# best golf joke i have heard in a long time



## MACSPECTRUM (Oct 31, 2002)

Two elderly golfers were teeing off at the 1st.
1; "You're going to have to watch my ball as I don't see too well anymore."
2; "No problem. I got eyes like a hawk."
1st guy hits the ball.
1; "Did you see it land?"
2; "Yeah, but I forget where."


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## Dr.G. (Aug 4, 2001)

Good one, Michael.  I am in a foursome on Sept.6th, so I shall remember this one. Paix, mon ami.


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## andrewenterprise (May 22, 2005)

Lol, thats a good one. 


Heres one I found while looking at jokes the other day:

A blonde golfer goes into the pro shop and looks around frowning.

Finally the pro askes her what she wants. "I can't find any green golf balls," the blonde golfer complains.

The pro looks all over the shop, and through all the catalogs, and finally calls the manufacturers and determines that sure enough, there are no green golf balls.

As the blonde golfer walks out the door in disgust, the pro asks her, "Before you go, could you tell me why you want green golf balls?"

"Well obviously, because they would be so much easier to find in the sand traps!"


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## bhil (Oct 30, 2004)

Both funny, but my favorite is still:

Three hackers head off for a fun round, and while they are paying their green fees the local pro comes up and asks if they mind if plays along with them. They agree hoping to get a few free tips out of the pro and head up to the first tee.

The first guy heads up to the tee, and smack, a spectacular slice off into the bush. The other two gus look at the pro and say "So what did he do wrong?". The pro simply answer "loft".

The next guy heads up to the tee, and crack, a wild hook off into the bush on the other side of the fairway. The other two gus look at the pro and say "So what did he do wrong?". The pro simply answer "loft".

The third guy heads up to the tee, and plink, he dribbles the ball about 50 yards up the fairway. The other two gus look at the pro and say "So what did he do wrong?". The pro simply answer "loft".

The pro goes up and bam, 300 yards straight down the fairway. As he heads back to his bag the other guys come up to him and say "OK, each of us hit the ball horribly, in completely different ways, yet you said we all did the same things wrong . . . loft. What does that mean?"

The pro answers, "Lack Of F***ing Talent"


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## cheshire_cat (Aug 28, 2005)

Heres one...

What happens when you predict snow but don't get any....a true story... We had a female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked: "So Bob, where's that 8 inches you promised me last night?" Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too they were laughing so hard!


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## cheshire_cat (Aug 28, 2005)

wasn't a golf joke but meh


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## SINC (Feb 16, 2001)

If this one isn't better, it is a close second!

Joe was teeing off from the men's tee. On his downswing, he realized that his wife was teeing up on the woman's tee directly in front of him. Unable to stop his swing, he nailed it, and hit her directly in the temple, killing her instantly. 

A few days later, Joe got a call from the coroner regarding her autopsy.

Coroner: "Joe, your wife seemed to have died from blunt force trauma to the head. You said you hit a golf ball and hit her in the temple, is that correct?"

Joe: "Yes, sir, that's correct."

Coroner: "But Joe, I also found a golf ball wedged in her butt."

Joe: "Was it a Titleist 3 ?"

Coroner: "Yes, it was."

Joe: "That was my mulligan."


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## MACSPECTRUM (Oct 31, 2002)

SINC said:


> If this one isn't better, it is a close second!
> 
> Joe was teeing off from the men's tee. On his downswing, he realized that his wife was teeing up on the woman's tee directly in front of him. Unable to stop his swing, he nailed it, and hit her directly in the temple, killing her instantly.
> 
> ...


I'll be telling that one at the first tee tomorrow at 9 a.m.


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## SINC (Feb 16, 2001)

Thought you might Michael, yes I did!


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## Dr.G. (Aug 4, 2001)

This might not be a joke, other than it will get you real golfers laughing, but I shot my best round of golf the other day -- 43 over par. I keep knocking off about 7 shots from my previous low each time I play. At this rate, I shall turn pro and take the Grand Slam in a year or so. We shall see.


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## Vishalca (Aug 5, 2004)

lol, those are great. For a summer job, I worked at a Golf Course this summer (I'm in high school), and it was the greatest job ever! I was down at the driving range; very easy to do (got free golf as well ). 

There are some VERY errant swingers there; when we pick the range, balls are literally everywhere, in every angle. 

As for my golf joke, it's more of a statement; I heard it on the radio.

"Golf is the game where you shoot 6, yell fore, and write 5"! 

EDIT: btw, Dr. G, I read a statistic somewhere that only 10% of golfers break 90; you are amongst the top percentile then!


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## Dr.G. (Aug 4, 2001)

Sad to say, this was for 9 holes. I did not have the heart to finish out the next round. I should have said that at the onset, not wanting to sound insincere or dishonest.

This was 43 OVER par, and par was 35. Thus, I shot a 78 for 9 holes. Everyone cheered, however, when I double bogied, my best hole of the day.

Keep in mind that this was only the third time I have ever played on a real golf course.


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## MACSPECTRUM (Oct 31, 2002)

Golf and the LEPRECHAUN

An American golfer playing in Ireland hooked his drive into the woods. Looking for his ball, he found a little Leprechaun flat on his back, a big bump on his head and the golfer's ball beside him.

Horrified, the golfer got his water bottle from the cart and poured it over the little guy, reviving him."Arrgh! What happened?" the Leprechaun asked.

"I'm afraid I hit you with my golf ball," the golfer says.

"Oh, I see. Well, ye got me fair and square. Ye get three wishes, so whaddya want?"

"Thank God, you're all right!" the golfer answers in relief. "I don't want anything. I'm just glad you're OK, and I apologize." And the golfer walks off.

"What a nice guy," the Leprechaun says to himself. I have to do something for him. I'll give him the three things I would want.... a great golf game, all the money he ever needs, and a fantastic sex life."

A year goes by (as it does in stories like this) and the American golfer is back. On the same hole, he again hits a bad drive into the woods and the Leprechaun is there waiting for him. "Twas me that made ye hit the ball here," the little guy says. "I just want to ask ye, how's yer golf game?"

"My game is fantastic!" the golfer answers. I'm an internationally famous golfer now." He adds, "By the way, it's good to see you're all right."

"Oh, I'm fine now, thankye. I did that fer yer golf game, you know. And tell me, how's yer money situation?"

"Why, it's just wonderful!" the golfer states. When I need cash, I just reach in my pocket and pull out $100.00 bills I didn't even know were there!

"I did that fer ye also. And tell me, how's yer sex life?"

The golfer blushes, turns his head away in embarrassment, and says shyly, "It's OK."

"C'mon, c'mon now," urged the Leprechaun, "I'm wanting to know if I did a good job. How many times a week?"

Blushing even more, the golfer looks around then whispers, "Once, sometimes twice a week."

"What??" responds the Leprechaun in shock. "That's all? Only once or twice a week?"




"Well," says the golfer, "I figure that's not bad for a Catholic priest in a small parish."


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