# "Relevant" joke of the day



## Moscool (Jun 8, 2003)

Does this community need another joke link? Perhaps not, we'll see.

Let me offer the following: occasional jokes, techno, Apple, Canada relevant, or simply so good that you have to share them...

So here is my initial offering (through JGagnon) - A groaner I'm affraid...










Jesus and Satan were having an ongoing argument about who was better on his computer. They had been going at it for days, and God was tired of hearing all of the bickering. Finally God said, "Cool it. I am going to set up a test that will run two hours and I will judge who does the better job."

So down Satan and Jesus sat at the keyboards and typed away. They moused. They did spreadsheets. They wrote reports. They sent faxes. They sent e-mail. They sent out e-mail with attachments. They downloaded. They did some genealogy reports. They made cards. They did every known job. But ten minutes before their time was up, lightning suddenly flashed across the sky, thunder rolled, the rain poured and, of course, the electricity went off. Satan stared at his blank screen and screamed every curse word known in the underworld. Jesus just sighed. The electricity finally flickered back on, and each of them restarted their computers.

Satan started searching frantically, screaming "It's gone! It's all gone! I lost everything when the power went out!" Meanwhile, Jesus quietly started printing out all of his files from the past two hours. Satan observed this and became irate.  

"Wait! He cheated. How did he do it?"

God shrugged and said, "Jesus saves."


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## Moscool (Jun 8, 2003)

Humm not a runaway success... yet.

Let's have another go. For some odd reason it's another Jesus one (no particular intention). However, it only works in French. So this one is to ehMac's francophones:

Le Petit Jésus rentre de l'école avec son relevé trimestriel, et Marie l'examine:

Math: 3/20 # Multiplie les petits pains et les poissons
Chimie: 5/20 # Change l'eau en vin pour amuser ses petits camarades
Sport: 4/20 # Marche sur l'eau pendant les épreuves de natation

Marie, très en colère, regarde Jesus et lui dit: «Eh bien, mon garcon, tes vacances de Pâques, tu peux faire une croix dessus!»


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## Dr.G. (Aug 4, 2001)

13


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## The Great Waka (Nov 26, 2002)

Here's one I heard the other day. Has nothing to do with anything, I just liked it:

So two frogs are hoping along the road when a 'vette zooms by them. One of the frogs says to the other "Man, I wish I had a car like that! I just don't have the money"

The other frogs replied, "Well, just go down to the bank and get yourself a loan."

So the frog decides to do just this. He goes to the bank in town and sees the loan manager, Patricia Black. He sits down in front of her desk and asks her for a loan.

"No problem," she said "I'm just going to have to see some collateral."

"Collateral?" The frog asked. "What's that?"

"Oh, anything of value that you might have." Said Patricia. "Like jewelry, antiques, or even just some valuable knickknacks from around the house."

So the frog thanked her and headed back home. The next day he came back into her office with carrying a bag. He then dumped the contents of the bag on her desk.

"What's this?" She asked.

The frog replied, "Knickknacks, Patty Black, give a frog a loan."









Works better when told...


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## MACSPECTRUM (Oct 31, 2002)

Lawyer joke du jour
Lawyer gets back to his Beamer (what else?) and notices it has been in an accident. He flags down a cop and starts yelling about his car. Just then a car zooms past and clips the lawyer's arm left arm off. The lawyer keeps on yelling. 
The cop says; "Hey, you just lost your arm!!!"
Lawyer; "Oh great! Now I've lost my Rolex too !"


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## Moscool (Jun 8, 2003)

Blind man with his dog on a busy street. Dog sees bitch on the other side and goes nuts. Pulls blind man into traffic, almost gets him killed. After much screeching and breaking, they both make it safely to the other side.

At that point the blind man pulls a biscuit from his coat pocket. Another man who has witnessed the whole thing intervenes and says: "excuse me but why are you rewarding your dog? He almost got you killed!". The blind man turns towards him and says: "I'm not rewarding him, I'm just figuring out wich end his mouth is, so that I can kick his butt!


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## The Doug (Jun 14, 2003)

A young boy answers the phone.

A man says, "Hello is your dad around?"

The boy whispers, "Yes."

The man then asks if he can talk to him.

"He's busy at the moment," the boy whispers.

"Then is your mom there?"

"Yes" the boy whispers.

"Can I talk to her?"

"No, she's busy," the boy whispers.

"Is there anyone else there?"

"Yes" whispered the boy.

"Who?" the man asked.

"A policeman," came the whispered reply.

"Well, can I talk to him?"

"He's busy too," the boy whispered.

"Is there anyone else there then?"

"Yes" whispered the boy.

"Who then?" the man asked.

"A fireman," the boy whispered.

"Can I talk to him?"

"No," the boy whispered, "he's busy."

Annoyed, the man asked what they were all doing.

"Looking for me." the boy whispered.


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## Moscool (Jun 8, 2003)

Ahhh lighbulbs... A thread by itself... Here is a sample:

- To continue the thread immediately above: How many women with PMS does it take to change a lightbulb? .... 


DON'T ASK!


- To continue on emotions and psychology: How many psychologists does it take to change a lightbulb? ...


Only one, but the lightbulb needs to really want to change!


- Finally, to get back on IT relevance: How many Microsoft engineers does it take to change a lightbulb?


None, it's a hardware problem!


G'day


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## BabeBetty (Nov 5, 2001)

How many women does it take to screw in a lightbulb?


None. They just sit in the dark and bitch.


_________


How many men does it take to screw in a lightbulb?


Five. One to change the bulb and four to brag about all the screwing.


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## The Librarian (Apr 11, 2003)

how about..._DRUMMER JOKES!_

Q; what does it mean when the drummer is drooling out of both sides of his mouth?

A: the stage is level!


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## Moscool (Jun 8, 2003)

Didn't know that drummer jokes were a family, but would like to see more!

Here is one that could have been written by Dr G.'s little friends... (again, from Québec via Hong Kong)

How to clean the cat:

1. Thoroughly clean the toilet.

2. Add the required amount of shampoo to the toilet water, and have both lids lifted.

3. Obtain the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.

4. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids (you may need to stand on the lid so that he cannot escape).

CAUTION: Do not get any part of your body too close to the edge, as his paws will be reaching out for any purchase they can find. The cat will self-agitate and make ample suds. Never mind the noises that come from your toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this.

5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a "power wash" and "rinse" which I have found to be quite effective.

6. Have someone open the door to the outside and ensure that there are no people between the toilet and the outside door.

7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both lids.

8. The now-clean cat will rocket out of the toilet, and run outside where he will dry himself.

Sincerely,
The Dog


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## kps (May 4, 2003)

How bout a little medical humour...anyone going for a colonoscopy soon?

Colonoscopy and patients comments: 
A physician claims these are actual comments from his patients made while he was performing colonoscopies: 
1."Take it easy, Doc, you're boldly going where no man has gone before." 
2. "Find Amelia Earhart yet?" 
3. "Can you hear me NOW?" 
4. "Oh boy, that was sphincterrific!" 
5. "Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?" 
6. "You know, in Arkansas, we're now legally married." 
7. "Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?" 
8. "You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out. You do the Hokey Pokey...." 
9. "Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!" 
10. "If your hand doesn't fit, you must acquit!" 
11. "Hey, Doc, let me know if you find my dignity." 
12. "You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?" 
13. "Could you write me a note for my wife, saying that my head is not, in fact, up there?"


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## kps (May 4, 2003)

The millitary is a long standing topic in this forum, so...

HOW THE MILITARY HAS CHANGED OVER THE YEARS...
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

1945 - NCO's had a typewriter on their desks for doing daily reports.
1999 - Everyone has an internet access computer, and they wonder why no work is getting done.

1945 - we painted pictures of girls on airplanes to remind us of home.
1999 - they put the real thing in the cockpit.

1945 - your girlfriend was at home praying you would return alive.
1999 - she is in the same trench praying your condom worked.

1945 - if you got drunk off duty your buddies would take you back to the barracks to sleep it off.
1999 - if you get drunk they slap you in rehab and ruin your career.

1945 - you were taught to aim at your enemy and shoot him.
1999 - you spray 500 bullets into the brush, don't hit anything, and retreat because you're out of ammo.

1945 - canteens were made of steel, and you could heat coffee or hot chocolate in them.
1999 - canteens are made of plastic, you can't heat anything in them, and they always taste like plastic.

1945 - officers were professional soldiers first and they commanded respect.
1999 - officers are politicians first and beg not to be given a wedgie.

1945 - they collected enemy intelligence and analyzed it.
1999 - they collect your pee and analyze it.

1945 - if you didn't act right, the Sergeant Major put you in the brig until you straightened up.
1999 - if you don't act right, they start a paper trail that follows you forever.

1945 - medals were awarded to heroes who saved lives at the risk of their own.
1999 - medals are awarded to people who work at headquarters.

1945 - you slept in barracks like a soldier.
1999 - you sleep in a dormitory like a college kid.

1945 - you ate in a mess hall, which was free, and you could have all the food you wanted.
1999 - you eat in a dining facility, every slice of bread or pad of butter costs, and you better not take too much.

1945 - we defeated powerful countries like Germany and Japan.
1999 - we come up short against Iraq, Somalia and Yugoslavia.

1945 - if you wanted to relax, you went to the rec center, played pool, smoked and drank beer.
1999 - you go to the community center, and you can play pool.

1945 - if you wanted beer and conversation you went to the NCO or Officers' Club.
1999 - the beer will cost you $2.75, membership is forced, and someone is watching how much you drink.

1945 - the Exchange had bargains for soldiers who didn't make much money.
1999 - you can get better and cheaper merchandise at Walmart.

1945 - we could recognize the enemy by their Nazi helmets.
1999 - we are wearing the Nazi helmets.

1945 - we called the enemy names like "Krauts" and "Japs" because we didn't like them.
1999 - we call the enemy the "opposing force" or "aggressor" because we don't want to offend them.

1945 - victory was declared when the enemy was defeated and all his things were broken.
1999 - victory is declared when the enemy says he is sorry.

1945 - a commander would put his butt on the line to protect his people.
1999 - a commander will put his people on the line to protect his butt.

1945 - wars were planned and run by generals with lots of important victories.
1999 - wars are planned by politicians with lots of equivocating.

1945 - we were fighting for freedom, and the country was committed to winning.
1999 - we don't know what we're fighting for, and the government is committed to social programs (used to be called 'socialism').

1945 - all you could think about was getting out and becoming a civilian again.
1999 - all you can think about is getting out and becoming a civilian again.

The Pitch
-=-=-=-=-

Airman Jones was assigned to the induction center, where he was to advise new recruits about their government benefits, especially their GI insurance. It wasn't long before Captain Smith noticed that Airman Jones had almost a 100% record for insurance sales, which had never happened before. Rather than ask about this, the Captain stood in the back of the room and listened to Jones's sales pitch.

Jones explained the basics of the GI Insurance to the new recruits, and then said. "If you have GI Insurance and go into battle and are killed, the government has to pay $200,000 to your beneficiaries. If you don't have GI insurance, and you go into battle and get killed, the government has to pay only a maximum of $6000."

"Now," he concluded," which bunch do you think they are going to send into battle first?"


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## SINC (Feb 16, 2001)

OK, if you guys insist, here is another:

A mild-mannered man was tired of being bossed around by his wife, so he went to a psychiatrist. The psychiatrist said he needed to build his self-esteem, and gave him a book on assertiveness, which the man read on the subway on the way home. He had finished the book by the time he reached his house.

The man stormed into the house and walked up to his wife. Pointing a finger in her face, he said, "From now on, I want you to know that I am the man of this house, and my word is law! I want you to prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, I expect a sumptuous dessert afterward.

"Then, after dinner, you're going to draw me my bath so I can relax. And when I'm finished with my bath, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?"

"The funeral director," said his wife.

Cheers


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## The Doug (Jun 14, 2003)

Those who jump off a bridge in Paris are in Seine. 

A backward poet writes inverse. 

A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking. 

Dijon vu - the same mustard as before. 

Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death. 

A hangover is the wrath of grapes. 

Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play. 

Does the name Pavlov ring a bell? 

Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion. 

Reading while sunbathing makes you well red. 

When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I. 

A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two tired. 

What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead giveaway.) 

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana. 

In democracy your vote counts. In feudalism your count votes. 

She was engaged to a boyfriend with a wooden leg but broke it off. 

A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion. 

If you don't pay your exorcist, you get repossessed. 

When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds. 

The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered. 

You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it. 

Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under. 

He often broke into song because he couldn't find the key. 

Every calendar's days are numbered. 

A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat. 

He had a photographic memory that was never developed. 

A plateau is a high form of flattery. 

A midget fortune-teller who escapes from prison is a small medium at large. 

Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end. 

Once you've seen one shopping center, you've seen a mall. 

Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-know basis. 

Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses. 

Acupuncture is a jab well done.


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## Dr.G. (Aug 4, 2001)

· Can you cry under water?

· How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?

· If money doesn't grow on trees then why do banks have branches?

· Since bread is square, then why is sandwich meat round?

· Why do you have to "put your two cents in"...but it's only a "penny for your thoughts"? Where's that extra penny going to?

· Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?

· Why does a round pizza come in a square box?

· What did cured ham actually have before it was cured?

· How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?

· Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up like every two hours?

· If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?

· If you drink Pepsi at work in the Coke factory, will they fire you?

· Why are you IN a movie, but you are ON TV?

· Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?

· How come Americans choose from just two people for president and fifty for Miss America?

· Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They're going to see you naked anyway.


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## BigDL (Apr 16, 2003)

Dr. G to continue your list of ironic questions: 

Why is it that things that are transported on a ship *is* called *cargo* and things transported in a rail car *are* called *a shipment*


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## The Doug (Jun 14, 2003)

*25 Things You Should Have Learned Before Reaching Middle Age* 

1. If you're too open-minded, your brains will fall out. 

2. Don't worry about what people think; they don't do it very often. 

3. Going to church doesn't make you religious any more than standing in a garage makes you a car. 

4. It isn't the jeans that make your bum look fat. 

5. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity. 

6. My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance. 

7. Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious. 

8. It is easier to get forgiveness than permission. 

9. For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program. 

10. If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip. 

11. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of pay checks. 

12. A conscience is what hurts when all of your other parts feel so good. 

13. Eat well, stay fit, die anyway. 

14. Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it. 

15. No man has ever been shot while doing the dishes. 

16. A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand. 

17. Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places. 

18. Opportunities always look bigger going than coming. 

19. Junk is something you've kept for years and throw away three weeks before you need it. 

20. There is always one more imbecile than you counted on. 

21. Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again. 

22. By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends. 

23. Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator. 

24. Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real world. 

25. If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.


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