# What's your fav Monty Python one liner?



## Pylonman

A fellow ehmacer reminded me of the good 'ol days of Monty Python.
Please share your fav one liners. (I know it's hard without a couple of pints!)

"Its only a flesh wound"


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## MacGenius

"Run away!, run away!"


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## BigDL

This is an EX-Parrot -The Dead Parrot Sketch


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## The Doug

_Intercourse the penguin!_

_Nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition!_


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## Macified

Oh shut up! And go and change your armour!

or 

We are now the knights who say "Ecky, ecky, ecky. Ecky-fe-kang, zoop-boing, nee-wah, nee-way, nee-way". or some such pint worthy drivvel.


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## bryanc

*Help! Help! I'm bein' repressed!*

To which my 4-year-old-son invariably replies "Bloody pedant!" Of course I realize he's not exactly following the script, but I think his version is funnier.

Cheers


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## K_OS

"aside from the roads, the legal system, sanitation, education, medicine, what have the Romans done for us?"-The Life of Brian

Laterz


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## MACSPECTRUM

Brian: You are all different.
Crowd: We are all different. (in unison)
- Life of Brian


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## Rob

bryanc you beat me to the punch. I love that whole constitutional peasant sketch from Holy Grail.

Here's a link to the Four Yorkshiremen sketch 
The Four Yorkshiremen 

'But you try and tell the young people today that... and they won't believe ya'.

Here's another great one from Holy Grail

Zoot - "And after the spanking ...... the oral sex"
Sir Gallahad the Chaste - "Well, .... I could stay a bit longer"


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## Fink-Nottle

"I could be arguing in my spare time."

and

"Nudge, nudge, wink, wink, say no more, say no more..."


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## 10macs

"Your mother was a hamster and your father smelled of elderberries" and I also liked "I fart in your general direction."


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## iLabmAn

"I'll fart in your general direction!"

Yes. Misquoted. But anything that ends with "...fart in your general direction" always gets a chuckle out of me.

<fart>


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## autopilot

it's just wafer thin...


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## MACSPECTRUM

autopilot said:


> it's just wafer thin...


that's a classic


" 'Do you have any cheese?', he asked, expecting the answer 'no' "

Cheese shop has got to be the classic python skit
especially great on radio


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## iMatt

Albatross!


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## Macman27

"OH, 'armless bunny, eh?"


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## MrVermin

Macman27 said:


> "OH, 'armless bunny, eh?"


And to follow that...

"whot's E do... Nibble your bum?"

MrVermin


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## Carex

F**k off, I'm full.

I unclog my nose at you.

And now I will admit that it took me about 20 years to figure out what a kunigitt was. When the French were taunting the English knights they kept calling them kunigitts. I finally figured out that they were pronouncing all the letters in the word KNIGHT. Duh.


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## gwillikers

But I'm not quite dead yet.


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## Irie Guy

Does your wife Go? I mean is she a Goer?


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## thewitt

"And now for something..."

Whatever came next made me laugh!


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## Greenman

*G'day Bruce!*

I know it's more than just one line but it's my favourite Python song and it was an introduction to the world of philosophy....

All together now....

Immanuel Kant was a real pissant
Who was very rarely stable.
Heidegger, Heidegger was a boozy beggar
Who could think you under the table.

David Hume could out-consume
Schopenhauer and Hegel,

And Wittgenstein was a beery swine
Who was just as schloshed as Schlegel.

There's nothing Nietzche couldn't teach ya
'Bout the raising of the wrist.
Socrates, himself, was permanently pissed.

John Stuart Mill, of his own free will,
On half a pint of shandy was particularly ill.

Plato, they say, could stick it away--
Half a crate of whiskey every day.

Aristotle, Aristotle was a bugger for the bottle.
Hobbes was fond of his dram,

And Ren Descartes was a drunken fart.
'I drink, therefore I am.'

Yes, Socrates, himself, is particularly missed,
A lovely little thinker,
But a bugger when he's pissed. 



...and a line for when the weather warms up...

"hot enough to boil a monkey's bum your majesty", he said.
And she smiled quietly to herself.


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## Mrs. Furley

something along the lines of...

"One day, son, this could all be yours"

"What, the curtains?"


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## sharkman

Your wife, your wife, is she a goa? is she a goa? eh? eh? nudge nudge wink wink know-whad -I-mean? know-whad -I-mean? Say no moah.


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## K_OS

Holy Grail - 2 peasants in the street in some town

1st "ho look a King"
2nd "how do you know he's a king?"
1st "beacause he doesn't have sh*t all over him"

Also a favourite the Pet shop skit from Flying Circus and one of my favourite Cleese line.

"'E's not pinin'! 'E's passed on! This parrot is no more! He has ceased to be! 'E's expired and gone to meet 'is maker! 'E's a stiff! Bereft of life, 'e rests in peace! If you hadn't nailed 'im to the perch 'e'd be pushing up the daisies! 'Is metabolic processes are now 'istory! 'E's off the twig! 'E's kicked the bucket, 'e's shuffled off 'is mortal coil, run down the curtain and joined the bleedin' choir invisibile!! THIS IS AN EX-PARROT!!"

Laterz


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## RobTheGob

Number 1: The Larch.


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## iMatt

If we're talking about sketches and not one-liners, I have to vote for the travel agent's sketch. "...and the fat German businessmen forming pyramids and scaring the children...puffy secretaries from Kettering and Boventry complainin' about how they overdid it on the first day...'Torre-mo-li-nos, Torre-mo-li-nos'...bloody Watney's Red Barrel..." etc. etc. (not necessarily accurate quotes.) Masterpiece of ranting.

Then there's an obscure one I simply adore. In the early 70s the troupe made two 45-minute specials for German TV, in German. There's a Bavarian restaurant sketch from one of those specials that's included as an extra on one of the DVDs. It involves a clueless American tourist couple (Chapman and one of the regular female extras) taking horrible abuse from their waiter (Cleese), with assistance from Palin and Idle (IIRC). I don't speak German, but it still works great with subtitles.


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## The Doug

_"Burma!"

"Why did you say Burma?"

"I panicked."_

(From the "penguin on the telly" sketch.  )


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## K_OS

"SPAMMMMMMMM!!!!!!!!"

Laterz


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## buck

I'm French... Why do you think I have this outrageous accent

Gets me everytime


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## MaxPower

Paraphrased:

Guest: So what killed us then?

Death: The Salmon Mousse.

Hostess: I'm so terribly embarrassed.


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## MaxPower

One I almost forgot from the Meaning of Life

"Every sperm is sacred...."


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## The Doug

_He has given us... His shoe!

The shoe is the sign. Let us follow His example.

What?

Let us, like Him, hold up one shoe and let the other be upon our foot, for this is His sign, that all who follow Him shall do likewise.

Yes!

No, no, no. The shoe is...

No!

...a sign that we must gather shoes together in abundance.

Cast off... 

Aye. What?

...the shoes! Follow the Gourd!

No! Let us gather shoes together!_


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## Pylonman

The Bridge of Death
Bridge Keeper: _What is the wind velocity of a swallow?_










King Aurthor: _...is that an African or English?_ 









Bridge Keeper- _I don't know that (flung into the air) aaaaahhhhhh_ 









Great source for Holy Grail pics http://www.intriguing.com/mp/holygrail.asp


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## autopilot

great thread.


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## Pylonman

Bring me a herring!


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## kps

OK, not a "one liner", but very funny...

I'm a lumberjack and I'm OK 
I sleep all night and I work all day. 

Chorus: 
He's a lumberjack and he's OK 
He sleeps all night and he works all day. 

I cut down trees, I eat my lunch 
I go to the lavatory. 
On Wednesdays I go shopping and have buttered scones for tea 

Mounties: 
He cut down trees, he eat his lunch 
He go to the lavatory. 
On Wednesdays he go shopping and has buttered scones for tea. 

Chorus: 
He's a lumberjack and he's OK 
He sleeps all night and he works all day. 

I cut down trees, I skip and jump 
I like to press wild flowers. 
I put on women's clothing and hang around in bars. 

Mounties: 
He cuts down trees, he skips and jumps 
He likes to press wild flowers. 
He puts on women's clothing and hangs around in bars. 

Chorus: 
He's a lumberjack and he's OK 
He sleeps all night and he works all day. 

I cut down trees, I wear high heels 
Suspendies and a bra. 
I wish I'd been a girlie, just like my dear pappa. 

Mounties: 
He cuts down trees, he wears high heels? 
Suspendies...and a bra? 

...He's a lumberjack and he's OK 
He sleeps all night and he works all day. 

...He's/I'm a lumberjack and he's/I'm OK 

He/I sleep all night and he/I work all day.


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## PosterBoy

I'm 'oft heard referring to friends as having "big teeth, scary claws."


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## agent4321

*Fish License*

I would have to say my favourite Monty Python is the <b>Fish License</b> skit.

You can find the whole dialogue *here*


Here's a small sample…

*Praline:* (whistles a bit, then) Hello. I would like to buy a fish license, please.

*Postal clerk:* A what?

*Praline:* A license for my pet fish, Eric.

*Clerk:* How did you know my name was Eric?

*Praline:* No, no, no! My fish's name is Eric. Eric fish. He's an halibut.

*Clerk:* What?

*Praline:* He is an halibut.

*Clerk:* You've got a pet halibut?

*Praline:* Yes, I chose him out of thousands. I didn't like the others, they were all too flat.

*Clerk:* You must be a loony.

*Praline:* I am not a loony. Why should I be tarred with the epithet 'loony' merely because I have a pet halibut? I've heard tell that Sir Gerald Nabarro has a pet prawn called Simon - you wouldn't call him a loony! Furthermore Dawn Pathorpe, the lady show jumper, had a clam called Stafford, after the late chancellor. Alan Bullock has two pikes, both called Chris, and Marcel Proust had an 'addock! So if you're calling the author of 'A la recherche de temps perdu' a loony, I shall have to ask you to step outside!


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## Cynical Critic

So many to choose from...

In the tobacconist shop:
Hungarian: "Uh...My hovercraft is full of eels."


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## RobTheGob

Number 1: The Larch.


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## Macman27

Darn, too many, it's all silly and great,

Anyway "No Time to Lose...."


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## GratuitousApplesauce

*Always look on the bright side of life!*









The grand finale in Life of Brian with the 3 guys crucified, but whistling away ...

And...always look on the bright side of life... 
Always look on the light side of life...

For life is quite absurd
And death's the final word
You must always face the curtain with a bow.
Forget about your sin - give the audience a grin
Enjoy it - it's your last chance anyhow.

So always look on the bright side of death 
Just before you draw your terminal breath

Life's a piece of sh*t
When you look at it
Life's a laugh and death's a joke, it's true.
You'll see it's all a show
Keep 'em laughing as you go
Just remember that the last laugh is on you.

And always look on the bright side of life...
Always look on the right side of life... 
(Come on guys, cheer up!)
Always look on the bright side of life...
Always look on the bright side of life...
(Worse things happen at sea, you know.)
Always look on the bright side of life...
(I mean - what have you got to lose?)
(You know, you come from nothing - you're going back to nothing.
What have you lost? Nothing!)
Always look on the right side of life...


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## GratuitousApplesauce

*The Meaning of Life - revealed!*









Here's the meaning of life from "The Meaning of Life" presented at the very end of the film:

LADY PRESENTER: Well, that's the end of the film. Now, here's the meaning of life. Thank you, Brigitte. M-hmm. Well, it's nothing very special. 

Uh, try and be nice to people, avoid eating fat, read a good book every now and then, get some walking in, and try and live together in peace and harmony with people of all creeds and nations, and, finally, here are some completely gratuitous pictures of penises to annoy the censors and to hopefully spark some sort of controversy, which, it seems, is the only way, these days, to get the jaded, video-sated public off their f**king arses and back in the sodding cinema, family entertainment bollocks, what they want is filth: people doing things to each other with chainsaws during tupperware parties, babysitters being stabbed with knitting needles by gay presidential candidates, vigilante groups strangling chickens, armed bands of theatre critics exterminating mutant goats -- where's the fun in pictures? 

Oh, well, there we are. Here's the theme music. Goodnight.


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## thewitt

"They call him Tim"

Hey. Your name is the same as my name!


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## Moscool

How about a holiday in Sweden next summer? (Holy Grail 'Sweglish' credits)


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## The Doug

_My nipples explode in delight!_



_I'm here for an argument._
_No you're not..._


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## K_OS

"do you have a problem with my friends name Bigus Dickus?"

Laterz


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## Snapple Quaffer

To crib part of agent4321's quote about the Fish License sketch, we used to paraphrase the reference to Marcel Proust's work with stuff like:

"If you're calling the author of 'Vector Analysis and Cartesian Tensors (2nd Edition)' a looney, I'll have to ask you to step outside."

The more obscure the work, the funnier it seemed … at the time.


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## Pylonman

_Camalot!_ 
_Camalot!_ 
..it's only a model...


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## autopilot

ah jeez, i gotta reformat my movies for me priority list again!


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## The Doug

K_OS said:


> "do you have a problem with my friends name Bigus Dickus?"


He has a wife, you know.

Incontinentia.

Incontinentia Buttocks.


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## ErnstNL

Bruce


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## goobertech

"Give her a kiss boy , you don't jump staight for the Clitoris "


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## goobertech

" and then it is over to the memorial to all the men who fought to keep China, British"


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## rampart519

How do you she is a witch?"
"She turned me into a newt.........well i got better"


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## rampart519

autopilot said:


> it's just wafer thin...


 "And how are you today Monsieur?"
"Better"
"Better?"
"better get a bucket, I'm going to throw up"


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## K_OS

"It's merely a flesh wound!"

Laterz


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## Chris

Spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam.........


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## Chris

"There's a dead bishop on the landing!"

"What diocese is it?"

"I don't know."

"It's tatoo'd on the back of the neck!"


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## Chris

"Another bucket for monsieur?"



I'll stop now...


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## goobertech

*And now for something completely different*

Oh look henri's being eaten


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## The Doug

_Cherchez la vache!_


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## da_jonesy

"Nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition!"

or

"Don't just stand there gawking like you've never seen the hand of god before!"

or 

"A Tiger?"


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## macuserforlife

I can't believe no-one mentioned the Architects sketch...... Where are you Pamela?

John Cleese as an artchitect who has just designed an abbatoir for a bunch of Masons who were looking for an apartment block....and had his design refused.

"Yes, well that's the sort of blinkid philistine pig ignorance I've come to expect from you non-creative garbage! You sit around on your loathsome spotty behinds squeezing blackheads, not caring a tinkers cuss for the struggling artist, YOU EXCREMENT! You whinking hypocritical toadies........" etc etc


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## ehMax

You back there.... pay attention. 

---

But I'm not dead... I'm happy. 

---

Can't you cut off your [email protected]?

---

Now, be off with your before I taunt you again.


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## goobertech

nope I've made my mind up , it's medical experiments for the lot of you.

with big nasty teeth , naaa naaa naa
there is he is!!
where , behind the rabbit ?
No- , it is the rabbit you fool 
what does he do , nibble your bum?

You idiot I was so fightened I soiled my armor.


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## Loafer

buck said:


> I'm French... Why do you think I have this outrageous accent
> 
> Gets me everytime


hahaha...always reminds me of Mr Chretien, I don't know why


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## Loafer

"Come back 'ere, I'll bite ya bloody legs off!"


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