# What's the hardest decision you've ever had to make?



## Pamela (Feb 20, 2003)

This is a relatively anonomous board so it'd be nice to get some serious answers to this question.

It's been a rough couple of months for me...so I'd like to hear what other people have gone through, or are going through and hear what they feel like is the toughest decision they've ever made or been faced with...


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## Dr.G. (Aug 4, 2001)

When my daughter was born back in Aug., 1983, she suffered severe brain damage due to a loss of oxygen to the brain. The hardest thing I had to do was to watch Shaina suffer so much at birth and then summon up the courage to ask the doctors if allowing her to die with some dignity was an option. They told me no, they were going to do whatever it took to "save" her life. They did save her life, so to speak. At the time of her birth we were told that she was probably the most disabled child in NL, if not in all of Atlantic Canada.


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## gwillikers (Jun 19, 2003)

I tried to answer this thread. But when I read it back (before pushing the "reply" button), it was just too heavy.
I'll reply later.
But, peace to both you, Pamela, and you, Marc, for the honesty and strength.

-Howie


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## Wolfshead (Jul 17, 2003)

I'm afraid this forum isn't anonymous enough to share my hardest decision. However, if it's any help, it seems to me that the hardest choice is often the right one. I've made decisions in the past that were wrong and, if I'm honest, I knew they were wrong at the time. Listen to your gut. Just make sure that the choice you make is one that you'll be able to live with. It's important to be able to look at yourself in the mirror.

I hope you're beginning to see some light at the end of the tunnel, Pamela.


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## Carex (Mar 1, 2004)

Well Pamela, with an opening like that you're going to have to relate your story as well. It may make you feel better too.


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## Pamela (Feb 20, 2003)

Carex, I guess I'm just not ready to do that yet. It's just all too close to home still. But you name it...marriage life, family life, personal life, career, health....I've had to deal with it in the last few months. It was the straw that broke the camels back last night when I posted this thread. I see a little bit more light at the end of the tunnel this morning, but a lot of it feels out of my conrol.

And thanks for sharing that close and personal story Dr.G. My aunt had to deal with the same issue with her child. She was premature at birth and they basically cooked her brain the in the incubator. Now she's in her 30's and a complete burden on her mother in every way possible. Hopefully somewhere inside the children is happiness though....that's all you can hope. They also gave my aunt no decision in the matter. I wonder if times have changed?


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## gastonbuffet (Sep 23, 2004)

Having to choose between two women i loved.

took over 2 years to fell out of love with one and stop feeling pain, wasn't easy to for my wife either.
Still have memories, of course, but no pain. And me and my ball and chain are happy.

To make a decission, you have to get rid of the baggage.


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## used to be jwoodget (Aug 22, 2002)

Pamela,

Life does bring trials and tribulations - its natural and nothing to do with you as a person. Be confident in dealing with them and knowing that the path you take is unique. We all make mistakes at some point and the world can seem to gang up on you, but the most important things are perspective, appreciation of others and living a life that is true to you. I doubt anyone truly has no regrets and I also think that the hardest decisions are also the ones that define your life. Avoiding them only delays or perpetuates difficult situations.

One of the hardest yet, in some ways, easiest decisions I took was in emigrating to Canada with my family. It meant putting 4,000 miles between my mother and her two grandchildren who she adores. But it was something I had to do and she understood although I'm sure she (and my wifes parents) were devastated. She has always been utterly unselfish and put her children before herself, giving us independence and encouraging us. I can only hope I am as strong as her if my children decide to move halfway across the world.

My wife has a saying that is something like: The decisions which a person regrets most, in their life, are those which they didn't make when they had the opportunity.


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## MannyP Design (Jun 8, 2000)

The biggest decision that has affected my life to date has had to be deciding to move to Ottawa after living my entire life in New Brunswick -- at the time, it was a relatively small decision: to gain better employment and a better quality of life, but now it's become a much bigger deal to us now that we're having a baby. We have a very large and very close family and the thought of raising our child away from any and all family relations is alien to us (given our upbringing) not to mention it also isolates us from the family support a lot of people benefit from.

We're beginning to consider the possibilities of another "big" decision. We're not sure the opportunity will be available to us any time in the foreseeable future, unless a stroke of luck happens to befall us... we're not holding our breath.


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## FeXL (Jan 2, 2004)

Shot a kitten once.

Dad was gone for a week, mom couldn't handle a firearm, I was the oldest (at the ripe age of 13), the task fell to me. 

This kitten's tongue had swollen up to the point that it could no longer close its mouth-perpetually wide open. Maybe a cow had kicked it. Couldn't eat, couldn't drink, could barely mew. It seemed in pain and was slowly starving to death. I didn't know what caused the problem, I only knew the solution.

Went for a walk into the pasture, carrying the rifle and snuggling with the kitten. After a period of time (honestly couldn't say if it was minutes or hours, but I suspect closer to the latter) I put the kitten on the ground and backed up. I drew a bead on him as he followed to my feet, calling, trusting, fuzzy tail pointed straight up. Three more times this was repeated before I summoned the intestinal fortitude to do the deed.

I had a taste of adulthood that cool autumn morning, one that I carry with me to this day. 

The answer to the inevitable question is that it's just not practical to take every sick animal on the farm to the vet.

...

This pales by comparison to issues of a human nature, issues which I have not had to deal with yet, as Dr. G has.

Pamela, the first step to healing is to acknowledge that there is a problem. The second is to ask for help. You have done both of these and are well on your way.  

Maintain.


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## Sonal (Oct 2, 2003)

Hang in there, Pamela. I'm in the midst of some married life, general life, and career worries myself right now. The hardest decision I ever had to make is very personal, so instead I'll post the second and third hardest, which I'm dealing with right now. 

The third hardest decision I ever made was about ten years ago when I attempted suicide. This was after about three years of wanting to until my level of despair was simply pushed me over the edge, though it was a pretty sudden choice. At that moment, I honestly believed that I was out of other options. 

Strangely, trying to kill myself was a positive experience for me; when I realized that I was capable of doing it, I also realized that I was never completely out of options since I always had that one. I felt better. But attempting suicide is like quitting smoking--it can be years and years since you done it, but once you have, you always know that option is there in times of stress. 

The second hardest decision I ever made was about a two months ago when I started seeing a therapist for depression. The decision to really admit to myself that I was not coping and could not get through on my own was actually a lot harder than deciding to just stop. I am very glad I went. But just making the first appointment and going was hard.


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## SINC (Feb 16, 2001)

Sonal, your honesty and compassion astound me. I have so very much respect for your courage.

Perhaps Pamela can draw on some of that courage you have so freely shared.

God bless you both.


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## Ingenu (Jun 4, 2003)

I don't know if it would have been of tough decision for others, but it was for me.

It was when I said no to my (then) girlfriend asking me to marry her when we were in vacation in France. It was tough because we were just coming out of a very difficult period. She was suffering from severe anxiety and attempted suicide the spring before (and I was the one who drove her to the psychiatric ward). Needless to say, I hadn't recovered from the shock. 

When she asked, she was in a much better condition, thanks to a therapy and proper medication, but I coulnd't make long-term plan. I was still loving her very deeply, but I needed time to regain some confidence in life, some stability. I was still afraid to have an unpleasant surprise one day like the one I had that day of spring.

I felt trapped that sunny day on the French Riviera. Everything's so nice on a trip. It was the kind of situation where I _couldn't_ say no.

But I did. It's heartbreaking to disappoint somebody you deeply love, who love you deeply and who is still psychologically fragile. She didn't show how much she was sad about it, how she felt rejected, but I could feel it.

She was never able to get over it. We broke up 7 months later.

I have some regrets , but I had to be honest about how I felt.

It's hard to accept the consequences of our decisions.

(Sorry for the bad english.)


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## Carex (Mar 1, 2004)

Pamela, you are definitely at a crossroads if I read your personal history correctly. Just out of school, job seeking, wedding, back and forth between 2 cities at times. These are tough transitional times for you. You will emerge a stronger person. 

6 months ago, our neighbors and close friends moved. Still within our town but our 5 year old daughters were not happy about it because they could no longer run next door and ring the bell. They were like and remain close sisters. Six months after moving, slowdowns in the economy has necessitated (sp?) a move to the interior of the province. Stress for their family again. It's either move or no job.


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## Dr.G. (Aug 4, 2001)

Pamela, thanks for the kind words. Your one "ace in the hole" is that you have the intelligence and opportunity to make choices for yourself. Thus, while it may be difficult now, the fact that you are able to assume control over some of your decisions shall help you set your own path. Expect the unexpected and hang in there. As Lincoln oftentimes said, "And this too shall come to pass."


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## autopilot (Dec 2, 2004)

well, as long as we're being honest... i think i trust this board enough to share.

i made a decision against bringing a child into the world. i was 19, in my first "real" relationship, and we were stupid just one time. i wish i could say i have no regrets about the decision, because i know it was the right one for me. but i understand that a lot of people feel very strongly that there is never a good enough reason for doing what i did.

i have to live with that forever. but to me it's better than the alternative: to have a child suffer for my mistake. having a kid is way too easy for most people; it's the raising it that's the challenge.

i hope one day i can do it right.


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## MACSPECTRUM (Oct 31, 2002)

My mom was very ill in hospital after surgery and several illnesses and kidney failure, the doctor said that maybe we should "let Nature take its course."

My brother, his wife and my Dad seemed to agree with the doctor.
I asked if anyone asked my Mom what she wanted.

Since she was in and out between meds I had to ask her on 4 separate times (just to make sure she was lucid) if she wanted to keep living in that condition. I figured as her son it was my responsibility to find out her wishes.

All 4 times I looked into her eyes and asked. All 4 times she said "yes."

All 4 times I left the hospital and bawled my eyes out. We both knew she wasn't going to make it.

I told that doctor and my relatives what she said and to never make me go through that again.

She eventually died, but on her own terms.

It will be 10 years this Sept. 29.
Je me souviens.


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## iPetie (Nov 25, 2003)

My hardest decision was similar to Macspectrums. My mother had been battling cancer for around five years. Winning some years but eventually she grew weary of the therapy and decided to stop. She felt much better for around six months but we knew without the treatment, when the end came, it would come quickly. She had her lawyer draw up a do not resesutate order and sent it to me in Calgary.
My wife and I had planned a vacation to see her in Ottawa as she was beginning to feel unwell and I wanted to spend time with her but had to be in Calgary a day after we drove East to Toronto for meetings. When I told her I was just driving out with my wife and dropping her off and flying back to Calgary for my meetings, she became very upset. I tried to calm her, and told her I would see her in just four days.
Two days later, I got a call from Ottawa stating that my Mom had very nearly coughed herself to death and was very seriously ill in the hospital. I rushed to the airport and flew to Ottawa. They were able to resesutate her, but she was unconscious. The doctor told me that they could keep her going and that there was a slight chance she would regain consciousness. He asked me if she had any wishes, I stood there with the DNR in my hand and would have given anything to tell her I was sorry for putting her off and to tell her that I loved her. I did as she wished and handed the DNR to the Doctor. Three hours later, she had another breathing issue and they did not administer the required drugs and she was gone.
She had wanted to see me on her terms, not mine, I had to let her go.


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## agent4321 (Jun 25, 2004)

It's been a while since my last post.

But here goes, I've had a couple of glasses of wine so if this post goes a bit off track please forgive. It is a recent hard decision for me. The decision to seperate from my wife after 8 years of marriage and 10 years of being together. This happened in mid October 2004 since then it's been a roller coaster ride of emotions. We have a 2 year old son so that makes things a bit akward, but we both agreed that we will co-parent (he stays with me two nights between Mon & Fri and all day Saturday and evening). I guess the other hard thing too was to seek out help and talk with a therapist about the whole thing, I did this in early February and has really helped. It's just nice to talk to someone who doesn't have any judgements and is a third-party. I also was steered towards a great book that has also helped a lot over the past couple of months.

Actually come to think of it this post in a weird way is very therapeutic (not sure if that's the right spelling?) 

I have also had a lot of changes happen in the last few short months: separated from wife, my only family out here in Vancouver (brother) moved back to Alberta and the company I've worked for the past 3 years was bought out by another company. I guess the silver-lining is that I still have employment.

I guess to end this post I would have to say that Pamela if you need to, don't be afraid to ask for help - remember there's no shame in it.

Keep your chin up.

Cheers!


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## gastonbuffet (Sep 23, 2004)

For Pamela, to help a bit.


Clavo mi remo en el agua
Llevo tu remo en el mío
Creo que he visto una luz
al otro lado del río

El día le irá pudiendo
poco a poco al frío
Creo que he visto una luz
al otro lado del río

Sobre todo creo que
no todo está perdido
Tanta lágrima, tanta lágrima
y yo, soy un vaso vacío

Oigo una voz que me llama
casi un suspiro
Rema, rema, rema
Rema, rema, rema

En esta orilla del mundo
lo que no es presa es baldío
Creo que he visto una luz
al otro lado del río

Yo muy serio voy remando
muy adentro sonrío
Creo que he visto una luz
al otro lado del río

Sobre todo creo que
no todo está perdido
Tanta lágrima, tanta lágrima
y yo, soy un vaso vacío

Oigo una voz que me llama
casi un suspiro
Rema, rema, rema
Rema, rema, rema

Clavo mi remo en el agua
Llevo tu remo en el mío
creo que he visto una luz
al otro lado del río



Al Otro Lado Del Rio
Jorge Drexler


composed to represent 
Che Guevara's transition 
from Med student to Revolutionary. Big Change.


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## kps (May 4, 2003)

The hardest decision I had to make was to place my mother in a nursing home.

My mother had diabetes and in the last 5yrs of her life was suffering from Alzheimer's. I put my career ambitions on hold and took a 'braindead' flex job in order to care for her. But it became obvious that as the disease progressed she needed 24hr care. Several times I found her near a diabetic coma from forgetting to eat or injecting the wrong dose of insulin. She also broke her hip and needed surgery. Mobility was an issue to compound the matter.

A search ensued to find the best level of care for her. I visited many nursing homes and finally went on a waiting list for three I thought would provide the level of care I wanted. Four months after admission, my mother passed away. We visited 3 times during the working week and every weekend to make sure they knew our mother was not abandoned, but cared for. Believe me when I tell you that euthanasia is alive and well in this country. Both, I and my sister are convinced they expedited her demise. I won't go into details, but I'll say this: I'll sooner put a bullet in my head than go into one of those homes. I just hope I'll have the presents of mind and physical ability to do so.


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## autopilot (Dec 2, 2004)

kps said:


> I won't go into details, but I'll say this: I'll sooner put a bullet in my head than go into one of those homes. I just hope I'll have the presents of mind and physical ability to do so.


kps: i know what you mean. my boyfriend's grandmother has alzheimer's and is in a nursing home in ottawa. we went to visit her in the summer and i think it helped pete, although he was pretty upset when we left. it's so difficult to make the "right" choice in those situations, when you don't know what your other options are.


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## Cameo (Aug 3, 2004)

Deciding to leave my husband. I have four boys - the youngest at the time being 9 the oldest 14. I did not make very much money, I was self employed so no benefits. My ex had a violent temper and I really had no idea what he would do. 
I took the boys and all the debt (which is a long story why)

We all deal with exceptionally hard decisions and we all suffer tragedies. We deal with them the best that we can and we keep on pluggin, all the while doing our best to find the reasons and the positives even when there don't seem to be any.
I lost two nieces and two nephews to a fire that was totally stupid and unnecessary. I heard about it driving to bowling. Dealing with telling everyone and all the rest was hard - but that wasn't really a decision.

Deciding the best thing for a beloved cat was to put it down - it was suffering with no cure.

Everytime my feet are pulled out from under me it is harder to stand up - but I keep doing it. And I will keep on doing it because sometimes I think that the only thing that keeps me pluggin is that I am secure in the knowledge that I will keep on doin it.


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## Dr.G. (Aug 4, 2001)

Cameo, I can relate to your situation. I became a single parent overnight when my wife, who was emotionally abusing me, suddenly left. I was left with a profoundly disabled daughter, Shaina, and Stephen, who was two weeks short of his fourth birthday. I was a single parent for nearly five years until my current wife came into my life. That was probably the best thing that ever happened to me.


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## Cameo (Aug 3, 2004)

I tend to think that things happen for a reason, even if we don't know why.
Whether physical or emotional - one should never stand for abuse. I have never regretted that decision no matter how hard it got (he did not have the decency to leave the kids out of it and used them to hurt me-hurting them the most)
As hard as it was for you and your kids it is my opinion you were better off without her and her abuse. I know from your other posts that you are happy with Debbie and I am very pleased for you. See....it was meant to be.
I am with someone now who really cares about me and would never raise a hand.


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## Dr.G. (Aug 4, 2001)

Cameo, very true. You are very perceptive..............but don't call Deborah "Debbie". She hates that name, and only allows me to use Little Debbie's Den o' Doxies because of the flow of the words.

Strange, thinking back on those days seems like a lifetime ago. Actually, I was thinking past even those days to when Shaina's mom brought Shaina to Memorial Stadium back in 1986 where Pope John Paul II was going to bless disabled children. Although I am Jewish, and she was a fallen away Catholic, they let her in with Shaina because of her severe disabilities. She was just a babe in arms, but he stopped for a moment, said something to her, and then blessed her. My ex-wife was in tears and cannot remember what he said to her, but the blessing of Shaina was on the "The Pope's Visit to Canada" videotape which was produced by the CBC.


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## MacNutt (Jan 16, 2002)

The hardest decisions in my whole life?

I can think of three that stand out with a neon glow.

1)- Having to put my lifelong doggy buddy to sleep, after a long wasting illness. It cut me so deep that I have never to this day had another dog. Took me years to get over that one.

He died almost twenty years ago...and I STILL use his name in most of my online passwords. Which is why I'm keeping that particular name to myself. I'm also the only person on this planet who knows where he's buried. And the only one who goes there on a regular basis to say hi. (Call me crazy...but he was my buddy. My best buddy. I still miss him.)

2)-Having to make the tough decision to extricate myself from a very long term relationship with a truly beautiful live-in girlfriend. Who was also my best friend. Enough said about that.

3)-Having to finally take full control of my company from an aging relative who was showing definite signs of senility. And who was demonstrating some rather bizarre behavior...despite also being one of my very best friends.

That last just happened a few months ago. And I'm still dealing with all of the repercussions.

Which might explain some of my lengthy absences from this forum.

None of this is ever easy. Life is not easy. And there are no guarantees that any of it will turn out the way you want it to.

You just gotta roll with the lumps as they are dealt to you, and then get up and move on.

That's all there is. No matter what is thrown at you, just deal with it. Then make your own way.

Shake it off and keep on going. Or die in your tracks, like a loser.

Only two choices in this life. No middle ground. None at all.

Trust me on this.


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## gwillikers (Jun 19, 2003)

Well, bless you ehMac folks, there's some darned fine honesty going on here, so...

My Dad passed away from cancer when I was 13. It was a truly awful year from diagnosis to death, and I can recall being very confused from that experience. But I can also recall making a decision to not be a big problem to my Mom. Her emotional well-being became paramount to me. I managed to strike a balance, I helped out with the yard work on a regular basis, did the heavy lifting, and managed to stay out of any major trouble. I was a handful at times, but I completed school, and found work afterward. I was messed up as a teen, pretty reckless and wild, sometimes angry as hell, but I mostly kept it away from my Mom. I basically worked things out on my own. Actually, I'm still working it out to this day.  

Today, I'm blessed with an amazing wife & two well balanced adult daughters. I feel really fortunate, and my wife deserves a trophy. 
My Mom passed away in '99, and despite all the years that she worried about me, she didn't hesitate to let me know that she was proud of me.


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## Cameo (Aug 3, 2004)

Dr G - Excuse the slip with your wife's name - won't happen again.
Gwilikers - sometimes the tough times shape a persons future - looks like you did a fine job of it. What you have said makes me think about my children and the way they behave. They are sometimes angry ( messy divorce) and I know they have gotten into minor troubles - but they do help me out around here when I ask and they are not afraid to show affection. I know it is tough for them at times and that they have things to deal with. If your mom was proud of you then that is a very treasured memory you can keep close to your heart the rest of your life. She and you were a success after all.


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## Dr.G. (Aug 4, 2001)

Cameo, no problem. Now, "slip up" on the names of the doxies, and there will be a heavy penalty to pay.

It is interesting to note that in spite of all the difficulties many of the ehMacLanders have faced in their lives, they have, by and large, "come out on top". Many have fallen, but they fell forward, thus taking two steps forward the hard way, but still they moved forward. Kudos to us all.


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## Cameo (Aug 3, 2004)

MacNutt - I have had to put down my cat of 13 years - even the vet said it was best - and my dad had to put down my dog of 17 years because of kidney failure. Hard decisions to make and we all hurt because of them.
I have had other dogs and cats and thankful for them. Doesn't lessen my love for Tinker - I chose him when I was four years old and never knew a time when he hadn't been around. The new dog was never a replacement.
Pets in my opinion, keep me sane. They give unconditional and honest love without asking much in return. They help with a feeling of peace and "stresslessness" for lack of a better word. 
I guess I just feel sad for you for never getting another dog to spend time with and love. Life is full of pain. Let it go and give another dog the time and love of its life. You know you would be a great buddy - so why deprive a dog the kind of life you could give it? It hurts to lose - but there is always the knowledge that the life the dog had was loving and good. You know your lifestyle and maybe a dog wouldn't fit.
Just my thoughts - to each their own and no judgement from me.


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## LittleCanadianMapleLeaf (Sep 23, 2004)

Deciding not to go home and visit my best friend, who got very ill and died within a week of going to the hospital.

I had to make the decision to respect her wish, of not wanting me to see her and remember her being that sick.

LCML


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## gwillikers (Jun 19, 2003)

Thanks for the kind words Cameo. 
Just be there for your kids, always be available, and everything will turn out well. I can just tell that you are though.


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## SINC (Feb 16, 2001)

I visited my home town in 2001, a year after surviving a series of massive heart attacks. The first thing I did was to phone my childhood best friend who I had not heard from the Christmas before for the first time I could remember. A card had arrived every year before. He was also best man at our wedding.

His wife answered the phone, I had a few words with her and I asked for him. There was a brief pause and then, a just a moment.

He came on the line and I quickly launched into the tale of my life threatening event, but assured him I was now fine. When I asked what was new with him, he told me he had been battling prostate cancer for over a year, and had gone through all possible treatment.

So you're fine now I said? We can go out for a beer, or I could grab a case and drop over?

Sorry was his answer, but I am bed ridden as I have come home for my final days. I told him how sorry I was and asked to come over to his home to see him.

His reply was, come if you must, but it would be my preference that you do not. You see, I do not look like the man you knew and I would prefer that you remember me the way we were when we had so many good times together, rather than the shell I have become.

Every part of me screamed to go to him, but I felt I had to honour his last wishes. He passed away three weeks later while I was away on a camping trip and by the time I returned home to the news on my my e-mail, it was too late to even attend his funeral.

To this day, I regret that I did not go hug him one last time.


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## Cameo (Aug 3, 2004)

Never regret following his wishes Sinc - just think about how you would feel if someone didn't respect your last wishes. I am sure he respected you more for following what he asked and remembering him the way he wants you to. He knew you cared and that is what mattered to him I am sure. If he was just a shell then that is the image of him you would carry with you and he obviously cared enough to want to spare you that.


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## used to be jwoodget (Aug 22, 2002)

SINC, you honoured him by respecting his wishes. You could not have done more. Cancer does more than consume your life, it often greedily strips you of your dignity. Only your friend could make that request for you to stay away and only you could have chosen to respect it.


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## gastonbuffet (Sep 23, 2004)

SINC said:


> To this day, I regret that I did not go hug him one last time.




Moments


If I were able to live my life again,
next time I would try to make more mistakes.
I would not try to be so perfect. I would be more relaxed.
I would be much more foolish than I have been. In fact,
I would take very few things seriously.
I would be much less sanitary.
I would run more risks. I would take more trips,
I would contemplate more sunsets,
I would climb more mountains,
I would swim more rivers.
I would go to more places I have never visited.
I would eat more ice cream and fewer beans.
I would have more real problems, fewer imaginary ones.
I was one of these people who lived prudently
and prolifically every moment of his life.
Certainly I had moments of great happiness;
{ - but, if I could go back I'll try to have only good moments,
because that's what life is made of, just moments.}
Don’t let the present slip away.
I was one of those who never went anywhere
without a thermometer, a hot water bottle,
an umbrella, and a parachute.
If I could live over again,
I would go barefoot, beginning
in early spring
and would continue so until the end of autumn.
I would take more turns on the merry-go-round.
I would watch more dawns
And play with more children,
if I once again had a life ahead of me.
But, you see, I am eighty-five
and I know that I am dying.



Jorge Luis Borges
Translated by Alastair Reid (excluding {*... })


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