# Do a pie chart for me? For free? (HILARIOUS)



## CubaMark (Feb 16, 2001)

Please design a logo for me. With pie charts.
For free.

I think every neighbour within 150 yards is now wondering what happened to me... I've never laughed so hard... particularly when I hit the post at 4:43pm (fifth from the bottom).

Designers, you *must* see this...


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## Rob (Sep 14, 2002)

Excellent!


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## Dr.G. (Aug 4, 2001)

Good one, Mark.


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## MacGuiver (Sep 6, 2002)

CubaMark said:


> Please design a logo for me. With pie charts.
> For free.
> 
> I think every neighbour within 150 yards is now wondering what happened to me... I've never laughed so hard... particularly when I hit the post at 4:43pm (fifth from the bottom).
> ...


That was classic Mark. Thanks for sharing.:lmao:

MacGuiver


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## eMacMan (Nov 27, 2006)

Hilarious. Especially if anyone that should know better has asked for a freebie from your small business.


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## kps (May 4, 2003)

Excellent!

Along similar lines. I always liked this one:





+
YouTube Video









ERROR: If you can see this, then YouTube is down or you don't have Flash installed.


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## CubaMark (Feb 16, 2001)

*Since we're going YouTube...*

This one is great also - NSFW...





+
YouTube Video









ERROR: If you can see this, then YouTube is down or you don't have Flash installed.


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## Kazak (Jan 19, 2004)

I laughed out loud. Thanks.


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## MannyP Design (Jun 8, 2000)

LOL. Man that is SO true... the things clients try to get away with. :lmao:


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## kps (May 4, 2003)

Here's a running blog of some choice clients from hell. Checkout the previous pages.

Clients From Hell


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## CubaMark (Feb 16, 2001)

kps, this one left me speechless:


> Whiteboard
> 
> After presenting a new design for a company website, the owner leaned over, asked if she could suggest some changes to the layout, got out a black marker and started drawing the changes on my MacBook’s screen. I was stunned.


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## CubaMark (Feb 16, 2001)

Oh! And this one:


> Lost in translation
> 
> I once had a client call me in a panic from their annual holiday in France:
> 
> ...


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## Caillou (Jun 9, 2003)

Really really funny ! Thx :lmao:


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## CubaMark (Feb 16, 2001)

Well... this is *very* interesting. These guys are real! And if you visit Simon Edhouse's website (he's the fellow being made fun of in David Thorne's posting), he has this to say:



> NOTE: to all those who might have visited here in relation to a posting by David Thorne on his website, David's story is of course quite untrue, the emails fraudulent, and we may take appropriate action. (haven't decided yet) LET ME SAY THIS... Yes, David is a VERY funny guy, and I know his humour and him more than most as we have been friends for years, and worked together. However, the things he has said about me are fabrications, and he does this type of character assassination often and wantonly. - I could laugh too, if I didn't know that he would go on hurting others again and again until someone says, 'enough is enough' i.e. try and be funny without trying to denigrate and humiliate your friends.
> 
> David is a very angry man, (with H.A.T.E. self-tattooed on his knuckles) and has many problems. His satirical piece on me is quite ironic actually, because we would be very happy to pay David well for his graphic design, (if he would just do that, but the difficulties working with him outweigh the benefits) He is an excellent designer and we certainly have the funds to pay him. However, David would prefer to slander and defame and make up this kind of silly nonsense than conduct himself in a professional way. - I have always liked David, but as I said, he has some serious personal issues. (To all other victims of David's vicious pranks... shall we form a support group?) - Cheers, Simon.


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## DempsyMac (May 24, 2007)

Oh my that email exchange was too good. I made me think about a job I had many many years ago, working for a guy that sounds to me like it could be the same guys, always making promises that he had the next big thing around the corner. I realized that he was a scam about 6 months in when the pay checks started to bounce, I stopped working and told him that I would start again when I could cash my cheque.

Well after about 2 months I got a cheque that was supposed to clear everything up well it bounced. I emailed him to say "what the %^&" he told me that I was not owed any money and that I owed him money (not even close to true) I gave him 15 days to pay, on day 15 he emailed me telling me to take a hike. I then logged into the web page that I designed for him (he did not change the password to the FTP server). I took a screen shot of the page and dropped it into photoshop and put a big red rubber stamp over the site saying "SITE HAS BEEN REMOVED DUE TO NON-PAYMENT FOR DESIGN WORK" and I removed everything else from the FTP server.

I got a real nasty email with in minutes, we have not spoken since.

I must say it felt great!


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## HowEver (Jan 11, 2005)

I was hoping that it would have been an illiterate response, but it wasn't that bad.

Still, it confirms that he's at fault.




CubaMark said:


> Well... this is *very* interesting. These guys are real! And if you visit Simon Edhouse's website (he's the fellow being made fun of in David Thorne's posting), he has this to say:


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## tilt (Mar 3, 2005)

I am quite positive that this is a recycled concept because I read this very email exchange (with the exception of now current references [which were current for the period I read them]) a few years ago.

I am amazed that I am the only person in the whole world who finds this not new! Am I the only person who has been "reading" the "internet" for more than four years?

Cheers


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## Sonal (Oct 2, 2003)

tilt said:


> I am quite positive that this is a recycled concept because I read this very email exchange (with the exception of now current references [which were current for the period I read them]) a few years ago.
> 
> I am amazed that I am the only person in the whole world who finds this not new! Am I the only person who has been "reading" the "internet" for more than four years?
> 
> Cheers


Nope. You aren't the only one who seems to remember this from somewhere.


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## CubaMark (Feb 16, 2001)

From *kps*' "Clients from Hell", this gem posted today...



> *Photoshop vs. Paint*
> 
> “I understand that you prefer to use photoshop, but we don’t feel like that program is universal enough. If you could do all of the design work in Microsoft Paint it would be easier for us to edit what you do and give you an idea of the changes we want.”


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## hayesk (Mar 5, 2000)

tilt said:


> I am quite positive that this is a recycled concept because I read this very email exchange (with the exception of now current references [which were current for the period I read them]) a few years ago.


I read them a few months ago, because they were referenced from this site. If you read them "a few years ago", then surely you can go to archive.org and search for it there, and prove to us that it's not new.


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## MazterCBlazter (Sep 13, 2008)

.


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## CubaMark (Feb 16, 2001)

*Another brilliant entry from the Clients from Hell website (thanks to kps)*



> *Me:* ”I will create a login box on your website. Once someone registers and logs in, the website will recognize who the user is and provide relevant content.”
> 
> *Client:* ”That sounds great. However, instead of a login box I’d like to use biometrics to identify the user.”
> 
> ...


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## winwintoo (Nov 9, 2004)

tilt said:


> I am quite positive that this is a recycled concept because I read this very email exchange (with the exception of now current references [which were current for the period I read them]) a few years ago.
> 
> I am amazed that I am the only person in the whole world who finds this not new! Am I the only person who has been "reading" the "internet" for more than four years?
> 
> Cheers





Sonal said:


> Nope. You aren't the only one who seems to remember this from somewhere.


Anyone who has ever held an IT job has stories like these. We all wish we had the courage in the moment to respond as this email exchange did.


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## bsenka (Jan 27, 2009)

This one is actually a good idea. People going to a hockey related site would like it.



> Client: “I would like to have our home page come up with some information in a hockey puck that flies around the screen. I’d like the user to have to chase the puck with a hockey stick for a cursor and whack it to let them in the site.”
> 
> Me: “I’m going to do everything in my power to talk you out of doing that.”


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## winwintoo (Nov 9, 2004)

This came in my email from a hobby email group:



> I hired someone last year to build a site for me. Finally . . . we are almost ther. He mentioned at our last meeting about sending me the bill so we can start with the service fees which I knew were coming. Imagine my horror and shock when I open up the email and saw that it was for $127.00! And that is for a year, minimum . . .
> 
> What do you pay? I don't need the exact price, but I am trying to negoiate to a better price. My business is teeney tiny. This is what I might gross in a year if I am lucky and I have mentioned this to him.
> 
> Feedback is welcomed.


Margaret


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## CubaMark (Feb 16, 2001)

*From the Sunday edition of Clients from Hell:*



> *The Forbidden Fruit*
> 
> *Client:* Hey, just one final question before I send the deposit. Do you use a PC or a MAC?
> 
> ...


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## mrjimmy (Nov 8, 2003)

^^^^^

I wonder if the client was a member of The Conservative Party of Canada.


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## Macfury (Feb 3, 2006)

mrjimmy said:


> ^^^^^
> 
> I wonder if the client was a member of The Conservative Party of Canada.


No, they changed some of the detail to protect the client, who is in fact a raviung environmentalist. The contractor told the client that he had no access to Bullfrog Power or a wind turbine to run his computer.


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## winwintoo (Nov 9, 2004)

This isn't a story about a design job, but it fits the theme and could be adapted for any situation.

My husband was a long haul trucker. 

Customer: how much to move this stuff from here to there

Husband: $3500

Customer: that's way out of line, I can get XXXXX to do it for about half that

Husband: well then that's who you should call

2 hours later

Customer: XXXXX can't move my load on time, so we decided to go with you

Husband: you know I got thinking about what you said and I about my price being out of line, so I did some calculations and you were right, it should be $3900


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## Macfury (Feb 3, 2006)

That reminds me of the old joke about the person who goes to the butcher and is offered ground beef for $1.99 a pound.

Customer: I can get it down the street for 89 cents a pound.
Butcher: Well then, go down the street and buy it for 89 cents a pound.
Customer: I can't. They're out of ground beef.
Butcher: Listen, when I'm out of ground beef I sell it for 59 cents a pound.


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## mrjimmy (Nov 8, 2003)

Macfury said:


> No, they changed some of the detail to protect the client, who is in fact a raviung environmentalist. The contractor told the client that he had no access to Bullfrog Power or a wind turbine to run his computer.


Still sounds more like Stockwell Day to me.


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## CubaMark (Feb 16, 2001)

Another great installment at Clients from Hell:



> *Viva La France!*
> 
> *Client:* “This looks good. I’d like for you to get together with the project manager (male) and the marketing director (female) for a little ménage à trois before the next phase of the project starts.”
> 
> ...


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## dona83 (Jun 26, 2005)

Somehow I imagined that conversation with the Client speaking in a German accent. Can't register a French accent for some reason!


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## Sonal (Oct 2, 2003)

Anyone else think that the Client's significant other fed him a line of BS about the real meaning of menage a trois?

("Honey, I'm having a menage a trois with a couple of co-workers tonight..... don't look so shocked, it means collaboration.... really, it does.... I thought everyone knew that....")


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## BigDL (Apr 16, 2003)

dona83 said:


> Somehow I imagined that conversation with the Client speaking in a German accent. Can't register a French accent for some reason!


Funny I hear the client with a Texas accent and with a he-he-he, and then "Brownie is doin' a heck of a job. he-he-he"


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## winwintoo (Nov 9, 2004)

Has anyone been able to find the "Clients From Hell" app? 

It seems to be in the iTunes store, but when I search the app store on my iPad it's not there. 

Wonder why?

Margaret


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## CubaMark (Feb 16, 2001)

Looks like only they iPod Touch / iPhone version is available (which will, of course, run fine on your iPad)

.


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## winwintoo (Nov 9, 2004)

CubaMark said:


> Looks like only they iPod Touch / iPhone version is available (which will, of course, run fine on your iPad)
> 
> .


Sure, but when you try to purchase it from the iPad, it's not there. It did download to iTunes on my computer, but syncing apps is a nightmare proposition so I prefer to buy right from the iPad and not go through that ordeal.

Oh well, maybe it's new and hasn't yet made it to the listing on the device.

Margaret


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## CubaMark (Feb 16, 2001)

*Another great one from Clients from Hell:*



> *Client*: ”The site looks terrible. The columns don’t line up, and the text is all over the place. I’m seriously concerned. We had an agreement and I will not pay your invoice until you resolve these issues. “
> 
> *Me*: ”The site looks fine to me in Chrome, IE, Firefox and Safari. Which browser are you using?”
> 
> ...


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## fjnmusic (Oct 29, 2006)

Speaking of pie charts, here's a fun one from Fortune Tech. I quote:

Everybody else is playing catch-up while trying to match Apple's manufacturing efficiency and cost structure. To hold on to market share they either have to sell at razor-thin margins or give their product away in two-for-one deals.

The proof: These two pie charts. One shows Apple's share of the worldwide cell phone market in terms of unit sales (4%). The other shows Apple's share of the profits (50%).


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## CubaMark (Feb 16, 2001)

*How many of you have heard this before?*



> *Client*: “I need a new website, the one I have is crap. I paid some cheap designer to do it for $200.”
> 
> *Me*: “Yeah, with cheaper designers you never know what you’ll get.”
> 
> ...


(ClientsFromHell.net)


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## CubaMark (Feb 16, 2001)

The January 2d, 2011 edition of Clients from Hell includes:



> *Client:* “I’m afraid I can’t afford the monthly figure at the moment.”
> 
> *ME:* “Oh no - that’s hourly.”
> 
> ...


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## CubaMark (Feb 16, 2001)

*The January 21st, 2011 edition of Clients from Hell:*



> A potential client e-mailed me some documents related to his project. I told him that I would not be able to take on his project at this time.
> 
> *Client:* “Then you need to e-mail me back the documents. They have trade secrets in them.”
> 
> ...


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## Optimize (May 7, 2005)

more fun from David here:

Working in the design industry is like being a dirty robot whore.


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## winwintoo (Nov 9, 2004)

Optimize said:


> more fun from David here:
> 
> Working in the design industry is like being a dirty robot whore.


Dang, every time I follow one of these links, I end up spending an hour there. 

Please keep posting them

Margaret


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## groovetube (Jan 2, 2003)

me too, thx. 

hilarious.


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## Guest (Feb 6, 2011)

Me three, just spent a half an hour there.


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## winwintoo (Nov 9, 2004)

Client: “It would be great to have some videos added to the site.”

Me: “You can actually do it yourself through the content management system that’s set up. You can login and add a link that is directly from YouTube to play your videos right on your site. It’ll take you just a few minutes to do. This way you won’t have to come to us and pay us for the work because I know you said you have a tight budget.”

Client: “You lost me at ‘actually.’ Nevermind.. “


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## CubaMark (Feb 16, 2001)

*Clients from Hell for March 5th:*



> _"I’m not able to open PDF files - I don’t use a Mac. Luckily, my assistant was able to open your PDF, print it, scan it and save it as a JPG. I have to say, the colors you’ve chosen are horrible. Everything looks muddy. But I do like how the whole picture is slanted; it looks totally MTV."_


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## CubaMark (Feb 16, 2001)

*Clients from Hell* _for April 26th:_



> *Me:* “How can I help you today, ma’am?”
> 
> *Client:* “Is e-mail internet”?
> 
> ...


_Sigh... this, or something very much like it, happens to me at least once a month..._


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## cap10subtext (Oct 13, 2005)

How a Web Design Goes Straight to Hell - The Oatmeal

Looooove the Oatmeal.


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## CubaMark (Feb 16, 2001)

*Clients from Hell* _for June 16th:_



> *CLIENT:* “So, for the logo, we’ll go with those colors we discussed over the phone last night.”
> 
> *ME:* “We never discussed colors.”
> 
> ...


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## DempsyMac (May 24, 2007)

I love this thread!

I just had a client ask to screen print there blue logo on a blue product, I was like um, blue on blue how are you going to see that?


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## CubaMark (Feb 16, 2001)

*The August 03, 2011 edition of Clients from Hell:*



> Following up an online posting for a job. The client offered $20 (I assumed an hour) to manage his tech support team. However…
> 
> *Client*: Okay, so that’s $400 per month and a bonus for performance.
> 
> ...


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## CubaMark (Feb 16, 2001)

The 22 September 2011 edition of Clients From Hell:



> *CLIENT: *_“I see our facebook and Twitter icons on the site are not yet live, why not?”_
> 
> *ME:*_ “Live? Oh, well you see, you actually need a facebook group or fan page and a Twitter account so we can link the icons to them. Remember I asked you to create those pages?”_
> 
> ...


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## CubaMark (Feb 16, 2001)

The 14 October 2011 edition of Clients From Hell:



> *CLIENT:* “I don’t want to download it. Just give it to me over the phone.”
> 
> *ME: *“It’s a computer program, I can’t give it to you over the phone. I can mail you a DVD, or I can tell you how to safely download it over the internet.”
> 
> ...


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## winwintoo (Nov 9, 2004)

Not exactly a client, but I end up solving computer problems for a lot of people.

Me: do you want to set up email for you today?

Evelyn: not today, I'm going out.

Cindy: is Margaret going to help you on your computer?

Evelyn: yes, she is going to get me gmail.

Cindy: I have gmail.

Rita: what's gmail?

Cindy: it's like email but it's better.

Evelyn: how is it better?

Cindy: it's newer so it's better. I never had email, but my son said gmail is better.

_I had to really bite my tongue so I wouldn't try to explain the error of their ways._


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## groovetube (Jan 2, 2003)

I forgot abou this thread. I'l add something that happened last week. This is actually almost the same thing that happened a number of years ago with another client.

client: There's this special effect that I was wondering if you can do

me: oh? what effect?

client: well, it's kinda like like this thing that pops up, when you need to see some more content, you use this to be able to see more of the website

me: (hmm) what sort of thing is it? Is it animated, a button or something? Can you show me a website that has this special effect?

client: no not really, it's not always there, it just appears when you need it

me: what does it look like, a button, does it say anything? and what content does it show you?

client: it's like a line or something, shows up when you need to see more of the website

me: (it... couldn't be... nawww...) a special effect, or, a scroll bar?

client: is that what it is? Can you do that?

me: (ould LOVE t charge for this special effect, but karma's a biotch...) if it's a scroll bar, then that's automatic, it just appears if there's too much content to view in your browser

client: oh. well alright then.
( it was actually a longer conversation if you can believe that.)

so much for another billable for a "special effect".


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## CubaMark (Feb 16, 2001)

The Friday, 9 December 2011 edition of "Clients from Hell"

_I had a project designing wedding invitations for a client and his very religious wife-to-be. They very clean cut - they explained there would be no alcohol at the wedding and hoped I could (subtly) include that information in the invitation. They explained it was for moral reasons and I didn’t inquire further. 

Later, I was at a bar when I saw my client.

Making out with a man.

I don’t think his fiancée knew._​


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## groovetube (Jan 2, 2003)

oh man. That'd be an awkward monday morning meeting.


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## tilt (Mar 3, 2005)

Clients From Hell is on my daily visit list; but for the last 4 or 5 days I have not been able to get on to that site. CM, how come you are able to get on? I even clicked your link instead of the one in my bookmarks, yet I have the same result.

Cheers


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## CubaMark (Feb 16, 2001)

good question, tilt! What's the error message you are receiving? Perhaps you should switch over to OpenDNS servers?


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## Joker Eh (Jan 22, 2008)

Here is a gem Please make the video between 60 seconds and 1...



> "Please make the video between 60 seconds and 1 minute."


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## tilt (Mar 3, 2005)

CubaMark said:


> good question, tilt! What's the error message you are receiving? Perhaps you should switch over to OpenDNS servers?


I get a Server not Responding message. Every other website works perfectly, just not this one.

I used to be on OpenDNS a long time ago, but found it quite slow for me, so switched back to Cogeco.

Cheers


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## CubaMark (Feb 16, 2001)

Tilt, you could try switching to OpenDNS just to check if it's an issue with Cogeco's DNS server, and/or switch to the Google DNS servers


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## CubaMark (Feb 16, 2001)

The Thursday, 26 January 2012 edition of Clients from Hell:



> "I’ve decided on the photos that I would like you to use on the website. They are attached to this email. Please send them back when you’re finished as they are my only copies. Thanks!"


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## tilt (Mar 3, 2005)

CubaMark said:


> Tilt, you could try switching to OpenDNS just to check if it's an issue with Cogeco's DNS server, and/or switch to the Google DNS servers


For some reason, it started to work again!!!!!! Weird!

Cheers


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## CubaMark (Feb 16, 2001)

_The Saturday, 25 February 2012 edition of Clients from Hell:_

*CLIENT*: Can you update my Adobe?

*ME*: Sure. Which program are you using?

*CLIENT*: You need to listen to me when I speak! ADOBE

*ME*: Yes, I got that part. Adobe is the publisher, they make quite a-

*CLIENT*: Adobe! I want my Adobe updated. I have no idea what you’re talk about…

*ME*: Adobe makes lots of programs. Like, you wouldn’t say, “I just updated my Microsoft - “

*CLIENT*: Microsoft isn’t working either. Find a solution for that while your at it.​
:lmao:


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## CubaMark (Feb 16, 2001)

_The March 1st, 2012 edition of _Clients from Hell:

*CLIENT:* I told you I had to have that sign up yesterday. What’s your excuse?

*ME:* We installed it yesterday morning. 

*CLIENT:* Don’t lie to me. I just looked on Google Maps and even if that stupid tree is in the way, I can clearly see that the sign hasn’t been changed.​

:yikes:


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## CubaMark (Feb 16, 2001)

*Real-Life Comic Strips for Designers*



(Many, may more at HongKiat)


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## CubaMark (Feb 16, 2001)

*Today's Clients from Hell entry:*


A woman had me use her photo as part of her new ad. She paid for some touch-ups with Photoshop, so I sent her the new picture.

*CLIENT: *I look great! Is there any way you can make my breasts a little larger though?

I thought it an odd request but proceeded anyway. However, she still wasn’t satisfied with the second, or even the third copy. However, once I sent the fourth, I got an angry email.

*CLIENT*: Why did you make my breasts so big?! I look like a bimbo!

I then showed her the numerous requests she sent me. I got another email shortly after.

*CLIENT*: Sorry for the confusion. The first draft is fine. My husband decided to answer my emails for me.


:clap:


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