dachshund = Pyradachs, a puzzling breed

Pekingnese + Lhasa Apso = Peekasso, an abstract dog

Irish Water Spaniel + English Springer Spaniel = Irish Springer, a dog fresh and clean as a whistle

Labrador Retriever + Curly Coated Retriever = Lab Coat Retriever, the choice of research scientists

Newfoundland+ Basset Hound = Newfound Asset Hound, a dog for financial advisors

Bloodhound + Labrador = Blabador, not a popular dog with CIA agents

Malamute + Pointer = Moot Point, owned by… oh, well, it doesn’t matter anyway

Collie + Malamute = Commute, a dog that travels to work

Deerhound + Terrier = Derriere, a dog that’s true to the end

Bloodhound + Borzoi = Bloody Bore, a dog that’s not much fun


----------



## SINC

This one is for Dr. G.:

A Jewish grandmother is watching her grandchild playing on the beach when a huge wave comes and takes him out to sea. She pleads, "Please God, save my only grandson. I beg of you, bring him back." A big wave comes and washes the boy back onto the beach, good as new. She looks up to heaven and says, "He had a hat!"


----------



## Dr.G.

Sinc, I posted the full text of "He had a hat" story way back when. You have to add depth and Jewish tradition to really make this joke work. Still, I have a smile on my face for all the times I have told this joke at parties to have people rolling on the floor. Having the New York Jewish accent helps to make the punch line. Paix, mon frere.


----------



## Dr.G.

This is an oldie but a goodie (in my opinion). It loses some of the emphasis with my not being able to transmit this with the necessary Yiddish accent and body language. THIS would be a great candidate for an iChat/iSight exchange. Keep in mind that this came out of Jewish vaudeville, so I take no credit for creating this masterpiece.

A mother and son were walking on the Coney Island beach. Suddenly, a huge wave surges in and pulls the little boy back into the ocean in the undertow.

The mother is frantic. She beseeches to God to hear her prayer and return her son, alive and unharmed. She vows to light a special candle in honor of God's mercy and benevolence each Friday night at the Sabbeth meal.

God, hearing her request, intervenes on her behalf. Another large wave, bigger than the first one which swept away her son, crashes onto the beach and deposits the little boy at her feet.

She is overjoyed, hugging her son. Then, with tears still streaming from her eyes, she looks heavenward, and exclaims,

"He had a hat."


----------



## SINC

Another one for Dr. G.:
A young Jewish man excitedly tells his mother he's fallen in love and that he is going to get married. 
He says, "Just for fun, Ma, I'm going to bring over 3 women and you try and guess which one I'm going to marry." 
The mother agrees. 
The next day, he brings three beautiful women into the house and sits them down on the couch and they chat for a while. 
He then says, "Okay, Ma, guess which one I'm going to marry." 
She immediately replies, "The one on the right." 
"That's amazing, Ma. You're right. How did you know? 
His mother replies, "I don't like her."


----------



## Dr.G.

Sinc, you left out some good parts re the "chat", but the chuckle still comes through.  You should have been in Jewish Vaudeville.


----------



## Bosco

SINC said:


> His mother replies, "I don't like her."



SINC, I look forward to your jokes. They've all been hilarious but this one' got me rolling on the floor.      5 outta 5 's

You can substitute Jewish mom for Italian and others as well.


----------



## SINC

Here' yet another:

A noted sex therapist realized that people often lie about the frequency of their encounters, so he devised a test to tell for certain how often someone had sex.

To prove his theory, he filled up an auditorium with people, and went down the line asking each person to smile. Using the size of the person's smile, the therapist was able to guess accurately how often each person had sex. The last man in line was grinning from ear to ear.

"Twice a day," the therapist guessed, but was surprised when the man said no. "Once a day, then?" Again the answer was no. "Twice a week?"

"No."

"Twice a month?"

"No."

When the doctor asked, "Once a year?" the man finally said yes.

The therapist was angry that his theory hadn’t worked with this individual, and he asked the man, "What the heck are you so happy about?"

The man answered, "Tonight's the night!"


----------



## Bosco

Stop it. You're killing me!!!     

;


----------



## SINC

Hey, this is fun:

The bank manager was in the final stages of hiring a cashier and was down to two final applicants, one of which would get the job.

The first one interviewed was from a small town. A nice young man, but a bit timid.

Then he called for the second man, "Jim Johnson!" Up stepped a burley young man who seemed quite sure of himself. "He looks like he can take care of any situation," thought the manager, and decided, there and then, to hire him.

He turned to the first applicant and told him he could go and they would let him know.

Turning to Johnson, he said, "Now Jim, I like the way you carry yourself. That's an important asset for the job as cashier. However, you must be precise. I noticed you did not fill out the place on the application where we asked your formal education."

Jim looked a little confused so the manager said, "Where did you get your financial education?"

"Oh," replied Jim, "Yale."

"That's very good, excellent. You're hired!"

"Now that you're working for us, what do you prefer to be called?"

Jim answered "I don't care... Yim... or Mr. Yonson."


----------



## markceltic

A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly her husband burst into the kitchen.

"Careful .. CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh NO NO ! You're cooking
too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh good grief! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful . CAREFUL!!! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!!!"

The wife stared at him. "What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of EGGS ???"

The husband calmly replied, "I wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving !!!"


----------



## The Doug

Dr.G. said:


> In this age of mixing breeds to get the perfect pet, here are some crosses for consideration...


Thanks for the chuckle, Dr.G. - that list is priceless!


----------



## SINC

There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire to become a great writer. 

When asked to define great, he said, "I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!" 

He now works for Microsoft writing error messages.


----------



## RevMatt

I hesitate to post this, being of the wrong gender, but I'll just have to take my lumps, I guess.

I was out walking with my four-year-old daughter. She picked up something off the ground and started to put it in her mouth. I took the item away from her and I asked her not to do that.
"Why?" my daughter asked.
"Because it's been lying outside, you don't know where it's been, it's dirty and probably has germs."
At this point, my daughter looked at me with total admiration and asked, "Wow! How do you know all this stuff?"
"Uh," I was thinking quickly, "All moms know this stuff. It's on the Mommy Test. You have to know it or they don't let you be a Mommy."
We walked along in silence for two or three minutes, but she was evidently pondering this new information.
"Oh, I get it!" she beamed, "So if you don't pass the test you have to be the daddy!"


----------



## Ena

Really old joke; but here goes.

Two nuns were sitting on a park bench when a streaker went by. The first one had a stroke; the second one was too late.


----------



## RevMatt

Ena! I am shocked. Somewhat. Or, rather, giggling  Makes me think of this, since we are being sacriligeous .


----------



## Ena

RevMatt said:


> Ena! I am shocked. Somewhat. Or, rather, giggling  Makes me think of this, since we are being sacriligeous .



Good one! 

Is this less shocking?  
What do you call a nun who sleepwalks?
A roaming Catholic!


----------



## RevMatt

*groan*


----------



## SINC

Yet another for RevMatt:

Three boys are in the school yard bragging about their fathers. The first boy says, "My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a poem, they give him $50." 

The second boy says, "That's nothing. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a song, they give him $100." 

Little Johnny says, "I got you both beat. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a sermon, and it takes four people to collect all the money!"


----------



## RevMatt

Hehehehehehe. Even my new churches are only big enough to need 2 people to collect the money. I suspect that this one, like the last place, it will somehow mostly be lost between the sanctuary and my office, though


----------



## SINC

And one more:

A group of third, fourth and fifth graders accompanied by two female teachers went on a field trip to the local racetrack to learn about thoroughbred horses and the supporting industry. 

During the tour some of the children wanted to go to the toilet so it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other. 

As the teacher assigned to the boys waited outside the men's toilet, one of the boys came out and told her that he couldn't reach the urinal. Having no choice, the teacher went inside and began hoisting the little boys up by their armpits, one by one. 

As she lifted one up by the armpits, she couldn't help but notice that he was unusually well-endowed for an elementary school child. "I guess you must be in the fifth," she said. 

"No ma'am," he replied, "I'm in the seventh, riding Silver Arrow. Thanks for the lift anyhow."


----------



## SINC

A man and his wife are dining at a table in a plush restaurant, and the husband keeps staring at an old drunken lady swigging her gin as she sits alone at a nearby table, until the wife asks, "Do you know her?"

Yes," sighs the husband, "She's my ex-wife. She took to drinking right after we divorced seven years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since."

"My God!" says the wife, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"


----------



## MissGulch

GENESIS, ACCORDING TO CANADIANS

On the sixth day, God turned to the angel Gabriel and said, "Today I am going to create a land called Canada. It will be a land of outstanding natural beauty. It shall have tall majestic mountains full of mountain goats and eagles, and beautiful sparkly lakes teeming with carp and trout. There shall be forests full of elk and moose, high cliffs overlooking sandy beaches with an abundance of sea life, and rivers stocked with salmon."

God continued, "I shall make the land rich in oil so that the inhabitants prosper, and I shall call these inhabitants Canadians. They shall be known as the most friendly people on the earth."

"But Lord," asked Gabriel, "don't you think you are being too generous to these Canadians?"

"Not really," God replied. "Just wait and see the neighbors I am going to give them."


----------



## SINC

:lmao: :clap: 

That's a real knee slapper MissGulch!

And by the way, you are a fine neighbour, or is that neighbor to you?


----------



## MissGulch

SINC said:


> And by the way, you are a fine neighbour, or is that neighbor to you?


I am your fine neighbour. I will do an extra U for you, Sinc.


----------



## SINC

MissGulch said:


> I am your fine neighbour. I will do an extra U for you, Sinc.


I love your country and its people MissGulch. Been a visitor many times.


----------



## MissGulch

SINC said:


> I love your country and its people MissGulch. Been a visitor many times.


Americans love you guys, too, Sinc. Including, and especially, your beer.


----------



## Dr.G.

Miss G., a friend of mine in Georgia sent this to me just before the last election. I sent him my offer of our spare bedroom just after the election.


----------



## SINC

MissGulch said:


> Americans love you guys, too, Sinc. Including, and especially, your beer.


Shhhhh, don't tell anyone, but I always take LOTS of beer with me when I visit. After all, that's what friends are for, non?


----------



## MissGulch

SINC said:


> Shhhhh, don't tell anyone, but I always take LOTS of beer with me when I visit. After all, that's what friends are for, non?


Oui, eh?


----------



## rgray

........ since sacreligious seems to be OK:

What would Jesus drive?
and
jesusdressup.com


----------



## winwintoo

> A man was flying from Seattle to San Francisco. The plane
> had a layover in Sacramento. The flight attendant explained
> that there would be a delay, and if the passengers wanted
> to get off the aircraft, the plane would re-board in one hour.
> 
> Everybody got off the plane except one gentleman who was
> blind.
> 
> Another man had noticed him as he walked by and could tell
> the gentleman was blind because his Seeing Eye dog lay
> quietly underneath the seats in front of him throughout the
> entire flight. He could also tell he had flown this very flight
> before because the pilot approached him, and calling him
> by name, said, "Keith, we're in Sacramento for an hour,
> would you like to get off and stretch your legs? "
> 
> The blind man replied, "No thanks, but maybe my dog would
> like to stretch his legs."
> 
> Picture this:
> All the people in the gate area came to a complete
> standstill when they looked up and saw the pilot walk off
> the plane with a Seeing Eye dog! The pilot was even wearing
> sunglasses. People scattered. They not only tried to change
> planes, but they were trying to change airlines!
> 
> True story....Have a great day and remember... Things aren't
> always as they appear.


Don't know if it's true, but it makes a good story   

Margaret


----------



## SINC

The teacher asked little Johnny if he knows his numbers.

"Yes," he said. "I do. My father taught me." "Good. What comes after three." "Four," answers the boy.

"What comes after six?" "Seven."

"Very good," says the teacher. "Your dad did a good job. What comes after ten?"

"A Jack."


----------



## SINC

Mick's wife was in bed with her husband's best friend Peter when suddenly the phone rang. She hopped out of bed and returned to the sweaty sheets after a brief conversation.

"Who was it? The buddy asked.

"Oh, that was Mick." She replied calmly.

"Oh, I'd better be going then!" he said. "Did he say where he was?"

"Relax he said he's down at the pub, playing a few games of pool with you."


----------



## RevMatt

Hehehe. Nice one!


----------



## SINC

Here's another just for you RevMatt:

Do you know what would have happened if it had been Three Wise Women instead of Three Wise Men?

They would have asked directions,

arrived on time,

helped deliver the baby,

cleaned the stable,

made a casserole, and,

brought practical gifts.


----------



## SINC

A guy walks into a shoe store and asks for a pair of size eight shoes. The salesman says, "But, sir, I've been doing this for years, and I can see you're at least a size 11."

The guy says, "Just bring me a size eight shoe."

The salesman brings them, the guy stuffs his feet into them, ties them tight, and stands up, obviously in pain.

He says to the salesman, "I lost my business and my house, I live with my mother-in-law, my wife is having an affair with my best friend, and my daughter is pregnant. The only pleasure I have in life is taking off these darn shoes.


----------



## Bosco

I work with 3 Newfies and they told me this one last night

How do you know if a Newfie's gay?

He Eyez the Byez.


----------



## RevMatt

One of Socrates' pupils comes to him, very excited. "Socrates, Socrates, I must tell you something!"
"Calm down. Before you tell me, I want you to apply the triple filter test."
"What's that?"
"Well, first of all, do you know that what you're going to tell me is true?"
"Well...um...no."
"OK. Is what you're going to tell me good?"
"Uh...no."
"So you're going to tell me something bad that you aren't sure is true. Mhm. Final filter, is it beneficial?"
"Not really, no..."
"I think it's best if you don't tell me, if it's neither certainly true, nor good, nor beneficial."
And that's how Socrates gained a reputation as a great philosopher and thinker.
It's also why he never found out that Plato was shagging his wife.


----------



## HowEver

Hey, RevMatt, there's something you should know about Socrates...


----------



## MLeh

Matt: I know the source of that joke.


----------



## SINC

And speaking of RevMatt, here is another just for him:

A one dollar bill met a 20 dollar bill and said, "Hey, where've you been? I haven't seen you around here much."

The twenty answered, "I've been hanging out at the casinos, went on a cruise and did the rounds of the ship, back to the United States for awhile, went to a couple of baseball games, to the mall, that kind of stuff. How about you?"

The one dollar bill said, "You know, same old stuff, church, church, church."


----------



## RevMatt

SINC, that's why more coins are an awesome thing. People are embarrassed when their offering clinks. I'm pulling for a $5 and $10 coin asap


----------



## mr.steevo

HowEver said:


> Hey, RevMatt, there's something you should know about Socrates...


He he.

s.


----------



## RevMatt

HowEver said:


> Hey, RevMatt, there's something you should know about Socrates...


It's a joke. Reality is optional 

And yes, you do, Elaine.


----------



## MACSPECTRUM

A joke only a fisherman would love.

The day after his wife disappeared while sea kayaking, a
Charlottetown,P.E.I. man answered his door to find two grim-faced
RCMP officers.

We're sorry Mr. Wilkens, but we have some information about your
wife,"said one officer.

Tell me! Did you find her?" Wilkens shouted.
The Mounties looked at each other. One said, "We have some bad
news, some good news, and some really great news. Which do you
want to hear first?"

Fearing the worst, an ashen Mr. Wilkens said, "Give me the bad
news first."

The officer said, "I'm sorry to tell you, sir, but this morning
we found your wife's body on the bottom of the Charlottetown
Harbour."

Oh no" exclaimed Wilkens. Swallowing hard, he asked, "What's the
good news?"

The officer continued. "When we pulled her up she had two
25-pound lobsters and six good size scallops on her."
Stunned, Mr. Wilkens demanded, "If that's the good news, what's
the great news?"

The officer said, "We're going to pull her up again tomorrow."


----------



## SINC

A little boy was overheard talking to himself as he strutted through the backyard, wearing his baseball cap and toting a ball and bat. "I'm the greatest hitter in the world," he announced. 

Then, he tossed the ball into the air, swung at it, and missed. 

"Strike One!" he yelled. Undaunted, he picked up the ball and said again, "I'm the greatest hitter in the world!" He tossed the ball into the air. 

When it came down he swung again and missed. "Strike Two!" he cried. 

The boy then paused a moment to examine his bat and ball carefully. He spit on his hands and rubbed them together. 

He straightened his cap and said once more, "I'm the greatest hitter in the world!" Again he tossed the ball up in the air and swung at it. He missed. "Strike Three!" 

"Wow!" he exclaimed. "I'm the greatest PITCHER in the world!"


----------



## The Doug




----------



## Dr.G.

A picture is worth a thousand words, Doug. One wonders about people like this if they are serious.

Note: I am not trying to make fun of people with true mental illnesses.


----------



## SINC

One day, Mr. Phillard rushed his pregnant wife over to the hospital. As the doctors were prepping his wife, Mr. Phillard's brother Bill arrived to watch the birth. But when Mr. Phillard saw the blood and everything else, he fainted. When Mr. Phillard woke up he was in a bed with the doctor standing above him. 

"Mr. Phillard," the doctor said, "you are in the recovery room. Don't worry, your wife is fine and she had twins, a boy and a girl. Because you were unconscious and your wife was still under anaesthesia, she requested that your brother Bill name the kids." 

"What! My brother, is an idiot! I can't believe you let him! What did he name them?" 

"He named your daughter Denise." 

"Hey, not bad! I underestimated my brother. What did he name my son?" 

"Denephew."


----------



## MissGulch

*A big one for RevMatt*

Forgive me father, for I have stolen this from another board:


They're Back! Church Bulletins: Thank God for church ladies with typewriters. These sentences actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced in church services:

The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.
***************************************************************
The sermon this morning: "Jesus Walks on the Water." The sermon tonight: "Searching for Jesus." 
****************************************************************
Our youth basketball team is back in action Wednesday at 8 PM in the recreation hall. Come out and watch us kill Christ the King. 
****************************************************************
Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Don't forget your husbands. 
****************************************************************
The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been canceled due to a conflict. 
****************************************************************
Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help. 
*****************************************************************
Miss Charlene Mason sang "I will not pass this way again," giving obvious pleasure to the congregation. 
******************************************************************
For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs. 
******************************************************************
Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get. 
*******************************************************************
Barbara remains in the hospital and needs blood donors for more transfusions. She is also having trouble sleeping and requests tapes of Pastor Jack's sermons. 
********************************************************************
Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days. 
********************************************************************
At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What Is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice. 
*********************************************************************
Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
**********************************************************************
Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
**********************************************************************
Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.
**********************************************************************
The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
**********************************************************************
This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
*********************************************************************** 
Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B. S. is done.
*********************************************************************** 
The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.
*********************************************************************** 
Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.
*********************************************************************** 
The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
************************************************************************ 
Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.
************************************************************************ 
And last but not least: The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday: "I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours --


----------



## RevMatt

MissGulch said:


> And last but not least: The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday: "I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours --


Good stuff. Many are new to me. This one, however, is particularly amusing, because I know for a fact that it is true. That was, very, very briefly (although long enough to spend a fair chunk of money on printing resources) an actual slogan in my own denomination in the 80's some time. If you know where to look, you can even find some of the buttons and t-shirts that witty people at the time managed to scoop up before they were hastily yanked.


----------



## RevMatt




----------



## Dr.G.

Not quite the Illinois slogan "Land of Lincoln".


----------



## MissGulch

Dr.G. said:


> Not quite the Illinois slogan "Land of Lincoln".


Damn straight, and very sad for CT. NY state is the proud birthplace of both Presidents Roosevelt. :clap: 

It has been said that U.S. president Chester Arthur was born in Canada, because at the time of his birth in North Fairfield, Vermont, the border was not so strictly drawn. 

http://www.coolquiz.com/trivia/canada/president.asp


----------



## Dr.G.

A unique bit of triva re Chester A. Arthur being a Canadian.


----------



## MissGulch

It's not proven, but the rumors will never die. I fully support changing the constitution to allow foreign-born citizens to become president. Run, run Pammy Anderson!


----------



## Dr.G.

MissG., the "foreign born" president, under the present circumstances in the US, shall not happen in my lifetime. I am hoping that the next US president is not even more of an interventionist than Bush. We shall see.


----------



## SINC

On their first date, Joe took Rose to the carnival. When he asked her what she wanted to do first, Rose replied, "Get weighed."

So Joe took her to the man with the scale who guesses people's weight. He looked at Rose and said, "One hundred and twenty pounds." Since Rose weighed in at one seventeen, she collected a prize.

Next they went on the roller coaster. When the ride was finished, Joe asked Rose what she wanted to do next. "Get weighed," she said. So they went back to the man with the scale, who of course guessed Rose's weight correctly.

Leaving without a prize, they went for a ride on the merry-go-round. After they got off, Joe asked Rose what she wanted to do next. "I want to get weighed!" she said again.

Joe began to think this girl was quite strange, and decided to end the evening quickly. He left her at the door with a quick handshake.

Rose's roommate was waiting up for her to return and asked how the evening went.

"Wousy!" Rose replied.


----------



## The Doug

*Erin Go Bragh!*

To mark St. Patrick's Day, I thought I would post my favourite recipe. Enjoy.

*AUTHENTIC IRISH STEW*

*Ingredients*
_- 1lb stewing beef
- 2 large onions
- 4 large potatoes
- 4 pints Guinness_

*Directions*
_Dice onions and put aside. Peel potatoes and cut into 1" cubes. Drink Guinness. Aw, you know what? FORGET THE STEW!_


----------



## SINC

So, it's Irish ya want, eh?

Q: Why do people wear shamrocks on St. Patrick's Day? 
A: Regular rocks are too heavy. 
Q: Why can't you borrow money from a leprechaun? 
A: Because they're always a little short. 

Q: Why do leprechauns have pots o'gold? 
A: They like to "go" first class! 

Q: How can you tell if an Irishman is having a good time? 
A: He's Dublin over with laughter! 

Q: What's Irish and stays out all night? 
A: Patty O'furniture! 

Q: How did the Irish Jig get started? 
A: Too much to drink and not enough restrooms! 

Q: What do you call an Irishman who knows how to control his wife?
A: A bachelor.

Q: What would you get if you crossed Christmas with St. Patrick's Day? 
A:St. O'Claus!

Q: Are people jealous of the Irish? 
A:Sure, they're green with envy!

Q: What would you get if you crossed Quasimodo with an Irish football player? 
A:The Halfback of Notre Dame!

Q: Why did the leprechaun stand on the potato? 
A:To keep from falling in the stew!

Q: Do leprechauns make good secretaries? 
A:Sure, they're great at shorthand!

Q: How did the leprechaun beat the Irishman to the pot of gold? 
A:He took a shortcut!

Q: What do leprechauns love to barbecue? 
A:Short ribs!

Q: Why are leprechauns so hard to get along with? 
A:Because they're very short-tempered!

"I married an Irishman on St. Patrick's Day."
"Oh, really?" 
"No, O'Reilly!"

Knock, knock! 
Who's there? 
Don. 
Don who? 
Don be puttin' down the Irish now!


----------



## rgray

*Letter to dad*

A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see that his bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then he saw an envelope propped up prominently on the pillow that was addressed to "Dad". With the worst premonition he opened the envelope with trembling hands and read the letter.


Dear Dad,



It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with mom and you. I have been finding real passion with Stacy and she is so nice, but I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercings, tattoos, tight motorcycle clothes and the fact that she is much older than I am.

It's not only the passion dad, she's pregnant. Stacy said that we will be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children. Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone.

We'll be growing it for ourselves and trading it with the other people that live nearby for cocaine and ecstasy. In the meantime we will pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so Stacy can get better. She deserves it.

Don't worry Dad. I'm 15 and I know how to take care of myself. Someday I'm sure that we will be back to visit so that you can get to know your grandchildren.

Love,

Your Son John

PS. Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Tommy's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the report card that's in my center desk drawer. I love you. Call me when it's safe to come home.


----------



## ram55

A store that sells husbands has just opened in New York City, where a woman
may go to choose a husband.

Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store
operates. You may visit the store ONLY ONCE!

There are six floors and the attributes of the men increase as the shopper
ascends the flights. There is, however, a catch . . .. you may choose any
man from a particular floor, or you may choose to go up a floor, but you
cannot go back down except to exit the building!

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband.

On the first floor the sign on the door reads:

Floor 1 - These men have jobs and love the Lord.

The second floor sign reads:

Floor 2 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, and love kids.

The third floor sign reads:

Floor 3 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids, and are extremely
good looking.

ow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

She goes to the fourth floor and sign reads:

Floor 4 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids, are drop-dead good
looking and help with the housework.

"Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!"
Still, she goes to the fifth floor and sign reads:

Floor 5 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids, are drop-dead
gorgeous, help with the housework, and have a strong romantic streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor and the sign
reads:

Floor 6 - You are visitor 4,363,012 to this floor. There are no men on this
floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to
please.

Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store. Watch your step as you exit
the building, and have a nice day!


----------



## The Doug




----------



## Dr.G.

Good one, Ram55. I sent in on to my wife..........................she was not amused.


----------



## Dr.G.

Doug, you laugh, but such a keyboard is a possibility someday. We shall see.


----------



## SINC

At one point during a game, the coach said to one of his young players, "Do you understand what cooperation is? What a team is?"

The little boy nodded in the affirmative.

"Do you understand that what matters is whether we win together as a team?"

The little boy nodded yes.

"So," the coach continued, "when a strike is called, or you're out at first, you don't argue or curse or attack the umpire. Do you understand all that?"

Again the little boy nodded.

"Good," said the coach.

"Now go over there and explain it to your mother."


----------



## The Doug

A man dropped his car off at an auto repair shop, complaining to the service manager about a clunking noise whenever he went around corners.

The manager sent the auto mechanic a repair order that said to check for a clunking noise when going around corners.

The mechanic took the car out for a test drive and made a right turn, then a left turn, each time hearing a loud clunk.

Back at the shop, he returned the car to the service manager with a note that read: "Removed bowling ball from trunk."


----------



## Snapple Quaffer

Nice one, The Doug.

Just found an old email from a pal containing similar situations. These are, supposedly, maintenance requests from airline pilots (P) and the solutions from the maintenace crew (S):

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.


P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.


P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.


P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.


P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.


P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.


P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.


P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're for.


P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.


P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.


P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.


P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.


P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.


P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.


P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.

Oldies, no doubt, but worth a laugh.


----------



## RevMatt

Yup, oldies. But yup, still worth a giggle


----------



## Snapple Quaffer

Bellringer, unwittingly in a slight state of undress, got todger caught in the bell rope.

The minister told him off.

(I know … best said out loud.)


----------



## SINC

One day while jogging, a middle-aged man noticed a tennis ball lying by the side of the walk. 

Being fairly new and in good condition, he picked the ball up, put it in his pocket and proceeded on his way. 

Waiting at the next street for the light to change, he noticed a beautiful blond standing next to him smiling. 

"What do you have in your pocket?", she asked.

"Tennis ball", the man said smiling back.

"Wow," said the blond looking upset. "That must hurt. I once had tennis elbow and the pain was unbearable!"


----------



## SINC




----------



## DP004

Hahahahaha..
Sorry
LOLOLOLOLOL

It's a pleasure to read you here, as usual.


----------



## MACSPECTRUM

A contestant on "Who Wants to be a Millionaire?" had reached the final
plateau. If she answered the next question correctly, she would win
$1,000,000. If she answered incorrectly, she would pocket only the
$32,000 milestone money.


And as she suspected it would be, the million-dollar question was no
pushover. It was, "Which of the following species of birds does not
build its own nest, but instead lays its eggs in the nests of other
birds?
Is it A) the condor; B) the buzzard; C) the cuckoo;
or
(D) the vulture?"


The woman was on the spot. She did not know the answer. And she was
doubly on the spot because she had used up her 50/50 Lifeline and her
Audience Poll Lifeline. All that remained was her Phone-a-Friend
Lifeline. The woman hoped she would not have to use it because ... her
friend was, well ....blonde.


She had no alternative. She called her friend and gave her the question
and the four choices. The blonde responded hesitatingly: "That's easy.
The answer is C: The cuckoo."


The contestant had to make a decision and make it fast. She considered
employing a reverse strategy and giving Regis any answer except the one
that her friend had given her. And considering that her friend was a
blonde, that would seem to be the logical thing to do.


On the other hand - the blonde had responded with such confidence, such
certitude, that the contestant could not help but be persuaded.


"I need an answer," said Regis.


Crossing her fingers, the contestant said, "C: The cuckoo."


"Is that your final answer?" asked Regis.


"Yes, that is my final answer."


Two minutes later, Regis said, "That answer is .... absolutely
correct!!

You are now a millionaire!"

Three days later, the contestant hosted a party for her family and
friends including the blonde who had helped her win the million
dollars.

"Jenny, I just do not know how to thank you," said the contestant.
"How
did you happen to know the right answer?"

"Oh, come on," said the blonde. "Everybody knows that cuckoos don't
build nests. They live in clocks."


----------



## iNeedhelp

Hey everyone, don't really have any joke, but I saw these quotes in a Mac forum, and I felt like sharing em.

"If you're using Macintosh clap your hands. CLAP CLAP. If you're using Windows switch to Mac. MAC MAC"

And the other one which I thought was pretty funny:

"Some people say that if you play a Microsoft disc backwards it plays satanic noises. Thats nothing! If you play it forwards, it installs Windows!"


----------



## RevMatt

iNeedhelp said:


> "Some people say that if you play a Microsoft disc backwards it plays satanic noises. Thats nothing! If you play it forwards, it installs Windows!"


*yoink*

/me steals himself a new sig


----------



## simon

Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.


----------



## simon

One day, Harry came upon a big, long ladder that stretched into the clouds. He walked this way every day and this ladder was never there before. Curious and brave, he began to climb. Eventually, he climbed into the layer of clouds, and saw this rather large, homely woman lying here on a cloud.

She spoke, "Take me now or climb the ladder to success!" Harry figured success had to be better than this, so he continued climbing. He came upon another level of clouds, and found a thinner, cuter woman than before.

She also spoke, "Take me now or climb the ladder to success!" Harry saw that his luck was changing and so continued his climb. On another level of clouds, he found a rather attractive woman with not so bad of a figure.

She stated, "Take me now or climb the ladder to success!" Harry really liked his advantage now! He climbed quickly and deftly, and sure enough, on the next level, he found a gorgeous, lithe, well-endowed woman lying seductively on the cloud.

"Take me now or climb the ladder to success," she huskily whispered. Harry couldnt believe his eyes, but his greed got the best of him. He climbed to the next level, expecting Aphrodite or similar. Suddenly, the ladder ends, and a latch closes behind him. He looks over to see a 400-pound, 68" hairy biker-looking guy with tattoos. The biker gets up and walks menacingly toward Harry.

Apprehensively, Harry whispers, "Who are you?" The biker answers, "Im Cess."


----------



## RevMatt

Brillant!


----------



## Snapple Quaffer

Where are hairs darkest and curliest on a woman?

(Come on now, think!)


----------



## SINC

Snapple Quaffer said:


> Where are hairs darkest and curliest on a woman?
> 
> (Come on now, think!)


Um, er, ah, eyelashes?


----------



## Snapple Quaffer

Doh!

East Africa of course!


----------



## SINC

Two guys were walking through the jungle. All of a sudden, a tiger appeared from a distance, running toward them. One of the guys took out a pair of Nikes from his bag and started to put them on. The other guy, with a surprised look on his face, exclaimed, "Do you think you will run faster than the tiger with those?" 

His friend replied, "I don't have to outrun it, I just have to run faster than you."


----------



## Dr.G.

Good one, Sinc. An oldie but a goodie.


----------



## SINC

When a car skidded on wet pavement and struck a telephone pole, several bystanders ran over to help the driver. A woman was the first to reach the victim, but a man rushed in and pushed her aside. "Step aside, lady," he barked. "I've taken a course in first-aid!"

"OK," she said. "But when you get to the part about calling a doctor, I'm right here."


----------



## ram55

A man and his wife were working in their garden one day and the man looks
over at his wife and says:

"Your butt is getting really big, I mean really big. I bet your butt is
bigger than the barbecue."

With that he proceeded to get a measuring tape and measure the grill and
then went over to where his wife's bottom was.
"Yes, I was right! Your butt is two inches wider than the barbecue!!!"

The woman chose to ignore her husband.
Later that night in bed, the husband is feeling a little frisky. He makes
some advances toward his wife who completely brushes him off.

"What's wrong?" he asked.

She answers: "Do you really think I'm going to fire up this big-ass grill
for one little weenie?"


----------



## SINC

A dad walks into a market with his young son. The kid is holding a loonie. Suddenly, the boy starts choking, going blue in the face. The dad realizes the boy has swallowed the coin and starts panicking, shouting for help. A well dressed, attractive, but serious looking woman in a blue business suit is sitting at a coffee bar in the market reading her newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee.

At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down on the saucer, neatly folds the newspaper and places it on the counter, gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the market. Reaching the boy, the woman carefully takes hold of the boy's testicles and starts to squeeze, gently at first and then ever more firmly. After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the coin, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand.

Releasing the boy, the woman hands the coin to the father and walks back to her seat in the coffee bar without saying a word.

As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no lasting ill effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying, "I've never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are you a doctor?

"No," the woman replies, "I work for Revenue Canada".


----------



## SINC

One day while he was at the track betting on the ponies and nearly losing his shirt, Mitch noticed a priest step out onto the track and bless the forehead of one of the horses lining up for the 4th race. That horse, a very long shot, won the race. 

Mitch was most interested to see what the priest did the next race. Sure enough, the priest stepped out and placed a blessing on the forehead of one of the horses. Mitch made a beeline for the window, and placed a small bet on the horse. Again the horse the priest had blessed won the race.

Mitch collected his winnings, and waited to see which horse the priest would bless for the 6th race. The priest showed, blessed a horse, Mitch bet on it, and it won!

As the day went on, the priest continued blessing horses, and they always won. Mitch knew his wildest dreams were going to come true. He made a quick stop at the ATM, withdrew his savings, and awaited the priest's blessing that would tell him which horse to bet on. 

The priest stepped out onto the track before the last race and blessed the forehead, eyes, ears, and hooves of one of the horses. Mitch bet every cent, and watched the horse come in dead last. He made his way to the track, and when he found the priest, he demanded, "Father, all day long you blessed horses and they won. The last race, you blessed a horse and he lost. Now, thanks to you, I've lost all my savings!!" 

The priest nodded wisely and said: "That's the problem with you Protestants. You can't tell the difference between a simple blessing and the Last Rites!"


----------



## Ena

A Blonde enters a store that sells curtains. She tells the salesman, "I would like to buy a pair of pink curtains." The salesman assures her that they have a large selection of pink curtains. He shows her several patterns, but the blond seems to be having a hard time choosing. Finally, she selects a lovely pink floral print. The salesman then asks what size curtains she needs. The blond promptly replies, "fifteen inches." "Fifteen inches???" asked the salesman. "That sounds very small, what room are they for?" The blond tells him that they aren't for a room, they are for her computer monitor. The surprised salesman replies, "But Miss, computers do not need curtains!" The blond says,...

"Hellllooooooooo. I've got Windoooooows!"


----------



## iNeedhelp

I have a joke about my cousin's toenails, but it's a little long.


----------



## MissGulch

iNeedhelp said:


> I have a joke about my cousin's toenails, but it's a little long.


Give us the joke, eh? Do you need help?


----------



## Trose

MissGulch said:


> Give us the joke, eh? Do you need help?


I think that was the joke... at least, I laughed.


----------



## MissGulch

Trose said:


> I think that was the joke... at least, I laughed.


It went right past me. She who laughs last....


----------



## Snapple Quaffer

One night a beautiful female rushed into a crypt, her lovely face all covered in blood and flung herself into her coffin and slammed down the lid with a snarl of rage. 

All the other vampires smelt the blood and began hassling her about where she'd got it. She told them to **** off and let her get some sleep, but they persisted until she finally gave in. "OK, follow me," she said, and spreading out her cloak, flew out of the crypt with the others behind her. 
Down through a valley they swept, across a river and into a huge city. Finally she slowed down and the other vampires milled excitedly around her, their tongues hanging out for blood. 

"Do you see that massive, great lamppost over there?" she asked. 

"YES, YES,YES!!!!" the bloodsuckers all screamed in a feeding frenzy. 

"Good!" said the first vampire, "Because I ****ing-well didn't!"


----------



## MACSPECTRUM

*Women are from Venus.... (warning; strong language)*

This is a prime example of "Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus"
offered by an English professor from the University of Phoenix:

The professor told his class one day: "Today we will experiment with
a new form called the tandem story. The process is simple. Each person will
pair off with the person sitting to his or her immediate right. As homework
tonight, one of you will write the first paragraph of a short story.
You will e-mail your partner that paragraph and send another copy to me. The
partner will read the first paragraph and then add another paragraph to the
story and send it back, also sending another copy to me. The first person
will then add a third paragraph, and so on back-and-forth.


Remember to re-read what has been written each time in order to keep
the story coherent. There is to be absolutely NO talking outside of the
e-mails and anything you wish to say must be written in the e-mail. The
story is over when both agree a conclusion has been reached."

The following was actually turned in by two of his English students:

Rebecca and Gary.

THE STORY:

(first paragraph by Rebecca )
At first, Laurie couldn't decide which kind of tea she wanted. The
chamomile, which used to be her favorite for lazy evenings at home, now
reminded her too much of Carl, who once said, in happier times, that he
liked chamomile. But she felt she must now, at all costs, keep her mind off
Carl. His possessiveness was suffocating and if she thought about him
too much, her asthma started acting up again. So chamomile was out
of the question.


(second paragraph by Gary )
Meanwhile, Advance Sergeant Carl Harris, leader of the attack
squadron now in orbit over Skylon 4, had more important things to think
about than the neuroses of an air-headed asthmatic bimbo named Laurie with
whom he had spent one sweaty night over a year ago. " A.S. Harris to
Geostation 17," he said into his transgalactic communicator. "Polar orbit
established. No sign of resistance so far..." But before he could sign off a
bluish particle beam flashed out of nowhere and blasted a hole through his
ship's cargo bay. The jolt from the direct hit sent him flying out of his
seat and across the cockpit.

(Rebecca)
He bumped his head and died almost immediately, but not before he
felt one last pang of regret for psychically brutalizing the one woman who
had ever had feelings for him. Soon afterwards, Earth stopped its pointless
hostilities towards the peaceful farmers of Skylon 4. "Congress Passes Law Permanently Abolishing War and Space Travel," Laurie read in her
newspaper one morning. The news simultaneously excited her and bored her.
She stared out the window, dreaming of her youth, when the days had passed
unhurriedly and carefree, with no newspaper to read, no television to distract
her from her sense of innocent wonder at all the beautiful things around
her."Whymust one lose one's innocence to become a woman?" she pondered
wistfully.

(Gary )
Little did she know, but she had less than 10 seconds to live.
Thousands of miles above the city, the Anu'udrian mothership
launched the first of its lithium fusion missiles. The dimwitted, wimpy
peaceniks who pushed the Unilateral Aerospace disarmament Treaty through the
Congress had left Earth a defenseless target for the hostile alien empires who were determined to destroy the human race. Within two hours after the passage of the treaty,the Anu'udrian ships were on course for Earth, carrying enough
firepower to pulverize the entire planet. With no one to stop them, they
swiftly initiated their diabolical plan. The lithium fusion missile entered
the atmosphere unimpeded. The President, in his top-secret mobile submarine
headquarters on the ocean floor off the coast of Guam, felt the
inconceivably massive explosion, which vaporized poor, stupid Laurie.

(Rebecca)
This is absurd. I refuse to continue this mockery of literature. My
writing partner is a violent, chauvinistic, semiliterate adolescent.

(Gary )
Yeah? Well, my writing partner is a self-centered tedious neurotic
whose attempts at writing are the literary equivalent of Valium. "Oh, shall
I have chamomile tea? Or shall I have some other sort of F--KING TEA???
Oh no, what am I to do? I'm such an air-headed bimbo who reads too
many Danielle Steele novels!"

(Rebecca)
Asshole.

(Gary )
Bitch

(Rebecca)
F__K YOU - YOU NEANDERTHAL!

(Gary )
Go drink some tea - whore.

(TEACHER)
A+ - I really liked this one.


----------



## MLeh

I got caught up in the technicality of 'Each person will pair off with the person sitting to his or her immediate right.' That means that no one paired up with the person to their left, and therefore it is a circular reference that cannot be resolved. BAD JOKE!

(Sorry ... random pedantics. I'll go back to working on some prime numbers & cube roots ... )


----------



## MissGulch

*Another one for our naughty vicar RevMatt*

SIPPING VODKA
A new priest at his first Mass was so nervous he
could hardly speak.

After Mass he asked the monsignor how he had done.

The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about
getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka
next to the water glass. If I start toget nervous, I
take a sip."

So next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice.

At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and
took a drink.

He proceeded to talk up a storm.

Upon his return to his office after the Mass, he
found the following note on the door:

1) Sip the vodka, don't gulp.

2) There are 10 commandments, not 12.

3)There are 12 disciples, not 10.

4)Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.

5)Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.

6)We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.

7)The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to
as Daddy, Junior and the Spook.

8)David slew Goliath, he did not kick the **** out of
him.

9)When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off
his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass.

10)We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T."

11)When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper he
said, "take this and eat it for it is my body." He did
not say " Eat me."

12)The Virgin Mary is not called " Mary with the
Cherry"

13)The recommended grace before a meal is not:
Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, Yeah God.

14)Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest
at St. Peter's not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.


----------



## iNeedhelp

"I couldn't make it to the funeral, but I sent a letter saying I approved."
- Mark Twain


----------



## SINC

*Another tale for RevMatt!*

A minister dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates. Ahead of him is a guy who's dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket, and jeans. 

Saint Peter addresses this guy, "Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven?" 

The guy replies, "I'm Joe Smith, taxi-driver." 

Saint Peter consults his list. He smiles and says to the taxi-driver, "Take this silken robe and golden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven." 

The taxi-driver goes into Heaven with his robe and staff, and it's the minister's turn. He stands erect and booms out, "I am Joseph Snow, pastor of Saint Mary's for the last forty-three years." 

Saint Peter consults his list. He says to the minister, "Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven." 

"Just a minute," says the minister. "That man was a taxi-driver and he gets a silken robe and golden staff. How can this be?" 

"Up here, we work by results," says Saint Peter. "While you preached, people slept; while he drove, people prayed."


----------



## Bosco

Please join me in remembering a great icon of the entertainment community.

The Pillsbury Doughboy died yesterday of a yeast infection and trauma complications from repeated pokes in the belly. He was 71.

Doughboy was buried in a lightly greased coffin. Dozens of celebrities turned out to pay their respects, including Mrs. Butterworth, Hungry Jack, the California Raisins, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies, and Captain Crunch. The grave site was piled high with flours.

Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy and lovingly described Doughboy as a man who never knew how much he was kneaded. Doughboy rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with turnovers. He was not considered a very smart cookie, wasting much of his dough on half-baked schemes. Despite being a little flaky at times he still was a crusty old man and was considered a positive roll model for millions.

Doughboy is survived by his wife Play Dough, two children, John Dough and Jane Dough, plus they had one in the oven. He is also survived by his elderly father, Pop Tart.

The funeral was held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes.


----------



## Dr.G.

VERY clever, Bosco. FYI, I LOVED Bosco, the chocolate syrup for milk, when I was a kid.


----------



## Bosco

I just read them, someone else wrote it. 

Here's a joke. This is my fav thread here and it was getting buried.

An Irishman walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of Guinness and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each 
one in turn. When he finished all three, he comes back to the bar and orders three more. The bartender says to him, 'You know, a 
pint goes flat after I draw it; it would taste better if you bought one at a time.' The Irishman replies, 'Well, you see, I have two 
brothers. One is in America, the other in Australia, and I'm here in Dublin. When we all left home, we promised that we'd drink this 
way to remember the days we all drank together. 'The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there. The Irishman 
becomes a regular in the bar and always drinks the same way: he orders three pints and drinks the three pints by taking drinks 
from each of them in turn. One day, he comes in and orders two pints. All the other regulars in the bar notice and fall silent. When 
he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, 'I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my 
condolences on your great loss.' The Irishman looks confused for a moment, then a lights dawns in his eye and he laughs. 'Oh, no, ' 
he says, 'Everyone is fine. I've just quit drinking!


----------



## The Doug




----------



## MissGulch

Bosco said:


> Please join me in remembering a great icon of the entertainment community.
> 
> The Pillsbury Doughboy died yesterday of a yeast infection and trauma complications from repeated pokes in the belly. He was 71.
> 
> Doughboy was buried in a lightly greased coffin. Dozens of celebrities turned out to pay their respects, including Mrs. Butterworth, Hungry Jack, the California Raisins, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies, and Captain Crunch. The grave site was piled high with flours.
> 
> Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy and lovingly described Doughboy as a man who never knew how much he was kneaded. Doughboy rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with turnovers. He was not considered a very smart cookie, wasting much of his dough on half-baked schemes. Despite being a little flaky at times he still was a crusty old man and was considered a positive roll model for millions.
> 
> Doughboy is survived by his wife Play Dough, two children, John Dough and Jane Dough, plus they had one in the oven. He is also survived by his elderly father, Pop Tart.
> 
> The funeral was held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes.


Thank you, that was a very touching tribute. There's no business like dough business.


----------



## iNeedhelp

"When I die I'm donating my body to science fiction." -Steven Wright


----------



## Dr.G.

A FEW WORDS FROM THE VISIONARY STEVEN WRIGHT:

All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.

The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.

OK, so what's the speed of dark?

How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?


----------



## SINC

A young executive was leaving the office at 6:00 p.m. when he found the Chief Executive Officer standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in hand.

"Listen," said the CEO, "this is important, and my secretary has left. Can you make this thing work?"

"Certainly," said the young executive. He turned the machine on, inserted the paper, and pressed the start button.

"Excellent, excellent!" said the CEO as his paper disappeared inside the machine. "I just need one copy."


----------



## Dr.G.

Good one, Sinc. How to get ahead in business without really trying....or is that how to get fired???


----------



## MaxPower

Father Norton woke up Sunday morning and realizing it was an exceptionally beautiful and sunny early spring day, decided he just had to play golf. So... he told the Associate Pastor that he was feeling sick and persuaded him to say Mass for him that day.
As soon as the Associate Pastor left the room, Father Norton headed out of town to a golf course about forty miles away. This way he knew he wouldn't accidentally meet anyone he knew from his parish. Setting up on the first tee, he was alone. After all, it was Sunday morning and everyone else was in church!

At about this time, Saint Peter leaned over to the Lord while looking down from the heavens and exclaimed, "You're not going to let him get away with this, are you?"

The Lord sighed, and said, "No, I guess not."

Just then Father Norton hit the ball and it shot straight towards the pin, dropping just short of it, rolled up and fell into the hole. It WAS A 420 YARD HOLE IN ONE!

St. Peter was astonished. He looked at the Lord and asked, "Why did you let him do that?"

The Lord smiled and replied, "Who's he going to tell?"


----------



## Dr.G.

MP, I have sent your joke to all my friends who golf.


----------



## iNeedhelp

Q: What did the boobs say to the wonder bra?

A: Thanks for the support!


----------



## Bosco

Oh no, Bra jokes!!


What do you call a bra in Quebec?









Separatits


----------



## simon

Gordie came to work one day, walking with an awful limp. Brad, one of his co-workers, noticed the limp and asked: "Gordie? What happened to you?"
Gordie replied: "Oh it's nothing really. I just have an old hockey injury that acts up every once in a while."

Brad: "Gee Gordie, I never knew you played hockey."

Gordie: "I don't. I once lost a hundred bucks betting on the Maple Leafs and I put my foot through my television."


----------



## simon

A Frenchman, an Italian and an Canadian were discussing love-making. 

"Last night I made love to my wife three times" boasted the Frenchman. 

"She was in sheer ectasy this morning..." 

"Ah, last night I made love to my wife six times," the Italian responded, "and this morning she made me a wonderful omelette and told me she could never love another man." 

When the Canadian remained silent, the Frenchman smugly asked, "And how many times did you make love to your wife last night?" 

"Once." he replied. 

"Only once?" the Italian arrogantly snorted. "And what did she say to you this morning?" 

"Don't stop."


----------



## Dr.G.

"I once lost a hundred bucks betting on the Maple Leafs and I put my foot through my television." Simon, I was in high school in New York City when the Leafs last won the Stanley Cup. I would go to see them destroy the Rangers at Madison Square Garden. They were a grand team to watch back then.


----------



## SINC

Here's one just for the Rev!

Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her eighties. She was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all. One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea.

As he sat facing her old Hammond organ, the young minister noticed a cut-glass bowl sitting on top of it. The bowl was filled with water, and in the water floated, of all things, a condom!* 

When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat.

The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist. 

"Miss Beatrice", he said, "I wonder if you would tell me about this?", pointing to the bowl.

"Oh, yes," she replied, "Isn't it wonderful? I was walking through the park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground.* The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease.* Do you know I haven't had the flu all
winter?"


----------



## Dr.G.

Sinc, your joke has set medical science back 100 years. Groan. (Actually, it is a good joke as to how the English language may be taken literally out of context.) Paix, mon frere.


----------



## simon

One for Dr. G ....


A Newfoundlander moves to Toronto and gets a job cleaning windows in office buildings. 

One Friday afternoon after the scafolding was all put away the Newfie and his Toronto co-worker noticed that they had missed one window on the top floor of the building. 

As it was too much trouble to get the scafolding out again, the Newfie suggested that the guy from Toronto hold on to his suspenders and he would hang over the side of the building to wash the window. This is what they did. 

The Newfie was about half done with the window when he started to laugh uncontrolably. The guy from Toronto asked "What are you laughing at? Here you are hanging off the side of a 20 storey building being hung up by your suspenders, what can be so funny?" 

The Newfie replied, "I was just thinking, if my suspenders were to break now, imagine the smack in the lips you would get!"


----------



## simon

And another ... 


An Atlantic-Canadian goes into a coffee shop and notices there's a "peel and win" sticker on her coffee cup. So she peels it off and starts screaming, "I've won a motor home! I've won a motor home!"

The waitress says, "That's impossible. The biggest prize is a free Lunch."

But the Atlantic-Canadian keeps on screaming, "I've won a motor home! I've won a motor home!"

Finally, the manager comes over and says, "Ma'am, I'm sorry, but you're mistaken. You couldn't have possibly won a motor home because we didn't have that as a prize!"

The Atlantic-Canadian says, "No, it's not a mistake. I've won a motor home!"

She hands the ticket to the manager and HE reads... "W I N A B A G E L"


----------



## simon

One more ....

A couple of Torontonians have just closed down their store on busy Yonge Street and are standing in the middle of their empty shop when one says to the other: "I'll bet you ten bucks that if we wait here a few minutes, some 
Newfie is going to come by, peer through the window, and come in and ask us what we're selling." 

Sure enough, just as he finishes speaking, a Newfie sticks his face up to the window, looks around at the empty shelves and then walks in: "How's she goin, b'y. I was just wonderin' what you fellas was sellin'??" 

One of the Torontians grins at the other and replies: "We're selling idiots, sir." 

To which the Newfie responds: "Well ya must be doin' some good business 'cause dere's only two o' ya left."


----------



## RevMatt

Score one for the newfies 

Don, I had seen that joke before, but not in ages. Painful though it was, I did manage to stop laughing eventually. I shall now forward it to my new organists.


----------



## Dr.G.

Simon, don't bother posting such "jokes" that stereotype Newfoundlanders and Labradorians for my sake, since I find them offensive. They are usually posted by small-minded people to make other small minded people laugh at the false stereotype. Paix.


----------



## SINC

The teacher of the third-grade Sunday School class was planning to take her charges on a "field trip" to the ongoing church service, so they could get an idea of what morning worship looked like.

Before they left their classroom, she thought it would be a good idea to caution them against being boisterous in those surroundings.

Attempting to engage their attention, she asked, "And why do we need to be quiet in church?"

One bright little scholar replied right away, "Because people are sleeping in there."


----------



## simon

Dr.G. said:


> Simon, don't bother posting such "jokes" that stereotype Newfoundlanders and Labradorians for my sake, since I find them offensive. They are usually posted by small-minded people to make other small minded people laugh at the false stereotype. Paix.


well you didn't have to to take that "too seriously" - no offense was intended. I thought they were funny as the Easterner was the "victor" in each joke rather than the victim in the punchline.


----------



## Dr.G.

Simon, no offense might have been intended, but it just goes to further the stereotype. Some people can't understand why I don't like these "Newfie jokes" (a term I hate), in that I was not born here. However, I have lived half of my life here, so I think I have earned the right to be offended. There are no "victors" in such jokes. It would be the same as you wondering why I might be offended, in that I am Jewish, if the punchline of the joke was about how good Jewish people are with money. A stereotype is a stereotype, be it positive or negative. If I accept the stereotype that Jewish people are good with money, I would have to accept the negative stereotypes as well. The same thing with any joke that pokes fun at an identifiable group.

I don't want to sound overly sensitive or rightous, since I assume that you meant no harm. Chalk this one up to my striking a blow against "Newfie jokes" on a warm and rainy St. John's night. Paix, mon ami.


----------



## iNeedhelp

I don't mean to sound nosy or anything, but where are you from, Dr. G.?


----------



## RevMatt

He's gone to bed, so I don't think he'll mind me answering for him. He is from New York City originally.


----------



## iNeedhelp

Cool! Why'd he move to Canada?


----------



## RevMatt

That one, I'll leave for him to answer


----------



## MissGulch

A Texan and his wife were on a trip to New York.

She had just finished showering to dress for dinner and noticed that she had neglected to pack her bras. She asked her husband to go down to the dress shop in the lobby and pick up a couple of 36-C bras.

He said, "Ah'l go down raht now." So he put on his ten gallon hat and went to the shop.

The saleslady said, "May I help you sir?"

When he told her that he wanted two 36-C bras, she asked, "Would you like two Playtex?"

He answered, "Ah'd luv ta little lady but mah wife's a'waitin fur me up in the room."


----------



## MissGulch

RevMatt said:


> He is from New York City originally.


I'm from NY also. You can make fun of us all you like. Here is a bit of NY humour:

You know you're from New York City when...

You pay more each month to park your car than most people in the U.S. pay in rent.
You're suspicious of strangers who are actually nice to you.
You take a taxi to get to your health club to exercise.
You have never been to the Statue of Liberty or the Empire State Building.
You think $7.00 to cross a bridge is a fair price.
Your door has more than three locks.
The most frequently used part of your car is the horn.


----------



## Dr.G.

iNeedHelp, I was born and raised in New York City. I came to Canada as a Landed Immigrant back on July 25th, 1977, to take a teaching position at Memorial University of Newfoudland. I became a Canadian citizen on July 1st, 1997, and I am almost completed with my 29th year teaching here at MUN in St.John's, NL.


----------



## Dr.G.

Miss G., I guess I have been out of NYC for far too long, because none of those things applied to me while I lived in NYC. Of course, growing up, we still had three baseball teams which made life interesting.


----------



## SINC

Two men are approaching each other on a sidewalk. 

Both are dragging their right foot as they walk. 

As they meet, one man looks at the other knowingly, points to his foot and says, Vietnam, 1969." 

The other points his thumb behind him and says, "Dog poop, 20 feet back."


----------



## SINC

A man with a winking problem is applying for a position as a sales representative for a large firm. The interviewer looks over his papers and says, "This is phenomenal. You've graduated from the best schools; your recommendations are wonderful, and your experience is unparalleled. Normally, we'd hire you without a second thought. However, a sales representative has a highly visible position, and we're afraid that your constant winking will scare off potential customers. I'm sorry.... we can't hire you."

"But wait," he said. "If I take two aspirin, I'll stop winking!"

"Really? Great! Show me!"

So the applicant reaches into his jacket pocket and begins pulling out all sorts of condoms: red condoms, blue condoms, ribbed condoms, flavored condoms; finally, at the bottom, he finds a packet of aspirin. He tears it open, swallows the pills, and stops winking.

"Well," said the interviewer,"that's all well and good, but this is a respectable company, and we will not have our employee womanizing all over the country!"

"Womanizing? What do you mean? I'm a happily married man!"

"Well then, how do you explain all these condoms?"

"Oh, that," he sighed. "Have you ever walked into a pharmacy, winking, and asked for aspirin?"


----------



## sammy

Three men wait outside the executive's office, waiting for their interview for a new job. The first gets called in. "Well, your credentials are impressive. Let's see how perceptive you are." States the exec. "When you look at me what do you notice?" 
The prospect looks the exec over, and jolts as he notices the man has no ears. "Why, you have no ears!" 
In a huff the exec dismisses the man after complaining of his lack of tact and respect. 
Man #2 comes in to the office, and at the perception test calmly states that the exec has no ears. The exec rolls his eyes..."Next!"
The third man nervously gets through the interview. Grudgingly the exec asks the man, "When you look at me, what do you notice?"
After barely a second, he states, "You wear contact lenses."
The executive is awestruck. "That's great, I'm glad to see someone around here pays attention to the person they are talking to." 
"Well, I don't see how you could wear glasses, you got no frickin' ears!"


----------



## Lawrence

Top Ten most Polite Ways to Say Your Zipper Is Down....by David Letterman 

10.The cucumber has left the salad.

9. Quasimodo needs to go back in the tower and tend to his bells.

8. You need to bring your tray table to the upright and locked position.

7. Paging Mr. Johnson... Paging Mr. Johnson..

6. Elvis is leaving the building.

5. The Buick is not all the way in the garage.

4. Our next guest is someone who needs no introduction.

3. You've got a security breach at Los Pantalones.

2. Men may be From Mars.....but I can see something that rhymes with Venus.


And the #1way to tell someone his zipper is unzipped.....


1. I always knew you were crazy, but now I can see your nuts.


----------



## MissGulch

*Fork you!*

A Frenchman, an Englishman, and a New Yorker are captured by a fierce tribe. The chief approaches them and says, "The bad news is that now that we've caught you, we're going to kill you and then use your skins to build a canoe. The good news is that you get to choose how you die."

The Frenchman says, "I take ze poison." The chief gives him some poison, the Frenchman says, "Vive la France!" and drinks it down.

The Englishman says, "A pistol for me, please." The chief gives him a pistol, he points it at his head, says, "God save the queen!" and shoots himself.

The New Yorker says, "Gimme a fork." The chief is puzzled, but he shrugs and gives him a fork. The New Yorker takes the fork and starts jabbing himself all over-the stomach, the sides, the chest, everywhere. There's blood gushing out all over, it's horrible.

The chief is appalled, and screams, "What are you doing???"

The New Yorker looks at the chief and laughs, "So much for your canoe!"


----------



## SINC

A 4-year-old boy who was asked to say grace before Sunday dinner. The family members bowed their heads in expectation. He began his prayer, thanking the Lord for all his friends, naming them one by one. Then he thanked the Lord for Mommy, Daddy, brother, sister, Grandma, Grandpa, and all his aunts and uncles.

Then he began to thank the Lord for the food. He gave thanks for the turkey, the dressing, the fruit salad, the cranberry sauce, the pies, the cakes, even the Cool Whip. Then he paused, and everyone waited -- and waited.

After a long silence, the young fellow looked up at his mother and asked, "If I thank the Lord for the broccoli, won't he know that I'm lying?"


----------



## SINC

This one is definitely for RevMatt:

As a young minister, I was asked by a funeral director to hold a graveside service for a homeless man, with no family or friends, who had died while traveling through the area. 

The funeral was to be held at a cemetery way back in the country, and this man would be the first to be laid to rest there. As I was not familiar with the backwoods area, I became lost, and being a typical man, I did not stop for directions. 

I finally arrived an hour late. I saw the crew, eating lunch, but the hearse was nowhere in sight. I apologized to the workers for my tardiness, and stepped to the side of the open grave, where I saw the vault lid already in place.
I assured the workers I would not hold them long but this was the proper thing to do. 

The workers gathered around, still eating their lunch. I poured out my heart and soul. As I preached, the workers began to say "Amen," "Praise the Lord," and "Glory," I preached, and I preached, like I'd never preached before: from Genesis all the way to Revelations. I closed the lengthy service with a prayer and walked to my car. 
I felt I had done my duty for the homeless man and that the crew would leave with a renewed sense of purpose and dedication, in spite of my tardiness.

As I was opening the door and taking off my coat, I overheard one of the workers saying to another, "I ain't never seen anything like this before and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years."


----------



## RevMatt

Oh, come now. They are totally different sized holes!


----------



## Dr.G.

Miss G., leave it to the New Yorker to save the joke. However, a true New Yorker would say "Give my regards to Broadway" as well, with a possible final cheer for the Yankees/Mets/Rangers and/or Knicks.


----------



## MissGulch

Dr.G. said:


> Miss G., leave it to the New Yorker to save the joke. However, a true New Yorker would say "Give my regards to Broadway" as well, with a possible final cheer for the Yankees/Mets/Rangers and/or Knicks.


DrG, I think the guy in this story might say, "Fuhgedaboutdit!"


----------



## Dr.G.

"Fuhgedaboutdit!" That's from New Jersey.


----------



## Ena

Very old joke:

Two girlfriends are chatting away and one asks the other if she smokes after intercourse. 

The other replies that she's never looked.


----------



## The Doug

*Groan Du Jour*

A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack.

"Miss Whack", says the frog, "I'd like to get a $30,000 loan to take a holiday." 

Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's okay, he knows the bank manager.

Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral.

The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.

Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office.

Patty finds the manager and says, "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral."

She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what in the world is this?"

The bank manager looks back at her and says, "It's a knick-knack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."


----------



## Dr.G.

Doug, heard this before, but it is still a good one when read aloud. Merci.


----------



## SINC

In Jerusalem, a journalist heard about a very old Jewish man who had been going to the Wailing Wall to pray, twice a day, everyday, for a long, long time. So, the reporter went to check it out. She went to the Wailing Wall and there was the old man, walking slowly up to the holy site. She watched him pray, and after about 45 minutes, when he turned to leave, using a cane in a very slow fashion, she approached him for an interview. "I'm a reporter, and I'd like to ask how long you've been coming to the Wailing Wall and praying?" "For about 60 years," says the old man. "Sixty years? That's amazing! What do you pray for?" asked the reporter. "I pray for peace between the Christians, Jews and the Muslims. I pray for all the hatred to stop and I pray for all our children to grow up in safety and friendship." "How do you feel after doing this for 60 years?" asked the journalist. "Like I'm talking to a friggin' wall."


----------



## RevMatt

Can't decide whether that one is too sadly true to be funny, Sinc.


----------



## overkill

RevMatt said:


> Can't decide whether that one is too sadly true to be funny, Sinc.


i tend to agree with this as well...  but a good read


----------



## Bosco

That one was hilarious Sinc. I didn't see the punchline coming.


----------



## MissGulch

A sailor sailed into many, many Asian ports, and slept with prostitutes in every one of them. He came down with a severe venerial infection, and went to the navy hospital for diagnosis.

The sailor had so many venerial diseases, a team of physicians had trouble diagnosing and sorting them out. Finally, his penis began to hurt and then wither. 

The doctors gave up and told him they will have to cut his penis off.

The sailor was understandably upset and went to a Chinese doctor. After the examination he asked the doctor, "Do I have to have it cut off, doc?"

The doctor shook his head and said, "Money, money, money. That is all American doctor care about. No, you don't need operation." 

"Really?" the sailor asked, relieved.

The doctor answered, "Wait one week, maybe two. Pecker fall off all by himself."


----------



## overkill

lol - thats a good one


----------



## SINC

"Would you mind telling me, Doctor," Bob asked, "how you detect a deficiency in somebody who appears completely normal?" 

"Nothing is easier," he replied. "You ask him a simple question which everyone should answer with no trouble. If he hesitates, that puts you on the track." 

"What sort of question?" 

"Well, you might ask him, 'Captain Cook made three trips around the world and died during one of them. Which one?' 

Bob thought for a moment, and then said with a nervous laugh, "You wouldn't happen to have another example would you? I must confess I don't know much about history."


----------



## SINC

A little girl and a little boy were at daycare.

The girl approached the boy and said, "Hey, Stevie, wanna play house?"

He said, "Sure! What do you want me to do?" 

The girl replied, "I want you to communicate." 

He said to her, "That word is too big. I have no idea what it means."

The little girl smirked and said, "Perfect. You can be the husband."


----------



## RevMatt

I may have nightmares about that cat.


----------



## MACSPECTRUM

-Dear Abby,
My husband is a liar and a cheat. He has cheated on me from the beginning, and when I confront him, he denies everything. What's worse is everyone knows he cheats on me. It is so humiliating.
Also, since he lost his job five years ago, he hasn t even
looked for a new one. All he does is buy cigars and cruise around and shoot the breeze with his pals, while I have to work to pay the bills.
Since our daughter went away to college, he doesn t even pretend to like me and hints that I am a lesbian. What should I do?
Signed, Clueless


Dear Clueless:
Grow up and dump him. For Pete s sake, you don t need him anymore.
You re a United States senator from New York. Act like it!


----------



## darkscot

Sitting together on a train, travelling through the
Canadian Rockies, were an American guy, a Canadian
guy, a little old Greek lady, and a young blonde
German girl with large breasts.

The Train goes into a dark tunnel and a few seconds
later there is the sound of a loud slap. When the
train emerges from the tunnel, the American has a
bright red hand print on his cheek. No one speaks.

The old Greek lady thinks: The American guy must have groped the
blonde in the dark and she slapped his cheek.

The German girl thinks: That American guy must have
tried to grope me in the dark, but missed and fondled
the old lady and she slapped his cheek.

The American thinks: The Canadian guy must have groped
the blonde in the dark. She tried to slap him but
missed and got me instead.

The Canadian thinks: I can't wait for another tunnel,
just so I can smack the American again.


----------



## RevMatt

Ah, that joke goes by almost every week. And it makes me laugh out loud every time


----------



## SINC

"Hey, Mom," asked Johnny "can you give me twenty dollars?"

"Certainly not."

"If you do," he went on, "I'll tell you what dad said to the maid when you were at the beauty shop."

His mother's ears perked up and, grabbing her purse, she handed over the money. "Well? What did he say?"

"He said, 'Hey, Marie, make sure you wash my socks tomorrow.' "


----------



## MissGulch

RevMatt said:


> Ah, that joke goes by almost every week. And it makes me laugh out loud every time


It's even funnier for me because I totally get it. I have been Canucked!


----------



## RevMatt

Welcome to the dark side! Well, the pinko side, anywho. It's comfortable here, you just have to share the cushions


----------



## Dr.G.

Matt, I recall being called a "pinko" back during the days when protesting against the war in Vietnam brought out a dozen or so persons to protest. I recall having to ask someone what a "pinko" meant. Paix, mon ami.


----------



## MissGulch

RevMatt said:


> Welcome to the dark side! Well, the pinko side, anywho. It's comfortable here, you just have to share the cushions


A Mac user in a Windoze world is a bit like a Canadian, eh?


----------



## The Doug




----------



## iNeedhelp

I don't know if anyone's told this yet but here goes.
----------------------------------------------------------------------

A boy's parents die in a car crash and he has to move to his uncle's house. Days later, the boy calls the foster home and says that the uncle is beating him. So the foster home sends him to his aunt's house. Same thing happens. The aunt is beating him to. Then he moves to his grandparents house. They beat him too. So the foster home asks the boy who he'd like to stay with.

"The Toronto Maple Leafs."
"Why do you want to stay with them?"
"Because they can't beat anybody!"
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Please don't say that I'm not patriotic or anything, it's just jokes.


----------



## darkscot

i've gotta pipe up that kid beating jokes are not funny. you can joke-bash Canada or the Leafs all you want, just leave kids out of it.


----------



## Dr.G.

I am with darkscot on this one. Child or wife abuse jokes leave me feeling cold.


----------



## Bosco

The joke police are out again. 

I found it quite funny.


----------



## iNeedhelp

Let it be known that I'm not a supporter of child abuse (or any abuse for that matter) it's just jokes.


----------



## Macfury

It's a joke section--by their very nature some jokes are going to offend people. I've found a few jokes here mildly offensive--so what?


----------



## darkscot

so where do we draw the line then? wanna make some pedophilia jokes or lets bring back the coloured folk funnies eh?

i think by their very nature jokes are going to amuse people, not offend people. it just works out that way sometimes.


----------



## Macfury

I guess we limit it to the point where people begin complaining to the board monitors. Though I suppose we could set up a "politically correct joke of the day" topic for peope who are likely to be offended.


----------



## simon

Don't let Dr. G let you "police" you in what you post here. The only jokes he finds funny are the ones he, Sinc and and few others post ... the rest he has to make some sort of comment of why he doesn't approve and why it's not funny (to him) and for goodness sake do not post a newfie joke or he'll be all up in your kashizzel

I say - lighten up Dr. G and grow yourself a funny bone.


----------



## Macfury

simon: I just had to back up three days to see darkscot's sensitive joke about guys who may be groping a woman "with large breasts" against her will on a dark train. His joke prior to that features a turtle who uses foul language.

I'm offended.


----------



## MannyP Design

It didn't really happen--it's fiction. Come on, folks. We can read all sorts of stories about a million other things, but here a joke is considered bad taste if it contains a hint of violence? Dr. G was entertained by the Da Vinci Code, but a joke about the Toronto Maple Leafs is bad taste?

To the moon with yaz!


----------



## Snapple Quaffer

Q. What's brown and sticky? 

A. A stick!


----------



## Trose

One strawberry says to the other,

"If you weren't so fresh, we wouldn't be in this jam!"


----------



## Snapple Quaffer

Did you hear about the woman who backed into a bacon slicer?

Disaster!


----------



## Dr.G.

"Dr. G was entertained by the Da Vinci Code, but a joke about the Toronto Maple Leafs is bad taste?" MannyP, it was not the reference to the Leafs that I did not like about the joke. It was the way in which continued child abuse was made light of in that "joke". I just don't think that such abuse is a laughing matter.


----------



## darkscot

Macfury said:


> simon: I just had to back up three days to see darkscot's sensitive joke about guys who may be groping a woman "with large breasts" against her will on a dark train. His joke prior to that features a turtle who uses foul language.
> 
> I'm offended.


the lady was not actually groped. the insensitive Canadian on the train wanted everyone to think the American did it. I hate explaining jokes, if you don't get it, shrug then move on to the next one.


----------



## MissGulch

darkscot said:


> the lady was not actually groped. the insensitive Canadian on the train wanted everyone to think the American did it. I hate explaining jokes, if you don't get it, shrug then move on to the next one.


It was about sexual assault against women, violence against an innocent American. I was SHOCKED! SHOCKED!  

I laughed anyway. 

I think you people ought to move along and post new jokes. Offend me. Please.


----------



## simon

MissGulch said:


> It was about sexual assault against women, violence against an innocent American. I was SHOCKED! SHOCKED!
> 
> I laughed anyway.
> 
> I think you people ought to move along and post new jokes. Offend me. Please.


yes let's move on .... 

A police officer pulled a guy over for speeding. 

Officer: May I see your drivers license? 

Driver: I dont have one. I had it suspended when I got my 5th DUI. 

Officer: May I see the owners card for this vehicle? 

Driver: Its not my car. I stole it. 

Officer: The car is stolen? 

Driver: Thats right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the owners card in the glove box when I was putting my gun in there. 

Officer: Theres a gun in the glove box? 

Driver: Yes sir. Thats where I put it after I shot and killed the woman who owns this car and stuffed her in the trunk. 

Officer: Theres a BODY in the TRUNK??? 

Driver: Yes, sir. 

Hearing this, the officer immediately called his captain. The car was quickly surrounded by police, and the captain approached the driver to handle the tense situation: 

Captain: Sir, can I see your license? 

Driver: Sure. Here it is. 

It was valid. 

Captain: Whos car is this? 

Driver: Its mine, officer. Heres the owner card. 

The driver owned the car. 

Captain: Could you slowly open your glove box so I can see if theres a gun in it? 

Driver: Yes, sir, but theres no gun in it. 

Sure enough, there was nothing in the glove box. 

Captain: Would you mind opening your trunk? I was told you said theres a body in it. 

Driver: No problem. 

Trunk is opened; no body. 

Captain: I dont understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him you didnt have a license, stole the car, had a gun in the glovebox, and that there was a dead body in the trunk. 

Driver: Yeah, Ill bet the lying son of a bitch told you I was speeding, too.


----------



## simon

She spent the first day packing her belongings into boxes, crates and suitcases.

On the second day, she had the movers come and collect her things.

On the third day, she sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining room table by candlelight, put on some soft background music, and feasted on a pound of shrimp, a jar of caviar, and a bottle of Chardonnay.

When she had finished, she went into each and every room and deposited a few half-eaten shrimp shells dipped in caviar, into the hollow of the curtain rods.

She then cleaned up the kitchen and left.

When the husband returned with his new girlfriend, all was bliss for the first few days.

Then slowly, the house began to smell.

They tried everything, cleaning, mopping, and airing the place out.

Vents were checked for dead rodents, and carpets were steam cleaned.

Air fresheners were hung everywhere.

Exterminators were brought in to set off gas canisters, during which they had to move out for a few days, and in the end they even paid to replace the expensive wool carpeting.

Nothing worked.

People stopped coming over to visit.

Repairmen refused to work in the house.

The maid quit.

Finally, they could not take the stench any longer and decided to move.

A month later, even though they had cut their price in half, they could not find a buyer for their stinky house.

Word got out, and eventually, even the local realtors refused to return their calls.

Finally, they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to purchase a
new place.

The ex-wife called her ex-husband, and asked how things were going.

He told her the saga of the rotting house.

She listened politely, and said that she missed her old home terribly, and would be willing to reduce her divorce settlement in exchange for getting the house back.

Knowing his ex-wife had no idea how bad the smell was, he agreed on a price that was about 1/10th of what the house had been worth, but only if she were to sign the papers that very day.

She agreed, and within the hour his lawyers delivered the paperwork.

A week later the man and his girlfriend stood smiling as they watched the moving company pack everything to take to their new home, including the curtain rods.


----------



## simon

There was once a happy little fly buzzing around a barn one day, when she happened upon a large pile of fresh cow manure. Since it had been hours since her last meal and she was feeling hunger pangs, she flew down to the irresistible delicacy and began to munch out. She ate.. and ate.. and then.. she ate some more!!!!

Finally, she decided she'd had plenty. She washed her face with her tiny front legs, belched a few times, then attempted to fly away. But alas, she had pigged out far too much and could not get off the ground. She looked around, wondering what to do about this unpleasant situation, when she spotted a pitchfork leaning upright against the barn wall. She'd found a solution!! She realized if she could just become airborne, she'd be able to fly again. So, she painstakingly climbed to the top of the handle. Once there, she took a deep breath, spread her tiny fly wings, and leaped confidently into the air. She dropped like a rock and splattered all over the floor, quite the dead little fly.

So, what is the moral of this sad story?

"Never fly off the handle when you know you're full of crap."


----------



## MannyP Design

Dr.G. said:


> "Dr. G was entertained by the Da Vinci Code, but a joke about the Toronto Maple Leafs is bad taste?" MannyP, it was not the reference to the Leafs that I did not like about the joke. It was the way in which continued child abuse was made light of in that "joke". I just don't think that such abuse is a laughing matter.


I understood that, G, however can not one find humor in an absurd anecdote? Like Darkscot, I hate explain jokes but the absurdity of a child who has taken abuse from EVERY member of his family, who in turn requests adoption by a hockey team is so over the top... how could you take offense?

It's not a joke at the expense (or makes light) of abused children... just an abused team.


----------



## The Doug

« MannyP Design » said:


> ...just an abused team...


----------



## ErnstNL

Vatican City News:

Pope has bird flu!

Caught it from a Cardinal.


:lmao:


----------



## MACSPECTRUM

A big shot attorney had to spend a couple of days in the hospital. He was
a royal pain to the nurses because he bossed them around like he did his
staff. None of the hospital staff wanted to have anything to do with him. 

The head nurse was the only one who could stand up to him. She came 
into his room and announced, "I have to take your temperature." 

After complaining for several minutes, he finally settled down, crossed
his arms and opened his mouth. 

"No, I'm sorry," the nurse stated, "but for this reading, I can't use an 
oral thermometer." 

This started another round of complaining, but eventually he rolled over and bared his behind. 

After feeling the nurse insert the thermometer, he heard her announce, "I have to get something. Now you stay JUST LIKE THAT until I get back!" 

She leaves the door to his room open on her way out! 

He curses under his breath as he hears people walking past his door, 
laughing. After a half hour, the man's doctor comes into the room. 

"What's going on here?" asked the doctor. 

Angrily, the man answers, "What's the matter, Doc? Haven't you ever seen someone having their temperature taken?" 

After a pause, the doctor confesses, "Not with a carnation."


----------



## The Doug




----------



## Dr.G.

Doug, maybe I am dense, but I am trying to think what that last symbol's translation should be like. Any help???


----------



## Trose

No explosives?


----------



## Dr.G.

A "dangerous wealthy person lump" somehow translates into "no explosives"??? Live and learn.


----------



## SINC

This one's for the resident Rev:

A man went to church one day and afterward he stopped to shake the preacher's hand. He said "Preacher, I'll tell you, that was a damned fine sermon. Damned good!"

The preacher said, "Thank you sir, but I'd rather you didn't use profanity."

The man said, "I was so damned impressed with that sermon I put five thousand dollars in the offering plate!"

The preacher said, "No Sh!t?"


----------



## RevMatt

Ha! Perfect


----------



## The Doug




----------



## The Doug

*Phrases To Use At Work*

- I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid. 

- I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant. 

- I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth. 

- It might look like I'm doing nothing, but at the cellular level I'm really quite busy. 

- Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view. 

- The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist 

- Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental 

- I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't care. 

- I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you. 

- It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off. 

- Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial. 

- No, my powers can only be used for good. 

- How about never? Is never good for you? 

- I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to worship me 

- You sound reasonable...Time to up my medication 

- I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter. 

- I don't work here. I'm a consultant. 

- Who me? I just wander from room to room. 

- My toys! My toys! I can't do this job without my toys! 

- At least I have a positive attitude about my destructive habits. 

- You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers. 

- I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public. 

- Someday, we'll look back on this, laugh nervously and change the subject.


----------



## The Doug




----------



## iNeedhelp

The teacher asked her students to use the word 'fascinate' in a sentence. Mary said, "My family went to the New York City Zoo, and we saw all the animals. It was fascinating."
The teacher said, "That was good, but I wanted the word 'fascinate'."
Sally raised her hand. She said, "My family went to the Philadelphia Zoo and saw the animals. I was fascinated."
The teacher said, "Good, but I wanted the word 'fascinate'."
Little Johnny Siebert raised his hand. The teacher hesitated because Johnny was noted for his bad behavior. She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word 'fascinate' so she called on him.
Johnny said, "My sister has a sweater with 10 buttons, but her belly is so big she can only fasten eight."


----------



## Rob

The Doug said:


>


Attached Thumbnails 











I was just catching up on this thread and I still can't stop laughing over this one.  :clap: :lmao:


----------



## SINC

At 3 AM a desk clerk at a hotel gets a call from a drunk guy asking what time the bar opens.

"It opens at noon" answers the clerk.

About an hour later he gets a call from the same guy, sounding even drunker.

"What time does the bar open?" he asks.

"Same time as before... Noon." replies the clerk.

Another hour passes and he calls again, plastered "Whatjoo shay the bar opins at?"

The clerk then answers, "It opens at noon, but if you can't wait, I can have room service send something up to you."

"No... I don't wanna git in... Ah wanna git OUT!"


----------



## The Doug

It seems that the MSNBC spell-check monkey was out getting a fresh bunch of bananas when this went up this morning. The typo has since been fixed (unfortunately).


----------



## Macfury

I'm always amazed by the number of news articles that run with the editor's comments about fixing one thing or another before it goes to press-usually on the AP Wire site.


----------



## MissGulch

*For RevMatt, if he wants it*

What do a priest and a Christmas tree have in common?
They both have balls for decoration.

Have I offended someone? I hope so!


----------



## MLeh

Just for today ...

Most people don't know that back in 1912, Hellmann's mayonnaise was manufactured in England. In fact, the Titanic was carrying 12,000 jars of the condiment scheduled for delivery in Vera Cruz, Mexico, which was to be the next port of call for the great ship after its stop in New York.

This would have been the largest single shipment of mayonnaise ever delivered to Mexico. But as we know, the great ship did not make it to New York. The ship hit an iceberg and sank, and the cargo was forever lost.

The people of Mexico, who were crazy about mayonnaise, and were eagerly awaiting its delivery, were disconsolate at the loss. Their anguish was so great, that they declared a National Day of Mourning, which they still observe to this day.

The National Day of Mourning occurs each year on May 5th and is known, of course, as Sinko de Mayo.

WHAT?


----------



## SINC

Junior had just received his brand new drivers license. 

To celebrate, the whole family trooped out to the driveway and climbed into the car for his inaugural drive. 

Dad immediately headed to the back seat, directly behind the newly minted driver. 

"I'll bet you're back there to get a change of scenery after all those months of sitting in the front passenger seat teaching me how to drive," said the beaming boy to his old man. 

"Nope," came dad's reply, "I'm gonna sit back here and kick the back of your seat while you drive, just like you have been doing to me for sixteen years."


----------



## Chris

What's brown, and sounds like a bell?

DUNNNNNG!


----------



## The Doug

*Roast Turkey*

- 10-12 lb.Turkey
- 1 cup melted butter
- 1 package prepared stuffing
- 1 cup uncooked popcorn
- Salt & pepper to taste

Preheat oven to 350 degrees. Brush turkey with melted butter, salt, and pepper. Fill cavity with stuffing and popcorn. Place in baking pan with the neck end toward the back of the oven. Listen for the popping sounds. When the turkey's ass blows the oven door open and the bird flies across the room, it's done.


----------



## The Doug

*Unwritten Laws*

- After your hands become coated with grease your nose will begin to itch or you'll need to pee. 

- Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner. 

- The probability of your being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act. 

- When you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal. 

- If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire. 

- If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will start to move faster than the one you are in now. 

- When you are fully immersed in the bath, the telephone will ring. 

- The probability of meeting someone you know increases when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with. 

- When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will. 

- The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to your ability to reach it. 

- As soon as you sit down to enjoy a cup of fresh hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold. 

- The chances of an open-faced jam sandwich of landing face down on a floor covering are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet/rug. 

- No matter where you go, there you are. 

- Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about. 

- If the shoe fits, it's ugly. 

- A closed mouth gathers no feet. 

- As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making It.


----------



## iNeedhelp

Sorry if I offend anyone with this joke.  

"This morning my sister made some eggs. So we cooked them."
- Emo Phillips


----------



## The Doug

*Nurse:* Doctor, there is an invisible man in the waiting room!

*Doctor:* Tell him I can't see him now.


----------



## Dr.G.

A patient walks into a doctor's office.

Patient: Doctor, people ignore me.

Doctor: Next!


----------



## Dr.G.

Patient: Doctor, what does the X-ray of my head show?

Doctor: Absolutely nothing!


----------



## Dr.G.

Doctor: Did you take the patient's temperature?

Nurse: No. Is it missing?


----------



## Ena

Patient in dentist's chair after a check-up.

Patient: Well how are my teeth?

Dentist: Your teeth are fine but your gums have to come out.


----------



## markceltic

Do you know what happened this week back in 1850, in California?

California became a state.
The State had no electricity.
The State had no money.
Almost everyone spoke Spanish.
There were gun fights in the streets.

So basically, it was just like California is today except
the women had real breasts and men didn't hold hands!


----------



## SINC

A man and his wife were celebrating 50 years together Their three kids, all very successful, agreed to a Sunday dinner in their honor.

"Happy Anniversary Mom and Dad," gushed son number one. "Sorry I'm running late and had an emergency, you know how it is,so I didn't have time to get you both a present."

"Not to worry," said the dad. "The important thing is that we're all here together today."

Son number two arrived and announced, "you and Mom still look great, Dad, I just flew in from L. A. and didn't have time to get you a present. Sorry."

"It's nothing," said the father, "Glad you were able to be here."

Just then the daughter arrived, "Hello both of you, Happy Anniversary! I'm sorry, but my boss is sending me out of town and I was really busy packing, so I didn't have time to get you guys anything."

Again the father said, "I really don't care, at least the five of us are together today."

After they had all finished dinner, the father put down his knife and fork, looked up and said, "Listen up, all three of you, there's something your mother and I have wanted to tell you for a long time. You see, we were very poor. Despite this, we were able to raise each of you and send you to college. All through the years your mother and I knew that we loved each other very much but, we just never found the time to get married."

The three kids gasp and said, "You mean we're bastards?"

"Yep," said the dad, "and cheap ones at that!"


----------



## Dr.G.

Sinc, good one. Quid pro quo, n'est pas?


----------



## SINC

And now this:

A man walks into a doctor's office. 

He has a cucumber up his nose, a carrot in his left ear and a banana in his right ear. 

"Doctor, what's the matter with me?" 

"You're not eating properly."


----------



## Dr.G.

That joke would be funnier if the carrot was in his right ear and the banana in his left ear. Just my opinion.


----------



## MLeh

No, the cucumber should be in his left ear, and the carrot in his right. Unless he's walking backwards, of course.

(Sailor humour ... I'll go away now ...)


----------



## SINC

George Phillips was going up to bed when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window. 

George opened the back door to go turn off the light, but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things.

He phoned the police, who asked "Is someone in your house?" and he said no. Then they said that all patrols were busy, and that he should simply lock his door and an officer would be along when available.

George said "Okay," hung up, counted to 30, and phoned the police again.

"Hello. I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people in my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now because I've just shot them all." Then he hung up.

Within five minutes, three police cars, an Armed Response unit, and an ambulance showed up at the residence. Of course, the police caught the burglars red-handed.

One of the policemen said to George: "I thought you said that you'd shot them!"

George said, "I thought you said there was nobody available!"


----------



## iNeedhelp

I saw this in another forum, thought I'd post it here.
--------------------------------------------------------------------
The Top Ten "Old West" Phrases That Will Never Sound The Same After Brokeback Mountain.... 

1. "I'm gonna pump you fulla lead!" 

2. "Give me a stiff one, barkeep!" 

3. "Don't fret---I've been in tight spots before." 

4. "Howdy, pardner." 

5. You stay here while I sneak around from behind." 

6. Two words: "Saddle Sore." 

7. "Hold it right there! Now, move your hand, reeeal slow-like." 

8. "Let's mount up!" 

9. "Nice spread ya got there!" 

10. "Ride'em cowboy!"


----------



## iLabmAn

*Science Exam Answers!*

>Children's Science Exam
>Almost better than a cup of coffee to start your morning... If you need a 
>laugh, read through these Children's Science Exam Answers. These are real 
>answers given by children.
>
>Q: Name the four seasons.
>A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.
>
>Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink.
>A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants 
>like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.
>
>Q: How is dew formed?
>A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.
>
>Q: How can you delay milk turning sour?
>A: Keep it in the cow.
>
>Q: What causes the tides in the oceans?
>A: The tides are a fight between the Earth and the Moon. All water tends to 
>flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature 
>hates a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.
>
>Q: What are steroids?
>A: Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.
>
>Q: What happens to your body as you age?
>A: When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.
>
> Q: What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
> A: He says good-bye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.
>
> Q: Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.
> A: Premature death.
>
> Q: What is artificial insemination?
> A: When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow.
>
> Q: How are the main parts of the body categorized? (e.g., abdomen.)
> A: The body is consisted into three parts---the brainium, the borax and 
>the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain; the borax contains 
>the heart and lungs, and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels, A, 
>E, I, O, and U.
>
> Q: What is the fibula?
> A: A small lie.
>
> Q: What does "varicose" mean?
> A: Nearby. (I do love this one...)
>
> Q: Give the meaning of the term "Caesarean Section"
> A: The Caesarean Section is a district in Rome.
>
> Q: What does the word "benign" mean?'
> A: Benign is what you will be after you be eight.
>
> Q: What is the Law of Logical Argument:
> A: Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about.


----------



## The Doug

Q. What do you get if you cross a dinosaur with a flower?
A. I don't know, but don't try to smell it. 

Q: Why did the polygamist cross the road?
A: To get to the other bride. 

Q: What's a pirate's favorite kind of socks?
A: Aaarghile 

Q: What has four legs and one arm?
A: A pitbull. 

Q. Where do you find a dog with no legs?
A. Exactly where you left it. 

Q: What do you get when you try to cross a raccoon with a skunk?
A: A dirty look from the raccoon. 

Q: What do cannibals have for breakfast?
A: Him and eggs. 

Q: What do you call a man hanging on the wall?
A: Art 

Q: What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup?
A: Anyone can roast beef. 

Q: What do you call a fly without wings?
A: A Walk. 

Q: What is the difference between a joist and a girder? 
A: Joist wrote "Ulysses" and girder wrote "Faust".


----------



## SINC

A cowboy rode into town and stopped at a saloon for a drink. 

Unfortunately, the locals always had a habit of picking on strangers, which he was. 

When he finished his drink, he found his horse had been stolen. He went back into the bar, handily flipped his gun into the air, caught it above his head without even looking and fired a shot into the ceiling. 

"Which one of you sidewinders stole my horse?" he yelled with surprising forcefulness. No one answered. "Alright, I'm gonna have another beer, and if my horse ain't back outside by the time I finish, I'm gonna do what I dun in Texas! And I don't like to have to do what I dun in Texas!"

Some of the locals shifted restlessly. The man, true to his word, had another beer, walked outside, and his horse has been returned to the post. 

He saddled up and started to ride out of town. The bartender wandered out of the bar and asked, "Say partner, before you go... what happened in Texas?" 

The cowboy turned back and said, "I had to walk home."


----------



## The Doug

- Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The wedding wasn't much, but the reception was just great.

- Two cannibals were eating a clown. One said to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"

- An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.

- What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.


----------



## SINC

"How was your game, dear?" asked Jack's wife Tracy. 

"Well, I was hitting pretty well, but my eyesight's gotten so bad I couldn't see where the ball went," he answered. 

"But you're 75 years old, Jack!" admonished his wife, "Why don't you take my brother Scott along?" 

"But he's 85 and doesn't play golf anymore," protested Jack. 

"But he's got perfect eyesight. He would watch the ball for you," Tracy pointed out. 

The next day Jack teed off with Scott looking on. Jack swung and the ball disappeared down the middle of the fairway. 

"Do you see it?" asked Jack. 

"Yup," Scott answered. 

"Well, where is it?" yelled Jack, peering off into the distance. 

"I forget."


----------



## rgray

"Dear Lord," the preacher began with arms extended and a rapturous look on his upturned face, "without you we are but dust..."

He would have continued, but at that moment one very obedient little girl
(who was listening carefully) leaned over to her mother and asked quite
audibly in her shrill little girl voice, "Mommy, WHAT is butt dust?"

Church was pretty much over at that point...


----------



## Beej

http://www.mcdonalds.com/corp/career.html
Mc jobs

http://www.rim.com/careers/index.shtml
RIM jobs


----------



## MACSPECTRUM

One dark night outside a small town in Saskatchewan, a fire started inside the local sausage plant and in a blink it exploded into massive flames.

The alarm went out to all the fire departments from miles around.
When the volunteer fire fighters appeared on the scene, the sausage company president rushed to the fire chief and said, "All of our secret formulas are in the vault in the center of the plant.

They must be saved and I will give $50,000 to the fire department that brings them out intact."

But the roaring flames held the firefighters off.

Soon more fire departments had to be called in as the situation became desperate.

As the firemen arrived, the president shouted out that the offer was now $100,000 to the fire department who could bring out the company's secret files.

From the distance, a lone siren was heard as another fire truck came into sight.

It was the nearby Dauphin-Yorkton rural township volunteer fire department composed mainly of Ukrainians over the age of 65.

To everyone's amazement, the little run-down fire engine, operated by these Ukrainians, passed all the newer sleek engines parked outside the plant..and drove straight into the middle of the inferno.

Outside the other firemen watched as the Ukrainian old timers jumped off and began to fight the fire with a performance and effort never seen before.

Within a short time, the Yorkton old-timers had extinguished the fire and saved the secret formulas.

The grateful sausage company president joyfully announced that for such a superhuman feat he was upping the reward to $200,000, and walked over to personally thank each of the brave, though elderly, Ukrainian firefighters.

The local TV news reporters rushed in after capturing the event on film asking,

"What are you going to do with all that money?"

"Vell," said Nick Yaremchuk, the 70-year-old fire chief, ".....da furst 
thing vee gonna do is fix da brakes on dat focking truck."


----------



## kps

From an email I received:

Top 15 Police Comments

The following 15 Police Comments were taken off actual police car videos
around the country.

#15. "Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll
stretch out after you wear them awhile."

#14. "Take your hands off the car, and I'll make your birth certificate
a worthless document." 

#13. "If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."

#12. "Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? In case you didn't
know, that is the average speed of a 9 mm bullet fired from my gun."

#11. "So you don't know how fast you were going. I guess that means I
can write anything I want on the ticket, huh?"

#10. "Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think
it will help. Oh, did I mention that I am the shift supervisor?"

#9. "Warning? You want a warning? O.K., I'm warning you not to do that
again or I'll give you another ticket."

#8. "The answer to this last question will determine whether you are
drunk or not: Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?"

#7. "Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go
to ride on rides, eat cotton candy, and step in monkey DOO."

#6. "Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster
oven."

#5. "No, sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to have quotas, but
now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we want."

#4. "Just how big were those two beers?

#3. "In God we trust, all others we run through NCIC."

#2. "I'm glad to hear the Chief of Police is a good personal friend of
yours. At least you know someone who can post your bail."

And.................... THE BEST ONE !!!!!!!....Drum Roll Please!!!!!!!

#1 "You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? You're right, we
don't."


----------



## RevMatt

Insight into those in my line of work 

You know it's a bad day when:
* you finally remember the name of that person you promised to visit in the hospital – while reading the obituaries.
* you can't find Obadiah while leading a Bible study.
* the groundskeeper accidentally waters your study along with the flower bed.
* in the pulpit you notice your sermon notes this week are for last week's sermon.
* the youth pastor urgently asks you about the church's liability insurance.
* your church treasurer sends you a post card from Geneva.
* the manse redecoration committee gets "a good deal" on used chartreuse carpet.
* you are informed that the youth group used steel wool sponges for their car wash.
* the couple you married a year ago calls to ask about a warranty.
* you are elected Pastor Emeritus – and you're only 28.


----------



## SINC

Husband: Oh, come on. 
Wife: Leave me alone!
Husband: It won't take long.
Wife: I won't be able to sleep afterwards.
Husband: I can't sleep without it.
Wife: Why do you think of things like this in the middle of the night? 
Husband: Because I'm Hot.
Wife: You get hot at the darnedest times.
Husband: If you love me I wouldn't have to beg you.
Wife: If you love me you'd be more considerate.
Husband: You don't love me anymore.
Wife: Yes I do, but let's forget it for tonight. 
Husband: Please? Come on.
Wife: Alright, I'll do it.
Husband: What's the matter? Need a flashlight?
Wife: I can't find it.
Husband: Oh, for heaven's sake, feel for it! 
Wife: There! Are you satisfied?
Husband: Oh, yes. 
Wife: Is it up far enough?
Husband: Oh, that's good.
Wife: Now go to sleep and from now on when you want the window open, do it yourself.


----------



## Dr.G.

A lady was at a bar one night when she recognized an attractive man standing by looking at her. She smiled and said to him, "I think you are the father of one of my children."

The man was confused for a minute and then suddenly recalled "was that the night with all the tequilla and the key swapping?"

The woman blushed and said, "no, sir, I meant that I believe your son is in my kindergarten class."


----------



## iNeedhelp

Haha, Dr G. I heard that on the radio once, good one! Here's one I heard yesterday:

A woman is told by her doctor that she is going to die in a week. God sees this and wants to tell her the truth. He brings her up to Heaven and she asks "Am I going to really going to die in a week?" God says "No. You have 40 more years." 

The woman decides to make the most of the 40 years. She gets liposuction, a tummy tuck, a facelift, and she dyes her hair red too. When she comes out of her last operation, she gets hit by a bus.

When she's in Heaven she says to God "What happened? I was supposed to die in 40 years!"

God says: "Sorry. I didn't recognize you."


----------



## Dr.G.

iNeedhelp, I just sent that joke on to my wife. She is a natural red head, but once talked about liposuction.


----------



## SINC

A man and his wife are dining at a table in a plush restaurant and the husband keeps staring at an old drunken lady swigging gin, as she sits alone at a nearby table.

Finally, the wife asks "Do you know her?"

"Yes," sighs the husband, "She's my ex-wife. She took to drinking right after we divorced, seven years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since."

"My God," says the wife, "who would think a person could go on celebrating that long."


----------



## iNeedhelp

Haha good one Sinc!


----------



## The Doug




----------



## SINC

Two Scots, Archie and Jock, are sitting in the pub discussing Jock's forthcoming wedding.

"Ach, it's all going grand," says Jock. "I've got everything organised already: the flowers, the church, the cars, the reception, the rings, the minister, even my stag night.

Archie nods approvingly.

"Heavens, I've even bought a kilt to be married in!" continues Jock.

"A kilt?" exclaims Archie, "that's brave, you'll look pure smart in that!

"And what's the tartan?" Archie then enquires.

"Och," says Jock, "I'd imagine she'll be in white."


----------



## SINC

An atheist was taking a walk through the woods. "What majestic trees! What powerful rivers! What beautiful animals!" he said to himself.

As he continued walking alongside the river he heard a rustling in the bushes. Turning to look, he saw a seven-foot grizzly charging towards him. He ran as fast as he could up the path. Looking over his shoulder he saw that the bear was closing in on him. His heart was pumping frantically and he tried to run even faster. He tripped and fell on the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up but saw the bear raising his paw to take a swipe at him.

At that instant the atheist cried out: "Oh my God!..."

Time stopped.

The bear froze.

The forest was silent.

It was then that a Bright Light shone upon the man and a voice came out of the sky saying: "You deny My existence for all of these years, teach others I don't exist and even credit creation to a cosmic accident. Do you expect Me 
to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer?"

The atheist looked directly into The Light. "It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask you to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps, could you make the BEAR a Christian?"

"Very well," said The Voice. The Light went out, and the sounds of the forest resumed.

And then the bear lowered his paw, bowed his head and spoke: "Lord, bless this food which I am about to receive and for which I am truly thankful, Amen. "


----------



## duosonic

Letter to the Pets:

The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note that placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not mean it becomes your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.

The stairway is not a racetrack. Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help because I fall faster than you can run. I cannot buy anything bigger than a king-sized bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to ensure your comfort. Dogs and cats can actually curl up in a ball when they sleep. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space is nothing but sarcasm and disrespect.

For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If, by some miracle, I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the knob or stick your paw under the edge and try to pull
the door open. I must exit through the same door I entered. I have been using the bathroom for years--canine or feline attendance is not mandatory.
(O my goodness was someone in my house watching!?!)

The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dog or cat's butt, NOT THE OTHER WAY AROUND. I cannot stress this enough! 

To pacify you, my dear pets, I have posted the following message on our front door :

Rules for Non-Pet Owners Who Visit and Always Complain About Our Pets

1. They live here. You don't.
2. If you don't want hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture. (That's why they call it "fur"niture )
3. I like my pets a lot better than I like most people.
4. To you, it's an animal. To me, he/she is an adopted son/daughter who is short, hairy, walks on all fours, and does not speak clearly.

Remember:
Dogs and cats are better than kids because they:
- eat less,
- don't ask for money all the time,
- are easier to train

- usually come when called,
- never drive your car,
- don't hang out with drug-using friends,
- don't smoke or drink,
- don't worry about having to buy the latest fashions,
- don't wear your clothes,
- don't need a gazillion dollars for college,
- and if they get pregnant, you can sell their children.


----------



## Dr.G.

Good one, duosonic. We are down to 7 dogs in our house now, so this is very meaningful.


----------



## duosonic

Thought you'd enjoy that one, Dr. G.


----------



## SINC

A man and a woman who have never met before find themselves in the same sleeping carriage of a train. 

After the initial embarrassment they both go to sleep, the woman on the top bunk, the man on the lower. 

In the middle of the night the woman leans over, wakes the man and says, "I'm sorry to bother you, but I'm awfully cold and I was wondering if you could possibly get me another blanket." 

The man leans out and, with a glint in his eye, says, "I've got a better idea . . . just for tonight, let's pretend we're married." 

The woman thinks for a moment. "Why not," she giggles. 

"Great," he replies, "Get your own blanket!"


----------



## Dr.G.

Sinc, what would you wife say to this joke??????? From what I know, you treat her like a queen, and she deserves this sort of kind treatment from you.


----------



## SINC

Dr. G., when I told her, she smiled at the story in her own quiet way. I suspect she was amused that she never has to worry about such things.


----------



## Macfury

Sinc: it's good to know you would get her a blanket.


----------



## Dr.G.

Sinc is always the gentleman and loving husband. "Always caring, always sharing".


----------



## SINC

Dr.G. said:


> Sinc is always the gentleman and loving husband. "Always caring, always sharing".


Close, but it is, "Always giving, never taking".


----------



## Dr.G.

Sinc, someday I shall get that quote correct. For some reason, I keep getting it close ................... but close only counts in horseshoes.


----------



## RevMatt

Dr.G. said:


> Sinc, someday I shall get that quote correct. For some reason, I keep getting it close ................... but close only counts in horseshoes.


And handgrenades.

Or at least, that was the saying when I was a kid.


----------



## Bosco

And Nuclear bombs. That was the new saying when I was a kid.


----------



## SINC

That might be but horseshoes have been around much longer than either grenades or bombs, so is the winner, hands down!


----------



## SINC

A little boy was in a relative's wedding party. As he was coming down the aisle he would take two steps, stop, and turn to the crowd (alternating between bride's side and groom's side). While facing the crowd, he would put his hands up like claws and roar loudly.

So it went, step, step, ROAR, step, step, ROAR all the way down the aisle.

As you can imagine, the crowd was near tears from laughing so hard by the time he reached the front. The little boy, however, was getting more and more distressed from all the laughing, and was near tears by the time he reached the pulpit. When asked what he was doing, the child sniffed and said, "I was just being the Ring Bear!"


----------



## Dr.G.

Good one, Sinc.


----------



## SINC

A little boy returning home from his first day at school said to his mother, "Mom, what's sex?"

His mother, who believed in all the most modern educational theories, gave him a detailed explanation, covering all aspects of the tricky subject.

When she had finished, the little lad produced an enrollment form which he had brought home from school and said, "Yes, but how am I going to get all that into this one little square?"


----------



## paulohnine

A New Zealander walks into his bedroom with a sheep under his arm and says, "Darling, this is the pig I have sex with when you have a headache."
His girlfriend is lying in bed and replies:
"I think you'll find that's a sheep, you idiot."
The man says, "I think you'll find I wasn't talking to you."


----------



## Cameo

[FONT=tahoma,sans-serif]Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What is your emergency?
Caller: I heard what sounded like gunshots coming from the brown house on the corner.
Dispatcher: Do you have an address?
Caller: No, I have on a blouse and slacks, why?

[FONT=Verdana, Helvetica, Arial]Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What is your emergency?
Caller: Someone broke into my house and took a bite out of my ham and cheese sandwich.
Dispatcher: Excuse me?
Caller: I made a ham and cheese sandwich and left it on the kitchen table and when I came back from the bathroom, someone had taken a bite out of it.
Dispatcher: Was anything else taken?
Caller:! No, but this has happened to me before and I'm sick and tired of it!

Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What is the nature of your emergency?
Caller: I'm trying to reach nine-eleven, but my phone doesn't have an eleven on it.
Dispatcher: This is nine eleven.
Caller: I thought you just said it was nine-one-one
Dispatcher: Yes, ma'am nine-one-one and nine-eleven are the same thing.
Caller: Honey, I may be old, but I'm not stupid.

Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What's the nature of your emergency?
Caller: My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart
Dispatcher: Is this her first child?
Caller: No, you idiot! This is her husband!

Dispatcher: 9-1-1
Caller: Yeah, I'm having trouble breathing I'm all out of breath. Darn....I think I'm going to pass out
Dispatcher: Sir, where are you calling from?
Caller: I'm at a pay phone North and Foster.
Dispatcher: Sir, an ambulance is on the way. Are you an asthmatic?
Caller: No
Dispatcher: What were you doing before you started having trouble breathing?
Caller: Running from the Police​
[/FONT][/FONT]


----------



## winwintoo

Dr.G. said:


> Sinc, what would you wife say to this joke??????? From what I know, you treat her like a queen, and she deserves this sort of kind treatment from you.


Sinc, do you know the joke about the plane that's about to crash, there's something about an old maid and everyone saying their last wishes and the punch line is "here, iron this."

I'm not good at telling jokes, but it's right up there with your get your own blanket joke - if you know it and can fill in the rest of the story.

Take care, Margaret


----------



## RevMatt

The "iron this" joke sounds closer in spirit to the "why does a bride wear white" jokes. Don's wasn't really sexist, just not very classy.  (the guy in the joke, that is...)


----------



## SINC

A little boy was sitting on the side of the road with a bottle of turpentine and shaking it up and watching all the bubbles.

A little while later a Priest came along and asked the little boy what he had.

The little boy replied, "This is the most powerful liquid in the world, it's called turpentine." 

The Priest said, "No, the most powerful liquid in the world is Holy Water. If you take some of this Holy Water and rub it on a pregnant women's belly, she'll pass a healthy baby."

The little boy replied, "You take some of this here turpentine and rub it on a cat's bottom and he'll pass a Harley Davidson."


----------



## Macfury

WinWinTwo:

As an airplane is about to crash, an old maid jumps up and says, "If Im going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman." 

She removes all her clothing and asks, "Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?"

A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, "Here, iron this."


----------



## iNeedhelp

Macfury said:


> WinWinTwo:
> 
> As an airplane is about to crash, an old maid jumps up and says, "If Im going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman."
> 
> She removes all her clothing and asks, "Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?"
> 
> A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, "Here, iron this."


----------



## Macfury

iNeedHelp: It was a special request from WinWinTwo!!!


----------



## iNeedhelp

Ahhh ok. I thought it was kind of funny .


----------



## Macfury

iNeedhelp said:


> Ahhh ok. I thought it was kind of funny .


All I saw was a shock-i-con--then one that looked sad...


----------



## MLeh

A woman was sitting at a bar enjoying an after-work cocktail with her girlfriends when an exceptionally tall, handsome, extremely sexy young man entered. He was so striking that the woman could not take her eyes away from him. The young man noticed her overly-attentive stare & walked directly toward her.

Before she could offer her apologies for being so rude for staring, the young man said to her, 'I'll do anything, absolutely anything, that you want me to
do, no matter how kinky, for $100, on one condition.'

Flabbergasted, the woman asked what the condition was.

The young man replied, 'You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words.'

The woman considered his proposition for a moment, withdrew from her purse & slowly counted out five $20 bills, which she pressed into the young man's hand along with her address.

She looked deeply into his eyes & slowly, meaningfully said, 

"Clean my house."

(Consider that 'tit for tat' for the ironing joke.)


----------



## RevMatt

Nicely done, Elaine!


----------



## winwintoo

Macfury said:


> WinWinTwo:
> 
> As an airplane is about to crash, an old maid jumps up and says, "If Im going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman."
> 
> She removes all her clothing and asks, "Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?"
> 
> A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, "Here, iron this."


That's it!

And way to go Elaine!


----------



## SINC

Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers, a Police Officer sees a car puttering along at 22 MPH. He thinks to himself, "This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!" So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over. 

Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies, two in the front seat and three in the back, eyes wide and white as ghosts. 

The driver, obviously confused, says to him, "Officer, I don't understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?" 

"Ma'am," the officer replies, "You weren't speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers." 

"Slower than the speed limit?" she asked. No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly, 22 miles an hour", the old woman says a bit proudly. The Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that "22" was the highway number, not the speed limit. A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error. 

"But before I let you go, Ma'am, I have to ask, Is everyone in this car OK"? These women seem awfully shaken and they haven't muttered a single peep this whole time." the officer asks. 

"Oh, they'll be alright in a minute officer. We just got off highway 119."


----------



## Dr.G.

Good one, Sinc. Luckily, there were not on the 401.


----------



## SINC

Three elderly ladies were at the doctor for a cognitive reasoning test.

The doctor says to the first gal, "What is three times three?" "297," was her prompt reply. "Ummm humm," says the doc.

The doctor says to the second lady, "It's your turn now. What is three times three?" "Friday," replies the second lady. "Ummm humm..."

Then the doc says to the third, "Okay, ma'am, your turn. What's three times three?"

"Nine," she says. "That's wonderful!" says the doc. "Tell me, how did you get that?"

"Simple," she says, beaming, "I just subtracted 297 from Friday!"


----------



## The Doug

A classic: The Great Flydini.


----------



## Dr.G.

Good one, Doug. I had never seen this before today. Merci, mon ami.


----------



## markceltic

The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all the background checks, interviews, and testing were done there were 3 finalists. Two men and a woman. 
For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.

"We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances. Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill Her!

The man said, "You can't be serious, I could never shoot my wife." The agent said, "Then you're not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home."

The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes. The man came out with tears in his eyes, "I tried, but I can't kill my wife."

The agent said, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."

Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions, to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow.

"This gun is loaded with blanks" she said. "I had to beat him to death with the chair."

MORAL: Women are evil. Don't mess with them.

Pass on this advice !!

I know not all of them are,just the bad ones on 24 or Alias


----------



## SINC

A highly timid little man, Casper Milquetoast, ventured into a biker bar in the Bronx and clearing his throat asked, 'Um, err, which of you gentlemen owns the Doberman tied outside to the parking meter?' 

A giant of a man, wearing biker leathers, his body hair growing out through the seams, turned slowly on his stool, looked down at the quivering little man and said, 'It's my dog. Why?' 

'Well,' squeaked the little man, obviously very nervous, 'I believe my dog just killed it, sir.' 

'What?' roared the big man in disbelief. 'What in the hell kind of dog do you have?' 

'Sir,' answered the little man, 'It's a four week old puppy.' 

'Bull!' roared the biker, 'How could your puppy kill my Doberman?' 

'It appears that he choked on it, sir.'


----------



## Theseus

Shocking, but awfully funny! Keep it up!


----------



## SINC




----------



## Dr.G.

Priceless, Sinc.


----------



## RevMatt

The Flydini bit - is it me, or is his one arm fake? Presumably so the other can be in his pants... 

I had never seen that. Good stuff!


----------



## Dr.G.

Matt, his left arm is the "dummy arm" in that it just hangs there and sways as he moves about the stage. His real left arm is hidden under his suit and is doing the trick. Still, it is a good laugh.


----------



## Macfury

I once made a costume like that. A "chest buster" hand puppet that would burst through a sewatshirt and fly out to start snapping at whoever passed. Possibly a bit too scary for some of the people who experienced it.


----------



## Snapple Quaffer

Can't make the Flydini vid work. According to the Macromedia page on the Adobe site, I have version 8,0,24,0 of the Flash Player installed. This is the first vid on You Tube that has acted up like this. Any suggestions?

Oh, and although this isn't meant to be a joke, feel free to laugh anyway. 

Edit: Check that. The d**n thing's working now! Hahahaha.


----------



## The Doug

If you're blue, and you don't know where to go to... Young FrankenSteve.


----------



## Dr.G.

Good one, Doug. Not sure if Steve Balmer would agree, however.


----------



## SINC

"Doc, I can't stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home."

"That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome."

"Is it common?"

"It's not unusual."


----------



## RevMatt

Ouch, SINC. Mostly for making me hear Tom Jones in my mind


----------



## SINC

Two guys sitting in a kayak were chilly. 

They lit a fire in the craft, and it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.


----------



## SINC

And then there was the case of a man who drowned in a bowl of Muesli.

A strong currant pulled him in.


----------



## SINC

Three old ladies were sitting side by side in their retirement home reminiscing.

The first lady recalled shopping at the grocers and demonstrated with her hands, the length and thickness of a cucumber she could buy for a penny.

The second old lady nodded, adding that onions used to be much bigger and cheaper also, then demonstrated the size of two big onions she could buy for a penny a piece.

The third old lady remarked, "I can't hear a word you're saying, but I remember the guy you're talking about.


----------



## iNeedhelp

SINC said:


> Three old ladies were sitting side by side in their retirement home reminiscing.
> 
> The first lady recalled shopping at the grocers and demonstrated with her hands, the length and thickness of a cucumber she could buy for a penny.
> 
> The second old lady nodded, adding that onions used to be much bigger and cheaper also, then demonstrated the size of two big onions she could buy for a penny a piece.
> 
> The third old lady remarked, "I can't hear a word you're saying, but I remember the guy you're talking about.


SINC. That was the best joke I've heard this year. My god I have to tell that to all of my friends.


----------



## iNeedhelp

MATURE CONTENT

A man goes to a doctor and says he doesn't know how to have sex. The doctor says "WHAT? How could you not know?"
"I don't know."

So the Doctor tells the man to bring his wife in and he'll "demonstrate", so to speak. When the man brings his wife, the doctor draws a circle, pushes the man in it, and says "Don't come out of the circle! Just pay attention! If you come out of the circle I will punch you in such a way that will make this demonstration will be useless!"

After the demonstration, the man starts laughing very loudly. The doctor asks "Why the heck are you laughing?"

The man says: "I came out of the circle 5 times, and you didn't notice!"


----------



## markceltic

Have you heard what the strawberry said to the other strawberry? And I quote "if we hadn't been so fresh last night we wouldn't be in this jam".


----------



## Ena

Visual joke.

What makes love like a tiger and winks?

Person asking the above question winks.


----------



## SINC

A man and his wife are awoken at 3 o'clock in the morning by a knock on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a stranger is asking for a push. "Not a chance" says the husband. "It's three o'clock in the morning!" He closes the door and returns to bed.

"Who was it?" asks his wife.

"Just a stranger asking for a push," he answers.

"Did you help him? she asks.

"No I didn't, it's three in the morning"

"Well you've got a short memory" says his wife, "Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down on holiday and those two guys helped us?. I think you should help him." The man does as he is told and returns to the front door and calls out into the dark "Hello, are you still there?"

"Yes," comes the answer.

"Do you still want a push?" calls out the husband.

"Yes please!" comes the reply from the dark.

"Where are you?" asks the husband.

"Over here. On the swing," the man replies.


----------



## Dr.G.

Good one, Sinc. A non-sexual joke can still make it to the top of the laugh chart.


----------



## Dr.G.

Upon entering a little country store, a stranger noticed a sign on the door that read "DANGER! BEWARE OF Doxie!" Inside he noticed a harmless old Dachshund asleep on the floor besides the cash register. 

He asked the store manager, "Is *that* the Doxie folks are supposed to beware of?" "Yep, that's him," the manager replied. The stranger couldn't help but be amused. 

"That certainly doesn't look like a dangerous Doxie to me," he said. "Why in the world would you post that sign?" 

"Because," the manager replied, "before I posted that sign, people kept tripping over him."


----------



## SINC

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson go on a camping trip, set up their tent, and fall asleep. Some hours later, Holmes wakes his faithful friend. 

"Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see." 

Watson replies, "I see millions of stars." 

"What does that tell you?" 

Watson ponders for a minute. "Astronomically speaking, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Timewise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, it's evident the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?" 

Holmes is silent for a moment, then speaks. "Watson, you idiot, it tells you someone has stolen our tent."


----------



## CubaMark

At Heathrow Airport in England, a 300-foot red carpet was stretched out to Air Force One and President Bush strode forward to receive a warm but dignified handshake from Queen Elizabeth II.

They rode in a silver 1934 Bentley to the edge of central London where they boarded an open 17th century coach hitched to six magnificent white horses.

As they rode toward Buckingham Palace, each looking to their side and waving to the thousands of cheering Britons lining the streets, all was going well. This was indeed a glorious display of pageantry and dignity.

Suddenly the scene was shattered when the right rear horse let rip the most horrendous, earth-shattering, eye-smarting blast of flatulence and the coach immediately filled with noxious fumes.

Uncomfortable, but maintaining control, the two dignitaries did their best to ignore the whole incident, but then the Queen decided that was a ridiculous manner with which to handle a most embarrassing situation.

She turned to Mr. Bush and explained, "Mr. President, please accept my regrets. I'm sure you understand that there are some things even a Queen cannot control."

George W. (ever the Texas gentleman) replied, "Your Majesty, please don't give the matter another thought. You know, if you hadn't said anything , I would have assumed it was one of the horses."


----------



## MacAndy

George Bush is attending a conference of the Small Business Association, and delivers a well-thought-out and succinct speech. Right at the end, he wraps up by saying ".. because we all know what the S.B.A. stands for... Small Business... Group."

OK, maybe not a joke, but the current president surely *is* one. This is true, it actually happened.


----------



## The Doug

*Topiary*

Hmm. I was thinking of trimming our hedge this weekend...


----------



## DP004

Three Women, Two Younger, And One Senior Citizen, Were Sitting Naked In A Sauna. Suddenly There Was A Beeping Sound. One Young Woman Pressed Her Forearm And The Beep Stopped. The Others Looked At Her Questioningly. "that Was My Pager," She Said. "i Have A Micro Chip Under The Skin Of My Arm."


A Few Minutes Later, There Was The Sound Of A Phone Ringing. The Second Young Woman Lifted Her Palm To Her Ear. When She Finished, She Explained, "that Was My Mobile Phone. I Have A Micro Chip In My Hand."


The Older Woman Felt Very Low Tech. So Not To Be Out Done, She Decided She Had To Do Something Just As Impressive. She Stepped Out Of The Sauna And Went To The Bathroom. She Returned With A Piece Of Toilet Paper Hanging From Her Rear End. The Other Ladies Raised Their Eyebrows And Stared At Her.

The Woman Looked Behind Her And Saw The Paper And Finally Said, "well, Will You Look At That....i'm Getting A Fax!!


----------



## simon

Midlife Crisis

Well, it's not a midlife crisis, but here's how things worked out for me.

Married 25 years, I took a look at my wife one day and said, "Honey, 25 years ago, we had a cheap apartment, a cheap car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10 inch black and white TV, but I got to sleep every night with a hot 25 year old blond. Now, we have a nice house, nice car, big bed and plasma screen TV, but I'm sleeping with a 50 year old woman. It seems to me that you are not holding up your side of things."

My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go out and find a hot 25 year old blond, and she would make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap apartment, driving a cheap car, sleeping on a sofa bed.


----------



## markceltic

A man goes into the church confessional to confess his sins..... 

The priest asked, "What did you do, my son?" 

"I lusted," Alburt replied. 

"Tell me about it," the priest said. 

Alburt then related his story. "Father, I am a delivery man for UPS. Yesterday I was making a delivery in the affluent section of the city. When I rang the bell, the door opened and there stood the most beautiful woman I have ever seen!! She had long blonde hair and eyes like emeralds. She was dressed in a sheer dressing gown that showed her perfect figure. And then she asked seductively if I would like to come in." 

"And, what did you do, my son?" asked the priest. 

"Father, I did not go in her house .....but I lusted. Oh, how I lusted!!" replied Alburt. 

"Your sin has been forgiven," replied the priest. "You will get your reward in heaven, my son." 

"A reward, Father? Gosh!! ....What do you think my reward might be?" Alburt asked excitedly. 

The priest replied, ".....Well, I think a bale of hay would be most appropriate ...you dumb ass!


----------



## RevMatt

Words defy me....


The video ad is particularly amusing.


----------



## Dr.G.

This is worth its weight in gold. I hear that their sales have reached the $1 billion US mark as of the end of the last quarter.


----------



## RevMatt

*Rubber Hits the Road*

On a related note to the above:

------ July 4, 2006 3:15PM ----------------------
Truck Spills Its Load

The rubber truly hit the road recently when two tractor-trailers collided in Canada.
One, carrying thousands of condoms, jackknifed and flipped onto its side, blocking a highway's east lanes and snarling traffic for hours.

Preliminary investigation indicated the condom-filled truck was headed east behind the other rig when the first driver slammed on the brakes, and the other one took it from behind.

Full story here


(Summary courtesy of Beer.com)


----------



## RevMatt




----------



## RevMatt

God’s Thoughts on Lawns
GOD: Frank, you know all about gardens and nature. What in the world is going on down there on the planet? What happened to the dandelions, violets, thistle and stuff I started eons ago? I had a perfect no-maintenance garden plan. Those plants grow in any type of soil, withstand drought and multiply with abandon. The nectar from the long-lasting blossoms attracts butterflies, honeybees and flocks of songbirds. I expected to see a vast garden of colors by now. But, all I see are these green rectangles. 
St. FRANCIS; It's the tribes that settled there, Lord. The Suburbanites. They started calling your flowers "weeds" and went to great lengths to kill them and replace them with grass. 
GOD: Grass? But, it's so boring. It's not colourful. It doesn't attract butterflies, birds and bees; only grubs and sod worms. It's sensitive to temperatures. Do these Suburbanites really want all that grass growing there? 
ST. FRANCIS: Apparently so, Lord. They go to great pains to grow it and keep it green. They begin each spring by fertilizing grass and poisoning any other plant that crops up in the lawn. 
GOD: The spring rains and warm weather probably make grass grow really fast. That must make the Suburbanites happy. 
ST. FRANCIS: Apparently not, Lord. As soon as it grows a little, they cut it-sometimes twice a week. 
GOD: They cut it? Do they then bail it like hay?
ST. FRANCIS: Not exactly, Lord. Most of them rake it up and put it in bags. 
GOD: They bag it? Why? Is it a cash crop? Do they sell it? 
ST. FRANCIS: No, Sir, just the opposite. They pay to throw it away.
GOD: Now, let me get this straight. They fertilize grass so it will grow. And, when it does grow, they cut it off and pay to throw it away?
ST. FRANCIS: Yes, Sir. 
GOD: These Suburbanites must be relieved in the summer when we cut back on the rain and turn up the heat. That surely slows the growth and saves them a lot of work. 
ST. FRANCIS: You aren't going to believe this, Lord. When the grass stops growing so fast, they drag out hoses and pay more money to water it so they can continue to mow it and pay to get rid of it.
GOD: What nonsense. At least they kept some of the trees. That was a sheer stroke of genius, if I do say so myself. The trees grow leaves in the spring to provide beauty and shade in the summer. In the autumn, they fall to the ground and form a natural blanket to keep moisture in the soil and protect the trees and bushes. It's a natural cycle of life. 
ST, FRANCIS: You better sit down, Lord. The Suburbanites have drawn a new circle. As soon as the leaves fall, they rake them into great piles and pay to have them hauled away. 
GOD: No.!What do they do to protect the shrub and tree roots in the winter to keep the soil moist and loose? 
ST. FRANCIS: After throwing away the leaves, they go out and buy something which they call mulch. They haul it home and spread it around in place of the leaves. 
GOD: And where do they get this mulch? 
ST FRANCIS: They cut down trees and grind them up to make the mulch.
GOD: Enough! I don't want to think about this anymore. St. Catherine, you're in charge of the arts. What movie have you scheduled for us tonight?
ST. CATHERINE: "Dumb and Dumber," Lord. It's a story about....
GOD: Never mind, I think I just heard the whole story from St Francis.


----------



## MACSPECTRUM

Some of you may know my ex-wife. She had started taking flying lessons about the time our divorce started and she got her license shortly before our divorce was final, later that same year. Yesterday afternoon, she narrowly escaped injury in the aircraft she was piloting when she was forced to make an emergency landing in Southern Ontario because of bad weather. Some could call it a crash; an accident at the least. 

National Transportation Safety Board officials have issued a preliminary determination citing pilot error contributed to the accident, and my ex-wife was flying a single engine aircraft (a basic model, at best) in IFR (instrument flight rating) conditions while only having obtained a VFR (visual flight rating) rating. 

The absence of a post-crash fire was likely due to insufficient fuel on board. No one on the ground was injured.

Photograph below was taken at the scene show the extent of damage to her aircraft.

She was very lucky.


----------



## Dr.G.

Michael, it is good thing that this is a joke, or your ex would certainly come to haunt you. Paix, mon ami.


----------



## MACSPECTRUM

Dr.G. said:


> Michael, it is good thing that this is a joke, or your ex would certainly come to haunt you. Paix, mon ami.


are you offering to kill her so that she can haunt me?
let me think about that one (just kidding for the new Bell/CSIS internet spying cabal)


----------



## Dr.G.

Michael, the question was rhetorical. I thought that you were single?


----------



## MACSPECTRUM

THE SASKATCHEWAN FARMER:

A man owned a small farm outside Regina. Employment Standards
claimed he was not paying proper wages to his help and sent an
agent out to interview him.

"I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them,"
demanded the agent.

"Well, there's my hired hand who's been with me for 3 years. I pay
him $600 a week plus free room and board.

The cook has been here for 18 months, and I pay her $500 a month
plus free room and board.

Then there's the half-wit that works here about 18 hours a day. He
makes $10 a week and I buy him a bottle of rye every week," replied
the farmer.

"That's the guy I want to talk to; the half-wit," says the agent."

The farmer says, "That would be me."


----------



## The Doug

<u>*The Mechanic's Tool Guide*</u>

*HAMMER:* Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate expensive parts not far from the object we are trying to hit.

*MECHANIC'S KNIFE:* Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on boxes containing seats and motorcycle jackets.

*ELECTRIC HAND DRILL:* Normally used for spinning steel pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age, but it also works great for drilling mounting holes in fenders just above the brake line that goes to the rear wheel.

*PLIERS:* Used to round off bolt heads.

*HACKSAW:* One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

*VISE-GRIPS:* Used to round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

*OXY-ACETELENE TORCH:* Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your garage on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside a brake drum you're trying to get the bearing race out of.

*WHITWORTH SOCKETS:* Once used for working on older British cars and motorcycles, they are now used mainly for impersonating that 9/16 or 1/2 socket you've been searching for the last 15 minutes.

*DRILL PRESS:* A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, splattering it against that freshly painted part you were drying.

*WIRE WHEEL:* Cleans rust off old bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprint whorls and hard-earned guitar callouses in about the time it takes you to say, "Ouc...."

*HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK:* Used for lowering a motorcycle to the ground after you have installed your new front disk brake setup, trapping the jack handle firmly under the front fender.

*EIGHT-FOOT LONG DOUGLAS FIR 2" x 4":* Used for levering a motorcycle upward off an hydraulic jack.

*TWEEZERS:* A tool for removing wood splinters.

*PHONE:* Tool for calling your neighbor to see if he has another hydraulic floor jack.

*SNAP-ON GASKET SCRAPER:* Theoretically useful as a sandwich tool for spreading mayonnaise; used mainly for getting dog-doo off your boot.

*E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR:* A tool that snaps off in bolt holes and is ten times harder than any known drill bit.

*TIMING LIGHT:* A stroboscopic instrument for illuminating grease buildup.

*TWO-TON HYDRAULIC ENGINE HOIST:* A handy tool for testing the tensile strength of ground straps and brake lines you may have forgotten to disconnect.

*CRAFTSMAN 1/2" x 16" SCREWDRIVER:* A large motor mount prying tool that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end without the handle.

*BATTERY ELECTROLYTE TESTER:* A handy tool for transferring sulfuric acid from a car battery to the inside of your toolbox after determining that your battery is dead as a doornail, just as you thought.

*AVIATION METAL SNIPS:* See hacksaw.

*TROUBLE LIGHT:* The mechanic's own tanning booth. Sometimes called a drop light, it is a good source of vitamin D, "the sunshine vitamin," which is not otherwise found under motorcycles at night. Health benefits aside, its main purpose is to consume 40-watt light bulbs at about the same rate that 105-mm howitzer shells might be used during, say, the first few hours of the Battle of the Bulge. More often dark than light, its name is somewhat misleading.

*PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER:* Normally used to stab the lids of old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splash oil on your shirt; can also be used, as the name implies, to round off Phillips screw heads.

*AIR COMPRESSOR:* A machine that takes energy produced in a coal-burning power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into compressed air that travels by hose to a Chicago Pneumatic impact wrench that grips rusty bolts last tightened 60 years ago by someone in Springfield, and rounds them off.

*PRY BAR:* A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

*HOSE CUTTER:* A tool used to cut hoses 1/2 inch too short.


----------



## RevMatt




----------



## The Doug

*A Bit Of Engrish*

Bought a new fan for the house yesterday and quickly found the instructions were kind of amusing.

*The operating instructions of the remote control standard fan*
- OFF Press the OFF key, all the working state will be cancel.
- TIMER Press this key it will be in the wind speed state, the related indicator light will be on. The following diagram shows the order of the time setting: 1 hour > 2 hour > 4 hour > Continue
- ON/Speed Press the key it will be in wind speed state, the related indicator light will be on. The following diagram shows the order of the wind flow: Weak > Middle > Strong > Recycle

*The using instructions of the remote control*
- The using range of the remote control must be within 8 meter away from the receiver. If the remote control isn't faced to the receiver, the using range will be narrowed.
- If this fan is used in the room with operating high-power machines, the remote control will be out of order.
- If you don't use the remote control, please take the cell out and keep it well.

*Products characteristics*
- It is super-mute when it works. It's stinkless and has low bromine.
- It's made of imported material. It's light and durable. The precision of the mould (precise size and high smooth finish) is very high. It's bright and clean like the mirror.

*Maintenance and preservation*
- Before the fan stops, it should be cleaned and kept well.
- The greasy dirt of the fan fuselage and fan blade should be cleaned so as not to change its colour or be damaged.
- Don't wipe it with acid detergent, lamp oil, alcohol or chemical cloth in case its colour be changed or go bad.


----------



## Cameo

A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day, only tobe confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner."
Good morning, said the young man. If I could take a couple of
minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in
high-powered vacuum cleaners."
"Go away!" said the old lady. "I haven't got any money!" and she
proceeded to close the door.
Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed
it wide open. "Don't be too hasty!" he said. "Not until you have at least seen my demonstration."
And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto her hallway
carpet.
"If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this ! horse
manure from your carpet, Madam , I will personally eat the remainder"
The old lady stepped back and said, "Well I hope you've got a
damned good appetite, because they cut off my electricity this morning."


----------



## MickMac

Four U.S. presidents found themselves in the land of Oz. After travelling the yellow brick road for a while they made it to the Emerald city and approached the Wizard.

Richard Nixon spoke first. "I'm told I need a heart. Can you help me out?"

"No problem, consider it done!" replied the booming voice.

"Umm, I guess I need some courage," Jimmy Carter squeaked timidly.

"Taken care of!" said the wiz.

"The American people say I need a brain." George W. Bush looked a bit confused.

"I can even help with that," the wizard replied.

He waited for the fourth president to speak up, then became impatient. "Well? What do you want? Come on, hurry up!"

"Uh," Bill Clinton looked around, "is Dorothy here?"​


----------



## markceltic

An unattractive, mean spirited woman barged into Wal-Mart with her
two kids. Shoving her way past several customers waiting to get
carts, she demanded of the Wal-Mart Greeter, "Go through those carts
and find me one that doesn't need oiling for once!"

"Yes, Ma'am, happy to oblige," said the Greeter. He chose a cart for
her.

"Here you are, Ma'am. I hope this one is okay.'

"If you'd move out of the way, I could find out!" snapped the woman.

"Sorry, Ma'am," the Greeter said, standing aside. "You and the twins
have a nice day."

The woman halted. "They're not twins, you moron! They don't even look
alike."

The greeter agreed. "No they don't, Ma'am. I just find it hard to
believe you got laid twice."


----------



## RevMatt

http://bash.org/?9186

(this quote is quite clean. Many others on that site are not. Go exploring at your own risk)


----------



## MissGulch

An American, a Scot and a Canuk were in a terrible car accident. They were all brought to the same emergency room, but all three of them died before they arrived. Just as they were about to put the toe tag on the American, he stirred and opened his eyes. Astonished, the doctors and nurses present asked him what happened.

"Well," said the American, "I remember the crash, and then there was a beautiful light, and then the Canadian and the Scot and I were standing at the gates of heaven. St. Peter approached us and said that we were all too young to die, and that for a donation of $100, we could return to the earth."

He continued, " So of course, I pulled out my wallet and gave him the $100, and the next thing I knew I was back here."

"That's amazing!" said one of the doctors, "But what happened to the other two?"

"Last I saw them," replied the American, "the Scot was haggling over the price and the Canadian was waiting for the government to pay for his."


----------



## Deep Blue

*Big Breath*

A girl goes to her GP and asks to have a full medical.

The doctor goes through the full gamut of tests, prodding and analysing the girl from top to bottom.

He then takes his stethoscope, places it on her chest and says, "Big breath."

And the girl replies, 

"Yeth, I know, and I'm only Thithteen!"


----------



## SINC

A first grade teacher in Toronto explains to her class that she is a Maple Leafs fan. She asks her students to raise their hands if they, too, are Maple Leafs fans.

Everyone in the class raises their hand except one little girl. The teacher looks at the girl with surprise and says, "Janie, why didn't you raise your hand?"

"Because I'm not a Maple Leafs fan," she replied.

The teacher, still shocked, asked, "Well, if you are not a Maple Leafs fan, then who are you a fan of?"

"I am a Canadiens fan, and proud of it," Janie replied.

The teacher could not believe her ears. "Janie, why pray tell are you a Canadiens fan?"

"Because my mom is a Canadiens fan, and my dad is Canadiens fan, so I'm a Canadiens fan too!"

"Well," said the teacher in a obviously annoyed tone, "That is no reason for you to be a Canadiens fan. You don't have to be just like your parents all of the time. What if your mom were a moron and your dad were a moron, what would you be then?"

"Then," Janie smiled, "I'd be a Maple Leafs fan."


----------



## RevMatt

:lmao: :clap: :lmao:


----------



## Dr.G.

Good one, Matt.


----------



## SINC

The Company decided that we could hold a Company picnic. Due to liability issues, we could have alcohol, but would be limited to one drink per person.



I was in charge of the cups:


----------



## SINC

I was in Wal-Mart buying a large bag of Purina for my Labrador Retriever and was in line to check out. A woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

On impulse, I told her that no, I was starting The Purina Diet again, although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry & that the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again.

I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story, particularly a tall guy behind her. Horrified, she asked if I'd been poisoned and was that why I was in the hospital. I said no.....I'd been sitting in the street licking my balls and a car hit me.

I thought the tall guy was going to have to be carried out the door.


----------



## Dr.G.

Good one, Sinc. Actually, if you knew what they put in commercial dog food, you would not feed it to your worst enemy.


----------



## Deep Blue

I believe the Beijing brand of Purina has ground up dissident in it.

(No, that's not very PC but I DON'T CARE!)


----------



## markceltic

Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says:

"Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?"

Slim says, "I feel just like a new-born baby."

"Really!? Like a new-born baby!?"

"Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants.


----------



## iLabmAn

Hey.

I was in BIG trouble when I forgot our wedding anniversary.

"Tomorrow," my wife angrily told me, "there had better be something
in our driveway that goes from zero to 200 in two seconds flat!"

The next morning, my wife looked outside and saw a small package
in the driveway. She brought it inside, opened it, and found a brand new 
bathroom scale.

My funeral is on Sunday at 2 p.m.


----------



## Beej

Sorry to those who've seen this before.

View attachment spy.bmp


----------



## SINC

One Sunday a pastor asked his congregation to consider giving a little extra in the offering plate. He said that whoever gave the most would be able to pick out three hymns.

After the offering plates were passed, the pastor glanced down and noticed that someone had contributed a $1,000 bill. He was so excited that he immediately shared his joy with his congregation, and said he'd like to personally thank the person who had placed the money in the plate. 

A very quiet, elderly, saintly widow shyly raised her hand. The pastor asked her to come to the front. Slowly she made her way to the pastor. He told her how wonderful it was that she gave so much and asked her to pick out three hymns. 

Her eyes brightened as she looked over the congregation, pointed to the three handsomest men in the building and said, "I'll take him and him and him."


----------



## SINC

A drunken man staggered into a Catholic church, sat down in the Confessional and said nothing. The priest is waiting and waiting and waiting. 

The priest coughs to attract the drunk man's attention, but still the man says nothing. 

The priest then knocks on the wall three times in a final attempt to get the man to speak.

Finally the drunk replies, "No use knockin,' pal. There's no paper here either."


----------



## SINC

A little boy opened the big and old family Bible with fascination, and looked at the old pages as he turned them. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible, and he picked it up and looked at it closely. It was an old leaf from a tree that had been pressed inbetween the pages.

"Momma, look what I found," the boy called out.

"What have you got there, dear?" his mother asked. With astonishment, he claimed: "I think it's Adam's suit!"


----------



## MACSPECTRUM

FOUR RELIGIOUS TRUTHS

1. Muslims do not recognize Jews as God's chosen people.

2. Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah.

3. Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of
the Christian World.

4. Baptists do not recognize each other at Hooters


----------



## MACSPECTRUM

NEVER SAY TO A COP
1. I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer. (OK in Texas)
2. Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.
3.Aren't you the guy from the Village People?
4. Hey, you must've been doin' about 125 mph to keep up with me. Good job!
5. Are You Andy or Barney?
6. I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a
police officer.
7. You're not gonna check the trunk, are you?
8. I pay your salary!
9. Gee, Officer! That's terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning,
too!
10. Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does.
11. I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there are no other
cars around.. That's how far ahead of me they are.
.
.
and....
.
.
12. When the Officer says "Gee ....Your eyes look red, have you been
drinking?" You probably shouldn't respond with,"Gee Officer your eyes look
glazed, have you been eating doughnuts?"

[cue Paul Shaffer]


----------



## SINC

In Jerusalem, a female CNN journalist heard about a very old Jewish man who had been going to the Western Wall to pray, twice a day, everyday, for
a long, long time. 

So she went to check it out. She went to the Western Wall and there he was walking slowly up to the holy site. She watched him pray and after about 45 minutes, when he turned to leave, using a cane in a very slow fashion, she approached him for an interview. 

"I'm Rebecca Smith from CNN. Sir, how long have you been coming to the Western Wall and praying?"

"For about 60 years."

"60 years! That's amazing! What do you pray for?"

"I pray for peace between the Christians, Jews and the Muslims. I pray for all the hatred to stop and I pray for all our children to grow up in safety and friendship."

"How do you feel after doing this for 60 years?"

"Like I'm talking to a friggin' wall."


----------



## SINC

Two bats are hanging in their cave. One turns to the other and says, "Oh, I'm really thirsty for some fresh blood."

The other bat is amazed and says, "Well, it’s a bit late. Daylight is almost here, and we can't be exposed to any light - you know we'll die." 

"Yeah, I know," says the first bat, "but I'm really starving for it." So he flies out of the cave and returns five minutes later with blood dripping from his mouth.

"You lucky thing. Where'd you find blood that quick?" asked the second bat.

"You see that tree over there in the distance?" mumbled the bat, his mouth full of blood.

"Yeah, I think I do!"

"Well, I didn't."


----------



## MLeh

An email I just got. I had to share it IMMEDIATELY:  (Mostly for Sinc. )

*History 101*
Humans existed as members of small bands of nomadic hunter/gatherers. 
They lived on deer in the mountains during the summer & would go to 
the coast and live on fish and lobster in winter. The 2 most 
important events in all of history were the invention of beer and the 
invention of the wheel. 

The wheel was invented to get man to the beer. These were the foundation of
modern civilization and together were the catalyst for the splitting of
humanity into 2 distinct subgroups: Liberals and Conservatives.

Once beer was discovered it required grain and that was the beginning of
agriculture. Neither the glass bottle nor aluminum can were invented yet, so
while our early human ancestors were sitting around waiting for them to be
invented, they just stayed close to the brewery. That's how villages were
formed. Some men spent their days tracking and killing animals to B-B-Q at
night while they were drinking beer. This was the beginning of what is
known as "the Conservative movement."

Other men who were weaker and less skilled at hunting learned to live off
the conservatives by showing up for the nightly B-B-Q's and doing the
sewing, fetching and hair dressing. This was the beginning of the Liberal
movement. Some of these liberal men eventually evolved into women. The rest
became known as 'girliemen.' 

Some noteworthy liberal achievements include the domestication of cats, the
invention of group therapy and group hugs and the concept of Democratic
voting to decide how to divide the meat and beer that conservatives
provided.

Over the years conservatives came to be symbolized by the largest, most
powerful land animal on earth, the elephant. Liberals are symbolized by
the jackass. Modern liberals like imported beer (with lime added), but
most prefer white wine or imported bottled water. They eat raw fish but
like their beef well done. Sushi , tofu, and French food are standard
liberal fare.

Another interesting revolutionary side note: most of their women have
higher testosterone levels than their men. Most social workers, personal
injury attorneys, journalists, dreamers in Hollywood and group therapists
are liberals. Liberals invented the designated hitter rule because it
wasn't "fair" to make the pitcher also bat.Conservatives drink domestic
beer. They eat red meat and still provide for their women. 

Conservatives are big-game hunters, rodeo cowboys, lumberjacks,
construction workers, firemen, medical doctors, police officers, corporate
executives, Marines, athletes and generally anyone who works
productively. Conservatives who own companies hire other conservatives who
want to work for a living.

Liberals produce little or nothing. They like to "govern" the producers and
decide what to do with the production. Liberals believe Europeans are more
enlightened than Americans. That is why most of the liberals remained in
Europe when conservatives were coming to America. They crept in after the
Wild West was tame and created a business of trying to get MORE for
nothing.

Here ends today's lesson in world history: It should be noted that a
Liberal may have a momentary urge to respond to the above before simply
laughing and forwarding it. A Conservative will be so convinced of the
absolute truth of this history that it will be forwarded immediately.


----------



## SINC

One good turn deserves another:

An 83-year old woman decided that she'd seen and done everything, and the time had come to depart from this world. 

After considering various methods of doing away with herself, she came to the conclusion that the quickest and surest method would be to shoot herself through the heart. The trouble was, she wasn't certain about exactly where her heart was, so she phoned her doctor and asked him. He told her that her heart was located two inches below her left nipple. 

So she shot herself in the left kneecap.


----------



## MaxPower

NEW YORK -- A public school teacher was arrested today at John F. Kennedy International Airport as he attempted to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a set square, a slide rule and a calculator.
At a morning press conference, Attorney General Alberto Gonzales said he believes the man is a member of the notorious Al-gebra movement.

He did not identify the man, who has been charged by the FBI with carrying weapons of math instruction.

"Al-gebra is a problem for us," Gonzales said. "They desire solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in search of absolute values.

They use secret code names like 'x' and 'y' and refer to themselves as 'unknowns', but we have determined they belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every country.

As the Greek philanderer Isosceles used to say, 'There are 3 sides to every triangle'."

When asked to comment on the arrest, George W. Bush said, "If God had wanted us to have better weapons of math instruction, He would have given us more fingers and toes."

Aides told reporters they could not recall a more intelligent or profound statement by the President.


----------



## SINC

*Here are some incredibly useful phrases you can use when in the workplace...*

If you don’t know what it is, call it an ‘issue’…

If you don’t know how it works, call it a ‘process’…

If you don’t know whether its worth doing, call it an ‘option’…

If you don’t know how it could possibly be done call it a ‘challenge’ or an ‘exciting opportunity’…

If you want to confuse people, ask them about ‘customers’…

If you don’t know how to do something, ‘empower’ someone else to do it for you…

If you can’t take decisions, ‘create space’ for others to operate…

If you need a decision, call a ‘workshop’ to ‘network’ and ‘ground

the issue’, followed by an ‘awayday’ to ‘position the elephant in the room’ and achieve ‘buy-in’…

Never criticize or boast, call it ‘information sharing’…

Never call something a failure or mistake, its a ‘positive learning experience’…

Never argue, have an ‘adult conversation’…


----------



## SINC

Hehehe:


----------



## RevMatt

Don!  

Very funny, though


----------



## markceltic

Perks of Getting Older
1. Kidnappers are not very interested in you.
2. In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.
3. No one expects you to run--anywhere.
4. People call at 9 pm and ask, " Did I wake you ???? "
5. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.
6. There is nothing left to learn the hard way.
7. Things you buy now won't wear out.
8. You can eat dinner at 4 pm.
9. You can live without sex but not without your glasses.
10. You get into heated arguments about pension plans.
11. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
12. You quit trying to hold your stomach in no matter who walks
into the room.
13. You sing along with elevator music.
14. Your eyes won't get much worse.
15. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to
pay off.
16. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the
national weather service.
17. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't
remember them either.
18. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable
size.
19. You can't remember who sent you this list ANDyou notice 
these are all in Big Print for your convenience.


----------



## SINC

A couple of weeks back when we were away, they finally completed the remodelling of our neighbourhood Safeway store, a welcome thing as it was getting a bit shabby. Was quite a surprise when I shopped there for the first time.

It has an automatic water mister to keep the produce fresh. Just before it goes on, you hear the sound of distant thunder and the smell of fresh rain. When you approach the milk cases, you hear cows mooing and smell the scent of fresh hay. When you approach the egg case, you hear hens cluck and cackle and the air is filled with the aroma of bacon and eggs frying. The veggie department features the smell of fresh buttered corn. I don't buy toilet paper there any more.


----------



## duosonic

REAL NEWSPAPER ADS 

FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER. 
8 years old. Hateful little dog. Bites. 

FREE PUPPIES: 
1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbor's dog.

FREE PUPPIES... 
Mother, AKC German Shepherd. 
Father, Super Dog...able to leap tall fences in a single bound.

FOUND DIRTY WHITE DOG. 
Looks like a rat ... been out a while. 
Better be a reward.

COWS, CALVES: NEVER BRED. 
Also 1 gay bull for sale.

NORDIC TRACK 
$300 Hardly used, call Chubby.

GEORGIA PEACHES 
California grown - 89 cents lb. 

JOINING NUDIST COLONY! 
Must sell washer and dryer $300.

WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE. 
WORN ONCE BY MISTAKE. 
Call Stephanie.


----------



## RevMatt

Good stuff!!


----------



## RevMatt

While I was watching the Masters this weekend, my wife and I got into a conversation about life and death, and the need for living wills.
During the course of the conversation I told her that I never wanted to exist in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and taking fluids from a bottle. She got up, unplugged the TV and threw out all my beer.

.....Sometimes it's tough being married to a smartass.


----------



## The Doug

:lmao:


----------



## SINC




----------



## SINC

EXERCISE FOR US MORE MATURE PEOPLE . . .

A friend just shared this exercise suggested for seniors to build muscle strength in the arms and shoulders. It's so easy; I thought I'd pass it on. The article suggested doing it three times a week.

Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of room at each side. With a 5-pound potato sack in each hand, extend your arms straight out from your sides and hold them there as long as you can. Try to reach a full minute, then relax.

Each day, you'll find that you can hold this position for just a bit longer. After a couple of weeks, move up to 10-pound potato sacks.

Then use 50-pound potato sacks, and eventually try to get to where you can lift a 100-pound potato sack in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute.

After you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each of the sacks.


----------



## The Doug




----------



## MaxPower

A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen. "Careful," he said, "CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my GOD! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my GOD! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful ... CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!"
The wife stared at him. " What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?"

The husband calmly replied, "I wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving."


----------



## Dr.G.

MP, if I passed this joke on to my wife I fear the reaction..........in that this is what she does when I am cooking.


----------



## Dr.G.

My wife just sent me this

http://www.flashfunpages.com/couple.swf


----------



## SINC

A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool. 

After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.

The waitress asked kindly, "Crushed nuts?"

"No," he replied, "arthritis."


----------



## MaxPower

SINC said:


> A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool.
> 
> After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.
> 
> The waitress asked kindly, "Crushed nuts?"
> 
> "No," he replied, "arthritis."


.....aaaand rim shot.


----------



## SINC

MaxPower said:


> .....aaaand rim shot.


Three old guys are out walking.

First one says, "Windy, isn't it?"

Second one says, "No, its Thursday!"

Third one says, "So am I. Let's go get a beer."


----------



## SINC

This one's for all the gals. 

Eggs

She was in the kitchen making the boiled eggs for breakfast.

He walked in and asked "What's for breakfast?"

She turned to him and said, "You've got to make love to me this very moment."

He, thinking it's his lucky day, bends her over the kitchen table and they make love.

Afterwards, he happily says, "What was that all about?"

She says "The egg timer is broken!"


----------



## RevMatt

SINC, we are learning far more about you then we really want to...


----------



## Pelao

> She says "The egg timer is broken!"


Now, were those eggs soft or hard boiled. Could make a big difference to the guy's rep....


----------



## djstp

here is one i got in an email yesterday...


I used to have a Labrador retriever & I was buying a large bag of Purina
at Wal-Mart and was in line to check out. A woman behind me asked if I
had a dog(?)... (here's your sign)...On impulse, I told her that no, I
was starting The Purina Diet again, although I probably shouldn't
because I'd ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50
pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out
of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that
it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply
eat one or two every time you feel hungry & that the food is
nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again. I have to mention
here that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my
story, particularly a guy who was behind her.

Horrified, she asked if I had been poisoned by the food and that is why
I ended up in the hospital. I told her no; that I'd been sitting in the
street licking my balls and a car hit me.

I thought the checkout guy was going to die on the spot.


----------



## rgray

Doctors:

a.. The number of doctors in Canada is 700,000
b.. Accidental deaths caused by physicians per year are 120,000
c.. Accidental deaths per physician is 17.14%

Statistics courtesy of the Canadian Dept of Health & Human Services.

Guns:

a.. The number of guns owned in Canada is 80,000,000
b.. The number of accidental gun deaths per year, all age groups, is 1,500
c.. The number of accidental deaths per gun owner is 0.001875%

Statistics courtesy of the RCMP.

So statistically, doctors are approximately 9,000 times more dangerous than gun owners.

Remember, guns don't kill people, doctors do.

FACT: NOT EVERYONE HAS A GUN BUT ALMOST EVERYONE HAS AT LEAST ONE DOCTOR!

Please alert your friends to this alarming threat. We must ban doctors before this gets completely out of hand!!!

Out of concern for the public at large I have withheld statistics on lawyers for fear the shock would cause people to panic and seek medical attention.


----------



## simon

A young man joined the Army and signed up to be a paratrooper. He went through the standard training, completed the practice jumps from higher and higher structures and finally went to take his first jump from an airplane. The next day he called home to tell his father the news.

"So, did you jump?" asked the father. "Well, let me tell you what happened. We got up in the plane, and the sergeant opened up the door and asked for volunteers. About a dozen men got up and just walked out of the plane."

"Is that when you jumped?" asked his father. "Uh, no, I didn't. The sergeant started to grab the other men one at a time and throw them out the plane."

"Did you jump then?" asked his father. "I'm getting to that. Everyone else had jumped and I was the last man left on the plane. I told the sergeant that I was too scared to jump. He told me to get off the plane or he'd kick my butt."

"So, did you jump?" the father again asked. "No. He tried to push me out of the plane, but I grabbed onto the door and refused to go. Finally he called the Jump Master over. The Jump Master is this great big guy, about six-foot-five and 250 pounds. He said to me, Are you gonna jump or not? I said, No sir, I'm too scared. So the Jump Master picked up a big bazooka! I swear Dad it was huge! He said, Either you jump out that door or I'm sticking this little baby where the sun don’t shine."

"So, did you jump?" asked his father.

"Well, a little, at first"


----------



## Deep Blue

*Royalty on a Plane*

Joke or apocryphal story?

My flight was being served by an obviously gay
flight attendant, who seemed to put everyone in a good mood as he served us food and drinks. As the plane prepared to descend, he came swishing down the aisle and told us that "Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that he'll be landing the big scary plane shortly, so lovely people, if you could just put
your trays up, that would be super."

On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed this
well-dressed and rather Arabic looking woman hadn't
moved a muscle. "Perhaps yo u didn't hear me over
those big brute engines but I asked you to raise your 
trazy-poo, so the main man can pitty-pat us on the
ground." She calmly turned her head and said, "In
my country, I am called a Princess and I take orders
from no one."

To which (I swear) the flight attendant replied, 
without missing a beat, "Well, sweet- cheeks, in my
country I'm called a Queen, so I outrank you.
Tray-up, Bitch."


----------



## MACSPECTRUM

*Not your day*

While walking through the woods a man came upon another man hugging a tree with his ear firmly against the tree. Seeing this he inquired, "Just out of curiosity, what the heck are you doing?

"I'm listening to the music of the tree," the other man replied.

"You gotta be kiddin' me."

"No, would you like to give it a try?"

Understandably curious, the man says, "Well, OK..." So he wrapped his arms around the tree and pressed his ear up against it.

With this, the other guy, slapped a pair of handcuffs on him, took his wallet, jewelry, car keys, then stripped him naked and left.

Two hours later another nature lover strolled by, saw this guy handcuffed to the tree stark naked, and asked, "What the hell happened to you?"

He told the guy the whole terrible story about how he got there.

When he finished telling his story, the other guy shook his head in sympathy, walked around behind him, kissed him gently behind the ear and said, 

"Man, this just ain't gonna be your day, cupcake."


----------



## Dr.G.

An American decided to write a book about famous churches around the world. So he bought a plane ticket and took a trip to Orlando, thinking that he would start by working his way across the USA from South to North.

On his first day he was inside a church taking photographs when he noticed a golden telephone mounted on the wall with a sign that read "$10,000 per call".

The American, being intrigued, asked a minister who was strolling by what the telephone was used for. The minister replied that it was a direct line to heaven and that for $10,000 you could talk to God.

The American thanked the priest and went along his way.

Next stop was in Atlanta. There, at a very large cathedral, he saw the same golden telephone with the same sign under it. He wondered if this was the same kind of telephone he saw in Orlando and he asked a nearby nun what its purpose was, and she told him that it was a direct line to heaven and that for $10,000 he could talk to God.

"O.K., thank you," said the American.

He then traveled to Indianapolis, Washington DC, Philadelphia, Boston and New York. In every church he saw the same golden telephone with the same "$10,000 per call" sign under it. The American, upon leaving Vermont decided to travel up to Canada to see if Canadians had the same phone.

He wanted to go as far to the east in Canada as he could travel, to he went to St.John's, NL. Again, in the first church he entered, there was the same golden telephone, but this time the sign under it read "40 cents per call." The American was surprised so he asked the priest about the sign. "Father, I've traveled all over America and I've seen this same golden telephone in many churches. I'm told that it is a direct line to Heaven, but in the US the price was $10,000 per call.

Why is it so cheap here?" The priest smiled and answered, "You're in Newfoundland and Labrador now, my son - it's a local call".


----------



## RevMatt

Hehehehehe. Good one


----------



## Carex

I believe the original for that joke had the words "Vancouver Island" in it for the local call. Everyone else can dream though.


----------



## SINC

Little Johnny was caught swearing by his teacher. 

"Johnny," she said, "you shouldn't use that kind of language. Where did you hear such talk, anyway?" 

"My daddy said it," he responded. 

"Well, that doesn't matter," explained the teacher. "You don't even know what it means." 

"I do, too!" Little Johnny retorted. "It means the car won't start."


----------



## Dr.G.

Sinc, I heard my father use those very same words when I was a boy and his car would not start.


----------



## Dr.G.

Sorry, Carex, but just like the name of the person laid in the "Tomb of the Unknown Soldier", the origin of this joke is "known but to God". Paix, mon ami.


----------



## simon

A couple was celebrating their golden wedding anniversary. Their domestic tranquility had long been the talk of the town. A local newspaper reporter was inquiring as to the secret of their long and happy marriage.

"Well, it dates back to our honeymoon," explained the man. "We visited the Grand Canyon and took a trip down to the bottom of the canyon by pack mule. We hadn't gone too far when my wife's mule stumbled. My wife quietly said, "That's once." We proceeded a little further and the mule stumbled again. Once more my wife quietly said, "That's twice." 

We hadn't gone a half-mile when the mule stumbled the third time. My wife quietly removed a revolver from her purse and shot the mule dead in its tracks. I got pretty upset. I started to complain over her treatment of the mule, when she looked at me, and quietly she said, "That's once".


----------



## The Doug

Q: Why don't snakes have balls?

A: They don't dance.


----------



## chuckster

*Why did the chicken cross the road?*

DR. PHIL: The problem we have here is that this chicken won't realize that he must first deal with the problem on "THIS" side of the road before it goes after the problem on the "OTHER SIDE" of the road. What we need to do is help him realize how stupid he's acting by not taking on his "CURRENT" problems before adding "NEW" problems.

OPRAH: Well I understand that the chicken is having problems, which is why he wants to cross this road so bad. So instead of having the chicken learn from his mistakes and take falls, which is a part of life, I'm going to give this chicken a car so that he can just drive across the road and not live his life like the rest of the chickens.

GEORGE W. BUSH: We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road, or not. The chicken is either against us, or for us. There is no middle ground here.

DONALD RUMSFELD: Now to the left of the screen, you can clearly see the satellite image of the chicken crossing the road.

ANDERSON COOPER/CNN: We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been allowed to have access to the other side of the road.

JOHN KERRY: Although I voted to let the chicken cross the road, I am now against it! It was the wrong road to cross, and I was misled about the chicken's intentions. I am for it now, and will remain against it.

JUDGE JUDY: That chicken crossed the road because he's GUILTY! You can see it in his eyes and the way he walks.

PAT BUCHANAN: To steal the job of a decent, hardworking American.

MARTHA STEWART: No one called me to warn me which way that chicken was going. I had a standing order at the Farmer's Market to sell my eggs when the price dropped to a certain level.

DR SEUSS: Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, the chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed I've not been told.

ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die in the rain. Alone.

JERRY FALWELL: Because the chicken was gay! Can't you people see the plain truth in front of your face? The chicken was going to the "other side." That's why they call it the "other side.Yes, my friends, that chicken is gay. And if you eat that chicken, you will become gay too. I say we boycott all chickens until we sort out this abomination that the liberal media whitewashes with seemingly harmless phrases like the other side." That chicken should not be free to cross the road. It's as plain and simple as that!

GRANDPA: In my day we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough.

BARBARA WALTERS: Isn't that interesting? In a few moments, we will be listening to the chicken tell, for the first time, the heart warming story of how it experienced a serious case of molting, and went on to accomplish its life long dream of crossing the road.

JOHN LENNON: Imagine all the chickens in the world crossing roads together - in peace.

ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.

ALBERT EINSTEIN: Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath the chicken?

BILL CLINTON: I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What is your definition of chicken?

AL GORE: I invented the chicken!

COLONEL SANDERS: Did I miss one?


----------



## The Doug

*Out Of Office Auto-Replies*

1. I am currently out at a job interview and will reply to you if I fail to get the position. Be prepared for my mood.

2. You are receiving this automatic notification because I am out of the office. If I was in, chances are you wouldn't have received anything at all.

3. I will be unable to delete all the unread, worthless emails you send me until I return from holiday on 4 April. Please be patient and your mail will be deleted in the order it was received.

4. Thank you for your email. Your credit card has been charged $5.99 for the first ten words and $1.99 for each additional word in your message.

5. The e-mail server is unable to verify your server connection and is unable to deliver this message. Please restart your computer and try sending again.
_(The beauty of this one is that when you return, you can see how many in-duh-viduals did this over and over)._

6. Thank you for your message, which has been added to a queuing system. You are currently in 352nd place, and can expect to receive a reply in approximately 19 weeks.

7. I've run away to join a different circus.

8. I will be out of the office for the next 2 weeks for medical reasons. When I return, please refer to me as 'Margaret' instead of 'Steve'.


----------



## winwintoo

The Doug said:


> *Out Of Office Auto-Replies*
> 
> 8. I will be out of the office for the next 2 weeks for medical reasons. When I return, please refer to me as 'Margaret' instead of 'Steve'.


Yikes, they told me it was an appendectomy    

Margaret


----------



## MissGulch

A strict Muslim, a moderate Muslim, and a liberal Muslim are walking down the street when they see a beautiful woman. The strict Muslim shouts, "God forbid!" The moderate says, "God is great!" or "Allahu akbar." And the liberal says, "Inshallah," or "God willing!"


----------



## RevMatt

Hehehe. Cute


----------



## SINC




----------



## markceltic

This one's for the Neo-cons  
Bought a new Lexus 350 and returned to the dealer the next day complaining that I couldn't figure out how the radio worked. The salesman explained that the radio was voice activated.

"Watch this!", he said, "Nelson"!

The Radio replied, "Ricky or Willie?" 

"Willie!", He continued and "On The Road Again" came from the speakers. 

Then he said, "Ray Charles!", and in an instant "Georgia On My Mind" replaced Willie Nelson. 

I drove away happy, and for the next few days, every time I'd say, "Beethoven," I'd get beautiful classical music, and if I said, "Beatles," I'd get one of their awesome songs. 

Yesterday, a couple ran a red light and nearly creamed my new car, but I swerved in time to avoid them. I yelled, "Ass holes!" 

Immediately the French National Anthem began to play, sung by Jane Fonda and Barbara Streisand, backed up by Michael Moore and The Dixie Chicks, with John Kerry on guitar, Al Gore on drums, Dan Rather on harmonica, Nancy Pelosi on tambourine, Harry Reid on spoons, Bill Clinton on sax and Ted Kennedy on Scotch. 

Damn, I LOVE this car!


----------



## markceltic

I suppose this qualifies for a joke http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6Vjb_LqYOMw&eurl=


----------



## RevMatt

Monty Python spoofed! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LJKJjJbHxvY


----------



## SINC

Words that don't exist, but should:

1. AQUADEXTROUS (ak wa deks'trus) adj. Possessing the ability to turn the bathtub tap on and off with your toes.

2. CARPERPETUATION (kar'pur pet u a shun) n. The act, when vacuuming, of running over a string or a piece of lint at least a dozen times, reaching over and picking it up, examining it, then putting it back down to give the vacuum one more chance.

3. DISCONFECT (dis kon fekt') v. To sterilize the piece of confection (lolly) you dropped on the floor by blowing on it, assuming this will somehow 'remove' all the germs.

4. ELBONICS (el bon'iks) n. The actions of two people maneuvering for one armrest in a movie theater.

5. FRUST (frust) n. The small line of debris that refuses to be swept onto the dust pan and keeps backing a person across the room until he finally decides to give up and sweep it under the rug.

6. LACTOMANGULATION (lak' to man gyu lay' shun) n. Manhandling the "open here" spout on a milk container so badly that one has to resort to the 'illegal' side.

7. PEPPIER (peph ee ay') n. The waiter at a fancy restaurant whose sole purpose seems to be walking around asking diners if they want fresh ground pepper.

8. PHONESIA (fo nee' zhuh) n. The affliction of dialing a phone number and forgetting whom you were calling just as they answer.

9. PUPKUS (pup'kus) n. The moist residue left on a window after a dog presses its nose to it.

10. TELECRASTINATION (tel e kras tin ay' shun) n. The act of always letting the phone ring at least twice before you pick it up, even when you're only six inches away.


----------



## bhil

I feared my wife was not hearing as well as she used to, and I thought
she might need a hearing aid.

Not quite sure how to approach her, I called the family doctor to
discuss the problem. The doctor told me there is a simple informal
test that I could perform to give the doctor a better idea about her
hearing loss."Here's what you do," said the doctor. "Stand about 40
feet away from her and in a normal conversational speaking tone see if
she hears you. If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until
you get a response."

That evening, my wife was in the kitchen cooking dinner, and I was in
the den. I say to myself, "I'm about 40 feet away. Let's see what
happens."

In a normal tone I ask, "Honey, what's for dinner?"

No response.

So I moved to closer to the kitchen, about 30 feet from my wife, and
repeat, "Honey, what's for dinner?"

Still no response.

Next I move into the dining room where I'm about 20 feet from my wife
and ask, "Honey, what's for dinner?"

Again, no response.

So, I walk up to the kitchen door, about 10 feet away. "Honey, what's
for dinner?"

Again, there is no response.

So I walk right up behind her. "Honey, what's for dinner?"

"For the 5th time, WE'RE HAVING CHICKEN!"


----------



## SINC

Hehehe:


----------



## MaxPower

Two guys from Minnesota are sittin' in a boat on Mud Lake fishing and suckin' down beers when all of a sudden Mike says, "I think I'm going to divorce my wife - she hasn't spoken to me in over six months."

Harry sips his beer and says, "You better think it over, women like that are hard to find."


----------



## The Doug

Q: Is there a reason why pirates are different from other people?

A: No specific reason, they just arrrrrrrrrrrrrr.


----------



## Rob

Trunk Monkey Videos

If you've seen them before then look again since there are a few new ones.


----------



## The Doug

Marcel Marceau just called. Didn't have much to say.


----------



## SINC

A professor of chemistry wanted to teach his 5th grade class a lesson about the evils of liquor, so he produced an experiment that involved a glass of water, a glass of whiskey and two worms.

"Now, class. Observe closely the worms," said the professor putting a worm first into the water. The worm in the water writhed about, happy as a worm in water could be.

The second worm, he put into the whiskey. It writhed painfully, and quickly sank to the bottom, dead as a doornail.

"Now, what lesson can we derive from this experiment?" the professor asked.

Johnny, who naturally sits in back, raised his hand and wisely, responded, "Drink whiskey and you won't get worms.


----------



## RevMatt

Stumpy and his wife Martha went to the State Fair every year. Every year
Stumpy would say, "Martha, I'd like to ride in that airplane." And every
year Martha would say, "I know, Stumpy, but that airplane ride costs ten
dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars."

This one year Stumpy and Martha went to the fair and Stumpy said,
"Martha, I'm 71 years old. If I don't ride that airplane this year I
may never get another chance." Martha replied, "Stumpy, that 
airplane ride costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars."

The pilot overheard them and said, "Folks, I'll make you a deal. I'll
take you both up for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire 
ride and not say one word, I won't charge you, but if you say one word
it's ten dollars."

Stumpy and Martha agreed and up they go. The pilot does all kinds of
twists and turns, rolls and dives, but not a word is heard. He does all
his tricks over again, but still not a word.

They land and the pilot turns to Stumpy, "By golly, I did everything I
could think of to get you to yell out, but you didn't." Stumpy
replied, "Well, I was gonna say something when Martha fell
out.......but, ten dollars is ten dollars."


----------



## SINC

A homeless man stops at a farmhouse to beg to spend the night. The farmer answers the door and says "Sure, we can put you up." 

The vagrant washes up for dinner and meets the family downstairs. Sitting at the dinner table are the farmer, his wife, their son, and a gigantic pig who is sitting at the table like a human. Throughout the meal the vagrant tries not to stare at the pig, who sports three medals around his neck, as well as a wooden leg.

Finally, he can contain his curiosity no longer. He asks "Would you mind telling me about the bronze medal around your pig's neck?" 

The farmer says "Sure. It's really an incredible story. Little Timmy here was swimming in the lake when he got a cramp and started to drown. This pig heard his cries for help, busted out of his pen, ran to the lake, and saved our son's life. So, we gave him the medal."

The vagrant is amazed and says "Well, how about that silver medal?"

The farmer says "A few months ago our house caught fire in the middle of the night while we were all sleeping. This pig saw the flames, busted out of his pen and ran into the house, waking us up in time. To show our gratitude we gave him that silver medal."

The homeless man says "While I'm at it, I might as well ask you about the gold medal."

The farmer says "My wife was attacked by a burglar several weeks ago. This pig heard her cries, busted out of his pen, and chased that man far away. To show my thanks I gave him that gold medal"

The homeless man sits in awe of the pig, who is blithely eating his meal with a knife and fork. He asks "What about the wooden leg?"

The farmer says, matter-of-factly, "Well, you don't eat a pig like THAT all at once!"


----------



## The Doug

Q: Why did the chicken cross the Möbius Strip?

A: To get to the same side.


----------



## The Doug

_The following are all replies that British women have put on Child Support Agency forms in the section for listing father's details: These are genuine excerpts from the forms. Be sure to check number 11, It takes the prize._

1. Regarding the identity of the father of my twins, child A was fathered by Jim Munson. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of child B, but I believe that he was conceived on the same night.

2. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of my child as I was being sick out of a window when taken unexpectedly from behind. I can provide you with a list of names of men that I think were at the party if this helps.

3. I do not know the name of the father of my little girl. She was conceived at a party at 36 Grand Avenue where I had unprotected sex with a man I met that night. I do remember that the sex was so good that I fainted. If you do manage to track down the father, can you send me his phone number? Thanks.

4. I don't know the identity of the father of my daughter. He drives a BMW that now has a hole made by my stiletto in one of the door panels. Perhaps you can contact BMW service stations in this area, and see if he's had it replaced.

5. I have never had sex with a man. I am awaiting a letter from the Pope confirming that my son's conception was immaculate and that he is Christ risen again.

6. I cannot tell you the name of child A's dad as he informs me that to do so would blow his cover and that would have cataclysmic implications for the British economy. I am torn between doing right by you and right by the country. Please advise.

7. I do not know who the father of my child was as all squaddies look the same to me. I can confirm that he was a Royal Green Jacket.

8. Peter Smith is the father of child A. If you do catch up with him, can you ask him what he did with my AC/DC CDs?

9. From the dates it seems that my daughter was conceived at Euro-Disney; maybe it really is the Magic Kingdom.

10. So much about that night is a blur. The only thing that I remember for sure is Delia Smith did a program about eggs earlier in the evening. If I'd have stayed in and watched more TV rather than going to the party at 146 Miller Drive, mine might have remained unfertilised.

11. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of my baby, after all when you eat a can of beans you can't be sure which one made you fart.


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## RevMatt

The Doug said:


> 11. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of my baby, after all when you eat a can of beans you can't be sure which one made you fart.


:lmao: :clap: :lmao:


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## SINC

A nursery school teacher was delivering a station wagon full of kids home one day when a fire truck zoomed past. Sitting in the front seat of the fire truck was a Dalmatian dog. The children fell to discussing the dog's duties. 

"They use him to keep crowds back," said one youngster. 

"No," said another, "he's just for good luck." 

A third child brought the argument to a close. "They use the dogs," she said firmly, "to find the fire hydrant."


----------



## Dr.G.

Good one, Sinc.


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## RevMatt

It may add to the humour to know that this is from a weekly update sent out to all the members of my Dad's church.


A cowboy was sitting in a bar when a young woman came and sat next to him. After a while they got talking. "Are you a real cowboy?" she asked.

"Well, ma'am, I've spent all my life herding cows and breaking horses so I guess I must be."

A few minutes later, he said: "And what are you?"

"I'm a lesbian," she said. "I spend my whole day and all night thinking about women. Whether I'm eating, in the shower or watching TV, I think about women." 

Soon she left and was replaced by a young couple. The woman got chatting to the cowboy and said: "Are you a real cowboy?"

"Well," he drawled, "I always thought I was, but I just found out I'm a lesbian"


----------



## SINC

Things My Mother Taught Me:

1. My Mother taught me about ANTICIPATION...
"Just wait until your father gets home."

2. My Mother taught me about RECEIVING....
"You are going to get it when we get home!"

3. My Mother taught me to MEET A CHALLENGE...
"What were you thinking? Answer me when I talk to you ... Don't talk back to me!"

4. My Mother taught me LOGIC...
"If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, your not going to the store with me."

5. My Mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE...
"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that way."

6. My Mother taught me to THINK AHEAD...
"If you don't pass your spelling test, you'll never get a good job."

7. My Mother taught me ESP...
"Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you're cold?"

8. My Mother taught me HUMOR...
"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."

9. My Mother taught me how to BECOME AN ADULT...
"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."

10. My Mother taught me about SEX....
"How do you think you got here?"

11. My Mother taught me about GENETICS...
"You're just like your father."

12. My Mother taught me about my ROOTS...
"Do you think you were born in a barn?"

13. My Mother taught me about WISDOM OF AGE...
"When you get to be my age, you will understand."

14. And my all time favorite... JUSTICE...
"One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you... then you'll see what it's like."


----------



## The Doug




----------



## SINC




----------



## Dr.G.

Doug, luckily the dog was not a dachshund (aka, "weiner dogs").


----------



## MaxPower

Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life; is this true?
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it... don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.

Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.

Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain...Good!

Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!!... Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?

Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.

Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy? HELLO Cocoa beans! Another vegetable!!! It's the best feel-good food around!

Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.

Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape!


----------



## rgray

*Garrison Keillor on Homeland 'Security', etc..*

Coffee, tea, or triacetone triperoxide?
September 12, 2006

And now you can't bring your cup of coffee on board the airplane. It's the latest new rule laid down by the nation's security wizards. Everyone knows it's ridiculous - the notion that you can toss together a few liquids and make an explosive is a fiction from late-night movies. You might as well prohibit bald men on the grounds that the evil Lex Luthor was bald and so was Blofeld, the head of S.P.E.C.T.R.E.

But we ditch our venti latte in the trash barrel (goodbye, four bucks) and board the flight, and there we read in the paper that aggressive CIA questioning of an al-Qaida bigwig, stripping him, turning the air conditioner to 40 degrees, blasting him with Red Hot Chili Peppers music, broke him so he ratted on Jose Padilla, a terrorist who set out to make a dirty bomb and who believed that by swinging a bucket of uranium in a circle over his head he could separate plutonium. It's like a cartoon.

The way to stop terrorists on planes is to encourage passengers to bring loaded firearms aboard: guys in orange vests sitting in exit rows with deer rifles on their laps, ladies with Mr. Colt in their purses, kids with peashooters. Somebody wake up the NRA. Does the Second Amendment say "The right of the People to keep and bear arms shall not be infringed except on commercial airliners"? Where is the right wing when you really need them?

This way, if some guy in a burnoose sets up a chemistry lab in row 24 and mixes hydrogen peroxide, sulfuric acid and acetone in a big beaker that is packed in 15 pounds of dry ice to keep it cool, and cooks up some triacetone triperoxide, or TATP, the passengers will be able, in the several hours it will take him to make the deadly explosive, to bring him under control, assuming the fumes haven't knocked Ahmed out. And they could nab the mastermind too, the monocled guy in first class petting the white cat.

It all began with the name Homeland Security. Somebody with a tin ear came up with that, maybe the pest exterminator from Texas, or Admiral Poinduster, because, friends, Americans don't refer to this as our homeland. It's an alien term, like Fatherland or Deutschland or Tomorrowland. Irving Berlin didn't write "God Bless Our Homeland." You never heard John Wayne say, "Men, we're going over that hill and we're going to kick those krauts out of there. And we're going to raise the flag of the homeland."

"Homeland" was a word you heard shrieked by a cruel man flicking his riding crop against his shiny black boots: "Zie homeland - ve shall defend it at all costs, achwohl!" Americans live in Our Country, America, the nation of nations, the good old U.S.A.

But they couldn't call it the Department of National Security because there was one of those already, so they created this new Achtung bureau to make us take off our shoes and put the toothpaste in the checked luggage and dump the coffee. The jihadists we're afraid of are, so far as we know, young Muslim men from the Middle East, not old grandmas named Evelyn and Gladys married to soybean farmers, and not even old white guys like me, but nonetheless they pat us down for plastic explosives under our Sansabelts and have us raise our stockinged feet to be wanded for possible toe bombs. It's all to make us feel we're in a movie and it will have a happy ending.

God forbid, somebody shows up at an airport somewhere in the world with an explosive tucked up in his lower colon. The Achtung people will come up with some new security procedures that will effectively kill airline travel, and then this enormous bureaucracy can turn its attention to the nation's highways. Pull over at the checkpoint, get out of the car, open the trunk, take off your shoes, put your hands on the top of the car, turn your head to the right, and cough.

They can search each laptop for possible terrorist-type writing and confiscate cell phones, white powder, shoelaces, car keys, pencils, anything sharp or cylindrical or made of glass, and interrogate people randomly, putting them naked into cold rooms with ugly music played at top volume. It's all fine with me. I'm a liberal and we love ridiculous government programs that intrude on personal freedom. But where are the conservatives who used to object to this sort of thing?

© 2006 by Garrison Keillor. All rights reserved. Distributed by Tribune Media Services, INC.


----------



## SINC

A man parked his car at the supermarket and was walking past an empty cart when he heard a woman ask, "Excuse me, did you want that cart?" 

"No," he answered. "I'm only after one thing." 

As he walked toward the store, he heard her murmur, "Typical male."


----------



## The Doug

Funny little clip from the UK TV show "Extras" - with David Bowie guesting.

<object width="425" height="350"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/iQG_UOuqlM0"></param><param name="wmode" value="transparent"></param><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/iQG_UOuqlM0" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" wmode="transparent" width="425" height="350"></embed></object>


----------



## MACSPECTRUM

great to see celebrities not taking themselves too seriously
thanks for the post


----------



## RevMatt

D'ya hear about the small, Southern Ontario town overrun by squirrels this summer. Even the churches were plagued by the pesky rodents. 

The Anglicans came up with a novel solution. They played recordings of classical music, at high volume, 24 hours a day. The squirrels of course moved out, but the neighbours complained as well, and as soon as the music stopped, the squirrels returned.

The RC's tried a "Made in Rome" solution. They got the Pope to issue an edict banning squirrels from Catholic churches around the world. Overnight, the squirrel population doubled.


The United Church minister had her own solution. She ran Confirmation Classes, and confirmed the squirrels. They have never been seen since.


----------



## SINC

One Sunday a cowboy went to church. When he entered, he saw that he and the preacher were the only ones present. 

One hour passed, then two hours, then two-and-a-half hours. The preacher finally finished and came down to ask the cowboy how he had liked the sermon.

The cowboy answered slowly, "Well, I'm not very smart, but if I went to feed my cattle and only one showed up, I sure wouldn't feed him all the hay."


----------



## RevMatt

If only it were that way in reality, Don. I'd get out early regularly!

And now, for something completely different...

Three old Ladies named Gertrude, Maude, and Tilly were sitting on a park bench having a quiet conversation when a flasher approached from across the park.

The flasher came up to the ladies, stood right in front of them and opened his trench coat.

Gertrude immediately had a stroke.

Then Maude, also, had a stroke.

Tilly, being the oldest, and more feeble, couldn't reach that far.


----------



## zoziw

Keeping with the religious theme...

A pastor was coming to his church one day and noticed that much of the paint on the outside had worn off.

He called a local painter and asked him to put a new coat of paint on the church.

So that painter got busy, opened a can of paint and stirred it up. It was a bit thick, so he added some paint thinner to it. He stirred it up again, but it was still too thick so he added some more thinner to it.

He did this several times trying to get the right consistency and finally ended up pouring all of the thinner into the paint. For the rest of the day he painted the church, finished later that evening and showed the pastor who was happy with the job.

That night it rained and all of the thinned paint washed off the church.

The next morning the pastor called the painter to the church and met him outside.

He pointed at the building and told the guy "YOU ARE TO REPAINT AND THIN NO MORE".


----------



## SINC

And now for something completely different:


----------



## markceltic

WHY DOES IT TAKE 1 MILLION SPERM TO FERTILIZE ONE
EGG? (they don't stop to ask directions)


----------



## Garry

*a Short one*

These 2 Dyslexic girls walk into a Bra...

Thankyou.. I'll be here all week! Please Try the Veal


----------



## The Doug

Fly Yorkshire Airlines!


----------



## SINC

Two brothers enlisting in the Army were getting their physicals. During the inspection, the doctor was surprised to discover that both of them possessed an incredibly long, oversized penis. "How do you account for this?" he asked the brothers.

"It's hereditary, sir," the older one replied.

"I see," said the doctor, writing in his file. "Your father's the reason for your size?"

"No sir, our mother."

"Your mother? You idiot, women don't have a penis!"

"I know, sir," replied the recruit, "but she only had one arm, and when it came to getting us out of the bathtub, she had to manage as best as she could."


----------



## RevMatt

OUCH!


----------



## gwillikers

*Italian anisette sprinkle cookies*

A SWEET STORY ABOUT ITALIAN COOKIES 

This is for all the Italians out there, and those who are lucky enough to be married to an Italian, and even to all the friends of Italians. 

An elderly Italian man lay dying in his bed. While suffering the agonies of impending death, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favorite Italian anisette sprinkle cookies wafting up the stairs. Gathering his remaining strength, he lifted himself from the bed. 

Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort, gripping the railing with both hands he crawled downstairs. With labored breath, he leaned against the doorframe, gazing into the kitchen. Where if not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven. For there, spread out upon waxed paper on the kitchen table were literally hundreds of his favorite anisette sprinkled cookies. 

Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted Italian wife of sixty years, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man? Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself towards the table, landing on his knees in a crumpled posture. His parched lips parted, the wondrous taste of the cookie was already in his mouth, seemingly bringing him back to life. The aged and withered hand trembled on its way to a cookie at the edge of the table, when it was suddenly smacked with a spatula by his wife...................... 

"Get out of here!" she shouted, "They're for the funeral."


----------



## SINC

The photographer for a national magazine was assigned to get photos of a great forest fire. Smoke at the scene was too thick to get any good shots, so he frantically called his home office to hire a plane. "It will be waiting for you at the airport!" he was assured by his editor. 

As soon as he got to the small, rural airport, sure enough, the plane was warming up near the runway. He jumped in with his equipment and yelled, "Let's go! Let's go!"

The pilot swung the plane into the wind and soon they were in the air. 

"Fly over the north side of the fire," said the photographer, "and make three or four low level passes." 

"Why?" asked the pilot. 

"Because I'm going to take pictures! I'm a photographer, and photographers take pictures!" said the photographer with great exasperation. 

After a long pause the pilot said, "You mean you're not the instructor?"


----------



## RevMatt

Not technically a joke, but darned funny


----------



## Trose

RevMatt said:


> Not technically a joke, but darned funny


I thought that image was actually the joke and was trying to understand it. Here's what it's supposed to show:


----------



## RevMatt

D'oh. Thanks. Because it was in my history, even previewing the post it looked fine to me.


----------



## MaxPower

Three couples, one elderly, one middle-aged, one young and newly wed apply for membership in a church. The pastor informs them that the requirement for new parishioners is that they abstain from sex for two weeks. The couples agree and go their separate ways.

After two weeks, they return. The pastor asks the elderly pair if they were able to abstain for two weeks. "No problem at all, Pastor," replies the old man.

"Congratulations!" says the pastor. "Welcome to the church." He turns to the middle-aged couple and asks if they were able to abstain for two weeks. "It was difficult," replies the husband. "By the end of the second week, I had to sleep on the couch, but we did it."

"Congratulations on overcoming temptation," says the pastor. "Welcome to the church." He then turns to the newlyweds and asks if they were able to abstain for two weeks.

"At first it was no problem," says the husband. "But one day my wife was reaching for a can of corn on the top shelf, and she dropped it. When she bent over to pick it up, I was overcome with lust and took advantage of her right there."

"You understand, of course, that this means you will not be welcome in our church," says the pastor.

"We know," says the young man. "We're not welcome at the supermarket anymore either."


----------



## sheamusj

MaxPower said:


> Three couples, one elderly, one middle-aged, one young and newly wed apply for membership in a church. The pastor informs them that the requirement for new parishioners is that they abstain from sex for two weeks. The couples agree and go their separate ways...
> 
> "At first it was no problem," says the husband. "But one day my wife was reaching for a can of corn on the top shelf, and she dropped it. When she bent over to pick it up, I was overcome with lust and took advantage of her right there."
> 
> "You understand, of course, that this means you will not be welcome in our church," says the pastor.
> 
> "We know," says the young man. "We're not welcome at the supermarket anymore either."


Wonderful!


----------



## MLeh

A husband takes his wife to play her first game of golf. Of course, the wife promptly hacked her first shot right through the window of the biggest house adjacent to the course.

The husband cringed, "I warned you to be careful! Now we'll have to go up there, find the owner, apologize and see how much your lousy drive is going to cost us."

So the couple walked up to the house and knocked on the door. A warm voice said, "Come on in."

When they opened the door they saw the damage that was done: glass was all over the place, and a broken antique bottle was lying on its side near the pieces of window glass.

A man reclining on the couch asked, "Are you the people that broke my window?"

"Uh...yeah, sir. We're sure sorry about that," the husband replied.

"Oh, no apology is necessary. Actually I want to thank you.

You see, I'm a genie, and I've been trapped in that bottle for a thousand years. Now that you've released me, I'm allowed to grant three wishes. I'll give you each one wish, but if you don't mind, I'll keep the last one for myself."

"Wow, that's great!" the husband said. He pondered a moment and blurted out, "I'd like a million dollars a year for the rest of my life."

"No problem," said the genie. "You've got it, it's the least I can do. And I'll guarantee you a long, healthy life!"

"And now you, young lady, what do you want?" the genie asked. 

"I'd like to own a gorgeous home complete with servants in every country in the world," she said.

"Consider it done," the genie said. "And your homes will always be safe from fire, burglary and natural disasters!"

"And now," the couple asked in unison, "what's your wish, genie?"

"Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle, and haven't been with a woman in more than a thousand years, my wish is to have sex with your wife."

The husband looked at his wife and said, "Gee, honey, you know we both now have a fortune, and all those houses. What do you think?"

She mulled it over for a few moments and said, "You know, you're right. Considering our good fortune, I guess I wouldn't mind, but what about you, honey?"

"You know I love you sweetheart," said the husband. "I'd do the same for you!"

So the genie and the woman went upstairs where they spent the rest of the afternoon enjoying each other. The genie was insatiable. After about three hours of non-stop sex, the genie rolled over and looked directly into her eyes and asked, "How old are you and your husband?"

"Why, we're both 35," she responded breathlessly.

"No kidding," he said. "Thirty-five years old and both of you still believe in genies?"


----------



## RevMatt

:lmao: :clap: Nice one, Max!!

One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap. Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out. She motors out a short distance, anchors, and enjoys the sun and the lake while reading her book.
Along comes a Game Warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and says, "Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?" 
"Reading a book," she replies, while thinking "Isn't that obvious?"
"You're in a Restricted Fishing Area," he informs her. 
"I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading." 
"Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up." 
"If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault," says the woman. 
"But I haven't even touched you," says the game warden. 
"That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment." 
"Have a nice day ma'am," says the warden as he revs up his motor and leaves.


----------



## RevMatt

*Reasons NOT to use the Bible for dating advice*

And now, to inflict another Biblical joke on you all. By the way, if no one other than me finds these funny, let me know 

Biblical Ways to Acquire a Wife
* Find an attractive prisoner of war, bring her home, shave her head, trim her nails, and give her new clothes. Then she's yours. – (Deuteronomy 21:11-13)
* Find a prostitute and marry her. – Hosea (Hosea 1:1-3)
* Find a man with seven daughters, and impress him by watering his flock. – Moses (Exodus 2:16-21)
* Purchase a piece of property, and get a woman as part of the deal. – Boaz (Ruth 4:5-10)
* Go to a party and hide. When the women come out to dance, grab one and carry her off to be your wife. – Benjaminites (Judges 21:19-25)
* Have God create a wife for you while you sleep. Note: this will cost you a rib. – Adam (Genesis 2:19-24)
* Agree to work seven years in exchange for a woman's hand in marriage. Get tricked into marrying the wrong woman. Then work another seven years for the woman you wanted to marry in the first place. – Jacob (Genesis 29:15-30)
* Cut 200 foreskins off of your future father-in-law's enemies and get his daughter for a wife. – David (1Samuel 18:27)
* Even if no one is out there, just wander around a bit and you'll definitely find someone. (It's all relative of course.) – Cain (Genesis 4:16-17)
* Become the emperor of a huge nation and hold a beauty contest. – Xerxes or Ahasuerus (Esther 2:3-4)
* When you see someone you like, go home and tell your parents, "I have seen a wonderful woman; now get her for me." – Samson (Judges 14:1-3)
* Kill any husband and take his wife. (Prepare to lose four sons though). – David (2 Samuel 11)
* Wait for your brother to die. Take his widow. (It's not just a good idea, it's the law). – Onan and Boaz (Deuteronomy or Leviticus, example in Ruth)
* Don't be so picky. Make up for quality with quantity. – Solomon (1 Kings 11:1-3)
* A wife? NOT!!! – Paul (1Corinthians 7:32-35)


----------



## The Doug

So, two months ago in Wales...


----------



## SINC

*Speaking of Whales . . .*


----------



## markceltic

Isn't it the truth.


----------



## gwillikers

*Larry LaPrise RIP*

Larry LaPrise, the man that wrote "The Hokey Pokey" died peacefully at the age of 93. The most traumatic part for his family was getting him into the coffin. They put his left leg in, and then the trouble started.


----------



## markceltic

Harry is getting along in years and finds that he is unable to perform sexually. He finally goes to his doctor who tries a few things, but nothing seems to work. The doctor refers him to an American Indian medicine man.

The medicine man says, "I can cure this." That said, he throws a white powder in a flame, and there is a flash with billowing blue smoke. Then he says, "This is powerful medicine. You can only use it once a year. All you have to do is say '123,' and it will rise for as long as you wish"

The guy asks, "What happens when I don't want to continue?"

The medicine man replies: "All you or your partner has to say is 1234, and it will go down. But be warned - it will not work again for another year."

Harry rushes home, eager to try out his new powers and prowess. That night he is ready to surprise his wife. He showers, shaves, and puts on his most exotic shaving lotion. He gets into bed, and lying next to her says, "123." He suddenly becomes more aroused than any previous time in his life - just as the medicine man had promised. His wife, who had been facing away, turns over and asks, "What did you say 123 for?"

Now you know why you shouldn't end a sentence with a preposition.


----------



## Lawrence

*Happy Halloween (Humour)*

A man was walking home alone late one foggy night, 

when behind him he hears:



BUMP...




BUMP...




BUMP...





Walking faster, he looks back and through the fog he makes out the image
of an upright casket banging its way down the middle of the street toward
him.




BUMP...





BUMP...





BUMP...






Terrified, the man begins to run toward his home, the casket bouncing
quickly behind him





FASTER...





FASTER...






BUMP...







BUMP... 






BUMP...





He runs up to his door, fumbles with his keys, opens the door, rushes in,
slams and locks the door behind him.








However, the casket crashes through his door, with the lid of the casket
clapping










clappity-BUMP...






clappity-BUMP...






clappity-BUMP...





on his heels, the terrified man runs.





Rushing upstairs to the bathroom, the man locks himself in. His heart is
pounding; his head is reeling; his breath is coming in sobbing gasps.



With a loud CRASH the casket breaks down the door.









Bumping and clapping toward him.





The man screams and reaches for something, anything,
but all he can find is a bottle of cough syrup!









Desperate, he throws the cough syrup at the casket...



















and,

















(hopefully you're ready for this!!!)





The coffin stops



__________________________________________________


----------



## rgray

*QUESTION: How many Forum members does it take to change a light bulb?*

QUESTION: How many Forum members does it take to change a light bulb? 


1 to change the light bulb and to post that the light bulb has been changed 

14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently 

7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs 

1 to move it to the Lighting section 

2 to argue then move it to the Electricals section 

7 to point out spelling/grammar errors in posts about changing light bulbs 

5 to flame the spell checkers 

3 to correct spelling/grammar flames 

6 to argue over whether it's "lightbulb" or "light bulb" ... another 6 to condemn those 6 as stupid 

2 industry professionals to inform the group that the proper term is "lamp" 

15 know-it-alls who claim they were in the industry, and that "light bulb" is perfectly correct 

19 to post that this forum is not about light bulbs and to please take this discussion to a lightbulb forum 

11 to defend the posting to this forum saying that we all use light bulbs and therefore the posts are relevant to this forum 

36 to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior, where to buy the best light bulbs, what brand of light bulbs work best for this technique and what brands are faulty 

7 to post URL's where one can see examples of different light bulbs 

4 to post that the URL's were posted incorrectly and then post the corrected URL's 

3 to post about links they found from the URL's that are relevant to this group which makes light bulbs relevant to this group 

13 to link all posts to date, quote them in their entirety including all headers and signatures, and add "Me too" 

5 to post to the group that they will no longer post because they cannot handle the light bulb controversy 

4 to say "didn't we go through this already a short time ago?" 

13 to say "do a Google search on light bulbs before posting questions about light bulbs" 

1 forum lurker to respond to the original post 6 months from now and start it all over again.


----------



## SINC

An explorer, desperate for water, was plodding through the desert when he saw something far off in the distance. Hoping to find water, he walked toward the object, only to find a little old Jewish man at a small stand selling neckties.

He asked, "Do you have water?"

The Jewish man replied, "I have no water. Would you like to buy a tie? They are only $150."

He shouted, "Idiot! You are stupid. I do not need an overpriced tie. I need water!"

"OK," said the old Jew, "it does not matter that you do not want to buy a tie or that you think I am not smart. I will show you that I am bigger than that. If you continue over that hill to the east for about two miles, you will find a lovely restaurant. It has all the water you need. Shalom."

Muttering, the explorer staggered away over the hill.

Several hours later he staggered back, near collapse. "Your brother won't let me in without a tie."


----------



## markceltic

Without any paperwork, Grandpa started getting a $500 check every month. So Grandpa and Grandma started cashing them. It turns out an insurance company made a mistake with the address; the checks were intended for another person with the exact same name.


Grandpa then received a notice that he had to pay back $6,000. Visibly upset, he complained to his grandson, an accountant. His grandson asked, "Grandpa, didn't you wonder why you were receiving checks for doing absolutely nothing?"


Grandpa answered, "I just figured the New Democrats were in power."


----------



## iGeeK

Excuses à mes amis francophones.

I was recently at Zellers shopping for some minor office equipment.
As I was walking in the aisles, an utility cart box caught my eye, because
it's exactly the thing I could use for my scanner.

I looked at the box and it was facing with the French language side up. 
It introduced itself as "Un chariot polyvalent".

Which I (now) understand to mean "General-purpose cart" but in the store 
I burst out laughing... as I thought to myself "This thing is made to order
for the God of Quantum Physics, Niels Bohr!"

--

Niels Bohr jumps into his "Chariot polyvalent" and yells: 

"Now, Strange! Now Up! now Down and Truth!
On, Charm! on Bottom! on Top and Tooth!

To the top of the accelerator! to the top of the wall!
Now dash away! dash away! dash away all!"


iGeeK

P.S. There's no quark named "Tooth" but I needed something to rhyme with the "Truth" quark.

Unlike with Santa's reindeer there are no 8 quarks, and I used alternative names to make up 8.

Now I told the truth, and the whole truth... so help me Einstein!


----------



## MACSPECTRUM

for the best scientific poetry, please read The story of Schroedinger's Cat

*
Schroedinger, Erwin! Professor of physics!
Wrote daring equations! Confounded his critics!
(Not bad, eh? Don't worry. This part of the verse
Starts off pretty good, but it gets a lot worse.)
Win saw that the theory that Newton'd invented
By Einstein's discov'ries had been badly dented.
What now? wailed his colleagues. Said Erwin, "Don't panic,
No grease monkey I, but a quantum mechanic.
Consider electrons. Now, these teeny articles
Are sometimes like waves, and then sometimes like particles.
If that's not confusing, the nuclear dance
Of electrons and suchlike is governed by chance!
No sweat, though--my theory permits us to judge
Where some of 'em is and the rest of 'em was."
Not everyone bought this. It threatened to wreck
The comforting linkage of cause and effect.
E'en Einstein had doubts, and so Schroedinger tried
To tell him what quantum mechanics implied.
Said Win to Al, "Brother, suppose we've a cat,
And inside a tube we have put that cat at--
Along with a solitaire deck and some Fritos,
A bottle of Night Train, a couple mosquitoes
(Or something else rhyming) and, oh, if you got 'em,
One vial prussic acid, one decaying ottom
Or atom--whatever--but when it emits,
A trigger device blasts the vial into bits
Which snuffs our poor kitty. The odds of this crime
Are 50 to 50 per hour each time.
The cylinder's sealed. The hour's passed away. Is
Our pussy still purring--or pushing up daisies?
Now, you'd say the cat either lives or it don't
But quantum mechanics is stubborn and won't.
Statistically speaking, the cat (goes the joke),
Is half a cat breathing and half a cat croaked.
To some this may seem a ridiculous split,
But quantum mechanics must answer, "Tough @#&!
We may not know much, but one thing's fo' sho':
There's things in the cosmos that we cannot know.
Shine light on electrons--you'll cause them to swerve.
The act of observing disturbs the observed--
Which ruins your test. But then if there's no testing
To see if a particle's moving or resting
Why try to conjecture? Pure useless endeavor!
We know probability--certainty, never.'
The effect of this notion? I very much fear
'Twill make doubtful all things that were formerly clear.
Till soon the cat doctors will say in reports,
"We've just flipped a coin and we've learned he's a corpse."'
So saith Herr Erwin. Quoth Albert, "You're nuts.
God doesn't play dice with the universe, putz.
I'll prove it!" he said, and the Lord knows he tried--
In vain--until fin'ly he more or less died.
Win spoke at the funeral: "Listen, dear friends,
Sweet Al was my buddy. I must make amends.
Though he doubted my theory, I'll say of this saint:
Ten-to-one he's in heaven--but five bucks says he ain't."
*


----------



## MACSPECTRUM

*old age... it's coming*

OLD:

The old couple decide to go to the doctor for a checkup. The doctor tells
them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing
things down to help them remember. Later that night, while watching TV, the
old man gets up from his chair.

His wife asks, "Where are you going?"
"To the kitchen" he replies.

"Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?"
"Sure."

"Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?" she
asks.
"No, I can remember it."

"Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. You'd better write it down
because you know you'll forget it."
He says, "I can remember that! You want a bowl of ice cream with
strawberries."

"I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, so you'! d
better write it down!" she retorts.
Irritated, he says, "I don't need to write it down, I can remember it!

Leave me alone! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream I got it,
for goodness sake!" Then he grumbles into the kitchen.

After about 20 minutes the old man returns from the kitchen and hands his
wife a plate of bacon and eggs.

She stares at the plate for a moment and says - "Where's my toast?


AND OLDER:

A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy: "So I hear you're
getting married?"
"Yep!"
"Do I know her?"
"Nope!"
"This woman, is she good looking?"
"Not really."
"Is she a good cook?"
"Naw, she can't cook too well."
"Does she have lots of money?"
"Nope! Poor as a church mouse."
"Well then, is she good in bed?"
"I don't know."
"Why in the world do you want to marry her then?"

"Because she can still drive!"



AND OLDER:

Three old guys are out walking.
First one says, "Windy, isn't it?"
Second one says, "No, its Thursday!"
Third one says, "So am I. Let's go get a beer."



AND OLDER:

A man was telling his neighbor, "I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost
me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art. It's perfect."

"Really," answered the neighbor. "What kind is it?"

"Twelve thirty."


AND OLDER:

Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical. A few
days later the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous
young woman on his arm.

A couple of days later the doctor spoke to Morris and said, "You're
really doing great, aren't you?"

Morris replied, "Just doing what you said, Doc. 'Get a hot mamma and be
cheerful.'"

The doctor said, "I didn't say that. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur.
Be careful.'"


AND OLDER:

A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled
himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool. After catching his breath, he
ordered a banana split.

The waitress asked kindly, "Crushed nuts?"

"No," he replied, "arthritis."


----------



## The Doug




----------



## SINC

Ol' Fred had been a faithful Christian and was in the hospital, near death. The family called their preacher to stand with them.

As the preacher stood next to the bed, Ol' Fred's condition appeared to deteriorate and he motioned frantically for something to write on.

The pastor lovingly handed him a pen and a piece of paper, and Ol' Fred used his last bit of energy to scribble a note, then suddenly passed away.

The preacher thought it best not to look at the note at that time, so he placed it in his jacket pocket.

At the funeral, as he was finishing the message, he realized that he was wearing the same jacket that he was wearing when Ol' Fred died. He said, "You know, Ol' Fred handed me a note just before he died. I haven't looked at it, but knowing Fred, I'm sure there's a word of inspiration there for us all."

He opened the note, and read, "Please step to your left -- you're standing on my oxygen tube!"


----------



## RevMatt

A rabbi, a priest and a minister have their houses of worship side by side. So they decide to carpool. 
On the first day, the other two are shocked to see the pastor lay hands on the hood and pray silently. 
"What are you doing?" the priest asks. The pastor looks up. "I'm just dedicating the car to the Lord's service." 
"Good idea! Be right back!" the priest exclaims, running into his church. He emerges a few minutes later and sprinkles water onto the car.
“What are you doing?" asks the rabbi. 
"I'm consecrating it with holy water."
"Great idea!" the rabbi says. He runs off, and a moment later emerges with a hacksaw and cuts an inch off the tailpipe.


----------



## MissGulch

RevMatt said:


> A rabbi, a priest and a minister have their houses of worship side by side. So they decide to carpool.
> On the first day, the other two are shocked to see the pastor lay hands on the hood and pray silently.
> "What are you doing?" the priest asks. The pastor looks up. "I'm just dedicating the car to the Lord's service."
> "Good idea! Be right back!" the priest exclaims, running into his church. He emerges a few minutes later and sprinkles water onto the car.
> “What are you doing?" asks the rabbi.
> "I'm consecrating it with holy water."
> "Great idea!" the rabbi says. He runs off, and a moment later emerges with a hacksaw and cuts an inch off the tailpipe.


:clap: 

How do you know what kind of Jewish wedding you're attending?
If the rabbi is pregnant, it's Reform.
If the bride is pregnant, it's Conservative.
If the bride's mother is preganant, it's Orthodox.


----------



## SINC




----------



## RevMatt

An oldy but a goody.

Maybe this is why it seems only women's letters to Abby are printed...


Dear Abby,

I've never written to you before, but I really need your advice on
what could be a crucial decision. I've suspected for some time now
that my wife has been cheating on me.

The usual signs... phone rings but if I answer, the caller hangs
up. My wife has been going out with the girls a lot recently although
when I ask their names she always says, "Just some friends from work, you
don't know them."

I always stay awake to look out for her taxi coming home, but she
always walks down the drive. Although I can hear a car driving off, as
if she has gotten out of the car round the corner. Why? Maybe she wasn't
in a taxi?

I once picked her cell phone up just to see what time it was and
she went berserk and screamed that I should never touch her phone
again and why was I checking up on her.

Anyway, I have never approached the subject with my wife. I think
deep down I just didn't want to know the truth, but last night she
went out again and I decided to really check on her.

I decided I was going to park my Harley Davidson motorcycle next to
the garage and then hide behind it so I could get a good view of the
whole street when she came home.

It was at that moment, crouching behind my Harley, that I noticed
that the valve covers on my engine seemed to be leaking a little oil.

Is this something I can fix myself or should I take it back to the
dealer?


----------



## RevMatt

Two nuns, Sister Catherine and Sister Helen, are travelling through Europe 
in their car. They get to Transylvania and are stopped at a traffic light. 
Suddenly, out of nowhere, a tiny little Dracula jumps onto the hood of the 
car and hisses through the windshield. 
"Quick, quick!" shouts Sister Catherine. "What shall we do?" 
"Turn the windshield wipers on. That will get rid of the abomination, "says Sister Helen. 
Sister Catherine switches them on, knocking Dracula about, but he clings on 
and continues hissing at the nuns. "What shall I do now?" she shouts. 
"Switch on the windshield washer. I filled it up with Holy Water at the 
Vatican," says Sister Helen. Sister Catherine turns on the windshield washer. 
Dracula screams as the water burns his skin, but he clings on and continues hissing at the nuns. 
"Now what?" shouts Sister Catherine."Show him your cross," says Sister Helen. 
"Now you're talking," says Sister Catherine.
She opens the window and shouts, "Get the f(*& off the car!"


----------



## The Doug




----------



## macpablo

ahhhhhhh man..... I wish you would have put a warning up before I looked at it.


----------



## SINC




----------



## The Doug

Oops. Some people should not be allowed to leave their homes.


----------



## markceltic

The Preacher explains that he must move on to a larger congregation that
will pay him more. There is a hush within the congregation. No one wants him
to leave.

Joe Smith, who owns several car dealerships in the City, stands up and
proclaims: "If the Preacher stays, I will provide him with a new Cadillac
every year and his wife with a Honda mini-van to transport their children!"

The congregation sighs in appreciation and applauds.

Sam Brown, a successful entrepreneur and investor, stands and says, "If the
Preacher will stay on here, I'll personally double his salary and establish
a foundation to guarantee the college education of his children!"

More sighs and loud applause.

Sadie Jones, age 88, stands and announces with a smile,
"If the Preacher stays, I will give him sex."

There is total silence.

The Preacher, blushing, asks her: "Mrs. Jones, whatever possessed you to say
that?"

Sadie's 90-year old husband, Jake, is now trying to hide, holding his
forehead with the palm of his hand and shaking his head from side to side,
while his wife replies:

"Well, I just asked my husband how we could help, and he said, 'Screw the
Preacher'


----------



## RevMatt

Hehehehehehehehehe.


----------



## The Doug

_Subject: Letter from WalMart

Dear Mrs. Obanion,

Over the past six months, your husband, Mr. Shannon Obanion has been causing quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this type of behavior and have considered banning the entire family from shopping in any of our stores.

We have documented all incidents on our video surveillance equipment. Three of our clerks are attending counseling from the trouble your husband has caused.

All complaints against Mr. Obanion have been compiled and are listed below.

Claremore Super Wal-Mart Complaint Department

Re: Mr. Shannon Obanion - Complaints - 15 Things that Mr. Shannon Obanion has done while his spouse is shopping:

1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's carts when they weren't looking.

2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

3. July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the rest rooms.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official tone, 'Code3' in housewares..... and watched what happened.

5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and asked to put a bag of M&M's on layaway.

6. September 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to the Depends undergarments area.

7. September 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told other shoppers he'd invite them in if they'll bring pillows from the bedding department.

8. September 23: When a clerk asks if they can help him, he begins to cry and asks, "Why can't you people just leave me alone?"

9. October 4: Looked right into the security camera; used it as a mirror, and picked his nose.

10. November 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, asked the clerk if he knows where the antidepressants are.

11. December 3: Darted around the store suspiciously loudly humming the "Mission Impossible" theme.

12. December 6: In the auto department, practiced his "Madonna look" using different size funnels.

13. December 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browse through, whispered intensely, "PICK ME!" "PICK ME!"

14. December 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumes the fetal position and screams "NO! NO It's those voices again!!!!"

15. December 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door and waited awhile, then yelled very loudly, "There is no toilet paper in here!_


----------



## RevMatt

Hrm. I may have to try some of those out....


----------



## markceltic

A farmer in Macon, Georgia, had five female pigs.
Times were hard, so he decided to take them to the
county fair and sell them.


At the fair, he met another farmer who owned five male
pigs. After talking a bit, they decided to mate the
pigs and split everything fifty-fifty. The farmers
lived sixty miles apart. So they agreed to drive
thirty miles each, and find a field in which to let
the pigs mate.


The first morning, the farmer with the female pigs got
up at 5 a.m., loaded the pigs into the family station
wagon, which was the only vehicle he had, and drove
the thirty miles.


While the pigs were mating, he asked the other farmer,
"How will I know if they are pregnant?"


The other farmer replied, "If they're in the grass in
the morning, they're pregnant, if they're in the mud,
they're not."


The next morning the pigs were rolling in the mud. So
he hosed them off, loaded them into the family station
wagon again and proceeded to try again.


This continued each morning for more than a week.


One morning the farmer was so tired, he couldn't get
out of bed. He called to his wife, "Honey, please look
outside and tell me whether the pigs are in the mud or
in the grass."


"Neither," yelled his wife, "they're in the station
wagon and one of them is honking the horn."


----------



## krs

HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHO TO MARRY (WRITTEN BY KIDS)

(1) You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you
like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep
the chips and dip coming.
- Alan, age 10

(2) No person really decides before they grow up who they're going
to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out
later who you're stuck with.
- Kristen, age 10


WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?

(1) Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by
then.
- Camille, age 10

(2) No age is good to get married at. You got to be a fool to get
married.
- Freddie, age 6 (very wise for his age)


HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?

(1) You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be
yelling at the same kids.
- Derrick, age 8


WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?

(1) Both don't want any more kids.
- Lori, age 8


WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?

(1) Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to
know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long
enough.
- Lynnette, age 8 (isn't she a treasure)

(2) On the first date, they just tell each other lies and that
usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date.
- Martin, age 10 (Who said boys do not have brains)


WHAT WOULD YOU DO ON A FIRST DATE THAT WAS TURNING SOUR?

(1) I'd run home and play dead. The next day I would call all the
newspapers and make sure they wrote about me in all the dead columns.
-Craig, age 9


WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?

(1) When they're rich.
- Pam, age 7 (I could not have said it better myself)

(2) The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess with
that.
- Curt, age 7 (Good Point)

(3 ) The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should
marry them and have kids with them. It's the right thing to do.
- Howard, age 8 (Who made that rule?)


IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?

(1 ) I don't know which is better, but I'll tell you one thing.
I'm never going to have sex with my wife. I don't want to be all
grossed out.
- Theodore, age 8 (Too much detail for his age)

(2 ) It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need
someone to clean up after them.
- Anita, age 9 (bless you child)


HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN'T GET MARRIED?

(1 ) There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there?
- Kelvin, age 8


And the #1 Favourite is........

HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?

(1 ) Tell your wife that she looks pretty, even if she looks like a
truck.
- Ricky, age 10 (The boy already understands)


----------



## ehMax

Not sure if these ones have been said, but here is two funny knock knock jokes:

*Me:* Knock Knock
*You: *Who's there
*Me:* Interupting Cow
*You: *Interupting Co.. *(Me)* Moooooooooooo

 

*Me: *Knock Knock
*You: Who's there
Me: *Control freak. NOW YOU SAY: "Control freak who!"


----------



## markceltic

Seen on a bumper sticker............ I have the body of a God _ Buddha


----------



## The Doug

*Latin For Everyone!!!*

- “Infans Jesu invidit assini.” (Baby Jesus hates a wise ass)

- “Ascendo tuum” (Up yours)

- “Sit vis vobiscum.” (May the Force be with you.)

- “Coitus non circum.” (No F**king around)

- “Anus Equi Volantis!” (Flying ass of the horse)

- “Ne conjugare nobiscum” (Don’t f**k with us)

- “Nemo me impune laccessit” (no one harms me unpunished)

- “In vinculis etiam audax” (in chains yet still bold (free) )

- “Ne humanus crede” (Trust no human.)

- “Fabricati diem” (Make my day)

- “Aut viam inveniam aut faciam.” (I’ll either find a way or make one.)

- “Si Vis Pacem para bellum.” (Those who wish for peace, prepare for war)

- “Romani ite domus” (Roman go home!)

- “Carpe Cerevisi” (Seize the beer!)

- “Exitus acta probat” (The outcome justifies the deed)

- “Res melior evenit cum Coca” (Things go better with Coke.)

- “Meliora Cogito” (I strive for the best”)

- “O tempora, O mores!” (Oh the times, oh the morals! (Cicero))

- “Stercus accidit” (sh*t happens)

- “Quemadmoeum gladis nemeinum occidit, occidentis telum est” (A sword is never a killer, it’s a tool in the killer’s hands”)

- “Fama nihil est celerius” (Nothing is swifter than rumor)

- “Novus ordo saeclorum” (a new order of ages)

- “Nullum Gratuitum Prandium” (There is no free lunch!)

- “Hic puer est stultissimus omnium!” (This boy is the stupidest of all!)

- “Post proelia praemia” (After the battles come the rewards)

- “Semper Ubi Sub Ubi” (always wear underwear)

- “Non Gradus Anus Rodentum!” (Not Worth A Rats Ass!)

- “Raptus regaliter” (Royally screwed.)

- “Si hoc signum legere potes, operis boni in rebus Latinis alacribus et fructuosis potiri potes!” (If you can read this sign, you can get a good job in the fast-paced, high-paying world of Latin!)

- “Ne auderis delere orbem rigidum meum!” (Don’t you dare erase my hard disk!)

- “Catapultam habeo. Nisi pecuniam omnem mihi dabis, ad caput tuum saxum immane mittam” (I have a catapult. Give me all the money, or I will fling an enormous rock at your head.)

- “Gramen artificiosum odi.” (I hate Astroturf.)

- “Furnulum pani nolo.” (I don’t want a toaster.)

- “Sentio aliquos togatos contra me conspirare.” (I think some people in togas are plotting against me.)

- “Nihil curo de ista tua stulta superstitione.” (I’m not interested in your dopey religious cult.)

- “Noli me vocare, ego te vocabo.” (Don’t call me, I’ll call you.)

- “Canis meus id comedit.” (My dog ate it.)

- “Fac ut gaudeam.” (Make my day.)

- “Utinam barbari spatium proprium tuum invadant!” (May barbarians invade your personal space!)

- “Utinam coniurati te in foro interficiant!” (May conspirators assassinate you in the mall!)

- “Radix lecti.” (Couch potato.)

- “Romani quidem artem amatoriam invenerunt” (You know, the Romans invented the art of love.)

- “Mellita, domi adsum.” (Honey, I’m home.)

- “Te precor dulcissime supplex!” (Pretty please with a cherry on top!)

- “Magister Mundi sum!” (I am the Master of the Universe!)

- “Fac me cocleario vomere!” (Gag me with a spoon!)

- “Te audire non possum. Musa sapientum fixa est in aure” (I can’t hear you. I have a banana in my ear.)

- “Estne volumen in toga, an solum tibi libet me videre?” (Is that a scroll in your toga, or are you just happy to see me?)

- “Prehende uxorem meam, sis!” (Take my wife, please!)

- “Quantum materiae materietur marmota monax si marmota monax materiam possit materiari?” (How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?)

- “Nihil est—in vita priore ego imperator Romanus fui” (That’s nothing—in a previous life I was a Roman Emperor.)

- “Recedite, plebes! Gero rem imperialem!” (Stand aside plebians! I am on imperial business.)

- “Vescere bracis meis” (Eat my shorts.)

- “Fac ut vivas” (Get a life.)

- “Insula Gilliganis.” (Gilligan’s Island.)

- “Coruscantes disci per convexa caeli volantes.” (Flying saucers.)

- Escariorium lavator. (Dishwashing machine.)

- Instrumentum aeri temperando. (Air conditioner.)

- Aeronavis abstractio a prestituto cursu. (Hijacking.)

- Latine loqui coactus sum. (I have this compulsion to speak Latin.)

- Qui vir odiosus! (What a bore!)

- Heu! Tintinnuntius meus sonat! (Darn! There goes my beeper!)

- Labra lege. (Read my lips.)

- Interdum feror cupidine partium magnarum Europe vincendarum. (Sometimes I get this urge to conquer large parts of Europe.)

- Prescriptio in manibus tabellariorium est. (The check is in the mail.)

- Braccae tuae aperiuntur. (Your fly is open.)

- Da mihi sis bubulae frustrum assae, solana tuberosa in modo Gallico fricta, ac quassum lactatum coagulatum crassum. (Give me a hamburger, french fries, and a thick shake.)

- Cum catapultae proscriptae erunt tum soli proscript catapultas habebunt. (When catapults are outlawed, only outlaws will have catapults.)

- Purgamentum init, exit purgamentum. (Garbage in, garbage out.)

- Vah! Denuone Latine loquebar? Me ineptum. Interdum modo elabitur. (Oh! Was I speaking Latin again? Silly me. Sometimes it just sort of slips out.)

- Sed quis custodiet ipsos custodes? (Who watches the watchmen?)

- Quidquid latine dictum sit, altum videtur (Anything said in Latin sounds profound.)

- “Si hoc legere scis nimium eruditiones habes.” (“if you can read this, you’re overeducated.”)

- “Absconde obesito illegitimo” (Get outta here you fat bastard)

- “Tum podem extulit horridulum” (you are talking sh*t)

- “Stercus tauri” (Bullsh*t)


----------



## RevMatt

Very nice, The Doug. I may have to work stercus tauri into my daily speech 

Here are some proposed Google products you might like, but don't hold your breath (_Time_, October 16th, via _Christian Century_, October 31):

- Ex Search: Find out if they're seeing anyone
- Soul Search: Browse and organize your sins, vices and failings
- Senior Search: Find out what you went upstairs for
- Fruedgle: Search your unconscious mind
- Schadenfreude Alerts: Get e-mail updates on bad things that happen to your obnoxious friends
- Afterlife Search (beta): Find friends and relatives in heaven and the other place


----------



## SINC

The difference between a neurotic and a psychotic is that, while a psychotic thinks that 2+2=5, a neurotic knows the answer is 4, but it worries him.


----------



## Cameo

Had to share this one


WHY PARENTS GET GREY HAIR....
> >
> > A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see the bed
> > nicely made up and everything neat and tidy. Then he saw an envelope
> > propped up prominently on the pillow. It was addressed, "Dad". With the
> > worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the letter with
> > trembling hands:
> >
> > Dear Dad,
> > It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope
> > with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with you and
> > Mom. I've been finding real passion with Joan and she is so nice. I 
> > knew
> > you would not approve of her because of all her piercing, tattoos, her
> > tight motorcycle clothes and because she is 15 years older than I am
> > ... but it's not only the passion, Dad, she's pregnant. Joan says that
> > we are going to be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods and has 
> > a
> > stack of firewood, enough for the whole winter. Joan has 3 small
> > children already, so by the time we have our own child, I will have had
> > training in that filed. We share a dream of having many more children. 
> > I
> > love a big family - especially at Christmas, just think of the fun you
> > and mom will have shopping for presents. Joan has opened my eyes to the
> > fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone. We'll be growing it and
> > trading it with the other people in the commune for all the cocaine 
> > and
> > ecstasy we want. In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a
> > cure for AIDS so Joan can get better; she sure deserves it! Don't worry
> > Dad, I'm 15 years old now and I know how to take care of myself.
> > Someday, I'm sure we'll be back to visit so you can get to know your
> > grandchildren.
> >
> > Your son, Chad
> >
> > P.S. Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Tommy's house. I just
> > wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the
> > report card that's in my desk drawer. I love you! Call when it is safe
> > for me to come home.


----------



## SINC

Siamese twins from the U.S. vacation at the same resort in England every year. 

The manager recognizes the conjoined brothers on one visit and asks if they keep coming back for the sights. 

"Oh, no," one of the twins says. "We've seen everything the city has to offer." 

"Perhaps you enjoy our many pubs?" the manager asks.

"We don't drink," one twin replies. 

"You must fancy our fish and chips, then?" the manager asks. 

"No, we prefer burgers," one twin says. 

"Then what makes you come back year after year?" the manager asks. 

The left twin points to his brother and says, "It's the only chance he gets to drive."


----------



## markceltic

You can see why immigrants might have a problem?


There is no egg in eggplant nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple. English muffins were not invented in England or French fries in France. Sweetmeats are candies, while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat. We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square, and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.

And why is it that writers write, but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce, and hammers don't ham? If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth beeth? One goose, 2 geese. So, one moose, 2 meese? One index, two indices? Is cheese the plural of choose?

If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught? If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?

In what language do people recite at a play, and play at a recital?

Ship by truck, and send cargo by ship? Have noses that run and feet that smell? Park on driveways and drive on parkways? How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites? How can the weather be hot as **** one day and cold as **** another?

When a house burns up, it burns down. You fill in a form by filling it out, and an alarm clock goes off by going on.

When the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible. And why, when I wind up my watch, I start it, but when I wind up this essay, I end it.


----------



## SINC

Two nuns, Sister Marilyn and Sister Helen, are traveling through Europe in their car. They get to Transylvania and are stopped at a traffic light. Suddenly, out of nowhere, a tiny little Dracula jumps onto the hood of the car and hisses through the windshield.

"Quick, quick!" shouts Sister Marilyn. "What shall we do?"

"Turn the windshield wipers on. That will get rid of the abomination," says Sister Helen.

Sister Marilyn switches them on, knocking Dracula about, but he clings on and continues hissing at the nuns.

"What shall I do now?" she shouts.

"Switch on the windshield washer. I filled it up with Holy Water at the Vatican," says Sister Helen.

Sister Marilyn turns on the windshield washer. Dracula screams as the water burns his skin, but he clings on and continues hissing at the nuns.

"Now what?" shouts Sister Marilyn.

"Show him your cross," says Sister Helen.

"Now you're talking," says Sister Marilyn. She opens the window and shouts, "Get the hell off our car!"


----------



## MaxPower

Finally, a new bumper sticker for BOTH political parties.
This hottest selling political bumper sticker comes from New York State:

"RUN HILARY RUN'

Democrats put it on the rear bumper.

Republicans put it on the front bumper.


----------



## The Doug

A big corporation recently hired several cannibals in the interest of cultural diversity.

You are all part of our team now," said the HR rep during the welcoming briefing. "You get all the usual benefits and you can go to the cafeteria for something to eat, but please don't eat any of the other employees."

The cannibals promised they would not. Four weeks later, their boss remarked, "You're all working very hard and I'm satisfied with you. However, one of our shipping clerks has disappeared. Do any of you know what happened to her?" The cannibals all shook their heads no.

After the boss left, the leader of the cannibals said to the others, "Which one of you idiots ate the shipping clerk ?" A hand rose hesitantly, to which the leader of the cannibals continued, "You fool --- for 4 weeks we've been eating managers and no one noticed anything. But Noooooo, you had to go and eat someone who actually does something!"


----------



## The Doug

A woman was admiring a beautiful parrot in a pet store, and told the manager she would like to buy it, and give it a good home.

The manager said "yes, it's a beautiful bird - but it used to belong to the owner of that brothel down the street that the police closed last week. And parrots can talk, if you know what I mean."

The woman pondered it over for a minute, then decided to buy the parrot anyway. Such a beautiful bird!

When she arrived home, the woman set up the parrot's cage in her living room and put the bird in it. Soon the parrot was settled in, and uttered its first words.

_"New madam! New house! New house!"_

There, the woman thought to herself. That's not too bad, at least there's no foul language. And the parrot could surely be taught new things to say.

A couple of hours later, the woman's daughter returned home from school, and the parrot perked up as the woman introduced her daughter to their new pet, without mentioning where it had lived previously.

_"New madam! New house! New girl! New house!"_

After that, the bird had a nap while supper was being prepared.

At around 6:00 p.m. the woman's husband Keith came home, and she was eager to show him their beautiful new pet. She led her husband to the living room, up to the cage. 

The parrot awoke as they approached. It looked at the woman's husband and said, _"Hi Keith! Hi Keith!_


----------



## MaxPower

For our US Friends on Thanksgiving:

A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store, but couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked the stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?"

The stock boy answered, "No ma'am, they're dead."


----------



## MACSPECTRUM

*Dark in Here, eh?*

A woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work.
Her 9-year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them and hides in the bedroom closet to watch.
The woman's husband also comes home. She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in there already.

The little boy says, "Dark in here, eh? ."
The man says, "Yes, it is."
Boy - "I have a baseball."
Man - "That's nice."
Boy - "Want to buy it?"
Man - "No, thanks."
Boy - "My dad's outside."
Man - "OK, how much?"
Boy - "$150"
Man - "Sold."

In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy
and the lover are in the closet together.
Boy - "Dark in here, eh?."
Man - "Yes, it is."
Boy - "I have a Wilson infielder's glove."
The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy,
"How much?"
Boy - "$350"
Man - "Highway robbery. Sold."

A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab
your gloves, let's go outside and have a game of catch."
The boy says, "I can't, I sold my ball and my glove."
The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?"
The boy says, "$500"

The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your
friends like that.. that is way more than those two things cost.
I'm going to take you to church and make you confess your greed."
They go to the church and the father makes the
little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.

The boy says, "Dark in here, eh? ."
The priest says, "Don't you start that **** again!


----------



## MACSPECTRUM

*Dark in Here, eh?*

A woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work.
Her 9-year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them and hides in the bedroom closet to watch.
The woman's husband also comes home. She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in there already.

The little boy says, "Dark in here, eh? ."
The man says, "Yes, it is."
Boy - "I have a baseball."
Man - "That's nice."
Boy - "Want to buy it?"
Man - "No, thanks."
Boy - "My dad's outside."
Man - "OK, how much?"
Boy - "$150"
Man - "Sold."

In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy
and the lover are in the closet together.
Boy - "Dark in here, eh?."
Man - "Yes, it is."
Boy - "I have a Wilson infielder's glove."
The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy,
"How much?"
Boy - "$350"
Man - "Highway robbery. Sold."

A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab
your gloves, let's go outside and have a game of catch."
The boy says, "I can't, I sold my ball and my glove."
The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?"
The boy says, "$500"

The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your
friends like that.. that is way more than those two things cost.
I'm going to take you to church and make you confess your greed."
They go to the church and the father makes the
little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.

The boy says, "Dark in here, eh? ."
The priest says, "Don't you start that sh*t again!


----------



## MissGulch

It was worthwhile telling this one twice.


----------



## markceltic

*Buying a Stun Gun, Beware*

Pocket Taser Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife.A guy who purchased his lovely wife a "pocket
Taser" for their anniversary submitted this...

Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol& Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion
was our 22nd an niversary and I was looking for alittle something extra for my wife Toni. What I came
across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser.The effects of the taser were supposed to be shortlived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat tosafety.... WAY TOO COOL!

Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two triple-a batteries inthe darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushedthe button AND pressed it against flesh or a metalsurface at the same time; I'd get the blue arch of
electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.

Awesome!!! Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Toni what that burn spot is on the faceof her microwave. Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-a batteries,right?!!!

There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while Iwas reading the directions and thinking that Ireally needed to try this thing out on a flesh &blood moving target. I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tanktop with my reading glasses perched delicately on
the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and taser in another. The directions said that a
one-second burst would shock and disorient you rassailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.

All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inchin circumference; pretty cute really (and loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-a batteries) thinking to
myself, "no possible way!"

What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best...

I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as to say, "don't do it master," reasoning that a one-second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad.. I decided to give myself a one-secondburst just for the heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and HOLYMOTHER, WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION!
(&# %&) (# %) (&#*#*)!!!

I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner and then
body slammed us both on the carpet over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs. The cat was standing over me making meowing sounds I had never heard before, licking my face, undoubtedly thinking to herself, "Do it again, do it again!"

Note: If you ever feel compelled to "mug"yourself with a taser, one note of caution:THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS A ONE-SECOND BURST when you zap yourself!!!You will not let go of that thing until itis dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. A three second burst would be considered conservative.That hurt like hell!!!
A minute or so later(I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape.My bent glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. How did they up get there???

My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shotup with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I'm still looking for my testicles and offering asignificant reward for their safe return.


----------



## SINC

Steven Spielberg was discussing his new project - an action docudrama about famous composers starring top movie stars. Sylvester Stallone, Steven Segall, Bruce Willis, and Arnold Schwarzenegger were all present. Spielberg strongly desired the box office 'oomph' of these superstars, so he was prepared to allow them to select whatever composers they would portray, as long as they were very famous.

"Well," started Stallone, "I've always admired Mozart. I would love to play him."

"Chopin has always been my favorite, and my image would improve if people saw me playing the piano," said Willis. "I'll play him."

"I've always been partial to Strauss and his waltzes," said Segall. "I'd like to play him."

Spielberg was very pleased with these choices. "Sounds splendid." Then, looking at Schwarzenegger, he asked, "Who do you want to be, Arnold?"

Arnold says, "I'll be Bach."


----------



## Dr.G.

Good one, Sinc.


----------



## The Doug

Move over, Wiki.


----------



## MaxPower

Last night, my wife and I were sitting in the living room and I said to her, "I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug."

She got up, unplugged the TV and then threw out my beer.


----------



## SINC

Yours too, eh?


----------



## SINC

A woman phones up her husband at work for a chat...

Says He: "I'm sorry honey but I'm up to my neck in work today"

Says She: "But I've got some good news and some bad news for you dear."

Says He: "OK darling, but since I've got no time now, just give me the good news, OK?"

Says She: "Well, the air bag works..."


----------



## SINC

A little boy was overheard talking to himself as he strutted through the backyard, wearing his baseball cap and toting a ball and bat. "I'm the greatest hitter in the world," he announced. 

Then, he tossed the ball into the air, swung at it, and missed. 

"Strike One!" he yelled. Undaunted, he picked up the ball and said again, "I'm the greatest hitter in the world!" He tossed the ball into the air. 

When it came down he swung again and missed. "Strike Two!" he cried. 

The boy then paused a moment to examine his bat and ball carefully. He spit on his hands and rubbed them together. 

He straightened his cap and said once more, "I'm the greatest hitter in the world!" Again he tossed the ball up in the air and swung at it. He missed. "Strike Three!" 

"Wow!" he exclaimed. "I'm the greatest PITCHER in the world!"


----------



## Dr.G.

An oldie but a goodie, Sinc. Less than four months till the start of the baseball season.


----------



## SINC

Dr.G. said:


> An oldie but a goodie, Sinc. Less than four months till the start of the baseball season.


I posted that baseball joke especially for you, Dr. G.


----------



## Dr.G.

Merci. I personally was always a good fungo hitter.


----------



## The Doug

A couple is in bed sleeping when there's a knock on the front door.

The husband rolls over and looks at the clock, and it's half past 3 in the morning.” I’m not getting out of bed at this time," he thinks, and rolls over. Then, a louder knock follows. So he drags himself out of bed, goes downstairs, opens the door, and there's a man standing there. It didn't take the homeowner long to realize the man was drunk.

"Hi there," slurs the stranger, "Can you give me a push?" "No, get lost. It's half past three and I was in bed," says the man as he slams the door. He goes back up to bed and tell his wife what happened and she says, "That wasn't very nice of you. Remember that night we broke down in the pouring rain on the way to pick the kids up from the baby-sitter and you had to knock on that man's house to get us started again? What would have happened if he'd told us to get lost?"

"But the guy was drunk," says the husband.

"It doesn't matter," says the wife.” He needs our help and it would be the Christian thing to help him." So the husband gets out of bed again, gets dressed, and goes downstairs.

He opens the door, and not being able to see the stranger anywhere, he shouts, "Hey, do you still want a push?"

And he hears a voice cry out, "Yeah, please."

So, still being unable to see the stranger he shouts, "Where are you?" 

The drunk shouted back, "Over here, on the swing."


----------



## SINC

A Summary of my 2006 Emails:

I must send my thanks to whoever sent me the one about rat poop in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet towel with every envelope that needs sealing. Also, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason. I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl (Penny Brown) who is about to die in the hospital for the 1,387,258th time. I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special e-mail program. 

I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out for me, and St. Theresa's novena has granted my every wish. I no longer eat KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers. I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day. 

Thanks to you, I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward an email to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes. Because of your concern I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains. I no longer can buy gasoline without taking a man along to watch the car so a serial killer won't crawl in my back seat when I'm pumping gas. I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr. Pepper since the people who make these products are atheists who refuse to put "Under God" on their cans. I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer. And thanks for letting me know I can't boil a cup water in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face...disfiguring me for life.

I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS. I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me. I no longer receive packages from UPS or FedEx since they are actually Al Qaeda in disguise. I no longer shop at Target since they are French and don't support our American troops or the Salvation Army. I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica, Uganda, Singapore, and Uzbekistan. I no longer have any sneakers -- but that will change once I receive my free replacement pair from Nike.

I no longer buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus since I now have their recipe. Thanks to you, I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big brown African spider is lurking under the seat to cause me instant death when it bites my butt. Thank you too for all the endless advice Andy Rooney has given us. I can live a better life now because he's told us how to fix everything. And thanks to your great advice, I can't ever pick up $5.00 I dropped in the parking lot because it probably was placed there by a sex molester waiting underneath my car to grab my leg. 

Oh, and don't forget this one either! I can no longer drive my car because I can't buy gas from certain gas companies! If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 PM this afternoon and the fleas from 12 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump.

I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbor's ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's beautician.

Have a wonderful day.

PS. A South American scientist from Argentina, after a lengthy study, has discovered that people with insufficient brain and sexual activity read their e-mail with their hand on the mouse. Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late!


----------



## Dr.G.

"Alas poor Sinc, I knew him, Horatio."


----------



## Dr.G.

After digging to a depth of 100 meters last year, Russian scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 1000 years, and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network one thousand years ago.

So, not to be outdone, in the weeks that followed, American scientists dug 200 metres, and headlines in the US papers read:

"US scientists have found traces of 2000 year old optical fibers and have concluded that their ancestors already had advanced high-tech digital telephone 1000 years earlier than the Russians."

One week later, the Newfoundland newspapers reported the following:
"After digging as deep as 500 metres, scientists from Newfoundland and Labrador have found absolutely nothing!"

They have concluded that 5000 years ago, their ancestors were already using wireless technology.

http://www.schaft.com/endofit.html


----------



## The Doug




----------



## SINC

One particular Christmas a long time ago, Santa was getting ready for his annual trip... but there were problems everywhere. Four of his elves got sick, and the trainee elves did not produce the toys as fast as the regular ones, so Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule. Then, Mrs. Claus told him that her Mom was coming to visit. This stressed Santa even more. 

Then when he went to harness the Reindeer, he found three of them were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out, heaven knows where. More stress. 

Then when he began to load the sleigh one of the boards cracked and the toy bag fell to the ground, and scattered the toys. So, frustrated, Santa went back into the house for a cup of coffee and a shot of whiskey. 

When he went to the cupboard, he discovered the elves had hid the liquor and there was nothing to drink. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the coffee pot and it broke into hundreds of little pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found that mice had eaten the straw it was made from. 

Just then, the doorbell rang and Santa cussed his way to the door. He opened the door and there was a little angel with a great big Christmas Tree. The angel said, very cheerfully, "Merry Christmas Santa. Isn't it just a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you, Isn't it just a lovely tree? Where would you like me to put it?"

And thus began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas Tree.


----------



## Guest

:clap: :clap: :clap:


----------



## The Doug

*Bumper Stickers*

That's OK, I Wasn't Using My Civil Liberties Anyway

Let's Fix Democracy in This Country First

Bush. Like a Rock. Only Dumber.

If You Can Read This, You're Not Our President

Jail to the Chief

No, Seriously, Why Did We Invade Iraq?

Bad President! No Banana.

We Need a President Who's Fluent In At Least One Language

Where Are We Going? And Why Are We In This Hand Basket?

Dubya, Your Dad Shoulda Pulled Out, Too

The Republican Party: Our Bridge to the 11th Century

What Part of "Bush Lied" Don't You Understand?

One Nation Under Clod

At Least Nixon Resigned


----------



## SINC

A drill sergeant had just chewed out one of his cadets, and as he was walking away, he turned to the cadet and said, "I guess when I die you'll come and dance on my grave." 

The cadet replied, "Not me, Sarge. I promised myself that when I got out of the Army I'd never stand in another line."


----------



## Dr.G.

A Montana cowboy was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous pasture
when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced out of a dust cloud towards him.
The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses
and
YSL tie, leans out the window and asks the cowboy, "If I tell you exactly
how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?"

The cowboy looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his
peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, "Sure, Why not?"
The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects
it to his Cingular RAZR V3 cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the
Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite navigation system to get an
exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that
scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.

The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports
it to an image processing facility in Hamburg , Germany .
Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has
been processed and the data stored. He then accesses a MS-SQL database
through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with e-mail on his Blackberry
and, after a few minutes, receives a response.

Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech,
miniaturized HP LaserJet printer and finally turns to the cowboy and
says, "You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves."

"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says the
cowboy.

He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on amused
as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.

Then the cowboy says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly
what your business is, will you give me back my calf?"

The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?"

You're a Congressman for the U.S. Government," says the cowboy.

"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"

"No guessing required," answered the cowboy.
"You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid
for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You tried to
show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don't know a thing about
cows, this is a herd of sheep.

"Now give me back my dog."


----------



## SINC

A dog story from Dr. G? How unusual. 

Here's a smile for you:

Henry's dad was a farmer in a poor district of the country. One day his Uncle Festus came to visit. Since there were limited accommodations, they were required to sleep together. 

When Uncle Festus came into the bedroom, he saw Henry kneeling at the side of the bed with his head bowed. 

Thinking this was the child's religious upbringing, he decided to present a good example and kneeled at the other side of the bed with his head bowed. 

Henry looked up and said, "Whatcha doin'?" 

"Why, the same thing you're doing", replied Uncle Festus. 

"Ma's gonna be mad", said Henry, "The pot's on this side."


----------



## Dr.G.

Sinc, that was more of a political humor joke than a dog joke.


----------



## SINC

Yes Dr. G., I knew what it was. The dog referred to your earlier joke.


----------



## SINC

Why men are just happier creatures:

What do you expect from such simple creatures?

Your last name stays put. The garage is all yours. Wedding plans take care of themselves. Chocolate is just another snack. You can never be pregnant. You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park. You can wear NO shirt to a water park. Car mechanics tell you the truth. The world is your urinal. You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky. You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt. Same work, more pay. Wrinkles add character. Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental $100. People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them. The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet. One mood all the time.

Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat. You know stuff about tanks. A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase. You can open all your own jars. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness. If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.

Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough. You almost never have strap problems in public. You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes. Everything on your face stays its original color. The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades. You only have to shave your face and neck.

You can play with toys all your life. Your belly usually hides your big hips. One wallet and one pair of shoes. One color for all seasons. You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look. You can "do" your nails with a pocket knife. You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.

And, you can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.

No wonder men are happier.


----------



## markceltic

In the year 2006, God came unto Noah, who was now living on Quadra Island, BC, and said, "Once again, the earth has become wicked and over-populated and I see the end of all flesh before me."

"Build another Ark and save 2 of every living thing along with a few good humans."
He gave Noah the blueprints, saying, you have 6 months to build the Ark before I will start the unending rain for 40 days and 40 nights.

Six months later, God looked down and saw Noah weeping in his yard---but no Ark.

Noah! he roared. I'm about to start the rain! Where is the Ark?

Forgive me God, begged Noah, but things have changed. I needed a building permit. I've been arguing with the inspector about the need for a sprinkler system.

My neighbours claim that I've violated the neighbourhood zoning laws by building the Ark in my yard and exceeding the height limitations.

We had to go to the Development Appeal Board for a decision.

Then the Department of Highways demanded a bond be posted for the future costs of moving power lines and other overhead obstructions, to clear the passage for the Ark's move to the sea. I told them that the sea would be coming to us, but they would hear nothing of it.

Getting the wood was another problem. There's a ban on cutting local trees in order to save the spotted owl. I tried to convince the environmentalists that I needed the wood to save the owls-but no go!

When I started gathering the animals, an animal rights group sued me. They insisted that I was confining wild animals against their will. They argued the accommodation was too restrictive, and it was cruel and inhuman to put so many animals in a confined space.

Then the Ministry of Environment ruled that I couldn't build the Ark until they had conducted an environmental impact study on your proposed flood.

I'm still trying to resolve a complaint with the Human Rights Commission on how many minorities I'm supposed to hire for my building crew. Immigration is checking the green-card status of most of the people who want to work.

The trades union say I can't use my sons. They insist I have to hire only Union workers with Ark building experience.

To make matters worse, the CRA seized all of my assets, claiming I'm trying to leave the country illegally with endangered species.

So, forgive me, God, but it would take at least 10 years for me to finish this Ark.

Suddenly the skies cleared, the sun began to shine, and a rainbow stretched across the sky.

Noah looked up in wonder and asked, you mean you're not going to destroy the world?

No, said God. The government beat me to it.


----------



## SINC

This one is for RevMatt:

A one dollar bill met a 20 dollar bill and said, "Hey, where've you been? I haven't seen you around here much."

The twenty answered, "I've been hanging out at the casinos, went on a cruise and did the rounds of the ship, back home for awhile, went to a couple of ball games, to the mall, that kind of stuff. How about you?"

The one dollar bill said, "You know, same old stuff, church, church, church."


----------



## SINC

A Hunter walking through the jungle found a huge dead dinosaur with a pigmy standing beside it. Amazed, he asked: "Did you kill that?".

The pigmy said "Yes."

The hunter asked "How could a little bloke like you kill a huge beast like that?"

Said the pigmy: "I killed it with my club."

The astonished hunter asked: "How big is your club?"

The pigmy replied: "There's about 60 of us."


----------



## The Doug

*Ooh A Goldmine!*





































More awful album covers here. Some images may not be suitable for younger viewers.


----------



## SINC

A man saw an elderly couple sitting down to lunch at a fast-food restaurant. He noticed that they had ordered just one meal, and as he watched, the older gentleman carefully divided the hamburger in half, then counted out the fries until each had half of them. The old man then began to eat, and his wife sat watching, with her hands folded in her lap.

The young man decided to ask if they would let him buy another meal for them so that they didn't have to split theirs.

The old gentleman said, "Oh, no. We've been married 50 years, and everything has always been and will always be shared 50-50."

The young man asked the wife if she was going to eat, to which she replied, "Not yet. It's his turn to use the teeth."


----------



## rgray

A wealthy old lady decides to go on a photo safari in Africa, taking her faithful aged poodle named Cuddles, along for the company. One day the poodle starts chasing butterflies and before long, Cuddles discovers that he's lost. Wandering about, he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch.

The old poodle thinks, "Oh, oh! I'm in deep doo-doo now!" Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap, the old poodle exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious leopard! I wonder if there are any more around here?"

Hearing this, the young leopard halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees. "Whew!", says the leopard, "That was close! That old poodle nearly had me!"

Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So off he goes, but the old poodle sees him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figures that something must be up. The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard.

The young leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here, monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine!"

Now, the old poodle sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back and thinks, "What am I going to do now?", but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet. Just when they get close enough to hear, the old poodle says, "Where's that damn monkey? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me
another leopard!"


Moral of this story....


Don't mess with old farts...age and treachery will always overcome youth and skill! Bull**** and brilliance only come with age and experience.

_I am in no way insinuating that any of you are old, some are just more "youth challenged" than others!!!!_


----------



## GratuitousApplesauce

markceltic said:


> In the year 2006, God came unto Noah, who was now living on Quadra Island, BC, and said, "Once again, the earth has become wicked and over-populated and I see the end of all flesh before me."
> 
> (... etc ...)
> 
> No, said God. The government beat me to it.


 Good one.

Alternative moral of the story: Guys who did crazy stuff based on voices in their heads used to have an easier time of it a few millennia ago.


----------



## GratuitousApplesauce

The Doug said:


> More awful album covers here. Some images may not be suitable for younger viewers.


Great link. A goldmine for sure! :lmao: 

How about?










Is this Dieter from SNL? "You want to touch my monkey?"










I think I actually remember hearing a cut from this album. [.... shudder ....]


----------



## SINC

An old Indian chief sat in his hut on the reservation, smoking a ceremonial pipe and eyeing two government officials sent to interview him. 

"Chief Two Eagles" asked one official, "You have observed the white man for 90 years. You've seen his wars and his technological advances. You've seen his progress, and the damage he's done." 

The Chief nodded in agreement. The official continued, "Considering all these events, in your opinion, where did the white man go wrong?" 

The Chief stared at the government officials for over a minute and then calmly replied . 

"When white man found the land, Indians were running it. 

No taxes, 

No debt, 

Plenty buffalo,

Plenty beaver, 

Women did all the work, 

Medicine man free, 

Indian man spent all day hunting and fishing,

All night having sex." 

Then the chief leaned back and smiled .... "Only white man dumb enough to think he could improve system like that."


----------



## Snapple Quaffer

I haven't been keeping an eye on this thread for a while, so apologies in advance if this has already made an appearance. Just got it forwarded to me in an email.

It was _apparently_ in the Washington Post, but who cares? 

The title of the article was [apparently] "Best Come Back Line Ever." 

In summary, the police arrested Patrick Lawrence, 22 year old white male resident of Dacula, GA, in a pumpkin patch 11:38 p.m. on Friday. Lawrence will be charged with lewd and lascivious behaviour, public indecency, and public intoxication, at the Gwinnett County courthouse on Monday. The suspect explained that as he was passing a pumpkin patch he decided to stop.
"You know, a pumpkin is soft and squishy inside, and there was no one around for miles. At least I thought there wasn't," he stated in a phone interview.
Lawrence went on to say that he pulled over to the side of the road, picked out a pumpkin that he felt was appropriate to his purpose, cut a hole in it, and proceeded to satisfy his alleged "need."
"Guess I was really into it, you know?" he commented with evident embarrassment.
In the process, Lawrence apparently failed to notice a Gwinnett County police car approaching and was unaware of his audience until Officer Brenda Taylor approached him.
"That was an unusual situation, that's for sure," said Officer Taylor."I walked up to Lawrence and he was just...... pumping away at this pumpkin."
Taylor went on to describe what happened when she approached Lawrence.
"I just went up and said, 'Excuse me sir, but do you realize that you're having sex with a pumpkin?'
He froze and was clearly very surprised that I was there, and then looked me straight in the face and said, "A pumpkin? DAMN, is it midnight already?"


----------



## Aurora

Flynn staggered home very late after another evening with his drinking buddy, Paddy. He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife, Mary. He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step. As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump. A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing especially painful.

Managing not to yell, Flynn sprung up, pulled down his pants, and looked in the hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks were cut and bleeding. He managed to quietly find a full box of Band-Aids and began putting a Band-Aid as best he could on each place he saw blood.

He then hid the now almost empty Band-Aid box and shuffled and stumbled his way to bed.

In the morning, Flynn woke up with searing pain in both his head and butt and Mary staring at him from across the room. She said, "You were drunk again last night weren't you?"

Flynn said, "Why do you say such a mean thing?

"Well," Mary said, "it could be the open front door, it could be the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood trailing through the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes, but mostly.....it's all those Band-Aids stuck on the hall mirror.


----------



## Cameo

INSTALLING HUSBAND

Dear Tech Support,

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slow down in overall system performance -- particularly in the flower and jewelry applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.

In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5 and then installed undesirable programs such as NFL 5.0, NBA 3.0, and Golf Clubs 4.1. Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system. I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail.

What can I do?

Signed, Desperate

Dear Desperate:

First keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while Husband 1.0 is an Operating System. Please enter the command: "http: I Thought You Loved Me.html" and try to download Tears 6.2 and don't forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update. If that application works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewelry 2.0 and Flowers 3.5.

But remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0 or Beer 6.1. Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will download the Snoring Loudly Beta. 

Whatever you do, DO NOT install Mother-in-law 1.0 (it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources). Also, do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend 5.0 program. 

These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.

In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. We recommend Food 3.0 and Hot Lingerie 7.7.

Good Luck, Tech Support


----------



## GratuitousApplesauce

(Found on the 'net, so I won't vouch for it's reality)

Stupid Warning Labels:

On a bicycle -- "Removing the wheel can influence the performance of the bicycle"
On a hammer -- "Misuse may lead to property damage and bodily injury."
On a toilet brush -- "Do not use for personal hygiene."
On car windshield sun shield -- "Do not drive with shield in place." (I think I saw this on the one I bought a couple of years ago.)
On aerosol cheese can -- "Remove cap."
On a fireplace log -- "Caution: Risk of Fire."
On a Sears hairdryer -- "Do not use while sleeping."
On a bag of Fritos -- "You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside."
On a bar of Dial soap -- "Directions: Use like regular soap."
On some Swanson frozen dinners -- "Serving suggestion: Defrost."
On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom) -- "Do not turn upside down."
On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding -- "Product will be hot after heating."
On electric cattle prod -- "For use on animals only."
On packaging for an iron -- "Do not iron clothes on body."
On children's cough medicine -- "Do not drive a car or operate machinery after
taking this medication."
On Nytol Sleep Aid -- "Warning: May cause drowsiness."
On most brands of Christmas lights -- "For indoor and outdoor use."
On Sainsbury's peanuts -- "Warning: contains nuts"
On an American Airlines packet of nuts -- "Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts."
On a child's Superman costume -- "Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly."

Obvious translation problems:

On a Japanese food processor -- "Not to be used for the other use."
On a Swedish Chainsaw -- "Do not attempt to stop chainsaw with your hands or genitals." OWWWWWW!


----------



## markceltic

Problems In The USA Postal Service

The US Postal Service has created a stamp with a picture of President George W. Bush to honor his first term achievements. In daily use it has been shown that the stamp is not sticking to envelopes. 

This has enraged the President, who demanded a full investigation. 

After a month of testing, a special presidential commission has made the following findings: 

1) The stamp is in perfect order. 
2) There is nothing wrong with the applied adhesive. 
3) People are spitting on the wrong side.


----------



## rgray




----------



## SINC

A young blonde female stock broker was bored with driving her BMW. It lacked individuality and besides that, every other girl in the office had one. She fancied something a bit more individual, perhaps a MG convertible.

That week she visited her local car dealer and spied a beautiful Jaguar XK140 convertible. It was wonderfully restored and she fell in love with it's gorgeous red paint job. An empty check stub later and off she was tearing down the leafy country lanes enjoying her beautiful new car. Her long blonde hair was flowing in the wind, music blaring from the radio, what could possibly go wrong?

At that thought there was a splutter from the engine and the car slowly coasted to a stop. She got out and lifted the bonnet and concluded after a few minutes that she didn't have a bloody clue what was wrong. Luckily she had her mobile phone with her and a quick phone call to the AutoClub and a short wait saw a bright shiny yellow van pull up behind her.

"That's a lovely car," said the mechanic. "What seems to be the matter?" "Well, it just conked out I'm afraid."

"Let me have look." He set to work and ten minutes later the engine was purring like a cat again.

"Thank goodness," she said. "What was the matter?" "Simple really, just crap in the carburetor," he replied.

Looking shocked she asked, "Oh, OK... How many times a week do I have to do that?"


----------



## simon

Did you hear about the teacher who was helping one of her kindergarten students put on his cowboy boots?

He asked for help and she could see why. Even with her pulling and him pushing, the little boots still didn't want to go on. By the time they got the second boot on, she had worked up a sweat. She almost cried when the little boy said, "Teacher, they're on the wrong feet." She looked, and sure enough, they were. It wasn't any easier pulling the boots off than it was putting them on. She managed to keep her cool as together they worked to get the boots back on, this time on the right feet.

He then announced, "These aren't my boots." She bit her tongue rather than get right in his face and scream, "Why didn't you say so?", like she wanted to. Once again, she struggled to help him pull the ill-fitting boots off his little feet.
No sooner had they gotten the boots off when he said, "They're my brother's boots. My Mom made me wear'em"

Now she didn't know if she should laugh or cry But, she mustered up what grace and courage she had left to wrestle the boots on his feet again. Helping him into his coat, she asked, "Now, where are your mittens?" He said, "I stuffed 'em in the toes of my boots."


----------



## simon

Jack was sitting on the plane when a guy took the seat beside him. The guy was a wreck, pale, hands shaking, moaning in fear. Jack said, "What's the matter?" 

"I've been transferred to Detroit; there's crazy people there. They've got lots of shootings, gangs, riots, drugs and the highest crime rate." Jack said, "I've lived in Detroit all my life. It's not as bad as the media says. Find a nice home, go to work, mind your own business, enroll your kids in a nice school and it's as safe as anywhere in the world."

The guy relaxed and stopped shaking and said, "Oh, thank you. I've been worried to death. But if you live there and say it's OK, I'll take your word for it. What do you do for a living?"

"Me?" said Jack. "I’m a tail gunner on a Budweiser beer truck."


----------



## simon

YOU GOTTA LOVE OLD MEN 

I was at the mall the other day eating at the food court. I noticed an old man watching a teenager sitting next to him. The teenager had spiked hair in all different colors: green, red, orange, and blue.

The old man kept staring at him. The teenager would look and find the old man staring every time. When the teenager had enough, he sarcastically asked, "What's the matter old man, never done anything wild in your life?"

The old man did not bat an eye in his response, "Got drunk once and had sex with a peacock. I was just wondering if you were my son."


----------



## MaxPower

One night a wife found her husband standing over their baby's crib. Silently she watched him. As he stood looking down at the sleeping infant, she saw on his face a mixture of emotions: disbelief, doubt, delight, amazement, enchantment, skepticism.

Touched by this unusual display and the deep emotions it aroused, with eyes glistening she slipped her arm around her husband.

"A penny for your thoughts," she said.

"It's amazing!" he replied. "I just can't see how anybody can make a crib like that for only $46.50."


----------



## The Doug

*The following questions and answers were apparently collated from last year's British GCSE exams.*

GEOGRAPHY

Q. Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink.
A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.

Q: How is dew formed?
A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.

Q: What causes the tides in the oceans?
A: The tides are a fight between the Earth and the Moon. All water tends to flow towards the Moon because there is no water on the Moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.

SOCIOLOGY
Q: What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on?
A: If you are buying a house, they will insist you are well endowed.

Q: In a democratic society, how important are elections?
A: Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an election.

Q: What are steroids?
A: Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.

BIOLOGY
Q: What happens to your body as you age?
A: When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.

Q: What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
A: He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.

Q: Name a major disease associated with cigarettes?
A: Premature death.

Q: How can you delay milk turning sour?
A: Keep it in the cow. 

Q: How are the main parts of the body categorised? (e.g. abdomen)
A: The body is consisted into three parts - the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The branium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels - A,E,I,O and U.

Q: What is the fibula?
A: A small lie.

Q: What does "varicose" mean?
A: Nearby.

Q: What is the most common form of birth control?
A: Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium.

Q: Give the meaning of the term "Caesarean section."
A: The Caesarean section is a district in Rome.

Q: What is a seizure?
A: A Roman emperor.

Q: What is a terminal illness?
A: When you are sick at the airport.

Q: Give an example of a fungus. What is a characteristic feature?
A: Mushrooms. They always grow in damp places and so they look like umbrellas.

ENGLISH
Q: Use the word "judicious" in a sentence to show you understand its meaning.
A: Hands that judicious can be soft as your face.

Q: What does the word "benign" mean?
A: Benign is what you will be after you be eight


----------



## markceltic

*Promises! Promises!*

So true isn't it?


----------



## krs

President Bush at his finest

http://1stclass.mylargescale.com/krs/Bush.wmv


----------



## Dr.G.

Krs, I have seen this twice before, but each time I see it again it makes me laugh.


----------



## The Doug

Dr.G. said:


> Krs, I have seen this twice before, but each time I see it again it makes me laugh.


A good take on the old "who's on first?" classic.

I am also fond of The Presidential Speechalist. :lmao:


----------



## Dr.G.

Yes, Doug, I am a fan of Abbott and Costello. The clip you included is also unique. Warren Harding, probably the worst president in the history of the US, made up his own words as well (He called for "a return to normalcy", even though, at the time, there was no word "normalcy" in the English language).


----------



## Bolor

Sinc, I think you may get a kick out of this one.
Two boys are playing hockey on a frozen pond in Red Deer , Alberta , when one of the boys is suddenly attacked by a crazed Rottweiler. Thinking quickly, the other boy takes his hockey stick, shoves it under the dog's collar, twists it, and breaks the dog's neck, saving his friend.
A reporter is strolling by, sees the incident, and rushes over to interview the boy. "Young Flames Fan Saves Friend From Viscious Animal" he starts writing in his book.
"But I'm not a Flames Fan" the little hero replies. 
"Sorry, but as we are in Alberta , I just assumed you were" says the reporter and he starts writing again.
"Oilers Fan Rescues Friend From Horrific Attack" he writes in his notebook.
"I'm not an Oilers fan either" the little boy says. 
"Oh, I assumed that everyone in Alberta was either for the Flames or the Oilers. What team do you root for?" the reporter asks.
" I am a Maple Leafs fan" the boy replies. 
The reporter starts a new page in his notebook and writes:

"Little Bastard from Ontario Kills Beloved Family Pet


----------



## The Doug




----------



## The Doug

Introducing... the book!


----------



## Dr.G.

Doug, an interesting clip in that this is actually a "milestone of literacy" that young children have to understand.


----------



## SINC

*Why did the chicken cross the road?*

*PAT BUCHANAN:* To steal a job from a decent, hardworking American.

*DR. SEUSS:* Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes! The chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed, I've not been told!

*ERNEST HEMINGWAY:* To die. In the rain.

*MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR.:* I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question.

*GRANDPA:* In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Someone told us that the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough for us.

*ARISTOTLE:* It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.

*KARL MARX:* It was a historical inevitability.

*SADDAM HUSSEIN:* This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were quite justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it.

*RONALD REAGAN:* What chicken?

*CAPTAIN JAMES T. KIRK:* To boldly go where no chicken has gone before.

*FOX MULDER:* You saw it cross the road with your own eyes. How many more chickens have to cross before you believe it?

*MACHIAVELLI:* The point is that the chicken crossed the road. Who cares why? The end of crossing the road justifies whatever motive there was.

*FREUD:* The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.

*BILL GATES:* I have just released eChicken 98, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook. Internet Explorer is an inextricable part of eChicken.

*EINSTEIN:* Did the chicken really cross the road or did the road move beneath the chicken?

*BILL CLINTON:* I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What do you mean by chicken? Could you define chicken please?

*IMMANUEL KANT:* The chicken was acting out of a sense of duty to cross the road, as chickens have traditionally crossed roads throughout history.

*THE BIBLE:* And God came down from the heavens, and He said unto the chicken, Thou shalt cross the road." And the chicken crossed the road, and there was much rejoicing.

*COLONEL SANDERS:* I missed one?

*RICHARD M. NIXON:* The chicken did not cross the road. I repeat, the chicken did not cross the road. I don't know any chickens. I have never known any chickens.


----------



## rgray

*War on Drugs/Crime/Terror.......*


----------



## The Doug

Has your water bill seemed a bit high lately? Here's one possible reason why.


----------



## bhil

The 6th grade science teacher, Mrs. Parks, asked her class, "Which human
body part increases to ten times its size when stimulated?"

No one answered until little Mary stood up and said, "You should not be
asking sixth-graders a question like that! I'm going to tell my parents,
and they will go and tell the principal, who will then fire you!" Mrs.
Parks ignored her and asked the question again.

"Which body part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?"

Little Mary's mouth fell open. Then she said to those around her, "Boy,
is she going to get in big trouble!"

The teacher continued to ignore her and said to the class, "Anybody?"

Finally, Billy stood up, looked around nervously, and said, "The body
part that increases 10 times its size when stimulated is the pupil of
the eye."

Mrs. Parks said, "Very good, Billy," then turned to Mary and continued,
"As for you, young lady, I have three things to say:
One, you have a dirty mind.

Two, you didn't read your homework

And three, one day you are going to be very, very disappointed."


----------



## SINC

A couple were in the car heading home from a weekend trip out of town. 

They needed gasoline, so they stopped at a gas station just off the highway and maneuvered up to a pump. On this particular pump there was a hand written sign placed there by management that read, "This pump is very slow." 

Just below this message, some joker had added, "My name is Forest . . . Forest Pump."


----------



## MACSPECTRUM

*9 Months Later...*

9 Months Later...


Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. So they
loaded up Jack's minivan and headed north. After driving for a few hours,
they got caught in a terrible blizzard. So they pulled into a nearby farm
and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the
night.


"I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this
huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed," she explained. "I'm
afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house."


"Don't worry," Jack said. "We'll be happy to sleep in the
barn. And if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light." The lady
agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the
night. Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way.
They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.


But about nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter
from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally
determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met
on the ski weekend.


He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked, "Bob, do you
remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski
holiday up north about 9 months ago?"


"Yes, I do." said Bob


"Did you, er, happen to get up in the middle of the night,
go up to the house and pay her a visit?"


"Well, um, yes," Bob said, a little embarrassed about being
found out, "I have to admit that I did."


"And did you happen to give her my name instead of telling
her your name?"


Bob's face turned beet red and he said, "Yeah, look, I'm
sorry, buddy. I'm afraid I did." "Why do you ask?"


"She just died and left me everything."


----------



## The Doug

*Q:* What's the least used sentence in the English Language?

*A:* "That's the banjo player's Porsche."


----------



## markceltic

Cool Supermarket

A new supermarket opened near my house. It has an automatic water
mister to keep the produce fresh. Just before it goes on, you hear the 
sound of distant thunder and the smell of fresh rain.

When you approach the milk cases, you hear cows mooing and experience
the scent of fresh hay.

When you approach the egg case, you hear hens cluck and cackle, and the
air is filled with the pleasing aroma of bacon and eggs frying.

The veggie department features the smell of fresh buttered corn.

I don't buy toilet paper there any more.


----------



## The Doug

A 76 year old man loved to fish. He was sitting in his boat the other day when he heard a voice say, "Pick me up."

He looked around and couldn't see any one. He thought he was dreaming when he heard the voice say again, "Pick me up." He looked in the water and there, floating on the top, was a frog.

The man said, "Are you talking to me?"

The frog said, "Yes, I'm talking to you. Pick me up. Then, kiss me and I'll turn into the most beautiful woman you have ever seen. I'll make sure that all your friends are envious and jealous because you will have me as your bride."

The man looked at the frog for a short time, reached over, picked it up carefully, and placed it in his front breast pocket.

Then the frog said, "What, are you nuts? Didn't you hear what I said? I said kiss me and I will be your beautiful bride."

He opened his pocket, looked at the frog and said, "Nah, at my age I'd rather have a talking frog."


----------



## SINC




----------



## manaia

Sorry might be a re-post. Not too sure where it came from. Maybe a journal of some sort. It's funny anyway... 
:clap: :clap: :clap:


I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ
so much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I
have never figured out why men think with their head and women with
their heart.

FOR EXAMPLE:

One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed.

Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says, "I don't
feel like it, I just want you to hold me."

I said, "WHAT??!! What was that?!"

So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to
hear...

"You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough
for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man."

She responded to my puzzled look by saying, "Can't you just love me
for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?"

Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to
sleep.

The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time
with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big
unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on
several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which
one to take, so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to
compliment her new clothes, so I said, "Lets get a pair for each
outfit."

We went on to the jewellery department where she picked out a pair of
diamond earrings. Let me tell you... she was so excited. She must have
thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she
was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't
even know how to play tennis.

I think I threw her for a loop when I said, "That's fine, honey." She
was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement.
Smiling with excited anticipation, she finally said, "I think this is
all dear, let's go to the cashier."

I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No honey, I don't
feel like it."

Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled,
"WHAT?"

I then said, "Honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while.
You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for
me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman."

And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I
added,"Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things
I buy you?"

Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either.... but at least she now knows I'm smarter than her.


----------



## gwillikers

*Newfie Joke*

_Probably already posted, but oh well...
_

On a golf tour in Newfoundland, Tiger Woods drives his new Hummer into a gas 
station in a remote outport. The pump attendant, obviously knows nothing 
about golf, greets him in a typical Newfoundlander manner completely unaware 
of who the golfing pro is.

"How's she cuttin' bye" says the attendant. Tiger nods a quick "hello" and 
bends forward to pick up the nozzle. As he does so, two tees fall out of his 
shirt pocket onto the ground. "What are dose?" Asks the attendant.

"They're called tees" replies Tiger.

"Well, what on god's earth are dey for?" inquires the attendant.

"They're for resting my balls on when I'm driving", says Tiger.

"Fookin Jaysus", says the Newfoundlander, "Hummer tinks of Everyting!"


----------



## Dr.G.

I was sitting at a local dogshow, watching my wife show our dachshund (aka doxie) when I overheard someone say "Look at that strange looking doxie, Pisa Schitt. How could anyone love such a dog?" Upon hearing this slander, I replied,

"That doxie is now called CKC Champion Pisa Schitt. She had 5 littermates. These beautiful doxie puppies were named Holie Schitt, Noe Schitt, Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt, and the one with the nervous disposition was called Chicken Schitt.

We have bred her to the Happens line of dachshund and she is expecting the Schitt Happens litter in 2 months.

Her daddy, Awe Schitt, mommy, Oh Schitt and her Grand Daddy, the Famous Jack Schitt, are all very proud.

However, there is no sense telling you all this because I can clearly see you don't know Jack Schitt."


----------



## GratuitousApplesauce

ooohh looky widdle poofy woofy ...

... oh sorry guys - the cat just walked by. It's a scientific effect explained in the attachment. (From this blog)


----------



## The Doug

*Q:* What do you do with a rhinoceros that has three balls?

*A:* Walk him, and pitch to the elephant that's up next.


----------



## SINC

A drunk man who smelled like beer sat down on a subway seat next to a priest. The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half-empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading.

After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked, "Say, Father, what causes arthritis?"

"My Son, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol and a contempt for your fellow man," the priest said.

"Well, I'll be damned," the drunk muttered, returning to his paper.

The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized. "I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?"

"I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does," the man said.


----------



## SINC

According to a new book, a survey asked 50 women what they would do if they had a male sex organ for one day.

Most of them said, 'Probably get a salary increase.'


----------



## MACSPECTRUM

While out on the trail one day, a cowboy met an Indian riding along with a
dog and sheep and began a conversation with him.

Cowboy: “Hey, cool dog you got there. Mind if I speak to him?”

Indian: “Dog no talk.”

Cowboy: “Hey dog, how’s it going?”

Dog: “Doin’ alright.”

Indian: Look of shock.

Cowboy: “Is this Indian your owner?” pointing at the Indian.

Dog: “Yep”

Cowboy: “How does he treat you?”

Dog: “Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food,
and takes me to the lake once a week to play.”

Indian: Look of total disbelief.

Cowboy: “Mind if I talk to your horse?”

Indian: “Horse no talk.”

Cowboy: “Hey horse, how’s it going?”

Horse: “Cool.”

Indian: Extreme look of shock.

Cowboy: “Is this your owner? ” pointing at Indian

Horse: “Yep”

Cowboy: “How’s he treat you?”

Horse: “Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly,
brushes me down often, and keeps me in a shed to protect me.”

Indian: Total look of utter amazement.

Cowboy: “Mind if I talk to your sheep?”

Indian: “Sheep liar.”


----------



## SINC

A man asked his doctor if he thought he'd live to be a hundred.

The doctor asked the man, "Do you smoke or drink?"

"No," he replied. "I've never done either."

"Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or fool around with women?" inquired the doctor.

"No, I've never done any of those things either."

"Well, then," said the doctor, "why do you want to live to be a hundred?"


----------



## The Doug

Interesting quiz.


----------



## Dr.G.

Doug, you are evil. Still, I sent it on to my wife. She will do it quickly. I waited until I had time. Merci, mon ami.


----------



## Dr.G.

#1.What is Irish summer-time lawn furniture called?
#2.What do you call a fake stone in Ireland?







Answers: #1. Paddy O' Funiture
#2. A sham rock.


----------



## MissGulch

A Canadian is walking down the street with a case of beer under his arm.

His friend stops him and asks, "Hey, whatcha got that case of beer for?"

"I got it for my wife," he answers.

"Wow," the friend says. "Great trade."


----------



## SINC

HELL EXPLAINED BY A CHEMISTRY STUDENT

The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry mid term. 

The answer by one student was so "profound" that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well : 

Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)? 

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant. 

One student, however, wrote the following: 

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today. 

Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added. 

This gives two possibilities: 

1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose. 

2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over. 

So which is it? 

If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, "It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you," and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct......leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting "Oh my God." 

THIS STUDENT RECEIVED AN A+


----------



## Dr.G.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9v_IYA99iL0 Watch out for stampeding doxies


----------



## SINC

Shakey went to a psychiatrist. "Doc," he said, "I've got trouble. Every time I get into bed, I think there's somebody under it. When I get under the bed, I think there's somebody on top of it. Top, under, top, under. You gotta help me, I'm going crazy!"

"Just put yourself in my hands for two years," said the shrink. "Come to me three times a week, and I'll cure your fears."

"How much do you charge?"

"A hundred dollars per visit."

"I'll sleep on it," said Shakey.

Six months later the doctor met Shakey on the street. "Why didn't you ever come to see me again?" asked the psychiatrist.

"For a hundred buck's a visit? A bartender cured me for ten dollars."

"Is that so! How?"

"He told me to cut the legs off the bed!"


----------



## SINC

This one's for Dr. G.:

A Jewish family invited their gentile neighbors for holiday dinner. 

The first course was set in front of them and the Jewish couple announced, "This is matzoh ball soup." 

On seeing the two large matzoh balls in the soup, the gentile man was hesitant to taste this strange looking brew. 

Gently, the Jewish couple pressed the gentile man. "Just have a taste. If you don't like it, you don't have to finish it." 

Finally he agrees. He digs his spoon in, first picking up a small piece of matzoh ball with some soup in the spoon, and tasting it gingerly. The usual "mmm" sound can be heard coming from somewhere deep in his chest, and he quickly finished the soup. 

"That was delicious," he said. "Can you eat any other parts of the matzoh?"


----------



## Dr.G.

Don, we used to tell this joke when I was a boy. Of course, when you are 10 years old, any joke that implied an anatomical body part brought on laughter. Shalom, mon ami.


----------



## rgray

*How to Write Real Good*

How to Write Real Good

1. Verbs has to agree with their subjects.

2. Prepositions are not words to end sentences with.

3. And don't start a sentence with a conjunction.

4. It Is wrong to ever split an infinitive, in spite of what the Oxford Dictionary now says!

5. Avoid cliches like the plague. (They're old hat)

6. Also, always avoid annoying alliteration.

7. Also too, never, ever use repetitive redundancies.

8. Be more or less specific.

9. Parenthetical remarks (however relevant) are (usually)unnecessary.

10. No sentence fragments.

11. Contractions aren't necessary and shouldn't be used.

12. Foreign words and phrases are not apropos.

13. Do not be redundant; do not use more words than necessary; it's highly superfluous.

14. Never generalize.

15. Comparisons are as bad as cliches.

16. Don't use no double negatives.

17. Eschew ampersands & abbreviations, etc.

18. One-word sentences? Eliminate.

19. Analogies in writing are like feathers on a snake.

20. The passive voice is to be avoided.

21. Eliminate commas, that are, not necessary. Parenthetical words however should be enclosed in commas.

22. Never use a big word when a diminutive one will suffice.

23. Kill all exclamation points!!!

24. Use words correctly, irregardless of how others use them.

25. Profanity is for goddam idiots.

26. Understatement is always the absolute best way to put forth earthshaking ideas.

27. Use the apostrophe in it's proper place and omit it when its not needed.

28. Eliminate quotations. As Ralph Waldo Emerson said, "I hate quotations. Tell me what you know."

29. If you've heard it once, you've heard it a thousand times: Resist hyperbole; not one writer in a million can use it effectively.

30. Puns are for children, not for groan readers.

31. Go around the barn at high noon to avoid colloquialisms.

32. Even if a mixed metaphor sings, it should be derailed.

33. Who needs rhetorical questions?

34. Exaggeration is a billion times worse than understatement.

And finally...

35. Proofread carefully to see if you any words out.


----------



## markceltic

A man died and went to heaven. As he stood in front of St.
Peter at the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him.

He asked, "What are all those clocks?"

St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a
Lie-Clock. Every time you lie the hands on your clock will move."

"Oh,"said the man, "whose clock is that?"

"That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved, indicating that she
never told a lie."

"Incredible," said the man. "And whose clock is that one?" St. Peter
responded, "That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have moved 
twice, telling us that Abe told only two lies in his entire life."

"Where's Bush's clock?" asked the man. "Bush's clock is in Jesus' office.
He's using it as a ceiling fan."


----------



## rgray

*a good BOAT story*

They say the happiest days in life are the day you buy a boat and the day you sell it!! Well, here's a good BOAT story!!

Joe and John were identical twins. Joe owned an old dilapidated boat and kept pretty much to himself. One day he rented out his boat to a group of out-of-staters who sank it. Joe spent all day trying to salvage as much stuff as he could and was out of touch all that day and most of the evening.

Unbeknownst to him, his brother John's wife died suddenly. When he got back on shore he went into town to pick up a few things at the grocery store. A kind old neighbor woman mistook him for John and said "I'm so sorry for your loss. You must feel terrible."

Joe, thinking she was talking about his boat said: "Hell no! Fact is I'm sort of glad to be rid of her. She was a rotten old thing from the beginning. Her bottom was all shrivelled up and she smelled like old dead fish. She was always holding water. She had a bad crack in the back and a pretty big hole in the front too. Every time I used her, her hole got bigger and she leaked like crazy. I guess what finally finished her off was when I rented her to those four guys looking for a good time. I warned them that she wasn't very good and smelled bad. But they wanted her anyway. The darn fools tried to get in her all at one time and she split right up the middle!"

The old woman fainted.


----------



## The Doug




----------



## SINC

Shift worker husband's note on refrigerator for his wife: 

"Someone from the Gyna Colleges called.

They said the Pabst beer is normal.

I didn't even know you liked beer."


----------



## winwintoo

This has probably been posted before, but it's still funny.

THE HUSBAND STORE

A store that sells new husbands has just opened in New York City. A woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates. 

You may visit the store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the attributes of the men increase as the shopper ascends the flights. There is, however, a catch: you may choose any man from a particular floor, or you may choose to go up a floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!


So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband.
On the first floor the sign on the door reads: 
Floor 1 - These men have jobs.

The second floor sign reads: 
Floor 2 - These men have jobs and love kids.

The third floor sign reads:

Floor 3 - These men have jobs, love kids, and are extremely good looking. Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

She goes to the fourth floor and sign reads: 
Floor 4 - These men have jobs, love kids, are drop-dead good looking and help with the housework. "Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!"

Still, she goes to the fifth floor and sign reads:

Floor 5 - These men have jobs, love kids, are drop-dead gorgeous, help with the housework, and have a strong romantic streak. 

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor and the sign reads: 
Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store ! 



THE WIFE STORE
A new wives store opened across the street.
The first floor has women that love sex.
The second floor has women that love sex and have money.

The third through sixth floors have never been visited. 

Margaret


----------



## gwillikers

A woman went to a pet shop & immediately spotted a large, beautiful parrot..

There was a sign on the cage that said $50.00.

"Why so little," she asked the pet store owner.

The owner looked at her and said, "Look, I should tell you first that this
bird used to live in a house of Prostitution and sometimes it says some
pretty vulgar stuff."

The woman thought about this, but decided she had to have the bird anyway.

She took it home and hung the bird's cage up in her living room and waited
for it to say something. The bird looked around the room, then at her, and
said "New house, new madam."

The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then thought "that's
really not so bad."

When her 2 teenage daughters returned from school the bird saw them and
said, "New house, new madam, new girls."

The girls and the woman were a bit offended but then began to laugh about
the situation considering how and where the parrot had been raised.

Moments later, the woman's husband Keith came home from work.

The bird looked at him and said, "Hi, Keith!"


----------



## The Doug

Tony Blair is visiting an Edinburgh hospital. He enters a ward full of patients with no obvious sign of injury or illness and greets one. The patient replies:

_"Fair fa your honest sonsie face,
Great chieftain o' the puddin race,
Aboon them a you take your place,
Painch, tripe or thairm,
As langs my airm."_

Blair is confused, so he just grins and moves on to the next patient.

The patient responds:

_"Some hae meat and canna eat,
And some wad eat that want it,
But we hae meat and we can eat,
So let the Lord be thankit."_

Even more confused, and his grin now rictus-like, the PM moves on to the next patient, who immediately begins to chant:

_"We sleekit, cowerin, timrous beasty,
Thou needna start awa sae hastie,
Wi bickering brattle."_

Now seriously troubled, Blair turns to the accompanying doctor and asks "What kind of facility is this? A mental ward?"

"No", replies the doctor. "This is the serious Burns unit."


----------



## The Doug

*Q:* How many surrealists does it take to change a lightbulb? 

*A:* A fish.


----------



## SINC

The three Goldberg brothers, Norman, Hyman, and Max invented and developed the first automobile air conditioner.

On July 17th, 1946, the temperature in Detroit was 97º. The three brothers walked into old man Henry Ford's office and sweet-talked his secretary into telling him that three gentlemen were there with the most exciting innovation in the auto industry since the electric starter.

Henry was curious and invited them into his office. They refused and instead asked that he come out to the parking lot to their car. They persuaded him to get into the car which was about 130º, turned on the air conditioner and cooled the car off immediately.

The old man got very excited and invited them back to the office, where he offered them $3 million dollars for the patent.

The brothers refused saying they would settle for $2 million but they wanted the recognition by having a label "The Goldberg Air Conditioner" on the dashboard of each car that it was installed in.

Now old man Ford had a big ego and there was no way he was going to put the Goldberg's name on two million "Ford" cars.

They haggled back and forth for about two more hours and finally agreed on $4 million dollars and that just their first names would be shown.

And so, even today, all Ford air-conditioners show on the controls, the names "Norm, Hi and Max".


----------



## The Doug




----------



## iLabmAn

The Doug said:


>



Those are the best!!!!:clap: :clap: :clap: :clap: :clap: :clap: :clap:


----------



## rgray

*Osama Writes George a Letter*

After numerous rounds of "We don't even know if Osama is still alive," Osama himself decided to send George Bush a letter in his own handwriting to let him know he was still in the game. 

Bush opened the letter and it appeared to contain a single line of coded message: 
370HSSV-0773H 

Bush was baffled, so he e-mailed it to Condi Rice. Condi and her aides had no clue either, so they sent it to the FBI. 

No one could solve it at the FBI so it went to the CIA, then to the NSA. With no clue as to its meaning they eventually asked Britain's MI-6 for help. 

Within a minute MI-6 cabled the White House with this reply "Tell the President he's holding the message upside down."


----------



## The Doug




----------



## SINC




----------



## simon

An Italian, and Irishman and a Chinese fellow are hired at a construction site. The foreman points out a huge pile of sand and says to the Italian guy. "You're in charge of sweeping," to the Irishman, "You're in charge of shoveling," and to the Chinese guy, "And you're in charge of supplies."

"Now, I have to leave for a little while. I expect you guys to make a dent in that pile." So the foreman goes away for a couple hours, and when he returns, the pile of sand is untouched. He says to the Italian, "Why didn't you sweep any of it?"

The Italian replies, "I didn't have a broom. You said the Chinese guy was in charge of supplies, but he disappeared and I couldn't find him." So then the foreman turns to the Irishman and asks why he didn't shovel. The Irishman replies, "I couldn't get myself a shovel. You left the Chinese guy in charge of supplies, but I couldn't find him."

The foreman is really pissed off now, and storms off toward the pile of sand looking for the Chinese guy. Just then, the Chinese guy springs out from behind the pile of sand and yells 'SUPPLIES!"


----------



## simon

A small zoo in Arkansas obtained a very rare species of gorilla. Within a few weeks the gorilla, a beautiful female, became very difficult to handle. Upon examination the zoo veterinarian determined the problem. The gorilla was in heat. To make matters worse, there was no male gorilla available.

Thinking about their problem, the zoo keeper thought of Bobby Lee Walton a ******* part-time worker responsible for cleaning the animal cages. Bobby Lee, like most ********, had little sense but possessed ample ability to satisfy a female of any species.

The zoo keeper thought they might have a solution. Bobby Lee was approached with a proposition. Would he be willing to mate with the gorilla for $500.00? Bobby Lee showed some interest but said he would have to think the matter over carefully. The following day he announced that he would accept their offer but only under four conditions.

"First", Bobby Lee said, "I ain't gonna kiss her on the lips." The keeper quickly agreed to this condition.

"Second", he said, "You can't never tell no one about this." The keeper again readily agreed to this condition.

"Third", Bobby Lee said, "I want all the children raised Southern Baptist." Once again, it was agreed.

"And lastly", Bobby Lee said, "I'll need another week to come up with the $500.00."


----------



## simon

Dear Abby,
I’ve never written to you before, but I really need your advice on what could be a crucial decision. I’ve suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me.

The usual signs… Phone rings but if I answer, the caller hangs up.?My wife has been going out with the girls a lot recently although when I ask their names she always says, “Just some friends from work, you don’t know them.” I always stay awake to look out for her taxi coming home, but she always walks down the drive. Although I can hear a car driving off, as if she has gotten out of the car round the corner. Why? Maybe she wasn’t in a taxi?

I once picked her cell phone up just to see what time it was and she went berserk and screamed that I should never touch her phone again and why was I checking up on her. Anyway, I have never approached the subject with my wife. I think deep down I just didn’t want to know the truth, but last night she went out again and I decided to really check on her.

I decided I was going to park my Harley Davidson motorcycle next to the garage and then hide behind it so I could get a good view of the whole street when she came home. It was at that moment, crouching behind my Harley, that I noticed that the valve covers on my engine seemed to be leaking a little oil.

Is this something I can fix myself or should I take it back to the dealer?


----------



## markceltic

A 2006 study found that the average Canadian walks about 900 miles per year.

Another study found that Canadians drink an average of 22 gallons of beer per year.

That means, on average, Canadians get approximately 41 miles per gallon.


----------



## The Doug

A duck walked into a bar. "Do you have bread?" it asked of the bartender.

The bartender replied, "I'm sorry, but I'm afraid that we don't have any bread."

"Do you have bread?" the duck asked again.

"Eeeh...no, as I just told you. We don't have any bread," the bartender replied testily.

"Do you have bread?"

"Nooooooo!" yelled the bartender.

"Do you have bread?" the duck asked yet again.

The bartender pointed at the duck and said through gritted teeth, "If you ask that question again, I´m gonna nail your beak in the counter!!!!!"

The duck hesitated for a second and asked, "Do you have nails?"

"No", replied the bartender.

"Do you have bread?" asked the duck.


----------



## markceltic

A man was driving down the road. He passed a traffic camera and saw it flash.

Astounded that he had been caught speeding when he was doing the speed limit, he turned around and, going even slower, he passed by the camera.

Again, he saw it flash. He couldn't believe it! So he turned and, going a snail's pace, he passed the camera.

AGAIN, he saw the camera flash. He guessed it must have a fault, and home he went.

Four weeks later he received 3 traffic fines in the mail, all for not wearing a seatbelt.


----------



## mrjimmy

What was the last thing Jimmy Hoffa said to the Teamsters?

Don't do anything until I get back...


----------



## markceltic

According to a news report, a certain school in Garden City, MI was recently faced with a unique problem. A number of 12-year-old girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the washroom. That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints.

Every night, the maintenance man would remove them and the next day, the girls would put them back.

Finally the principal decided that something had to be done. He called all the girls to the washroom and met them there with the maintenance man. He explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night.

To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, he asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required. 

He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet bowl, and cleaned the mirror with it.

Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.

THE MORAL OF THIS STORY.............There are teachers, and then there are Educators.


----------



## SINC

An old Indian Chief was asked the name of his wife.

He replied, "Wife name, Three Horse".

"That's an unusual name for your wife, 'Three Horse', what does it mean Chief?"

"It old Indian name", he replied. 

"Means, nag, nag, nag."


----------



## krs

Holly wood Squares_ game show responses were spontaneous, not 
scripted, as they are now. Peter Marshall was the host asking the 
questions, of course.

Q. Do female frogs croak?
A.** Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long 
enough.** **

Q. If you're going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should 
you be?
**A. Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.
**

Q. True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years.
**A. George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes.
**

Q. You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or 
a woman?
**A. Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me awake.
**

Q. According to Cosmopolitain, if you meet a stranger at a party and you 
think that he is attractive, is it okay to come out and ask him if he's 
married?
**A. Rose Marie: No; wait until morning.
**

Q. Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?
**A. Charley Weaver: My sense of decency.
**

Q. In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to say "I Love You"?
**A. Vincent Price: No, you can say it with a pineapple and a twenty.

**
Q. What are "Do It," "I Can Help," and "I Can't Get Enough"?
**A. George Gobel: I don't know, but it's coming from the next 
apartment.** **

Q. As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your 
hands while talking?
**A. Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing old question Peter, and 
I'll give you a gesture you' ll never forget.**

Q. Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather?
**A. Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.
**

Q. Charley, you've just decided to gro w strawberries. Are you going to 
get any during the first year?
**A. Charley Weaver: Of course not, I'm too busy growing strawberries.
**

Q. In bowling, what's a perfect score?
**A. Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.
**

Q. It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist 
camps.** **One is politics, what is the other?
**A. Paul Lynde: Tape measures.**

Q. During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet?
**A. Rose Marie: Unfortunately Peter, I'm always safe in the bedroom.
**

Q. Can boys join the **Camp Fire Girls?
A. Marty Allen: Only after lights out.

Q. When you pat a dog on its head he will wag his tail. What will a 
goose do?
A. Paul Lynde: Make him bark?

Q. If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to?
A. Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark.

Q. According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong with getting into 
the habit of kissing a lot of people?
A. Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army.

Q. It is the most abused and neglected part of your body, what is it?
A. Paul Lynde: Mine may be abused, but it certainly isn't neglected.

Q. Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head, 
what was he trying to do?
A. George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.

Q. Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your 
elephant?
A. Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant?

Q. When a couple have a baby, who is responsible for its sex?
A. Charley Weaver: I'll lend him the car, the rest is up to him.

* **Q. Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them 
and has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they?***
***A. Charley Weaver: His feet.**

**Q.** **According to Ann Landers, what are two things you should 
never do in bed?**
**A. Paul Lynde: Point and laugh.**


----------



## SINC

The privilege of naming all the children of the tribe always fell to the chief.

One day a small boy asked him how he chose the names for all the children.

"Well, my son," the chief replied, "When I step out of my house, I name each child after the first thing I see.

"For instance, when a child is born and I step out of my house and see a pale moon rising, I say - you shall be called, Pale-Moon-Rising."

"And when a child is born and I step out of my house and see a hawk flying over, I say - you shall be called, Hawk-Flying-Over."

"So why do you ask, Big-Dog Pooping?"


----------



## krs

Larry was in trouble.
He forgot his wedding anniversary.
His wife was really angry.
She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in less then 6 seconds... AND IT BETTER BE THERE!!!"

The next morning Larry got up early and left for work.
When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a gift-box for her in the middle of the driveway.
Confused, the wife put on her robe, ran out to the driveway and brought the box back in the house.

She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

Larry has been missing since Friday


----------



## markceltic

One day a florist goes to a barber for a haircut.. After the cut he
asked about his bill and the barber replies, "I cannot accept money
from you. I'm doing community service this week." The florist is
pleased and leaves the shop.

Next morning when the barber goes to open his shop, there is a thank
you card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door.

Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he goes to pay his bill
the barber again replies, "I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing
community service this week." The cop is happy and leaves the shop.

Next morning when the barber goes to open up there is a thank you
card and a dozen donuts waiting for him at his door.

Later a Republican comes in for a haircut, and when he goes to pay
his bill the barber again replies, "I c annot accept money from you.
I'm doing community service this week." The Republican is very
happy and leaves the shop.

Next morning when the barber goes to open, there is a thank you card
and a dozen different books, such as "How to Improve Your Business"
and "Becoming More Successful."

Then a Democrat comes in for a haircut, and when he goes to pay his
bill the barber again replies, "I cannot accept money from you. I'm
doing community service this week." The Democrat is very happy and
leaves the shop.

The next morning when the barber goes to open up, there are a dozen
Democrats lined up waiting for a free haircut.

And that, my friends, illustrates the fundamental difference between 
the left and right.


----------



## MaxPower

Steven Wright
I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

Borrow money from pessimists - they don't expect it back.

Half the people you know are below average.

99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.

A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.

All those who believe in psycho-kinesis, raise my hand.

The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.

OK, so what's the speed of dark?

How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?

If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.

Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.

I intend to live forever -- so far, so good.

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder."

Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.

The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.

Everyone has a photographic memory, some just don't have film


----------



## MLeh

A chicken and an egg are lying in bed. The chicken is leaning against the headboard smoking a cigarette, with a satisfied smile on its face. 

The egg, looking a bit pissed off, grabs the sheet, rolls over, and says, "Well, I guess we finally answered THAT question."


----------



## SINC

"Did you fake it this time, darling?" the man asked after making love to his wife. 

"No, dear," she replied. "This time I really was asleep."


----------



## Dr.G.

With the possibility of a Clinton-Obama or Obama-Clinton Democratic ticket in the 2008 US presidential election, the Republicans are going to counter with a combo ticket of its own -- Paris Hilton/Barry Bonds or Barry Bonds/Paris Hilton. Should be an interesting election.


----------



## krs

Dr.G. said:


> With the possibility of a Clinton-Obama or Obama-Clinton Democratic ticket in the 2008 US presidential election, the Republicans are going to counter with a combo ticket of its own -- Paris Hilton/Barry Bonds or Barry Bonds/Paris Hilton. Should be an interesting election.


Not sure why this is under "jokes'.........but it can't happen......... 

Or can you actually become US president or vice-president as a "convicted felon" ?


----------



## Monkeyman eh?

hey, look at the guy that's there now.


----------



## krs

Monkeyman said:


> hey, look at the guy that's there now.


Yeah - but he has respect for the law - *his law*


----------



## Dr.G.

If Fred Thompson is elected president, he shall have respect for the law, as well as "Law and Order".


----------



## SINC

Junior had just received his brand new drivers license. 

To celebrate, the whole family trooped out to the driveway and climbed into the car for his inaugural drive. 

Dad immediately headed to the back seat, directly behind the newly minted driver. 

"I'll bet you're back there to get a change of scenery after all those months of sitting in the front passenger seat teaching me how to drive," said the beaming boy to his old man.

"Nope," came dad's reply, "I'm gonna sit back here and kick the back of your seat while you drive, just like you have been doing to me for sixteen years."


----------



## Dr.G.

"Nope," came dad's reply, "I'm gonna sit back here and kick the back of your seat while you drive, just like you have been doing to me for sixteen years."

How true, Sinc. How very true.


----------



## The Doug

*New Dog Breeds Recognized by the American Kennel Club*

Collie + Lhasa Apso: *Collapso*, a dog that folds up for easy transport.

Spitz + Chow Chow: *Spitz-Chow*, a dog that throws up a lot.

Pointer + Setter: *Poinsetter*, a traditional Christmas pet.

Malamute + Pointer: *Moot Point*, owned by....oh, well, it doesn't matter anyway.

Great Pyrenees + Dachshund: *Pyradachs*, a puzzling breed.

Pekingnese + Lhasa Apso: *Pekasso*, an abstract dog.

Irish Water Spaniel + English Springer Spaniel: *Irish Springer*, a dog fresh and clean as a whistle.

Labrador Retriever + Curly Coated Retriever: *Lab Coat Retriever*, the choice of research scientists everywhere.

Newfoundland + Basset Hound: *Newfound Asset Hound*, a dog for financial advisors.

Terrier + Bulldog: *Terribull*, a dog that makes awful mistakes.

Bloodhound + Labrador: *Blabador*, a dog that barks incessantly.

Collie + Malamute: *Commute*, a dog that travels to work.

Deerhound + Terrier: *Derriere*, a dog that's true to the end.

Bull Terrier + Shih-tzu: *Bull.....* Oh, never mind.


----------



## Dr.G.

"Great Pyrenees + Dachshund: Pyradachs, a puzzling breed." Good one, Doug. As an owner of six dachshunds, with another litter due any day now, that would be a difficult conception.


----------



## SINC

We've all heard about people having guts or balls, but do you really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the definition for each is listed below:

GUTS - Is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask: "Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?"
*****
BALLS - Is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the butt and having the balls to say: "You're next."
*****
I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions. 

Medically speaking, there is no difference in the outcome, since both ultimately result in death.


----------



## krs

PILOT ERROR -- Actual exchanges between pilots and control towers
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Tower: "Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o'clock, 6 miles!"

Delta 351: "Give us another hint! We have digital watches!"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Tower: " TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 Degrees."

TWA 2341: "Center, we are at 35,000 feet.

How much noise can we make up here?"

Tower: "Sir, have you ever heard the noise a

747 makes when it hits a 727?"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

From an unknown aircraft waiting in a very long takeoff queue:

"I'm f...ing bored!"

Ground Traffic Control:

"Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself immediately!"

Unknown aircraft: "I said I was f...ing bored, not f...ing stupid!"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

O'Hare Approach Control to a 747: "United 329 heavy, your traffic is a Fokker, one o'clock, three miles, Eastbound."

United 329: "Approach, I've always wanted to say this...

I've got the little Fokker in sight."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A student became lost during a solo cross-country flight. While attempting to locate the aircraft on radar, ATC asked, "What was your last known position?"

Student: "When I was number one for takeoff."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A DC-10 had come in a little hot and thus had an exceedingly long roll out after touching down.

San Jose Tower Noted: "American 751, make a hard right turn at the end of the runway, if you are able. If you are not able, take the Guadeloupe exit off Highway 101, make a right at the lights and return to the airport."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A Pan Am 727 flight, waiting for start clearance in Munich , overheard the following:

Lufthansa (in German):

"Ground, what is our start clearance time?"

Ground (in English):

"If you want an answer you must speak in English."

Lufthansa (in English):

"I am a German, flying a German airplane, in Germany. Why must I speak English?"

Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent):

"Because you lost the bloody war!"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff,

contact Departure on frequency 124.7"

Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure.

By the way, after we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway."

Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff behind Eastern 702, contact Departure on frequency 124.7. Did you copy that report from Eastern 702?"

BR Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, roger; and yes, we copied Eastern... we've already notified our caterers."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

One day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold short of the active runway while a DC-8 landed. The DC-8 landed, rolled out, turned around, and taxied back past the Cherokee. Some quick-witted comedian in the DC-8 crew got on the radio and said,

"What a cute little plane. Did you make it all by yourself?"

The Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came back with a real zinger:

"I made it out of DC-8 parts. Another landing like yours and I'll have enough parts for another one."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one's gate parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747, call sign Speedbird 206.

Speedbird 206: "Frankfurt , Speedbird 206! clear of active runway."

Ground: "Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven."

The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.

Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"

Speedbird 206: "Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now."

Ground (with quite arrogant impatience):

"Speedbird 206, have you not been to Frankfurt before?"

Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark, -- And I didn't land."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

While taxiing at London 's Gatwick Airport , the crew of a US Air flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727. An irate female ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew, screaming:

"US Air 2771, where the hell are you going? I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I know it's difficult for you to tell the difference between C and D, but get it right!"

Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically: "God! Now you've screwed everything up! It'll take forever to sort this out! You stay right there and don't move till I tell you to! You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour, and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?"

"Yes, ma'am," the humbled crew responded.

Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to chance engaging the irate ground controller in her current state of mind. Tension in every cockpit out around Gatwick was definitely running high. Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone, asking:

"Wasn't I married to you once?"


----------



## The Doug

Craigslist ha, ha, um, ha.


----------



## krs

Things my mother taught me:

1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE
"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning."

2. My mother taught me RELIGION.
"You better pray that will come out of the carpet."

3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL.
"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"

4. My mother taught me LOGIC.
" Because I said so, that's why."

5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC
"If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me."

6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT.
"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."

7. My mother taught me IRONY
"Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about." 

8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS.
"Shut your mouth and eat your supper."

9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM.
"Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!"

10 My mother taught me about STAMINA.
"You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."

11. My mother taught me about WEATHER.
"This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."

12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.
"If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!"

13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE.
"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."

14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION.
"Stop acting like your father!"

15. My mother taught me about ENVY.
"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do."

16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.
"Just wait until we get home."

17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING.
"You are going to get it when you get home!"

18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.
"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that way."

19. My mother taught me ESP.
"Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?"

20. My mother taught me HUMOR.
"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."

21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT.
"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."

22. My mother taught me GENETICS.
"You're just like your father."

23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS.
"Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?"

24. My mother taught me WISDOM.
"When you get to be my age, you'll understand."

25. And my favorite: My mother taught me about JUSTICE
"One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you!"


----------



## markceltic

Video of Sobriety Test - Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting This speaks for itself.


----------



## Dr.G.

Police brutality at its worst. The invisible officer pushed this poor fellow over.

Seriously, I hope he was not driving just before this test.


----------



## The Doug




----------



## krs

Bus Ride

A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They sit down and engage in an animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following: "Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come once-a-more. Two asses come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come one lasta time."

"You foul-mouthed swine," retorted the lady indignantly. "In this country we don't talk about our sex lives in public!"

"Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Who sa talkin' about a sexa? I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spella 'Mississippi'."

I BET YOU'LL READ IT TWICE!!!


----------



## markceltic

A Sales Rep, and Administration Clerk, and the Manager are walking to lunch when they find an Antique Oil Lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out. The Genie says, "I'll give each of you just one wish." 

"Me First, Me First!" says the Administration Clerk. "I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a Speedboat, without a care in the World." Puff! She's gone.

"Me Next! Me Next!" says the Sales Representive."I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the Beach with my Personal Masseuse, an endless supply ofPina Coladas and the Love of my Life." Puff! She's gone.

"Ok, you're up," The Genie says to the Manager.The manager says, "I want those two back in the Office after Lunch."

MORAL of the STORY: "Always let your Boss have the First Say."


----------



## SINC

One night, a police officer was stalking out a particularly rowdy bar for possible violations of the driving under the influence laws. 

At closing time, he saw a fellow stumble out of the bar, trip on the curb, and try his keys on five different cars before he found his. Then, sat in the front seat fumbling around with his keys for several minutes. Everyone else left the bar and drove off. Finally, he started his engine and began to pull away.

The police officer was waiting for him. He stopped the driver, read him his rights and administered the Breathalyzer test. The results showed a reading of 0.0. 

The puzzled officer demanded to know how that could be. 

The driver replied, "Tonight, I'm the Designated Decoy."


----------



## SINC

A guy says to the bartender, "A glass of your finest Less, please."

"Less? Never heard of it."

"C'mon, sure you have."

"No, really, we don't stock it. What is it? Some kind of foreign beer?"

"I'm not sure. My doctor mentioned it. He said I should drink Less."


----------



## eMacMan

Didja know?

If it was possible to legislate against stupidity; parliament would be out of business.


----------



## markceltic

HOW TO START EACH DAY WITH A POSITIVE OUTLOOK.

1. Open a new folder on your computer.

2. Name it "George W. Bush"

3. Send it to the trash.

4. Empty the trash.

5. Your computer will ask you:

"Do you really want to get rid of "George W. Bush?"

6. Firmly Click "Yes."

7. Feel better.

PS: Tomorrow we'll do Dick Cheney.......


----------



## Dr.G.

"PS: Tomorrow we'll do Dick Cheney......." Why wait???


----------



## krs

Some retired deputy sheriffs went to a retreat in the mountains. To save money, they decided to sleep two to a room. No one wanted to room with Daryl, because he snored so badly. They decided it wasn't fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time, so they voted to take turns.
The first deputy slept with Daryl and comes to breakfast the next morning with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot. They said, "Man, what happened to you"? 
He said, "Daryl snored so loudly, I just sat up and watched him all night."
The next night, it was a different deputy's turn. In the morning, the same thing happened. His hair was all standing up and his eyes were all bloodshot. They said, "Man, what happened to you? You look awful!" 
He said, "Man, that Daryl shakes the roof. I watched him all night."
The third night was Frank's turn. Frank was a big burly ex-football player. A man's man. The next morning, he came to breakfast bright eyed and bushy tailed.
"Good morning!" he said. 
They couldn't believe it! They said, "Man, what happened"? 
He said, "Well, we got ready for bed. I went and tucked Daryl into bed and kissed him goodnight. He sat up and watched me all night long."


----------



## SINC

REAL NEWSPAPER ADS: 

FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER: 
8 years old. Hateful little dog. Bites. 

FREE PUPPIES: 
1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbor's dog 

FREE PUPPIES: 
Mother, German Shepherd. 
Father, Super Dog...able to leap tall fences in a single bound. 

FOUND - DIRTY WHITE DOG. 
Looks like a rat... been out a while. 
Better be a reward. 

COWS, CALVES: NEVER BRED. 
Also 1 GAY BULL for sale. 

JOINING NUDIST COLONY! 
Must sell washer and dryer $300. 

WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE .. 
WORN ONCE BY MISTAKE. 
Call Stephanie. 

AND THE BEST ONE: 

FOR SALE BY OWNER: 
Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica, 45 volumes. 
Excellent condition. $1,000 or best offer. 
No longer needed, got married last month. Wife knows everything!


----------



## Dr.G.

Good one, Sinc, especially the ones about puppies.


----------



## SINC

John the farmer was in the fertilized egg business. He had several
hundred young layers (hens), called "pullets", and ten roosters,
whose job it was to fertilize the eggs (for you city folks).

The farmer kept records and any rooster that didn't perform went
into the soup pot and was replaced. That took an awful lot of his
time, so he bought a set of tiny bells and attached them to his
roosters.
Each bell had a different tone so John could tell from a distance,
which rooster was performing.

Now he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report
simply by listening to the bells. The farmer's favorite rooster
was old Butch and a very fine specimen he was, too.

But on this particular morning John noticed old Butch's bell
hadn't rung at all! John went to investigate.

The other roosters were chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing.
The pullets, hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover.
But to Farmer John's amazement, old Butch had his bell in his
beak, so it couldn't ring. He would sneak up on a pullet, do his
job and walk on to the next one.

John was so proud of old Butch, he entered him in the County Fair
and he became an overnight sensation among the judges.

The result...The judges not only awarded old Butch the No Bell Piece
Prize but they also awarded him the Pulletsurprise as well.
Clearly old Butch was a politician in the making: Who else
but a politician could figure out how to win two of the most
highly coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking
up on the populace and screwing them when they weren't paying
attention.


----------



## CubaMark

Very funny!


----------



## The Doug




----------



## SINC

Thirsty Tom drops into the local pub on a hot summer afternoon.

He asks the bartender, "Can you give me something tall, cold, and full of gin?"

"Sir," said a dignified man sitting nearby, "you are speaking of my wife."


----------



## MasterBlaster

.


----------



## SINC

Two guys are golfing on a course that is right next to a cemetery. 

After they tee off, one of the golfers notices that there is a funeral procession passing by. So he takes off his hat, and places it over his heart. 

When the funeral procession is past, the other golfer looks at the guy and asks, "Why did you do that?"

The man replies, "Well we were maried for almost 40 years. It's the least I could do."


----------



## Dr.G.

Good one, Don. Might send this to my wife. Our 12th anniversary is on Sunday.


----------



## SINC

A woman walks into an accountant's office and tells him that she needs to file her taxes.

The accountant says, "Before we begin, I'll need to ask you a few questions." He gets her name, address, SIN, etc. and then asks, "What is your occupation?"

"I'm a hooker," she says.

The accountant is somewhat taken back and says, "No, No, No, that won't work. Let's try to rephrase that."

The woman says, "OK, I'm a high-end call girl".

"No, that still won't work. Try again."

They both think for a minute; then the woman says, "I'm an elite chicken farmer."

The accountant asks, "What does chicken farming have to do with being a prostitute?"

"Well, I raised a thousand little peckers last year.”

"Chicken Farmer it is."


----------



## JumboJones

Must have been a slow year.


----------



## rgray

A Polish immigrant went to apply for a driver's license. 

First, of course, he had to take an eye sight test. 

The optician showed him a card with the letters: Z W I X N O S T A C Z.'

Can you read this?" the optician asked.

Read it?" the Polish guy replied, "I know the guy."


----------



## The Doug

Mother Superior called all the nuns together and said to them, "I must tell you all something. We have a case of gonorrhea in the convent."

"Thank God," said an elderly nun at the back. "I'm so tired of chardonnay."


----------



## SINC

During a famous food critic's recent visit to Europe last summer, he had a delightful time sampling the cuisine in Italy, France and Germany, but he made the mistake of stopping off in London on the way home.

Needless to say, he found English food bland and overcooked. However, one day he had a great meal of fish & chips at a London pub. He asked the manager of the pub if he could have the recipe for the fish and chips.

The manager confessed that he bought his fish and chips from a nearby monastery, and so our critic would have to get the recipe from one of the brothers.

So he quickly ran down the street to the monastery and knocked on the door. When one of the brothers came to the door, he asked him if he were the "Fish Friar." The brother repiled, "Nope, I'm the Chip Monk!"


----------



## MaxPower

In 1986, Mike Membre was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Northwestern University. On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so Membre approached it very carefully.
He got down on one knee and inspected the elephant's foot and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it. As carefully and as gently as he could, Membre worked the wood out with his hunting knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot. The elephant turned to face the man, and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments.

Membre stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked away. Membre never forgot that elephant or the events of that day. Twenty years later, Membre was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his teenaged son.

As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Membre and his son Cantri were standing. The large bull elephant stared at Membre, lifted its front foot off the ground, then put it down. The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man. Remembering the encounter in 1986, Membre couldn't help wondering if this was the same elephant.

Membre summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder. The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Membre' s legs and raised him high into the air and slammed him against the railing, killing him instantly.

Probably wasn't the same elephant.


----------



## The Doug




----------



## SINC

Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked, "How old was your husband?" 

"98," she replied. "Two years older than me." 

"So you're 96," the undertaker commented. 

She responded, "Yes, hardly worth going home is it?"


----------



## gwillikers

*Subject: Blonde Joke*

A blonde motorist was about two hours from San Diego when flagged down by a man whose truck had broken down. The man walked up to the car and asked, "Are you going to San Diego?"

"Sure," answered the blonde, "do you need a lift?"

"Not for me. I'll be spending the next three hours fixing my truck. My problem is I've got two chimpanzees in the back which have to be taken to the San Diego Zoo. They're a bit stressed already so I don't want to keep them on the road all day. Could you possibly take them to the zoo for me? I'll give you $100 for your trouble."

"I'd be happy to," said the blonde. So the two chimpanzees were ushered into the back seat of the blonde's car and carefully strapped into their seat belts. Off they went.

Five hours later, the truck driver was driving through the heart of San Diego when suddenly he was horrified! There was the blonde walking down the street and holding hands with the two chimps, much to the amusement of a big crowd.

With a screech of brakes he pulled off the road and ran over to the blonde. What the hell are you doing here?" he demanded, "I gave you $100 to take these chimpanzees to the zoo."

"Yes, I know you did," said the blonde," but we had money left over, so now we're going to Sea World.


----------



## Dr.G.

Well, Girl Potato and Boy Potato had eyes for each other, and finally they
got married, and had a little sweet potato, which they called 'Yam.'

Of course, they wanted the best for Yam.

When it was time, they told her about the facts of life.

They warned her about going out and getting half-baked, so she wouldn't get accidentally mashed, and get a bad name for herself like 'Hot Potato,' and end up with a bunch of Tater Tots.

Yam said not to worry, no Spud would get her into the sack and make a rotten potato out of her!

But on the other hand she wouldn't stay home and become a Couch Potato
either.

She would get plenty of exercise so as not to be skinny like her Shoestring
cousins.

When she went off to Europe, Mr and Mrs. Potato told Yam to watch out for
the hard-boiled guys from Ireland, the greasy guys from France called the French Fries. 

Yam said she would stay on the straight and narrow and wouldn't associate
with those high class Yukon Golds, or the ones from the other side of the
tracks who advertise their trade on all the trucks that say, 'Frito Lay.'

Mr. and Mrs. Potato sent Yam to Idaho P.U. (that's Potato University ) so
that when she graduated she'd really be in the Chips.

But in spite of all they did for her, one-day Yam came home and announced
she was going to marry Peter Mansbridge.


Peter Mansbridge!!!

Mr. and Mrs. Potato were very upset.

They told Yam she couldn't possibly marry Peter Mansbridge because he's
just.......

Are you ready for this?


Are you sure?

*
*

OK! Here it is!

*
*
*
*


A COMMON TATER


----------



## SINC

A man died and went to The Judgment. St. Peter met him at the Gates of Heaven and said, "Before you meet with God, I thought I should tell you -- we've looked at your life, and your really didn't do anything particularly good or bad. We're not at all sure what to do with you. Can you tell us anything you did that can help us make a decision?"

The newly arrived soul thought for a moment and replied, "Yeah, once I was driving along and came upon a woman who was being harassed by a group of bikers. So I pulled over, got out my tire iron, and went up to the leader of the bikers. He was a big, muscular, hairy guy with tattoos all over his body and a ring pierced through his nose. Well, I tore the nose ring out of his nose, and told him he and his gang had better stop bothering the woman or they would have to deal with me!"

"I'm impressed," St. Peter responded, "When did this happen?"

"Just a few minutes ago," came the reply.


----------



## The Doug

Stop! Thief!


----------



## gwillikers

One dark night outside a small town in Wisconsin, a fire started inside the local chemical plant and in a blink of an eye it exploded into massive flames. The alarm went out to all the fire departments for miles around.

When the volunteer fire fighters appeared on the scene, the chemical company president rushed to the fire chief and said, 'All our secret formulas are in the vault in the center of the plant. They must be saved. I will give $50,000 to the fire department that brings them out intact.'

But the roaring flames held the firefighters off.

Soon more fire departments had to be called in as the situation became desperate. As the firemen arrived, the president shouted out that the offer was now $100,000 to the fire department who could bring out the company's secret files.

From the distance, a lone siren was heard as another fire truck came into sight. It was the nearby Norwegian rural township volunteer fire company composed mainly of Norwegians over the age of 65. To everyone's amazement, that little run-down fire engine roared right past all the newer sleek engines that were parked outside the plant.

Without even slowing down it drove straight into the middle of the inferno. Outside, the other firemen watched as the Norwegian old timers jumped off right in the middle of the fire and fought it back on all sides. It was a performance and effort never seen before.

Within a short time, the Norske old timers had extinguished the fire and had saved the secret formulas. The grateful chemical company president announced that for such a superhuman feat he was upping the reward to $200,000, and walked over to personally thank each of the brave fire fighters.

The local TV news reporter rushed in to capture the event on film, asking their chief, 'What are you going to do with all that money?'

'Vell,' said Ole Larsen, the 70-year-old fire chief, 'Da first thing ve gonna do is fix da brakes on dat damm truck!'


----------



## The Doug

> _Associated Press
> _SEOUL, South Korea - North Korean leader Kim Jong Il called himself an "Internet expert" during summit talks with South Korea's president this week, a news report said Friday.


:lmao:


----------



## JAGflyer

*The Wise Rooster*

I want to practice my typing so I will type this one from my head as I remember it. 

*The Wise Rooster*

Farmer John specialized in the egg selling business. He had a coop full of hens and one rooster. He knew that his rooster was getting old and may not be able to preform. So he goes to the market to purchase a new rooster. He brings the new rooster home and puts it into the coop with the hens. Upon meeting the new rooster the old rooster proposes a challenge. I am old now and i want to make you a deal says the rooster. If you can beat me in a race around the farm I will go off and leave you to do your work said the old rooster. The only rule is you must run 1 step behind me. Thinking he could easily beat the old guy he accepts. So they set off on their race and as they run past the farmer sitting on his porch reading the paper. BOOM! He grabs his shotgun and shoots the new rooster. Oh damn it says the farmer....












Thats the 4th gay rooster I've bought this month!


----------



## gwillikers

All of these are legitimate companies that didn't spend quite enough
time considering how their online names might appear and be misread.

1. Who Represents is where you can find the name of the agent that
represents any celebrity. Their Web site is http://www.whorepresents.com

2. Experts Exchange is a knowledge base where programmers can exchange
advice and views at http://www.expertsexchange.com

3. Looking for a pen? Look no further than Pen Island at
www.penisland.net <http://www.penisland.net> 

4. Need a therapist? Try Therapist Finder at
http://www.therapistfinder.com

5. There's the Italian Power Generator company,
http://www.powergenitalia.com tho, you'll need a password to access it

6. And don't forget the Mole Station Native Nursery in New South Wales ,
www.molestationnursery.com <http://www.molestationnursery.com> 

7. If you're looking for IP computer software, there's always
www.ipanywhere.com <http://www.ipanywhere.com> 

8. The First Cumming Methodist Church Web site is www.cummingfirst.com <http://www.cummingfirst.com> 

9. And the designers at Speed of Art await you at their wacky Web site
http://www.speedofart.com


----------



## guytoronto

Q: What's the difference between erotic and kinky?

A: Using a feather or the whole chicken.


----------



## The Doug

Then there's the blacksmith dog. 

_A blacksmith dog?!_ I hear you ask. 

Yes, a blacksmith dog - a dog that does forge work. If you kick him in the nuts he makes a bolt for the door.


----------



## SINC

A customer sent an order to a distributor for a large amount of goods totaling a great deal of money. The distributor noticed that the previous bill hadn't been paid. The collections manager left a voice- mail for them saying, "We can't ship your new order until you pay for the last one."

The next day the collections manager received a collect phone call, "Please cancel the order. We can't wait that long."


----------



## The Doug

*Now Remember, Kids...*

Lesson 1

Lesson 2


----------



## SINC

A tour bus driver is driving with a bus load of seniors down a highway when he is tapped on his shoulder by a little old lady. She offers him a handful of peanuts, which he gratefully munches up.

After about 15 minutes, she taps him on his shoulder again and she hands him another handful of peanuts.

She repeats this gesture about five more times.

When she is about to hand him another batch again he asks the little old lady, "Why don't you eat the peanuts yourself?". 

"We can't chew them because we've no teeth", she replied.

The puzzled driver asks, "Why do you buy them then?" 

The old lady replied, "Oh, we just love the chocolate around them."


----------



## The Doug

*Riddle*

You are driving in a car at a constant speed. On your left side is a drop off (the ground is 18-20 inches below the level you are traveling on), and on your right side is a fire engine traveling at the same speed as you. 

In front of you is a galloping horse, which is the same size as your car and you cannot overtake it. Behind you is a galloping zebra. Both the horse and zebra are also traveling at the same speed as you. 

What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation?

For the answer, click and drag your mouse from star to star below.

* _Get your drunk-ass off the merry-go-round!_ *


----------



## SINC

A couple, just for the fun of it while attending a convention, decided to attend a marriage seminar, dealing with communication.

Tom and his wife Grace listened to the instructor as he stated, "It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other."

He addressed the man, "Can you describe your wife's favorite flower?"

Tom leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently and whispered, "It's Pillsbury, isn't it?

The rest of the story gets rather ugly, so I'll stop right here.


----------



## The Doug

Ozymandias, King of Kings, was running low on cash after years of waging an unpopular war against the Hittites, after being imprudent in his investments, and improvident in his personal spending. His last great possession was the Star of the Euphrates, the most valuable diamond in the world, which he esteemed above all his other worldly goods. 

Desperate, Ozymandias went to Chrysophilus, the pawnbroker, to ask for a loan. 

Chrysophilus said, “I reckon I could spot you 50,000 dinars for it.” 

“But I paid a million dinars for it, and that was years ago, goshdarnit,” Ozymandias protested. “Don't you know who I am? I am the King!” 

Chrysophilus replied, “When you wish to pawn a Star, makes no difference who you are.”


----------



## SINC

It was early morning at the military base, and the first sergeant was calling out names for the daily work parties listed on a piece of paper: 

"Ames" "Here!" "Jenson" "Here!" "Jones" "Here!" "Magersky" "Here!" "Seeback" 

No answer. 

"Seeback!" 

No answer was heard again. 

"SEEBACK!!!" The troops remained totally silent. 

At that point, someone whispered into the first sergeant's ear. He looked again at what the last name really said, quickly turned over the list and continued calling the names printed on the other side.


----------



## SINC

It was the day of the big sale. Rumours of the sale and some advertising in the local paper were the main reason for the long line that formed by 8:30 in the morning in front of the store. 

A small man pushed his way to the front of the line, only to be pushed back, amid loud and colourful curses.

On the man's second attempt, he was punched square in the jaw, and knocked around a bit, and then thrown to the end of the line again. 

As he got up the second time, he said to the person at the end of the line, "That does it! If they hit me one more time, I won't open the store!"


----------



## MissGulch

*A love story*

I will seek and find you

I shall take you to bed and have my way with you

I will make you ache, shake & sweat until you
moan & groan.

I will make you beg for mercy, beg for me to stop.

I will exhaust you to the point that you will be
relieved when I'm finished with you.

And, when I am finished, you will be weak for days.

All my love,

The Flu

Now, get your mind out of the gutter and go get
your flu shot!


----------



## The Doug

Q: How did the dentist become a brain surgeon?

A: His drill slipped.


----------



## SINC

Speaking of dentists:

A man went to his dentist because he felt something wrong in his mouth. The dentist examined him and said "That new upper plate I put in for you six months ago is eroding. What have you been eating?"

The man replied, "All I can think of is that about four months ago, my wife made some asparagus and put some stuff on it that was delicious... hollandaise sauce! I love it so much now that I put it on everything -- meat, toast, fish, vegetables, everything!"

The dentist said, "Well, that's probably the problem. Hollandaise sauce is made with lots of lemon juice, which is highly corrosive. It's eaten away your upper plate. I'll make you a new one, and this time, I'll use chrome."

"Why chrome?" asked the patient.

"It's simple," said the dentist. "Everyone knows that there's no plate like chrome for the hollandaise."


----------



## Dr.G.

My wife just sent this to me.


Male or Female? You might not have known this, but a lot of non-living
objects are actually either male or female. Here are some examples:

FREEZER BAGS
They are male, because they hold everything in, but you can see right
through them.
PHOTOCOPIERS
These are female, because once turned off; it takes a while to warm them up
again.
They are an effective reproductive device if the right buttons are pushed,
but can also wreak havoc if you push the wrong buttons.

TIRES
Tires are male, because they go bald easily and are often over inflated.
HOT AIR BALLOONS
Also a male object, because to get them to go anywhere, you have to light a
fire under their butt.
SPONGES
These are female, because they are soft, squeezable and retain water.
WEB PAGES
Female, because they're constantly being looked at and frequently getting
hit on.
TRAINS
Definitely male, because they always use the same old lines for picking up
people.
HOURGLASS
An hourglass is female because, over time, all the weight shifts to the
bottom.
HAMMERS
Male, because in the last 5000 years, they've hardly changed at all, and are
occasionally handy to have around.
THE REMOTE CONTROL
Female. Ha! You probably thought it would be male, but consider this: It
easily gives a man pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he doesn't
always know which buttons to push, he just keeps trying


----------



## MissGulch

What Chefs Do When They Are Bored


----------



## Dr.G.

Loved that banana doxie.


----------



## SINC

We had just finished eating a beautiful dinner that my mother had prepared for our family. 

As I glanced up at the chandelier over the table, I was mesmerized by the creative handiwork a spider had woven around the prisms and light bulbs.

"Don't look up there!" my mother screamed. "It's the one thing I was too tired to clean!"

"Don't look where?" my brother asked.

"There!" my mother pointed. "It's my own personal web sight!"


----------



## MissGulch

This one is for ehMax, in honour of his Danny Dichio fixation.

A woman was doing her family's laundry in the basement. Water from a leaky pipe started dripping and landing on her head, so she put on her son's football helmet. 

As she stated the washing machine, she took off the house dress she was wearing and tossed it into the machine, leaving her stark naked. 

A meter reader comes into the basement and reads her meter. As he's leaving he says "I sure hope your team wins, lady."


----------



## The Doug

*Very* important guidelines. Follow them carefully.


----------



## MissGulch

A prisioner in jail received a letter from his wife:

"I have decided to plant some lettuce in the back garden. When is the best time to plant them?"

The prisioner, knowing that the prison guards read all the mail, replied in a letter:

"Dear Wife, whatever you do, DO NOT touch the back garden! That is where I hid all the gold."

A week or so later, he received another letter from his wife:

"You wouldn't believe what happened. Some men came with shovels to the house, and dug up the whole back garden."

The prisoner wrote another letter:

"Dear wife, NOW is the best time to plant the lettuce!


----------



## gwillikers

Two old guys, one 80 and one 87, were sitting on their usual park bench one morning.

The 87 year old had just finished his morning jog and wasn't even short of breath.

The 80 year old was amazed at his friend's stamina and asked him what he did to have so much energy

The 87 year old said "Well, I eat Jewish rye bread every day. It keeps your energy level high and you'll have great stamina with the ladies."

So, on the way home, the 80 year old stops at the bakery. As he was looking around, the lady asked if he needed any help. He said, "Do you have any Jewish rye bread?"

She said, "Yes, there's a whole shelf of it . Would you like some?"

He said, "I want 5 loaves.

She said, "My goodness, 5 loaves...by the time you get to the 5th loaf, it'll be hard"

He replied, "I can't believe it, everybody in the world knows about this **** but me."


----------



## Dr.G.

An oldie but a goodie, gw. You should be in Jewish vaudeville. Paix, mon ami.


----------



## SINC

A 'Heads Up' for those of us men who may be regular Home Depot customers. Over the last month I became a victim of a clever scam while out shopping. Simply going out to get supplies has turned out to be quite traumatic. Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you or your friends. Here's how the scam works.

Two seriously good-looking 20-21 year-old girls come over to your car as you are packing your shopping into the trunk. They both start wiping your windshield with a rag and Windex, with their breasts almost falling out of their skimpy T-shirts. It is impossible not to look. When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say 'No' and instead ask you for a ride to West Edmonton Mall.

You agree and they get in the back seat. On the way, they start undressing. Then one of them climbs over into the front seat and starts crawling all over you, while the other one steals your wallet. 

I had my wallet stolen October 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th, 17th, 20th & 24th. Also November 1st, 4th, twice on the 6th, three times just yesterday, and very likely this coming weekend. So tell your friends to be careful.


----------



## Ena

Clean one for the kids.

When is a mountain not a mountain?

When it's summit else.


----------



## Bolor

Two hillbillies walk into a bar. While having a shot of whisky, they talk about their moonshine operation. 

Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough. And, after a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress. One of the hillbillies looks at her and says, 'Kin ya swallar?' 

The woman shakes her head no. 

Then he asks, 'Kin ya breathe?' 

The woman begins to turn blue and shakes her head no. 

The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up her dress, yanks down her drawers and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue. The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm and the obstruction flies out of her mouth. As she begins to breathe again, the Hillbilly walks slowly back t o the bar. 

His partner says, 'Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver' but I ain't niver seed nobody do it!'


----------



## MasterBlaster

.


----------



## winwintoo

*Love that snow*

*Diary of a Snow Shoveler_* 

_December 8: 6:00 PM. _ 
It started to snow. The first snow of the season and the wife and I 
took our cocktails and sat for hours by the window watching the huge 
soft flakes drift down from heaven. It looked like a Grandma Moses 
Print. So romantic we felt like newlyweds again. I love snow! 

_December 9:_ 
We woke to a beautiful blanket of crystal white snow covering every 
inch of the landscape. What a fantastic sight! Can there be a more 
lovely place in the Whole World? Moving here was the best idea I've 
ever had. Shoveled for the first time in years, felt like a boy 
again. I did both our driveway and the sidewalks. This afternoon 
the snowplow came along and covered up the sidewalks and closed in 
the driveway, so I got to shovel again. What a perfect life. 

_December 12 _: 
The sun has melted all our lovely snow. Such a disappointment. My 
neighbor tells me not to worry, we'll definitely have a white 
Christmas. No snow on Christmas would be awful! Bob says we'll 
have so much snow by the end of winter, that I'll never want to see 
snow again. I don't think that's possible. Bob is such a nice man, 
I'm glad he's our neighbor. 

_December 14: _ 
Snow, lovely snow! 8" last night. The temperature dropped to -20. 
The cold makes everything sparkle so. The wind took my breath 
away, but I warmed up by shoveling the driveway and sidewalks. This 
is the life! The snowplow came back this afternoon and buried 
everything again. I didn't realize I would have to do quite this 
much shoveling, but I'll certainly get back in shape this way. I 
wish I wouldn't huff and puff so. 

_December 15:_ 
20 inches forecast. Sold my van and bought a 4x4 Blazer. Bought 
snow tires for the wife's car and two extra shovels. Stocked the 
freezer. The wife wants a wood stove in case the electricity goes 
out. I think that's silly. We aren't in Alaska , after all. 

_December 16:_ 
Ice storm this morning. Fell on my ass on the ice in the driveway 
putting down salt. Hurt like hell. The wife laughed for an hour, 
which I think was very cruel. 

_December 17:__ _ 
Still way below freezing. Roads are too icy to go anywhere. 
Electricity was off for five hours. I had to pile the blankets on 
to stay warm. Nothing to do but stare at the wife and try not to 
irritate her. Guess I shouldv'e bought a wood stove, but won't 
admit it to her. I hate it when she's right. I can't believe I'm 
freezing to death in my own living room. 

_December 20:_ 
Electricity's back on, but had another 14" of the damn stuff last 
night. More shoveling. Took all day. Damn snowplow came by twice. 
Tried to find a neighborhood kid to shovel, but they said they're 
too busy playing hockey. I think they're lying. Called the only 
hardware store around to see about buying a snow blower, and they're 
out. Might have another shipment in March. I think they're lying. 
Bob says I have to shovel or the city will have it done and bill 
me. I think he's lying. 

_December 22:_ 
Bob was right about a white Christmas, because 13 more inches of the 
white stuff fell today, and it's so cold it probably won't melt 'til 
August. Took me 45 minutes to get all dressed up to go out and 
shovel, and then I had to pee. By the time I got undressed, peed 
and dressed again, I was too tired to shovel. Tried to hire Bob, 
who has a plow on his truck, for the rest of the winter; but he says 
he's too busy. I think the asshole is lying. 

_December 23:_ 
Only 2" of snow today, and it warmed up to "0". The wife wanted me 
to decorate the front of the house this morning. What, is she 
nuts!!! Why didn't she tell me to do that a month ago? She says 
she did, but I think she's lying. 

_December 24:_ 
6". Snow packed so hard by snowplow, I broke the shovel. Thought I 
was having a heart attack. If I ever catch the son-of-a-bitch who 
drives that snowplow, I'll drag him through the snow and beat him to 
death with my broken shovel. I know he hides around the corner and 
waits for me to finish shoveling and then he comes down the street 
at a 100 miles an hour and throws snow all over everywhere I've just 
been! Tonight the wife wanted me to sing Christmas carols with her 
and open our presents, but I was too busy watching for the damn 
snowplow. 

_December 25:_ 
Merry Fricking Christmas ! 20 more inches of the slop tonight. 
Snowed in. The idea of shoveling makes my blood boil. God, I hate 
the snow! Then the snowplow driver came by asking for a donation 
and I hit him over the head with my shovel. The wife says I have a 
bad attitude. I think she's a fricking idiot. If I have to watch 
"It's a Wonderful Life" one more time, I'm going to stuff her into 
the microwave. 

_December 26:_ 
Still snowed in. Why the hell did I ever move here ? It was all 
HER idea. She's really getting on my nerves. 

_December 27: _ 
Temperature dropped to -30, and the pipes froze. Plumber came after 
14 hours of waiting for him; he only charged me $1,400 to replace 
all my pipes. 

_December 28:_ 
Warmed up to above -20. Still snowed in. The woman is driving me crazy!

_December 29:_ 
10 more inches. Bob says I have to shovel the roof or it could cave 
in. That's the silliest thing I ever heard. How dumb does he think 
I am? 

_December 30:_ 
Roof caved in. I beat up the snow plow driver. He is now suing me 
for a million dollars; not only for the beating I gave him, but also 
for trying to shove the broken snow shovel up his ass. The wife 
went home to her mother. 9" predicted. 

_December 31:__ _ 
I set fire to what's left of the house. No more shoveling. 

*_January 8:_* _ _ 
Feel so good. I just love those little white pills they keep giving 
me. Why am I tied to the bed?


----------



## Dr.G.

Good one, Margaret. Except for the extreme temps, that could happen to us this year re the amount of snowfall. By midnight we shall have had 20cm, which is the start of a long, hard winter, snow-wise. This sort of humor helps to ease the pain. Merci.


----------



## rgray

winwintoo said:


> *Diary of a Snow Shoveler_* .............


That is so last year....


----------



## Dr.G.

rgray, sadly, this is every year here in St.John's, at least the 30 years I have been living here. Paix, mon ami.


----------



## rgray

Dr.G. said:


> rgray, sadly, this is every year here in St.John's, at least the 30 years I have been living here. Paix, mon ami.


Hi, Dr.G. I have experiences St John's in winter. I sympathise with you. It was the joke itself that I was commenting on. It went 'round AT LEAST 100 times last winter, and the winter before that, etc....


----------



## SINC

A distinguished young woman on a flight from Switzerland asked the priest beside her, "Father, may I ask a favor?"

"Of course, what may I do for you?"

"Well, I bought an expensive woman's electronic hair dryer for my mother's birthday that is unopened and well over the Custom's limits, and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?"

"I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie."

"With your honest face, Father, no one will question you."

When they got to Customs, she let the priest go ahead of her.

The official asked, "Father, do you have anything to declare?"

"From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare."

The official thought this answer strange, so asked, "And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?"

"I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused."

Roaring with laughter, the official said, "Go ahead, Father. Next!"


----------



## Dr.G.

Thanks for your understanding, rgray. Now, how about helping me shovel my driveway????? Just kidding.


----------



## duosonic

*Blind Cowboy*

An old, blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake.
He finds his way to a bar stool and orders some coffee.

After sitting there for a while, he yells to the waiter, "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?"

The bar immediately falls absolutely silent.* In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, cowboy, I think it only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things:

1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.
*
2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.
*
3. I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
*
4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weightlifter. 

5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.

*"Now, think about it seriously, mister.* Do you still wanna tell that joke?" 


The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head, and mutters, "No...not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."


----------



## MissGulch

SINC said:


> A distinguished young woman on a flight from Switzerland asked the priest beside her, "Father, may I ask a favor?"
> 
> "Of course, what may I do for you?"
> 
> "Well, I bought an expensive woman's electronic hair dryer for my mother's birthday that is unopened and well over the Custom's limits, and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?"
> 
> "I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie."
> 
> "With your honest face, Father, no one will question you."
> 
> When they got to Customs, she let the priest go ahead of her.
> 
> The official asked, "Father, do you have anything to declare?"
> 
> "From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare."
> 
> The official thought this answer strange, so asked, "And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?"
> 
> "I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused."
> 
> Roaring with laughter, the official said, "Go ahead, Father. Next!"


----------



## SINC

As little guy was sitting in a bar, drinking, minding his own business when all of a sudden this great big guy comes in and --WHACK!! -- knocks him clean off the bar stool and onto the floor. The big guy says, "That was a karate chop from Korea." 

The little guy thinks "GEEZ," but he gets back up on the stool and starts drinking again when all of a sudden --WHACK-- the big guy knocks him down AGAIN and says, "That was a judo chop from Japan." 

So the little guy has had enough of this... He gets up, brushes himself off and quietly leaves. The little guy is gone for an hour or so when he returned. Without saying a word, he walks up behind the big idiot and --Bong!!!-- bangs the big guy off his stool, knocking him out cold!!! 

The little guy looks at the bartender and says, "When he comes to, tell him that was a crowbar from Sears."


----------



## Dr.G.

I saw that ending coming, Sinc, but I guessed a hammer from Canadian Tire.


----------



## krs

Can Cold Water Clean Dishes?

This is for all the germ conscious folks that worry about using cold water to clean.

John went to visit his 90 year old grandfather in a very secluded, rural area of Northern Alberta .

After spending a great evening chatting the night away, John's grandfather prepared breakfast of bacon, eggs and toast. However, John noticed a film like substance on his plate, and questioned his grandfather asking, 'Are these plates clean?'

His grandfather replied, 'They're as clean as cold water can get them. Just you go ahead and finish your meal, Sonny!'

For lunch the old man made hamburgers.

Again, John was concerned about the plates as his appeared to have tiny specks around the edge that looked like dried egg and asked, 'Are you sure these plates are clean?'

Without looking up the old man said, 'I told you before, Sonny, those dishes are as clean as cold water can get them. Now don't you fret, I don't want to hear another word about it!'

Later that afternoon, John was on his way to a nearby town and as he was leaving, his grandfather's dog started to growl, and wouldn't let him pass.

John yelled and said, 'Grandfather, your dog won't let me get to my car'.

Without diverting his attention from the football game he was watching on TV, the old man shouted:

'COLDWATER, GO LAY DOWN'!!!!


----------



## Dr.G.

Good one. This is what we do with our 8 doxies when someone keeps dropping in when we are eating supper, and wants to be invited for supper. After they see us let the doxies lick off the plates and put them directly back on the shelf, they never come for supper uninvited again.


----------



## Greenman

Now that the Canadian season is over...

After living a full life, Doug Berry, the Winnipeg Blue Bomber coach,
died. When he got to heaven, God was showing him around.


They came to a modest little house with a faded Blue Bomber flag in the
window. 'This house is yours for eternity, Mack,' said God. 'This is very
special; not everyone gets a house up here.'


Doug felt special, indeed, and walked up to his house.


On his way up the porch, he noticed another house just around the corner.


It was a gorgeous white and green three-story mansion with a 50-foot tall
flagpole with an enormous Saskatchewan Roughrider flag, and in every
window, he could see Saskatchewan fans.


Doug looked at God and said,'God, I'm not trying to be ungrateful, but I
have a question. I was a good coach, ran a clean program, took the
Bombers to the Grey Cup, and came close to winning a national
championship."


God said, 'So what do you want to know, Doug?'


Doug asked: 'Well, why does Kent Austin get a better house than me?'





God chuckled and said, 'Doug, that's not Kent's house; that's mine.'


----------



## gwillikers

A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several
months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day.

One day, he motioned for her to come nearer. As she sat by him, he
whispered, eyes full of tears,"You know what? You have been with me all
through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me.

When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side.

When we lost the house, you stayed right here. When my health started
failing, you were still by my side...You know what?"

"What dear?" she said smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth.

"I think you're bad luck, get the hell away from me."


----------



## krs

Two blind pilots were both wearing dark glasses. One is using a guide Dog and the other is tapping his way along the aisle with a cane.

Nervous laughter spreads through the cabin, but the men enter the cockpit, the door closes and the engines start up.

The passengers begin glancing nervously around, searching for some sign that this is just a little practical joke. None is forthcoming.

The plane moves faster and faster down the runway and the people Sitting in the window seats realize they're headed straight for the water at the edge of the airport. As it begins to look as though the plane will plough into the water, panicked screams fill the cabin.

At that moment, the plane lifts smoothly into the air. The passengers relax and laugh a little sheepishly and soon all retreat into their magazines, secure in the knowledge that the plane is in good hands.

In the cockpit, one of the blind pilots turns to the other and says, "Ya know, Bob, one of these days, they're gonna scream too late and we're all gonna die."


----------



## MissGulch

A young couple got married and left on their honeymoon.
When they got back, the bride immediately called her mother.

"Well, how was the honeymoon?" asked the mother.
"Oh mamma!" she exclaimed. "The honeymoon was wonderful!
So romantic!"

No sooner had she spoken the words than she burst out crying.
"But mamma . . . as soon as we returned, Sam started using the
most horrible language. He's been saying things I've never heard
before! All these awful 4-letter words! You've got to come get me
and take me home... please mamma!"

"Now Sarah . . ." her mother answered. "Calm down! Tell me, what
could be so awful? What 4-letter words has he been using?"

"Please don't make me tell you, mamma." wept the daughter.
"I'm so embarrassed! They're just too awful! You've got to come
get me and take me home... please mamma!"

"Darling, baby, you must tell me what has you so upset . . .
Tell your mother these horrible 4-letter words!"

Still sobbing, the bride replied,
"Oh, mamma . . . words like dust, wash, iron, and cook!"


----------



## SINC

My apologies to blondes, but it is too funny not to share:

A ventriloquist is touring and one night he’s doing a show in a club in a small town. With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual act including his repertoire of dumb blonde jokes.

Suddenly a blonde woman in the middle of the crowd stands up and starts shouting at the stage.

“I’ve heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way?”

“What does the colour of a person’s hair have to do with her worth as a human being?”

“It’s men like you that keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community and from reaching our full potential as a person. 

Because you, and men like you continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes, but women in general, and all in the name of humour!”

The embarrassed ventriloquist starts to stutter an apology when the blonde yells, “You stay out of this, mister! I’m talking to that little creep on your knee.”


----------



## SINC

Henry's dad was a farmer in a poor district of the country. One day his Uncle Festus came to visit. Since there were limited accommodations, they were required to sleep together. 

When Uncle Festus came into the bedroom, he saw Henry kneeling at the side of the bed with his head bowed. 

Thinking this was the child's religious upbringing, he decided to present a good example and kneeled at the other side of the bed with his head bowed. 

Henry looked up and said, "Whatcha doin'?" 

"Why, the same thing you're doing", replied Uncle Festus. 

"Ma's gonna be mad", said Henry, "The pot's on this side."


----------



## rgray




----------



## markceltic

I was riding to work yesterday when I observed a female driver cut right in front of a pickup truck, causing him to have to drive on to the shoulder to avoid hitting her. 

This evidently angered the driver enough that he hung his arm out his window and "flipped" the woman off. 

"Man, that guy is stupid," I thought to myself. I ALWAYS smile nicely and wave in a sheepish manner whenever a female does anything to me in traffic, and here ' s why:

I drive 48 miles each way every day to work. 

That ' s 96 miles each day.

Of these, 16 miles each way is bumper-to-bumper.

Most of the bumper-to-bumper is on an 8 lane highway.

There are 7 cars every 40 feet for 32 miles.


That works out to be 982 cars every mile, or 31,424 cars.

Even though the rest of the 32 miles is not I figure I pass at least another 4000 cars.

That brings the number to something like 36,000 cars that I pass every day. 

Statistically, females drive half of these.

That ' s 18,000 women drivers!

In any given group of females, 1 in 28 has PMS.

That ' s 642.

According to Cosmopolitan, 70% describe their love life as dissatisfying or unrewarding. 

That ' s 449.

According to the National Institutes of Health, 22% of all females have seriously considered suicide or homicide.

That ' s 98.

And 34% describe men as their biggest problem. 

That ' s 33.

According to the National Rifle Association, 5% of all females carry weapons, and this number is increasing.

That means that EVERY SINGLE DAY, I drive past at least one female that has a lousy love life, thinks 
men are her biggest problem, has seriouslyconsidered suicide or homicide, has PMS, and is armed.

Flip one off? ....... I think not.


----------



## SINC

Yesterday I was buying a large bag of Purina dog chow at a pet store, and was about to check out. A woman behind me asked if I had a dog. 

On impulse, I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, and that I was starting the Purina Diet again. Although I probably shouldn't, because I'd ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms. 

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry and that the foods nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story.) 

Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. 

I told her no; I stepped off a curb to sniff an Irish Setter's behind and a car hit us both. 

I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack, he was laughing so hard.


----------



## markceltic

A photographer for CNN was assigned to cover southern California's Wildfires. He wanted pictures of the heroic work the firefighters were doing as they battled the blazes.

When the photographer arrived on the scene, he realized that the smoke was so thick it would seriously impede, or even make impossible, his getting good photographs from the ground level. He requested permission from his boss to rent a plane and take photos from the air.

His request was approved and he used his cell phone to call the local County airport to charter a flight. He was told a single engine plane would be waiting for him at the airport.

Arriving at the airfield, he spotted a plane warming up outside a hanger. He jumped in with his bag, slammed the door shut, and shouted, "Let's go".

The pilot taxied out, swung the plane into the wind and roared down the runway. Once in the air, the photographer instructed the pilot, "Fly over the valley and make two or three low passes so I can take some pictures of the fires on the hillsides."

"Why?" asked the pilot.

"Because I'm a photographer for CNN," he responded. "And I need to get some close-up shots."

The pilot was strangely silent for a moment, finally he stammered, "So, what you're telling me, is...you're NOT my flight instructor?"


----------



## GratuitousApplesauce

Saw this on the web today:

An elderly man in Florida had owned a large farm for several years. 

He had a large pond in the back acreage, fixed up nice; picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees. The pond was ideal for swimming, although he rarely did that anymore.

One evening he decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and give it a look over. He grabbed a five gallon bucket so he could bring back some fruit. 

As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. 

When he got to the edge of the pond he found several piles of women's clothing, including underwear.

Then when he looked up he saw a dozen or so young women skinny-dipping in his pond. 

He made the women aware of his presence and they all immediately went over to the far end and hid themselves in the deeper water. 

One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!" 

The old man frowned, "Hey, I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or to make you jump out of the pond naked." Holding the bucket up He said, "I'm just here to feed the alligators."

Moral of the story: Sometimes, even old men can think fast.


----------



## The Doug

A pirate walked into a bar.

The bartender couldn't help but notice that the pirate had a steering wheel jammed down the front of his pantaloons.

"Excuse me sir," the bartender said to the pirate. "Isn't that uncomfortable?"

The pirate glanced down. "Harrrrr..." he said. "It's drivin' me nuts."


----------



## The Doug

A cowboy rode into town, got off his horse, lifted its tail and kissed it where the sun don't shine.

"What did you do that for?" asked an old timer sitting outside the saloon.

"Got chapped lips," replied the cowboy.

"And does that help?" said the old timer.

"Nope," said the cowboy. "But it keeps me from lickin' ‘em."


----------



## SINC

A professor was asked to give a talk on "Sex".

When his turn came, he stood, walked to the podium, adjusted the microphone just so. 

He said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, it gives me great pleasure . . ."

And he sat back down.


----------



## krs

Three Microsoft engineers and three Apple employees are traveling by train to a computer conference. At the station, the three Microsoft engineers each buy tickets and watch as the three Apple employees buy only a single ticket. “How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?” asks a Microsoft engineer. “Watch and you’ll see,” answers the Apple employee. They all board the train. The Microsoft engineers take their respective seats, but all three Apple employees cram into a restroom and close the door behind them. Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the restroom door and says, “Ticket, please.” The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes the ticket and moves on.

The Microsoft engineers saw this and agreed it was quite a clever idea. So after the conference, the Microsoft engineers decide to do the same on the return trip and save some money. When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the Apple employees don’t buy any ticket, at all. “How are you going to travel without a ticket?” asks one perplexed Microsoft engineer. “Watch and you’ll see,” answers an Apple employee. When they board the train the three Microsoft engineers cram into a restroom and the three Apple employees cram into another one nearby. The train departs. Shortly afterward, one of the Apple employees leaves his restroom and walks over to the restroom where the Microsoft engineers are hiding. He knocks on the door and says, “Ticket, please…


----------



## SINC

TORONTO, ONTARIO (CP) - A seven-year-old Toronto, Ontario boy was at the centre of a Toronto city courtroom drama yesterday when he challenged a court ruling over who should have custody of him. 

The boy has a history of being beaten by his parents and the judge initially awarded custody to his aunt, in keeping with child custody law and regulations requiring that family unity be maintained to the degree possible.

The boy surprised the court when he proclaimed that his aunt beat him more than his parents and he adamantly refused to live with her. When the judge then suggested that he live with his grandparents, the boy cried out they also beat him.

After considering the remainder of the immediate family and learning that domestic violence was apparently a way of life among them, the judge took the unprecedented step of allowing the boy to propose who should have custody of him.

After two recesses to check legal references and confer with child welfare officials, the judge granted temporary custody to the Toronto Maple Leafs, whom the boy firmly believes are not capable of beating anyone.


----------



## doole

Moses comes down from the mount and says to the people of Israel:

"People of Israel, I have good news and I have bad news.

"The good news is I got Him down to 10 commandments, from 39.

"The bad news is ... 

"adultery is still in there."

ba-dump-bump...


----------



## SINC

An elderly couple was celebrating their sixtieth anniversary. The couple had married as childhood sweethearts, and they had moved back to their old neighborhood in Florida after they retired. 

Holding hands they walked back to their old school. It was not locked, so they entered, and they found the old desk they'd shared, where Andy had carved "I love you, Sally." 

On their way back home, a bag of money fell out of an armored car, practically landing at their feet. Sally quickly picked it up, but she was not sure what to do with it. However, they took it home where they could decide what to do about it. There, she counted the money, a hundred thousand dollars.

Andy said, "We've got to give it back."

Sally said, "Nope. Finders keepers." She put the money back in the bag and hid it in their attic.

The next day, two policemen were canvassing the neighborhood looking for the money, and they knocked on Andy and Sally's door.

"Pardon me, but did either of you find a bag that fell out of an armored car yesterday?"

Sally said, "No."

Andy said, "She's lying. She hid it up in the attic."

Sally said, "Don't believe him, he's getting senile."

The agents turn to Andy and began to question him. One said: "Tell us the story from the beginning."

Andy said, "Well, when Sally and I were walking home from school yesterday . . . ." 

The first policeman turned to his partner and said, "We're outta here."


----------



## ciaochiao

TD: You are really too funny!! I invite all to re-read his 'Why did the Chicken Cross the Road" wayyyy back around page 2 or 3 of this thread!
CC


----------



## Greenman

Sportsman's Double

An 'older' woman at the bar was approached by a younger guy.

She looked pretty darn HOT for 62. She was drinking quite a bit and, while they were chatting, she came right out and asked him if he'd ever had a 'sportsman's double' - a mother and daughter threesome.

He said no, but she might be able to talk him into it. So she slams back one last drink wipes her mouth and, looking directly into his eyes, says, 'Tonight's your lucky night.'

So they go back to her place, she clicks on the hall light right as they enter her place, and she shouts upstairs:

'Mom! You still awake?'


----------



## GratuitousApplesauce

When NASA was preparing for the Apollo project, it did some astronaut training near a Navajo Indian reservation. One day, a Navajo elder and his son came across the space crew. The old man, who spoke only Navajo, asked a question which his son translated. “What are these guys in the big white suits doing?” 

A member of the crew said they were practicing for their trip to the moon. The old man got very excited and asked if he could send a message in Navajo to the moon with the astronauts.

Recognizing a promotional opportunity, the NASA folks found a tape recorder. After the old man recorded his message, they asked his son to translate it. He refused. They then took the tape to the reservation, where the rest of the tribe listened and laughed but refused to translate the elder’s message to the moon.

Finally, the NASA crew called in an official government translator. He reported that the message said, “Keep your eyes on these guys. They have come to steal your land.”


----------



## Aurora

Patrick and Leam were having a pint in the local and Patrick says
"Leam, Have ye tried the Viagra yet?"
Leam says, "No but i've heard about it. Is it that good?"
Patrick says, "It's great me lad. Ye should give it a try." To which Leam replies," OK,
maybe I should. Can ye get it over the counter?"
Patrick thinks on it then says, "Oh I'd probably have to take two though."


----------



## Dr.G.

This is what happened when Patrick dropped one of his Viagra tablets on the floor.


----------



## SINC

Hmmmm . . .


----------



## gwillikers

A drunk was proudly showing off his new apartment to a couple of his
friends late one night. He led the way to his bedroom where there was a big
brass gong and a mallet.

"What's that big brass gong?" one of the guests asked.

"It's not a gong. It's a talking clock," the drunk replied.

"A talking clock? Seriously?" asked his astonished friend.

"Yup," replied the drunk.

"How's it work?" the friend asked, squinting at it. "Watch," the drunk
replied. He picked up the mallet, gave the gong an ear-shattering pound, and stepped back.

The three stood looking at one another for a moment.......


Suddenly, a loud voice called out:
"You a$$hole! It’s three-fifteen in the morning!"


----------



## duosonic

*IKEA rules !!*

It was bound to happen …


----------



## gwillikers

*In Honor of our Wonderful Canadian Winters*










:lmao:


----------



## SINC

LOL! That was great Howie, thanks for the chuckle! :clap:


----------



## SINC

Bob went to see his doctor and said, "You'll probably laugh." The Doctor replied "Of course I won't laugh, I'm a professional. In over twenty years I've never laughed at a patient."

"Okay then," Bob said, and proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing the tiniest 'whoo-ha' the doctor had ever seen. It couldn't have been bigger than the size of a AAA battery.

Unable to control himself, the doctor started giggling, then fell laughing to the floor. Ten minutes later he was able to struggle to his feet and regain his composure.*

"I'm so sorry," said the doctor. "I really am. I don't know what came over me. On my honor as a doctor and a gentleman, I promise it won't happen again. Now, what seems to be the problem?"

"It's swollen," Bob replied.


----------



## Dr.G.

A great new computer for Passover. 

YouTube - MacBook Matzoh Onion


----------



## SINC

A friend, who worked away from home all week, always made a special effort with his family on the weekends. 

Every Sunday morning he would take his 7-year old granddaughter out for a drive in the car for some bonding time. Just he and his granddaughter.

One particular Sunday however, he had a bad cold and really didn't feel like being up at all. Luckily, his wife came to the rescue and said that she would take their granddaughter out. 

When they returned, the little girl anxiously ran upstairs to see her grandfather. 

"Well, did you enjoy your ride with grandma?"

"Oh yes, PaPa" the girl replied, "and do you know what? We didn't see any dumb bastards or lousy sh!t heads anywhere we went today!" 

Brings a tear to your eye doesn't it?


----------



## MissGulch

Dr.G. said:


> A great new computer for Passover.
> 
> YouTube - MacBook Matzoh Onion


A Macbook you can use on the high holidays. LOL!!!


----------



## Dr.G.

"Out of the mouths of babes ............." Good one, Sinc.


----------



## duosonic

Big giggles. Thanks.


----------



## Dr.G.

Miss G., that would make a good Hanukkah gift. As well, the afikomen could be used as a Jewish Mac tablet computer, or even a new hand-held PDA.


----------



## iMouse

*Putting Your Affairs In Order*

A woman went to her doctor.

The doctor, after an examination, sighed and said, "I've some bad news. You have cancer, and you'd best put your affairs in order."

The woman was shocked, but managed to compose herself and walk into the waiting room where her daughter had been waiting.

"Well daughter, we women celebrate when things are good, and we celebrate when things don't go so well.

In this case, things aren't well. I have cancer. Let's head to the club and have a martini." 

After 3 or 4 martinis, the two were feeling a little less sombre. There were some laughs and more martinis. They were eventually approached by some of the woman's old friends, who were curious as to what the two were celebrating. 

The woman told her friends they were drinking to her impending end.

"I've been diagnosed with AIDS."

The friends were aghast and gave the woman their condolences.

After the friends left, the woman's daughter leaned over and whispered, "Momma, I thought you said you were dying of cancer, and you just told your friends you were dying of AIDS."

The woman said, "I don't want any of those bitches sleeping with your father after I'm gone."


That's "Putting Your Affairs In Order"!! :lmao:


----------



## Dr.G.

This was just sent to me by an ex-student who I taught in grade six down in Waycross, Georgia. He became a lawyer in South Carolina.

When Grandma Goes To Court

Lawyers should never ask a Mississippi grandma a question if they aren't
prepared for the answer.
In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first
witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know me?' She responded, 'Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you'll never amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.'

The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the
room and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?'

She again replied, 'Why yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a
youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't
build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the
worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three
different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him.'

The defense attorney nearly died.

The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet
voice, said, 'If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you both to the electric chair.'


----------



## SINC

A frog telephones the Psychic Hotline and is told, "You are going to meet a beautiful young girl who will want to know everything about you."

The frog says, "This is great! Will I meet her at a party, or what?"

"No," says the psychic. "Next semester in her biology class."


----------



## Dr.G.

Have a chuckle with Rich Little, et al.

YouTube - RICH LITTLE on Dean Martin Roasts of Jack Benny


----------



## iMouse

*Little Johnny, again*

Little Johnny attended a horse auction with his father. 

He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs and rump, and chest. 

After a few minutes, Johnny asked, "Dad, why are you doing that?" 

His father replied, "Because when I'm buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy. 

Johnny, looking worried, said, "Dad, I think the Purilator guy wants to buy Mom."


----------



## The Doug

.


----------



## SINC

We went to breakfast at a restaurant where the "seniors' special" was two eggs, bacon, hash browns and toast for $1.99.

'Sounds good,' my wife said. 'But I don't want the eggs.'

'Then I'll have to charge you two dollars and forty-nine cents because you're ordering a la carte,' the waitress warned her.

'You mean I'd have to pay more for NOT taking the eggs?' my wife asked incredulously.

'YES!' stated the waitress.

'I'll take the special then,' my wife said.

'How do you want your eggs?' the waitress asked.

'Raw and in the shell,' my wife replied.

She took the two eggs home.


----------



## Dr.G.

Good one, Sinc. Luckily, she did not order toast, as did Jack N. Paix.


----------



## markceltic

The owner of a golf course in Texas was confused about paying an invoice 
minus his early payment discount, so he decided to ask his secretary for 
some mathematical help. He called her into his office and said, "You 
graduated from the University of Texas and I need some help. If I were 
to give you $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off? 

The secretary thought a moment, then replied, "Everything but my earrings." 

You gotta love them Texas women!!!


----------



## mrjimmy

What do you get when you pour boiling water down a rabbit hole?

Hot cross bunnies.

_Thought I'd slide that one in before Easter was over._


----------



## SINC

A rather cocky U.S. Department of Agriculture representative stopped at farm and talked with an old farmer in New Hampshire.

He told the farmer, "I need to inspect your farm."

The old farmer said, "OK, but don't go in that field right over yonder."

The Agriculture representative said, "Mister, I have the authority of the United States Government with me. See this badge? This badge means I am allowed to go WHEREVER I WISH on any agricultural land. No questions asked or answered. Have I made myself clear? Do you understand?"

The farmer nodded politely and went about his farm chores.

Half an hour later, the farmer heard loud screams and saw the Agriculture Rep running for the fence and close behind was the farmer's huge-horned prize Bull. The bull was gaining on the Agriculture Rep with every step.

The Rep was clearly terrified, so the farmer immediately threw down his tools, ran to the fence and shouted out, "Your badge! Your badge! Show him your badge!"


----------



## The Doug

A man walked into a fish market with a salmon under his arm.

"Do you have any fish cakes?" he asked the man behind the counter.

"Sorry, no." replied the counter attendant.

"Shame," said the man, looking at his salmon. "It's his birthday today."


----------



## gwillikers

A recent study found the average Canadian walks about 900 miles a year. 

Another study found Canadians drink, on average, 22 gallons of beer a year. 

That means, on average, Canadians get about 41 miles to the gallon.

Kind'a makes ya proud to be Canadian! ...eh ?


----------



## winwintoo

A 5 year old's first job...



Here's a truly heartwarming story about the bond formed between a little 5-year-old girl and some construction workers that will make you believe that we all can make a difference when we give a child the gift of our time.

A young family moved into a house, next to a vacant lot. One day, a construction crew began to build a house on the empty lot. The young family's 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in the goings-on and spent much of each day observing the workers. 

Eventually the construction crew, all of them 'gems-in-the-rough,' more or less, adopted her as a kind of project mascot. They chatted with her during coffee and lunch breaks and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important. At the end of the first week, they even presented
her with a pay envelope containing ten dollars. The little girl took this home to her mother who suggested that she take her ten dollars 'pay' she'd received to the bank the next day to start a savings account. 

When the girl and her mom got to the bank, the teller was equally impressed and asked the little girl how she had come by her very own pay check
at such a young age. The little girl proudly replied,

"I worked last week with a real construction crew building the new house next door to us." "Oh my goodness gracious," said the teller, "and will you be working on the house again this week, too?"

The little girl replied, "I will, if those a$$h01es at Home Depot ever deliver the f$%$%$&' sheet rock." 

Kind of brings a tear to the eye - doesn't it?


----------



## cap10subtext

A farmer needed a fence built and he needed the job done right. So he hired himself three workers to knock in the fence posts around the perimeter of his farm. He struck a deal to pay them by the post and then sent them off to work for the day.

The first man came back to the house at about 6 in the evening. He dropped his slegde hammer at the front door and declared "I put in 100 posts". The farmer said, "that's not too bad for a days work, you must be exhausted." The next man came back to the house at around 8 at night. He put down his hammer and said, "I put in 175 posts." The farmer replied, "that's extraordinary, you must be dead on your feet." Seeing no sign of the third man he promptly went to bed.

The farmer woke to the crashing of a sledge hammer on the porch. The farmer raced downstairs to see the third man in tatters on his doorstep. His hands were bloody and he was covered in sweat. "If you don't mind," he panted, "I put in 29 posts. And I'd like my money now."

"Only 29??" the farmer howled, "the other two men put in 275 between the two of them and they were done last night."

The man got angry, "Of course they did! Those lazy bastards only hammered them in part of the way!"


----------



## simon

THE CASE OF THE PREGNANT LADY

A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her. She immediately moved to another seat. This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again. The man seemed more amused. When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained to the driver and he had the man arrested.

The case came up in court.

The judge asked the man (about 20 years old) what he had to say for himself. The man replied, 'Well your Honor, it was like this: When the lady got on the bus, I couldn't help but notice her condition. She sat down under a sign that said, 'The Double Mint Twins are Coming' and I grinned.' Then she moved and sat under a sign that said, 'Logan's Liniment will reduce the swelling', and I had to smile. Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said, 'William's Big Stick Did the Trick', and I could hardly contain myself.' BUT, your Honor, when She moved the fourth time and sat under a sign that said, 'Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident'... I just lost it.'

CASE DISMISSED!!


----------



## rgray

An apparently self-important college freshman attending a recent football game took it upon himself to explain to a senior citizen sitting next to him why it was impossible for the older generation to understand his generation.

'You grew up in a different world, actually an almost primitive one, ' the student said, loud enough for many of those nearby to hear. 'The young people of today grew up with television, jet planes, space travel, man walking on the moon. Our space probes have visited Mars. We have nuclear energy, ships and electric and hydrogen cars, cell phones. Computers with light-speed processing...and more.'

After a brief silence the senior citizen responded as follows:

'You're right, son. We didn't have those things when we were young........so we invented them. Now, you arrogant little turd, what are you doing for the next generation?'


The applause was amazing.......


----------



## Dr.G.

Good one, rgray. Seniors of the world unite!!!!!!!!!!


----------



## The Doug

An Engineer's Guide To Cats


----------



## iJohnHenry

Doug, this deserves


----------



## gwillikers

A man with a gun goes into a bank and demands money. 

Once he is given the money, he turns to a customer and asks, 'Did you see me rob this bank?' 

The man replied, 'Yes sir, I did.' The robber then shot him in the head, killing him instantly.

He then turned to a couple standing next and asked the woman, 'Did you see me rob this bank?' 

The woman replied, 'No sir, I didn't, but my husband did.'


----------



## SINC

When asked by their host if she would like another drink, the attractive woman bowed her head slightly and said, "No thank you. My husband limits me to one drink." 

"Why is that," the host asked? 

She replied, "Because after one drink I can feel it; after two drinks, anyone can!"


----------



## gwillikers

Tim was on his deathbed and gasped pitifully. "Give me one last request, dear," he said.

"Of course, Tim," his wife said softly.

"Six months after I die, he said, "I want you to marry Lawrence."

"But I thought you hated Lawrence," she said.

With his last breath, Tim said, "I do!"


----------



## SINC

Why Saskatchewan has no Daylight Saving Time . . .

They listened to a wise old Indian who told them the reason for daylight saving time:

"Only a white man would believe that you could cut a foot off the top of a blanket and sew it to the bottom of a blanket and have a longer blanket."


----------



## rgray

*Hymn #365*

A minister was completing a temperance sermon. With great emphasis he said, If I had all the beer in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river.'

With even greater emphasis he said, 'And if I had all the wine in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river.'

And then finally, shaking his fist in the air, he said, 'And if I had all the whiskey in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river.'

Sermon complete, he sat down.

The song leader stood very cautiously and announced with a smile, nearly laughing, 'For our closing song, let us sing Hymn #365, 'Shall We Gather at the River.'


----------



## skinnyboy

A mac user and a pc user walk into a whorehouse, each select a companion, and head off to their rooms.

Along the way they pass a condom dispensing machine. The pc user stops to buy one and then looks over at the mac user,"Hey, aren't you going to use protection?"

The mac user replies,"Not necessary."

Rolling his eyes the pc user says,"Oh yeah, I forgot - mac users don't have viruses."

"No", says the mac user handing his companion a chess board. "We don't have sex."


----------



## rgray

*How to use Your Tax Refund check...*

How to use Your Tax Refund check...


If we spend that money at Wal-Mart, the money will go to China.
If we spend it on gasoline it will go to the Arabs.
If we purchase a computer it will go to India.
If we purchase fruits and vegetables it will go to Honduras, and Guatemala.
If we purchase a good car it will go to Japan.
If we purchase useless stuff it will go to Taiwan and none of it will help the Canadian economy.
We need to keep that money here in Canada.

The only way to keep that money here at home is to spend it at yard sales, since those are the only businesses left owned by Canadians !!!


----------



## SINC

After 25 years of marriage, a couple was lying in bed one evening, when the missus felt her husband begin to fondle her in ways her hadn't for quite some time.

It almost tickled as his fingers started at her neck, and then began moving down past the small of her neck.

He then caressed her shoulders and neck, slowly working his hand down over her chest, stopping just over her lower stomach. He then proceeded to place his hand on her left inner arm, working down her side, passing gently over her buttock and down her leg to her calf.

He continued in the same manner on her right side, then stopped, rolled over and became silent. 

As she had become quite aroused by his caressing, she asked in a loving voice, "Honey, that was wonderful. Why did you stop?"

*"I found the remote." he mumbled.*


----------



## SINC

A Scotsman goes into a brothel in Amsterdam one night and finds himself a prostitute.

He asks her, 'How much dae yee charrrge forrrr an hourrr?'

'100 Euro’, she replies.

So he asks, 'Okay, do yee do Scottish style?'

She then says no, not knowing what Scottish style was.

He then asks her, 'I'll pay you 200 euro to do it Scottish style.' Again she declines his offer. So he then offers her 300 Euro. She says, 'No!' So finally he says, 'I'll give yee 500 Euro to go Scottish style with me!'

Finally she agrees thinking, 'Well, I've been in the game for over 10 years now. I've been there and done that, had every kind of request from weirdo's from every corner of the world. How bad could Scottish style be?'

So she has sex with him, doing it in every kind of way and in every possible position. Finally, after several intense hours they finish. Exhausted, the hooker turns to him and says, 'That was fantastic. I've never enjoyed it so much. But I was expecting something perverted and disgusting. Where does the 'Scottish style' come in?'

The Scotsman replies . . . 'I'll pay ye next week.'


----------



## markceltic

Mensa is an organization whose members have an IQ of 140 or higher. A few years ago, there was a Mensa convention in San Francisco, and several members lunched at a local cafe.

While dining, they discovered that their saltshaker contained pepper and their pepper shaker was full of salt. How could they swap the contents of the bottles without
spilling, and using only the implements at hand? Clearly this was a job for Mensa! 

The group debated and presented ideas, and finally came up with a brilliant solution involving a napkin, a straw, and an empty saucer. 

They called the waitress over to dazzle her with their solution.

"Ma'am," they said," we couldn't help but notice that the pepper shaker contains salt and the salt shaker..."

"Oh," the waitress interrupted. "Sorry about that." She unscrewed the caps of both bottles and switched them.


----------



## iJohnHenry

I saw that coming.

Where do I sign???


----------



## SINC

A man had just settled into his seat next to the window on the plane when another man sat down in the aisle seat and put his black Labrador Retriever in the middle seat next to the man.

The first man looked very quizzically at the dog and asked why the dog was allowed on the plane. The second man explained that he was a DEA agent and that the dog was a 'sniffing dog'. 'His name is Sniffer and he's the best there is. I'll show you once we get airborne, when I put him to work.'

The plane took off, and once it has leveled out, the agent said, 'Watch this.'

He told Sniffer to 'search'. Sniffer jumped down, walked along the aisle, and finally sat very purposefully next to a woman for several seconds. Sniffer then returned to his seat and put one paw on the agent's arm. The agent said, 'Good boy', and he turned to the man and said, 'That woman is in possession of marijuana, so I'm making a note of her seat number and the authorities will apprehend her when we land.

'Say, that's pretty neat,' replied the first man.

Once again, the agent sent Sniffer to search the aisles. The Lab sniffed about, sat down beside a man for a few seconds, returned to its seat, and this time he placed two paws on the agent's arm. The agent said, 'That man is carrying cocaine, so again, I'm making a note of his seat number for the police.'

'I like it!' said his seatmate.

The agent then told Sniffer to 'search' again. Sniffer walked up and down the aisles for a little while, sat down for a moment, and then came racing back to the agent, jumped into the middle seat and proceeded to poop all over the place.

The first man was really grossed out by this behavior and couldn't figure out how or why a well-trained dog would behave like that, so he asked the agent 'What's going on?'

The agent nervously replied, 'He just found a bomb.'


----------



## The Doug

Four fonts walk into a bar.

The bartender says, "Hey! Get out! We don't want your type in here!"


----------



## rebekahqc

*agnostic*

What does an agnostic, insomniac, dyslexic do?

Stays up all night wondering if there is a DOG.


----------



## GratuitousApplesauce

The Doug said:


> Four fonts walk into a bar.
> 
> The bartender says, "Hey! Get out! We don't want your type in here!"


Gah - roooaan!


----------



## rebekahqc

*A powerful force meets an immoveable object.*

Transcription of a radio communication between a US naval ship and Canadian authorities:
The Americans: Please change your course 15deg to avoid a collision. Over 
The Canadians: Suggest YOU change YOUR course 15 deg to avoid a collision. Over. 
The Americans: This is the Captain of one ship of a US naval force. I repeat will you change your course. Over 
The Canadians: No, will YOU please change your course. Over. 
The Americans: This is the Admiral aboard the aircraft carrier the USS Lincoln, the second largest ship in the American navy. We are accompanied by three destroyers, three cruisers and a large number of escort vessels. I demand that you change your course by 15 deg North or we will take measures to guarantee the security of our ships. Over. 
The Canadians: This is a lighthouse. Over.


----------



## CubaMark

rebekahqc said:


> Transcription of a radio communication between a US naval ship and Canadian authorities:.


An oldie, but a goodie. It once circulated as having been based on an actual exchange... but that _couldn't_ be true....


----------



## rebekahqc

CubaMark said:


> An oldie, but a goodie. It once circulated as having been based on an actual exchange... but that _couldn't_ be true....


 Yah, I like to dig it out once a year or so. It always makes me laugh.


----------



## Lichen Software

*A Woman's got to have her secrets And ....*

A couple has a horrible fight and the young lady storms off out into the night.

When she does not come home, he starts getting worried and calls around trying to find out where she is ... all to no avail. 

She finally comes home the next day and he says "Where have YOU been? I phoned 10 of your friends and none of them knew anything."

She is still ticked and responds " Maybe You don't know ALL of my friends."

He says "That's it, I'm out of here.". He takes off and he does not come home that night.

He finally shows up the next day and as soon as he comes through the door she says "Where the hell have you been. I phoned 10 of your friends. All 10 said you hAd been there and 6 said you were still there and would not talk to me."


----------



## SINC

A distinguished young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the Priest beside her, 'Father, may I ask a favour?'

'Of course child. What may I do for you?'

'Well, I bought an expensive woman's electronic hair dryer for my mother's birthday that is unopened and well over the Customs limits, and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?'

'I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie.'

'With your honest face, Father, no one will question you.'

When they got to Customs, she let the priest go ahead of her. The official asked, 'Father, do you have anything to declare?'

'From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare.'

The official thought this answer strange, so asked, 'And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?'

'I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused.'

Roaring with laughter, the official said, 'Go ahead, Father. Next!'


----------



## gwillikers

Siamese twins walk into a pub in Ontario and park themselves on a bar stool. One of them says to the bartender, 'Don't mind us, we're joined at the hip. I'm John, he's Jim. Two Molson Canadian beers, draft please'.

The bartender, feeling slightly awkward, tries to make polite conversation while pouring the beers.

'Been on holiday yet, lads?'

'Off to England next month,' says John. 'We go to England every year and hire a car and drive for miles, don't we, Jim?'
Jim agrees.

'Ah, England!' says the bartender. 'Wonderful country... the history, the beer, the culture...'

'Nah, we don't like that British crap,' says John. ' Hamburgers & Molsons beer, that's us, eh Jim? And we can't stand the English - they're so arrogant and rude.'

'So why keep going to England ?' asks the bartender.

'It's the only chance Jim gets to drive.'

:lmao:


----------



## The Doug

An echo walked into a bar... you've heard it before, haven't you?


----------



## The Doug

Water on Mars!!!


----------



## Dr.G.

Good one, Doug.


----------



## SINC

Two women were taking the elevator to the lobby from the 25th floor. 

On the 23rd floor, a very handsome looking man with great hair but obvious dandruff gets into the elevator. 

The women exchange a look acknowledging just how good looking this man is. 

The man gets off the elevator on the 12th floor. 

The women watch him exit the elevator. Then one woman turns to the other and says, 'God was he good looking, but someone ought to give him some Head & Shoulders.' 

To which the other replies, 'How do you give shoulders?'


----------



## Chris

Good one, Sinc! :clap: 

I actually did LOL! :lmao:


----------



## gwillikers




----------



## Dr.G.

Good one, gw. A talking chicken .................


----------



## Bolor

A woman went up to the bar in a quiet rural pub.
She gestured alluringly to the bartender who approached her immediately.
She seductively signaled that he should bring his face closer to hers.
As he did, she gently caressed his full beard. "
Are you the manager?" she asked, softly
stroking his face with both hands. "Actually, no," he replied.
"Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him," she said,
running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair.
"I'm afraid I can't," breathed the bartender.. "Is there anything I can do?"
"Yes. I need you to give him a message," she continued,
running her forefinger across the bartender's lip and
slyly popping a couple of her fingers into his mouth and
allowing him to suck them gently.
"What should I tell him?" the bartender managed to say.
"Tell him," she whispered, "
There's no toilet paper, hand soap, or paper towels in the ladies room."


----------



## krs

A Ritchie County, West Virginia farmer got in his pickup and drove to a neighboring farm and knocked at the door. A young boy about 9 years old opened the door.
'Is yer Dad home?' the farmer asked. 'No sir, he ain't,' the boy replied. 'He went into town.'
'Well,' said the farmer, 'is yer Mom here?'
'No, sir, she ain't here neither. She went into town with Dad.'
'How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?'
'He went with Mom and Dad.'
The farmer stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other and mumbling to himself.
'Is there anything I can do fer ya?' the boy asked politely. 'I know where all the tools are if you want to borry one. Or maybe I could take a message fer Dad.'
'Well,' said the farmer uncomfortably, 'I really wanted to talk to yer Dad. It's about your Brother Howard getting my daughter, Pearly Mae, Pregnant.'
The boy considered for a moment. 'You would have to talk to Pa about that' he finally conceded. 'If it helps you any, I know that Pa charges $500 for the bull and $50 for the hog, but I really don't know how much he gets fer Howard.'


----------



## SINC

A man boarded a plane with six kids. 

After they got settled in their seats a woman sitting across the aisle from him leaned over to him and asked, 'Are all of those kids yours?'

He replied, 'No. I work for a condom company. These are customer complaints.'


----------



## iJohnHenry

*The Cross-Eyed Rottweiler*

A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet.

"My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?"

"Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him."

So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth.

Finally, he says "I'm going to have to put him down."

"What? Because he's cross-eyed?"







"No, because he's to bloody heavy to hold."


----------



## SINC

Always wear clean underwear in public, especially when working under your vehicle . . . From the Northwest Florida Daily News comes this story of a Crestview couple who drove their car to Wal-Mart, only to have their car break down in the parking lot.

The man told his wife to carry on with the shopping while he fixed the car in the lot. The wife returned later to see a small group of people near the car. On closer inspection, she saw a pair of male legs protruding from under the chassis. Although the man was in shorts, his lack of underpants turned private parts into glaringly public ones. Unable to stand the embarrassment, she dutifully stepped forward, quickly put her hand UP his shorts, and tucked everything back into place.

She took a deep breath and stood up boldly to face the crowd. She looked across the hood and found herself staring at her husband, who had been standing idly by.

The mechanic under the car however, had to have three stitches in his forehead.


----------



## Bolor

:clap: :clap: :clap:


----------



## CubaMark

rebekahqc said:


> Transcription of a radio communication between a US naval ship and Canadian authorities:


Heh - found a video someone did of this, but the opposing force is Irish...

And, alas, here is the Snopes debunking of this one.


----------



## SINC

Grandpa was celebrating his 100th birthday and everybody complimented him on how athletic and well-preserved he appeared.

"Gentlemen, I will tell you the secret of my success," he cackled. "I have been in the open air day after day for some 75 years now."

The celebrants were impressed and asked how he managed to keep up his rigorous fitness regime.

"Well, you see my wife and I were married 75 years ago. On our wedding night, we made a solemn pledge. Whenever we had a fight, the one who was proved wrong would go outside and take a walk."


----------



## Dr.G.

Teachers' Salary


Teachers' hefty salaries are driving up taxes, and they only work 9 or 10 months a year!It's time we put things in perspective and pay them for what they do--babysit!
We can get that for less than minimum wage. Right? Let's give them $3.00 an hour
and pay them for the hours they actually work, not any of that silly planning time.
That would be $19.50 a day (7:00 AM to 3:30 (or so) PM with just 25 min. off for lunch).
Each parent should pay $19.50 a day for these teachers to baby-sit their children.
NOW...
How many do they teach in a class, 30? So that's $19.50 x 30 = $585.00 a day.
However, remember they only work 180 days a year!!! We're not going to pay them
for any vacations.

LET'S SEE....

That's $585 x 180= $105,300 per year.
What about those special teachers and the ones with master's degrees?
Well, we could pay them minimum wage, and just to be fair, round it off to $7.00 an hour.
That would be $7 x 6 1/2 hours x 30 children x 180 days = $245,700 per year.
Wait a minute--there's something wrong here!
Average teacher salary
$50,000/180 days = $277/per day/30 students = $9.23/6.5 hours = $1.42 per hour per student.
A very inexpensive baby-sitter and they even try - with your help - to EDUCATE your kids!
WHAT A DEAL.... And the parents don't even have to buy us pizza!
Make a teacher smile; send this to someone else who appreciates teachers


----------



## iJohnHenry

*Once upon a time ...*

.... there were two brothers. One brother was very mischievous, always getting into trouble. The other brother, however, was very good. He was always kind to animals, helped elderly neighbours, and led an exemplary life.

As time went on, the brothers stayed in touch but were never close. The evil brother became a heavy drinker and a womaniser. The other brother was a devoted husband and father and supported many charities.

One day the evil brother died.

Then, after a few years, the good brother passed away. He went to heaven and was rewarded with a happy afterlife.

One day he went to God and asked, "Where is my brother? He died before me, but I have not seen him here in heaven."

God replied, "As you know, your brother led an evil life, so he is not spending eternity here in heaven. He has been sent elsewhere."

"I'm sorry to hear that", the good brother replied. "But I do miss him and wish I could see him again."

"You can see him if you wish", God said. "I will give you the power to gaze into Hell."

So the power was granted and the good brother gazed into Hell. Before long he saw his brother sitting on a bench. In one arm he held a keg of beer, and in the other he cradled a gorgeous young blonde.

The good brother turned to God and said, "I can't believe what I'm seeing. I have found my brother, and he has a keg of beer in one arm and a beautiful woman in the other. Surely, Hell cannot be that bad."

God explained. "Things are not always as they seem. The keg has a hole in it. The blonde doesn't."


----------



## krs




----------



## Sitting Bull

A little girl asked her mother,"how did the human race appear?"
The mother answered, "God made Adam and Eve and they had children and so was all mankind made."
Two days later the girl asked her father the same question.
The father answered, " Many years ago there were monkeys from which the human race evolved."
The confused girl returned to her mother and said. " Mum, how is it possible that you told me the human race was created by God, and Dad said they developed from monkeys ? "
The mother answered, Well, Dear, it is very simple. I told you about my side of the family and your father told you about his."


----------



## GratuitousApplesauce

One day a man died and discovered that he had entered the Gates of Hell.

Depressed at his fate, but not knowing what was in store for him he followed the signs directing him to the reception area. He took a number and went to the counter when his number was called.

The demon at the counter, sitting behind a computer monitor, and rather pleasant looking for a demon, addressed him by name and asked him how he was feeling. The man said, "Whaddaya think, I'm in Hell. I'm depressed and scared."

The demon said, "Don't worry it's not so bad down here. For instance it's says here in your file that you like to drink, right?"

"Oh yeah," said the man "that's probably one of the big reasons I'm down here."

"Well it just so happens," said the demon "that tomorrow, Monday, is All You Can Drink Day. The Big Guy comes by with a truck load of booze for everyone and you get to drink bottles of the finest hootch. And since you're dead, there's no hang-over. Last Monday just for fun I took a breathalyzer and my blood was 100 proof."

"Hey not bad." said the man. "So who's this Big Guy?"

The demon replied, "You know, Satan, Lucifer, The Prince of Darkness. 12 feet tall, more muscles than Swarzenegger, red skin, horns and a tail."

The demon carried on, "And Tuesday is Drug Day. It's says here you loved to smoke lots of dope and everything else. The Big Guy brings bales of pot and bags of cocaine for everyone to go crazy with. Last Tuesday I smoked a whole pound of pot and snorted a giant bag of coke."

"No kidding?" said the man with a big grin. "That's great!"

"So you like to gamble, right?"

"Too much," said the man, "I lost everything I owned gambling".

"Well," said the demon, "Wednesday is Las Vegas Day here in Hell. The Big Guy brings stacks of money for us all to gamble with and we all play until we fall asleep. Last Wednesday I won and lost 8 million bucks."

"Wow!" said the man, "This sounds like my kind of place. I think I'm gonna love it here in Hell."

"Oh yeah," said the demon, "it's a non-stop party down here in Hell. And I haven't told you the best part yet. It's says in your file that you love sex, right?"

"I was a total fiend." said the man with gusto.

"And your file says your sexual orientation is gay ..."

"Oh no," said the man, "there must be some mistake. I was straight."

After a pause the demon looked up from the monitor, "Hmmmmm ... I guess you won't be too crazy about Thursdays then ... "


----------



## gwillikers

Four doctors, an Israeli, a German, a Russian and a Texan are comparing their medical practices.

The Israeli doctor says, 'Medicine in my country is so
advanced that we can take a kidney
out of one man, put it in another, and have him looking for
work in six weeks.'

The German doctor says, 'That is nothing, we can take a
lung out of one person, put it in
another, and have him looking for work in four weeks.'

The Russian doctor says, 'In my country, medicine is so
advanced that we can take half a
heart out of one person, put it in another, and have them
both looking for work in two
weeks.'

The Texas doctor, not to be outdone, says, 'You guys
are way behind, we recently took a
man with no brains out of Texas, put him in the White House
for eight years, and now half
the country is looking for work.'


----------



## Dr.G.

Good one, gw ............ sad, but all too true at the end.


----------



## screature

Excellent gw. :lmao: :lmao:


----------



## The Doug

A neutron walks into a bar. "I'd like a beer," it says.

The bartender promptly serves up a beer.

'How much will that be?' asks the neutron.

"For you?" replies the bartender, "no charge."


----------



## johnb1

*okay.. Cannibal Restaurant*

In the jungles of Africa, a Cannibal opened a new Restaurant, and naturally, the press wanted to know all about it.
"Okay we have Missionary Meatloaf" , which is about $15 a portion
"We have Peace Corps stew, which is about $17 a portion

and we have Politician Pate, which is about $65 a portion

After the reporter heard this, he wanted to know why the Politician Pate
so expensive'

the manager said " Do you know how much work I have to do cleaning the crap
out of each one before I make it into pate?"

If voting actually changed anything, they'd make it illegal

John B


----------



## SINC

Air Canada recently introduced a special half rate fare for wives who accompanied their husbands on business trips. 

Expecting great feedback, the company sent out letters to all the wives of businessmen who had used the special rates, asking how they enjoyed their trip. 

Letters are still pouring in asking, "What trip?"


----------



## Dr.G.

Good one, Sinc.


----------



## SINC

George met Mick in the street and said, 'Mick, will you draw your bedroom curtains before making love to your wife in future?'

'Why?' Mick asked.

'Because,' said George, 'the entire street was laughing when they saw you making love yesterday.'

Mick said, 'Silly buggers, the laugh's on them. I wasn't home yesterday.'


----------



## SINC

Whether or not you are a country music fan, this is truly the work of a deep thinker, and a highly intelligent person.

So simple, yet so profound. Words of wisdom from that famous philosopher, Willie Nelson, on his 75th birthday:

“I have outlived my dick.”


----------



## rgray

*This is perhaps one of the best comeback lines of all time.*

This is perhaps one of the best comeback lines of all time. It is a portion of an ABC interview between a female broadcaster and the Australian General Peter Cosgrove who was about to sponsor a Boy Scout Troop visiting his military headquarters…


FEMALE INTERVIEWER:
So, General Cosgrove, what things are you going to teach these young boys when they visit your base?

GENERAL COSGROVE:
We're going to teach them climbing, canoeing, archery and shooting. 

FEMALE INTERVIEWER: 
Shooting! That's a bit irresponsible, isn't it?

GENERAL COSGROVE:
I don't see why, they'll be properly supervised on the rifle range. 

FEMALE INTERVIEWER:
Don't you admit that this is a terribly dangerous activity to be teaching children?

GENERAL COSGROVE:
I don't see how. We will be teaching them proper rifle discipline before they even touch a firearm. 

FEMALE INTERVIEWER:
But you're equipping them to become violent killers!

GENERAL COSGROVE:
Well, Ma'am, you're equipped to be a prostitute, but you're not one, are you?


The radio went silent and the interview ended.


----------



## SINC

A country doctor is suturing a laceration on the hand of an old farmer. 

Old man: "All you need to know about politics is that young George Bush is a post turtle." 

Doctor: "Oh? What is a post turtle?" 

Old man: "When yer driving down a country road, and ya come across a fence post with a turtle balanced on top? That's a post turtle. Ya know he didn't get there by himself, he don't belong there, he cain't get anything done while he's up there, and you just want to help take the poor thang down."


----------



## SINC

You know what happens when you give a politician Viagra? 

They grow taller.


----------



## SINC

*He said to me . . .* I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it.
*I said to him . . .* You wear pants don't you?

*He said to me . . .* Shall we try swapping positions tonight?
*I said to him . . .* That's a good idea. You stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and pass gas!

*He said to me. . . *What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?
*I said to him . . .* Turn sideways and look in the mirror!

*He said to me . . .* Why don't women blink during foreplay?
*I said to him . . .* They don't have time

*He said to me . . .* How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
*I said to him . . *. We don't know; it has never happened.

*He said to me . . .* Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and good-looking?
*I said to him . . .* They already have boyfriends.

*I said to him . . .* What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?
*He said to me . . .* A widow.

*He said to me . . .* Why are married women heavier than single women?
*I said to him . . .* Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.


----------



## SINC

Three women: one engaged, one married and one a mistress, are chatting about their relationships and decided to amaze their men. 

That night all three will wear black leather bras, stiletto heels and a mask over their eyes. After a few days they meet up for lunch. 

The engaged woman: The other night when my boyfriend came over he found me with a black leather bodice, tall stilettos and a mask. He saw me and said, 'You are the woman of my life. I love you.' Then we made love all night long. 

The mistress: Me too! The other night I met my lover at his office and I was wearing the leather bodice, heels, mask over my eyes and a raincoat. When I opened the raincoat he didn't say a word, but we had wild sex all night. 

The married woman: I sent the kids to stay at my mother's house for the night. When my husband came home I was wearing the leather bodice, black stockings, stilettos and a mask over my eyes. As soon as he came in the door and saw me he said, 'What's for dinner, Batman?'


----------



## Niteshooter

*Idiots*

IDIOTS IN THE STORE:
I was signing the receipt for my credit card purchase when the clerk
noticed that I had never signed my name on the back of the credit
card. She informed me that she could not complete the transaction
unless the card was signed. When asked why, she explained that it was
necessary to compare the signature on the credit card with the
signature I just signed on the receipt. So, I signed the credit card
in front of her. She carefully compared that signature to the one I
signed on the receipt. As luck would have it, they matched.

IDIOTS IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD:
I live in a semi rural area. We recently had a new neighbor call the
local township administrative office to request the removal of the
Deer Crossing sign on our road. The reason: Many deer were being hit
by cars and he no longer wanted them to cross there.

IDIOTS & COMPUTERS:
My neighbor works in the operations department in the central office
of a large bank. Employees in the field call him when they have
problems with their computers. One night he got a call from
a woman in one of the branch banks who had this question, "I've got
smoke coming from the back of my terminal. Do you guys have a fire
downtown?"

IDIOTS ARE EASY TO PLEASE:
I was sitting in my science class, when the teacher commented that
the next day would be the shortest day of the year. My lab partner
became visibly excited, cheering and clapping. I explained to
her that the amount of daylight changes, not the actual amount of
time. Needless to say, she was very disappointed.

IDIOTS IN FOOD SERVICE:
My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco. She asked
the individual behind the counter for "minimal lettuce." He said he
was sorry, but they only had iceberg.

AN IDIOT'S IDIOT:
Police in Radnor, Pennsylvania, interrogated a suspect by placing a
metal colander on his head and connecting it with wires to a
photocopy machine. The message, "He's lying" was placed in the
copier, and police pressed the copy button each time they thought the
suspect wasn't telling the truth. Believing the "lie detector" was
working, the suspect confessed.


----------



## Niteshooter

*Electile Dysfunction*

I knew someone would find a name for our election process for this year. Electile Dysfunction.The inability to become aroused over any of the choices for PRESIDENTput* forth by*either party in the 2008 election year.


----------



## rgray

*the Harpo and the Minions campaign tour bus!*

the *Harpo and the Minions* campaign tour bus!


----------



## GratuitousApplesauce

rgray said:


> the *Harpo and the Minions* campaign tour bus!


Am I correct in seeing that the driver in the mirror is wearing a warm and fuzzy blue sweater-vest?


----------



## gwillikers

A British passenger in a taxi in Dublin leaned over to
ask the driver a question and tapped him on the shoulder.

The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly
hit a bus, drove up over the curb, and stopped just inches
from the edge of the bridge over the Liffey.

For a few moments everything was silent in the cab, and then
the still shaking driver said, 'Jaysus, I'm sorry, but you scared the divil out of me.'

The frightened Brit apologized to the driver and said he
didn't realize a mere tap on the shoulder could frighten an Irishman so much.

The driver replied, ' Will the Saints in Heaven forgive me?
it's entirely me own fault. Today is me
first day driving a cab..............

I've been driving a hearse for the last 25 years.'


----------



## winwintoo

BREAKING NEWS - From The Liberals

If elected, the Liberal government will start
deporting all of the weird old people.
I started crying when I thought of you.

Run, my friends, RUN !!!!


----------



## SINC

After a two year loan to the United States, Michelangelo's David is being returned to Italy . . .


----------



## MazterCBlazter

.


----------



## winwintoo

MazterCBlazter said:


> So if the Libs get in the core of ehMac will be gone?


Sure, but so will the Senate and have of the House of Commons


----------



## MazterCBlazter

.


----------



## Niteshooter

A man boarded a plane with 6 kids. 

After they got settled in their seats a woman sitting across the aisle from him leaned over and asked him, 'Are all of those kids yours?'

He replied, 'No. I work for a condom company. These are customer complaints.'


----------



## winwintoo

Should children witness childbirth?

Due to a power outage, only one paramedic responded to the call. The house was very dark so the paramedic asked Kathleen, a 3-yr old girl, to hold a flashlight high over her mommy so he could see while he helped deliver the baby. Very diligently, Kathleen did as she was asked.

Mommy pushed and pushed and after a little while, Connor was born. The paramedic lifted him by his little feet and spanked him on his bottom.

Connor began to cry.

The paramedic then thanked Kathleen for her help and asked the wide-eyed 3-yr old what she thought about what she had just witnessed.

Kathleen quickly responded, 'He shouldn't have crawled in there in the first place......smack his a$$ again!'

If you don't laugh at this one, there's no hope for YOU!


----------



## MazterCBlazter

.


----------



## rgray

*The other day I went up to a local Christian bookstore.......*

The other day I went up to a local Christian bookstore and saw a "honk if you love Jesus" bumper sticker. I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come from a thrilling choir performance, followed by a thunderous prayer meeting, so I bought the sticker and put it on my bumper.

Boy, I'm glad I did! What an uplifting experience that followed! I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just lost in thought about the Lord and how good He is ... and I didn't notice that the light had changed. It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus because if he hadn't honked, I'd never have noticed!

I found that LOTS of people love Jesus! Why, while I was sitting there, the guy behind started honking like crazy, and then he leaned out of his window and screamed, "For the love of GOD!! GO! Jesus Christ, GO!" What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus!

Everyone started honking! I just leaned out of my window and started waving and smiling at all these loving people. I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love!

There must have been a man from Florida back there because I heard him yelling something about a "sunny beach".... 

I saw another guy waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air. Then I asked my teenage grandson in the back seat what that meant. He said that it was probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or something.

Well, I've never met anyone from Hawaii, so I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign back. My grandson burst out laughing.... why, even he was enjoying this religious experience!

A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and started walking towards me. I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but this is when I noticed the light had changed.

So, I waved to all my sisters and brothers grinning, and drove on through the intersection. I noticed I was the only car that got through the intersection before the light changed again and I felt kind of sad that I had to leave them after all the love we had shared, so I slowed the car down, leaned out of the window and gave them all the Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as I drove away.

Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks!


----------



## rgray

*Dave was bragging to his boss one day.......*

Dave was bragging to his boss one day, "You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them."

Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, "OK, Dave, how about Tom Cruise?" "No problem boss, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it."

So Dave and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise’s door and Tom Cruise shouts, "Dave! What’s happenin?!? Great to see you! Come on in for a beer!"

Although impressed, Dave’s boss is still sceptical. After they leave Cruise’s house, he tells Dave that he thinks him knowing Cruise was just lucky.

"No, no, just name anyone else," Dave says. "President Bush," his boss quickly retorts. "Yup," Dave says, "Old buddies, let’s fly out to Washington." And off they go.

At the White House, Bush spots Dave on the tour and motions him and his boss over, saying, "Dave, what a surprise, I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and let’s have a cup of coffee first and catch up."

Well, the boss is very shaken by now but still not totally convinced.

After they leave the White House grounds he expresses his doubts to Dave, who again implores him to name anyone else. "The pope," his boss replies. 
"Sure!" says Dave. "I’ve known the Pope a long time."

So off they fly to Rome. Dave and his boss are assembled with the masses in Vatican Square when Dave says, "This will never work. I can’t catch the Pope’s eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards so let me just go upstairs and I’ll come out on the balcony with the Pope."

And he disappears into the crowd headed toward the Vatican. Sure enough, half an hour later Dave emerges with the Pope on the balcony but by the time Dave returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics. Working his way to his boss’ side, Dave asks him, "What happened?"

His boss looks up and says, "I was doing fine until you and the Pope came out on the balcony and the man next to me said, "Who the f*#k is that on the balcony with Dave?"


----------



## Niteshooter

Cup of Tea †

One day my mother was out and my dad was in charge of me. 

I was maybe 2 1/2 years old and had just recovered from an accident. 

Someone had given me a little 'tea set' as a get-well gift and it was one of my favorite toys. 

Daddy was in the living room engrossed in the evening news when I brought Daddy a little cup of 'tea', which was just water. After several cups of tea and lots of praise for such yummy tea, my Mom came home..

My Dad made her wait in the living room to watch me bring him a cup of tea, because it was 'just the cutest thing!' My Mom waited, and sure enough, here I come down the hall with a cup of tea for Daddy and she watches him drink it up. 

Then she says, (as only a mother would know... 

'Did it ever occur to you that the only place she can reach to get water is the toilet?


----------



## MissGulch

Click the Mountie video. Soooo funny!


----------



## Dr.G.

This is how I got into Canada 32 years ago. Of course, I had a job waiting for me here in St.John's at Memorial University, I spoke English, had a mother born in Montreal, I knew about PM Trudeau and that he was born in October and I was born in October. So, I got in with no problems. Still have my ELITE Card.


----------



## Niteshooter

*



NEW STOCK MARKET TERMS in a Nut Shell......


CEO --Chief Embezzlement Officer.


CFO-- Corporate Fraud Officer.


BULL MARKET -- A random market movement causing an investor to mistake

himself for a financial genius.


BEAR MARKET -- A 6 to 18 month period when the kids get no allowance,

the wife gets no jewelry, and the husband gets no sex.


VALUE INVESTING -- The art of buying low and selling lower.


P/E RATIO -- The percentage of investors wetting their pants as the

market keeps crashing.


BROKER -- What my broker has made me.


STANDARD & POOR -- Your life in a nutshell.


STOCK ANALYST -- Idiot who just downgraded your stock.


STOCK SPLIT -- When your ex-wife and her lawyer split your assets

equally between themselves. 

* 

MARKET CORRECTION -- The day after you buy stocks.


CASH FLOW-- The movement your money makes as it disappears down the toilet.


YAHOO -- What you yell after selling it to some poor sucker for $240 per share.


WINDOWS -- What you jump out of when you're the sucker who bought

Yahoo @ $240 per share.


INSTITUTIONAL INVESTOR -- Past year investor who's now locked up in a nuthouse.


PROFIT -- An archaic word no longer in use.


----------



## Niteshooter

How the stock market works

Once upon a time in a village, a man appeared and announced to the
villagers that he would buy monkeys for $10 each.

The villagers seeing that there were many monkeys around, went out to the* 
forest, and started catching them.

The man bought thousands at $10 and as supply started to diminish, the 
villagers stopped their effort. He further announced that he would now buy 
at $20.

This renewed the efforts of the villagers and they started catching 
monkeys again.

Soon the supply diminished even further and people started going back to
their farms.

The offer increased to $25 each and the supply of monkeys became so little 
that it was an effort to even see a monkey, let alone catch it!*

The man now announced that he would buy monkeys at $50!

However, since he had to go to the city on some business, his assistant would now buy on his behalf.

In the absence of the man, the assistant told the villagers. 'Look at all 
these monkeys in the big cage that the man has collected. I will sell them 
to you at $35 and when the man returns from the city, you can sell them to 
him for $50 each.'

The villagers rounded up all their savings and bought all the 
monkeys.

Then they never saw the man nor his assistant ever again, only monkeys
everywhere!

Now you have a better understanding of how the stock market works.
***


----------



## winwintoo

A woman is in a grocery store and happens upon a grandpa and his poorly-behaving 3 year-old grandson. At every turn, it's obvious gramps has his hands full with the kid screaming for candy in the candy aisle, cookies in the cookie aisle; same for fruit, cereal & soda. Meanwhile gramps is working his way around saying in a controlled voice, "Easy Albert, we won't be long, easy boy"

Another outburst and she hears gramps calmly say, "It's OK Albert, just a couple more minutes and we'll be outta here, hang in there.

At the checkout, the little terror is throwing items from the cart and gramps again in a controlled voice is saying, "Albert, Albert, relax buddy, don't get upset -- we'll be home in five minutes; stay cool, Albert".

Very impressed the woman goes up to gramps as he's loading the kid and the groceries into the car and says, "You know sir, it's none of my business, but you were amazing in there. I don't know how you did it. The whole time you kept your composure and no matter how loud and disruptive he got, you just calmly kept saying things would be OK. Albert is very lucky to have you for his grandpa".

"Thanks, lady," said gramps, "but I'm Albert . . . the little b'tard's name is Johnny".


----------



## penguin456

"One thing at a time"

A little old lady goes to the doctor and says, "Doctor I
have this problem with gas, but it really doesn't bother me
too much. My farts never smell and are always silent. As a
matter of fact, I've farted at least 20 times since I've
been here in your office. You didn't know I was farting
because they don't smell and are silent."

The doctor says, "I see, take these pills and come back to
see me next week."

The next week the lady comes back. "Doctor," she says, "I
don't know what the hell you gave me, but now my farts...
although still silent... stink terribly."

The doctor says, "Good!!! Now that we've cleared up your
sinuses, let's work on your hearing."


----------



## Niteshooter

An Italian grandmother named Lena is giving directions to her grown 
grandson who is coming to visit with his wife.
You comma to de front door of the apartmenta. I am inna apartmenta 301 .
There issa bigga panel at the front door. With you elbow, pusha button 301.
I will buzza you in. Come inside, the elevator is on the right. Get in, and
with you elbow, pusha 3.
When you get out, I'mma on the left. With you elbow, hit my doorbell.'
Grandma, that sounds easy, but, why am I hitting all these buttons with my elbow?
'What*???? . . . . .. .. You coming empty handed?'


----------



## Niteshooter

A bloke walks into a Glasgow library and says to the prim librarian, 
*
'Excuse me Miss, dey ye hiv ony books on suicide?'
*
To which she stops doing her tasks, looks at him over the top of her glasses* and says, 'Fook off, ye'll no bring it back!'


----------



## Niteshooter

*Investment tips for 2008*

With all the turmoil in the market today and the collapse of Lehman Bros and Acquisition of Merrill Lynch by Bank of America this might be some good advice.* For all of you with any money left, be aware of the next expected mergers so that you can get in on the ground floor and make some BIG bucks. 

Watch for these consolidations later this year: 

1.) Hale Business Systems, Mary Kay Cosmetics, Fuller Brush, and W R. Grace Co. Will merge and become: 
Hale, Mary, Fuller, Grace. 

2.) Polygram Records, Warner Bros., and Zesta Crackers join forces and become: 
Poly, Warner Cracker. 

3.) 3M will merge with Goodyear and become: 
MMMGood. 

4. Zippo Manufacturing, Audi Motors, Dofasco, and Dakota Mining will merge and become: 
ZipAudiDoDa . 

5. FedEx is expected to join its competitor, UPS, and become: 
FedUP. 

6. Fairchild Electronics and Honeywell Computers will become: 
Fairwell Honeychild. 

7. Grey Poupon and Docker Pants are expected to become: 
PouponPants. 

8. Knotts Berry Farm and the National Organization of Women will become: 
Knott NOW! 

And finally... 

9. Victoria 's Secret and Smith &Wesson will merge under the new name: 
TittyTittyBangBang


----------



## The Doug

Did you hear about the urologist who had to quit his job?

Yup, he got in trouble with his peers.


----------



## rgray

*A lady walks into Tiffany's*

A lady walks into Tiffany's. She browses around, spots a beautiful diamond bracelet and walks over to inspect it.

As she bends over to look more closely, she inadvertently breaks wind.

Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone has noticed her little accident, and prays that none of the sales staff noticed.

As she turns around, her worst nightmare is realised, in the form of a salesman, standing right behind her. Cool as a cucumber and displaying complete professionalism, the salesman greets the lady with, 'Good day, Madam. How may I be of assistance?'

Very uncomfortably, but hoping that the salesman may just not have been there at the time of her little 'accident', she asks, 'How much is this lovely bracelet?'

He answers, 'Madam, if you farted just looking at it, you're going to sh!t yourself when I tell you the price.'


----------



## The Doug

A cannibal was walking through the jungle and came up on a restaurant owned by a fellow cannibal. Feeling somewhat hungry, he sat down and looked over the menu:

_Broiled Missionary: $20.00
Fried Explorer: $30.00
Baked Politician: $100.00
_
The cannibal called the cook over and asked, "Why such a price difference for the politician?"

The cook replied, "Have you ever tried to clean one of them?"


----------



## FeXL

An elderly man and woman, both in their 70's, walk into a sex therapist's office.

The doctor asks, 'What can I do for you?'

The man says, 'Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?'

The doctor raises both eyebrows, but he is so amazed that such an elderly couple is asking for sexual advice, that he agrees.

When the couple finishes, the doctor says, 'There's absolutely nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse.' He thanks them for coming, wishes them good luck, charges them $50, and says good bye.

A week later the couple returns and asks the sex therapist to watch again. The sex therapist is a bit puzzled, but agrees.

This happens several weeks in a row. The couple makes an appointment, has intercourse with no problems, pays the doctor, then leave.

Finally, after 3 months of this routine, the doctor says, 'I'm sorry, but I have to ask. Just what are you trying to find out?'

The man says, 'We're not trying to find out anything. She's married and we can't go to her house. I'm married and we can't go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $98. The Hilton charges $139. We do it here for $50, and I get $43 back from Medicare.'


----------



## SINC

It was a sunny Friday morning on the first hole of a busy course and I was beginning my pre-shot routine, visualising my upcoming shot, when a piercing voice came over the clubhouse loudspeaker.

'Would the gentleman on the women's tee back up to the men's tee please?'*

I could feel every eye on the course looking at me. 

I was still deep*in my routine, seemingly impervious to the*interruption.**
**
Again the announcement, 'Would that MAN on the WOMEN'S tee*kindly back up to the MEN'S tee?*'*

I simply ignored the announcement and kept concentrating, when once*more, the man yelled:

'Would the MAN on the WOMEN'S tee back up to the MEN'S tee, PLEASE!'

Finally, I stopped, turned and looked through the clubhouse window directly at the person with the mike.

I cupped my hands and shouted back, 'Would the SOB in the clubhouse kindly shut the hell up and let me play my second shot?'


----------



## Dr.G.

Good one, Sinc. Fore!!!!!!!!!!


----------



## MissGulch

Be logical, Captain McCain


----------



## Dr.G.

Beam me down on Jan.21th, 2009, Scotty. There is finally some intelligent lifeforms down on Earth.


----------



## SINC

A tourist approached a local person in a village he was visiting and asked 'What's the quickest way to the lake?'

The local scratched his head, 'Are ya walkin 'r drivin?' he asked the stranger.

'I'm driving' said the stranger.

The villager said 'Yep, that's the quickest way'


----------



## MissGulch

The Week in Political Cartoons


----------



## Dr.G.

Good one, Ms. G.


----------



## rgray

*Marijuana Filled Firewood*

'Hello, is this the Police Office?'




'Yes. What can I do for you?'




'I'm calling to report 'bout my neighbor Jack Murphy...He's hidin' marijuana inside his firewood! Don't quite know how he gets it inside them logs, but he's hidin' it there..'




'Thank you very much for the call, sir.'




The next day, twelve St Johns Police Officers descend on Jack's house.




They Search the shed where the firewood is kept.




Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana.




They sneer at Jack and leave.




Shortly, the phone rings at Jack's house.




'Hey, Jack! This here's Floyd....Did the Police come?'




'Yeah!'




'Did they chop your firewood?'




'Yep!'




'Happy Birthday, buddy!'




(Dem Newfies sure knows how t' get'er done)


----------



## SINC

An Italian, a Scotsman and a Chinese man, are hired at a Construction site. The foreman points out a huge pile of sand.

He says to the Italian guy, "You're in charge of sweeping."
To the Scotsman he says, "You're in charge of shoveling."
And to the Chinese guy, "You're in charge of supplies."

He then says, "Now, I have to leave for a little while. "I expect you men to make a dent in that pile of sand."

So when the foreman returns after being away for a couple of hours the pile of sand is untouched.

He asks the Italian, "Why didn't you sweep any of it?" The Italian replies, "I no hava no broom. You saida to the Chinesea fella that he a wasa ina charge of supplies, but he hasa disappeared and I no coulda finda him nowhere."

Then the foreman turns to the Scotsman and says "And you, I thought I told you to shovel this pile." The Scotsman replies, "Aye, that ye did laddie, boot ah could nae get meself a shoovel. Ye left th' Chinese gadgie in chairge of supplies, boot ah couldna fin' him neither."

The foreman is really angry now. He storms off toward the pile of sand to look for the Chinese gent.

Just then, the Chinese man leaps out from behind the pile of sand and yells, *"SUPPLIES!"*


----------



## Dr.G.

Let's see, the last two postings have made fun of Newfoundlanders and Labradorians, the Italians, the Scottish and the Chinese. Who is next, stupid people from New York City??? 

Speaking of stupid people from New York City, I read in the NY Times of a hunting party of men from NYC. They were all decked out in their finest hunting gear, with precision rifles and shotguns. 

The problem was that they encircled a buck in upstate New York ......... and started shooting. Of the 8 men, 5 were injured by shots fired by someone on the other side of the circle.

There is also the true hunting story of a cow in Stone Ridge, NY, that had a big C O W painted in orange on its side since hunters from New York City were always shooting at it thinking it was a moose.


----------



## SINC

A naive newly wed is watching the news with her husband when the newscaster says "Six Brazilian men died today in a skydiving accident." 

She starts crying and says to her husband, sobbing "That's horrible."

Confused, he says, "Yes dear, it is sad, but they were skydiving, and there is that risk involved."

After a few minutes, his wife, still sobbing, says, "How many is a Brazilian anyway?"


----------



## MazterCBlazter

.


----------



## SINC

The teacher asked little Johnny if he knows his numbers.

"Yes," he said. "I do. My father taught me." "Good. What comes after three." "Four," answers the boy.

"What comes after six?" "Seven."

"Very good," says the teacher. "Your dad did a good job. What comes after ten?"

"A Jack."


----------



## SINC




----------



## Lichen Software

*For Dr. G.*

A Newfoundlander Running in the Rain


A woman was having a daytime affair while her husband was at work. One *rainy day she was in bed with her boyfriend when, to her horror, she heard her husband's car pull into the driveway. 'Oh my God - Hurry! Grab your clothes and jump out the window. My husband's home early!'

'I can't jump out the window. It's raining out there!'

'If my husband catches us in here, he'll kill us both!' she replied. *He's got a hot temper and a gun, so the rain is the least of your problems!'

So the boyfriend scoots out of bed, grabs his clothes and jumps out the window! As he ran down the street in the pouring rain, he quickly discovered he had run right into the middle of the St John's Labour Day marathon, so he started running along beside the others, about 5000 of them.

Being naked, with his clothes tucked under his arm, he tried to blend in as best he could. After a little while a small group of runners who had been watching him with some curiosity, jogged closer.

'Do you always run in the nude?' one asked.

'Oh yes by'e!' he replied, gasping in air. 'It feels so wonderfully free!'

Another runner moved a long side. 'Do you always run carrying your clothes with you under your arm?

'Oh , yes me by'e' our friend answered breathlessly. 'That way I can get dressed right at the end of the run and get in my car to go home! '

Then a third runner cast his eyes a little lower and asked, 'Do you always wear a condom when you run?'

'Lard Tunderin Geez No by'e.........just when it's raining.


----------



## SINC

AT STEPHANE DION'S RETIREMENT DINNER . . .

At a dinner thrown in her husband's honour, a man turned to Madame Dion and said, "Your husband has been such a prominent public figure with such a busy schedule. How quiet will retirement seem in comparison. What are you most looking forward to in these retirement years?"

"A penis," replied Madame Dion.

A hush fell over the table. Everyone heard her answer yet no one knew what to say next.

Stephane leaned over to his wife and said, "In Hinglish dey pronounce dat word, "Appiness".


----------



## Bolor

Prime Minister Stephen Harper was visiting a primary school and he visited one of the classes.

They were in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings.

The teacher asked the PM if he would like to lead the discussion on the word 'tragedy'. So the illustrious leader asked the class for an example of a 'tragedy'.

One little boy stood up and offered: 'If my best friend, who lives on a farm, is playing in the field and a tractor runs over him and kills him, that would be a tragedy.'

'No,' said Harper, 'that would be an accident.'

A little girl raised her hand: 'If a school bus carrying 50 children drove over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a tragedy.'

'I'm afraid not,' explained Harper.
'That's what we would call great loss.'

The room went silent. No other children volunteered.

Harper searched the room.

'Isn't there someone here who can give
me an example of a tragedy?'

Finally at the back of the room, Little JIMMY MURPHY raised his hand...

In a quiet voice he said: 'If the plane carrying you and Mrs. Harper was struck by a 'friendly fire' missile and blown to smithereens, that would be a tragedy.'

'Fantastic!' exclaimed Harper.'That's right.

And can you tell me why that would be tragedy?'

'Well,' says the boy, 'It has to be a tragedy, because it certainly wouldn't be a great loss . . and it probably wouldn't be a f***ing accident either'


----------



## Dr.G.

Bolor, you just earned yourself a name on the CSIS list. Bon chance, mon ami.


----------



## iJohnHenry

CSIS operatives can write??

When did this transpire??


----------



## SINC

Ever since I was a child, I've always had a fear of someone under my bed at night. So I went to a shrink and told him, 'I've got problems. Every time I go to bed I think there's somebody under it. I'm scared. I think I'm going crazy.'

'Just put yourself in my hands for one year,' said the shrink. 'Come talk to me three times a week and we should be able to get rid of those fears.'

'How much do you charge?'

'Eighty dollars per visit,' replied the doctor.

'I'll sleep on it,' I said.

Six months later the doctor met me on the street. 'Why didn't you ever come to see me about those fears you were having?' he asked.

'Well, eighty bucks s visit three times a week for a year is an awful lot of money! A bartender cured me for $10. I was so happy to have saved all that money that I went and bought me a new pickup!' 

'Is that so!’ He said, ‘How, may I ask, did a bartender cure you?'

'He told me to cut the legs off the bed! Ain't nobody under there now!


----------



## markceltic

*Camp Humour*

Four guys were at Moose camp. They had to bunk two to a room. No one wanted to room with Daryl because he snored so badly.They decided it wasn't fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time, so they voted to take turns. The first guy slept with Daryl and comes to breakfast the next morning with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot. The other two said, 'Man, what happened to you?' He said, 'Daryl snored so loudly, I just sat up and watched him all night.'

The next night it was the second guy's turn. In the morning, 
same thing--hair all standing up, eyes all bloodshot. The other two said, 'Man, what happened to you? You look awful!' He said, 'Man, that Daryl shakes the roof. I sat up and watched him all night.'

The third night was Frank's turn. Frank was a big burly lumberjack; a man's man. The next morning he came to breakfast bright eyed and bushy tailed. 'Good morning,' he said. The other two couldn't believe it! He looked rested and wide awake. They asked, 'Man, what happened?' He said, 'Well, we got ready for bed. I went and tucked Daryl into bed, patted his cheek and kissed him good night...Daryl sat up and watched me all night.


----------



## rgray

*Message From, Hrh The Queen*

To the citizens of the United States of America from Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II.

In light of your failure in recent years to nominate competent candidates for President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately.

(You should look up 'revocation' in the Oxford English Dictionary.)

Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except Kansas, which she does not fancy).

Your new Prime Minister, Gordon Brown, will appoint a Governor for America without the need for further elections.

Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.

To aid in the transition to a British Crown dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

-----------------------

1. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'colour,' 'favour,''labour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the suffix '-ize' will be replaced by the suffix '-ise.' Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (look up 'vocabulary').

------------------------

2. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as ''like' and 'you know' is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. There is no such thing as U.S.English.. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take into account the reinstated letter 'u'' and the elimination of '-ize.'

-------------------

3. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.

-----------------

4.You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not quite ready to be independent. Guns should only be used for shooting grouse. If you can't sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist, then you're not ready to shoot grouse..

----------------------

5. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. Although a permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

----------------------

6. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left side with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.

--------------------

7. The former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline) of roughly $10/US gallon. Get used to it.

-------------------

8. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.

-------------------

9. The cold, tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. Australian beer is also acceptable, as they are pound for pound the greatest sporting nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer. They are also part of the British Commonwealth - see what it did for them. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.

---------------------

10. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie Macdowell attempt English dialogue in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.

---------------------

11. You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies)..

---------------------

12. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You will learn cricket, and we will let you face the Australians first to take the sting out of their deliveries.

--------------------

13. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.

-----------------

14. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).

---------------

15. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 p.m. with proper cups, with saucers, and never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; plus strawberries (with cream) when in season.

God Save the Queen!

PS: Only share this with friends who have a good sense of humour (NOT humor)!


----------



## SINC

.


----------



## Dr.G.

"July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday." Now, that's going a bit too far, rgray. "Death before dishonor". Paix, mon ami.


----------



## The Doug

The doctor said to the patient, "I want you to take your clothes off, go to the window, and stick your tongue out."

"What will that do?" asked the patient.

"Not much," replied the doctor, "But I hate my neighbour."


----------



## Dr.G.

That's an old Jewish vaudeville joke, Doug. You might just start a revival. We shall see. Paix, mon ami.


----------



## SINC

Do you know what happened back in 1850?

California became a state. 

The State had no electricity. 

The State had no money. 

Almost everyone spoke Spanish. 

There were gunfights in the streets. 

So basically, it was just like California today; except the women had real breasts and the men didn't hold hands.


----------



## SINC

My grandmother died in the 50s, but her birthday is coming up, and that always causes me to reminisce.

The long walks we used to take to the store in town, the quarters she gave me for meaningless jobs like pulling weeds or washing the sidewalk

Those gems were all good, but the one I remember most, the jewel in the crown of grandmotherly advice, occurred when I was only about 13. 

We were sitting in a park having just finished collecting some 40 pop bottles for the deposit money on a beautiful spring day.

She told me that one day, I would find a wonderful woman and start my own family. 'And always remember this thing,' she said. 'Be sure you marry a woman with small hands.'

'How come, Grandma?' I asked her.

She answered in her soft, sweet voice. 'Makes your dick look bigger.'

Kinda brings a tear to your eye, doesn't it?


----------



## Dr.G.

Sinc, I am shocked. Still, I have to admit that I did chuckle.


----------



## rgray

*And then the fight started...*

My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping the channels. 
She asked, 'What's on TV?' 
I said, 'Dust.' 
And then the fight started... 

------
My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary. She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 200 in about 3 seconds.' 
I bought her a scale. 
And then the fight started... 

------
When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace expensive - so I took her to a gas station... 
And then the fight started.... 

------
My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table. 
My wife asked, 'Do you know her?' 
'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend.. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.' 
'My God!' says my wife, 'who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'
And then the fight started... 

------
After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later. 

The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. 

So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application. 

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office. She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too' 
And then the fight started...

------
My wife is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She is not happy with what she sees and says to me 'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.' 

I replied, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.' 
And then the fight started. 

------
I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first; "I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please." 
He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?" 
"Nah, she can order for herself." 

And then the fight started...


----------



## Dr.G.

I don't dare send these on to my wife, rgray.


----------



## SINC

A man travels to Nanaimo and likes the place so much that he decides to stay. But first he must find a job.

He walks into the a forest firm office and fills out an application as an 'experienced' logger. It's his lucky day. They just happen to be looking for someone. But first, the Foreman takes him for a ride into the bush in the company pickup to see how much he knows. The foreman stops the truck on the side of the road and points at a tree.

'See that tree over there? I want you to tell me what species it is and how many board feet of lumber it contains.'

The man promptly answers, 'That's a Sitka Spruce and has 383 board feet of lumber in it.

The foreman is impressed. He puts the truck in motion and stops again about a mile down the road. He points at another tree through the passenger door window and asks the same question. This time, it's a bigger tree and of a different class.

'That’s a Douglas Fir and it has 690 board feet.' says the man. Now the foreman is really impressed. This guy has answered quickly and got the answers right without even using a calculator!

One more test. They drive a little farther down the road, and the foreman stops again. This time, he points across the road through his driver side window. 'And what about that one?'

Before the foreman finishes pointing, the guy says, 'A Yellow Cedar, 242 board feet at most.'

The foreman spins the truck around and heads back to the office a little pissed off because he thinks that the guy is smarter than he is.

As they near the office, the foreman stops the truck and asks the man to step outside. He hands him a piece of chalk and says, 'See that tree over there? I want you to mark an X on the front of that tree.' The foreman thinks to himself, 'Idiot! How would he know which is the front of a tree?'

When the guy reaches the tree, he goes around it in a circle while looking at the ground. He then reaches up and places a white X on the trunk. He runs back to the foreman and hands him the chalk.

'That’s front of the tree,' he states.

The foreman laughs to himself and asks sarcastically, 'How in the hell do you know that's the front of the tree?'

The guy looks down at his feet, while rubbing the toe of his left boot cleaning it in the gravel and replies, 'Cuz someone took a crap behind it!'

He got the job.


----------



## Dr.G.

Good one, Sinc. Never guessed the ending.


----------



## The Doug

Q: What's the best way to tune a banjo?

A: Use wire cutters.


----------



## Dr.G.

Q: What's the best way to tune a banjo?

A: Use wire cutters.

???????????????


----------



## Macfury

So that the banjo is no longer heard...


----------



## Dr.G.

Oh ........................

I like banjo music, as well as the sound of a well played bagpipe.

YouTube - Deliverance - Banjo Duel

YouTube - Scotland the Brave (Bagpipes)


----------



## eMacMan

Dr.G. said:


> Oh ........................
> 
> ... the sound of a well played bagpipe.



There are those that would say that phrase is an oxymoron.


----------



## Dr.G.

I am not Scottish, but I still well up to the sounds of pipes played well. Someone I knew who played the pipes well let me try to play them once ................... then she took it away after about 45 seconds. She said that it was people like me that gave playing the pipes a bad name.


----------



## SINC

An man walks into a cafe with a shotgun in one hand leading a male buffalo with the other. He says to the waiter, "Gimme a coffee."

The waiter says, "Sure, coming right up." He gets the guy a tall mug of coffee.

The man drinks the coffee down in one gulp, turns and blasts the buffalo with the shotgun, causing parts of animal to splatter everywhere, then just walks out.

The next morning the guy returns. He has his shotgun in one hand leading another male buffalo with the other. He walks up to the counter and says to the waiter, "Gimme a coffee."

The waiter says, "Whoa, sir! We're still cleaning up your mess from yesterday. What was all that about, anyway?"

The guy smiles and proudly says, "I’m training for an upper management position. You know, come in, drink coffee, shoot the bull, leave a mess for others to clean up and disappear for rest of day."


----------



## The Doug

A tough old cowboy counseled his grandson that if he wanted to live a long life, the secret was to sprinkle a pinch of gun powder on his oatmeal every morning.

The grandson did this every day, right up to the day he died at age 103. He left behind 14 children, 30 grandchildren, 45 great-grand-children, 25 great-great-grandchildren, and a 15 foot crater where the crematorium used to be.


----------



## SINC

A pastor, a doctor and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers.

The engineer fumed, "What's with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!"

The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such ineptitude!"

The pastor said, "Hey, here comes the greens keeper. Let's have a word with him."

"Hi George! Say, what's with that group ahead of us... they're rather slow, aren't they?"

The greens keeper replied, "Oh, yes, that's a group of blind firefighters... they lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime."

The group was silent for a moment.

The pastor said," That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight."

The doctor said, "Good idea. And I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there's anything he can do for them."

The engineer said, "Why can't these guys play at night?"


----------



## rgray

*Retired With A Job......*

I've often been asked, 'What do you do now that you're retired?'

I say, 'Well, I don't have much of a chemical background but one of
the things I enjoy the most is turning beer into urine!'


----------



## Lawrence

The Silent Fart 

An elderly couple was attending church services...

About halfway through, she leaned over and whispered to her husband,

"I just let out a long silent fart. What do you think I should do?"

He replied, "Put a new battery in your hearing aid."


----------



## gwillikers

*Why parents should always check their children's homework before they hand it in...*









After it was graded and the child brought it home, she returned to school the next day with the following note:

_ Dear Ms. Davis,
I want to be very clear on my child's illustration. It is NOT of me on a dance pole on a stage in a strip joint. I work at Home Depot and had commented to my daughter how much money we made in the recent snowstorm. This photo is of me selling a shovel.
Mrs. Harrington_


----------



## Dr.G.

This is a good one, gw, especially with the explanation.


----------



## SINC

A professor of chemistry wanted to teach his 5th grade class a lesson about the evils of liquor, so he produced an experiment that involved a glass of water, a glass of whiskey and two worms.

"Now, class. Observe closely the worms," said the professor putting a worm first into the water. The worm in the water writhed about, happy as a worm in water could be.

The second worm, he put into the whiskey. It writhed painfully, and quickly sank to the bottom, dead as a doornail.

"Now, what lesson can we derive from this experiment?" the professor asked.

A kid in the back, raised his hand and wisely, responded, "Drink whiskey and you won't get worms."


----------



## Dr.G.

"Out of the mouths of babes." Good one, Sinc.


----------



## SINC

Many believed this day would never come, but earlier this week, an African American man moved from his private residence into a much larger and infinitely more expensive one owned not by him but by the taxpayers. A vast lawn, a perimeter fence and many well trained security specialists will insulate him from the rest of us but the mere fact that this man will be residing in this house should make us all stop and count our blessings - because it proves that we live in a nation where anything is possible.

Today, I thank the Lord above that wrongs are righted, justice matters and where truly anything is possible.

Who is this man, you ask? See below . . .


----------



## Dr.G.

That one was unexpected, Sinc ............... unexpected but true.


----------



## The Doug

Q: How many Toronto Maple Leafs does it take to win a Stanley Cup?

A: We will never know.


----------



## Dr.G.

That must have hurt a great many Leafs fans, Doug. It's true ......... but still hurtful.


----------



## eMacMan

The Doug said:


> Q: How many Toronto Maple Leafs does it take to win a Stanley Cup?
> 
> A: We will never know.


Goes well with the question:

Name a Canadian city where hockey is no longer played?

You could always substitute TO for Edmonton


----------



## SINC

Two Little Old Ladies

Two little old ladies were sitting on a park bench outside the local town hall where a flower show was in progress.

The thin one leaned over and said, 'Life is so boring. We never have any fun anymore. For $10 I'd take my clothes off and streak through that stupid flower show!' 

'You're on!' said the other old lady, holding up a $10 bill.

The first little old lady slowly fumbled her way out of her clothes and, completely naked, streaked (as fast as an old lady can) through the front door of the flower show.

Waiting outside, her friend soon heard a huge commotion inside the hall, followed by loud applause and shrill whistling. 

The smiling and naked old lady came through the exit door surrounded by a cheering crowd.

'What happened?' asked her waiting friend.

'I won first prize for Best Dried Arrangement.’


----------



## SINC

You are on the bus when you suddenly realize . . . you need to fart.

The music is really loud, so you time your farts with the beat. After a couple of songs, you start to feel better as you approach your stop.

As you are leaving the bus, people are really staring you down.

And that's when you realize, you have been listening to your iPod.


----------



## SINC

.


----------



## SINC

A man checked into a motel on a business trip and was a bit lonely so he thought he'd get one of those girls you see advertised in the phone books under 'Escorts and Massages'.

He opened the phone book to an ad for a girl called Erotica, a lovely girl, bending over in the photo. She had all the right curves in all the right places, beautiful long wavy hair; long graceful legs all the way up. You know the kind... So he is in his room and figures, what the hell, he gives her a call.

'Hello?' the woman says. God she sounded sexy!

'Hi, I hear you give a great massage and I'd like you to come to my room and give me one. No, wait, I should be straight with you. I'm in town all alone and what I really want is sex. 

I want it hard, I want it hot, and I want it now. I'm talking kinky the whole night long. You name it, we'll do it. Bring implements, toys, everything you've got in your bag of tricks. We'l go hot and heavy all night; Tie me up, cover me in chocolate syrup and whipped cream, anything you want baby. Now, how does that sound?'

She said, 'That sounds fantastic but for an outside line you need to dial 9'.


----------



## SINC

Two Scots, Archie and Jock, are sitting in the pub discussing Jock's forthcoming wedding.

'Och, it's all going to be grand", says Jock. "I've everything organised already, the flowers,

the church, the cards, the reception, the rings, the minister, even ma stag night".

Archie nods approvingly.

"Havens, I've even bought a kilt to be married in" continued Jock.

"A kilt?" exclaims Archie, "That's braw, you'll look pure deed smart in that!"

"And what's the tartan?" Archie then enquires.

"Och," says Jock, "I'd imagine she'll be in white....."


----------



## SINC

A man is driving down a street and sees a sign in front of a restaurant that reads:

*HAPPY HOUR SPECIAL*

*Lobster Tail and Beer*

“Oh boy”, he says to himself, “My three favourite things!”


----------



## gwillikers

SINC said:


> A man is driving down a street and sees a sign in front of a restaurant that reads:
> 
> *HAPPY HOUR SPECIAL*
> 
> *Lobster Tail and Beer*
> 
> “Oh boy”, he says to himself, “My three favourite things!”


:lmao: :lmao: :lmao:


----------



## The Doug

Tee hee.


----------



## The Doug

A man walked into a bar and yelled, "Bartender, give me twenty shots of your best single malt scotch!" 

The bartender poured the shots and the man drinks them down one at a time, as fast as he can. 

The bartender said, "Wow, I never saw anyone drink that fast!"

The man replied, "Well, you'd drink fast if you had what I have."

"Oh my god, what do you have," asked the bartender.

The man answered, "Fifty cents!"


----------



## GratuitousApplesauce

*The World's Funniest Joke*





+
YouTube Video









ERROR: If you can see this, then YouTube is down or you don't have Flash installed.


----------



## SINC

A coupleI were in the car heading home from a weekend trip out of town. 

They needed gasoline, so they stopped at a gas station just off the highway and maneuvered up to a pump. On this particular pump there was a hand written sign placed there by management that read, "This pump is very slow." 

Just below this message, some joker had added, "My name is Forest . . . Forest Pump."


----------



## Niteshooter

Two Nuns are riding their bicycles down the back streets of Rome . 

One leans over to the other and says, "I've never come this way before." 

* The other Nun whispers, "It's the cobblestones."


----------



## Dr.G.

Niteshooter, you are going straight to hell for that one ..............


----------



## SINC

"Hey, Mom," asked Johnny "can you give me twenty dollars?"

"Certainly not."

"If you do," he went on, "I'll tell you what dad said to the maid when you were at the beauty shop."

His mother's ears perked up and, grabbing her purse, she handed over the money. "Well? What did he say?"

"He said, 'Hey, Marie, make sure you wash my good shirt tomorrow.' "


----------



## Dr.G.

Sinc, now that was a much cleaner joke .......... pun intended.


----------



## SINC

Once upon a time lived a beautiful Queen with large breasts.

Nick the Dragon Slayer obsessed over the Queen for this reason. He knew that the penalty for his desire would be death should he try to touch them, but he had to try.

One day Nick revealed his secret desire to his colleague, Horatio the Physician, the King's chief doctor. Horatio thought about this and said that he could arrange for Nick to more than satisfy his desire, but it would cost him 1000 gold coins to arrange it.

Without pause Nick readily agreed to the scheme.

The next day, Horatio made a batch of itching powder and poured a little bit into the Queen's bra while she bathed. Soon after she dressed, the itching commenced and grew intense.

Upon being summoned to the Royal Chambers to address this incident, Horatio informed the King and Queen that only a special saliva, if applied for four hours, would cure this type of itch, and that tests had shown that only the saliva of Nick would work as the antidote to cure the itch.

The King, eager to help his Queen, quickly summoned Nick to their chambers. Horatio then slipped Nick the antidote for the itching powder, which he put into his mouth, and for the next four hours, Nick worked passionately on the Queen's large and magnificent breasts.

The Queen's itching was eventually relieved, and Nick left satisfied and hailed as a hero.

Upon returning to his chamber, Nick found Horatio demanding his payment of 1000 gold coins. With his obsession now satisfied, Nick couldn't have cared less knowing that Horatio could never report this matter to the King and with a laugh told him to get lost.

The next day, Horatio slipped a massive dose of the same itching powder into the King's boxers. The King immediately summoned Nick.


----------



## SINC

A 3-year-old boy was examining his testicles while taking a bath. 

"Mommy", he asked, "Are these my brains?"

"Not yet," she replied.


----------



## rgray

*Ponderisms*

I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes. 

Gardening Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.

The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement. 

Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.

There are two kinds of pedestrians: the quick and the dead.

Life is sexually transmitted.

Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die. 

The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.

Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing. 

Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they used to? 

Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.

All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.

In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal. 

How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, 'I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?' 

Who was the first person to say, 'See that chicken there? I'm going to eat the next thing that comes out of its butt.'

Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer? 

If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?

If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests? 

Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup? 

Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride; he sticks his head out the window?


----------



## rgray

*Little Red Riding Hood is skipping down the road........*

Little Red Riding Hood is skipping down the road when she sees a Big bad wolf crouched down behind a log.

'My, what big eyes you have, Mr. Wolf.'

The wolf jumps up and runs away.

Further down the road Little Red Riding Hood sees the wolf again, And this time he is crouched behind a bush.

'My, what big ears you have, Mr. Wolf.'

Again the wolf jumps up and runs away.

About a half mile down the road Little Red Riding Hood sees the Wolf again, and this time he is crouched down behind a rock. 

'My, what big teeth you have, Mr. Wolf.'

With that the wolf jumps up and screams, 'Will you f*ckoff? I'm trying to have a sh!t.'


----------



## chuckster

A professor at MEMORIAL UNIVERSITY OF NEWFOUNDLAND, was giving a lecture on 'Involuntary Muscular Contractions' to his first year medical students. 

Realizing this was not the most riveting subject, the professor decided to lighten the mood slightly. 

He pointed to a young woman in the front row and said, 'Do you know what your *sshole is doing while you're having an orgasm?' 

She replied, 'Probably moose hunting with his buddies.' 

It took 45 minutes to restore order in the classroom


----------



## The Doug

Three men hired a plane to hunt moose but were warned by the pilot, "This is a very small plane, so you can only bring back one moose."

But they ended up with three moose and tried to load their trophies on to the plane. 

The pilot repeated his warning, "I told you, only one moose!"

"That's what you said last year," protested one of the hunters, "but for an extra $150 you then let us take the three moose on the plane. So here, take the money now."

The pilot relented and allowed the three moose on board, but shortly after take-off the plane crashed. 

Extricating himself from the wreckage, one hunter asked shakily, "Where are we?"

One of his companions muttered, "About a hundred yards from where we crashed last year."


----------



## KC4

While walking along the sidewalk in front of his church, a minister heard the
intoning of a prayer that nearly made his collar wilt. Apparently, his 5-year-old
son and his playmates had found a dead robin. Feeling that a proper
burial should be performed, they had secured a small box and cotton batting, then dug a hole and made ready for the disposal of the deceased. 

The minister's son was chosen to say the appropriate prayers and with sonorous dignity, intoned his version of what he thought his father always said: 'Glory be unto the Faaather, and unto the Sonnn, and into the hole he goooes.'


----------



## Niteshooter

THE LIE DETECTOR 

John was a salesman's delight when it came to any kind of unusual gimmicks. *His wife Marsha had long ago given up trying to get him to change. One day John came home with another one of his unusual purchases. It was a robot that John claimed was actually a lie detector. 
It was about 5:30 that afternoon when Tommy, their 11 year old son, returned home from school. Tommy was over 2 hours late. "Where=2 0have you been? Why are you over 2 hours late getting home?" asked John. 
"Several of us went to the library to work on an extra credit project," said Tommy. The robot walked around the table and slapped Tommy, knocking him completely out of his chair. 
"Son," said John, "this robot is a lie detector, now tell us where you really were after school." 
"We went to Bobby's house and watched a movie.." said Tommy. 
"What did you watch?" asked Marsha. 
"The Ten Commandments." answered Tommy. 
The robot went around to Tommy and once again slapped him, knocking him off his chair. With his lip quivering, Tommy got up, sat down and said, "I am sorry I lied. We really watched a tape called Sex Queen." 
"I am ashamed of you son," said John. "When I was your age, I never lied to my parents." 
The robot walked around to John and delivered a whack that nearly knocked him out of his chair. 
Marsha doubled over in laughter, almost in tears and said, "Boy, did you ever ask for that one! You can't be too mad with Tommy. After all, he is your son!" 
The robot walked around to Marsha and knocked her out of her chair.


----------



## Niteshooter

New Orleans Crabs... 


A man boarded an airplane in New Orleans with a box of *frozen crabs and asked a blonde, female crew member to take care of the box for him. She took the box and promised to put it in the crew's refrigerator. 




He pointedly advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for the crabs staying frozen, mentioned that he was a lawyer, and proceeded to rant at her about what would happen if she let them thaw out. 




Needless to say, she was annoyed by his behavior. 




Shortly before landing in New York, she used the intercom to announce to the entire cabin, "Would the gentleman who gave me the crabs in New Orleans, please raise your hand?" 




Not one hand went up...so she took them home and ate them. 




Two lessons here:

1. Men never learn. 
2. Blondes aren't as dumb as most men think.


----------



## Niteshooter

A gynecologist had become fed up with malpractice insurance*and HMO paperwork and was burned*out. 

Hoping to try another career where skillful hands would be beneficial; he*decided to become a mechanic. He went to the local technical college, signed up for evening classes, attended diligently, and learned all* he could. When the time of the practical exam approached, the gynecologist prepared carefully for weeks, and completed the exam with tremendous skill. 

When the results came back, he was surprised to find that he had obtained a score of*150%. Fearing an error, he called the instructor, saying, 'I don't want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I wonder if there is an error in the grade. 

'The instructor said, 'During the exam, you took the engine apart perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total mark. 

You put the engine back together again*perfectly, which is also worth 50% of the mark. 

After a pause, the instructor added, 'I gave you an extra 50% because you did it all through the muffler, which I've never seen done in my entire career!'**


----------



## Niteshooter

Jacob, age 92, and Rebecca, age 89, living in Florida , are all excited
about their decision to get married. They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding,
and on the way they pass a CVS/Pharmacy.. Jacob suggests they go in.

Jacob addresses the man behind the counter:

'Are you the Pharmacist ?'

The pharmacist answers, 'Yes.'

Jacob: 'We're about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?'

Pharmacist: 'Of course we do.'

Jacob: 'How about medicine for circulation?'

*Pharmacist: 'All kinds .'

Jacob: 'Medicine for rheumatism and scoliosis?'

Pharmacist: 'Definitely.'

Jacob: 'How about Viagra?'

Pharmacist: 'Of course.'

Jacob: 'Medicine for memory problems, arthritis, jaundice?'

Pharmacist: 'Yes, a large variety. The works.'

Jacob: 'What about vitamins, sleeping pills, Geritol, antidotes for Parkinson's disease?'

Pharmacist: 'Absolutely.'

Jacob: 'You sell wheelchairs and walkers?'

Pharmacist: 'All speeds and sizes.'




Jacob: 'We'd like to use this store as our Bridal Registry.'


----------



## Niteshooter

**Warning racial content**




A plane leaves Los Angeles airport under the control of a Jewish
captain.

His co-pilot is Chinese. It's the first time they've flown together,
and an awkward silence between the two seems to indicate a mutual dislike.

Once they reach cruising altitude, the Jewish captain activates
the auto-pilot, leans back in his seat, and mutters, 'I don't like
Chinese.'

'No rike Chinese?' asks the co-pilot, '....why not?'

'You people bombed Pearl Harbor , that's why !'

'No, no,' the co-pilot protests, 'Chinese not bomb Peahl Hahbah!
That Japanese, not Chinese.'

'Japanese, Chinese, Vietnamese... doesn't matter, you're all alike!'

There's a few minutes of silence.

'I no rike Jews either!' the copilot suddenly announces.

'Oh yeah, why not?' asks the captain.

'Jews sink Titanic.'

'What? That's insane! Jews didn't sink the Titanic!' exclaims the
captain, 'It was an iceberg!'

'Iceberg, Goldberg, Greenberg, Rosenberg ...no mattah... all
same.'


----------



## The Doug

Did you hear about the new Denny's breakfast?

It's called the Suleman. 

It comes with eight eggs, no sausage, and everyone else in the diner has to pay for it.


----------



## SINC

The Doug said:


> Did you hear about the new Denny's breakfast?
> 
> It's called the Suleman.
> 
> It comes with eight eggs, no sausage, and everyone else in the diner has to pay for it.


ROLFLMAO! :lmao: :clap:


----------



## markceltic

LIQUIDITY

A definition:

Liquidity is when you look at your retirement funds and wet your pants!


----------



## markceltic

A stranger was seated next to a little girl on the airplane when the stranger turned to her and said, 'Let's talk. I've heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger.'

The little girl, who had just opened her book, closed it slowly and said to the stranger, 'What would you like to talk about?'

'Oh, I don't know,' said the stranger. 'How about nuclear power?' and he smiles.

'OK, ' she said. 'That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff - grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?'

The stranger, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence, thinks about it and says, 'Hmmm, I have no idea.'

To which the little girl replies, 'Do you really feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know s**t?


----------



## rgray

*Tom had been in the liquor business.............*

Tom had been in the liquor business for 25 years. Finally sick of the stress he quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in Alaska as far from humanity as possible. He sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month. Otherwise it's total peace and quiet.

After 6 months of almost total isolation, someone knocks on his door. He opens it and sees a huge, bearded man standing there. "Name's Lars, your neighbor from 40 miles up the road. Having a Christmas party Friday night.... Thought you might like to come. About 5:00."

"Great", says Tom, "after six months out here I'm ready to meet some folks. Thank you."

As Lars is leaving, he stops. "Gotta warn you.... There's gonna be some drinkin'."

"Not a problem" says Tom. "After 25 years in the business, I can drink with the best of 'em." 

Again, the big man starts to leave and stops. "More 'n' likely gonna be some fightin' too." 

"Well, I get along with people, I'll be all right. I'll be there. Thanks again."

"More'n likely be some wild sex, too."

"Now that's really not a problem" says Tom, warming to the idea, "I've been all alone for six months! I'll definitely be there. By the way, what should I wear?"

"Whatever you want. Just gonna be the two of us."


----------



## SINC

A woman went to her doctor for advice. 

She told him that her husband had developed a penchant for anal sex, and she was not sure that it was such a good idea. 

'Do you enjoy it?' The doctor asked. 

'Actually, yes, I do.' 'Does it hurt?' he asked. 

'No. I rather like it.' 

'Well, then,' the doctor continued, 'there's no medical reason that you shouldn't practice anal sex, if that's what you like, so long as you take care not to get pregnant.' 

The woman was mystified. 'What? You can get pregnant from anal sex?' 

'Of course,' the doctor replied. 'Where do you think politicians come from?'


----------



## Bjornbro

_Yes, I invented these.  _

1. The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.

2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.

3. She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.

4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class, because it was a weapon of math disruption.

5. The butcher backed into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.

6. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.

7. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.

8. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

9. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

11. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.

12. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

13. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other: 'You stay here; I'll go on a head.'

14. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.

15. Sign at a drug rehab center: 'Keep off the Grass.'

16. A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was, a nurse said 'No change yet.'

17. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

19. The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

20. The man who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

21. A backward poet writes inverse.

22. In a democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your count that votes.

23. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.

24. Don't join dangerous cults: Practice safe sects!​


----------



## Dr.G.

These are great, Bjornbro. Kudos on your creativity.


----------



## Bjornbro

Hey Dr.G. I was being facetious. Those pithy phrases were an amalgam of past emails circulated to my in box. I _wish_ my own bon mots could have the same wry, if not dry, sense of humour. :baby:


----------



## Dr.G.

Oh. And here I was telling one and all here in Newfoundland and Labrador that the King of the Bon Mots has arrived. Guess we can call off the sunrise celebration for your arrival tomorrow morning.


----------



## KC4

*How to tell the gender of a fly.*

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter. 

'What are you doing?'
She asked.

'Hunting Flies'
He responded.

'Oh!... Killing any?'
She asked.

'Yep, 3 males, 2 Females,' he replied. 

Intrigued, she asked,

'How can you tell them apart?'

He responded,

"3 were on a beer can,
2 were on the phone."


----------



## SINC

After being married for many years, I took a careful look at my wife one day and said, 'Honey, many years ago we had a cheap apartment, a cheap car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10-inch black and white TV, but I got to sleep every night with a hot 22-year-old gal.

Now I have a $500,000.00 home, a $45,000.00 car, nice big bed and plasma screen TV, but I'm sleeping with a 63-year-old woman. It seems to me that you're not holding up your side of things.

My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go out and find a hot 22-year-old gal, and she would make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap apartment, driving a cheap car, sleeping on a sofa bed and watching a 10-inch black and white TV.

Older women. They really know how to solve a mid-life crisis.


----------



## markceltic

THE ADULT LEARNING CENTER
Summer Classes for Men

REGISTRATION MUST BE COMPLETED by Friday, August 16 

NOTE: DUE TO THE COMPLEXITY AND DIFFICULTY LEVEL OF THEIR CONTENTS, CLASS SIZES WILL BE LIMITED TO 8 PARTICIPANTS MAXIMUM

Class 1
How To Fill Up The Ice Cube Trays--Step by Step, with Slide Presentation.
Meets 4 weeks, Monday and Wednesday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM.

Class 2
The Toilet Paper Roll--Does It Change Itself?
Round Table Discussion.
Meets 2 weeks, Saturday 12:00 for 2 hours. 

Class 3
Is It Possible To Urinate Using The Technique Of Lifting The Seat and Avoiding The Floor, Walls and Nearby Bathtub?--Group Practice.
Meets 4 weeks, Saturday 10:00 PM for 2 hours. 

Class 4
Fundamental Differences Between The Laundry Hamper and The Floor--Pictures and Explanatory Graphics.
Meets Saturdays at 2:00 PM for 3 weeks. 

Class 5
Dinner Dishes--Can They Levitate and Fly Into The Kitchen Sink?
Examples on Video.
Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM 

Class 6
Loss Of Identity--Losing The Remote To Your Significant Other.
Help Line Support and Support Groups.
Meets 4 Weeks, Friday and Sunday 7:00 PM 

Class 7
Learning How To Find Things--Starting With Looking In The Right Places And Not Turning The House Upside Down While Screaming.
Open Forum
Monday at 8:00 PM, 2 hours. 

Class 8
Health Watch--Bringing Her Flowers Is Not Harmful To Your Health
Graphics and Audio Tapes.
Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours. 

Class 9
Real Men Ask For Directions When Lost--Real Life Testimonials.
Tuesdays at 6:00 PM Location to be determined 

Class 10
Is It Genetically Impossible To Sit Quietly While She Parallel Parks?
Driving Simulations.
4 weeks, Saturday's noon, 2 hours. 

Class 11
Learning to Live--Basic Differences Between Mother and Wife.
Online Classes and role-playing
Tuesdays at 7:00 PM, location to be determined 

Class 12
How to be the Ideal Shopping Companion
Relaxation Exercises, Meditation and Breathing Techniques.
Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM. 

Class 13
How to Fight Cerebral Atrophy--Remembering Birthdays, Anniversaries and Other Important Dates and Calling When You're Going To Be Late.
Cerebral Shock Therapy Sessions and Full Lobotomies Offered.
Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours. 

Class 14
The Stove/Oven--What It Is and How It Is Used.
Live Demonstration.
Tuesdays at 6:00 PM, location to be determined. 

Upon completion of any of the above courses, diplomas will be issued to the survivors.


----------



## Dr.G.

I became confused when I heard these terms with reference to the word "service". 

Revenue Canada 'Service' 
Canadian Postal 'Service' 
Telephone 'Service' 
TV 'Service' 
Civil 'Service' 
Provincial, City, County & Public 'Service' 
Customer 'Service' 

This is not what I thought "service" meant.


But today, I overheard two farmers talking, and one of them said he had hired a bull to "service" a few cows. 

BAM!!! It all came into focus.

Now I understand what some of these "service" agencies are doing to us. 

Now you are as enlightened as I am.


----------



## KC4

Heidi - the remake:

Heidi is the proprietor of a bar in Berlin.

In order to increase sales, she decides to allow her loyal customers – the most of whom are unemployed alcoholics – to drink now, but pay later. She keeps track of the drinks consumed on a ledger (thereby granting the customers loans).

Word gets around and as a result increasing the numbers of customers flooding into Heidi’s bar.

Taking advantage of her customer’s freedom from the immediate payment constraints, Heidi increases her prices for wine and beer, the most consumed beverages. Her sales increase massively.

A young and dynamic customer service consultant at the local bank recognizes these customer debts as valuable future assets and increases Heidi’s borrowing limit.

He sees no reason for undue concern since he has the debts of the alcoholics as collateral.

At the bank’s corporate headquarters, expert bankers transform these customer assets into DRINKBONDS, ALKBONDS and PUKEBONDS. These securities are then traded on markets worldwide. No one really understands what these abbreviations mean and how the securities are guaranteed. Nevertheless, as their prices continually climb, the securities become top-seller items.

One day, although the prices are still climbing, a risk manager in the bank (subsequently fired due to his negativity) decides that the time has come to demand payment of the debts incurred by the drinkers at Heidi’s bar.

However, they cannot pay the debts.

Heidi cannot fulfill her loan obligations and claims bankruptcy.

DRINKBOND and ALKBOND drop in price by 95%. PUKE- BOND performs better, stabilizing in price after dropping by 80%

The suppliers of Heidi’s bar, having granted her generous payment due dates and having invested in the securities are faced with a new situation. Her wine supplier claims bankruptcy, her beer supplier is taken over by a competitor. 

The bank is saved by the government following dramatic round-the-clock consultations by leaders from the governing political parties. 

The funds required for this purpose are obtained by a tax levied by the Government on the non-drinkers.

The bank thus saved, and off the hook with free taxpayers money, rewards its senior managers with handsome bonuses for their innovation.

The end.


----------



## rgray

*The Applicant*

A man is seeking to join the Police force.

The Sergeant doing the interview said, "Your qualifications all look good, but there is an attitude suitability test that you must take before you can be accepted."

Then, sliding a pistol across the desk, he said, "Take this pistol and go out and shoot six illegal immigrants, six drug dealers, six terrorists, and a rabbit. "

"Why the rabbit?"

"Great attitude," says the Sergeant, "When can you start?"


----------



## KC4

*One for the Teachers among our members*

Jeff Foxworthy on Teachers:

YOU might be a teacher if you believe the playground should be equipped
with a Ritalin salt lick.

YOU might be a teacher if you want to slap the next person who says,
'Must be nice to work 8 to 3:30 and have summers off.

YOU might be a teacher if it is difficult to name your newborn because
there's no name you can come up with that doesn't bring high
blood pressure as it is uttered.

YOU might be a teacher if you can tell it's a full moon or if it going
to rain, snow, hail....anything!!! Without ever looking outside.

YOU might be a teacher if you believe, 'shallow gene pool' should
have its own box on a report card.

YOU might be a teacher if you believe that unspeakable evils will befall
you if anyone says, 'Boy, the kids sure are mellow today.'

YOU might be a teacher if when out in public, you feel the urge to snap
your fingers at children you do not know and correct their behavior.

YOU might be a teacher if you have no social life between August and June.

YOU might be a teacher if you think people should have a government permit
before being allowed to reproduce.

YOU might be a teacher if you wonder how some parents MANAGED to reproduce.

YOU might be a teacher if you laugh uncontrollably when people refer to
the staff room as the 'lounge.'

YOU might be a teacher if you encourage an obnoxious parent to check into
charter schools or home schooling and are willing to donate the UHAUL boxes
should they decided to move out of district.

YOU might be a teacher if you think caffeine should be available in intravenous form.

YOU might be a teacher if you can't imagine how the ACLU could think
that covering your student's chair with Velcro and then requiring uniforms
made out of the corresponding Velcro could ever be misunderstood by the public.

YOU might be a teacher if meeting a child's parent instantly answers
this question, 'Why is this kid like this?'

YOU might be a teacher if you would choose a colonoscopy over a parent
conference.

YOU might be a teacher if you think someone should invent antibacterial
pencils and crayons....and desks and chairs for that matter!

YOU might be a teacher if the words 'I have college debt for
this?' have ever come out of your mouth.

YOU might be a teacher if you know how many days, minutes, and seconds are
left in the school year!


----------



## rgray

HOW TO CALL THE POLICE WHEN YOU'RE OLD AND DON'T MOVE FAST ANYMORE.


George Phillips, an elderly man, from Vancouver, B.C., was going up to bed, when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window. George opened the back door to go turn off the light, but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things. 


He phoned the police, who asked "Is someone in your house?" He said "No," but some people are breaking into my garden shed and stealing from me. Then the police dispatcher said "All patrols are busy. You should lock your doors and an officer will be along when one is available."


George said, "Okay." He hung up the phone and counted to 30. Then he phoned the police again.



"Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people stealing things from my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now because I just shot them." and he hung up.

Within five minutes, six Police Cars, a SWAT Team, a Helicopter, two Fire Trucks, a Paramedic, and an Ambulance showed up at the Phillips' residence, and caught the burglars red-handed. One of the Policemen said to George, "I thought you said that you'd shot them!"

George said, "I thought you said there was nobody available!"

I LOVE IT! Don't mess with old people.


----------



## Dr.G.

Grey Power Lives!!!!!!!! Power to the People!!!!!!!


----------



## SINC

The Italian Lover, a virile middle aged Italian gentlemen named Guido was relaxing at his favorite bar in Rome , when he managed to attract a spectacular young blond woman. Things progressed to the point where he led her back to his apartment and, after some small talk, they retired to his bedroom where he rattled her senseless. After a pleasant interlude, he asked with a smile, 'So, you finish?' 

She paused for a second, frowned, and replied, 'No.' 

Surprised, Guido reached for her and the rattling resumed. This time she thrashed about wildly and there were screams of passion. It finally ended and, again, Guido smiled and asked, 'You finish?' 

Again, after a short pause, she returned his smile, cuddled closer to him and softly said, 'No.' 

Stunned, but damned if he was going to leave this woman unsatisfied, Guido reached for the woman yet again. Using the last of his strength, he barely managed it, but they ended together screaming, bucking, clawing and ripping the bed sheets. 

Exhausted, Guido fell onto his back, gasping. Barely able to turn his head, he looked into her eyes, smiled proudly and asked again, You finish?' 

Barely able to speak, the beautiful blond whispered in his ear, 'No, I Norwegian'


----------



## KC4

>


----------



## Dr.G.

enjoy .......


----------



## The Doug

A pirate walked into a bar with a paper towel on his head. 

The bartender asked, "What's with the paper towel?"

"Arrr! I've got a Bounty on me head", the pirate replied.


----------



## Dr.G.

Good one, Doug. "It's the quicker pickeruppper".


----------



## KC4

Dr.G. said:


> Good one, Doug. "It's the quicker pickeruppper".


Which might come in handy at a bar!


----------



## johnb1

*speakin' of pirates*

A pirate walked into a bar and the bartender asked him "Say, did you know you have a steering wheel shoved down your pants"

the pirate said "Yes and it's driving me nuts"


----------



## markceltic

Anyone care for tune? http://www.elwp.com/Joe Cocker.html


----------



## SINC

markceltic said:


> Anyone care for tune? http://www.elwp.com/Joe Cocker.html


That's hilarious markceltic. I've not seen that version before. :clap:


----------



## The Doug

A man went to see a psychiatrist, who quickly diagnosed him as a kleptomaniac.

"Really?" The guy said. 

"Is there anything I can take for it?"


----------



## The Doug

The following was developed as a mental age assessment by the School of Psychiatry at Harvard University . Take your time and see if you can read each line aloud without a mistake. The average person over 40 years of age cannot do it!


1. This is this cat.

2. This is is cat.

3. This is how cat.

4. This is to cat.

5. This is keep cat.

6. This is an cat.

7. This is old cat.

8. This is fart cat.

9. This is busy cat.

10. This is for cat.

11. This is forty cat.

12. This is seconds cat.


Now go back and read the third word in each line from the top down.


----------



## Bjornbro

A guy walks into a bar in Alabama and orders a white wine. All the hillbillies sitting around the bar look up, expecting to see some pitiful Yankee from the north.

The bartender says, "You ain't from around here, are ya?

The guy says, "No, I'm from Canada."

The bartender says, "What do you do in Canada?"

The guy says, "I'm a taxidermist."

The bartender says, "A taxidermist? What in tarnation is a taxidermist? Do you drive a taxi?"

"No, a taxidermist doesn't drive a taxi. I mount animals."

The bartender grins and hollers, "It's okay boys. He's one of us."


----------



## KC4

A WOMAN'S WEEK AT THE GYM 

Dear Diary, 

For my birthday this year, my daughter (the dear) purchased a week of personal training at the local health club for me. 

Although I am still in great shape since being a high school football cheerleader 43 years ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try. 

I called the club and made my reservations with a personal trainer named Belinda, who identified herself as a 26-year-old aerobics instructor and model for athletic clothing and swim wear. 

My daughter seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress. 

________________________________ 
MONDAY: 
Started my day at 6:00 a.m. Tough to get out of bed, but found it was well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda waiting for me. She is something of a Greek goddess - with blond hair, dancing eyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!! 

Belinda gave me a tour and showed me the machines. I enjoyed watching the skillful way in which she conducted her aerobics class after my workout today. Very inspiring! 

Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit- ups, although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time she was around. This is going to be a FANTASTIC week! 

________________________________ 
TUESDAY: 
I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door. Belinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air then she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made the full mile. Belinda's rewarding smile made it all worthwhile. I feel GREAT! It's a whole new life for me. 

_______________________________ 
WEDNESDAY: 
The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to steer or stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot. 

Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered other club members. Her voice is a little too perky for that early in the morning and when she scolds, she gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying. 

My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Belinda put me on the stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Belinda told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life. She said some other **** too. 

______________________________ 
THURSDAY: 
Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as her thin, cruel lips were pulled ba ck in a full snarl. I couldn't help being a half an hour late - it took me that long to tie my shoes. 

Belinda took me to work out with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I ran and hid in the restroom. She sent another skinny bitch to find me. 

Then, as punishment, she put me on the rowing machine -- which I sank. 
_______________________________ 
FRIDAY: 
I hate that bitch Belinda more than any human being has ever hated any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny, anemic, anorexic little cheerleader. If there was a part of my body I could move without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it. 

Belinda wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps! And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me the damn barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich. 

The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach or the choir director? 

________________________________ 
SATURDAY: 
Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating, shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her voice made me want to smash the machine with my planner; however, I lacked the strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight hours of the Weather Channel. 

________________________________ 
SUNDAY: 
I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year my daughter (the little sh*t) will choose a gift for me that is fun -- like a root canal or a hysterectomy. I still say if God had wanted me to bend over, he would have sprinkled the floor with chocolate!!


----------



## SINC

*Easter In Canada*

Three people died and found themselves at Heaven's gate standing before St.Peter. He told them that before they could enter the Kingdom, they had to explain to him what Easter represented.

The first person, an American, said "Easter is a holiday where they have a big feast and we give thanks and eat turkey."

St. Peter said, "Noooooo!" and he banished him to Hell.

The second person, a Brit, said "Easter is when we celebrate Jesus' birth and exchange gifts."

St. Peter said, "Noooooo!" and he banished him to Hell.

The third person, a Canadian woman, said she knew what Easter was, and St. Peter said, "So, tell me."

She said, "Easter is a Christian celebration that coincides with the Jewish festival of Passover. Jesus was having a Passover feast with His disciples when He was betrayed by Judas, and the Romans arrested Him. The Romans hung Him on the cross and eventually He died. Then they buried Him in a tomb behind a very large boulder."

St. Peter said, "Verrrrrry good!"

Then she continued, "Now, every year the Jews roll away the boulder and Jesus comes out. If he sees his shadow, we have six more weeks of hockey."


----------



## ScanMan

Dustin tells a joke.

Video: Dustin Hoffman - The Flea Takes A Holiday - Dustin Hoffman


----------



## rgray

*World's Shortest Fairy Tale*

Once upon a time, a guy asked a girl 'Will you marry me?'

The girl said, 'NO!'

And the guy lived happily ever after .... rode motorcycles, went fishing, hunting, played golf a lot, drank beer & scotch, left the toilet seat up & farted whenever he wanted.




THE END


----------



## SINC

A doctor on his morning walk, noticed a very old lady sitting on her front step smoking a cigar, so he walked up to her and said, "I couldn't help but notice how happy you look! What is your secret?" 

"I smoke ten cigars a day," she said. "Before I go to bed, I smoke a nice big joint. Apart from that, I drink a whole bottle of Jack Daniels every week, and eat only junk food. On weekends, I pop pills, get laid, and don't exercise at all."

"That is absolutely amazing! How old are you?"

"Thirty-four," she replied.


----------



## markceltic

The Washington Post's Mensa Invitational once again asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting or changing one letter, and supply a new definition. Here are this year's winners. Read them carefully. Each is an artificial word with only one letter altered from a real word. Some are terrifically innovative: 

1. Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with. 

2. Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly. 

3. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people, that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The Bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future. 

4. C ashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period of time. 

5. Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high. 

6. Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it. 

7. Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late. 

8. Hipatitis: Terminal coolness. 

9. Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.) 

10. Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer. 

11. Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you. 

12. Glibido: All talk and no action. 

13. Dopeler Effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly. 

14. Arachnoleptic Fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web. 

15. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out. 

16. Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a worm in the fruit you're eating. 

And, the pick of the lot... 

17. Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an asshole.


----------



## sharonmac09

> 17. Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an asshole.


How about this.

Ignoranus: Sean Avery of the NY Rangers?  :yikes:


----------



## Dr.G.

"Ignoranus: Sean Avery of the NY Rangers?" Sad, but all too true. Still, I hope that the NY Rangers win the Stanley Cup. We shall see.


----------



## rgray

*The Journey Of Man*

The Journey Of Man 

When I was 14, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend. 

When I was 16 I got a girlfriend, but there was no passion, so I decided I needed a passionate girl with a zest for life. 

In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency; she was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened suicide. So I decided I needed a girl with stability. 

When I was 25 I found a very stable girl but she was boring. She was totally predictable and never got excited about anything. Life became so dull that I decided that I needed a girl with some excitement. 

When I was 28 I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with her. She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She did mad impetuous things and made me miserable as often as happy. She was great fun initially and very energetic, but directionless. So I decided to find a girl with some real ambition. 

When I turned 30, I found a smart ambitious girl with her feet planted firmly on the ground, so I married her. She was so ambitious that she divorced me and took everything I owned. 

I am older and wiser now, and am looking for a girl with big tits.


----------



## KC4

An elderly couple were attending a church service.
About half way through, she leans over and says to her husband,

"I just let out a huge silent fart, what do you think I should do?"

He replies, "Put a new battery in your hearing aid."


----------



## SINC

A truck driver was pulled over by the highway patrol. The patrolman told him to get out of the truck, and noticed that the driver appeared to be putting something in his mouth as he stepped out of the cab. 

Figuring that the driver was putting away his pep pills, the patrolman asked "Did I just see you swallow something?"

"Yep, that was my birth control pill," said the driver.

"Birth control pill?" asked the patrolman.

"Yep, when I saw your light, I knew I was screwed."


----------



## sharonmac09

View attachment 8712


----------



## sharonmac09

View attachment 8713


----------



## FeXL

sharonmac09 said:


> View attachment 8713


bahahahaha!


----------



## GratuitousApplesauce

*Libertarian Reluctantly Calls Fire Department*
APRIL 21, 2004 | ISSUE 40•16

CHEYENNE, WY—After attempting to contain a living-room blaze started by a cigarette, card-carrying Libertarian Trent Jacobs reluctantly called the Cheyenne Fire Department Monday. "Although the community would do better to rely on an efficient, free-market fire-fighting service, the fact is that expensive, unnecessary public fire departments do exist," Jacobs said. "Also, my house was burning down." Jacobs did not offer to pay firefighters for their service.

(from The Onion)


----------



## eMacMan

GratuitousApplesauce said:


> *Libertarian Reluctantly Calls Fire Department*
> APRIL 21, 2004 | ISSUE 40•16
> 
> CHEYENNE, WY—After attempting to contain a living-room blaze started by a cigarette, card-carrying Libertarian Trent Jacobs reluctantly called the Cheyenne Fire Department Monday. "Although the community would do better to rely on an efficient, free-market fire-fighting service, the fact is that expensive, unnecessary public fire departments do exist," Jacobs said. "Also, my house was burning down." Jacobs did not offer to pay firefighters for their service.
> 
> (from The Onion)


LOL wonder if he realizes that a free market FFS would have made him fill out liability releases and prove he could and would pay for their services, before they ran a single hose.beejacon


----------



## markceltic

Homeland Security

Just wanted to let you know that the New Homeland Security Bill has passed. Things will be different now and Internet surfing, as you know it, will be tracked by what the FBI calls a 'non-intrusive method.' The FBI says you will hardly notice anything different. 

For a demonstration, click on the link below: 

http://users.chartertn.net/tonytemplin/FBI_eyes/


----------



## Dr.G.

A man wakes up in the hospital, bandaged from head to foot. The doctor comes
in and says, 'Ah, I see you've regained consciousness. Now, you probably
won't remember, but you were in a pile-up on the freeway. You're going to be
okay, you'll walk again and everything, but..... something happened. I'm
trying to break this gently, but the fact is, your willy was chopped off in
the wreck and we were unable to find it..' 

The man groans, but the doctor goes on, 'You've got $9000 in insurance
compensation coming and we have the technology now to build you a new willy
that will work as well as your old one did -better in fact! But the thing
is, it doesn't come cheap. It's $1000 an inch.'

The man perks up at this. 'So,' the doctor says, 'it's for you to decide how
many inches you want. But it's something you'd better discuss with your
wife. I mean, if you had a five inch one before, and you decide to go for a
nine incher, she might be a bit put out. But if you had a nine inch one
before,and you decide only to invest in a five incher this time, she might
be disappointed. So it's important that she plays a role in helping you make
the decision.'

The man agrees to talk with his wife. The doctor comes back the next day.
'So,' says the doctor, 'have you spoken with your wife?'

'I have,' says the man.

'And has she helped you in making the decision?'


'Yes, she has,' says the man.


'And what is it?' asks the doctor.


'We're getting granite countertops.'


----------



## ScanMan

Dr.G. said:


> 'We're getting granite countertops.'


LMAO! Passed that one along to the Missus. My spell check kept highlighting "willy". Thanks for a good one.


----------



## Dr.G.

ScanMan said:


> LMAO! Passed that one along to the Missus. My spell check kept highlighting "willy". Thanks for a good one.



My wife was the one that sent it to me in the first place.


----------



## ScanMan

Dr.G. said:


> My wife was the one that sent it to me in the first place.


Sorry.


----------



## Dr.G.

ScanMan said:


> Sorry.


We both got a chuckle out of it, ScanMan.


----------



## ScanMan

Dr.G. said:


> We both got a chuckle out of it, ScanMan.


Well, just got an email back from my wife, in response to the gag. And I quote...

"The kitchen can wait!":yikes:


----------



## Dr.G.

Kudos, ScanMan.


----------



## gwillikers

Barry returned from a doctor's visit one day and told his
wife, Tracy, that the doctor said he only had 24 hours to live.

Wiping away her tears, he asked her to make love with him.
Of course she agreed and they made passionate love.

Six hours later, Barry went to her again, and said,
'Babe, now I only have 18 hours left to live. Maybe we
could make love again?' Tracy agreed and again they made love.

Later, Barry was getting into bed when he realised he now
had only eight hours of life left. He touched Tracy's shoulder
and said, 'Babe? Please? Just one more time before I die.' She
agreed, then afterwards she rolled over and fell asleep.

Barry, however, heard the clock ticking in his head, and
he tossed and turned until he was down to only four more hours.

He tapped his wife on the shoulder to wake her up.
'Babe, I only have four hours left! Could we...?'
His wife sat up abruptly, turned to him and said,

'Listen Barry, I'm not being funny
...but I have to get up in the morning and you don't.'


----------



## Bjornbro

If you get an e-mail from the Department of Health about swine flu, advising
you not to eat canned pork, ignore it...

...it's _spam._

XX)  :yawn:


----------



## gwillikers

*Hockey Humor*


----------



## Dr.G.

gw, that would be funnier if the Canucks or Rangers were still in the playoffs.


----------



## gwillikers

Dr.G. said:


> gw, that would be funnier if the Canucks or Rangers were still in the playoffs.


I just think it's funny that someone went to the trouble of jumbling up the letters and numbers (probably in the wee hours of the morning) to create that.


----------



## Dr.G.

gwillikers said:


> I just think it's funny that someone went to the trouble of jumbling up the letters and numbers (probably in the wee hours of the morning) to create that.


Oh, and here I thought it was someone trying to stick it to the die-hard Leafs fans who year after year hope that they can get back into Stanley Cup contention. Silly me.


----------



## gwillikers

Dr.G. said:


> Oh, and here I thought it was someone trying to stick it to the die-hard Leafs fans who year after year hope that they can get back into Stanley Cup contention. Silly me.



Dr G, I would never stoop so low as to post something even remotely disparaging against Leafs fans!



I'm not like that!



:lmao: :lmao: :lmao:


----------



## Dr.G.

gwillikers said:


> Dr G, I would never stoop so low as to post something even remotely disparaging against Leafs fans!
> 
> 
> 
> I'm not like that!
> 
> 
> 
> :lmao: :lmao: :lmao:


That is good to know, gw. Not sure if we will live long enough to see the Leafs win the Stanley Cup once again, however. We shall see.

Paix, mon ami.


----------



## The Doug

This is an actual e-mail (edited here for anonymity etc.) a friend of mine received after complaining about scrambled / inaccurate closed captioning on a particular channel:

_"I am a supervisor with _____________, I was e-mailing to find out if you were still experiencing problems with the closed captioning on the programming you were watching on the ______________ channel. If you are still noticing problems please let me know so that we can attempt to find the source of the problem, if no problem is happening anymore then thank you for your service and I apologize for any *incontinence* you may have experienced with the programming."_

Tee hee.


----------



## sharonmac09

The Doug said:


> This is an actual e-mail (edited here for anonymity etc.) a friend of mine received after complaining about scrambled / inaccurate closed captioning on a particular channel:
> 
> _"I am a supervisor with _____________, I was e-mailing to find out if you were still experiencing problems with the closed captioning on the programming you were watching on the ______________ channel. If you are still noticing problems please let me know so that we can attempt to find the source of the problem, if no problem is happening anymore then thank you for your service and I apologize for any *incontinence* you may have experienced with the programming."_
> 
> Tee hee.


:lmao::lmao::lmao::lmao:


----------



## SINC

The doctor is amazed at what good shape the guy is in and asks, "How do you stay in such great physical condition?" 

"I'm Scottish and I am a golfer"' says the old guy, "and that's why I'm in such good shape. I'm up well before daylight and out golfing up and down the fairways. I have a wee glass of whiskey, and all is well." 

"Well," says the doctor, "I'm sure that helps, but there's got to be more to it. How old was your Dad when he died?" 

"Who said my Da's deid?" 

The doctor is amazed. "You mean you're 80 years old and your Dad's still alive. How old is he?" 

"He's 100 years old," says the old Scottish golfer. "In fact he golfed wi' me this morning, and then we went to the topless beach for a walk and had anither wee dram and that's why he's still alive. He's Scottish and he's a golfer, too." 

"Well," the doctor says, "that's great, but I'm sure there's more to it than that. How about your Dad's dad? How old was he when he died?" 

"Who said my grandad's died?" 

Stunned, the doctor asks, "You mean you're 80 years old and your grandfather's still living! Incredible, how old is he?" 

"He's 118 years old," says the old Scottish golfer. 

The doctor is getting frustrated at this point, "So, I guess he went golfing with you this morning too?" 

"No.. Grandad couldnae go this mornin' because he's getting married today." 

At this point the doctor is close to losing it. "Getting married!! Why would a 118 year-old guy want to get married?" 

"Who said he wanted to?"


----------



## rgray

*A bloke's wife goes missing while diving off the West Australian coast.*

A bloke's wife goes missing while diving off the West Australian coast. He reports the event, searches fruitlessly and spends a terrible night wondering what could have happened to her.

Next morning there's a knock at the door and he is confronted by a couple of policemen, the old Sarge and a younger Constable. 

The Sarge says, 'Mate, we have some news for you, unfortunately some really bad news, but, some good news, and maybe some more good news'.

'Well,' says the bloke, 'I guess I'd better have the bad news first.'

The Sarge says, 'I'm really sorry mate, but your wife is dead. Young Bill here found her lying at about five fathoms in a little cleft in the reef. He got a line around her and we pulled her up, but she was dead.'

The bloke is naturally pretty distressed to hear of this and has a bit of a turn. But after a few minutes he pulls himself together and asks what the good news is.

The Sarge says, 'Well when we got your wife up there were quite a few really good sized crays and a swag of nice crabs attached to her, so we've brought you your share.' 

He hands the bloke a sugar bag with a couple of nice crays and four or five crabs in it.

'Geez thanks. They're bloody beauties. I guess it's an ill wind and all that... so what's the other possible good news?'

'Well', the Sarge says, 'if you fancy a quick trip, me and young Bill here get off duty at around 11 o'clock and we're gonna shoot over there and pull her up again!'


----------



## SINC

A doctor in Dublin wanted to get off work and go fishing, so he approached his assistant 

"Murphy, I am going fishing tomorrow and don't want to close the clinic. I want you to take care of the clinic and take care of all me patients".

"Yes, sir!" answers Murphy.

The doctor goes fishing and returns the following day and asks: "So, Murphy, how was your day?"

Murphy told him that he took care of three patients. "The first one had a headache so he did, so I gave him Paracetamol."

"Bravo Murphy lad, and the second one?" asks the doctor.

"The second one had indigestion and I gave him Gaviscon, so I did sir" says Murphy.

"Bravo, bravo! You're good at this and what about the third one?" asks the doctor.
*
"Sir, I was sitting here and suddenly the door flies open and a young gorgeous woman bursts in so she does. Like a bolt outta the blue, she tears off her clothes, taking off everyting including her bra and her panties and lies down on the table, spreading her legs and shouts: 'HELP ME for the love of St Patrick! For five years I have not seen any man!'"

"Tunderin' lard Jesus Murphy, what did you do?" asks the doctor. 

"I put drops in her eyes".


----------



## gwillikers

An old man lived alone in Maine. He wanted to spade his potato garden, but it was very hard work. His only son, Bubba , who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament.

Dear Bubba,
I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won't be able to plant my potato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. If you were here, all my troubles would be over. I know you would dig the plot for me.
Love,
Dad

A few days later he received a letter from his son.
Dear Dad,
For heaven's sake, Dad, don't dig up that garden, that's where I buried the BODIES.
Love,
Bubba

At 4 am the next morning, FBI agents and local police showed up and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left. The same day the old man received another letter from his son.


Dear Dad,
Go ahead and plant the potatoes now. That's the best I could do under the circumstances.
Love,
Bubba.


----------



## SINC

Some Things Never Change

Two guys, one old timer and one young guy, are pushing their shopping carts around Costco when they collide.

The old timer says to the young guy, 'Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife, and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going. 

'The young guy says, 'That's OK. It's a coincidence. I'm looking for my wife, too. I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate.'

The old guy says, 'Well, maybe we can help each other out. What does your wife look like?'

The young guy says, 'Well, she is 24 yrs old, tall, with blonde hair, big blue eyes, long legs, big boobs, and she's wearing tight white shorts, a halter top and no bra. 'What does your wife look like?'

The old timer says, 'Doesn't matter, let's look for yours.'

Most old timers are helpful like that!


----------



## Dr.G.

SINC said:


> Some Things Never Change
> 
> Two guys, one old timer and one young guy, are pushing their shopping carts around Costco when they collide.
> 
> The old timer says to the young guy, 'Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife, and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going.
> 
> 'The young guy says, 'That's OK. It's a coincidence. I'm looking for my wife, too. I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate.'
> 
> The old guy says, 'Well, maybe we can help each other out. What does your wife look like?'
> 
> The young guy says, 'Well, she is 24 yrs old, tall, with blonde hair, big blue eyes, long legs, big boobs, and she's wearing tight white shorts, a halter top and no bra. 'What does your wife look like?'
> 
> The old timer says, 'Doesn't matter, let's look for yours.'
> 
> Most old timers are helpful like that!


Good one, Sinc. :lmao::lmao::lmao:


----------



## Dr.G.

"The Cowboy Boots
(Anyone who has ever dressed a child will love this one!)

Did you hear about the Texas teacher who was helping one of her kindergarten students put on his cowboy boots?

He asked for help and she could see why.

Even with her pulling and him pushing, the little boots still didn't want to go on. By the time they got the second boot on, she had worked up a sweat.

She almost cried when the little boy said, 'Teacher, they're on the wrong feet.' She looked, and sure enough,

They were. It wasn't any easier pulling the boots off than it was putting them on. She managed to keep her cool as

Together they worked to get the boots back on, this time on the right feet.

He then announced, 'These aren't my boots.'

She bit her tongue rather than get right in his face and scream, 'Why didn't you say so?', like she wanted to. 

Once again, she struggled to help him pull the ill-fitting boots off his little feet. No sooner had they gotten the boots off when he said, 'they're my brother's boots. My Mom made me wear 'em.'

Now she didn't know if she should laugh or cry. But, she mustered up what grace and courage she had left to wrestle the boots on his feet again.

Helping him into his coat, she asked, 'Now, where are your Mittens?'

He said, 'I stuffed 'em in the toes of my boots.' "


----------



## gwillikers

A lady went to her priest one day and told him, ‘Father, I have a problem. I have two female parrots, but they only know how to say one thing.’

‘What's that?’ the priest inquired.
They say, ‘hi, we're hookers!’ ‘Do you want to have some fun?’
‘That's obscene!’ The priest exclaimed,
Then he thought for a moment. ‘You know,’ he said, ‘I may have a solution to your problem. I have two male talking parrots, which I have taught to pray and read the Bible. Bring your two parrots over to my house, and we'll put them in the cage with Francis, and Peter. My parrots can teach your parrots to praise and worship. And, your parrots are sure to stop saying that phrase in no time.’
‘Thank you’, the woman responded, ‘this may very well be the solution.’
The next day, she brought her female parrots to the priest's house. As he ushered her in, she saw that his two male parrots were inside their cage holding rosary beads and praying.
Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots in with them.
After a few minutes, the female parrots cried out in unison:
‘Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?’

There was stunned silence...

Then one male parrot looked over at his buddy and exclaimed, ‘put the beads away Frank.’

‘Our prayers have been answered!!’


----------



## Dr.G.

Good one, gw. I am chuckling right now. Merci, mon ami.


----------



## SINC

My neighbour found out her dog, a purebred Schnauzer could hardly hear so she took it to the veterinarian. 

He found the problem was hair in its ears and cleaned both ears and the dog could hear fine. 

The vet told the lady if she wanted to keep this from reoccurring she should go to the store and get some "Nair" hair remover and rub in its ears once a month. 

The lady went to the drug store and got some "Nair" hair remover. 

At the register, the druggist told her, "If you're going to use this under your arms, don't use deodorant for a few days." 

The lady said, "I'm not using it under my arms." 

The druggist said "If you're using it on your legs, don't shave for a couple of days." 

The lady said, "I'm not using it on my legs either; and if you must know, I'm using it on my Schnauzer." 

The druggist said, "Stay off your bicycle for a week."


----------



## Dr.G.

We have been warned!!

A Message from our Prime Minister

Dear People of Canada

Due to the current financial situation caused by the slowdown of the economy, your Government has decided to implement a scheme to put workers 50 years of age and older on early retirement. This scheme will be known as RAPE (Retire Aged People Early).

Persons selected to be RAPED can apply to the government to be eligible for the SHAFT scheme (Special Help After Forced Termination).

Persons who have been RAPED and SHAFTED will be reviewed under the SCREW program (Scheme Covering Retired Early Workers). A person may be RAPED once, SHAFTED twice and SCREWED as many times as the government deems appropriate.

Only persons who have been RAPED can get AIDS (Additional Income for Dependants & Spouse) or HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel Early Severance). Obviously, persons who have AIDS or HERPES will not be SHAFTED or SCREWED any further by the government.

Persons, who are not RAPED and are staying on, will receive as much SH*T (Special High Intensity Training) as possible. The government has always prided itself in the amount of SH*T it gives out. Should you feel that you do not receive enough SH*T, please bring this to the attention of your local MP. They have been trained to give you all the SH*T you can handle.

Sincerely,
Stephen Harper

Parliament Hill, Ottawa..


----------



## The Doug

A duck walked into a bar and said, "One pint of lager and a bag of your excellent salt and vinegar crisps, please."

The barman replied, "You speak very good English for a duck."

"Thank you," the duck said.

"Ever thought of working in a circus?" the barman asked. "You'd make a very good living."

"Already am," said the duck. "I'm a plumber."


----------



## The Doug

And now, Cake Wrecks.


----------



## rgray

*Young Chuck moved to Texas and bought a donkey...........*

Young Chuck moved to Texas and bought a donkey from a farmer for $100.00. The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day.

The next day he drove up and said, 'Sorry son, but I have some bad news, the donkey died.'

Chuck replied, 'Well, then just give me my money back.'

The farmer said, 'Can't do that. I went and spent it already.'

Chuck said, 'OK, then, just bring me the dead donkey.'

The farmer asked, 'What ya gonna do with him ?

Chuck said, 'I'm going to raffle him off.'

The farmer said 'You can't raffle off a dead donkey!'

Chuck said, 'Sure I can. Watch me. I just won't tell anybody he's dead.'

A month later, the farmer met up with Chuck and asked, 'What happened with that dead donkey ?'

Chuck said, 'I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at two dollars apiece and made a profit of $898.00.'

The farmer said, 'Didn't anyone complain ?'

Chuck said, 'Just the guy who won. So I gave him his two dollars back.'

Chuck now works for a large US investment bank


----------



## The Doug

A guy goes into the optometrist's office.

He opens the door and says to the receptionist, "I think I need my eyes checked."

She says, "You're not kidding. This is the womens' bathroom."


----------



## gwillikers

*Why Parents Drink*

Why Parents Drink

_A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see that his bed
was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then he saw an envelope,
propped up prominently on the pillow that was addressed to 'Dad.'

With the worst premonition he opened the envelope with trembling hands and read the letter._

Dear Dad:

It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope
with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mom and you.

I have been finding real passion with Stacy and she is so nice.

But I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercing,
tattoos, tight motorcycle clothes and the fact that she is much older than
I am. But it's not only the passion...Dad she's pregnant.

Stacy said that we will be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods and
has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having
many more children.

Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt
anyone. We'll be growing it for ourselves and trading it with the other
people that live nearby for cocaine and ecstasy.

In the meantime we will pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so
Stacy can get better. She deserves it.

Don't worry Dad. I'm 15 and I know how to take care of myself. Someday I'm
sure that we will be back to visit so that you can get to know your
grandchildren.

Love, Your Son John

PS. Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Tommy's house.

I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than a
report card that's in my center desk drawer.

I love you.

Call me when it's safe to come home.


----------



## The Doug

Did you hear about the guy who drowned in a bowl of muesli? A strong currant pulled him in.


----------



## The Doug

After years of psychotherapy, John no longer believes he is a grain of wheat.

However, one day he and a friend came across a chicken, and John became terrified.

"Why are you so afraid? You're not a grain of wheat after all," his friend said.

John replied, "You know it and I know it, but the chicken doesn't know it."


----------



## markceltic

A young boy had just received his driver's permit and asked his father if they could discuss his use of the car.

His father said he'd make a deal with his son. 'You bring your grades up from a C to a B Average, study your Bible a little, get your hair cut and we'll talk about the car.'

The boy thought about that for a moment, decided he'd settle for the offer and they agreed on it.

After about six weeks his father said, 'Son, I've been real proud. You brought your grades up and I've observed that you have been studying your Bible, but I'm real disappointed you didn't get your hair cut.'

The young man paused a moment then said, 'You know, Dad, I've been thinking about that, and I've noticed in my studies of the Bible that Samson had long hair, John the Baptist had long hair, Moses had long hair and there's even a strong argument that Jesus had long hair.'

To this his father replied, 'Did you also notice that they all walked everywhere they went?'


----------



## SINC

Hi There, 

I need a small favor, if it's not too much trouble. 

I am going away on vacation, and I need a friend to come over to water my plants while I am gone. 

The plants are mostly geraniums and begonias. 

In the hot weather they'll probably only need water twice a day. I'll be gone only 21 days. I've attached a photo for your reference. 

I'll send you a post card. 

Thanks 

P.S. - The ladder is in the garage.


----------



## gwillikers

SINC said:


> Hi There,
> 
> I need a small favor, if it's not too much trouble...


:lmao::lmao:


----------



## SINC

A little old lady is walking down the street dragging two large plastic garbage bags behind her. One of the bags rips and every once in a while a $20 bill falls out onto the sidewalk. 

Noticing this, a policeman stops her and says, "Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of your bag." "Oh, really? Darn!," says the little old lady. "I'd better go back and see if I can find them. Thank you for telling me."

"Well, now, not so fast," says the Police Officer. "How did you get all that money? You didn't steal it, did you?"

"Oh, good gracious, no," says the little old lady. "You see, my backyard is right next to the football stadium parking lot. On game days, a lot of fans come and pee through the fence into my flower garden. So, I stand behind the fence with my hedge clippers. 

Each time some guy sticks his thing through the fence, I say, '$20 or off it comes'."

"Well, that seems only fair," laughs the policeman. "OK! Good luck! By the way, what's in the other bag?"

"Well, you know," says the little old lady, "not everybody pays."


----------



## SINC

The lesbians next door gave me a Rolex for my birthday.

Very nice, I thought, but I think they might have misunderstood when I said I wanna watch!


----------



## rgray

*... old enough to remember Abbott and Costello ...*

You have to be old enough to remember Abbott and Costello, and too old to REALLY understand computers, to fully appreciate this. For those of us who sometimes get flustered by our computers, please read on.....

If Bud Abbott and Lou Costello were alive today, their infamous sketch, 'Who's on First' might have turned out something like this:



> COSTELLO CALLS TO BUY A COMPUTER FROM ABBOTT
> 
> ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?
> 
> COSTELLO: Thanks I'm setting up an office in my den and I'm thinking about buying a computer.
> 
> ABBOTT: Mac?
> 
> COSTELLO: No, the name's Lou.
> 
> ABBOTT: Your computer?
> 
> COSTELLO: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one.
> 
> ABBOTT: Mac?
> 
> COSTELLO: I told you, my name's Lou.
> 
> ABBOTT: What about Windows?
> 
> COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here?
> 
> ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with Windows?
> 
> COSTELLO: I don't know. What will I see when I look at the windows?
> 
> ABBOTT: Wallpaper.
> 
> COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.
> 
> ABBOTT: Software for Windows?
> 
> COSTELLO: No. On the computer! I need something I can use to write proposals, track expenses and run my business. What do you have?
> 
> ABBOTT: Office.
> 
> COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?
> 
> ABBOTT: I just did.
> 
> COSTELLO: You just did what?
> 
> ABBOTT: Recommend something.
> 
> COSTELLO: You recommended something?
> 
> ABBOTT: Yes.
> 
> COSTELLO: For my office?
> 
> ABBOTT: Yes...
> 
> COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office?
> 
> ABBOTT: Office.
> 
> COSTELLO: Yes, for my office!
> 
> ABBOTT: I recommend Office with Windows.
> 
> COSTELLO: I already have an office with windows! OK, let's just say I'm sitting at my computer and I want to type a proposal. What do I need?
> 
> ABBOTT: Word.
> 
> COSTELLO: What word?
> 
> ABBOTT: Word in Office.
> 
> COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.
> 
> ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.
> 
> COSTELLO: Which word in office for windows?
> 
> ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue 'W'.
> 
> COSTELLO: I'm going to click your blue 'w' if you don't start with some straight answers. What about financial bookkeeping? You have anything I can track my money with?
> 
> ABBOTT: Money.
> 
> COSTELLO: That's right. What do you have?
> 
> ABBOTT: Money.
> 
> COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?
> 
> ABBOTT: It comes bundled with your computer.
> 
> COSTELLO: What's bundled with my computer?
> 
> ABBOTT: Money.
> 
> COSTELLO: Money comes with my computer?
> 
> ABBOTT: Yes. No extra charge.
> 
> COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much?
> 
> ABBOTT: One copy.
> 
> COSTELLO: Isn't it illegal to copy money?
> 
> ABBOTT: Microsoft gave us a license to copy Money.
> 
> COSTELLO: They can give you a license to copy money?
> 
> ABBOTT: Why not? THEY OWN IT!
> 
> 
> 
> (A few days later)
> 
> ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?
> 
> COSTELLO: How do I turn my computer off?
> 
> ABBOTT: Click on 'START'.............


----------



## The Doug

A grasshopper walked into a bar.

The bartender said, "Hey - we have a drink named after you!"

The grasshopper replied, "Gordon?"


----------



## rgray

*A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station*

A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic it died. 
After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly. 
She says, 'What's the story?' 
He replies, 'Just crap in the carburetor' 
She asks, 'How often do I have to do that?'


----------



## gwillikers

*The Pumpkin Patch*

_Washington Post article... the title of the article was "Best Comeback Line Ever."_

In summary, the police arrested Patrick Lawrence, a 22-year-old white male, resident of Dracula, GA, in a pumpkin patch at 11:38 p.m. on Friday.

Lawrence will be charged with lewd and lascivious behavior, public indecency and public intoxication at the Gwinnett County courthouse on Monday. 

The suspect explained that as he was passing a pumpkin patch he decided to stop. "You know, a pumpkin is soft and squishy inside and there was no one around here for miles. At least I thought there wasn't," he stated in a phone interview. 

Lawrence went on to say that he pulled over to the side of the road, picked out a pumpkin that he felt was appropriate to his purposes, cut a hole in it and proceeded to satisfy his alleged "need." 

"I guess I was just really into it, you know?" he commented with evident embarrassment. In the process, Lawrence apparently failed to notice a Gwinnett County police car approaching and was unaware of his audience until officer Brenda Taylor approached him.

"It was an unusual situation, that's for sure," said officer Taylor.

"I walked up to (Lawrence) and he's...just working away at this pumpkin."

Taylor went on to describe what happened when she approached Lawrence.

"I just went up and said, 'Excuse me sir, but do you realize that you are screwing a pumpkin?'

He froze and was clearly very surprised that I was there and then looked me straight in the face and said:

"A pumpkin? Damn...is it midnight already?"


----------



## The Doug

And now, Christmas In The Park...


----------



## SINC

A guy from Cornerbrook, Newfoundland, driving a Volkswagen Beetle in Toronto pulls up next to a guy in a Rolls Royce at a stop sign. 

Their windows are open and he yells at the guy in the Rolls, "Hey, you got a telephone in that Rolls?" 

The guy in the Rolls says, "Yes, of course I do." 

"I gots one too... See?" the guy says. 

"Uh, huh, yes, that's very nice." 

"You got a fax machine?" asks the Newfoundlander. 

"Why, actually, yes, I do." 

"I do too! See? It's right here!" brags the guy from the Rock. 

The light is just about to turn green and the guy in the Volkswagen says, "So, do you have a double bed in back there?" 

The guy in the Rolls replies, "NO! Do you?" 

"Yep, got me a double bed right in back here," the guy replies. 

The light turns and the man in the Volkswagen takes off. 

The guy in the Rolls is not about to be one-upped, so he immediately goes to a custom shop and orders them to put a double bed in back of his car. 

Two days later, the job done, he picks up his car and drives all over town looking for the Volkswagen beetle with the Newfoundland/Labrador plates. Finally, he finds it parked alongside the road and he pulls his Rolls up next to it. 

The windows on the Volkswagen are all fogged up and he feels somewhat awkward about it, but he gets out of his newly modified Rolls and taps on the foggy window of the Volkswagen. 

The man in the Volkswagen finally opens the window a crack and peeks out. 

The guy with the Rolls says, "Hey, remember me?" 

"Yeah, yeah, I remember you," replies the Newfoundlander, "What's up?" 

"Check this out. I got a double bed installed in my Rolls." 

The Newfoundlander exclaims, "B'JEEZ B'Y, YOU GOT ME OUT OF THE SHOWER TO TELL ME THAT!"


----------



## Aurora

Welfare

A Cape Bretoner walked into the local welfare office to pick up his cheque. 

He marched straight up to the counter and said, 'Hi. You know...., I just HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job.

The social worker behind the counter said, 'Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a Chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter.
You'll have to drive around in his 2008 Mercedes-Benz CL, and he will supply all of your clothes. 
Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll also be expected to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips.
This is rather awkward to say but you will also have as part of your job assignment to satisfy her sexual urges as the daughter is in her mid-20's and has a rather strong sex drive.

The Cape Bretoner, just plain wide-eyed, said, ' You're Kidding Me!' 


The social worker said, ' Yeah, well . . You started it.


----------



## CubaMark

*Preach to a Bear*
*
A Catholic priest, a Baptist preacher, and a rabbi all served as
chaplains to the students of Northern Michigan University in Marquette .
They would get together two or three times a week for coffee and to talk
shop.


One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't really
all that hard. A real challenge would be to preach to a bear. One thing
led to another, and they decided to do an experiment. They would all go
out into the woods, find a bear, preach to it, and attempt to convert it..


Seven days later, they all came together to discuss their experience.
Father Flannery, who had his arm in a sling, was on crutches, and had
various bandages on his body and limbs, went first. 'Well,' he said, 'I
went into the woods to find me a bear. And when I found him, I began to
read to him from the Cathocism. Well, that bear wanted nothing to do
with me and began to slap me around. So I quickly grabbed my holy water,
sprinkled him, and Holy Mary Mother of God, he became as gentle as a
lamb. The bishop is coming out next week to give him first communion and
confirmation.'


Reverend Billy Bob spoke next. He was in a wheelchair, had one arm and
both legs in casts, and had an IV drip. In his best fire-and-brimstone
oratory, he claimed, 'WELL, brothers, you KNOW that we don't sprinkle! I
went out and I FOUND me a bear. And then I began to read to my bear from
God's HOLY WORD! But that bear wanted nothing to do with me. So I took
HOLD of him and we began to wrestle. We wrestled down one hill, UP
another and DOWN another until we came to a creek. So I quickly DUNKED
him and BAPTIZED his hairy soul. And just like you said, he became as
gentle as a lamb. We spent the rest of the day praising Jesus.'


The priest and the reverend both looked down at the rabbi, who was lying
in a hospital bed. He was in a body cast and traction with IVs and
monitors running in and out of him. He was in really bad shape.
The Rabbi looked up and said, 'Looking back on it, circumcision may not
have been the best way to start...'


----------



## Dr.G.

Good on, Mark.


----------



## SINC

Rejected Hallmark Greeting Cards . . .

1. So your Daughters a hooker and it spoiled your day... look on the bright side, she's a really good lay.


2. My tire was thumping... I thought it was flat... when I looked at the tire... I noticed your cat... Sorry.


3. You had your Bladder removed and you're on the mend... here's a bouquet of flowers and a box of depends.


4. Happy Vasectomy! Hope you feel zippy! Cause when I had mine I felt real snippy.


5. Heard your wife left you... How upset you must be... But don't fret about it... She moved in with me.


6. You totaled your car... and can't remember why... could it have been... that case of Molson Dry?


----------



## MLeh

(My apologies if this has already been posted)

In 1986, Peter Davies was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Northwestern University .

On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air.

The elephant seemed distressed, so Peter approached it very carefully.

He got down on one knee, inspected the elephants foot, and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it.

As carefully and as gently as he could, Peter worked the wood out with his knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot.

The elephant turned to face the man, and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments.

Peter stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled.

Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked away.

Peter never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.

Twenty years later, Peter was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his teenaged son.

As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Peter and his son Cameron were standing.

The large bull elephant stared at Peter, lifted its front foot off the ground, then put it down.

The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.

Remembering the encounter in 1986, Peter could not help wondering if this was the same elephant.

Peter summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing, and made his way into the enclosure.

He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder.

The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Peter legs






and slammed him against the railing, killing him instantly.







Probably wasn't the same elephant.



(This is for everyone who sends me those heart-warming bull**** stories.)


----------



## SINC

Two medical students were walking along the street when they saw an old man walking with his legs spread apart. He was stiff legged and walking slowly. 

One student said to his friend: "I'm sure that poor old man has Peltry Syndrome.Those people walk just like that."

The other student says: "No, I don't think so.The old man surely has Zovitzki Syndrome. He walks slowly and his legs are apart just as we learned in class."

Since they couldn't agree, they decided to ask the old man. They approached him and one of the students said to him: "We're medical students and couldn't help but notice the way you walk, but we couldn't agree on the syndrome*you might have. Could you tell us what it is?" 

The old man said, "I'll tell you, but first you tell me what you two fine medical students think."

The first student said, "I think it's Peltry Syndrome."

The old man said, "You thought, but you are wrong." 

The other student said, "I think you have Zovitzki Syndrome."

The old man said, "You thought, but you are wrong."

So they asked him, "Well, old timer, what do you have?"

The old man said, "I thought it was GAS, but I was wrong, too!"


----------



## markceltic

A gynecologist had become fed up with malpractice insurance and HMO paperwork and was burned out. Hoping to try another career where skillful hands would be beneficial, he decided to become a mechanic. He went to the local technical college, signed up for evening classes, attended diligently and learned all he could. 

When the time for the practical exam approached, the gynecologist prepared carefully for weeks and completed the exam with tremendous skill. When the results came back, he was surprised to find that he had obtained a score of 150%. Fearing an error, he called the instructor, saying, "I don`t want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I wonder if there was an error in the grade." 

The instructor said, "During the exam, you took the engine apart perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total mark. You put the engine back together again perfectly, which is also worth 50% of the mark." 

After a pause, the instructor added, "I gave you an extra 50% because you did it all through the muffler, which I`ve never seen done in my entire career."


----------



## CubaMark

*Mexican**Oysters
*
A big Texan stopped at a local restaurant following a day roaming around in*Mexico.

While sipping his tequila, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table. Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful.*

He asked the waiter, _'What is that you just served?'_

The waiter replied, _'Ah senor, you have excellent taste! Those are called Cojones de Toro, bull's testicles from the bull fight this morning. A delicacy!'_

The cowboy said, _'What the heck, bring me an order.'_*

The waiter replied,_ 'I am so sorry senor. There is only one serving per day because there is only one bull fight each morning. If you come early and place your order, we will be sure to save you this delicacy.'_

The next morning, the cowboy returned, placed his order, and that evening was served the one and only special delicacy of the day. After a few bites, inspecting his platter, he called to the waiter and said, _'These are delicious, but they are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday.'_

The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied,_ 'Si, Senor.*_

_'Sometimes the bull wins.'_


----------



## SINC

I got this new deodorant stick. 

The instructions said, "Remove cap and push up bottom."

I can barely walk with it, but when I fart I smell real nice.


----------



## Dr.G.

SINC said:


> I got this new deodorant stick.
> 
> The instructions said, "Remove cap and push up bottom."
> 
> I can barely walk with it, but when I fart I smell real nice.


Cute. :lmao::lmao::lmao: :heybaby:


----------



## gwillikers

A guy asks his wife, "what would you do if I won the lottery?"

She says, "I would leave you and take half."

He says, "great, I just won twelve bucks, here's six, now get the hell out."


----------



## SINC

I just had a call from a charity asking me to donate some of my clothes to the starving people throughout the world.

I told them to bugger off!

Anybody who fits into my clothes isn't starving!


----------



## Dr.G.

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.

After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said; "I'm sorry, your duck (Cuddles) has passed away."

The distressed woman wailed; "Are you sure?"

"Yes, I am sure. The duck is dead." replied the vet.

"How can you be so sure?" she protested. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something." The vet rolled his eyes, turned around, and left the room.

He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his
front paws on the examination table, and sniffed the duck from top to
bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.

The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room.

A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and
also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its
haunches, shook its head, meowed softly, and strolled out of the room.

The vet looked at the woman and said; "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is
most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."

The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill,
which he handed to the woman. The duck's owner, still in shock, took the
bill. "$150!" she cried; "$150 just to tell me my duck is dead!?"

The vet shrugged; "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill
would have been $20, but......with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now
$150.


----------



## ComputerIdiot

Searched for this and couldn't find it, so here goes:

You've heard of the latest treatments for bird flu and swine flu?

You need special tweetment for bird flu, but for swine flu you just need an oinkment.


----------



## SINC

Dave and his buddies were hanging out and planning an upcoming fishing trip. Unfortunately, he had to tell them that he couldn't go this time because his wife wouldn't let him. After a lot of teasing and name calling, Dave headed home frustrated.

The following week when Dave's buddies arrived at the lake to set up camp, they were shocked to see Dave. He was already sitting at the campground with a cold beer, swag rolled out, fishing rod in hand, and a camp fire glowing. "How did you talk your missus into letting you go Dave?"

"I didn't have to," Dave replied. "Yesterday, when I left work, I went home and slumped down in my chair with a beer to drown my sorrows because I couldn't go fishing. Then the ol' lady snuck up behind me, covered my eyes and said, 'Surprise'." "When I peeled her hands back, she was standing there in a beautiful see through negligee and she said, 'Carry me into the bedroom, tie me to the bed and you can do whatever you want' . . . So, Here I am!"


----------



## KC4

*Maybe not a joke - but humorous just the same.*

AN ACTUAL CRAIG'S LIST PERSONALS AD



To the Guy Who Tried to Mug Me in Downtown Savannah night before last.

Date: 2009-05-27, 1:43 a.m. E.S.T.



I was the guy wearing the black Burberry jacket that you demanded that I hand over, shortly after you pulled the knife on me and my girlfriend, threatening our lives. You also asked for my girlfriend's purse and earrings. I can only hope that you somehow come across this rather important message.



First, I'd like to apologize for your embarrassment; I didn't expect you to actually crap in your pants when I drew my pistol after you took my jacket. The evening was not that cold, and I was wearing the jacket for a reason. My girlfriend had just bought me that Kimber Model 1911 .45 ACP pistol for my birthday, and we had picked up a shoulder holster for it that very evening. Obviously you agree that it is a very intimidating weapon when pointed at your head ... isn't it?!



I know it probably wasn't fun walking back to wherever you'd come from with that brown sludge in your pants. I'm sure it was even worse walking bare-footed since I made you leave your shoes, cell phone, and wallet with me. [That prevented you from calling or running to your buddies to come help mug us again].



After I called your mother or "Momma" as you had her listed in your cell, I explained the entire episode of what you'd done. Then I went and filled up my gas tank as well as those of four other people in the gas station, -- on your credit card. The guy with the big motor home took 150 gallons and was extremely grateful!



I gave your shoes to a homeless guy outside Vinnie Van Go Go's, along with all the cash in your wallet. [That made his day!]



I then threw your wallet into the big pink "pimp mobile" that was parked at the curb ... after I broke the windshield and side window and keyed the entire driver's side of the car.



Later, I called a bunch of phone sex numbers from your cell phone. Ma Bell just now shut down the line, although I only used the phone for a little over a day now, so what 's going on with that? Earlier, I managed to get in two threatening phone calls to the DA's office and one to the FBI, while mentioning President Obama as my possible target.



The FBI guy seemed really intense and we had a nice long chat (I guess while he traced your number etc.).



In a way, perhaps I should apologize for not killing you ... but I feel this type of retribution is a far more appropriate punishment for your threatened crime. I wish you well as you try to sort through some of these rather immediate pressing issues, and can only hope that you have the opportunity to reflect upon, and perhaps reconsider, the career path you've chosen to pursue in life. Remember, next time you might not be so lucky. Have a good day!



Thoughtfully yours,

Alex


----------



## MazterCBlazter

.


----------



## CubaMark

Three men, a Torontonian, an Albertan and a Newfie, were out riding in the car when it crashed into a tree. Before anyone knew it, the three men found themselves standing before the pearly gates of Heaven, where St.Peter and the Devil were standing nearby.

"Gentlemen," the Devil started, "Due to the fact that Heaven is now overcrowded, St. Peter has agreed to limit the number of people entering Heaven. If anyone of you can ask me a question which I don't know or cannot answer, then you're worthy enough to go to Heaven; if not, then you'll come with me to hell."

The Torontonian then stepped up, "OK, give me the most comprehensive report on Socrates' teachings. "With a snap of his fingers, a stack of paper appeared next to the Devil. The Torontonian read it and concluded it was correct. "Then, go to hell!" With another snap of his fingers,*the Torontonian disappeared.

The Albertan then asked, "Give me the most complicated Formula you can ever think of!" With a snap of his fingers, another stack of paper appeared next to the Devil. The Albertan read it and reluctantly agreed it was correct. "Then, go to hell!" With another snap of his fingers, the Albertan disappeared, too.

The Newfie then stepped forward and said, "Bring me a chair!" The Devil brought forward a chair. The Newfie continues, "Drill 7 holes on the seat." The Devil did just that. The Newfie then sat on the chair and let out a very loud fart. Standing up, he asked, "Which hole did my fart come out from?" The Devil inspected the seat and said, "The third hole from the right." "Wrong," said the Newfie, ‘It was from me arshole!"

And the Newfie went to Heaven!!!


----------



## SINC

Michael Ignatieff was invited to address a major gathering of the Indian Nation in B.C. this summer.

He spoke for almost an hour on his future plans for increasing every First Nation's present standard of living if he became Prime Minister. He assured them he was always urging the present government to address more of the native community's concerns.

At the conclusion of his speech, the Tribe presented the Ignatieff with a plaque inscribed with his new Indian name "Walking Eagle". The proud Ignatieff then departed in his motorcade, waving to the crowds.

A news reporter later inquired to the group of chiefs of how they came to select the new name given to Ignatieff. They explained that Walking Eagle is the name given to a bird so full of sh!t it can no longer fly.


----------



## bryanc

*There's only one candy with the hole in the middle...*

As a fun and creative exercise an elementary school teacher gives her students life saver candies, and asks them to identify the flavors. The students quickly produce a list:

red = cherry
orange = orange
yellow = lemon
green = lime

To make things more challenging she gives them honey-flavored lifesavers. After several minutes of discussion, the students are baffled, so she gives them a hint "it's something your mother sometimes call your daddy."

Immediately, one little girl gags and spits out her candy, exclaiming "Oh my god, they're 'asshole' flavored!"


----------



## simon

God is sitting in Heaven when a scientist says to Him, "Lord, we don't Need you anymore. Science has finally figured out a way to create life Out of nothing. In other words, we can now do what you did in the Beginning."

"Oh, is that so? Tell me ..." replies God.

"Well", says the scientist, "we can take dirt and form it into the Likeness of you and breathe life into it, thus creating man."

"Well, that's interesting. Show Me. "

So the scientist bends down to the earth and starts to mold the soil.

"Oh no, no, no ..." interrupts God,


"... Get your own dirt."


----------



## Dr.G.

simon said:


> God is sitting in Heaven when a scientist says to Him, "Lord, we don't Need you anymore. Science has finally figured out a way to create life Out of nothing. In other words, we can now do what you did in the Beginning."
> 
> "Oh, is that so? Tell me ..." replies God.
> 
> "Well", says the scientist, "we can take dirt and form it into the Likeness of you and breathe life into it, thus creating man."
> 
> "Well, that's interesting. Show Me. "
> 
> So the scientist bends down to the earth and starts to mold the soil.
> 
> "Oh no, no, no ..." interrupts God,
> 
> 
> "... Get your own dirt."


Good one, Simon. :lmao::clap:


----------



## Rps

A man notices a beautiful woman at a bar and walks up to her and asks, " Where have you been all my life".

"Well half of it", she replied, " I wasn't born".


----------



## CubaMark

*2009's First Christmas Joke****

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.

'In honor of this holy season' Saint Peter said, *'You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.'

The man *from Nova Scotia fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. 'It represents a candle', he said.

'You may pass through the pearly gates' Saint Peter said.*

The man from Saskatchewan reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, 'They're bells.'

Saint Peter said 'You may pass through the pearly gates'.

The Newfoundlander *started searching desperately through his pockets and *finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.

St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, 'And just what do those symbolize?'


The Newfie *replied, 'These are Carols.'*

And So The Christmas Season Begins.......


----------



## CubaMark

*
CANADIAN.... Eh ! 

So, What Do We *Canadians Have To Be Proud Of ?*



1. Smarties

2. Crispy Crunch, Coffee Crisp

3. The size of our footballs fields, one less down, and*bigger*balls.

4. Baseball is Canadian - First game June 4, 1838 - Ingersoll , ON

5. Lacrosse is Canadian

6. Hockey is Canadian

7. Basketball is Canadian

8. Apple pie is Canadian

9. Mr. Dress-up beats Mr. Rogers

10. Tim Hortons beats Dunkin' Donuts

11. In the war of 1812, started by America , Canadians pushed *the Americans back past their White House. Then we burned it, and most of Washington*..*We got*bored because they ran away. Then, we came home and partied........ Go figure.

12.***Canada has the largest French population that never surrendered to Germany .

13. We have the largest English population that never ever surrendered or withdrew during any war to anyone, anywhere. EVER. (We got clobbered in the odd battle but prevailed in ALL the wars).

14. Our civil war was fought in a bar and lasted a little over an hour.* 

15. The only person who was arrested in our civil war was an American mercenary, he slept in and missed the whole thing. He showed up just in time to get caught.

16. A Canadian invented Standard Time.

17. The Hudsons Bay Company once owned over 10% of the earth's surface and is still around as the world's oldest company.

18. The average dog sled team can kill and devour a full grown*deer in under 3 minutes.
(That's more information than I need!)

19. We know what to do with*the parts of a buffalo.

20. We invented ski-doos, jet-skis, Velcro, zippers, insulin, the paint roller, roller skates, duct tape, the jolly-jumper, air conditioned vehicles, the Zamboni, the barcode, the Blackberry and the telephone. Also short wave radios that save countless lives each year.

21. The light bulb was actually invented by a Canadian (Henry Woodward patented it in 1874). The patent was bought by some obscure American named Edison who improved upon the design and took credit for inventing it.

22. We ALL have frozen our tongues to something metal and lived to tell about it.

23. A Canadian invented Superman.

24. We have coloured money.

25. Our beer advertisements kick ass {Incidently...so does our beer}

BUT MOST IMPORTANT !


The handles on our beer cases are big enough to fit your hands with mitts on. *

OOoohhhhh.... Canada !!










Oh yeah... And our elections only take one day.


----------



## Dr.G.

YouTube - I Am Canadian

I am a Canadian .... Paix, mes amis.


----------



## CubaMark

*To paraphrase W.C. Fields, "I don't drink water, because fish screw in it."*


*To my friends who enjoy a glass of wine…and those who don't.
*
As Ben Franklin said:

In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is freedom, in water there is bacteria.

In a number of carefully controlled trials,

scientists have demonstrated that if we drink 1 liter of water each day,

at the end of the year we would have absorbed more than 1 kilo of Escherichia coli , (E. coli) – bacteria found in feces.

In other words, we are consuming 1 kilo of poop.

However,

we do NOT run that risk when drinking wine & beer

(or tequila, rum, whiskey or other liquor)

because alcohol has to go through a purification process

of boiling, filtering and/or fermenting.

Remember:

Water = Poop,
Wine = Health..


Therefore, it's better to drink wine and talk stupid,
than to drink water and be full of crap.

There is no need to thank me for this valuable information:

I'm doing it as a public service!


----------



## Macfury

A few addenda:



CubaMark said:


> *
> So, What Do We *Canadians Have To Be Proud Of ?*
> 
> 9. Mr. Dress-up beats Mr. Rogers.


Mr. Rogers brought Mr. Dress-up to Canada from Pittsburgh to do the first Mr. Rogers show, which appeared on CBC. This one is a draw!




CubaMark said:


> 17. The Hudsons Bay Company once owned over 10% of the earth's surface and is still around as the world's oldest company.


But now owned by Americans!

Add to our list of inventions: The Pine Tree Air Freshener!


----------



## The Doug

Macfury said:


> Mr. Rogers brought Mr. Dress-up to Canada from Pittsburgh to do the first Mr. Rogers show, which appeared on CBC. This one is a draw!


That was Butternut Square.


----------



## rgray

CubaMark said:


> There is no need to thank me for this valuable information:
> 
> I'm doing it as a public service!


And very timely too now that the drinking season is upon us once again.


----------



## SINC

rgray said:


> And very timely too now that the drinking season is upon us once again.


It certainly is:


----------



## Macfury

The Doug said:


> That was Butternut Square.


Mr. Rogers used Ernie Coombs as a puppeteer on his first show, CBC's _Misterogers_. When Fred Rogers returned to the U.S., Coombs remained in Canada to be part of _Butternut Square_ on which Rogers occasionally guested. When they cut the budget on _Butternut Square_, Coombs offered to work on a smaller stage with a smaller budget as _Mr. Dressup_.


----------



## KC4

It is near the Christmas break of the school year. The students have
turned in all their work and there is really nothing more to do. All the
children are restless and the teacher decides to have an early
dismissal. 

Teacher: "Whoever answers the questions I ask, first and correctly can
leave early today."

Little Johnny says to himself "Good, I want to get outta here. I'm smart
and will answer the question."

Teacher: "Who said 'Four Score and Seven Years Ago'?"

Before Johnny can open his mouth, Susie says, "Abraham Lincoln."

Teacher: "That's right Susie, you can go home."

Johnny is mad that Susie answered the question first. 

Teacher: "Who said 'I Have a Dream'?"

Before Johnny can open his mouth, Mary says, "Martin Luther King."

Teacher: "That's right Mary, you can go."

Johnny is even madder than before. 

Teacher: "Who said 'Ask not, what your country can do for you'?"

Before Johnny can open his mouth, Nancy says, "John F. Kennedy."

Teacher: "That's right Nancy , you may also leave."

Johnny is boiling mad that he has not been able to answer to any of the
questions. 

When the teacher turns her back Johnny says, "I wish these bitches would
keep their mouths shut!"

The teacher turns around: "NOW WHO SAID THAT?"

Johnny: "TIGER WOODS. CAN I GO NOW?"


----------



## SINC

Happy Hour in Newfoundland:

A guy is driving down a back road in Newfoundland. A sign in front of a restaurant reads: 

HAPPY HOUR SPECIAL 

*Lobster Tail and Beer*

'Lord tundering Jesus' he says to himself, 'my tree favorite tings!!'


----------



## rgray

*Scottish Logic*

A man in Scotland calls his son in London the day before Christmas Eve and says, “I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough.”

“Dad, what are you talking about?” the son screams.

“We can't stand the sight of each other any longer,” the father says.

“We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Leeds and tell her.”

Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. “Like hell they're getting divorced,” she shouts, “I'll take care of this!”

She calls Scotland immediately, and screams at her father, “You are NOT getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?” and hangs up.

The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife.

“Okay,” he says, “they're coming for Christmas and they're paying their own way.”


----------



## MazterCBlazter

.


----------



## Dr.G.

rgray said:


> A man in Scotland calls his son in London the day before Christmas Eve and says, “I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough.”
> 
> “Dad, what are you talking about?” the son screams.
> 
> “We can't stand the sight of each other any longer,” the father says.
> 
> “We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Leeds and tell her.”
> 
> Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. “Like hell they're getting divorced,” she shouts, “I'll take care of this!”
> 
> She calls Scotland immediately, and screams at her father, “You are NOT getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?” and hangs up.
> 
> The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife.
> 
> “Okay,” he says, “they're coming for Christmas and they're paying their own way.”


Good one, rgray. I have read a variation of this with the mother and father a retired couple in Chicago, with the family members in Florida, Arizona and California. :lmao:


----------



## CubaMark

An old prospector shuffled into the town of El Indio, Texas leading an old tired mule. The old man headed straight for the only saloon in town, to clear his parched throat. He walked up to the saloon and tied his old mule to the hitch rail. As he stood there, brushing some of the dust from his face and clothes, a young gunslinger stepped out of the saloon with a gun in one hand and a bottle of whiskey in the other.*

The young gunslinger looked at the old man and laughed, saying, "Hey old man, have you ever danced?" The old man looked up at the gunslinger and said, "No, I never did dance... never really wanted to."*

A crowd had gathered as the gunslinger grinned and said, "Well, you old fool, you're gonna' dance now," and started shooting at the old man's feet. The old prospector, not wanting to get a toe blown off, started hopping around like a flea on a hot skillet. Everybody was laughing, fit to be tied.*

When his last bullet had been fired, the young gunslinger, still laughing, holstered his gun and turned around to go back into the saloon. The old man turned to his pack mule, pulled out a double-barreled shotgun, and cocked both hammers. The loud clicks carried clearly through the desert air.*

The crowd stopped laughing immediately. The young gunslinger heard the sounds too, and he turned around very slowly. The silence was almost deafening. The crowd watched as the young gunman stared at the old timer and the large gaping holes of those twin barrels.*

The barrels of the shotgun never wavered in the old man's hands, as he quietly said, "Son, have you ever kissed a mule's ass?"*

The gunslinger swallowed hard and said, "No sir..... but... I've always wanted to."


----------



## Dr.G.

A woman of advanced age visited her physician to ask his advice in reviving her husband's libido. 

'What about trying Viagra?' asked the doctor.

'Not a chance', she said. 'He won't even take an aspirin.'

'Not a problem,' replied the doctor. 'Give him Viagra. All you do is to drop the Viagra tablet into his coffee. He won't even taste it. Give it a try and call me in a week to let me know how things went.'

A week later, she called the doctor, who enquired as to her progress.

The poor dear exclaimed, 'Oh, my dear! It was horrid! Just terrible, doctor!'

'Really? What happened?' asked the doctor.

'Well, I did as you advised and slipped it in his coffee and the effect was almost immediate. He jumped straight up with a twinkle in his eye and with his pants a-bulging fiercely! With one swoop of his arm, he sent our cups and tablecloth flying, ripped my clothes to tatters and took me then and there passionately on the tabletop! It was a nightmare, I tell you, an absolute nightmare!'

'Why so terrible?' asked the doctor, 'Do you mean the sex your husband provided wasn't good?'

'O Lord, it was the best sex I've had in 25 years! But sure as I'm sitting here, I'll never be able to show my face in Tim Hortons again!'


----------



## CubaMark

:clap: :heybaby: :lmao:


----------



## SINC

A man walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender charges him 15 cents. Confused but not complaining, the man pays.

After a while, he decides to have another beer and some food, so he orders another beer and a steak. The bartender charges him 50 cents, 15 for the beer and 35 for the food.

After finishing his food and drink, he calls the bartender over and says, "Man, that was the best steak I've ever had. I want to talk to the manager and thank him."

"No problem," says the bartender. "He's upstairs with my wife."

"What's he doing upstairs with your wife?" asks the man.

"Probably the same thing I'm doing to his business down here!"


----------



## MazterCBlazter

.


----------



## Vanish

you want good jokes? google thejokeyard.. they have some pretty funny stuff... especially little johnny jokes.


----------



## KC4

Amazing simple home remedies:

1. Avoid cutting yourself when slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold the vegetables while you chop.

2. Avoid arguments regarding the correct position of the toilet seat by using the sink.

3. For high blood pressure sufferers ~ simply cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure on your veins. Remember to use a timer.

4. A mouse trap placed on top of your alarm clock will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.

5. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives. Then you'll be afraid to cough.

6. You only need two tools in life - wd-40 and duct tape. If it doesn't move and should, use the wd-40. If it shouldn't move and does, use the duct tape.

7. If you can't fix it with a hammer, you've got an electrical problem.


----------



## MazterCBlazter

.


----------



## CubaMark

*Gay Teen Worried He Might Be Christian*


----------



## SINC

Frankly My Dear . . .

A man walks out to the street and catches a taxi just going by.

As he gets into the taxi, the cabbie says, "Perfect timing! You're just Like Frank."

Passenger: 'Who?'

Cabbie: "Frank Feldman. He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like that to Frank Feldman every single time."

Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."

Cabbie: "Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand-Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone, danced like a Broadway star, and you should have heard him play the piano! He was an amazing guy."

Passenger: "Sounds like he was something really special."

Cabbie: "There's more! He had a memory like a computer He remembered everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order, and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman, he could do everything right."

Passenger: "Wow, some guy then."

Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Frank, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong, and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too. He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman."

Passenger: "An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?"

Cabbie: "Well, I never actually met Frank. He died. I'm married to his damn widow."


----------



## Dr.G.

Good one, Sinc. I am still chuckling out loud.


----------



## ehMax

:lmao:


----------



## gwillikers

*Finally... it's been explained!*

Finally it's been explained!











...

...

...

...


----------



## Dr.G.

Good one, gw.


----------



## Dr.G.

What is Celibacy?

Celibacy can be a choice in life, or a condition imposed by circumstances.

While attending a Marriage Weekend, Carl and his wife, Janet, listened to the instructor declare, 'It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other.' He then addressed the men, 'Can you name and describe your wife's favorite flower?'

Carl leaned over, touched Janet's arm gently, and whispered, 'Robin Hood All-Purpose, isn't it?'


And thus began Carl's life of celibacy.


----------



## rgray

A policeman was being cross-examined by a defence attorney during a felony trial. 

The lawyer was trying to undermine the police officer's credibility... 

Q: 'Officer, did you see my client fleeing the scene?' 
A: 'No sir. But I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender, running several blocks away.'

Q: 'Officer -- who provided this description?' 
A: 'The officer who responded to the scene.' 

Q: 'A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender. Do you trust your fellow officers?' 
A: 'Yes, sir. With my life.'

Q: 'With your life? Let me ask you this then officer. Do you have a room where you change your clothes in preparation for your daily duties?' 
A: 'Yes sir, we do!'

Q: 'And do you have a locker in the room?' 
A: 'Yes sir, I do.'

Q: 'And do you have a lock on your locker?' 
A: 'Yes sir.'

Q: 'Now why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers with your life, you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with these same officers?' 
A: 'You see, sir -- we share the building with the court complex, and sometimes lawyers have been known to walk through that room.'


----------



## imactheknife

The Aisle Seat 

Two Radical Arab Terrorists boarded a flight out of London. One took a window seat and the other sat next to him in the middle seat... Just before takeoff, a U.S. Marine sat down in the aisle seat. After takeoff, the Marine kicked his shoes off, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the Arab in the window seat said, 'I need to get up and get a coke.' 'Don't get up,' said the Marine, 'I'm in the aisle seat, 'I'll get it for you.'


As soon as he left, one of the Arabs picked up one of the Marines shoes and spat in it. When the Marine returned with the coke, the other Arab said, 'That looks good, I'd really like one, too.' Again, the Marine obligingly went to fetch it. While he was gone the other Arab picked up the Marines other shoe and spat in it. When the Marine returned, they all sat back and enjoyed the flight.


As the plane was landing, the Marine slipped his feet into his shoes and knew immediately what had happened. He leaned over and asked his Arab neighbors... 'Why does it have to be this way?' 'How long must this go on? This fighting between our nations? This hatred? This animosity? This spitting in shoes and pissing in cokes?'


THE FEW. THE PROUD. THE MARINES.

Was send to me from a friend....


----------



## KC4

*Tenjooberrymuds*

In order to continue getting-by in Canada (our home land), we all need to learn the NEW English language! Practice by reading the following conversation until you are able to understand the term "TENJOOBERRYMUDS".


With a little patience, you'll be able to fit right in. 
Now, here goes... 


The following is a telephone exchange between maybe you as a hotel guest and call for room-service somewhere in Our Home and Native Land ....... 


Room Service: "Morrin. Roon sirbees." 


Guest: "Sorry, I thought I dialed room-service." 


Room Service: “Rye . Roon sirbees...morrin! Joow ish to oddor sunteen???" 


Guest: "Uh..... Yes, I'd like to order bacon and eggs." 


Room Service: "Ow July den?" 


Guest: ".....What??" 


Room Service: "Ow July den?!?... pryed, boyud, poochd?" 


Guest: "Oh, the eggs! How do I like them? Sorry.. scrambled, please." 


Room Service: "Ow July dee baykem? Crease?" 


Guest: "Crisp will be fine." 


Room Service: "Hokay. An Sahn toes?" 


Guest: "What?" 


Room Service: "An toes. July Sahn toes?" 


Guest: "I.... don't think so." 


RoomService: "No? Judo wan sahn toes???" 


Guest: "I feel really bad about this, but I don't know what 'judo wan sahn toes' means." 


RoomService: "Toes! Toes!...Why Joo don Juan toes? Ow bow Anglish moppin we bodder?" 


Guest: "Oh, English muffin!!! I've got it! You were saying 'toast'... Fine...Yes, an English muffin will be fine." 


RoomService: "We bodder?" 


Guest: "No, just put the bodder on the side." 


RoomService: "Wad?!?" 


Guest: "I mean butter... just put the butter on the side." 


RoomService: "Copy?" 


Guest: "Excuse me?" 


RoomService: "Copy...tea..meel?" 


Guest: "Yes. Coffee, please... and that's everything." 


RoomService: "One Minnie. Scramah egg, crease baykem, Anglish moppin, we bodder on sigh and copy ... rye??" 


Guest: "Whatever you say." 


RoomService: "Tenjooberrymuds.." 


Guest: "You're welcome" 


***
Goddit? Gud!


----------



## rgray

I took my dad to the mall the other day to buy some new shoes (he is 66).

We decided to grab a bite at the food court.

I noticed he was watching a teenager sitting next to him.

The teenager had spiked hair in all different colours - green, red, orange, and blue.

My dad kept staring at him.

The teenager kept looking and would find my dad staring every time.

When the teenager had had enough, he asked sarcastically, “What's the matter old man, never done anything wild in your life?”

Knowing my Dad, I quickly swallowed my food so that I would not choke on his response!

In classic style he responded without batting an eyelid …………

“Got stoned once and screwed a peacock. I was just wondering if you were my son.”


----------



## rgray

*Those Sensitive Newfoundlanders*

Three Newfoundlanders were working up on a cell phone tower: Archie, Dave and Donnie.

As they start their descent, Dave slips, falls off the tower and is killed instantly. As the ambulance takes the body away, Archie says, "Someone should go and tell his wife."

Donnie says, "Okay, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it."

Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of beer. Archie says, "Where did you get that beer, Donnie?"

"Dave's wife gave it to me," Donnie replies.

"That's unbelievable, you told the lady her husband was dead and she gave you a case of beer?"

"Well not exactly," Donnie says. "When she answered the door, I said, 'You must be Dave's widow'. She said, 'You must be mistaken. I'm not a widow.' Then I said, 'I'll bet you a case of beer you are'."


----------



## rgray

A Catholic Priest, an Indian Doctor, a rich Chinese Businessman and a Irish pub owner were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers in front of them.

The Irishman fumed, 'What's with those guys? We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!'

The Indian Doctor chimed in, 'I don't know, but I've never seen such poor golf!'

The Chinese Businessman called out 'Move it, time is money'

The Catholic Priest said, 'Here comes George the greens keeper. Let's have a word with him.'

'Hello, George!', said the Catholic Priest, 'What's wrong with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?'

George the greens keeper replied, 'Oh, yes. That's a group of blind fire fighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime.'

The group fell silent for a moment. The Catholic Priest said, 'That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight.'

The Indian Doctor said, 'Good idea. I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist colleague and see if there's anything he can do for them.'

The Chinese Businessman replied, 'I think I'll donate $50,000 to the fire-fighters in honour of these brave souls'

The Irishman said, 'Why the fock can't they play at night?'


----------



## Bjornbro

*Olny srmat poelpe can raed tihs.*

I cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg. The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid, aoccdrnig to rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit a porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Amzanig huh? yaeh and I awlyas tghuhot slpeling was ipmorantt!


----------



## Dr.G.

Bjornbro said:


> I cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg. The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid, aoccdrnig to rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit a porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Amzanig huh? yaeh and I awlyas tghuhot slpeling was ipmorantt!


I give this to my students each year, Bjornbro. Then, when they are able to read it I ask them how they were able to read it with understanding? This is to get them thinking about their own metacognitive processes of how/when they utilize their syntactic and semantic strategies when reading.


----------



## markceltic

*For Our American Friends*

The Demographics of American Newspapers

1. The Wall Street Journal is read by the people who run the country.

2. The Washington Post is read by people who think they run the country.

3. The New York Times is read by people who think they should run the country and who are very good at crossword puzzles.

4. USA Today is read by people who think they ought to run the country but don't really understand The New York Times. They do, however, like their statistics shown in pie charts.

5. The Los Angeles Times is read by people who wouldn't mind running the country -- if they could find the time -- and if they didn't have to leave Southern California to do it.

6.The Boston Globe is read by people whose parents used to run the country and did a poor job of it, thank you very much.

7. The New York Daily News is read by people who aren't too sure who's running the country and don't really care as long as they can get a seat on the train.

8. The New York Post is read by people who don't care who is running the country as long as they do something really scandalous, preferably while intoxicated.

9. The Miami Herald is read by people who are running another country but need the baseball scores.

10. The San Francisco Chronicle is read by people who aren't sure if there is a country or that anyone is running it; but if so, they oppose all that they stand for. There are occasional exceptions if the leaders are handicapped minority feminist atheist dwarfs who also happen to be illegal aliens from any other country, or galaxy, provided of course, that they are not Republicans.

11. The National Enquirer is read by people trapped in line at the grocery store.

12. The Minneapolis Star Tribune is read by people who have recently caught a fish and need something in which to wrap it.


----------



## Dr.G.

markceltic said:


> The Demographics of American Newspapers
> 
> 1. The Wall Street Journal is read by the people who run the country.
> 
> 2. The Washington Post is read by people who think they run the country.
> 
> 3. The New York Times is read by people who think they should run the country and who are very good at crossword puzzles.
> 
> 4. USA Today is read by people who think they ought to run the country but don't really understand The New York Times. They do, however, like their statistics shown in pie charts.
> 
> 5. The Los Angeles Times is read by people who wouldn't mind running the country -- if they could find the time -- and if they didn't have to leave Southern California to do it.
> 
> 6.The Boston Globe is read by people whose parents used to run the country and did a poor job of it, thank you very much.
> 
> 7. The New York Daily News is read by people who aren't too sure who's running the country and don't really care as long as they can get a seat on the train.
> 
> 8. The New York Post is read by people who don't care who is running the country as long as they do something really scandalous, preferably while intoxicated.
> 
> 9. The Miami Herald is read by people who are running another country but need the baseball scores.
> 
> 10. The San Francisco Chronicle is read by people who aren't sure if there is a country or that anyone is running it; but if so, they oppose all that they stand for. There are occasional exceptions if the leaders are handicapped minority feminist atheist dwarfs who also happen to be illegal aliens from any other country, or galaxy, provided of course, that they are not Republicans.
> 
> 11. The National Enquirer is read by people trapped in line at the grocery store.
> 
> 12. The Minneapolis Star Tribune is read by people who have recently caught a fish and need something in which to wrap it.



Good one. :lmao::lmao: I have read all of these papers other than the Miami Herald and the Minn. Star Tribune.


----------



## rgray

Bjornbro said:


> I cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg. The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid, aoccdrnig to rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit a porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Amzanig huh? yaeh and I awlyas tghuhot slpeling was ipmorantt!


hwveoer, it is irmtoapnt to ntoe taht wrod shpae is still key to dciensirng mnaieng at a dtsicnae. the biitsrh raod sgin sstyem in one of the few in the wrlod to use lweor csae ltertes, siellcfipacy beuasce it isecearns the viibsility of the worpdshae wohtuit iincsreang fnot szie and thrfeeore csot.

lebilgy slacmbre yuor own sneenctes here (link not salrcembd):
Letter Jumbler @ kryptech.name


----------



## Dr.G.

rgray said:


> hwveoer, it is irmtoapnt to ntoe taht wrod shpae is still key to dciensirng mnaieng at a dtsicnae. the biitsrh raod sgin sstyem in one of the few in the wrlod to use lweor csae ltertes, siellcfipacy beuasce it isecearns the viibsility of the worpdshae wohtuit iincsreang fnot szie and thrfeeore csot.
> 
> lebilgy slacmbre yuor own sneenctes here (link not salrcembd):
> Letter Jumbler @ kryptech.name


Sorry, rgray, but the shape or configuration of the word does not really help in the decoding of this sort of orthography. Your knowledge of the syntactic and semantic nature of our language helps you to predict the word from just the first letter and then instantly confirm or reject the word when looking at the rest of the letters. Studies have shown that this takes place in apx. 1/8 of a second. Amazing. Paix, mon ami.


----------



## KC4

I went to the doctor for my yearly check-up.

The nurse started with certain basics.
  
"How much do you weigh?" she asked.
 
"135," I said.
 
The nurse put me on the scale.   It turns out my weight is 180.  

The nurse asked, "Your height?"
 
"5 foot 5," I said. 

The nurse checked and saw that I only measure 5' 2".  

She then took my blood pressure and told me that it is very high.

  "Of course it's high!" I screamed.
“When I came in here I  was tall and slender! Now I'm short and overweight!"

  She put me on Prozac.

  What a b*tch.


----------



## markceltic

Americans and their knowledge of C anada 

A Saskatchewan farmer and his wife, on their way back home in January, 
are at the airport in New York awaiting their flight. They are dressed in 
heavy boots, parka, scarf, mittens, etc.. An older couple standing nearby is 
intrigued by their manner of dress.

The wife says to the husband: "Look at that couple. I wonder where they're 
from."

He replies: "How would I know?"

She counters: "You could go and ask them."

He says: "I don't really care. You want to know, you go and ask them."

She decides to do just that and walks over to the couple and asks, "Excuse 
me. Looking at your dress, I wondered where you're from.."

The farmer replies: " Saskatoon , Saskatchewan ".

The woman returns to her husband who asks: "So, where are they from?"

She replies: "I don't know. They don't speak English"


----------



## simon

I was in the pub yesterday when I suddenly realized I desperately needed to fart. The music was really, really loud, so I timed my farts with the beat.

After a couple of songs, I started to feel better. I finished my pint and noticed that everybody was staring at me.

Then I suddenly remembered that I was listening to my iPod


----------



## SINC

What to do when you're bored on a plane or in a restaurant/bar and the fellow in the seat next to you is a pain in the butt:

STEP 1. Take your computer out of the case;  

STEP 2. Slowly and decidedly open the screen;  

STEP 3. Turn the computer on;

  STEP 4. Make sure your fellow passenger is watching;  

STEP 5. Connect to the Internet;

  STEP 6. Close your eyes for a brief moment, and then open them again and look upwards to the sky;

STEP 7. Breath deeply and open this site: The End!

  STEP 8. Observe the facial expression of your fellow passenger.


----------



## RatsOnMacAttack

Thats hilarious, but I noticed the seconds dont match up with the countdown. ie, the seconds dont change when the milliseconds (?) reach zero.


----------



## Macfury

RatsOnMacAttack said:


> Thats hilarious, but I noticed the seconds dont match up with the countdown. ie, the seconds dont change when the milliseconds (?) reach zero.


Of course not! If they did, the laptop would explode!!


----------



## Aurora

Two Irishmen are sitting in a pub and one says to the other
"You look familiar lad. Where are ye from?"
The other one says "Dublin"
"Well, so am I. What school did ye attend?"
"St.John's Collegiate"
"Me too. When did ye graduate?"
The other says " '63"
"Well doesn't that take the cake. So did I"
This goes on and meanwhile, another man walks into the pub and asks the bartender if anything is going on that night.
"Not much" replies the bartender but the O'Malley twins are drunk again"


----------



## SINC

*The Black Bra (as told by a woman)*

I had lunch with two of my unmarried friends. One is engaged, one is a mistress, and I have been married for 20 plus years.

We were chatting about our relationships and decided to amaze our men by greeting them at the door wearing a black bra, stiletto heels and a mask over our eyes. We agreed to meet in a few days to exchange notes.

Here's how it all went.

*My engaged friend:* The other night when my boyfriend came over he found me with a black leather bodice, tall stilettos and a mask. He saw me and said, 'You are the woman of my dreams. I love you.' Then we made passionate love all nightlong.

*The mistress:* Me too! The other night I met my lover at his office and I was wearing a raincoat, under it only the black bra, heels and mask over my eyes. When I opened the raincoat he didn't say a word, but he started to tremble and we had wild sex all night.

*Then I had to share my story:* When my husband came home I was wearing the black bra, black stockings, stilettos and a mask over my eyes. When he came in the door and saw me he said, "What's for dinner, Batman?"


----------



## DR Hannon

Sinc, beer just came out of my nose, that was good.


----------



## SINC

DR Hannon said:


> Sinc, beer just came out of my nose, that was good.


You ought to see the pic that came with it that I couldn't post! beejacon


----------



## Aurora

Muslim suicide bombers in Britain are set to begin a three-day strike on Monday in a dispute over the number of virgins they are entitled to in the afterlife. Emergency talks with Al Qaeda have so far failed to produce an agreement

The unrest began last Tuesday when Al Qaeda announced that the number of virgins a suicide bomber would receive after his death will be cut by 25% this February from 72 to only 60. The rationale for the cut was the increase in recent years of the number of suicide bombings and a subsequent shortage of virgins in the afterlife.

The suicide bombers' union, the British Organization of Occupational Martyrs ( or B.O.O.M. ) responded with a statement that this was unacceptable to its members and immediately balloted for strike action. General Secretary Abdullah Amir told the press, "Our members are literally working themselves to death in the cause of Jihad. We don't ask for much in return but to be treated like this is like a kick in the teeth".

Speaking from his shed in Tipton in the West Midlands in which he currently resides, Al Qaeda chief executive Osama bin Laden explained, "We sympathize with our workers concerns but Al Qaeda is simply not in a position to meet their demands. They are simply not accepting the realities of modern-day Jihad in a competitive marketplace.

Thanks to Western depravity, there is now a chronic shortage of virgins in the afterlife. It's a straight choice between reducing expenditure and laying people off. I don't like cutting wages but I'd hate to have to tell 3000 of my staff that they won't be able to blow themselves up."

Spokespersons for the union in the North East of England, Ireland, Wales and the entire Australian continent stated that the strike would not affect their operations as "There are no virgins in their areas anyway".

Apparently the drop in the number of suicide bombings has been put down to the emergence of that Scottish singing star, Susan Boyle - now that Muslims know what a virgin looks like that they are not so keen on going to paradise.


----------



## Bjornbro

*How to Tell the Sex of a Fly*

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter.

"What are you doing?" She asked.

"Hunting Flies" He responded.

"Oh! Killing any?" She asked.

"Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied. 

Intrigued, she asked. "How can you tell them apart?"

He responded, "3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone.


----------



## ScanMan

A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier..

Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedules. So, the husband left Minnesota and flew to Florida on Thursday, with his wife flying down the following day. The husband checked into the hotel. To his surprise, there was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an email to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email address, and without realizing his error, sent the email.

Meanwhile, somewhere in Houston, a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral. He was a minister who was called home to glory following a heart attack.

The widow decided to check her email expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she screamed and fainted.

The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:

To: My Loving Wife

Subject: I've Arrived

Date: November 16, 2009

I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send emails to your loved ones.

I've just arrived and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow.

Looking forward to seeing you then! Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.

p.s. Sure is freaking hot down here!


----------



## Dr.G.

Final Exam

At Penn State University, there were four sophomores taking chemistry and all of them had an 'A' so far. These four friends were so confident that, the weekend before finals, they decided to visit some friends and have a big party. They had a great time but, after all the hearty partying they slept all day Sunday and didn't make it back to Penn State until early Monday morning.

Rather than taking the final then, they decided that after the final they would explain to their professor why they missed it. They said that they visited friends but on the way back they had a flat tire. As a result, they missed the final. The professor agreed they could make up the final the next day. The guys were excited and relieved. They studied that night for the exam.

The next day the Professor placed them in separate rooms and gave them a test booklet. They quickly answered the first problem worth 5 points. Cool, they thought! Each one in separate rooms, thinking this was going to be easy... then they turned the page. On the second page was written...


For 95 points: Which tire? _________


----------



## eMacMan

Dr.G. said:


> For 95 points: Which tire? _________


That one is easy. After far too many flats over a 40+ year driving career, I can establish that if you have a flat, the odds are roughly 90% that it will be the right rear.tptptptp


----------



## Dr.G.

eMacMan said:


> That one is easy. After far too many flats over a 40+ year driving career, I can establish that if you have a flat, the odds are roughly 90% that it will be the right rear.tptptptp


An interesting speculation, eMacMan. Of course, if all four don't get the same answer, someone is not going to pass Chemistry. 

Paix, mon ami.


----------



## SINC

A Saskatchewan farmer and his wife, on their way back home in January, are at the airport in New York awaiting their flight. 

They are dressed in heavy boots, parka, scarf, mittens, etc.. 

An older couple standing nearby is intrigued by their manner of dress. The wife says to the husband: "Look at that couple. I wonder where they're from?" 

He replies: "How would I know?" 

She counters: "You could go and ask them." 

He says: "I don't really care. You want to know, you go and ask them." 

She decides to do just that and walks over to the couple and asks, "Excuse me. Looking at your dress, I wondered where you're from.." 

The farmer replies: " Saskatoon, Saskatchewan ". 

The woman returns to her husband who asks: "So, where are they from?" 

She replies: "I don't know. They don't speak English"


----------



## CubaMark

*This may not qualify as a joke, but it sure is funny... and something you can use!* 



> _Laszlo Thoth's bank has a security procedure that uses customer-created questions and answers. When you call the bank, the customer service rep asks you the question, and you provide the answer. Here are some sample Q&A's that Thoth and his readers came up with._
> 
> Q: Need any weed? Grass? Kind bud? Shrooms?
> A: No thanks hippie, I'd just like to do some banking.
> 
> Q: What the hell is your ****ing problem, sir?
> A: This is completely inappropriate and I'd like to speak to your supervisor.
> 
> Q: Are you really who you say you are?
> A: No, I am a Russian identity thief.
> 
> Q: Your voice is really turning me on.
> A: I like where this is going. Tell me more.
> 
> Q: Do you know the answer to your secret question?
> A: I'm sorry, I'm having trouble hearing you. Can you repeat that?


(BoingBoing)


----------



## SINC

On his 74th birthday, a man received a gift certificate from his wife. The certificate paid for a visit to a medicine man living on a nearby reservation who was rumored to have a wonderful cure for erectile dysfunction. 

After being persuaded, he drove to the reservation, handed his ticket to the medicine man. The old man slowly, methodically produced a potion, handed it to him, and with a grip on his shoulder, warned, "This is powerful medicine and it must be respected. You take only a teaspoonful and then say '1-2-3'. When you do that, you will become more manly than you have ever been in your life and you can perform as long as you want."

The man was encouraged. As he walked away, he turned and asked, "How do I stop the medicine from working?" "Your partner must say'1-2-3-4,' he responded, "But when she does, the medicine will not work again until the next full moon."

He was very eager to see if it worked so he went home, showered, shaved, took a spoonful of the medicine, and then invited his wife to join him in the bedroom. When she came in, He took off his clothes and said, "1-2-3!" 

Immediately, he was the manliest of men. His wife was excited and began throwing off her clothes. And then she asked, "What was the 1-2-3 for?"


And that, boys and girls, is why we should never end our sentences with a preposition because we could end up with a dangling participle.


----------



## Dr.G.

SINC said:


> On his 74th birthday, a man received a gift certificate from his wife. The certificate paid for a visit to a medicine man living on a nearby reservation who was rumored to have a wonderful cure for erectile dysfunction.
> 
> After being persuaded, he drove to the reservation, handed his ticket to the medicine man. The old man slowly, methodically produced a potion, handed it to him, and with a grip on his shoulder, warned, "This is powerful medicine and it must be respected. You take only a teaspoonful and then say '1-2-3'. When you do that, you will become more manly than you have ever been in your life and you can perform as long as you want."
> 
> The man was encouraged. As he walked away, he turned and asked, "How do I stop the medicine from working?" "Your partner must say'1-2-3-4,' he responded, "But when she does, the medicine will not work again until the next full moon."
> 
> He was very eager to see if it worked so he went home, showered, shaved, took a spoonful of the medicine, and then invited his wife to join him in the bedroom. When she came in, He took off his clothes and said, "1-2-3!"
> 
> Immediately, he was the manliest of men. His wife was excited and began throwing off her clothes. And then she asked, "What was the 1-2-3 for?"
> 
> 
> And that, boys and girls, is why we should never end our sentences with a preposition because we could end up with a dangling participle.


Really good one, Sinc. :lmao::clap::lmao:


----------



## gwillikers

*Bacon Tree*

Two Mexicans are stuck in the desert after crossing into the United States , wandering aimlessly and starving. They are about to just lie down and wait for death, when all of a sudden Luis says.........

"Hey Pepe, do you smell what I smell. Ees bacon, I theenk."

"Si, Luis, eet sure smells like bacon. "

With renewed hope they struggle up the next sand dune, & there, in the distance, is a tree loaded with bacon.

There's raw bacon, there's fried bacon, back bacon, double smoked bacon ... every imaginable kind of cured pork.

"Pepe, Pepe, we ees saved. Ees a bacon tree."

"Luis, maybe ees a meerage? We ees in the desert don't forget."

"Pepe, since when deed you ever hear of a meerage that smell like bacon...ees no meerage, ees a bacon tree."

And with that, Luis staggers towards the tree. He gets to within 5 metres, Pepe crawling close behind, when suddenly a machine gun opens up, and Luis drops like a wet sock. Mortally wounded, he warns Pepe with his dying breath,

"Pepe... go back man, you was right, ees not a bacon tree!"

"Luis, Luis mi amigo... what ees it? "

"Pepe.. ees not a bacon tree. Ees


Ees


Ees


Ees



Ees a ham bush...."


----------



## Dr.G.

gwillikers said:


> Two Mexicans are stuck in the desert after crossing into the United States , wandering aimlessly and starving. They are about to just lie down and wait for death, when all of a sudden Luis says.........
> 
> "Hey Pepe, do you smell what I smell. Ees bacon, I theenk."
> 
> "Si, Luis, eet sure smells like bacon. "
> 
> With renewed hope they struggle up the next sand dune, & there, in the distance, is a tree loaded with bacon.
> 
> There's raw bacon, there's fried bacon, back bacon, double smoked bacon ... every imaginable kind of cured pork.
> 
> "Pepe, Pepe, we ees saved. Ees a bacon tree."
> 
> "Luis, maybe ees a meerage? We ees in the desert don't forget."
> 
> "Pepe, since when deed you ever hear of a meerage that smell like bacon...ees no meerage, ees a bacon tree."
> 
> And with that, Luis staggers towards the tree. He gets to within 5 metres, Pepe crawling close behind, when suddenly a machine gun opens up, and Luis drops like a wet sock. Mortally wounded, he warns Pepe with his dying breath,
> 
> "Pepe... go back man, you was right, ees not a bacon tree!"
> 
> "Luis, Luis mi amigo... what ees it? "
> 
> "Pepe.. ees not a bacon tree. Ees
> 
> 
> Ees
> 
> 
> Ees
> 
> 
> Ees
> 
> 
> 
> Ees a ham bush...."


Did not see that one coming, gw.


----------



## SINC

How about the two old men, one a retired professor of psychology and the other a retired professor of history. 

Their wives had talked them into a two week stay at a hotel in the Catskills. 

They were sitting around on the porch of the hotel watching the sun set.

The history professor said to the psychology professor, "Have you read Marx?" 

To which the professor of psychology said, "Yes, I think it's the wicker chairs."


----------



## CubaMark

> Every time my mother sends me an email, she types the email in Word and then attaches the document to a blank email.
> *–Pat W​*


(Lots more at College Humour)


----------



## gwillikers

A woman was in town on a shopping trip. She began her day finding the most perfect shoes in the first shop and a beautiful dress on sale in the second. In the third, everything had just been reduced by 50%, when her mobile phone rang.

It was a female doctor notifying her that her husband had just been in a terrible car accident and was in critical condition and in the ICU.

The woman told the doctor to inform her husband where she was and that she'd be there as soon as possible. As she hung up she realized she was leaving what was shaping up to be her best day ever in the boutiques... she decided to get in a couple of more shops before heading to the hospital.

She ended up shopping the rest of the morning, finishing her trip with a cup of coffee and a beautiful chocolate cake slice, compliments of the last shop. She was jubilant.

Then she remembered her husband. Feeling guilty, she dashed to the hospital.

She saw the doctor in the corridor and asked about her husband's condition.. The lady doctor glared at her and shouted, "You went ahead and finished your shopping trip didn't you! I hope you're proud of yourself! While you were out for the past four hours enjoying yourself in town, your husband has been languishing in the Intensive Care Unit! It's just as well you went ahead and finished, because it will more than likely be the last shopping trip you ever take! For the rest of his life he will require round-the-clock care. And he will now be your career!"

The woman was feeling so guilty she broke down and sobbed.

The lady doctor then chuckled and said, "I'm just pulling your leg. He's dead. Show me what you bought."


----------



## Dr.G.

Good one, gw. Just sent this on to my wife.


----------



## KC4

Hahaaaahaaa gwillikers, that's a great one.


----------



## Dr.G.

KC4 said:


> Hahaaaahaaa gwillikers, that's a great one.


My wife thought so too, KC4.


----------



## markceltic

It's a slow day in a little Saskatchewan town. The sun is beating down, and the streets are deserted. Times are tough, everybody is in debt, and everybody lives on credit.............

On this particular day a rich tourist from back east is driving through town. He stops at the motel and lays a $100 bill on the desk saying he wants to inspect the rooms upstairs in order to pick one to spend the night.

As soon as the man walks upstairs, the owner grabs the bill and runs next door to pay his debt to the butcher.
The butcher takes the $100 and runs down the street to retire his debt to the pig farmer.
The pig farmer takes the $100 and heads off to pay his bill at the supplier of feed and fuel.
The guy at the Farmer's Co-op takes the $100 and runs to pay his debt to the local prostitute, 
Who has also been facing hard times and has had to offer her "services" on credit.
The hooker rushes to the hotel and pays off her room bill with the hotel owner.
The hotel proprietor then places the $100 back on the counter so the rich traveler will not suspect anything.

At that moment the traveler comes down the stairs, picks up the $100 bill, states that the rooms are not satisfactory, pockets the money, and leaves town.

No one produced anything. No one earned anything. However, the whole town is now out of debt and now looks to the future with great optimism.

And that, ladies and gentlemen, is how Governments conduct business today.


----------



## winwintoo

After having dug to a depth of 10 feet last year, Toronto scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 100 years and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 100 years ago. 

Not to be outdone by the Ontarians, in the weeks that followed, a Vancouver archaeologist dug to a depth of 20 feet, and shortly after, a story published in the Vancouver Province: "BC archaeologists, finding traces of 130-year-old copper wire, have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network 30 years earlier than Ontario". 

One week later, the Saskatoon Star Phoenix in Saskatoon, reported the following: "After digging as deep as 30 feet in his backyard in Saskatoon, Saskatchewan, James Krawchuk, a self-taught archaeologist, reported that he found absolutely bugger all. James has therefore concluded that 150 years ago, Saskatchewan had already gone wireless."

Just makes you proud to be from Saskatchewan!


----------



## Bjornbro

There were three Indian squaws. One slept on a deerskin, one slept on an elk skin, and the third slept on a hippopotamus skin. All three became pregnant. The first two each had a baby boy. The one who slept on the hippopotamus skin had twin boys.

This just goes to prove that ... the squaw of the hippopotamus is equal to the sons of the squaws of the other two hides.


----------



## Aurora

After Nigeria was eliminated from the world cup The Nigerian goalkeeper has personally offered to refund all the expenses of fans who travelled to South Africa. 


He said he just needs their bank details and pin numbers to complete the transaction.


----------



## Dr.G.

Daddy, how was I born?

A little boy goes to his father and asks 'Daddy, how was I born ?' 

The father answers, 'Well, son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway! Your Mom and I first got together in a chat room in ehMacLand. Then I set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber-cafe. We sneaked into a secluded room, and googled each other. There your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button , nine months later a little Pop-Up appeared that said: 


Scroll down...........



















You got Male!


----------



## gwillikers

The preacher said, "Anyone with 'special needs' who wants to be prayed over, please come forward to the front by the altar." 

With that, Leroy got in line, and when it was his turn, the Preacher asked, "Leroy, what do you want me to pray about for you?"

Leroy replied, "Preacher, I need you to pray for help with my hearing." The preacher put one finger of one hand in Leroy's ear, placed his other hand on top of Leroy's head, and then prayed and prayed and prayed. He prayed a "blue streak" for Leroy, and the whole congregation joined in with great enthusiasm.

After a few minutes, the preacher removed his hands, stood back and asked, "Leroy, how is your hearing now?"

Leroy answered, "I don't know. It ain't 'til next week."


----------



## SINC

Talk About Friggin' Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder . . . 

I recently came back from a tour of duty in Afghanistan. Having not seen my wife for several months, I was looking forward to a night of hot passionate sex with her.

Unfortunately she came out of the shower with a towel wrapped round her head and I shot her.


----------



## Aurora

Sinc, I laughed out loud at that one.


----------



## Dr.G.

The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for answered prayers. Suzie Jinglestars stood and walked to the podium. She said, "I have a praise. Two months ago, my husband, Joseph, had a terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help him." You could hear a muffled gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagine the pain that poor Joseph must have experienced. "Joseph was unable to hold me or the children," she went on, "and every move caused him terrible pain." We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation, and it turned out they were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Joseph's scrotum, and wrap wire around it to hold it in place." Again, the men in the congregation cringed and squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Joseph. "Now," she announced in a quivering voice, "thank the Lord, Joseph is out of the hospital and the doctors say that with time, his scrotum should recover completely." All the men sighed with unified relief. 

The pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had something to say. A man stood up and walked slowly to the podium. He said, "I'm Joseph Jinglestars." The entire congregation held its breath. "I just want to tell my wife the word is sternum."


----------



## SINC

A teacher asks the class to name things that end with 'tor' that eat things.

The first little boy says, "Alligator."

"Very good, that's a big word."

The second boy says, "Predator."

"Yes, that's another big word. Well done."

Little Johnny says, "Vibrator, Miss."

After nearly falling off her chair, she says, "That is a big word, but it doesn't eat anything."

"Well my sister has one and she says it eats frigging batteries like there's no tomorrow!"


----------



## Aurora

Two men are out fishing, when one of them desides to light up a cigar, but realizes he forgot his matches.
"You got a light?" he asks. "Sure do"' his friend replies.
So out of his tackle box he pulls out a 12" tall Bic Lighter. His friend lights his cigar and says "that is a really cool lighter, where did you get it?"
"I got it from my Genie" he replies. 
"You have a Genie?"
"I sure do"
"Do you think he would grant me a wish?"
"Sure he will" his friend replies.
So out of his tackle box comes a lamp, and the Genie is brought forth.
"I wish I had a million bucks" says the man.
"OK" says the Genie.
Suddenly the sky begins to darken, and a roar is heard overhead. The roar turn into wings flapping, and soon there are ducks everywhere, in the water, on the boat,,,,You guessed it, a million ducks.
The man turns to his friend and says "Whats this?"
"I forgot to tell you my Genie is a little hard of hearing. You didn't really think I wished for a 12" Bic, did you?"
__________________


----------



## gwillikers

During a visit to my doctor, I asked him, "How do you determine whether or not an older person should be put in an old age home?" 
"Well," he said, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the person to empty the bathtub." 
"Oh, I understand," I said. "A normal person would use the bucket because it is bigger than the spoon or the teacup."

"No" he said. "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?"


----------



## SINC

:lmao: That's a real knee-slapper Howie! Thanks, I needed that. :clap:


----------



## SINC

* Scare At Commonwealth Stadium*

Training at the CFL Edmonton Eskimo's stadium was delayed nearly two hours recently, after a player reported finding an unknown white powdery substance on the ground.

Initially the CFL team thought it was a prank!

Training was immediately suspended, while police and security officials were called to investigate.

After a complete analysis, police experts determined that the white substance, unfamiliar to most of the players, was in fact, the goal line.

Practice resumed after police and security decided the team was unlikely to encounter the substance again.


----------



## Dr.G.

SINC said:


> * Scare At Commonwealth Stadium*
> 
> Training at the CFL Edmonton Eskimo's stadium was delayed nearly two hours recently, after a player reported finding an unknown white powdery substance on the ground.
> 
> Initially the CFL team thought it was a prank!
> 
> Training was immediately suspended, while police and security officials were called to investigate.
> 
> After a complete analysis, police experts determined that the white substance, unfamiliar to most of the players, was in fact, the goal line.
> 
> Practice resumed after police and security decided the team was unlikely to encounter the substance again.


Spoken like a true SK RoughRiders fan.


----------



## rgray

Dr.G. said:


> Spoken like a true SK RoughRiders fan.


.... or any fan of the CFL who like to see a team that shows up to actually play...


----------



## rgray

*King Arthur and the Witch*

Young King Arthur was ambushed and imprisoned by the monarch of a neighboring kingdom. The monarch could have killed him but was moved by Arthur's youth and ideals. So, the monarch offered him his freedom, as long as he could answer a very difficult question. Arthur would have a year to figure out the answer and, if after a year, he still had no answer, he would be put to death.

The question? ... What do women really want? Such a question would perplex even the most knowledgeable man, and to young Arthur, it seemed an impossible query. But, since it was better than death, he accepted the monarch's proposition to have an answer by year's end.

He returned to his kingdom and began to poll everyone: the princess, the priests, the wise men and even the court jester. He spoke with everyone, but no one could give him a satisfactory answer.

Many people advised him to consult the old witch, for only she would have the answer.

But the price would be high, as the witch was famous throughout the kingdom for the exorbitant prices she charged.

The last day of the year arrived and Arthur had no choice but to talk to the witch. She agreed to answer the question, but he would have to agree to her price first.

The old witch wanted to marry Sir Lancelot, the most noble of the Knights of the Round Table and Arthur's closest friend!

Young Arthur was horrified. She was hunchbacked and hideous, had only one tooth, smelled like sewage, made obscene noises, etc. He had never encountered such a repugnant creature in all his life.

He refused to force his friend to marry her and endure such a terrible burden; but Lancelot, learning of the proposal, spoke with Arthur

He said nothing was too big of a sacrifice compared to Arthur's life and the preservation of the Round Table.

Hence, a wedding was proclaimed and the witch answered Arthur's question thus:

What a woman really wants, she answered ... is to be in charge of her own life.

Everyone in the kingdom instantly knew that the witch had uttered a great truth and that Arthur's life would be spared.

And so it was, that the neighboring monarch granted Arthur his freedom and Lancelot and the witch had a wonderful wedding.

The honeymoon night approached and Lancelot, steeling himself for a horrific experience, entered the bedroom. But what a sight awaited him! The most beautiful woman he had ever seen lay before him on the bed. The astounded Lancelot asked what had happened.

The beauty replied that since he had been so kind to her when she appeared as a witch, she would henceforth be her horrible deformed self only half the time and the beautiful maiden the other half.

Which would he prefer? Beautiful during the day ... or night?

Lancelot pondered the predicament. During the day, a beautiful woman to show off to his friends, but at night, in the privacy of his castle, an old witch? Or, would he prefer having a hideous witch during the day, but by night, a beautiful woman for him to enjoy wondrous intimate moments?

What would YOU do?

What Lancelot chose is below.


BUT ... make YOUR choice before you look below.


OKAY?
Noble Lancelot said that he would allow HER to make the choice herself.
Upon hearing this, she announced that she would be beautiful all the time because he had respected her enough to let her be in charge of her own life.
Now ... what is the moral to this story?


The moral is ...
If you don't let a woman have her own way ...
Things are going to get ugly!


----------



## KC4

A blonde was going door to door looking for odd jobs to make some cash.

One neighbor told her that she could have the job of repainting his porch. She agreed to take the job. 

He told her the paint and brushes were in the garage and if she was comfortable doing so, she could get herself set up and paint away at her own pace. She was asked to come to the back yard when she was finished, so he would know to come out front to inspect her work before paying her. 

Only 30 minutes later, she appeared in the back yard, splattered with paint. "I'm done!" she announced. 

He was surprised that she had already finished such a large job. "Oh, yeah" she said, "I even did a second coat!"

As they were walking from the back to the front yard to inspect her work, she added,
"Oh, I must tell you. That's not actually a porch. It's a Lexus!"


----------



## irontree

Here's a good one now that hockey season is upon us. 

Q: what does a Leaf fan do after they win the Stanley Cup?
A: they turn off their Playstation


----------



## winwintoo

Just in case you are having a rough day (week, year, and life), here is a stress management technique recommended in all the latest psychological journals. 
The funny thing is that it really does work and will make you smile. 



1. Picture yourself lying on your tummy on a warm rock that hangs out over a crystal clear stream. 

2. Picture yourself with both your hands dangling in the cool running water. 

3. Birds are sweetly singing in the cool mountain air. 

4. No one knows your secret place. 

5. You are in total seclusion from that hectic place called the world. 

6. The soothing sound of a gentle waterfall fills the air with a cascade of serenity. 

7. The water is so crystal clear that you can easily make out the face of the person you are holding underwater.


----------



## rgray

*A woman takes a lover home........*

A woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work. 

Her 9-year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them and hides in the bedroom closet to watch. 

The woman's husband also comes home. She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in there already. 

The little boy says, ' Dark in here.' 

The man says, 'Yes, it is.' 

Boy: 'I have a baseball..' 

Man: 'That's nice' 

Boy: 'Want to buy it?' 

Man: 'No, thanks.' 

Boy: 'My Dad's outside.' 

Man: 'OK, how much?' 

Boy: '$250' 

In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the closet together. 

Boy: 'Dark in here.' 

Man: 'Yes, it is.' 

Boy: 'I have a baseball glove.' 

The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy, 'How much?' 

Boy: '$750' 

Man: 'Sold.' 

A few days later, the Dad says to the boy, 'Grab your glove, let's go outside and have a game of catch.' 

The boy says, 'I can't, I sold my baseball and my glove.' 

The Dad asks, 'How much did you sell them for?' 

Boy: '$1,000' 

The Dad says, 'That's terrible to over charge your friends like that...that is way more than those two things cost. I'm taking you to church, to confession.'

They go to the church and the Dad makes the little boy sit in the confessional booth and closes the door.. 

The boy says, 'Dark in here.' 

The priest says, 'Don't start that sh*t again; you're in my closet now.'


----------



## SINC

A man is jumping up and down on a man hole cover in downtown Toronto, saying "88 ... 88 ... 88" each time he jumps.

A hot shot suit wearing Torontonian walks by, and asks, "What are you doing?"

The man replies, "I bet you couldn't do this."

So, not to be outdone, the Torontonian stands on the sewer lid and starts jumping and saying "88". However, while he is jumping up, the man slides the sewer cap out from under him, causing him to fall into the hole it was covering.

He then replaces the cap and begins jumping again.

"89 ... 89 ... 89 ... 89"


----------



## SINC

*New Kneeling High Jump Record!*

I know that some of you may not be terribly interested in the achievements of athletes competing in lesser-known events, but this one struck me as noteworthy, as I am sure you will agree. 

Are you aware that a new world record has been set for the high jump from a kneeling position? 

The record is 0.757 meters or a little over 27 inches (remember, this is from a kneeling position), was set recently on a beach near Montpellier in Southern France. 

This photograph was taken a split second before the jump, but it gives you an idea as to how it was achieved.


----------



## irontree

Senior Citizen

Yesterday my wife asked why I didn't do something useful with my time. She suggested I go down to the senior center and hang out with the guys.
I did this and when I got home last night I told her that I had joined a parachute club.
She said "are you nuts? You're 72 years old and you're going to start jumping out of air planes?"
I proudly showed her that I even got a membership card.
She said to me, "You idiot, where are your glasses! This is a membership to a Prostitute Club, not a Parachute Club!"
I'm in trouble again and don't know what to do! I signed up for five jumps a week!


Life as a senior citizen is not getting any easier.


----------



## patrickz

What did the bartender say to the horse?

Why the long face?


----------



## patrickz

A screwdriver walks into a bar. The bartender says "hey, we have a drink named after you." The screwdriver says "You have a drink named Dave?"


----------



## Captstn

From Ireland where driving while under the influence is considered a sport, comes this story. (Only the Irish could think of this). 

Recently a routine police patrol was parked outside a bar in Donegal Town . After last call, the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so apparently intoxicated that he could barely walk. The man stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing. 

After what seemed an eternity, in which he tried his keys on five different vehicles, the man managed to find his car and fall into it. He sat there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off.. 

Finally he started the car, switched the wipers on and off; it was a fine, dry summer night, flicked the blinkers on and off a couple of times, honked the horn and then switched on the lights. He moved the vehicle forward a few inches, reversed a little, and then remained still for a few more minutes as some more of the other patrons' vehicles left. 

At last, when his was the only car left in the parking lot, he pulled out and drove slowly down the road. The police officer, having waited patiently all this time, now started up his patrol car, put on the flashing lights, and promptly pulled the man over and administered a breathalyser test. 

To his amazement, the breathalyser indicated no evidence that the man had consumed any alcohol at all! Dumbfounded, the officer said, 'I'll have to ask you to accompany me to the police station. This breathalyser equipment must be broken.' 

'I doubt it,' said Paddy , truly proud of him self. 'Tonight I'm the designated decoy!

Cheers


----------



## KC4

An Amish lady is trotting down the road in her horse and buggy when she is pulled over by a cop.

"Ma'am, I'm not going to ticket you, but I do have to issue you a warning. 
You have a broken reflector on your buggy."

Oh, I'll let my husband Jacob know, as soon as I get home."

"That's fine. Another thing, ma'am. I don't like the way that one rein loops across the horse's back and around one of his testicles. I consider that animal abuse. That's cruelty to animals. Have your husband take care of that right away!"

Later that day, the lady is home telling her husband about her encounter with the cop. "Well, dear, what exactly did he say?"

"He said the reflector is broken."

"I can fix that in two minutes. What else?"

"I'm not sure, Jacob......something about the emergency brake......"


----------



## Captstn

A recent study found
the average Canadian walks
about 900 miles a year.


Another study found
Canadians drink,
on average,
22 gallons of beer a year.


That means,
on average,
Canadians get about 41 miles to the gallon.


Kind Of Makes You Proud To Be Canadian,

doesn't it??!!


----------



## isnipezunes

*pilot joke*

how do you know if your half way through a date with a pilot?
he'll say: thats enough about flying, now lets talk about me!

how do you know in a pilot is at your party?
He'll tell you


----------



## rgray

*Researchers find the official 50 funniest jokes of all time*

Researchers find the official 50 funniest jokes of all time | Mail Online




> THE TOP 10
> 10. 'A man walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac under his arm and says: "Pint please, and one for the road." '
> 9. I'm on a whiskey diet. I've lost three days already.
> 8. Another one was: Doc, I can't stop singing the 'Green Green Grass of Home'. He said: 'That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome'. 'Is it common?'I asked. 'It's not unusual' he replied.
> 7. Two aerials meet on a roof - fall in love - get married. The ceremony was rubbish - but the reception was brilliant.
> 6. Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one - and let the other one off.
> 5. 'I said to the Gym instructor "Can you teach me to do the splits?" He said, "How flexible are you?" I said, "I can't make Tuesdays"'
> 4. 'A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun. The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself. Hysterically the blonde responds to the husband, "Shut up...you're next!" '.
> 3. 'Dyslexic man walks into a bra...'
> 2. 'I went to the zoo the other day, there was only one dog in it, it was a ****zu.'
> 1. A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: 'Ugh, that's the ugliest baby I've ever seen!' The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: 'The driver just insulted me!' The man says: 'You go up there and tell him off. Go on, I'll hold your monkey for you.'


----------



## gwillikers

:lmao::lmao::lmao::lmao:


----------



## Dr.G.

gwillikers said:


> :lmao::lmao::lmao::lmao:


Another good one, gw. Saw that one coming .............. :lmao::clap:


----------



## gwillikers

A little girl asked her mom, “Mom may I take the dog for a walk around the block?”

Mom replies, “No, because she’s in heat.”

“What’s that mean?” asked the child.

“Go ask your father. I think he’s in the garage.”

The little girl goes to the garage and says, “Dad may I take Belle for a walk around the block? I asked Mom, but she said the dog was in heat, and to come to you.”

Dad said, “Bring Belle over here.”

He took a rag, soaked it with gasoline, and scrubbed the dog’s backside with it to disguise the scent, and said “OK, you can go now, but keep Belle on a leash and only go around the block once.”

The little girl left and returned a few minutes later with no dog on the leash. Surprised, Dad asked, “Where’s Belle?”

The little girl said, “She ran out of gas about halfway down the block, so another dog is pushing her home.”


----------



## boukman2

A woman in a hot air balloon realized she was lost. She lowered her altitude and spotted a man in a boat below. She shouted to him, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."

The man consulted his portable GPS and replied, "You're in a hot air balloon, approximately 30 feet above ground elevation of 2,346 feet above sea level. You are at 31 degrees, 14.97 minutes north latitude and 100 degrees, 49.09 minutes west longitude. 

She rolled her eyes and said, "You must be an Obama Democrat." "I am," replied the man. "How did you know?" "Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically correct. But I have no idea what to do with your information, and I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help to me." 

The man smiled and responded, "You must be a Republican." "I am," replied the balloonist. "How did you know?" "Well," said the man, "you don't know where you are -- or where you are going. You've risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise you have no idea how to keep, and you expect me to solve your problem. You're in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but somehow, now it's my fault."


----------



## gwillikers

^ ^ ^
Hah, nice one boukman2! :lmao:


----------



## Macfury

boukman2 said:


> A woman in a hot air balloon realized she was lost. She lowered her altitude and spotted a man in a boat below. She shouted to him, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."
> 
> The man consulted his portable GPS and replied, "You're in a hot air balloon, approximately 30 feet above ground elevation of 2,346 feet above sea level. You are at 31 degrees, 14.97 minutes north latitude and 100 degrees, 49.09 minutes west longitude.
> 
> She rolled her eyes and said, "You must be an Obama Democrat." "I am," replied the man. "How did you know?" "Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically correct. But I have no idea what to do with your information, and I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help to me."
> 
> The man smiled and responded, "You must be a Republican." "I am," replied the balloonist. "How did you know?" "Well," said the man, "you don't know where you are -- or where you are going. You've risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise you have no idea how to keep, and you expect me to solve your problem. You're in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but somehow, now it's my fault."


For this joke, it doesn't mater which party or which country you substitute for either position, it _sort of_ makes sense anyway.


----------



## winwintoo

An elderly Italian man who lived on the outskirts of Rimini , Italy , went to the local church for confession. 

When the priest slid open the panel in the confessional, The man said: "Father ... During World War II, a beautiful Jewish woman from our neighbourhood knocked urgently on my door and asked me to hide her from the Nazis. So I hid her in my attic." 

The priest replied: "That was a wonderful thing you did, and you have no need to confess that." 

"There is more to tell, Father... She started to repay me with sexual favours.This happened several times a week, and sometimes twice on Sundays.' 

The priest said, "That was a long time ago and by doing what you did, you placed the two of you in great danger, but two people under those circumstances can easily succumb to the weakness of the flesh. However, if you are truly sorry for your actions, you are indeed forgiven." 

"Thank you, Father. That's a great load off my mind. I do have one more question."

"And what is that?" asked the priest. 

"Should I tell her the war is over?"


----------



## Dr.G.

winwintoo said:


> An elderly Italian man who lived on the outskirts of Rimini , Italy , went to the local church for confession.
> 
> When the priest slid open the panel in the confessional, The man said: "Father ... During World War II, a beautiful Jewish woman from our neighbourhood knocked urgently on my door and asked me to hide her from the Nazis. So I hid her in my attic."
> 
> The priest replied: "That was a wonderful thing you did, and you have no need to confess that."
> 
> "There is more to tell, Father... She started to repay me with sexual favours.This happened several times a week, and sometimes twice on Sundays.'
> 
> The priest said, "That was a long time ago and by doing what you did, you placed the two of you in great danger, but two people under those circumstances can easily succumb to the weakness of the flesh. However, if you are truly sorry for your actions, you are indeed forgiven."
> 
> "Thank you, Father. That's a great load off my mind. I do have one more question."
> 
> "And what is that?" asked the priest.
> 
> "Should I tell her the war is over?"


:lmao:


----------



## iphoneottawa




----------



## SINC

A three-year-old boy was examining his testicles while taking a bath. 

"Mom," he asked, "are these my brains?" 

"Not yet," Mom replied.


----------



## Dr.G.

:clap::lmao:



SINC said:


> A three-year-old boy was examining his testicles while taking a bath.
> 
> "Mom," he asked, "are these my brains?"
> 
> "Not yet," Mom replied.


----------



## winwintoo

*Stella *Awards 
It's time again for *the annual "Stella Awards." For those unfamiliar with these awards, they are named after 81-year-old Stella Liebeck who spilled hot coffee on *herself and successfully sued the McDonald's in New Mexico , where she purchased coffee. *You remember, she took 
the lid off the coffee and put it between her knees while she was driving.* Who would ever think *one could get burned doing that, right? That's right; these *are awards for the most outlandish lawsuits and verdicts in *the *U.S. You know, the kinds of cases *that make you scratch your head and say WTF. So keep your head scratcher handy…




Here are *the Stellas for the 
**past year:

*
*


*
* SEVENTH *PLACE * 

Kathleen Robertson *of *Austin , *Texas , was awarded $80,000 by a *jury of her 
peers *after breaking her ankle tripping over a toddler who was running inside 
a furniture store. The *store owners were understandably surprised by 
the verdict, considering *the running toddler was her own son. 

Start *scratching!

*
*

* *SIXTH PLACE * 

Carl Truman, 19, *of *Los Angeles , *California , won $74,000 plus medical 
expenses when his neighbor *ran over his hand with a Honda Accord. Truman apparently 
didn't notice there was *someone at the wheel of the car when he was trying 
to steal his neighbor's *hubcaps. 

Scratch *some more...

*
*


* *FIFTH PLACE * 

Terrence Dickson, *of *Bristol , *Pennsylvania , who was leaving a house he 
had just burglarized by way *of the garage. Unfortunately for Dickson, 
the automatic garage door *opener malfunctioned and he could not get the garage 
door to open. Worse, he *couldn't re-enter the house because the door 
connecting the garage to *the house locked when Dickson pulled it shut. Forced 
to sit for eight, count *'em, EIGHT days and survive on a case of Pepsi and 
a large bag of dry dog *food, he sued the homeowner's insurance company claiming 
*undue mental anguish. *Amazingly, the jury said the insurance company 
*must pay Dickson $500,000 *for his anguish. We should all have this 
*kind of anguish. Keep *scratching .. There are more...... 

Double *hand scratching after 
**this one.....

*
*

* *FOURTH PLACE * 

Jerry Williams, *of *Little Rock , *Arkansas , garnered *4th Place in the Stella's 
when he was awarded $14,500 *plus medical expenses after being bitten on the 
butt by his next door *neighbor's beagle - even though the beagle was on a 
chain in its owner's fenced *yard. Williams did not get as much as he 
asked for because the jury *believed the beagle might have been provoked at 
the time of the butt bite *because Williams had climbed over the fence into 
the yard and repeatedly *shot the dog with a pellet gun. 

Pick a new *spot to scratch, 
**you're getting a bald spot..

*
*


* *THIRD PLACE * 

Amber Carson *of *Lancaster , *Pennsylvania , because a jury *ordered a *Philadelphia 
restaurant to pay her *$113,500 after she slipped on a spilled soft drink and 
broke her tailbone. The *reason the soft drink was on the floor: Ms. 
*Carson had thrown it at her boyfriend 30 *seconds earlier during an argument. 

Only two *more so ease up on 
**the scratching....

*
*


*SECOND *PLACE* 

Kara Walton, *of *Claymont , *Delaware , sued the owner of a night club *in 
a nearby city *because she fell from the bathroom window to the floor, 
knocking out her two front *teeth. Even though Ms.Walton was trying to 
sneak through the ladies *room window to avoid paying the $3.50 cover charge, 
the jury said the night *club had to pay her $12,000 ..... oh, yeah, plus dental 
expenses. 

OK. *Here we go!!

*
*

* *FIRST PLACE * 

This year's runaway *First Place Stella Award winner was: Mrs. Merv Grazinski, of *Oklahoma City, *Oklahoma, who purchased new 32-foot *Winnebago motor home. *On her first trip home, from an OU football game, having driven on to the freeway, *she set the cruise control at 70 mph and calmly left the driver's seat to *go to the back of the Winnebago to make herself a sandwich. Not *surprisingly, the motor home left the freeway, crashed and overturned. Also not *surprisingly, Mrs. Grazinski sued Winnebago for not putting in the *owner's manual that she couldn't actually leave the driver's seat while the *cruise control was set. The Oklahoma jury awarded her -- are you *sitting down? --- $1,750,000 PLUS a new motor home.* Winnebago actually changed their manuals as a result of this suit, just in case Mrs.*Grazinski has any relatives who might also buy a motor home.

*


----------



## Macfury

Hey, winwin, these are funny bu unfortunately part of a passel of urban legends. Merv Grazinski wins this contest year after year.


----------



## bryanc

winwintoo said:


> It's time again for *the annual "Stella Awards."...


These are all funny, but just in case anyone is really worried about them, you can find them on Snopes, and they're old urban legends, not real court cases.

Cheers

{edit: beaten by the ever-vigilant MF}


----------



## winwintoo

Macfury said:


> Hey, winwin, these are funny bu unfortunately part of a passel of urban legends. Merv Grazinski wins this contest year after year.


I know, but they are fun to read anyway, and this is the "joke" thread.


----------



## hayesk

I thought they were fake too, but funny. Incidentally there's a bit more to the McDonald's coffee story. From what I remember, the coffee was brewed hotter than normal, and she didn't take the lid off, the McDonald's employee didn't secure it properly.


----------



## winwintoo

*Pregnant turkey*

Pregnant Turkey 
* 
* 
One year at Thanksgiving, my mom went to my 
sister's house for the traditional feast. Knowing 
how gullible my sister is, my mom decided to 
play a trick. She told my sister that she needed 
something from the store. 
When my sister left, my mom took the turkey out of 
the oven, removed the stuffing, stuffed a Cornish hen, 
and inserted it into the turkey, and re-stuffed the 
turkey. She then placed the bird(s) back in the oven. 
When it was time for dinner, my sister pulled the 
turkey out of the oven and proceeded to remove the 
stuffing. When her serving spoon hit something, 
she reached in and pulled out the little bird. 
With a look of total shock on her face, my mother 
exclaimed, "Patricia, you've cooked a pregnant 
bird!" At the reality of this horrifying news, 
my sister started to cry. 
It took the family two hours to convince her that 
turkeys lay eggs!
*

Yep..................SHE'S BLONDE!


----------



## Macfury

Good one Win Win! My next practical joke all set up!


----------



## SINC

Have you ever wondered what the difference between Grandmothers and Grandfathers is? Does this help? 

Every Sunday morning my friend would take his seven-year-old granddaughter out for a drive for some Grandpa/Granddaughter bonding. One particular Sunday he had a bad cold and really didn't feel like being up at all. Luckily, his wife came to the rescue and said that she would take their granddaughter out. 

When they returned, the little girl anxiously ran upstairs to see her Grandfather. 

"Well, did you enjoy your ride with Grandma?" 

"Oh yes, Grandpa" the girl replied. "And do you know what? We didn't see a single idiot, dumb bastard, dip-sh!t, jackass, or horse's ass anywhere we went today!" 

Almost brings a tear to your eye, doesn't it?


----------



## CubaMark

*Mama's Bible*

*Mama's Bible*

Four brothers left home for college, and they became successful doctors and lawyers and prospered. Some years later, they chatted after having dinner together. They discussed the gifts they were able to give their elderly mother who lived far away in another city.

_The 1st said,_ "I had a big house built for Mama."

_The 2nd said,_ "I had a $100,000 theatre built in the house."

_The 3rd said_, "I had my Mercedes dealer deliver an SL600 to her."

_The 4th said_, "You know how Mamma loved reading the Bible and you know she can't read anymore because she can't see very well. I met this preacher who told me about a parrot that can recite the entire bible. It took 20 preachers 12 years to teach him. I had to pledge to contribute $100,000 a year for 20 years to the church, but it was worth it. Mamma just has to name the chapter and verse and the parrot will recite it."










The other brothers were impressed. After the holidays Mum sent out her Thank You notes.

She wrote:

"Milton, the house you built is so huge I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house. Thanks anyway."

"Marvin, I am too old to travel. I stay home, I have my groceries delivered, so I never use the Mercedes. The thought was good. Thanks."

"Michael, you gave me an expensive theater with Dolby sound. It could hold 50 people, but all of my friends are dead, I've lost my hearing and I'm nearly blind. I'll never use it. Thank you for the gesture just the same."

"Dearest Melvin, you were the only son to have the good sense to give a little thought to your gift. The chicken was delicious. Thank you!”

_Luv Ya, Mama_


----------



## Dr.G.

CubaMark said:


> *Mama's Bible*
> 
> Four brothers left home for college, and they became successful doctors and lawyers and prospered. Some years later, they chatted after having dinner together. They discussed the gifts they were able to give their elderly mother who lived far away in another city.
> 
> _The 1st said,_ "I had a big house built for Mama."
> 
> _The 2nd said,_ "I had a $100,000 theatre built in the house."
> 
> _The 3rd said_, "I had my Mercedes dealer deliver an SL600 to her."
> 
> _The 4th said_, "You know how Mamma loved reading the Bible and you know she can't read anymore because she can't see very well. I met this preacher who told me about a parrot that can recite the entire bible. It took 20 preachers 12 years to teach him. I had to pledge to contribute $100,000 a year for 20 years to the church, but it was worth it. Mamma just has to name the chapter and verse and the parrot will recite it."
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> The other brothers were impressed. After the holidays Mum sent out her Thank You notes.
> 
> She wrote:
> 
> "Milton, the house you built is so huge I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house. Thanks anyway."
> 
> "Marvin, I am too old to travel. I stay home, I have my groceries delivered, so I never use the Mercedes. The thought was good. Thanks."
> 
> "Michael, you gave me an expensive theater with Dolby sound. It could hold 50 people, but all of my friends are dead, I've lost my hearing and I'm nearly blind. I'll never use it. Thank you for the gesture just the same."
> 
> "Dearest Melvin, you were the only son to have the good sense to give a little thought to your gift. The chicken was delicious. Thank you!”
> 
> _Luv Ya, Mama_


:lmao:


----------



## rgray

*Anger management really does work.*

When you occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to take it out on someone, don't take it out on someone you know, take it out on someone you don't know. 

I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I'd forgotten to make. I found the number and dialed it. 

A man answered, saying 'Hello.' 

I politely said, 'This is Chris. Could I please speak with Robyn Carter?' 

Suddenly a manic voice yelled out in my ear 'Get the right f***ing number!' and the phone was slammed down on me. 

I couldn't believe that anyone could be so rude. When I tracked down Robyn's correct number to call her, I found that I had accidentally transposed the last two digits. 

After hanging up with her, I decided to call the 'wrong' number again. 

When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled 'You're an asshole!' and hung up. 

I wrote his number down with the word 'asshole' next to it,and put it in my desk drawer. 

Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had a really bad day, I'd call him up and yell, 'You're an asshole!' 

It always cheered me up. 

When Caller ID was introduced, I thought my therapeutic 'asshole' calling would have to stop. So, I called his number and said, 'Hi, this is John Smith from the telephone company. I'm calling to see if you're familiar with our Caller ID Program?' 

He yelled 'NO!' and slammed down the phone. 

I quickly called him back and said, 'That's because you're an asshole!' and hung up. 

One day I was at the store, getting ready to pull into a parking Spot. Some guy in a black BMW cut me off and pulled into the spot I had patiently waited for. I hit the horn and yelled that I'd been waiting for that spot, but the idiot ignored me. 

I noticed a ! 'For Sale ' sign in his back window, so I wrote down his number. 

A couple of days later, right after calling the first asshole (I had his number on speed dial,) I thought that I'd better call the BMW asshole,too. 

I said, 'Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?' 

He said, 'Yes, it is.' 

I asked, 'Can you tell me where I can see it?' 

He said, 'Yes, I live at 34 Oaktree Blvd , in Fairfax , and the car's parked right out in front.' 

I asked, 'What's your name?' 

He said, 'My name is Don Hansen,' 

I asked, 'When's a good time to catch you, Don?' 

He said, 'I'm home every evening after five.' 

I said, 'Listen, Don, can I tell you something?' 

He said, 'Yes?' 

I said, 'Don, you're an asshole!' 

Then I hung up, and added his number to my speed dial, too. 

Now, when I had a problem, I had two assholes to call.

Then I came up with an idea. 

I called asshole #1. 

He said, 'Hello.' 

I said, 'You're an asshole!' (But I didn't hang up.) 

He asked, 'Are you still there?' 

I said, 'Yeah,' 

He screamed, 'Stop calling me,' 

I said, 'Make me,' 

He asked, 'Who are you?' 

I said, 'My name is Don Hansen.' 

He said, 'Yeah? Where do you live?' 

I said, 'Asshole, I live at 34 Oaktree Blvd , in Fairfax . I have a black Beamer parked in front.' 

He said, 'I'm coming over right now, Don. And you had better start saying your prayers.' 

I said, 'Yeah, like I'm really scared, asshole,' and hung up. 

Then I called Asshole #2. 

He said, 'Hello?' 

I said, 'Hello, asshole,' 

He yelled, 'If I ever find out who you are...' 

I said, 'You'll what?' 

He exclaimed, 'I'll kick your ass,' 

I answered, 'Well, asshole, here's your chance. I'm coming over right now.' 

Then I hung up and immediately called the police, saying that I lived at 
34 Oaktree Blvd , in Fairfax , and that I was on my way home to kill my gay lover. 

Then I called Channel 9 News about the gang war going down on Oaktree Blvd. in Fairfax . 

I quickly got into my car and headed over to Fairfax . 

I got there just in time to watch two assholes beating the crap out of each other in front of six cop cars, an overhead news helicopter and surrounded by a news crew. 

NOW I feel much better. 

Anger management really does work.


----------



## rgray

*John Cleese on ‘Alerts to terror threats in 2011 Europe’*

John Cleese on ‘Alerts to terror threats in 2011 Europe’


The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist
threats and have therefore raised their security level from "Miffed"
to "Peeved." Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again
to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross."
The English have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when
tea supplies nearly ran out.

Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to "A Bloody
Nuisance." The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance"
warning level was in 1588, when threatened by the Spanish Armada.

The Scots have raised their threat level from "Pissed Off" to "Let's
Get the Bastards." They don't have any other levels. This is the
reason they have been used on the front line of the British army for
the last 300 years.

The French Government announced yesterday that it has raised its
terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide." The only two higher levels in
France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender." The rise was precipitated
by a recent fire that destroyed France's white flag factory,
effectively paralyzing the country's military capability.

The Italians have increased the alert level from "Shout Loudly and
Excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain:
"Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."

The Germans have increased their alert state from "Disdainful
Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also
have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbor" and "Lose."

Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual; the only
threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.

The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to
deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new
Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.

The Australians, meanwhile, have raised their security level from "No
worries" to "She'll be Alright, Mate." Two more escalation levels
remain: "Crikey! I think we'll need to cancel the barbie this
weekend!" and "The barbie is canceled." So far no situation has ever
warranted use of the final escalation level.

-- John Cleese - British writer, actor and tall person.


----------



## eMacMan

*Passed on*

*(From one of those normally dreaded "Punt it Along" eMails)*


Please join me in remembering a great icon of the entertainment community. The Pillsbury Doughboy died yesterday of a yeast infection and trauma complications from repeated pokes in the belly. He was 71 and rollin in dough.

Doughboy was buried in a lightly greased coffin. Dozens of celebrities turned out to pay their respects, including Mrs. Butterworth, Hungry Jack, the California Raisins, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies, and Captain Crunch. The grave site was piled high with flours.

Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy and lovingly described Doughboy as a man who never knew how much he was kneaded. Born and bread in Minnesota, Doughboy rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with turnovers.. He was not considered a very smart cookie, wasting much of his dough on half- baked schemes. Despite being a little flaky at times, he still was a crusty old man and was considered a positive roll model for millions.

Doughboy is survived by his wife Play Dough, three children: John Dough, Jane Dough and Dosey Dough, plus they had one in the oven. He is also survived by his elderly father, Pop Tart.

The funeral was held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes.

If this made you smile for even a brief second, please rise to the occasion and take time to pass it on and share that smile with someone else that may be having a crumby day and kneads a lift.


----------



## lukasf

> John Cleese on ‘Alerts to terror threats in 2011 Europe’
> 
> 
> The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist
> threats and have therefore raised their security level from "Miffed"
> to "Peeved." Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again
> to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross."
> The English have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when
> tea supplies nearly ran out.
> 
> Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to "A Bloody
> Nuisance." The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance"
> warning level was in 1588, when threatened by the Spanish Armada.
> 
> The Scots have raised their threat level from "Pissed Off" to "Let's
> Get the Bastards." They don't have any other levels. This is the
> reason they have been used on the front line of the British army for
> the last 300 years.
> 
> The French Government announced yesterday that it has raised its
> terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide." The only two higher levels in
> France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender." The rise was precipitated
> by a recent fire that destroyed France's white flag factory,
> effectively paralyzing the country's military capability.
> 
> The Italians have increased the alert level from "Shout Loudly and
> Excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain:
> "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."
> 
> The Germans have increased their alert state from "Disdainful
> Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also
> have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbor" and "Lose."
> 
> Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual; the only
> threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.
> 
> The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to
> deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new
> Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.
> 
> The Australians, meanwhile, have raised their security level from "No
> worries" to "She'll be Alright, Mate." Two more escalation levels
> remain: "Crikey! I think we'll need to cancel the barbie this
> weekend!" and "The barbie is canceled." So far no situation has ever
> warranted use of the final escalation level.
> 
> -- John Cleese - British writer, actor and tall person.


BTW he forgot the Canadian part of that one:

“And finally Canada is at "That's not nice and please stop" threat level, and has passed a bill in the House of Commons to never raise the level any higher so not to offend the terrorists.”

Although, IMHO, if they REALLY annoy us, they’ll get a strongly-worded letter and a stern look. THAT’LL teach ‘em!


----------



## tilt

eMacMan;1060278*SNIP*Please join me in remembering a great icon of the entertainment community. The Pillsbury Doughboy died yesterday of a yeast infection and trauma complications from repeated pokes in the belly. He was 71 and rollin in dough.*SNIP*[/QUOTE said:


> I love puns and am quite forgiving to honest attempts at humour; but this was painful, painfully contrived, trying desperately to force some laughter (like anything American trying desperately to force one feeling or the other); and too long!
> 
> It sounds like something a complete amateur like me might write in the hope that someone somewhere might find it funny.
> 
> Cheers


----------



## Rps

tilt said:


> I love puns and am quite forgiving to honest attempts at humour; but this was painful, painfully contrived, trying desperately to force some laughter (like anything American trying desperately to force one feeling or the other); and too long!
> 
> It sounds like something a complete amateur like me might write in the hope that someone somewhere might find it funny.
> 
> Cheers


I know what you mean. This is obviously for someone with a rye sense of humour, or maybe French Schtick.


----------



## Macfury

tilt said:


> It sounds like something a complete amateur like me might write in the hope that someone somewhere might find it funny.


It has stood the test of time. I first recall seeing it in the 1980s.


----------



## mrjimmy

A unionized public employee, a tea party republican, and a Wall Street Banker are sitting at a table. In the middle of the table is a plate with a dozen cookies on it. The Wall Street Banker reaches across and takes 11 cookies, looks at the tea partier and says, 'Watch out for that union guy, he wants a piece of your cookie.'


----------



## Dr.G.

mrjimmy said:


> A unionized public employee, a tea party republican, and a Wall Street Banker are sitting at a table. In the middle of the table is a plate with a dozen cookies on it. The Wall Street Banker reaches across and takes 11 cookies, looks at the tea partier and says, 'Watch out for that union guy, he wants a piece of your cookie.'


:clap::clap::clap:


----------



## KC4

A brunette walks into a doctor office.

"Oh doctor, everywhere on my body is painful to the touch!" she explains.

"Everywhere?" puzzles the doctor.

"Yes! See!" she says, poking her knee, "OUCH!"

Then she taps her side. "OW!" she whimpers.

Next, for effect, she touches her head," Whoa! OUCH!"

"You're not really brunette, are you?" asks the doc. 

"No, I'm blonde. Why does that matter?" said the woman.

"Because," replied the doc, "Your finger is broken."


----------



## Macfury

mrjimmy said:


> A unionized public employee, a tea party republican, and a Wall Street Banker are sitting at a table. In the middle of the table is a plate with a dozen cookies on it. The Wall Street Banker reaches across and takes 11 cookies, looks at the tea partier and says, 'Watch out for that union guy, he wants a piece of your cookie.'


Why does the union guy want to take a piece of the Tea Party guy's cookie?


----------



## CubaMark

Macfury said:


> Why does the union guy want to take a piece of the Tea Party guy's cookie?


----------



## jamesB

A woman goes to her doctor complaining of chest pains and trouble breathing.
She tells him it feels like she cannot get enough air, sort of like suffocating.
After several poke and prods the doctor asks the woman "are you a smoker", to which she answers "no".
Doctor says "that's too bad, it sure would of helped if you quit".

The real joke here is that this actually happened to a person very dear to me.


----------



## Dr T

Macfury said:


> Why does the union guy want to take a piece of the Tea Party guy's cookie?


It's not a documentary, it's a joke.


----------



## gwillikers

It takes 7 seconds for food to pass from mouth to stomach. A human hair can hold 3kg. The length of a penis is 3 times the length of the thumb. The femur is as hard as concrete. A woman's heart beats faster then a man's. Women blink 2x as much as men. We use 300 muscles just to keep our balance when we stand. A woman has read this entire post. A man is still looking at his thumb.


----------



## SINC

Two Scotsmen, Archie and Jimmy, are sitting in the pub discussing Jimmy's forthcoming wedding.

"Och, it's all goin' pure brilliant," says Jimmy. "A've got everythin' organized awready, the fluers, the church, the caurs, the reception, the rings, the minister, even ma stag night".

Archie nods approvingly.

"I've even bought a kilt to be married in!" continues Jimmy.

"A kilt?" exclaims Archie, "That's magic, you'll look pure smart in that. Whit's the tartan?"

"Och," says Jimmy, "A'd imagine she'll be in white.


----------



## chuckster

The old man placed an order for one hamburger, French fries and a drink.
 He unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half, placing one half in front of his wife. 
He then carefully counted out the French fries, dividing them into two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife.  He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip and then set the cup down between them.
As he began to eat his few bites of hamburger, the people around them were looking over and whispering.  Obviously they were thinking, 'That poor old couple - all they can afford is one meal for the two of them.'
 As the man began to eat his fries a young man came to the table and politely offered to buy another meal for the old couple. The old man said, they were just fine - they were used to sharing everything.
 People closer to the table noticed the little old lady hadn't eaten a bite. She  sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink.
 Again, the young man came over and begged them to let him buy another meal for them. This time the old woman said 'No, thank you, we are used to sharing everything.' Finally, as the old man finished and was wiping his face neatly with the napkin, the young man again came over to the little old lady who had yet to eat a single bite of food and asked 'What is it you are waiting for?'
 She answered:
 'THE TEETH.'


----------



## SINC

The minister was preoccupied with thoughts of how he was going to ask the congregation to come up with more money than they were expecting for repairs to the church building. 

Therefore, he was annoyed to find that the regular organist was sick and a substitute had been brought in at the last minute. The substitute wanted to know what to play.

"Here's a copy of the service," he said impatiently. "But, you'll have to think of something to play after I make the announcement about the finances."

During the service, the minister paused and said, "Brothers and Sisters, we are in great difficulty; the roof repairs cost twice as much as we expected and we need $4,000 more. Any of you who can pledge $100 or more, please stand up."

At that moment, the substitute organist played "Oh Canada."

And that is how the substitute became the regular organist!


----------



## Dr.G.

SINC said:


> The minister was preoccupied with thoughts of how he was going to ask the congregation to come up with more money than they were expecting for repairs to the church building.
> 
> Therefore, he was annoyed to find that the regular organist was sick and a substitute had been brought in at the last minute. The substitute wanted to know what to play.
> 
> "Here's a copy of the service," he said impatiently. "But, you'll have to think of something to play after I make the announcement about the finances."
> 
> During the service, the minister paused and said, "Brothers and Sisters, we are in great difficulty; the roof repairs cost twice as much as we expected and we need $4,000 more. Any of you who can pledge $100 or more, please stand up."
> 
> At that moment, the substitute organist played "Oh Canada."
> 
> And that is how the substitute became the regular organist!


:lmao::clap::lmao:


----------



## Dr.G.

Now for something completely different. A friend of mine in Europe just sent this to me. 

ALERTS TO TERROR THREATS IN 2011 EUROPE
BY JOHN CLEESE:

The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist threats and have therefore raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved." Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross."

The English have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies nearly ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to "A Bloody Nuisance." The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was in 1588, when threatened by the Spanish Armada.

The Scots have raised their threat level from "Pissed Off" to "Let's get the Bastards." They don't have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the front line of the British army for the last 300 years.

The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide." The only two higher levels in France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender." The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country's military capability.

Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout Loudly and Excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."

The Germans have increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbor" and "Lose."

Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual; the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.

The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.

Australia, meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries" to "She'll be alright, Mate." Two more escalation levels remain: "Crikey! I think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend!" and "The barbie is canceled." So far no situation has ever warranted use of the final escalation level.


----------



## gwillikers




----------



## SINC

My wife has been missing a week now.

Police have told me to prepare for the worst. 

So I went to the thrift shop to get all her clothes back.


----------



## Dr.G.

SINC said:


> My wife has been missing a week now.
> 
> Police have told me to prepare for the worst.
> 
> So I went to the thrift shop to get all her clothes back.


:lmao::lmao:beejacon


----------



## jamesB

SINC said:


> My wife has been missing a week now.
> 
> Police have told me to prepare for the worst.
> 
> So I went to the thrift shop to get all her clothes back.


+1,2 and 3


----------



## KC4

Little Carol came into the kitchen where her mother was making dinner.
Her birthday was coming up and she thought this was a good time to
tell her mother what she wanted. 'Mom, I want a bike for my birthday.'

Now, Little Carol was a bit of a troublemaker. She had gotten into
trouble at school and at home.. Carol's mother asked her if she thought she
deserved to get a bike for her birthday. Little Carol, of course, thought
she did.

Carol's mother, being a Christian woman, wanted her to reflect on her
behavior over the last year, and write a letter to God and tell him why she
deserved a bike for her birthday. Little Carol stomped up the steps to her
room and sat down to write God a letter.

________________________________


LETTER 1:
Dear God:
I have been a very good girl this year and I would like a bike for my
birthday. I want a red one. 
Your friend, Carol

Carol knew this wasn't true. She had not been a very good girl this
year, so she tore up the letter and started over.

________________________________

LETTER 2:
Dear God:

This is your friend Carol. I have been a pretty good girl this year,
and I would like a red bike for my birthday.

Thank you, Carol

Carol knew this wasn't true either. She tore up the letter and started
again.

________________________________

LETTER 3:
Dear God:
I know I haven't been a good girl this year. I am very sorry. I will
be a good girl if you just send me a red bike for my birthday.

Thank you, Carol

Carol knew, even if it was true, this letter was not going to get her a
bike. By now, she was very upset. She went downstairs and told her mother
she wanted to go to church. Carol's mother thought her plan had worked
because Carol looked very sad.

'Just be home in time for dinner,' her mother said. 


Carol walked down the street to the church and up to the altar. She looked around to
see if anyone was there. She picked up a statue of the Virgin Mary,
slipped it under her jacket and ran out of the church, down the street,
into her house, and up to her room. She shut the door and sat down and
wrote her letter to God.

________________________________
LETTER 4:
I GOT YOUR MAMA.


IF YOU WANT TO SEE HER AGAIN, SEND THE BIKE.


Signed, YOU KNOW WHO


----------



## Dr.G.

KC4 said:


> Little Carol came into the kitchen where her mother was making dinner.
> Her birthday was coming up and she thought this was a good time to
> tell her mother what she wanted. 'Mom, I want a bike for my birthday.'
> 
> Now, Little Carol was a bit of a troublemaker. She had gotten into
> trouble at school and at home.. Carol's mother asked her if she thought she
> deserved to get a bike for her birthday. Little Carol, of course, thought
> she did.
> 
> Carol's mother, being a Christian woman, wanted her to reflect on her
> behavior over the last year, and write a letter to God and tell him why she
> deserved a bike for her birthday. Little Carol stomped up the steps to her
> room and sat down to write God a letter.
> 
> ________________________________
> 
> 
> LETTER 1:
> Dear God:
> I have been a very good girl this year and I would like a bike for my
> birthday. I want a red one.
> Your friend, Carol
> 
> Carol knew this wasn't true. She had not been a very good girl this
> year, so she tore up the letter and started over.
> 
> ________________________________
> 
> LETTER 2:
> Dear God:
> 
> This is your friend Carol. I have been a pretty good girl this year,
> and I would like a red bike for my birthday.
> 
> Thank you, Carol
> 
> Carol knew this wasn't true either. She tore up the letter and started
> again.
> 
> ________________________________
> 
> LETTER 3:
> Dear God:
> I know I haven't been a good girl this year. I am very sorry. I will
> be a good girl if you just send me a red bike for my birthday.
> 
> Thank you, Carol
> 
> Carol knew, even if it was true, this letter was not going to get her a
> bike. By now, she was very upset. She went downstairs and told her mother
> she wanted to go to church. Carol's mother thought her plan had worked
> because Carol looked very sad.
> 
> 'Just be home in time for dinner,' her mother said.
> 
> 
> Carol walked down the street to the church and up to the altar. She looked around to
> see if anyone was there. She picked up a statue of the Virgin Mary,
> slipped it under her jacket and ran out of the church, down the street,
> into her house, and up to her room. She shut the door and sat down and
> wrote her letter to God.
> 
> ________________________________
> LETTER 4:
> I GOT YOUR MAMA.
> 
> 
> IF YOU WANT TO SEE HER AGAIN, SEND THE BIKE.
> 
> 
> Signed, YOU KNOW WHO


:lmao:beejacon


----------



## Lawrence

*The newfie mirror*

-----




After living in the remote wilderness of Newfoundland all his life,
An old Newfie decided it was time to visit St. John’s .

In one of the stores he picks up a mirror and looks in it.
Not ever having seen one before, he remarked at the image staring back at him.

'How 'bout that!' he exclaims, 'Here's a picture of me Fadder.'

He bought the mirror thinking it was a picture of his dad, but on the way home he remembered his wife didn't like his father, so he hung it in the shed, and every morning before leaving to go fishin', he would go there and look at it. 

His wife began to get suspicious of these many trips to the shed.
So, one day after her husband left, she went to the shed and found the mirror.


As she looked into the glass, she fumed, 'So that's the ugly bitch he's runnin' around with.'


----------



## Macfury

Ouch! Haven't heard a "Newfie" joke in years. Remember these books?


----------



## rgray

Macfury said:


> Ouch! Haven't heard a "Newfie" joke in years. Remember these books?


Haven't see those in years! I actually have both of those somewhere around. Got 'em in Newfoundland, too, somewhere in '74-'76 when I was in grad school at MUN. The folk weren't all that amused by the content, but didn't mind taking a few bucks off CFAs (CFA=Come From Away).


----------



## rgray

From Jimmy Fallon . . . referring to Prince William's bachelor party: 

"It's gotta be weird stuffing money into a stripper's bikini when every bill has a photo of your grandmother printed on it."


----------



## SINC

I stopped by the Chevrolet Dealership yesterday, for a look at the new Silverado 2011, 1500 pickup. Just for fun, I took it out for a test drive. I wanted to sense that new "feel" before they become extinct...

The salesman (a young man wearing an Michael Ignatieff "change" lapel pin) sat in the passenger seat describing the truck and all its "wonderful" options.. The seats were of particular interest. He explained that the seats directed warm air to your butt in the winter and directed cool air to your butt in the summer heat. Feeling like messing with him, I mentioned that this must be a Conservative truck.

Looking a bit angry, he asked why I thought it was a Conservative truck. I explained that if it were a Liberal truck, the seats would blow smoke up your ass year-round.

I had to walk back to the dealership ... damn sales guy had no sense of humor.


----------



## SINC

Just got frickin’ scammed out of $25. I bought a new Tiger Woods DVD entitled "My Favorite 18 Holes".

Turns out it's about golf. Absolute waste of money.

Pass this on so others don't get scammed.

Best Regards, 

Charlie Sheen


----------



## SINC

Received this in my inbox just this morning:

*As a rule, I don't pass along these "add your name" lists that appear in emails.

BUT this one is important. It has been circulating for months and has been sent to over 20 million people. To show your support for Michael Ignatieff please go to the end of the list and add your name.


1. Mrs. Ignatieff
2.*


----------



## kps

Another election related gem:

A young woman was about to finish her first year of college. Like so many others her age, she considered herself to be very liberal, and among other liberal ideals, was very much in favor of higher taxes to support more government programs, in other words redistribution of wealth.

She was deeply ashamed that her father was a rather staunch conservative, a feeling she openly expressed. Based on the lectures that she had participated in, and the occasional chat with a professor, she felt that her father had for years harbored an evil, selfish desire to keep what he thought should be his.

One day she was challenging her father on his opposition to higher taxes on the rich and the need for more government programs.

The self-professed objectivity proclaimed by her professors had to be the truth and she indicated so to her father. He responded by asking how she was doing in school.

Taken aback, she answered rather haughtily that she had a 4.0 GPA, and let him know that it was tough to maintain, insisting that she was taking a very difficult course load and was constantly studying, which left her no time to go out and party like other people she knew. She didn't even have time for a boyfriend, and didn't really have many college friends because she spent all her time studying.

Her father listened and then asked, “How is your friend Audrey doing?”

She replied, “Audrey is barely getting by. All she takes are easy classes, she never studies and she barely has a 2.0 GPA. She is so popular on campus; college for her is a blast. She's always invited to all the parties and lots of times she doesn't even show up for classes because she's too hung over.”

Her wise father asked his daughter, “Why don't you go to the Dean's office and ask him to deduct 1.0 off your GPA and give it to your friend who only has a 2.0. That way you will both have a 3.0 GPA and certainly that would be a fair and equal distribution of GPA.”

The daughter, visibly shocked by her father's suggestion, angrily fired back, “That's a crazy idea, how would that be fair! I've worked really hard for my grades! I've invested a lot of time, and a lot of hard work! Audrey has done next to nothing toward her degree. She played while I worked my tail off!”

The father slowly smiled, winked and said gently, “Welcome to the conservative side of the fence.”


----------



## Dr T

*Blague du jour*

Pierre Trudeau, Queen Elizabeth, and Vladimir Putin all die and go to hell. 

While there, they spy a red phone and ask what the phone is for. The devil tells them it is for calling back to Earth. 

Putin asks to call Russia and talks for 5 minutes. When he is finished the devil informs him that the cost is a million dollars, so Putin writes him a cheque. 

Next Queen Elizabeth calls England and talks for 30 minutes. When she is finished the devil informs her that the cost is 6 million dollars, so she writes him a cheque. 

Finally Pierre Trudeau gets his turn and talks for 4 hours. When he is finished the devil informs him that the cost is $5.00. 

When Putin hears this he goes ballistic and asks the devil why Pierre Trudeau got to call Canada so cheaply. 

The devil smiles and replies: 

"Since Stephen Harper took over, the country has gone to hell, so it's a local call."


----------



## Dr.G.

Dr T said:


> Pierre Trudeau, Queen Elizabeth, and Vladimir Putin all die and go to hell.
> 
> While there, they spy a red phone and ask what the phone is for. The devil tells them it is for calling back to Earth.
> 
> Putin asks to call Russia and talks for 5 minutes. When he is finished the devil informs him that the cost is a million dollars, so Putin writes him a cheque.
> 
> Next Queen Elizabeth calls England and talks for 30 minutes. When she is finished the devil informs her that the cost is 6 million dollars, so she writes him a cheque.
> 
> Finally Pierre Trudeau gets his turn and talks for 4 hours. When he is finished the devil informs him that the cost is $5.00.
> 
> When Putin hears this he goes ballistic and asks the devil why Pierre Trudeau got to call Canada so cheaply.
> 
> The devil smiles and replies:
> 
> "Since Stephen Harper took over, the country has gone to hell, so it's a local call."


:lmao::lmao::lmao:


----------



## Dr.G.

A friend of mine who lives in London, ON, but was born and raised in Montreal, and is a loyal Habs fan, sent me this joke. I did not get it at first and then got the punch line explanation in a return email.

"How do you know that it is finally Spring in the GTA?"
"When the Leafs are out."


 :-(

If I was a Toronto Maple Leafs fan I would NOT be amused one bit.


----------



## Macfury

Dr T said:


> Pierre Trudeau, Queen Elizabeth, and Vladimir Putin all die and go to hell.
> 
> While there, they spy a red phone and ask what the phone is for. The devil tells them it is for calling back to Earth.
> 
> Putin asks to call Russia and talks for 5 minutes. When he is finished the devil informs him that the cost is a million dollars, so Putin writes him a cheque.
> 
> Next Queen Elizabeth calls England and talks for 30 minutes. When she is finished the devil informs her that the cost is 6 million dollars, so she writes him a cheque.
> 
> Finally Pierre Trudeau gets his turn and talks for 4 hours. When he is finished the devil informs him that the cost is $5.00.
> 
> When Putin hears this he goes ballistic and asks the devil why Pierre Trudeau got to call Canada so cheaply.
> 
> The devil smiles and replies:
> 
> "Since Stephen Harper took over, the country has gone to hell, so it's a local call."




At least Trudeau is in hell where he belongs.


----------



## Dr.G.

Macfury said:


> At least Trudeau is in hell where he belongs.


tptptptptptptptptptptptp 
Paix, mon ami.


----------



## SINC

*How Much Would You Give?*

A driver is stuck in a traffic jam going into downtown Ottawa. Nothing is moving north or south. Suddenly a man knocks on his window.

The driver rolls down his window and asks, "What happened? What's the hold-up?"

"Terrorists have kidnapped Michael Ignatieff, Jack Layton, Gilles Duceppe, and Prime Minister Harper. They are asking for a ten million dollar ransom, otherwise, they are going to douse them with gasoline and set them on fire. We are going from car to car, taking up a collection."

The driver asks, "On average, how much is everyone giving?"

"About a litre."


----------



## winwintoo

*The only political joke I know*

A comedian was on stage at the local watering hole in High River, Alberta and being there was an election in the offing, he thought he'd throw in a couple of jokes at the expense of the leaders.

"... That (insert politician's name) is a horse's a$$"

A voice from the back of the room boomed, "hey fella, you can't talk like that in here."

The comedian was confused. "I didn't know this was (insert political party) country"

The voice came again, "it ain't, it's horse country."

Feel free to embellish to suit your situation.


----------



## Dr.G.

SINC said:


> *How Much Would You Give?*
> 
> A driver is stuck in a traffic jam going into downtown Ottawa. Nothing is moving north or south. Suddenly a man knocks on his window.
> 
> The driver rolls down his window and asks, "What happened? What's the hold-up?"
> 
> "Terrorists have kidnapped Michael Ignatieff, Jack Layton, Gilles Duceppe, and Prime Minister Harper. They are asking for a ten million dollar ransom, otherwise, they are going to douse them with gasoline and set them on fire. We are going from car to car, taking up a collection."
> 
> The driver asks, "On average, how much is everyone giving?"
> 
> "About a litre."


XX)


----------



## boukman2

*paris restaurant review*

(not eggzackly a joke, but funny...)

Tour De Gall

From Bill Clinton to Woody Allen, it seems every American (or Brit) visiting Paris on an expense account has the same favorite “Please don’t write about it” bistro: L’Ami Louis. Given its colonic décor, surly service, unbelievable food, and hefty bill, the restaurant is a true Gallic triumph.

By A. A. Gill April 2011

FOIE BLAH: Inside L’Ami Louis, Paris’s worst-kept secret. The New York Times.

As you know, it was Thomas Gold Appleton, Longfellow’s brother-in-law, who said, “Good Americans, when they die, go to Paris.” He failed to add that, prior to joining the choir eternal, good Americans all go to eat at L’Ami Louis. Presidents, movie stars, C.E.O.’s, playboys, and Woody Allen all make their way to a little bistro on a side street near the old market of Les Halles. It’s not just good Americans—fat Englishmen are drawn to L’Ami Louis. Two nations, separated by a common language and a mutual antipathy to each other’s cuisine, are joined in an appetite for L’Ami Louis.

In all my years as a restaurant critic I have learned that there is a certain type of florid, blowsy, patrician Brit who will sidle up and bellow, with a fruity bluster, that if I ever happen to find myself in Paris (as if Paris were a cul-de-sac on a shortcut to somewhere else) there is this little place he knows, proper French, none of your nouvelle nonsense, bloody fantastic foie gras, and roast chicken like Bridget Bardot’s tits, and that I should go. But, they add, don’t bloody write about it. We don’t want Monsieur Yank and his good lady wife turning up in droves. It’s called …

I know what it’s called. L’Ami Louis. I ask the hotel concierge at Le Meurice to book a table for lunch. “L’Ami Louis,” he says, with a pitiful sadness. “It’s always L’Ami Louis for les Anglais.”

What you actually find when you arrive at L’Ami Louis is singularly unprepossessing. It’s a long, dark corridor with luggage racks stretching the length of the room. It gives you the feeling of being in a second-class railway carriage in the Balkans. It’s painted a shiny, distressed dung brown. The cramped tables are set with labially pink cloths, which give it a colonic appeal and the awkward sense that you might be a suppository. In the middle of the room is a stubby stove that also looks vaguely proctological.

At the end of the dining room is the tiny kitchen and an even tinier bar, where the waiters lurk like extras for a Gallic version of The Sopranos. The staff are an essential part of Louis’s mystique. Paunchy, combative, surly men, bulging out of their white jackets with the meaty malevolence of gouty buffalo. They may well be related by blood—theirs or other people’s. They exude a pantomime insolence, an existential Le Fug Youse. As you walk in, one approaches with an eyebrow raised and nose aloft to give you the benefit of full-frontal froggy nostril. If you get past the door, and many don’t, the first thing your waiter does is take your coat. The next thing he does is fling it with effortful nonchalance into the luggage rack. Returning customers know to keep wallets, BlackBerrys, and spectacles out of their pockets. As it is, a tinkling dandruff of change scuttles behind the banquettes.

We are sat at a table by the door. Our particular chubby, oyster-eyed fellow dumps off a pair of menus and a large book without a word or the offer of a drink. The menu is brief and bloody. The tome is the wine list. It turns out to be a massive eulogy to claret. Every grand château and vintage is represented with sycophantic prices. The wine cellar is behind the lavatory in a crypt that smells overpoweringly of fetid bladder damp. After a lot of smiley semaphore, I manage to beg a single glass of house red for my companion.

We order foie gras and snails to start. Foie gras is a L’Ami Louis specialty. After 30 minutes what come are a pair of intimidatingly gross flabs of chilly pâté, with a slight coating of pustular yellow fat. They are dense and stringy, with a web of veins. I doubt they were made on the premises. The liver crumbles under the knife like plumber’s putty and tastes faintly of gut-scented butter or pressed liposuction. The fat clings to the roof of my mouth with the oleaginous insistence of dentist’s wax.

As I suck my teeth, I watch the waiters saunter up and down the aisle like Vichy ticket collectors. Another one appears. Not fat, not white, not a caricature. A lithe, handsome boy, who is probably North African. He is plainly a prop. His job is to be wrong, to soak up blame. The big men bully up, roll their eyes, wave their chubby knuckles at him as he delivers and clears and sweeps crumbs. A man pretends to cuff him round the ear and looks over at a table of Americans with a grin and a wink to include them in the jape.

An Englishman in blinding tweed and racy cap pushes through the door and roars. A waiter steps forward, arms outstretched, and makes hee-haw, hee-haw noises like Bart Simpson pretending to speak French. It is the practiced and familiar ritual greeting of mutual incomprehension and ancient contempt. Our servant glides past and does a silent-movie double take. “Your snails!” he exclaims. “They have not come!” His cheeks bulge as he flaps his short arms. In all my years of professional eating, I have never seen this before. I have seen waiters do many, many things, including burst into tears and juggle knives, and I once glimpsed one having sex. But never, ever has a waiter commiserated with me about the lack of service.

Twenty minutes later, possibly under their own steam, the snails arrive. Vesuvian, they bubble and smoke in a magma of astringent garlic butter and parsley. We grasp them with the spring-loaded specula and gingerly unwind the dark gastropods, curling like dinosaur boogers. They go on and on, expanding onto the plate as if they were alien. We have to cut them in half, which is just wrong. The rule with snails is: Don’t eat one you couldn’t get up your nose.

Twenty minutes later, our plates are taken away. Twenty minutes after that, our main courses arrive. Or rather, my companion’s does. A veal chop, utterly plain, unaccompanied or sullied by decoration or inspiration. Just an awkwardly butchered skinny rib that has been grilled for too long on one side and too little on the other so that it is simultaneously stingingly dry and overdone and flabbily, slimily raw. She can’t decide which side to complain about.

I have decided not to go for the famous roast chicken, mainly because I’ve suffered it before and I’d just been watching a Japanese couple wrestle with one like a manga poltergeist from some Tokyo horror movie, its scaly blue legs stabbing the air. So on to the broiled kidneys. Nothing I have eaten or heard of being eaten here prepared me for the arrival of the veal kidneys en brochette. Somehow the heat had welded them together into a gray, suppurating renal brick. It could be the result of an accident involving rat babies in a nuclear reactor. They don’t taste as nice as they sound.

As an afterthought, or perhaps as an apology, the waiter brings a funeral pyre of French fries—they taste of seared and overused cooking oil—and then a green salad of frisée and mâche, two leaves that rarely share a bowl, due to their irreconcilable differences. They have been doused in vinegar that may have been recycled from the gherkin bottle. Dessert is four balls of gray ice cream and something that had once been chocolate.

Now the good bit. The reckoning. The foie gras appetizer was 58 euros. That’s $79. A single glass of house wine was $19. And the final bill for lunch for two was $403. That isn’t the most expensive meal in Paris, but in terms of quality, service, atmosphere, and all-round edible value, it’s way out there at the far end of the naughty step. So why do the Americans and English come here? Men who, at home, are finickity and fussy about everything, who consider themselves epicurean and cultured. Men who choose their own ties and are trusted with scissors and corporations, who have “sophisticated” on their Facebook pages. Why do they continue to come here? They can’t all have brain tumors. The only rationally conceivable answer is: Paris. Paris has superpowers; Paris exerts a mercurial force field. This old city has such compelling cultural connotations and aesthetic pheromones, such a nostalgically beguiling cast list, that it defies judgment. It’s a confidence trick that can make oreille de cochon out of a sow’s ear—reputation and expectation are the MSG of fine dining.

But still, it’s undeniable that L’Ami Louis really is special and apart. It has earned an epic accolade. It is, all things considered, entre nous, the worst restaurant in the world.


----------



## Dr T

*Jiggy goes to university*

A young lad from SaltSpring Island goes off to University, but halfway through the Fall term, he realizes that he has foolishly squandered all of his money.

He calls home. "Dad," he says, "you won't believe what modern education is developing. They actually have a program here at Simon Fraser that could teach our dog Jiggy how to talk."

"That's amazing!" his Dad says. "How do I get Jiggy in that program?"

"Just send him over here with $1,400," the young lad says, "I'll get him in the course."

So his father sends the dog Jiggy and $1,400.

Just at the start of the next term, the money runs out again. The young lad calls home. 

"So how's Jiggy doing, son?" his father wants to know.

"Awesome! Dad, he's talking up a storm. But you just won't believe this. They've had such good results with talking, they've begun to teach the animals how to read."

"Read?!" exclaims his father. "No kidding! How do we get our Jiggy in that program?"

'Just send $2,700. I'll get him in the class for sure."

The money promptly arrives. But our hero has a problem. At the end of the year, his father will find out the dog can neither talk nor read. So he takes Jiggy down to an isolated beach, gets the shotgun out of his truck, and shoots the dog. When he arrives home at the end of the year, his father is all excited.

"Where's my Jiggy? I just can't wait to talk with him, and see him read something!"

"Dad,' the young lad says, "I have some grim news. Yesterday morning, just before we left to drive home, Jiggy was in the living room, kicked back in the recliner, reading the Province. Then he suddenly turned to me and asked, 'So, is your daddy still messing around with that little redhead waitress at the Fulford Inn?' ''

The father groans and whispers, "We should shoot that son of a b- before he talks to your Mother!"

"I already did, Dad!"

"That's my boy!"

The kid went on to be a successful lawyer and Conservative Member of Parliament.


----------



## rgray

^^^
I didn't think Conservatives were that smart....


----------



## Macfury

Yep. The Conservative comes out on top in this one.


----------



## SINC

An Indian walks into a cafe with a shotgun in one hand and leading a male buffalo with the other. He says to the waiter, "Want coffee."

The waiter says, "Sure. Coming right up." He gets the Indian a tall mug of coffee.

The Indian drinks the coffee down in one gulp, turns and blasts the buffalo with the shotgun, causing parts of the animal to splatter everywhere and then just walks out. 

The next morning the Indian returns. He has his shotgun in one hand, leading another male buffalo with the other. He walks up to the counter and says to the waiter, "Want coffee." 

The waiter says "Whoa! We're still cleaning up your mess from yesterday. What was all that about, anyway?" 

The Indian smiles and proudly says, "Training for position in government caucus: Come in, drink coffee, shoot the bull, leave crap for others to clean up, disappear for rest of day."


----------



## tilt

A priest/reverend/father/pastor/clergyman (I do not know the difference, so please pardon me) and a boorish vulgar Texas rich-guy were playing golf. The Texan took a swing, missed, and cursed "F***! Missed!".

The clergyman was not pleased and told the Texan to not curse. The Texan took another shot, missed, and again - "F***! Missed!". The clergyman warned the Texan that the next time he cursed, God would strike him down with a bolt of lightning.

The Texan took another swing, missed, and cursed "F***! Missed!". There was loud rumbling, a bolt of lightning from the sky. When everything cleared, the clergyman lay dead; and a booming voice from the heavens said "F***! MISSED!".

Cheers


----------



## Dr.G.

tilt said:


> A priest/reverend/father/pastor/clergyman (I do not know the difference, so please pardon me) and a boorish vulgar Texas rich-guy were playing golf. The Texan took a swing, missed, and cursed "F***! Missed!".
> 
> The clergyman was not pleased and told the Texan to not curse. The Texan took another shot, missed, and again - "F***! Missed!". The clergyman warned the Texan that the next time he cursed, God would strike him down with a bolt of lightning.
> 
> The Texan took another swing, missed, and cursed "F***! Missed!". There was loud rumbling, a bolt of lightning from the sky. When everything cleared, the clergyman lay dead; and a booming voice from the heavens said "F***! MISSED!".
> 
> Cheers


beejacon


----------



## Dr T

*Voting judgement day.*

While walking down the street one day a "Member of Parliament" is tragically hit by a truck and dies.

His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.

'Welcome to heaven,' says St. Peter. 'Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you.'

'No problem, just let me in, 'says the man.

'Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity'. 
'Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in heaven,' says the MP.

'I'm sorry, but we have our rules.'

And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him.

Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people.

They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and champagne.

Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly & nice guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time that before he realizes it, it is time to go.

Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises....

The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him.

'Now it's time to visit heaven.'

So, 24 hours pass with the MP joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realises it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.

'Well, then, you've spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now choose your eternity'.

The MP reflects for a minute, then he answers: 'Well, I would never have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in hell. '

So St. Peter escorts him to the lift and he goes down, down, down to hell.

Now the doors of the lift open and he's in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and rubbish.

He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags as more rubbish falls from above.

The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulder. 'I don't understand, 'stammers the MP'. Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now there's just a wasteland full of rubbish and my friends look miserable.

What happened? '

The devil looks at him, smiles and says, ' Yesterday we were campaigning.. ... 


Today you voted.'


----------



## Greenman

...


----------



## Dr T

*4 Extra Tickets If You Are Interested*

4 Extra Tickets If You Are Interested ...

In case you’re interested .... I have four extra tickets for the Robbie Knievel (son of Evil Knievel) event at the Coliseum next weekend in Vancouver, if anybody wants them.

Robbie is going to attempt to jump over 1,000 Harper Conservative supporters with a Caterpillar D-9 bulldozer.

Should be a good time!


----------



## Dr.G.

Dr T said:


> 4 Extra Tickets If You Are Interested ...
> 
> In case you’re interested .... I have four extra tickets for the Robbie Knievel (son of Evil Knievel) event at the Coliseum next weekend in Vancouver, if anybody wants them.
> 
> Robbie is going to attempt to jump over 1,000 Harper Conservative supporters with a Caterpillar D-9 bulldozer.
> 
> Should be a good time!



XX):lmao:


----------



## SINC

.


----------



## FeXL

Psssst: check 4 posts up...


----------



## SINC

Judy runs crying into the office. 

"What's wrong?" gasps her best friend Carol. 

"It's my boyfriend. He was working on the engine under the hood of his car when the lid came down and cut off a finger!" 

"My god," shrieks Carol. "Did it amputate his whole finger?" 

"No, thank goodness," sniffs Judi. 

"But it was the one just next to it!"


----------



## tilt

What's the difference between a circus and a high-class whorehouse? 
_The circus has an array of cunning stunts._

What's the difference between a baby and an opera director?
_A baby sucks his fingers._

Cheers


----------



## Dr.G.

tilt said:


> What's the difference between a circus and a high-class whorehouse?
> _The circus has an array of cunning stunts._
> 
> What's the difference between a baby and an opera director?
> _A baby sucks his fingers._
> 
> Cheers


beejacon

Remember, this is a family web site. Think of the children???


----------



## kps

Y'all remember...Monday is election day.


As Canada heads into its fourth federal election in seven years here's a little political history lesson...American slant, but worth the read.

For those that don't know about history ... Here is a condensed version: 

Humans originally existed as members of small bands of nomadic hunters/gatherers.They lived on deer in the mountains during the summer and would go to the coast and live on fish and lobster in the winter. 

The two most important events in all of history were the invention of beer and the invention of the wheel. The wheel was invented to get man to the beer. These were the foundation of modern civilization and together were the catalysts for the splitting of humanity into two distinct subgroups: 

1 . Liberals 
2. Conservatives. 

Once beer was discovered, it required grain and that was the beginning of agriculture. Neither the glass bottle nor aluminum can were invented yet, so while our early humans were sitting around waiting for them to be invented, they just stayed close to the brewery. That's how villages were formed. 

Some men spent their days tracking and killing animals to BBQ at night while they were drinking beer. This was the beginning of what is known as the Conservative movement... 

Other men who were weaker and less skilled at hunting learned to live off the conservatives by showing up for the nightly BBQ's and doing the sewing, fetching, and hair dressing. This was the beginning of the Liberal movement..

Some of these liberal men eventually evolved into women. They became known as girlie-men. Some noteworthy liberal achievements include the domestication of cats, the invention of group therapy, group hugs, and the concept of Democratic voting to decide how to divide the meat and beer that conservatives provided. 


Over the years conservatives came to be symbolized by the largest, most powerful land animal on earth, the elephant. Liberals are symbolized by the jackass for obvious reasons. 

Modern liberals like imported beer (with lime added), but most prefer white wine or imported bottled water. They eat raw fish but like their beef well done. Sushi, tofu, and French food are standard liberal fare.. 

Another interesting evolutionary side note: most of their women have higher testosterone levels than their men. Most social workers, personal injury attorneys, journalists, dreamers in Hollywood and group therapists are liberals. Liberals invented the designated hitter rule because it wasn't fair to make the pitcher also bat. 

Conservatives drink domestic beer, mostly Bud or Miller. They eat red meat and still provide for their women. Conservatives are big game hunters, rodeo cowboys, lumberjacks, farmers, construction workers, firemen, medical doctors, police officers, engineers, corporate executives, 
athletes, members of the military, airline pilots and generally anyone who works productively. 

Conservatives who own companies hire other conservatives who want to work for a living. 

Liberals produce little or nothing. They like to govern the producers and decide what to do with the production. Liberals believe Europeans are more enlightened than Americans. That is why most of the liberals remained in Europe when conservatives were coming to America . They crept in after the Wild West was tamed and created a business of trying to get more for nothing.

And there you have it. Let your next action reveal your true self.....I'm going to have another beer.


----------



## gwillikers

A horse and a chicken are playing in a meadow. The horse falls into a mud hole and is sinking. He calls to the chicken to go and get the farmer to help pull him out to safety. The chicken runs to the farm but the farmer can't be found. So he drives the farmer's Mercedes back to the mud hole and ties some rope around the bumper. He then throws the other end of the rope to his friend, the horse, and drives the car forward saving him from sinking! 

A few days later, the chicken and horse were playing in the meadow again and the chicken fell into the mud hole. The chicken yelled to the horse to go and get some help from the farmer. The horse said, "I think I can stand over the hole!" So he stretched over the width of the hole and said, "Grab for my 'thingy' and pull yourself up." And the chicken did and pulled himself to safety.

The moral of the story:








If you are hung like a horse, you don't need a Mercedes to pick up chicks.


----------



## boukman2

STEPHEN HARPER was visiting an Ontario primary school and the class was in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings. The teacher asked Mr. Harper if he would like to lead the discussion on the word 'Tragedy'.

So our illustrious leader asked the class for an example of a 'Tragedy'.

A little boy stood up and offered, "If my best friend, who lives on a farm, is playin' in the field and a tractor runs over him and kills him, that would be a tragedy."

"Incorrect", said Harper. "That would be an accident."

A little girl raised her hand, "If a school bus carrying fifty children drove over a cliff, killing everybody inside, that would be a tragedy."

'I'm afraid not', explained Harper, "that's what we would refer to as a great loss''

The room went silent. No other children volunteered. Harper searched the room. 'Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?'

Finally, at the back of the room, little Johnny raised his hand and said, "If a plane carrying you and your MPs was struck by a 'friendly fire' missile & blown to smithereens, that would be a tragedy."

"Fantastic", exclaimed Harper, "and can you tell me why that would be a tragedy?"

"Well," said Johnny, "it has to be a tragedy, because it certainly wouldn't be a great loss, and it probably wouldn't be a f***ing accident either!"


----------



## Dr.G.

boukman2 said:


> STEPHEN HARPER was visiting an Ontario primary school and the class was in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings. The teacher asked Mr. Harper if he would like to lead the discussion on the word 'Tragedy'.
> 
> So our illustrious leader asked the class for an example of a 'Tragedy'.
> 
> A little boy stood up and offered, "If my best friend, who lives on a farm, is playin' in the field and a tractor runs over him and kills him, that would be a tragedy."
> 
> "Incorrect", said Harper. "That would be an accident."
> 
> A little girl raised her hand, "If a school bus carrying fifty children drove over a cliff, killing everybody inside, that would be a tragedy."
> 
> 'I'm afraid not', explained Harper, "that's what we would refer to as a great loss''
> 
> The room went silent. No other children volunteered. Harper searched the room. 'Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?'
> 
> Finally, at the back of the room, little Johnny raised his hand and said, "If a plane carrying you and your MPs was struck by a 'friendly fire' missile & blown to smithereens, that would be a tragedy."
> 
> "Fantastic", exclaimed Harper, "and can you tell me why that would be a tragedy?"
> 
> "Well," said Johnny, "it has to be a tragedy, because it certainly wouldn't be a great loss, and it probably wouldn't be a f***ing accident either!"


:lmao:


----------



## gwillikers

NDP surge? 

Do not get too excited. 

It is only a premature eJackuLayton.


----------



## tilt

gwillikers said:


> NDP surge?
> 
> Do not get too excited.
> 
> It is only a premature eJackuLayton.


Very clever


----------



## Vandave

..


----------



## SINC

An old man goes to the wizard to ask if he can remove a curse he's been living with for the last 40 years. 

The wizard says, "Maybe, but you'll have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you." 

The old man said without hesitation, "I now pronounce you man and wife."


----------



## SINC

A new way to avoid any .08 alcohol issues while driving:

I went out with some friends last night and tied one on.

Knowing that I was wasted, I did something that I have never done before.

I took a bus home.

I arrived home safe and warm, which seemed really surprising as I have never driven a bus before.


----------



## Dr.G.

SINC said:


> A new way to avoid any .08 alcohol issues while driving:
> 
> I went out with some friends last night and tied one on.
> 
> Knowing that I was wasted, I did something that I have never done before.
> 
> I took a bus home.
> 
> I arrived home safe and warm, which seemed really surprising as I have never driven a bus before.


:lmao:XX)


----------



## SINC

From a recent police report:

Orville Smith, a store manager for Best Buy said he observed a male customer, on surveillance cameras putting a laptop computer under his jacket. 

When confronted the man became irate, knocked down an employee, drew a knife and ran for the door. Outside on the sidewalk were four soldiers collecting toys for needy kids. 

Smith said the soldiers stopped the man, but he stabbed one of them in the back; the injury did not appear to be severe.

After police and an ambulance arrived at the scene the injured soldier was transported for treatment.

The subject was also transported to the local hospital with two broken arms, a broken ankle, a broken leg, several missing teeth, possible broken ribs, multiple contusions, assorted lacerations, a broken nose and a broken jaw, injuries he sustained when he slipped and fell off the curb after stabbing the soldier.


----------



## Dr.G.

*FREE KITTENS*
A pretty little girl named Suzy was standing on the sidewalk in front of her home. Next to her was a basket containing a number of tiny creatures; in her hand was a sign announcing FREE KITTENS.

Suddenly a line of big black cars pulled up beside her. Out of the lead car stepped a tall, grinning man.

"Hi there little girl, I'm Prime Minister Harper. What do you have in the basket?" he asked.

"Kittens," little Suzy said.

"How old are they?" asked PM Harper.

Suzy replied, "They're so young, their eyes aren't even open yet."

"And what kind of kittens are they?"

"CONSERVATIVE," answered Suzy with a smile.

PM Harper was delighted. As soon as he returned to his car, he called his PR chief and told him about the little girl and the kittens.

Recognizing the perfect photo op, the two men agreed that PM Harper should return the next day; and in front of the assembled media, have the girl talk about her discerning kittens.

So the next day, Suzy was again standing on the sidewalk with her basket of "FREE KITTENS," when another motorcade pulled up, this time followed by vans from CBC, CTV, Global and even CNN.

Cameras and audio equipment were quickly set up. Then, PM Harper got out of his limo and walked over to little Suzy.

"Hello, again," he said, "I'd love it if you would tell all my friends out there what kind of kittens you're giving away."

"Yes sir," Suzy said. "They're - ABC -ANYTHING BUT CONSERVATIVE"

Taken by surprise, PM Harper stammered, "But... but.... yesterday, you told me they were CONSERVATIVE."

Little Suzy smiled and said, "I know ........ but today, they have their eyes open".


----------



## gwillikers

Love that one Don, so much so that it may end up on my FB page. 



SINC said:


> From a recent police report:
> 
> Orville Smith, a store manager for Best Buy said he observed a male customer, on surveillance cameras putting a laptop computer under his jacket.
> 
> When confronted the man became irate, knocked down an employee, drew a knife and ran for the door. Outside on the sidewalk were four soldiers collecting toys for needy kids.
> 
> Smith said the soldiers stopped the man, but he stabbed one of them in the back; the injury did not appear to be severe.
> 
> After police and an ambulance arrived at the scene the injured soldier was transported for treatment.
> 
> The subject was also transported to the local hospital with two broken arms, a broken ankle, a broken leg, several missing teeth, possible broken ribs, multiple contusions, assorted lacerations, a broken nose and a broken jaw, injuries he sustained when he slipped and fell off the curb after stabbing the soldier.


----------



## GratuitousApplesauce

Apparently this is an old joke, but I had never heard it before:

There was a ship on its way back to port with a load of the King's gold. Still far from home, it was approached by a nasty looking pirate ship flying the skull and cross bones.

"Captain, Captain, what do we do?" asked the first mate.

"First mate," said the brave and dashing Captain, "go to my cabin, open my sea chest, and bring me my red shirt." The first mate did so.

Wearing his bright red shirt, the stalwart Captain exhorted his crew to fight. So inspiring was he, in fact, that the pirate ship was repelled without casualties.

A few days later, the ship was again approached, this time by two even nastier looking pirate ships.

"Captain, Captain, what should we do?"

"First mate, bring me my red shirt!"

The crew, emboldened by their fearless and daring Captain, fought heroically, and managed to defeat both boarding parties, though they took many casualties. 

That night, the crew had a great celebration. The first mate asked the Captain the secret of his bright red shirt. "It's simple, first mate. If I am wounded, the blood does not show, and the crew continues to fight without fear."

A week passed, and they were nearing their home port, when suddenly the lookout cried that ten ships of the enemy's armada were approaching!

"Captain, Captain, we're in terrible trouble, what do we do?" 
The first mate looked expectantly at his stouthearted Captain.

Suddenly pale and limp with fear, the Captain said in almost a whisper, "First mate.... bring me my brown pants"


----------



## winwintoo

This is new to me, sorry if it's been posted already.

A revelation with an Incredibly Big Message (IBM): 
*
Well, you might have thought that you knew how the Internet started, but here's the TRUE story....
*
In ancient Israel, it came to pass that a trader by the name of Abraham Com did take unto himself a young wife by the name of Dot.
*
And Dot Com was a comely woman, broad of shoulder and long of leg. Indeed, she was often called Amazon Dot Com. And she said unto Abraham, her husband: "Why dost thou travel so far from town to town with thy goods when thou canst trade without ever leaving thy tent?"
*
And Abraham did look at her - as though she were several saddle bags short of a camel load, but simply said: "How, dear?" 
*
And Dot replied: "I will place drums in all the towns and drums in between to send messages saying what you have for sale, and they will reply telling you who hath the best price. And the sale can be made on the drums and delivery made by Uriah's Pony Stable* (UPS)." 
*
Abraham thought long and decided he would let Dot have her way with the drums.
*
And the drums rang out and were an immediate success. Abraham sold all the goods he had at the top price, without ever having to move from his tent.
*
To prevent neighboring countries from overhearing what the drums were saying, Dot devised a system that only she and the drummers knew.
*
It was called Must Send Drum Over Sound (MSDOS), and she also developed a language to transmit ideas and pictures - Hebrew To The People (HTTP).
*
But this success did arouse envy. A man named Maccabia did secret himself inside Abraham's*tent and began to siphon off some of Abraham's business. But he was soon discovered, arrested and prosecuted - for insider trading.
*
And the young men did take to Dot Com's trading as doth the greedy horsefly take to camel dung.* They were called Nomadic Ecclesiastical Rich Dominican Sybarites, or NERDS. And lo, the land was so feverish with joy at the new riches and the deafening sound of drums that no one noticed that the real riches were going to that enterprising drum dealer, Brother William of Gates, who bought off every drum maker in the land. 
*
And indeed did insist on drums to be made that would work only with Brother Gates' drumheads and drumsticks. 
*
And Dot did say: "Oh, Abraham, what we have started is being taken over by*others." 
*
And Abraham looked out over the Bay of Ezekiel, or eBay as it came to be known. He said: "We need a name that reflects what we are." 
*
And Dot replied: "Young Ambitious Hebrew Owner Operators." "YAHOO," said Abraham. And because it was Dot's idea, they named it YAHOO Dot Com.
*
Abraham's cousin, Joshua, being the young Gregarious Energetic Educated Kid (GEEK) that he was, soon started using Dot's drums to locate things around the countryside. 
*
It soon became known as God's Own Official Guide to Locating Everything (GOOGLE) 
*
And that is how it all began.


----------



## Aurora

I never knew that.


----------



## SINC

This morning I waded across a raging river,

escaped from a bear in the woods,

marched up and down a mountain,

stood in a patch of poison ivy,

crawled out of quicksand,

and climbed up an enormous tree!

My friend said, boy you must be quite the outdoorsman!"

"No," I replied, "I'm just a lousy golfer."


----------



## gwillikers

A guy goes to the doctor and says "doc, you gotta help me, I can't stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home." Doctor says "hmm, sounds like you've got Tom Jones Syndrome." 

Patient asks "is that rare?" Doc responds "it's not unusual."


----------



## SINC

A Doctor, while acquainting himself with a new elderly patient, asked, ‘How long have you been bedridden?’

After a look of complete confusion, she answered, ‘Why, not for about twenty years, ever since my husband was alive.’


----------



## CubaMark

SINC said:


> A Doctor, while acquainting himself with a new elderly patient, asked, ‘How long have you been bedridden?’
> 
> After a look of complete confusion, she answered, ‘Why, not for about twenty years, ever since my husband was alive.’


----------



## M4CL0v1nM0nk3y

lol awesome thread


----------



## gwillikers

A dying granny tells her granddaughter, "I want to leave you my farm. That includes the villa, the tractor and other equipment, the farmhouse and $22,398,750 in cash."
The granddaughter, about to be rich, says, "oh my granny, you are so generous. I didn't even know you had a farm. Where is it?" 
With her last breath, her granny whispered -Facebook.


----------



## SINC

A young man from Victoria, B.C. was hired as the lifeguard at the pool at the Prime Minister's residence at 24 Sussex Drive.

The Harper family was making use of the pool when one of their two children encountered some difficulty and cried for help.

The lifeguard ignored the cries, so the Prime Minister himself had to plunge into the pool to rescue the boy.

Afterwards, Harper grilled the lifeguard. "You ass! Didn't you see that my son was in trouble?"

"Yes, sir, but I can't swim."

"How the hell did you land the job of lifeguard then?," he asked.

''I'm bilingual.”


----------



## gwillikers

Three sisters, ages 92, 94, and 96, live together. One night the 96-year-old draws a bath. She puts one foot in and pauses. "Was I getting in the tub or out?" she yells.

The 94-year-old hollers back, "I don't know, I'll come up to see." She starts up the stairs and stops. She shouts, "Was I going up or going down?"

The 92-year-old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea, listening to her sisters. She shakes her head and says, "I sure hope I never get that forgetful", and knocks on wood for good measure. Then she yells,

"I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who's at the door."


----------



## The Doug

A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are rolled back. 

The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls 911. He gasps to the operator, _My friend is dead! What can I do?_ 

The operator says calmly, _Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead._ 

A moment of silence... and the operator hears a gunshot.

The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says: _OK, now what?_


----------



## CubaMark




----------



## Macfury

Depression era joke:

"I hear your brother was trying to get into the WPA," said one man to another. 
"What's he doing now?" 
"Nothing," was the reply. 
"Oh, he got the job?"


----------



## Dr.G.

Macfury said:


> Depression era joke:
> 
> "I hear your brother was trying to get into the WPA," said one man to another.
> "What's he doing now?"
> "Nothing," was the reply.
> "Oh, he got the job?"


It was no joke in my family, Macfury. My father got a job with the WPA and helped build The Lost Battalion Hall in NYC back in 1939. The amazing thing was that my father, born and raised in Brooklyn, moved my mom and me, when I was 6 months old from his parent's home in Brooklyn to Rego Park, NY, which was about 10 blocks from the Lost Battalion Hall.

So, it might be a joke for you, but the WPA helped to fund the construction of public buildings and roads, and operated large arts, drama, media, and literacy projects, as well as feeding many rural and urban children and redistributed food, clothing, and provided decent housing. 

Granted, to a libertarian, these things may mean little since it should not be the role of government to help those in need ............ but for those who worked hard to earn a real wage during the Great Depression, and were helped by the countless New Deal programs, your joke will most likely fall flat.

Museums with Lost Battalion Info

Sorry, I did not mean to derail this thread which is all about jokes of the day. Mea culpa.


----------



## Macfury

Dr. G: I understand the WPA. It is a joke from the 1930s, told by people in the 1930s. I just came across it.


----------



## Dr T

Macfury said:


> ...joke:
> 
> ... WPA," said one man to another.
> ..."


N TK WLH OLFF, "joke", ʔaḥʔaaʔƛ LFS, QQS.


----------



## Macfury

FUNEM?
S!
FUNEX?
S!
LFMNX, 10q!


----------



## CubaMark

_*I wouldn't be surprised if this is already in this thread somewhere - forgive me for not going through al 64 pages to check!*_


----------



## SINC

After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Walmart. Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - she loves to browse. Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from the local store:

Dear Mrs. Wilson,

Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Wilson, are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras: 

1. June 15: He took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's carts when they weren't looking. 

2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals. 

3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the First Aid Kit in Power Tools.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away'. This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose time and costing the company money. 

5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layaway. 

6. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area. 

7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged.

8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone' and the police were called.

9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.

10. September 10: While handling guns in the Sporting Goods department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.

11. October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the ' Mission Impossible' theme.

12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his "Madonna look" by using different sizes of funnels.

13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'

14. October 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'

And last, but not least:

15. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here.'


----------



## SINC

A man goes into a restaurant and is seated. All the waitresses are gorgeous. A particularly voluptuous waitress wearing a very short skirt and legs that won't quit came to his table and asked if he was ready to order, "What would you like, sir?"

He looks at the menu and then scans her beautiful frame top to bottom, then answers, "A quickie."

The waitress turns and walks away in disgust.

After she regains her composure she returns and asks again, "What would you like, sir?"

Again the man thoroughly checks her out and again answers, "A quickie, please."

This time her anger takes over, she reaches over and slaps him across the face with a resounding "SMACK!" and storms away.

A man sitting at the next table leans over and whispers to the guy, "Um, I think it's pronounced 'quiche'."


----------



## luigino

One good place to find poor grammar, syntax, and overall lack of composition is the Internet. The following is most apropos:

From a Teacher -- short and to the point!
In the world of hi-tech gadgetry, I've noticed that more and more people who send text messages and emails have long forgotten the art of capitalization.
For those of you who fall into this category, please take note of the following statement...
"Capitalization is the difference between helping your Uncle Jack off a horse and helping your uncle jack off a horse."

Is everybody clear on that?
:lmao::lmao::lmao:


----------



## Dr T

luigino said:


> One good place to find poor grammar, syntax, and overall lack of composition is the Internet. The following is most apropos:
> 
> From a Teacher -- short and to the point!
> In the world of hi-tech gadgetry, I've noticed that more and more people who send text messages and emails have long forgotten the art of capitalization.
> For those of you who fall into this category, please take note of the following statement...
> "Capitalization is the difference between helping your Uncle Jack off a horse and helping your uncle jack off a horse."
> 
> Is everybody clear on that?
> :lmao::lmao::lmao:


Firstly, may I be really picky and point out that your example has nothing to do with grammar, syntax, or composition, but you are spot on about capitalization, or more precisely the lack thereof in too, too many emails. 

So, secondly, I applaud your promulgation of this example.


----------



## SINC

A young Texan grew up wanting to be a law man. He grew up big, 6' 2'', strong as a longhorn and fast as a mustang. He could shoot a bottle cap tossed in the air at 40 paces.

When he finally came of age, he applied to where he had always dreamed of working: a West Texas Sheriff's Department.

After a big mess of tests and interviews, the Sheriff finally called him into his office for the young man's last interview.

The Sheriff said, "You're a big strong kid and you can really shoot. So far your qualifications all look real good, but we have what you might call an 'attitude suitability test' that you must take before you can be accepted. We just don't let anyone carry our badge son."

Then, sliding a service pistol and a box of ammo across the desk, the Sheriff said, "Take this pistol and go out and shoot:

Six illegal aliens,
Six lawyers,
Six meth dealers,
Six Muslim extremists and a rabbit"

"Why the rabbit?"

"Great attitude. You pass." says the Sheriff. "When can you start?"


----------



## tilt

‘Britain used to be a Kingdom, ruled by a King; then it was an Empire, ruled by an Empress; and now we’re just a Country.' - Jeremy Clarkson

Cheers


----------



## The Doug

*'Twas The Night Before A Technical Writer's Christmas*

'Twas the nocturnal segment of the diurnal period preceding the annual Yuletide celebration, and throughout our place of residence, kinetic activity was not in evidence among the possessors of this potential, including that species of domestic rodent known as Mus musculus. Hosiery was meticulously suspended from the forward edge of the wood burning caloric apparatus, pursuant to our anticipatory pleasure regarding an imminent visitation from an eccentric philanthropist among whose folkloric appellations is the honorific title of St. Nicholas. 

The prepubescent siblings, comfortably ensconced in their respective accommodations of repose, were experiencing subconscious visual hallucinations of variegated fruit confections moving rhythmically through their cerebrums. My conjugal partner and I, attired in our nocturnal head coverings, were about to take slumberous advantage of the hibernal darkness when upon the avenaceous exterior portion of the grounds there ascended such a cacophony of dissonance that I felt compelled to arise with alacrity from my place of repose for the purpose of ascertaining the precise source thereof. 

Hastening to the casement, I forthwith opened the barriers sealing this fenestration, noting thereupon that the lunar brilliance without, reflected as it was on the surface of a recent crystalline precipitation, might be said to rival that of the solar meridian itself - thus permitting my incredulous optical sensory organs to behold a miniature airborne runnered conveyance drawn by eight diminutive specimens of the genus Rangifer, piloted by a minuscule, aged chauffeur so ebullient and nimble that it became instantly apparent to me that he was indeed our anticipated caller. With his ungulate motive power travelling at what may possibly have been more vertiginous velocity than patriotic alar predators, he vociferated loudly, expelled breath musically through contracted labia, and addressed each of the octet by his or her respective cognomen - "Now Dasher, now Dancer..." et al. - guiding them to the uppermost exterior level of our abode, through which structure I could readily distinguish the concatenations of each of the 32 cloven pedal extremities. 

As I retracted my cranium from its erstwhile location, and was performing a 180-degree pivot, our distinguished visitant achieved - with utmost celerity and via a downward leap - entry by way of the smoke passage. He was clad entirely in animal pelts soiled by the ebony residue from oxidations of carboniferous fuels which had accumulated on the walls thereof. His resemblance to a street vendor I attributed largely to the plethora of assorted playthings which he bore dorsally in a commodious cloth receptacle. 

His orbs were scintillant with reflected luminosity, while his submaxillary dermal indentations gave every evidence of engaging amiability. The capillaries of his malar regions and nasal appurtenance were engorged with blood which suffused the subcutaneous layers, the former approximating the coloration of Albion's floral emblem, the latter that of the Prunus avium, or sweet cherry. His amusing sub- and supralabials resembled nothing so much as a common loop knot, and their ambient hirsute facial adornment appeared like small, tabular and columnar crystals of frozen water. 

Clenched firmly between his incisors was a smoking piece whose grey fumes, forming a tenuous ellipse about his occiput, were suggestive of a decorative seasonal circlet of holly. His visage was wider than it was high, and when he waxed audibly mirthful, his corpulent abdominal region undulated in the manner of impectinated fruit syrup in a hemispherical container. He was, in short, neither more nor less than an obese, jocund, multigenarian gnome, the optical perception of whom rendered me visibly frolicsome despite every effort to refrain from so being. By rapidly lowering and then elevating one eyelid and rotating his head slightly to one side, he indicated that trepidation on my part was groundless. 

Without utterance and with dispatch, he commenced filling the aforementioned appended hosiery with various of the aforementioned articles of merchandise extracted from his aforementioned previously dorsally transported cloth receptacle. Upon completion of this task, he executed an abrupt about- face, placed a single manual digit in lateral juxtaposition to his olfactory organ, inclined his cranium forward in a gesture of leave-taking, and forthwith effected his egress by renegotiating (in reverse) the smoke passage. He then propelled himself in a short vector onto his conveyance, directed a musical expulsion of air through his contracted oral sphincter to the antlered quadrupeds of burden, and proceeded to soar aloft in a movement hitherto observable chiefly among the seed-bearing portions of a common weed. But I overheard his parting exclamation, audible immediately prior to his vehiculation beyond the limits of visibility: "Ecstatic Yuletide to the planetary constituency, and to that self same assemblage, my sincerest wishes for a salubriously beneficial and gratifyingly pleasurable period between sunset and dawn."


----------



## KC4

Kulula humour


----------



## The Doug

Letters of Note: She doesn't answer the phone


----------



## gwillikers

I was in a pub on Saturday night. Had a few...

I noticed two quite large women by the bar.
They both had strong accents so I asked, "Hey, are
you two ladies from Scotland?"

One of them chirped: "It's WALES you friggin' idiot!"

So, I immediately apologized and said ..., "Sorry, are
you two whales from Scotland?"

That's the last thing I remember.


----------



## SINC

Prime Minster Harper got off the helicopter in front of Parliament Buildings - carrying a baby piglet under each arm.

The squared-away Mountie guard snapped to attention, saluted and said: "Nice pigs, sir.

"The Prime Minister replied: "These are not pigs. These are authentic Arkansas Razorback Hogs. 

I got one for Minster of Defense, Peter MacKay, and I got one for Minster of International Cooperation, Bev Oda."

The squared-away Mountie again snapped to attention, salutes and said, "Excellent trade, Sir."


----------



## Dr.G.

"Excellent trade, Sir." :lmao::clap::lmao::lmao:


----------



## Aurora

It was an international conference in Paris and Angela Merkel of Germany was to meet with Hollande there. At French Customs, she was asked "occupation?" She replied "No, just visiting"


----------



## Lawrence

Pauline Marois (the new Premier of Quebec) consults a fortune teller.

Concentrating hard, the fortune teller closes her eyes and tells Marois:
"I see you moving down a grand boulevard, in an open-roofed car, and the crowds are shouting Hurrahs!"

Pauline Marois smiles and asks:
"So, the crowd is happy?"

"Yes, like you wouldn't believe!"
"And there are people running behind my car?"

"Yes, they are surrounding the car, and they're all going crazy.
The police are having a hard time clearing the way for your car and managing the crowd."

"The people are waving flags?"

"Yes, they are waving the Quebec flag and holding up banners expressing words of hope for a better future."

"Really? And the crowds are cheering and celebrating?"

"Yes, the crowd is marching along, chanting 'Now, at last, things will be better!'

"And what about me? - How am I reacting to all of this?"

"I can't tell."

"Why is that?"

"The coffin is closed."


----------



## Dr.G.

Lawrence said:


> Pauline Marois (the new Premier of Quebec) consults a fortune teller.
> 
> Concentrating hard, the fortune teller closes her eyes and tells Marois:
> "I see you moving down a grand boulevard, in an open-roofed car, and the crowds are shouting Hurrahs!"
> 
> Pauline Marois smiles and asks:
> "So, the crowd is happy?"
> 
> "Yes, like you wouldn't believe!"
> "And there are people running behind my car?"
> 
> "Yes, they are surrounding the car, and they're all going crazy.
> The police are having a hard time clearing the way for your car and managing the crowd."
> 
> "The people are waving flags?"
> 
> "Yes, they are waving the Quebec flag and holding up banners expressing words of hope for a better future."
> 
> "Really? And the crowds are cheering and celebrating?"
> 
> "Yes, the crowd is marching along, chanting 'Now, at last, things will be better!'
> 
> "And what about me? - How am I reacting to all of this?"
> 
> "I can't tell."
> 
> "Why is that?"
> 
> "The coffin is closed."


XX) "je me souviens".


----------



## Rps

Here's a quickie:

Two snakes were slithering through a field when one sez to the other, " are we poisionous?", why sez the other, "cuz I just bit my lip" sez the first.


----------



## Dr.G.

Rps said:


> Here's a quickie:
> 
> Two snakes were slithering through a field when one sez to the other, " are we poisionous?", why sez the other, "cuz I just bit my lip" sez the first.


:lmao::lmao:


----------



## CubaMark

_A fair amount of foul language here, but a hilarious read..._

*How Not to Sell a Car on Craigslist*


----------



## tilt

It all makes sense now: 

Gay marriage legalised in Washington state on the same day as marijuana, makes perfect biblical sense.

Leviticus 20:13 – “A man who lays with another man should be stoned.”

Our interpretation has just been wrong for all these years!


----------



## Dr.G.

tilt said:


> It all makes sense now:
> 
> Gay marriage legalised in Washington state on the same day as marijuana, makes perfect biblical sense.
> 
> Leviticus 20:13 – “A man who lays with another man should be stoned.”
> 
> Our interpretation has just been wrong for all these years!


:lmao:


----------



## tilt

I seem to have a talent for posting stuff that makes Dr.G go EEK. 

Cheers


----------



## Dr.G.

tilt said:


> I seem to have a talent for posting stuff that makes Dr.G go EEK.
> 
> Cheers


"When you've got it, flaunt it." Paix, mon ami.

:clap::clap::clap:

We miss you in The Shang.


----------



## Lawrence

Investment Opportunity

Thought you might want to consider getting on board early....

A British Engineer just started his own business in Afghanistan.

He's making land mines that look like prayer mats.

It's doing well.

He says prophets are going through the roof!


----------



## jamesB

Lawrence said:


> Investment Opportunity
> 
> Thought you might want to consider getting on board early....
> 
> A British Engineer just started his own business in Afghanistan.
> 
> He's making land mines that look like prayer mats.
> 
> It's doing well.
> 
> He says prophets are going through the roof!


Only problem though as an investment, you don't get many (any) repeat customers.


----------



## iMouse

jamesB said:


> Only problem though as an investment, you don't get many (any) repeat customers.


That's OK.

He has a fast turn-over.


----------



## Lawrence

An Old Jamaican man lived alone in the country. He wanted to dig his Yellow Yam and Sweet Potato Garden, but it was very hard work as the ground was hard.

His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:

Dear Vincent, I am feeling pretty badly because it looks like I won’t be able to plant my Yellow Yam and Sweet Potato Garden this year. I’m just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. I know if you were here my troubles would be over. I know you would be happy to dig the plot for me….Love, Dad

A few days later he received a letter from his son:

"Dear Dad, Don’t dig up that garden. That’s where I buried the money."
Love, Vinnie

At 4 a.m. The next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any money. They apologized to the old man and left. That same day the old man received another letter from his son:

"Dear Dad, Go ahead and plant the Yams and Potatoes now. That’s the best I could do under the circumstances."


----------



## Dr.G.

tilt said:


> I seem to have a talent for posting stuff that makes Dr.G go EEK.
> 
> Cheers


True ............. which is why I have suggested that you get a role on "The Republic of Doyle".


----------



## jamesB

*Tight Skirt*

In a crowded city at a busy bus stop, a beautiful young
woman wearing a tight mini skirt was waiting for a bus. 

As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware
that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the
height of the first step of the bus.

Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus
driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little.
Thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg. 
She tried to take the step, only to discover that she couldn't.

So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached
behind her to unzip her skirt a little more, and for the second
time attempted the step.

Once again, much to her chagrin, she could not raise
her leg.

With a little smile to the driver, she again! reached
behind to unzip a little more and again was unable to take the
step.

About this time, a large Texan who was standing behind
her picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently
on the step of the bus.

She went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan
and yelled, "How dare you touch my body! I don't even know you
who do you think you are?!"

The Texan smiled and drawled, "Well, ma'am, normally I
would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three
times, I kinda figured we was friends."


----------



## macintosh doctor

A healthy Marriage :
So after a long days work, husband comes home and sits at the dinner table, ask his wife.. whats for dinner? she replies nothing.. 
But the husband answers back “ that was last night” the exhausted wife replies when i do something I do enough for two days 

Later that evening - they are in bed and husband asks wife if she can shake and rattle the bed, wife asks why? the husband replies so the neighbors think we had sex, the next morning at the breakfast table, the wife asks the husband “ could you please klang the fork and knife against the empty plate” the husband replies why? the wife says so the neighbors think we followed up with a healthy breakfast.. 
LOL


----------



## Rps

If life gives you a lemon, make lemonade.

If life hands you a cannon, make a cannonade.


----------



## pm-r

Rps said:


> If life gives you a lemon, make lemonade.
> 
> If life hands you a cannon, make a cannonade.



And I din't even know the word _cannonade_ existed until I looked it up… 

So OK!!!


----------



## Rps

A blind guy on a bar stool shouts to the bartender, "Wanna hear a blonde joke?"

In a hushed voice, the guy next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, you should know something."

Our bartender IS blonde, the bouncer is blonde. I'm a 6' tall, 200 lb black belt. The guy sitting next to me is 6'2", weighs 225, and he's a rugby player. The fella to your right is 6'5" pushing 300 and he's a wrestler. Each one of US is blonde. Think about it, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?"

The blind guy says, "Nah, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."


----------



## Rps

Four old men went into the pro shop after playing 18 holes of golf.

The pro asked, "Did you guys have a good game today?"

The first old guy said, "Yes, I had three riders today."

The second old guy said, "I had the most riders ever. I had five."

The third old guy said, "I had seven riders, the same as last time."

The last old man said, "I beat my old record. I had 12 riders today."

After they went into the locker room, another golfer who had heard the old guys talking about their game went to the pro and said, "I've been playing golf for a long time and thought I knew all the terminology of the game, but what's a rider?"

The pro said, "A rider is when you hit the ball far enough to actually get in the golf cart and ride to it."


----------



## Aurora

Not a joke. True story but I didn't know where else to post it.
I was laying in bed watching tv when the commercial about The Cookie Monster baking cookies came on. At one point, the Cookie Monster says "Siri. Set timer for 14 minutes" and my iPad, laying on the bedside table says, "OK Rob, timer set for 14 minutes."
Gave me a chuckle.


----------



## Macfury

That's funny, Aurora!


----------



## pm-r

_



Not a joke. True story but I didn't know where else to post it.

Click to expand...

_Funny.

And for those who haven't seen it… or the background…
Apple Timer for Cookie Monster - The Inspiration Room


----------



## Rps

A man asks a farmer near a field, “Sorry sir, would you mind if I crossed your field instead of going around it? You see, I have to catch the 4:23 train.”
The farmer says, “Sure, go right ahead. And if my bull sees you, you’ll even catch the 4:11 one.”


----------



## Rps

The traffic helicopter for radio stations in the Seattle / Tacoma area was up one morning when an unexpected fog bank rolled in, making flight dangerous. Both the pilot and the reporter were looking for landmarks. Their search was fruitless, to the point that fuel was running low, when suddenly they were right upon a large, multi-story office building. The were so close to the building that they could make out facial expressions on the office workers.

The reporter hastily wrote out this question on the back of some paper on his clipboard; "Where are we."

One of the office workers quickly wrote out a reply and held it up to the window. His reply was; "In a helicopter."

The pilot, as he was changing directions, said to the reporter "Okay, we're at the Microsoft building. So, we turn 45 degrees to the right and we will be at the airport in two minutes.

The reporter asked him how he knew that was the Microsoft building from that answer. The pilots reply was "The help was 100% accurate, yet completely useless."


----------



## Dr.G.

Rps said:


> The traffic helicopter for radio stations in the Seattle / Tacoma area was up one morning when an unexpected fog bank rolled in, making flight dangerous. Both the pilot and the reporter were looking for landmarks. Their search was fruitless, to the point that fuel was running low, when suddenly they were right upon a large, multi-story office building. The were so close to the building that they could make out facial expressions on the office workers.
> 
> The reporter hastily wrote out this question on the back of some paper on his clipboard; "Where are we."
> 
> One of the office workers quickly wrote out a reply and held it up to the window. His reply was; "In a helicopter."
> 
> The pilot, as he was changing directions, said to the reporter "Okay, we're at the Microsoft building. So, we turn 45 degrees to the right and we will be at the airport in two minutes.
> 
> The reporter asked him how he knew that was the Microsoft building from that answer. The pilots reply was "The help was 100% accurate, yet completely useless."


:lmao::clap::lmao:


----------



## bse5150

.


----------



## bse5150

.


----------



## Rps

Report to Moderator8/14/2016 2:22 PMEmail dmiller View dmiller's MP3 Archive View dmiller's Photo Albums Reply with Quote
Critical Thinking At Its Best! 

A Woman Asks:
Do you drink beer??

Man Answers:
Yes. 

Woman: 
How many beers a day?

Man: 
Usually about 3. 

Woman: 
How much do you pay per beer?

Man: 
$5.00 which includes a tip.

Woman:
And how long have you been drinking?

Man: 
About 20 years, I suppose .

Woman: 
So a beer costs $5.00 and you have 3 beers a day which puts your spending each month
at $450.00. In one year, it would be approximately $5400.00. Correct?

Man: 
Correct.

Woman: 
If in 1 year you spend $5400.00, not accounting for inflation,
the past 20 years puts your spending at $108,000.00. Correct? 

Man: 
Correct.

Woman: 
Do you know that if you didn't drink so much beer, that money could have been put in a step-up interest savings account and after accounting for compound interest for the past 20 years, you could have now bought a Ferrari, correct?

Man: 
Correct. By the way - - do you drink beer?

Woman: 
No. 

Man: 
Where's your Ferrari?


----------



## Rps

A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five*and six year olds.

After explaining the commandment to "honour" thy Father and thy Mother, she*asked, "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers*and sisters?"

One little boy near the back, the oldest of a family answered, "Thou shall not kill."


----------



## Rps

Q: What makes a man think about a dinner by candlelight? 
A: A power failure. 





Q: How are husbands like lawn mowers? 
A: They're hard to get started, they emit noxious fumes, and half the time they don't work. 





Q: What did the elephant say to the naked man? 

A: "It's cute but can you pick up peanuts with it?" 



Q. Why don't women have men's brains? 
A. Because they don't have penises to keep them in! 



Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail? 
A: Rename the mail folder "Instruction Manuals." 



Q: How does a man show he's planning for the future? 
A: He buys an extra case of beer


----------



## Dr.G.

Rps said:


> A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five*and six year olds.
> 
> After explaining the commandment to "honour" thy Father and thy Mother, she*asked, "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers*and sisters?"
> 
> One little boy near the back, the oldest of a family answered, "Thou shall not kill."


:lmao::clap::lmao:


----------



## Rps

A guy meets a sex worker in a bar. She says, ‘This is your lucky night. I’ve got a special game for you. I’ll do absolutely anything you want for £300 as long as you can say it in three words.’ The guy replies, ‘Hey, why not?’ He pulls his wallet out of his pocket and lays £300 on the bar, and says slowly. ‘Paint…my….house!


----------



## Dr.G.

:lmao:



Rps said:


> A guy meets a sex worker in a bar. She says, ‘This is your lucky night. I’ve got a special game for you. I’ll do absolutely anything you want for £300 as long as you can say it in three words.’ The guy replies, ‘Hey, why not?’ He pulls his wallet out of his pocket and lays £300 on the bar, and says slowly. ‘Paint…my….house!


----------



## Dr.G.

Student Says He Is Too Smart For First Grade, Then His Teacher Realizes This... - Trendfrenzy

Good answers ...............


----------



## Dr.G.

Morty visits Dr. Saul, the veterinarian, and says, "My dachshund has a problem.&#148;
Dr. Saul says, "So, tell me about the doxie and the problem. &#148;
"It's a Jewish doxie. His name is Saul and he can talk," says Morty.
"He can talk?" the doubting doctor asks.
"Watch this!" Morty points to the dog and commands: " Saul, Fetch!"
Saul the dog, begins to walk toward the door, then turns around and says,
"So why are you talking to me like that? You always order me around like I'm nothing.
And you only call me when you want something.
And then you make me sleep on the floor, with my arthritis.
You give me this fahkahkta food with all the salt and fat, and you tell me it's a special diet.
It tastes like dreck! YOU should eat it yourself!
And do you ever take me for a decent walk?
NO, it's out of the house, a short pish, and right back home.
Maybe if I could stretch out a little, the sciatica wouldn't kill me so much!
I should roll over and play dead for real for all you care!"

Dr. Saul is amazed, "This is remarkable! So, what's the problem?"
Morty says, "He has a hearing problem! I said 'Fetch,' not 'Kvetch."


----------



## Rps

The devout cowboy lost his favorite Bible while he was mending fences out on the range. Three weeks later, a frog walked up to him carrying the Bible in its mouth. The cowboy couldn't believe his eyes. He took the precious book out of the frog's mouth, raised his eyes heavenward and exclaimed, "It's a miracle!" "Not really," said the frog. "Your name is written inside the cover."


----------



## Rps

Baby Frog: Mama, who is smarter- a chicken or a frog?
Mama Frog: We are of course!!

Baby Frog: How do you know?

Mama Frog: Well, who ever heard of Kentucky Fried Frog?


----------



## Dr.G.

Rps said:


> Baby Frog: Mama, who is smarter- a chicken or a frog?
> Mama Frog: We are of course!!
> 
> Baby Frog: How do you know?
> 
> Mama Frog: Well, who ever heard of Kentucky Fried Frog?


:lmao::lmao:


----------



## Rps

If I got 50 cents for every failed math exam, I’d have $ 6.30 now!


----------



## Rps

Teacher: “John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?”
John: “You told me to do it without using tables.”


----------



## Dr.G.

Rps said:


> If I got 50 cents for every failed math exam, I’d have $ 6.30 now!


:lmao::lmao:


----------



## Dr.G.

Rps said:


> Teacher: “John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?”
> John: “You told me to do it without using tables.”


:lmao:


----------



## Rps

Don, maybe SAP suitable

A man staggers into the emergency room with a concussion, multiple bruises, and a five iron wrapped around his neck. Naturally the doctor asks him what happened.

"Well, it was like this" said the man. "I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when at a difficult hole, we both sliced our balls into a pasture of cows. We went to look for them, and while I was rooting around I noticed that one of the cows had something white in it's rear end. I walked over and lifted up the tail, and sure enough, there was a golf ball with my wife's monogram on it stuck right in the middle of the cow's butt. Thats when I made my mistake.

" "What did you do?", asked the doctor.

"Well, I lifted the tail, pointed, and yelled to my wife, "Hey! This looks like yours!"


----------



## Dr.G.

Rps said:


> Don, maybe SAP suitable
> 
> A man staggers into the emergency room with a concussion, multiple bruises, and a five iron wrapped around his neck. Naturally the doctor asks him what happened.
> 
> "Well, it was like this" said the man. "I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when at a difficult hole, we both sliced our balls into a pasture of cows. We went to look for them, and while I was rooting around I noticed that one of the cows had something white in it's rear end. I walked over and lifted up the tail, and sure enough, there was a golf ball with my wife's monogram on it stuck right in the middle of the cow's butt. Thats when I made my mistake.
> 
> " "What did you do?", asked the doctor.
> 
> "Well, I lifted the tail, pointed, and yelled to my wife, "Hey! This looks like yours!"


:lmao:


----------



## Rps

I first heard a version of this parable from an acquaintance.
The point seems to be about how to communicate briefly, but effectively.
====================================
Shortly after the Union Pacific railway linked the U.S. by rail, a man named Flanagan was able to obtain a job as a ticket clerk at a station in the West.

A train was derailed, and the station master told Flanagan to write up a report, to be telegraphed to headquarters.

Here's the original, hand written version
.................................

"The westbound (combined) passenger and freight train struck the same bad stretch of track as has frequently caused several previous derailments.
This caused the engine and three passenger cars to become derailed.
The men among the passengers, along with the train crew and several local volunteers were able, after two hours of labor, to set the engine and cars back upon the tracks, and the train was able to continue without further incident."

The station master was OUTRAGED.
He berated Flanagan mercilessly, reminding him that telegraphy was EXPENSIVE, and that every WORD cost money, which would be deducted from the stationmaster's operating budget.

So here's the telegram, as sent:

" OFF AGAIN, ON AGAIN, GONE AGAIN. FLANAGAN"


----------



## Dr.G.

Rps said:


> I first heard a version of this parable from an acquaintance.
> The point seems to be about how to communicate briefly, but effectively.
> ====================================
> Shortly after the Union Pacific railway linked the U.S. by rail, a man named Flanagan was able to obtain a job as a ticket clerk at a station in the West.
> 
> A train was derailed, and the station master told Flanagan to write up a report, to be telegraphed to headquarters.
> 
> Here's the original, hand written version
> .................................
> 
> "The westbound (combined) passenger and freight train struck the same bad stretch of track as has frequently caused several previous derailments.
> This caused the engine and three passenger cars to become derailed.
> The men among the passengers, along with the train crew and several local volunteers were able, after two hours of labor, to set the engine and cars back upon the tracks, and the train was able to continue without further incident."
> 
> The station master was OUTRAGED.
> He berated Flanagan mercilessly, reminding him that telegraphy was EXPENSIVE, and that every WORD cost money, which would be deducted from the stationmaster's operating budget.
> 
> So here's the telegram, as sent:
> 
> " OFF AGAIN, ON AGAIN, GONE AGAIN. FLANAGAN"


:lmao::clap:


----------



## Rps

Late one night, a burglar broke into a old woman's house. As he was carrying off the TV, the woman admonished him loudly, " By the power of Acts 2:38, the Holy Spirit compels you to stop and surrender!" Surprisingly, the burglar put down the TV and waited quietly until the police arrived. The officer asked the burglar why he had given up so easily. The burglar replied, " I wasn't gonna mess around with that crazy old lady! She has an axe and two .38s!"


----------



## Dr.G.

Rps said:


> Late one night, a burglar broke into a old woman's house. As he was carrying off the TV, the woman admonished him loudly, " By the power of Acts 2:38, the Holy Spirit compels you to stop and surrender!" Surprisingly, the burglar put down the TV and waited quietly until the police arrived. The officer asked the burglar why he had given up so easily. The burglar replied, " I wasn't gonna mess around with that crazy old lady! She has an axe and two .38s!"


:lmao::clap:


----------



## Rps

“An abstract noun,” the teacher said, “is something you can think of, but you can’t touch it. Can you give me an example of one?”
“Sure,” a teenage boy replied. “My father’s new car.”


----------



## Dr.G.

Rps said:


> “An abstract noun,” the teacher said, “is something you can think of, but you can’t touch it. Can you give me an example of one?”
> “Sure,” a teenage boy replied. “My father’s new car.”


:lmao::lmao:


----------



## Rps

Recently seen on a tee shirt:

I am not ARGUING!

I am simply EXPLAINING, again and again, why I am right!


----------



## pm-r

Rps said:


> Recently seen on a tee shirt:
> 
> I am not ARGUING!
> I am simply EXPLAINING, again and again, why I am right!



Take your pick from here if you want some more choices… 

https://www.google.com/search?q=I+a...hUKEwi1_9OI2tDPAhVD42MKHRt_BZQQsAQIHQ#imgrc=_


----------



## CubaMark

*Newfoundland declares war on the U.S.A.*

President Barack Obama was in the Oval Office when his telephone rang.

"Hallo, President Obama " a heavily accented voice said. "This is Archie, up ere 
at the Harp Seal Pub in Badger's Cove, Newfoundland, Canada, he? 
I am callin' to tells ya dat we are officially declaring war on ya!"

"Well Archie," Barack replied, "This is indeed important news ! How big is your army?"

"Right now," said Archie, after a moments calculation "there is myself, me cousin 
Harold , me next-door-neighbor Mick, and the whole dart team from the pub. 
That makes eight!"

Barack paused. "I must tell you Archie that I have one million men in my army 
waiting to move on my command."

"Wow," said Archie. "I'll have at call ya back!"

Sure enough, the next day, Archie called again. " Mr. Obama, the war is still on! 
We have managed to acquire some infantry equipment!"

"And what equipment would that be Archie?" Barack asked.

"Well sir, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Harry 's farm tractor."

President Obama sighed. "I must tell you Archie, that I have 16,000 tanks and 
14,000 armored personnel carriers. Also I've increased my army to one and a half million since we last spoke."

"Lord above", said Archie, "I'll be getting back to ya."

Sure enough, Archie rang again the next day.. " President Obama, the war is still on! 
We have managed to git ourselves airborne! We up an' modified Harrigan's 
ultra-light wit a couple of shotguns in the cockpit, and four boys from the Legion 
have joined us as well!"

Barack was silent for a minute then cleared his throat. 

"I must tell you Archie that I have 10,000 bombers and 20,000 fighter planes. 
My military complex is surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile 
sites. And since we last spoke, I've increased my army to TWO MILLION!"

"Jumpins," said Archie, "l'll have at call youse back."

Sure enough, Archie called again the next day. " President Obama! 
I am sorry to have to tell you dat we have had to call off dis 'ere war."

"I'm sorry to hear that" said Barack . "Why the sudden change of heart?"

Well, sir," said Archie, "we've all sat ourselves down and had a long chat over 
a bunch of pints, and come to realize dat dere's no way we can feed two million 
prisoners.."

CANADIAN CONFIDENCE CANNOT BE SHAKEN

Canadian and Proud of it!!!


----------



## Dr.G.

CubaMark said:


> *Newfoundland declares war on the U.S.A.*
> 
> President Barack Obama was in the Oval Office when his telephone rang.
> 
> "Hallo, President Obama " a heavily accented voice said. "This is Archie, up ere
> at the Harp Seal Pub in Badger's Cove, Newfoundland, Canada, he?
> I am callin' to tells ya dat we are officially declaring war on ya!"
> 
> "Well Archie," Barack replied, "This is indeed important news ! How big is your army?"
> 
> "Right now," said Archie, after a moments calculation "there is myself, me cousin
> Harold , me next-door-neighbor Mick, and the whole dart team from the pub.
> That makes eight!"
> 
> Barack paused. "I must tell you Archie that I have one million men in my army
> waiting to move on my command."
> 
> "Wow," said Archie. "I'll have at call ya back!"
> 
> Sure enough, the next day, Archie called again. " Mr. Obama, the war is still on!
> We have managed to acquire some infantry equipment!"
> 
> "And what equipment would that be Archie?" Barack asked.
> 
> "Well sir, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Harry 's farm tractor."
> 
> President Obama sighed. "I must tell you Archie, that I have 16,000 tanks and
> 14,000 armored personnel carriers. Also I've increased my army to one and a half million since we last spoke."
> 
> "Lord above", said Archie, "I'll be getting back to ya."
> 
> Sure enough, Archie rang again the next day.. " President Obama, the war is still on!
> We have managed to git ourselves airborne! We up an' modified Harrigan's
> ultra-light wit a couple of shotguns in the cockpit, and four boys from the Legion
> have joined us as well!"
> 
> Barack was silent for a minute then cleared his throat.
> 
> "I must tell you Archie that I have 10,000 bombers and 20,000 fighter planes.
> My military complex is surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile
> sites. And since we last spoke, I've increased my army to TWO MILLION!"
> 
> "Jumpins," said Archie, "l'll have at call youse back."
> 
> Sure enough, Archie called again the next day. " President Obama!
> I am sorry to have to tell you dat we have had to call off dis 'ere war."
> 
> "I'm sorry to hear that" said Barack . "Why the sudden change of heart?"
> 
> Well, sir," said Archie, "we've all sat ourselves down and had a long chat over
> a bunch of pints, and come to realize dat dere's no way we can feed two million
> prisoners.."
> 
> CANADIAN CONFIDENCE CANNOT BE SHAKEN
> 
> Canadian and Proud of it!!!


:lmao::lmao::lmao:


----------



## Rps

Two atoms bump into each other. One says “I’ve lost an electron.” “Are you sure?” “Yes, I’m positive.”


----------



## Dr.G.

:lmao:


Rps said:


> Two atoms bump into each other. One says “I’ve lost an electron.” “Are you sure?” “Yes, I’m positive.”


:lmao:


----------



## macintosh doctor

A man was having problems with premature ejaculation so he went to see
his doctor. He asked the doctor what could be done to cure his problem. In
response, the doctor said, "When you feel like you are getting ready to
ejaculate, try startling yourself". 

That afternoon he went to the store and bought himself a starter pistol.
All excited to try this suggestion, he ran home to his wife. At home, he found
his wife was in bed, already naked and waiting. As the two began, they found
themselves in the celebrated 69 position. The man, moments later, felt the
sudden urge to ejaculate and fired the starter pistol. 

The next day, the man was back at the doctor's. The doctor asked, "How
did it go?" 

The man answered, "Not that well. When I fired the pistol, my wife pooped
on my face, bit 2 inches off my dick and my neighbour came out of the closet
with his hands in the air".


----------



## Dr.G.

Rps said:


> Two atoms bump into each other. One says “I’ve lost an electron.” “Are you sure?” “Yes, I’m positive.”


A neutron walks into a bar and orders a beer. It asks the bartender how much for the beer. The bartender says "For you, no charge."


----------



## Rps

A thirsty sailor runs from his boat to the nearest bar and shouts to the bartender, "Give me twenty shots of your
best scotch, quick!" The bartender pours out the shots, and the sailor drinks them as fast as he can. The bartender
is very impressed and exclaims, "Wow. I never saw anybody drink that fast. "The sailor replies, "Well, you'd
drink that fast too, if you had what I have." The bartender says, "Oh my God! What is it? What do you have?"
"Fifty cents!"


----------



## macintosh doctor

sadly its true but funny so it is a joke of the day from the past.


----------



## Dr.G.

Rps said:


> A thirsty sailor runs from his boat to the nearest bar and shouts to the bartender, "Give me twenty shots of your
> best scotch, quick!" The bartender pours out the shots, and the sailor drinks them as fast as he can. The bartender
> is very impressed and exclaims, "Wow. I never saw anybody drink that fast. "The sailor replies, "Well, you'd
> drink that fast too, if you had what I have." The bartender says, "Oh my God! What is it? What do you have?"
> "Fifty cents!"


:lmao::clap:


----------



## macintosh doctor

The Rabbi Hears Confession


A Priest in a small town was called away for an emergency on a Sunday afternoon while he was about to hear confessions. Not wanting to leave the confessional unattended, and having no one else to assist him he called his Rabbi friend from across the street and asked him to cover for him. The Rabbi told him he wouldn't know what to say or do.

The Priest told him to come over and he'd stay with him for a little bit to show him what to do. The Rabbi dutifully came over. The Rabbi and the Priest were in the confessional working out the details.

A few minutes later, a woman came in and said, "Father, forgive me for I have sinned."

The priest asked, "What did you do?"
The woman said, "I committed adultery."
Priest: "How many times?"
Woman: "Three times."
Priest: "Say two Hail Mary's, put five dollars in the donation box and go and sin no more."
A few minutes later a man entered the confessional. He said, "Father, forgive me for I have sinned."

Priest: "What did you do?"
Man: "I committed adultery."
Priest: "How many times?"
Man: "Three times."

Priest: "Say two Hail Mary's, put five dollars in the box and go and sin no more."
The Rabbi told the Priest that he thought he understood the procedure, so the Priest left.

A few minutes later another woman entered and said, "Father forgive me for I have sinned."

Rabbi: "What did you do?"
Woman: "I committed adultery."
Rabbi: "How many times?"
Woman: "Once."
Rabbi: "Go do it two more times. We have a special this week, three for five dollars!"


----------



## Rps

A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing "Love" stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them. His curiosity gets the better of him and he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he's doing.
"I'm sending out 1,000 Valentine's Day cards signed, 'Guess who?'"
"But why?" asks the man.
"I'm a divorce lawyer."


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## Dr.G.

Rps said:


> A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing "Love" stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them. His curiosity gets the better of him and he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he's doing.
> "I'm sending out 1,000 Valentine's Day cards signed, 'Guess who?'"
> "But why?" asks the man.
> "I'm a divorce lawyer."


:lmao:


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## Rps

From Grampa Jones:


"Once knowed a feller who was SO baldy-headed, he had to make a chalk mark on his head, so's he knew when to stop washing his face!"


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## Dr.G.

Rps said:


> From Grampa Jones:
> 
> 
> "Once knowed a feller who was SO baldy-headed, he had to make a chalk mark on his head, so's he knew when to stop washing his face!"


:lmao::clap:


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## Rps

Bert always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots, so, seeing some on sale, he bought them and wore them home. 

Walking proudly, he sauntered into the kitchen and said to his wife, "Notice anything different about me?" 

Margaret looked him over.. "Nope." 

Frustrated, Bert stormed off into the bathroom, undressed and walked back into the kitchen completely naked except for the boots.. 

Again he asked Margaret, a little louder this time, "Notice anything different NOW?" 

Margaret looked up and said in her best deadpan, "Bert, what's different? It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, it'll be hanging down again tomorrow! 

Furious, Bert yelled, "AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT'S HANGING DOWN, MARGARET?" 

"Nope. Not a clue", she replied 

"IT'S HANGING DOWN, BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!!!!" 

Without missing a beat Margaret replied, "Shoulda bought a hat, Bert.. Shoulda bought a hat."


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## Dr.G.

Rps said:


> Bert always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots, so, seeing some on sale, he bought them and wore them home.
> 
> Walking proudly, he sauntered into the kitchen and said to his wife, "Notice anything different about me?"
> 
> Margaret looked him over.. "Nope."
> 
> Frustrated, Bert stormed off into the bathroom, undressed and walked back into the kitchen completely naked except for the boots..
> 
> Again he asked Margaret, a little louder this time, "Notice anything different NOW?"
> 
> Margaret looked up and said in her best deadpan, "Bert, what's different? It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, it'll be hanging down again tomorrow!
> 
> Furious, Bert yelled, "AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT'S HANGING DOWN, MARGARET?"
> 
> "Nope. Not a clue", she replied
> 
> "IT'S HANGING DOWN, BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!!!!"
> 
> Without missing a beat Margaret replied, "Shoulda bought a hat, Bert.. Shoulda bought a hat."


:lmao::lmao:


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## CubaMark

*EDIT*: See SAP today for a funny about a sermon.

(this is me realizing halfway through posting a joke, that I snagged it from Don's website)

:yikes:  :lmao:


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## Macfury

I remember being in a corporate meeting in which some unfortunate was asked how "the newsletter project" was going. He hemmed and hawed, explained progress to date and the difficulty in assembling the committee members, etc. After five minutes of blather, someone said, "Hold on a second man, you're not on the newsletter committee."

He barely seemed embarrassed--just what any corporate stooge woulda done!




CubaMark said:


> One Sunday morning as Pastor Smith is about to deliver his sermon, he asks the congregation how many of them managed to read Mark Chapter 17 as he'd asked them to the previous Sunday.
> 
> Almost all hands in the church went up.
> 
> "Very well," Pastor Smith continued.
> 
> "By the way, Mark only has 16 chapters, and the topic of today's sermon shall be lying."


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## SINC

CubaMark said:


> *EDIT*: See SAP today for a funny about a sermon.
> 
> (this is me realizing halfway through posting a joke, that I snagged it from Don's website)
> 
> :yikes:  :lmao:


Hey Mark, not to worry, I am always pleased to see someone snag a joke from SAP. Feel free to do so any time one tickles yer fancy. 

As a matter of fact, I snag them myself from many sources, some of them right here on ehMac. beejacon


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## CubaMark

SINC said:


> Hwy Mark, not to worry, I am always pleased to see someone snag a joke from SAP.


Credit where it's due, amigo.


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## gwillikers

An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen. 

The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, 'Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly.'

The other man said, 'What is the name of the restaurant?'

The first man thought and thought and finally said, 'What’s the name of that flower you give to someone you love? You know, the one that’s red and has thorns?'

'Do you mean a rose?'

'Yes, that's the one,' replied the man.

He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, 'Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?'


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## Dr.G.

gwillikers said:


> An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen.
> 
> The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, 'Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly.'
> 
> The other man said, 'What is the name of the restaurant?'
> 
> The first man thought and thought and finally said, 'What’s the name of that flower you give to someone you love? You know, the one that’s red and has thorns?'
> 
> 'Do you mean a rose?'
> 
> 'Yes, that's the one,' replied the man.
> 
> He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, 'Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?'


----------



## CubaMark

_Man, we are a dour lot. No jokes since April?

Today from Reddit:_

*An Athiest in hell*

An atheist dies and goes to hell

The devil welcomes him and says:"Let me show you around a little bit." They walk through a nice park with green trees and the devil shows him a huge palace. "This is your house now, here are your keys." The man is happy and thanks the devil. The devil says:"No need to say thank you, everyone gets a nice place to live in when they come down here!"

They continue walking through the nice park, flowers everywhere, and the devil shows the atheist a garage full of beautiful cars. "These are your cars now!" and hands the man all the car keys. Again, the atheist tries to thank the devil, but he only says "Everyone down here gets some cool cars! How would you drive around without having cars?".

They walk on and the area gets even nicer. There are birds chirping, squirrels running around, kittens everywhere. They arrive at a fountain, where the most beautiful woman the atheist has ever seen sits on a bench. She looks at him and they instantly fall in love with each other. The man couldn´t be any happier. The devil says "Everyone gets to have their soulmate down here, we don´t want anyone to be lonely!"

As they walk on, the atheist notices a high fence. He peeks to the other side and is totally shocked. There are people in pools of lava, screaming in pain, while little devils run around and stab them with their tridents. Other devils are skinning people alive, heads are spiked, and many more terrible things are happening. A stench of sulfur is in the air.

Terrified, the man stumbles backwards, and asks the devil "What is going on there?" The devil just shrugs and says: "Those are the christians, I don´t know why, but they prefer it that way".​


----------



## Dr.G.

CubaMark said:


> _Man, we are a dour lot. No jokes since April?
> 
> Today from Reddit:_
> 
> *An Athiest in hell*
> 
> An atheist dies and goes to hell
> 
> The devil welcomes him and says:"Let me show you around a little bit." They walk through a nice park with green trees and the devil shows him a huge palace. "This is your house now, here are your keys." The man is happy and thanks the devil. The devil says:"No need to say thank you, everyone gets a nice place to live in when they come down here!"
> 
> They continue walking through the nice park, flowers everywhere, and the devil shows the atheist a garage full of beautiful cars. "These are your cars now!" and hands the man all the car keys. Again, the atheist tries to thank the devil, but he only says "Everyone down here gets some cool cars! How would you drive around without having cars?".
> 
> They walk on and the area gets even nicer. There are birds chirping, squirrels running around, kittens everywhere. They arrive at a fountain, where the most beautiful woman the atheist has ever seen sits on a bench. She looks at him and they instantly fall in love with each other. The man couldn´t be any happier. The devil says "Everyone gets to have their soulmate down here, we don´t want anyone to be lonely!"
> 
> As they walk on, the atheist notices a high fence. He peeks to the other side and is totally shocked. There are people in pools of lava, screaming in pain, while little devils run around and stab them with their tridents. Other devils are skinning people alive, heads are spiked, and many more terrible things are happening. A stench of sulfur is in the air.
> 
> Terrified, the man stumbles backwards, and asks the devil "What is going on there?" The devil just shrugs and says: "Those are the christians, I don´t know why, but they prefer it that way".​


----------



## CubaMark

The New Brunswick Department of Transportation found over 450 dead crows on Highway #2 East near Salisbury Big Stop this past week, and there was concern that they may have died from the Coronavirus.

A veterinary epidemiologist examined the remains of all the crows, and, to everyone's relief, confirmed the problem was NOT Coronavirus (COVID-19).

The cause of death was actually from vehicular impacts. However, during analysis it was noted that varying colors of paints appeared on the bird's beaks and claws. By analyzing the paint residues it was found that 98% of the crows had been killed by impact with trucks, while only 2% were killed by cars.

NB DOT then hired an Ornithological Behaviorist to determine a cause for the disproportionate percentages of truck kills versus car kills.

The Ornithological Behaviorist quickly concluded that when crows eat road kill, they always have a look-out crow to warn of danger.

They discovered that while all the lookout crows would shout "Cah","Cah" not a single one would shout "Truck"!!!​
(Source: Facebook)​


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## CubaMark




----------



## Macfury

That's a golden oldie, CM.

Anyone remember the flip side commercial for Oil of Olay?





+
YouTube Video









ERROR: If you can see this, then YouTube is down or you don't have Flash installed.


----------



## CubaMark

*Whoa! * I had never made the connection - that's Virginia Hey of Farscape fame, the sexiest plant alive: _Pa'u Zotoh Zhaan_


----------



## Macfury

Cool!


----------



## pm-r

Father of the year...

https://youtu.be/mCd6g33l_Gc



- Patrick
=======


----------



## Aurora

DIVORCE vs. MURDER


A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, "I'd like to buy some cyanide.

The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?

The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband.

The pharmacist's eyes got big and he explained, "Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband, that's against the law. I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of

us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide. Just get a divorce!"


The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.

The pharmacist looked at the picture and said, "You didn't tell me you had a prescription.


----------



## Dr.G.

-Hello, Pizza Hut?
--No sir. Google Pizza
-`` Oh, excuse me ... I called the wrong number ...
--No sir, you called the right place. Google bought the Pizza Hut chain.
-Oh, well ... then write down my order, please ...
--The usual?
-And how do you know what I would order?
--According to your street address, phone number and the last 12 times you ordered a Supreme Pizza.
-Yes, I want that one ...
- May I suggest a pizza without salt, with ricotta, broccoli and dried tomato?
-Oh no! I hate vegetables.
--But your cholesterol is not good, sir.
-And how do you know?
-- We cross referenced data from Adventhealth medical records from your past 7 blood tests...
-Enough, enough! I want a Supreme Pizza! I take my medicine!
--`` Sorry, sir, but according to our database, you don't take it regularly. The last box of Lipitor of 30 tablets that you bought in Shopper's Pharmacies was on January 2 at 3:26 p.m.
-But I bought more at another pharmacy!
-- The data of your credit card purchases does not prove it.
- I paid in cash, I have another source of income!
-- Your last income statement does not prove it. We don't want you to have problems with the CRA sir ...
-I do not want anything now!
--`` Sorry, sir, we are just trying to help you.
-Help me? I'm sick of Google, Facebook, Twitter, WhatsApp, Instagram! I'm going to move to a remote island without internet, cable or cell phones!
--I understand, sir, but here I can see that your Canadian passport expired 5 months ago...


----------



## pm-r

> -Hello, Pizza Hut?
> --No sir. Google Pizza



It might have been a bit funnier If it weren't so close to the truth and reality of things.



- Patrick
=======


----------



## Dr.G.

pm-r said:


> It might have been a bit funnier If it weren't so close to the truth and reality of things.
> 
> 
> 
> - Patrick
> =======


----------



## 18m2

Regan era juggler ...
https://www.facebook.com/mickyflanaganfanpage/videos/160275428564685/


----------



## Macfury

18m2 said:


> Regan era juggler ...
> https://www.facebook.com/mickyflanaganfanpage/videos/160275428564685/


I remember that guy!


----------



## 18m2

I think this pup would cause more people to fall down laughing than would run away in fear.


----------

