# Funny Sayings



## Gerbill (Jul 1, 2003)

Anyone got any one-line funny sayings to share? Here are a few to start us off:

I'd rather have a free bottle in fronta me than a pre-frontal lobotomy.

The butcher backed into his meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.

The optician backed into his lens grinder and made a spectacle of himself.

Why do we drive on a parkway and park on a driveway?

Why do bees live in an apiary, while apes live in a bestiary?


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## SoyMac (Apr 16, 2005)

Why are asteroids called that, but hemorrhoids are not?


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## MacDaddy (Jul 16, 2001)

A few of my favs:

It's compatible with it's Legacy.
When you have a car that's uncool, you just gotta drive stupid.
Controlled evil is not necessarily bad.
That's my fault originally, but many others are to blame since. 
Please refrain from sucking.
Don't lick your zipper.
The opposite of "weird" is "boring".
Please hold for the next available consumer.
There exists, but you can't get there from here.
There was a memo? That's a little too non-virtual for this group.


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## Mac Yak (Feb 7, 2005)

Here are three from some of my (anti)heroes:

"When the going gets weird, the weird turn pro." (Hunter S. Thompson)

"I reject your reality, and substitute my own!" (Voltaire)

"Anyone who lives within their means is suffering from a lack of imagination." (Oscar Wilde)

More wonderful Wilde quotes here:

http://www.quotationspage.com/quotes/Oscar_Wilde/


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## Mac Yak (Feb 7, 2005)

Some great ones from Groucho Marx:

"Alimony is like buying hay for a dead horse."

"She got her looks from her father. He's a plastic surgeon."

"I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member."

More Groucho:

http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/authors/g/groucho_marx.html


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## Chipper (Aug 31, 2004)

This one is SO true, but always cracks me up.

When all else fails, read the instructions!


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## SINC (Feb 16, 2001)

What was the greatest thing before sliced bread?

It's not an optical illusion. It just looks like one.

Experience is the thing you have left when everything else is gone.


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## Dr.G. (Aug 4, 2001)

My grandfather was fond of saying "You can put a shoe in the oven but it won't come out a bagel".


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## RevMatt (Sep 10, 2005)

Right now, frankly:

Sex is like air. It's not important unless you aren't getting any. - Sinc

Is winning for me. Not that the saying is funny in and of itself, but it's existence in said individual's sig is threatening his image a dyed in the wool Albertan Conservative.


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## sketch (Sep 10, 2004)

This is one from Tiny Toons:
"I'm not as stupid as you look"


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## anal-log (Feb 22, 2003)

Why is abbreviate such a long word?


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## SINC (Feb 16, 2001)

RevMatt said:


> Right now, frankly:
> 
> Sex is like air. It's not important unless you aren't getting any. - Sinc
> 
> Is winning for me. Not that the saying is funny in and of itself, but it's existence in said individual's sig is threatening his image a dyed in the wool Albertan Conservative.


RevMatt, one just never knows what will show up in my signature, nor how long it will remain there, does one?


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## bryanc (Jan 16, 2004)

I've added some of these gems to my quote file.

Here are some others that I haven't seen in a while:

"He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire." 
- Sir Winston Churchill

"The pure and simple truth is rarely pure and never simple." 
- Oscar Wilde

"First get your facts; then you can distort them at your leisure." 
- Mark Twain

"Give a man a fire, and he'll be warm for a day. Set a man on fire, and he'll be
warm for the rest of his life!" 
- Terry Pratchett

"Time flies like an arrow - fruit flies like a banana." 
- Groucho Marx

"A cynic is a man who, when he smells flowers, looks around for a coffin." 
- H.L. Menken

"No one ever went broke underestimating the intelligence of the American
Public." 
- P.T. Barnum

"Democracy is the only system in which the majority get what they deserve." 
- W. Churchill (after having lost his bid for re-election)

"No matter how cynical you get, it is impossible to keep up." 
-Lily Tomlin

"Human history becomes more and more a race between education and catastrophe."
- H. G. Wells

"The advantage of a classical education is that it enables you to despise the
wealth that it prevents you from achieving." 
-Russell Green

"Science isn't a religion. If it were, we'd have a much easier time raising
money." 
-Leon Lederman

"I drank what?" 
-Socrates


Cheers


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## iNeedhelp (Oct 23, 2005)

"I was so lonely as a child, if I wasn't a boy I'd have nothing to play with."
- Rodney Dangerfield


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## iPetie (Nov 25, 2003)

My favourite was one we used to say in University.

I turned around, and there it was, Gone! 

Usually embelished with a strong french accent.


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## RevMatt (Sep 10, 2005)

SINC said:


> RevMatt, one just never knows what will show up in my signature, nor how long it will remain there, does one?


Good thing I preserved that last one for posterity then, isn't it?


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## Rob777 (Dec 17, 2002)

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

I don't know if that is the exact quote, but you get the idea.


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## JumboJones (Feb 21, 2001)

Why is there no acronym for the word acronym?

If "a picture is worth a thousand words," then why is the only way to express the saying, is with words?

And of course, "if it was different, then it wouldn't be the same"


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## Beej (Sep 10, 2005)

Tits up in the rhubarb patch.


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## bryanc (Jan 16, 2004)

No matter where you go, there you are. - Bukaroo Banzai


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## Gerbill (Jul 1, 2003)

Vuja Dej - the feeling that _nothing_ like this has _ever_ happened before.

--George Carlin


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## SINC (Feb 16, 2001)

I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always. - Red Skelton.


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## iNeedhelp (Oct 23, 2005)

"Balls," said the Queen, "If I had those, I'd be King!"

I don't know who is responsible for this one, but someone told me they saw it written in a University.


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## MACSPECTRUM (Oct 31, 2002)

SINC said:


> I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always. - Red Skelton.


good ol' Red Skelton
a true gentleman and comedian

he is missed


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## MACSPECTRUM (Oct 31, 2002)

Why is sex like pizza?
When it's good, it's very good.
When it's bad, it's still good.


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## Gerbill (Jul 1, 2003)

*"God is dead!"*
_-Nietzsche_

*"Nietzsche is dead!"*
_-God_


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## SINC (Feb 16, 2001)

MACSPECTRUM said:


> good ol' Red Skelton
> a true gentleman and comedian
> 
> he is missed


A Red Skelton Tip For A Happy Marriage:

Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant, have a little beverage, good food and companionship. She goes on Tuesdays, I go on Fridays.


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## enaj (Aug 26, 2004)

Jack of all trades, master of none.

Slinkies are like your enemies. Not good for much but fun to watch falling down the stairs.


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## iNeedhelp (Oct 23, 2005)

I believe it was Bill Maher that said:

"It's possible for two people to sleep with each other and not have sex. Married people do it all the time!"

I think he was talkibng about the Michael Jackson case....


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## Rob (Sep 14, 2002)

"We used to think that a hundred million monkeys at a hundred million keyboards eventually could produce the complete works of Shakespeare; now, thanks to the Internet, we know this is not true."

From The Mothership


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## guytoronto (Jun 25, 2005)

A wise man never plays leap frog with a unicorn.


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## Beej (Sep 10, 2005)

Some of my favourites from a leading late twentieth century philosopher.


Life moves pretty fast. If you don't stop and look around once in a while, you could miss it.

A person should not believe in an "-ism," he should believe in himself. 

A) You can never go too far. B) If I'm gonna get busted, it is not gonna be by a guy like that.

Anything is peaceful from one thousand, three hundred and fifty-three feet.

You fake a stomach cramp, and when you're bent over, moaning and wailing, you lick your palms. It's a little childish and stupid, but then, so is high school.

…you can't respect somebody who kisses your ass. It just doesn't work.


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## AV8R (Dec 7, 2004)

Indecision is the key to flexibility.


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## iNeedhelp (Oct 23, 2005)

"A man died today in a tool-and-die company when he was hit by a tool."

- George Carlin


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## SINC (Feb 16, 2001)

I have always like this one:

"It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it."


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## markceltic (Jun 4, 2005)

Whistling women & crowing hens come to no good end. That came from my great-grandma.


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## Gerbill (Jul 1, 2003)

Why do we call it a "hot water heater?" If the water's hot already, it doesn't need heating - I want a _cold_ water heater!"

--George Carlin


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## iNeedhelp (Oct 23, 2005)

This one comes from my friend, let me explain: 

One of my friends (named Joey) likes the band Good Charlotte. Good Charlotte has two good singles. One's called "Holding On" and the other "Little Things."

My other friend who was in an argument with Joey yelled at him: "Hey Joey! Stop holding on to your little things!"


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## GratuitousApplesauce (Jan 29, 2004)

"No one ever went broke underestimating the taste of the American public." - attributed to H. L. Mencken

"The trouble with Microsoft is they have no taste." - Steven P. Jobs


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## GratuitousApplesauce (Jan 29, 2004)

Although I've never played bridge, I'm thinking that this one is likely accurate:

"Sex is like bridge, if you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand."


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## SINC (Feb 16, 2001)

If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.


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## AppleAuthority (May 21, 2005)

I have a few favorites:

Everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die.

Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film!

Everyone is gifted, it's just that some open the package sooner.

Don't make me angry, I am running out of places to hide bodies.

Five out of four people have trouble with fractions.

Gravity cannot be held responsible for people falling in love.

You know you're in trouble when you make more than you ever made, owe more than you ever owed, and have less than you've ever had.

If you use Microsoft, you pay the bill.


(Compiled from an old program called Uli's Moose)


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## MannyP Design (Jun 8, 2000)

There are three kinds of people: Those who can count, and those who can't.

I'm schizophrenic and so am I.


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